How to get out of the current situation and state after having a baby and living with in-laws?

Hello, I'm Liang Ning, Xinqing's assistant.

You are depressed every day because you live with your in-laws after having a child. This has worsened recently because of the pandemic and working from home.

This situation has affected your relationship with your husband. You don't know how to handle these emotions.

First, understand why you feel depressed. You haven't explained the reason.

After having a baby, the mother has to take care of the baby all the time, which prevents her from sleeping well. She also worries about the baby, so many new mothers will experience depression.

You are also taking care of the children with your in-laws, who have different ideas about childcare. This can cause conflicts and lead to depression.

Second, your relationship with your husband. He probably hasn't noticed any changes, and I'm not sure how much you communicate.

The relationship was good before, but now it's mostly about the child. You feel like an outsider with your parents and your husband talking to his parents too much. This can lead to a cold relationship and distance.

Finally, how to deal with it: 1. Adjust for the cause of the depression.

② Talk to your husband. Tell him what's going on, what you're thinking, and how you feel.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with emotions.

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, Coach Mo Xiaofan. Living with your in-laws can indeed lead to a lot of problems. The questioner can try the following approaches to avoid them:

If your finances permit, you should consider living separately.

The author's parents-in-law had good intentions in wanting to move in with them after the birth of their baby. However, they are not used to this way of life. The author has also hired a nanny, which shows that their financial situation is not too bad.

The questioner should communicate with her husband and let him see the true thoughts of his in-laws. Many in-laws don't want to live with their children; they only choose to do so to relieve the pressure on their children.

The two families are not far apart, so the child can stay with the in-laws during the day and be picked up in the evening. It's a bit of a journey, but it's worth it to avoid hidden conflicts.

2. Learn to vent reasonably and communicate.

Husbands must be able to sense their negative emotions in time. They should find some time to talk to their wives, express their concerns to them, and listen to their thoughts.

During the epidemic, you will undoubtedly encounter some challenging situations, even if you don't have in-laws. It's crucial to put yourself in their shoes. After all, the in-laws haven't done anything excessive, and they also want to help reduce the pressure on their children. Therefore, it's vital that everyone understands each other.

You should be able to move freely within the community during the epidemic. Go out for a walk with your husband in the evening to relax and vent your inner dissatisfaction.

The reason it's so hard to bear is that the questioner has been misunderstood recently, which has led to feelings of depression. It's crucial to learn to express yourself, communicate in a timely manner, and address problems head-on.

Hello, I'm a heart exploration coach. Let go? As a daughter-in-law, I totally get where you're coming from.

It's totally normal to feel like a guest in your in-laws' home. It's just not as cozy as your own!

It's totally normal to feel this way. Even if your in-laws are really lovely, you'll always have a soft spot for your own parents. And it's not easy to be completely free and do whatever you want, is it?

Why is there such a contrast? Let's take a look together, shall we?

Marriage is a beautiful thing, but it's also a big responsibility. It's not just about two people anymore. It's about two families coming together.

It's totally normal to feel a bit oppressed and uncomfortable at times. You might even find yourself wondering whether you consider yourself part of this family.

We all hope that the other person will treat us in a certain way, but the first step is to learn to treat others in that way ourselves.

When you marry each other, the parents of the two families also become in-laws and are connected.

It's so important for you both to embrace your new family roles. When we hold on to resentment and can't fully integrate, it can naturally lead to feelings of nervousness and a sense of being out of balance.

You said it so well: suppressed.

2. It's so important to communicate effectively with your family and directly express your feelings and needs.

It's totally normal to feel a bit uncomfortable when you have more contact with your in-laws after having a child. It's something you can't really put your finger on, but it's there.

Have you had a chance to share your true feelings with your partner? Have you listened to his views and feelings?

He'll be spending his whole life with you, so it's really important to make sure you're on the same page. Both sets of parents, including the child, are just passengers on your journey through life, and they'll all get off the bus along the way.

