How to cope with the psychological suffering and depression after my husband's infidelity and his false return?

Hello, June Lai Feng here.

From what you've told me, it's clear that your marriage is very complicated. You may feel very painful and helpless. When one spouse cheats, it's a huge blow to the other. Or maybe your husband came home after cheating, but he's still acting weird towards you. You may feel tortured and depressed inside.

It's totally normal to feel this way.

The inner torment and depression that may arise from the pseudo-return after the spouse's infidelity may come from a number of different reasons:

When a partner is unfaithful, it can destroy the trust that has been built up in the relationship. Even if it seems like things are back to normal, it can still be difficult to rebuild that trust.

The infidelity incident may cause deep emotional trauma, leading to complex emotional processes like denial, anger, sadness, acceptance, and forgiveness.

The infidelity incident can make people feel really insecure and worried about being betrayed again. This can lead to ongoing anxiety and fear.

People may start to question their attractiveness and value, and wonder if it's because they haven't done enough that their partner has cheated.

People in long-term relationships may have formed complex attachment patterns. Even when they've been betrayed, they may choose to stay in the relationship because they're afraid of being alone or are used to their partner's presence.

I get it. You're hurting and confused right now, but you want to rebuild your relationship.

First, face the facts. You have to accept that your husband has been unfaithful and that this is a betrayal.

Second, you can try to have open and honest communication with your husband to understand his thoughts and feelings. You can also use positive language to express your feelings and thoughts, while also respecting your husband's opinions and thoughts.

Once again, it's important to set clear boundaries. Let your husband know your bottom line and expectations. What measures will you take if he cheats again?

If you feel like you can't solve the problem, you can always consider getting a divorce. It's a tough decision, but sometimes it's the only way forward.

Next, focus on your own growth. It doesn't matter whether your husband returns or not: you should focus on your own growth and development, improve your abilities and qualities, cultivate your own interests and hobbies, and make your life more fulfilling and meaningful.

This can help relieve the internal torment and depression, improve your sense of self-worth, and make you more independent and confident.

Finally, don't push the other person to make a decision or change right away. Respect each other's feelings and decisions, and give each other time and space to think about and deal with the problem.

Instead of struggling in the quagmire of a threesome, why not make the most of this short life? Let go of the entanglements and pain, make choices that are only your own, and find your own happiness!

I just wanted to say that I love you all and I wish you happiness!

Dear questioner, I can feel your pain and confusion right now. The torment and depression you are experiencing internally in the face of your husband's infidelity and false return are normal reactions. Don't blame yourself for feeling this way.

You are not at fault, and you have every right to feel pain and confusion.

You are not alone. Many people have experienced such dilemmas and have eventually found a way out.

Your feelings and experiences are worthy of respect and understanding.

I understand you're probably filled with doubts and unease. Your husband has returned home after cheating, but his actions have left you confused and in pain.

His contradictory behavior—avoiding you when he sleeps but needing you when he is aroused—is a clear sign of his own internal turmoil. He is clearly trying to deal with his emotions, but not in the right way.

You need to have an in-depth and honest conversation with your husband. Tell him how you feel, what you want him to do to improve the relationship, and how you want him to change his behavior.

Communication is the key to solving problems. Open and respectful communication is the basis for effective communication.

Seeking professional marriage counseling or psychotherapy is also an option. A professional counselor can help you better understand each other's feelings and needs, provide specific advice and support, and help you find solutions to problems.

In addition, you should prioritize self-care. Set aside time every day to do the things you enjoy and take care of your physical and mental health.

You are an independent individual, and your value does not depend on the approval of others.

Finally, I want to be clear that marriage is a long journey, and there will be problems and challenges along the way. But if you are willing to work hard to maintain it, you will overcome these difficulties and find your own happiness.

You have the courage and wisdom to face this problem and will ultimately find your own solution.

Be patient and confident. Don't rush things. Don't expect instant results.

You will find your own way to happiness. It will take time and effort, but if you are willing to work for it, you will succeed.

You will get out of this situation and find peace and happiness. Go for it!

