How do I deal with the shame I feel when someone else does something well and I want to sabotage them?

The questioner, I believe the present is good. I am grateful to have met you.

After reviewing your statements, I can discern a certain confusion about your actions. I am interested in understanding your perspective better. Let's explore the reasons together.

Firstly, when you observe another individual performing a task effectively, you may experience a negative emotional response due to feelings of inadequacy or comparison. This can be caused by comparing yourself to others and feeling that you are less capable, or by the frustration of seeing others succeed while you feel you are unable to do the same. It is important to understand these underlying emotions and their impact on your behaviour. You also mentioned that your father displayed a tendency to boast about his achievements in front of you. This can be a significant trigger for individuals who have experienced similar behaviour from their parents during their upbringing. It is essential to identify whether your father treated you this way, whether he frequently discussed his accomplishments in your presence, or even used words to belittle you. Additionally, it is crucial to determine whether he often compared you to others and then made negative remarks about you.

If this is the case, it is not difficult to understand why you have exhibited aggressive behavior and have a tendency to scold people or sulk. Over time, you have been belittled by important others, who have consistently highlighted your shortcomings and deficiencies while rarely appreciating and recognizing your contributions. This has gradually eroded your self-esteem, leading to feelings of anger.

"Why are you saying that about me? I believe I have certain strengths that are not being acknowledged. When you were younger, you may have felt powerless against your parents, which may have led to the development of negative emotions and behaviors, such as anger and aggression, which were then suppressed.

Secondly, due to a lack of recognition and frequent belittling, there is a desire to destroy the object of comparison. This is driven by the need to eliminate the positive attributes of the object, thereby creating a level playing field. Over time, this can result in a tendency to feel envious when others succeed, as it highlights perceived shortcomings. The emotions associated with past experiences may resurface, leading to a rise in suppressed anger and a desire to retaliate.

These concepts have already been absorbed into your subconscious mind. When something similar triggers an emotion in you, you will automatically feel those emotions without understanding what is going on.

Third, after identifying the source of your sense of shame, it is now time to resolve how to reconcile with it. It is important to understand that shame is also a kind of emotion, and that emotions cannot be eliminated; they can only be reconciled.

It is important to recognize that a sense of shame is not inherently negative. It serves an important function in helping us identify our moral bottom line and protect us from breaking moral laws. However, in today's context, it is becoming a significant obstacle. To address this, it is essential to understand the underlying psychological needs that give rise to shame. These include the need to be seen, recognized, and appreciated. It is also important to recognize our own merits and deserve to have beautiful things. To address shame effectively, it is crucial to acknowledge its presence and work towards replacing it with a sense of self-worth and confidence. This can be achieved by writing down three or more positive attributes about oneself daily. By doing so, one can gradually fill their inner self with a sense of self-assurance and positivity.

You will no longer be affected because you can appreciate yourself. Regardless of circumstances, you are in control of your own destiny, recognize your own value, and can see your own potential.

There is no need to seek external validation or prove anything to others. As a human being, you are already beautiful and complete. A little mental nourishment will change your emotions and feelings.

I hope this information has been helpful, and I wish you the best.

I would like to take this opportunity to wish you a Happy New Year!

Hello! I know you're aware of the destructive thoughts and aggressive behavior that arise from your feelings of shame when you see someone else doing well or your father acting superior. I can see how this is disturbing for you.

From a psychological perspective, shame, anger, and guilt are all related emotions. Shame is the deepest of the three, and it can be really tough to accept and release.

Shame is often related to our sense of self-worth and self-esteem. It's totally normal to feel a little bit of shame sometimes. We all do! But when we feel inferior to others in interpersonal relationships, are belittled, or our expectations of respect are not met, and we are unable to be the ideal version of ourselves, it can really hurt our self-esteem.

In the most severe cases, it can even lead to a sense of self-worthlessness, which is really tough to deal with.

It's totally normal to lash out at others when we feel shame. It's like we externalize our harsh criticism onto others, or we get angry and attack them. It's easier to bear anger or guilt than pure shame, right?

You mentioned that you only experience these emotional feelings occasionally, which is great! It shows that your self-esteem and sense of worth are generally in a relatively balanced state. Shame is not the keynote of your self-worth, but rather a reaction that is triggered by external stressors on individual occasions.

Let's say, for instance, that you have high expectations of yourself and then you fail to achieve them and see someone else succeed. It's only natural that you might feel a bit down in the dumps, right? Or maybe your father belittled and rejected you when you were growing up. It's understandable that seeing him display superiority again might trigger a traumatic experience. You might feel the need to defend your self-esteem by lashing out in anger and aggression.

As we've already talked about, a certain degree of shame is something that almost everyone experiences. You don't have to be hard on yourself to get rid of it completely. Instead, try to understand yourself and accept that you're imperfect, and that life is full of uncertainties. We all have an ideal self inside, but you don't have to negate yourself because you haven't achieved perfection.

It can really help us to see ourselves from a developmental perspective and recognize our efforts and growth. This can help us to cope better with feelings of shame or other emotions.

I'm here for you, my friend! You can count on me on the Yi Xinli platform!

Hello!

Good for you for being aware and thinking about this!

I'd be happy to share and explore with you.

1. Understand your own sense of shame. Emotions are neither good nor bad.

The book "The Seven Emotions We Are Born With" says everyone has a sense of shame.

It serves a purpose, even though it makes us uncomfortable.

I also recommend this book.

Shame makes us behave appropriately.

If you feel ashamed of being aggressive, it will help you to behave more appropriately.

We also need to understand shame and not let it get out of control.

Some people control their emotions, while others are controlled by them.

A sense of shame can make us feel weak and helpless. It can also make us sad and depressed.

This is painful.

We don't have to demand that we behave well.

Everyone has a bad side.

The more we accept ourselves, the less shame we feel.

Emotions are with us all the time. We just need to understand them.

Don't fear or hate shame.

If we let go, we can reconcile with shame.

2. Emotions change each other.

Have you ever thought about why you feel ashamed?

Are you aggressive towards others?

Where does this aggression come from?

Do you envy others?

When someone else does well, you want to bring them down.

Do you want it too?

Then, express it!

If we say it, envy and jealousy will be less destructive.

Maybe we don't need to be aggressive.

Try to understand what anger or aggression is trying to tell you.

What are your unmet needs?

Is it the other person's fault?

How can you feel better without hurting anyone?

When we examine these, we may calm down.

3. Learn to live with your emotions.

Our emotions don't have to go away. We just need to understand and manage them.

We try to express our shame.

Talking about it helps, doesn't it?

You're not the only one who feels ashamed.

Once we say them out loud, our shame will no longer weigh on our minds.

You said, "I feel bad when my father acts like he's so great in front of me." Think about how you felt.

If we don't agree, we'll get angry and show it by cursing or sulking.

We can't do this with these emotions.

What can we do differently next time?

Try to understand why Dad did it.

Did he have a good side?

Have you ever praised your dad?

If we sort things out, we won't just have one emotion.

We feel and understand our emotions. This helps us understand ourselves better.

Let yourself feel bad, but don't let it control you.

Share these.

Best wishes!