Your partner is also the person who can best meet your needs: security, understanding, and acceptance.

I really think you should read the book "If Only I Knew Before Marriage." It's a great way to learn more about marriage and see more possibilities in many things.

If you let down your guard and truly open yourself up, you'll start to feel differently. This tension and depression often come from self-protection mechanisms, so it's important to be kind to yourself.

Also, don't worry! This is only temporary. As your little one grows up, they'll be sleeping in their own beds and rooms. Every situation has its pros and cons. Just weigh up the pros and cons and make the best choice for you.

I really hope this helps you out!

Hello, my dear friend! I'll give you a warm hug from afar first.

I really hope that my sharing can give you some support and help.

From what you've told me, it seems like you haven't had any major disagreements with your in-laws. But you do seem to have this strange feeling of unease and discomfort inside. It's like you're having these emotional experiences that you're not really sure where they're coming from. You think it might have something to do with your in-laws, but they're not really at the top of your priority list. So, you're releasing your dislike and dissatisfaction with them to relieve these feelings of restlessness and unease, which feels safer for you.

I'd love to know your thoughts on this!

It's also important to remember that any uncomfortable feelings you have are often hidden behind unmet expectations and needs. So, when you feel depressed or irritated when you see your in-laws, try to stay with that feeling. You can experience and feel your emotions better by taking deep breaths and exploring the needs hidden behind the emotions. For example, you might want to be understood, valued, cared about, supported, and considerate. This part of the needs is more what you desire to get from your husband. When your husband fails to perceive and respond appropriately in time, you unintentionally project your grievances and anger onto your in-laws. What do you think?

So, try to explore the hidden needs behind your emotional feelings through uncomfortable emotional feelings, and then try to respond to yourself through your own efforts first. For example, take a rest when you are tired, and do some exercises that are good for physical and mental relaxation when you are stressed, such as listening to music, chatting with your best friend, reading, watching your favorite TV dramas, movies, taking a hot bath... At the same time, try to bravely tell your husband your inner needs sincerely, and express how you will feel and experience if he is willing to respond to your needs.

Your husband and children are the people you love most, and they are also the people your in-laws love most. And you and your in-laws and children are also the people your husband loves most, right? Since you love your husband and children, you should also try to accept your in-laws, because your attitude towards your in-laws is something your husband can definitely feel. If this state of affairs continues without timely and effective communication, it will indeed affect your marital relationship.

So, be brave and tell your husband how you feel. Let him know what you need from him. Then, together, you can explore ways to better accept and care for yourself, and improve your ability to manage your marriage. You can better perceive and understand your emotions by keeping an emotional diary.

Hi, I'm Lily, the little listener at the Q&A Center. The world and I love you!

Hello, I'm Lily. First of all, I want to give you a hug and let you know that everyone here is here to help you.

First of all, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a centuries-old problem. It's normal to feel overwhelmed at first. Many people, including me, have also struggled to cope.

Based on what you said, I'd like to offer a few tips based on my own experience.

You mentioned that working from home is very frustrating. Once this pandemic is over, you can go back to work and spend less time with your in-laws. I bet your current frustration will naturally pass.

You said that going to your parents' house can help you feel better, but you miss your child too much. In fact, you've already found a way to feel better, so you can go to your parents' house when you really need to relieve your pent-up emotions. Or, can you take your child to your parents' house to stay for a while?

You and your husband used to have a good relationship, which is great. The reconciliation of relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law often depends on the wise husband.

I think you should communicate more with your husband. When you do, focus on the facts and your needs. You might find it helpful to read "Nonviolent Communication." You can also express your emotions honestly to your husband. Keeping them inside can cause depression.

You can also talk to your parents and friends if you need to.

I actually think the best way for a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to get along is to eat together but not live together. Think about whether there's a way to make this happen. Or you can try to find ways to reduce the time you spend together.

There are always more ways than there are difficulties. Stay strong. I'm sure things will get better and better.