I can see that the questioner is constantly asking for help, and each time they ask, "What should I do?" I believe that many teachers have already given corresponding ideas and responses to previous questions, but I feel that what the questioner wants is not "ideas," but specific "operating procedures." For the questioner, they may feel that what they want is very simple, and they just need to tell themselves what to do. This is great because it means that they are ready to take action!

This is the problem. Even if the teachers tell you how to do it, it may not necessarily work. It's not that the teachers' way of thinking is not working, but their way of thinking is fixed. People's psychological state, emotions, and living environment are constantly changing, unstable, and unpredictable. Therefore, the same way of thinking will sometimes work, and sometimes it will backfire. This is the reason why many friends find that after listening to the so-called "expert lectures," they can't use what they learned—and that's okay!

The questioner has put herself in a contradictory position of being "lowly and inferior" but also "strong and superior" in the intimate relationship. Some people may say, "Isn't this contradictory?" And they're right!

The conflict lies in the fact that the questioner is taking the initiative to get close to her husband while at the same time expressing her emotions and thoughts in an extremely humble way to "control" him. This approach leads the questioner to feel that "I'm already so humble, what more do you want from me?" while her husband feels even more depressed and suppressed. The relationship between the two becomes even more misaligned and the psychological distance even wider. But there's an opportunity here!

The good news is that there is a way to repair the relationship! It will take some new thinking and self-expression, but it will be worth it. The questioner just needs to get out of the current cognitive thinking and self-expression misunderstanding and use a new cognitive thinking and expression method to get along with her husband.

If they continue to get along like this, it is believed that the end of the relationship is only a matter of time. But there is still time to turn it around!

Dear questioner, I can imagine that anyone who encounters this situation might feel a certain degree of distress. Perhaps it would be helpful to give yourself a hug and tell yourself that you have done a great job.

I believe there may be an underlying issue with your husband that you mentioned. I noticed a very important sentence: "He accepts my good deeds with a clear conscience, but doesn't show any gratitude."

I'm curious to know what you would like your spouse to do to express their remorse. Would you prefer a more traditional approach, such as kneeling and begging for forgiveness, or would you like them to take proactive steps to make amends for their actions?

In that case, perhaps you will feel a little more balanced.

However, it seems that the husband has not yet expressed his feelings on the matter. It's possible that he has a different opinion about who is at fault, which may be hidden under the act of pleasing. Perhaps he will not admit his fault; perhaps he feels that both parties are responsible...

The above two situations are just for reference. It would be best to judge the specific situation based on your own understanding of him.

It is important to note that infidelity can be an external manifestation of underlying marital issues. If you desire a truly happy marriage, it is essential to pay attention to the dynamics of your relationship, identify any changes, and consider what may have led to the involvement of a third party. Understanding these factors can help you navigate your marriage in a positive and constructive manner.

If you are able to maintain your commitment to your family and avoid divorce, it demonstrates your deep concern for your loved ones and your ability to consider the broader implications of your actions. I am confident that you possess the resilience and fortitude to navigate the challenges that arise in a healthy marriage. Wishing you the best.

Hello, questioner! I am Jia Ao, the Heart Exploration coach. I'm not looking for anything, but I'm happy to answer any questions you may have.

I have taken the time to carefully read through the issues and confusion you have outlined on the platform. Have you encountered any difficulties in your marriage? It seems that you are determined to maintain your marriage and avoid divorce. However, your husband has returned home after an infidelity incident, yet you have noticed that he is reluctant to share a bed or physical contact with you, yet is comfortable when he has desires. He accepts your gifts and your goodwill without reservation, yet does not reciprocate your affection. He has also blocked you on WeChat and Alipay and is reluctant to give you access to the dormitory. It seems that your marriage has become somewhat complicated, and you are experiencing significant distress. It is understandable that you are unsure of how to proceed.

It seems that your husband's infidelity has become a fact. Despite your persistence and entreaties, he has not yet returned home. It may be that he is enjoying your kindness, but he is not yet ready to face the situation. You are in pain, but you still have some attachment to him. It would be helpful for you both to communicate well with each other to know what to do next.

May I suggest that we help you analyze and sort things out?

1. It might be helpful to consider ways of fostering a sense of family responsibility.

It's important to recognize that one of the reasons men may be tempted to cheat is a lack of family responsibility. Every marriage problem has a root cause. It's likely that there are some unresolved issues between you that could benefit from attention. After you return, you might consider letting him take on some household chores, spending more time with the children, and getting him more involved in family activities. This could help him feel a greater sense of family responsibility and contribute to his happiness and fulfillment as a member of the family. This approach might be a good way to start addressing the problem.

2. It would be beneficial to continue providing emotional value.

If you want to solve the immediate problem, you might want to consider being more proactive and continuing to provide emotional value for each other. You could try praising him more often, showing him respect and understanding, and helping him develop a spiritual dependence on you. This could help him to feel less need to seek consolation outside the relationship. "Threesomes" might sound a little extreme, but they can sometimes reveal underlying issues in a relationship.

3. Consider gradually building attraction.

It seems that you still value this marriage, despite your current concerns. Over time, a marriage that is not managed well can become less exciting. If you want to try to retain him, you could consider trying something new together to bring fresh energy into the marriage. During this process, you can also work on enhancing your attractiveness to him and finding solutions to problems together. You could try participating in new activities together, such as traveling and sports, to gradually improve the family atmosphere.

4. It would be beneficial to remain calm and rational.

It seems that he has indeed returned to the family, but your relationship may be becoming somewhat mundane, and he also seems to show little concern for you. However, when dealing with family problems, I would still suggest that you avoid violent arguments, try to remain calm and rational, get along with each other in a peaceful mood, respect each other's views, communicate more, care more, understand more, enhance each other's feelings, don't force yourself to forgive immediately, and don't force him to return to the past immediately. Accept your emotions, don't blame yourself or fall into pain.

I hope my answer is helpful to you. If you would like to communicate further, you are welcome to follow me (click on my personal homepage), choose the Heart Exploration service, and communicate with me one-on-one. I send you and the world my love and best wishes.

Hello! I'm thrilled to answer your question. I hope my suggestions will be helpful to you!

First of all, I want to say that I strongly condemn the act of infidelity within marriage. Secondly, I also strongly disapprove of your husband's actions. Not only has he failed to fulfill his responsibilities as a husband, hurting his wife and another person, but he has also failed to fulfill the responsibilities expected of a man, putting her in an unreasonable position and subjecting her to a great deal of moral condemnation. Finally, whether from a legal or moral perspective, infidelity within marriage is not to be encouraged, let alone bigamy.

For our current situation, what we really need is to sort ourselves out! As the saying goes, "A forced melon is not sweet."

Based on this foundation, we then consider and reflect on this marriage.

Now, let's dive deep and explore our understanding and acceptance of loyalty.

There are two fantastic possibilities!

If, after trying, you find that you cannot accept such a marriage—that is, a marriage of three people—then you just need to be firm within yourself and be willing to let go of things.

Second, when we find, after trying, that we cannot live without our partner and that we even value this bond above a marriage of three people, then at this time we can only accept the status quo! After all, the result of not divorcing is a choice we have made ourselves, and then we get to adjust to this result.

In this respect, we have indeed largely failed to conform to positive values. But we can do better! We seem to have accepted infidelity within marriage, but we can change that.

Then we get to make some exciting adjustments in two different directions!

You have the power to accept yourself, choose your own path, and walk it on your own! Since you have made the choice to stay in your marriage and not divorce, you get to experience the incredible consequence of being in control of your destiny.

The second is to actively show your husband the incredible importance of loyalty in a marriage. Help him to understand that he should never behave in this way and that he needs to deal with this relationship outside the marriage and truly return to the family.

This part is going to help you solve so many problems! You'll get rid of that affair, work through your emotional issues, and learn how to get along with your spouse better, including improving communication between you and your husband.

If you can, I highly recommend seeking help from a marriage and family counselor. This is an amazing opportunity for you and your husband to work together to make positive changes in your marriage.

But if this goal is only something we want, and in fact, our husband wants a divorce very badly and wants to be with that person outside, then we may have to rely more on self-adjustment.

In terms of moral condemnation, we can certainly blame the husband for his unfaithful behavior, which is not only improper but also a violation of the marriage law. But in reality, we must focus on the inner self as the starting point to solve problems.

Ready to make your married life, or your life in general, more comfortable, smoother, and better? Let's do this!

I really hope that through self-reflection, you can figure out the best way forward for you. Whether that's to maintain your marriage or end it, I really hope you can find a way of life that will make you happy!

The world and I love you!

Dear questioner, I can see you're in pain. Your husband has returned, but he doesn't give you the security you need.

I'm sorry to see you trying so hard to save your marriage. Let's find a way out of this.

1. Problem analysis

1. Your husband cheated on you, but you convinced him not to get divorced and to come back.

2. After returning, your husband won't let you get close at night. He'll cooperate in sex if you take the initiative. He'll accept gifts but not emotional feedback. He blocked your dormitory key online.

3. Your husband's behavior since he returned has made you feel uneasy. You feel he wants a threesome. You are depressed and don't know what to do.

2. How to adjust

1. Ask yourself what you need in this marriage.

We stay in relationships because they meet certain needs. What are your needs in this marriage? We know you tried to save your marriage. There's still something you can't let go of.

You should also think about the situation. Your partner can't meet your needs.

2. Review

Review your marriage together with your husband. Talk about your feelings and listen to each other. Infidelity is only one reason.

Knowing why helps you avoid repeating mistakes.

3. Love yourself.

Your husband will accept your gifts but not show you affection. Speak up if you're uncomfortable. Tell him what you want.

The other person can't always meet your needs, but you can tell them how you feel. You can also talk to your husband about things like being blocked on WeChat and Alipay and not being given the keys to the dormitory.

Love yourself so you have more energy to love others.

4. Be open-minded.

If you feel depressed, talk to friends or family, or go for a walk. If your partner cheats, it can be hard to trust again. It's normal to feel confused. Don't be embarrassed. Get help if you need it.

Marriage is only part of life. If you work hard, you won't have any regrets. Be kind to yourself.

Hope this helps. Best regards.

Hello, question asker!

From your description, I can sense your inner confusion and pain, as well as a sense of being at a loss. At the same time, you have a very good sense of awareness, and you are brave enough to face this uncomfortable feeling. This is a great start!

If you said that you insisted on not divorcing your husband when he was cheating on you and you made the first move, but he was lukewarm towards you, that's great!

You feel very uncomfortable, is that right?

After reading your description, I feel so sorry for you. Perhaps you don't want a divorce or you like your husband more, so you don't choose to divorce. When you don't choose to divorce, you are suffering a lot inside. On the one hand, you are uncomfortable with your husband's infidelity. On the other hand,

Your husband's attitude towards you is also making you feel very concerned.

I would love to ask you to be more aware of this, and I would also love to ask you: What are the emotions or reasons behind your decision not to divorce?

Is this the kind of married life you want? Let's find out together!

First, I would ask you to respect your feelings, ask yourself what your emotions are telling you, adjust yourself, try to let go, and see what a difference it makes!

First, I ask you to respect your own feelings, to ask yourself more about the needs behind your emotions, to adjust yourself, to try to let go and see what the difference is, and what kind of feelings you will have!

And then, get ready to fall in love with yourself!

I know you are feeling very bad right now, but I want you to know that you can learn to love yourself! Once you learn to love yourself, you'll have the ability to love and be loved. You'll also be able to find out what kind of married life you really want. And you'll have the strength to be happy! So first, adjust yourself. You can also adjust yourself by learning about psychology, by seeking help from a professional counselor, by reading psychology books, by going on a trip, or by practicing self-hypnosis.

Once you've built up your strength and made the necessary adjustments, you'll be ready to live a great life with anyone!

Hello, You're going through a lot.

Your husband has cheated on you. You feel pain. You need to understand your behavior to get out of your current pain.

Your husband cheated, and you chose to make amends and please him.

You've been hurt, but you're humble to please the other person.

Your choice has not brought you respect or happiness. The reasons may be:

1. You depend on your husband. In a long-term marriage, you may depend on him for things like money and emotional support.

If your husband cheats, you may feel lost and insecure. You may try to win him back and please him to keep the marriage stable and safe.

2. You may have a problem with self-worth. You may think your husband is part of your self-worth. When your husband cheats, you feel bad about yourself. So you try to make yourself feel better by trying to win him back and please him.

You may need to prove your value by staying married.

3. You don't know how to handle your emotions. When your husband cheats, you may not think clearly.

In this situation, you may take some irrational actions, such as making amends, in the hope of rebuilding your marriage. Faced with the emotional impact, you are unable to process these emotions. Especially when you feel that your marriage is in crisis, you are afraid of being abandoned, so you choose to make amends and please your spouse.

Talk to a counselor. I'm Zhang Xianli. I love you.

Hello, I'm Qu Huidong, a psychological counselor who can help you understand your emotions better.

The original poster has been betrayed in her marriage but has chosen to forgive and reconcile. Her husband, who has returned, does not seem to appreciate this.

You've forgiven him for his infidelity, but how do you get over the pain in your heart? It's more like resignation and compromise than forgiveness.

Are you hoping that by forgiving him, you can give him a chance to turn over a new leaf? You hope that he will start behaving himself and correct his mistakes. But from what I can see, he has just weathered a crisis and he understands your bottom line.

You're hoping he'll come back to the family, improve the relationship, and continue living a happy life together. But it seems like he doesn't care about your needs. Plus, your high-handed attitude and continued giving have put you in a moral high ground, which will also make him feel even more wretched and embarrassed, and is not conducive to the deep repair of the relationship.

As I'm writing this, I really feel for you, but I think you must also have your own reasons. Whatever happens, though, you mustn't forget that you're an independent person. Look after yourself and work on your personal growth and development so that you have the power and ability to make choices.

This crisis in your marriage isn't something that can be resolved by forgiveness and reconciliation. It's also an opportunity for both parties to re-evaluate themselves and understand each other. It's probably a good idea to seek couples counseling, where you can listen to each other's true thoughts and achieve true forgiveness with the help of a counselor.

If he's not interested in counseling, don't miss the chance to reconnect with yourself. Counseling can help you feel secure and trust your relationship again, and focus on yourself. Don't depend on another person for your happiness forever. You'll start to see your life in a new light.

Wishing you the best!

Good day,

You have forgiven your husband for cheating on you. However, you are still concerned that he may not have fully changed and you feel somewhat insecure.

From your description, it seems that your husband's return may not be solely due to repentance and a desire to reconcile. It's possible that your decision to remain married and your insistence on that choice may also have played a role.

If the man shows remorse, it might be an appropriate time to consider making some demands, such as giving the woman a greater share of the property and paying attention to boundaries in the future. However, it seems that you have not made any demands, but are begging him to come back.

This may be giving him a bit of a free hand. It seems that he is still blacklisting contact and not giving you the dorm key.

From what you have told me, it seems that you still have some suspicions about him, for instance, in not giving you the key to the dormitory.

It's also possible that your suspicions may be reflected in his behavior, for example in the way he speaks or answers the phone. This could also put pressure on your husband.

If you truly wish to forgive, it is important to rebuild trust. This will require the joint efforts of both parties. You can demonstrate goodwill and express your trust, but your husband must also respond.

Perhaps what you mean by "no cuddling and no touching when you sleep" is that he is still processing some unresolved issues.

Given that you took the initiative, it is possible that he may also wish to demonstrate his willingness to cooperate with you by taking steps to return to the family.

I believe this is an improvement over not responding at all. However, it seems that only when he takes the initiative is he truly able to overcome the obstacles that stand in the way.

It is important to remember that rebuilding trust is a process that requires the involvement of both parties. It is also essential to recognize that seeking love is a personal journey, and it is not something that can be achieved without a genuine sense of self-worth and the willingness to love others.

I know it can be tough, but I'm here to support you. You've got this!