How to handle the situation where my friend has passed the civil servant exam and I haven't, and I don't want my friend to be better off than me?

Hello, questioner! I'm Wang Enhoo, your friendly neighborhood psychological counselor.

Let's talk about your topic!

1. "My friend got promoted, but I didn't." The two major opportunities for growth in life: others have it, I don't; I have it, but others have it better than me.

Human nature is fascinating! It dictates that if we don't get what we want, we will naturally feel lost and suffer. The first manifestation of narcissism is: "I am good, I am right."

On the exam, our damaged narcissism: she is good, I am not.

2. "I don't want friends to do better than me." This is the second manifestation of narcissism, which is: "I'm better than you."

It's evident that, based on the results of the college entrance exam and postgraduate entrance exam, our narcissism has room to grow!

3 "What to do." We have a sense of guilt and remorse, which indicates that our attack on a friend after our damaged narcissism is a conflict.

On the one hand, we feel that her achievements belittle us and we curse ourselves. But on the other hand, we feel that our thoughts are too dirty. So, we need to balance and reconcile these conflicting emotions!

A: It's totally normal to have this thought, "I didn't get in." You can think whatever you want, as long as you don't do anything wrong. There's a dark side to human nature, and it's okay to embrace it!

And remember, don't act on it and cause harm to others!

B. How can I satisfy my narcissism? Look at your strengths or improve your ability in a certain area to increase your self-esteem and form a positive self-evaluation.

When we think, "I am good and I am also very capable," we will naturally accept the "good" in others—and it's a wonderful feeling!

Good evening, I hug you.

Everyone is jealous because they feel inferior.

In the book "Inferiority and Transcendence" by Adler, we are all born inferior. Our whole life is about becoming better.

To resist our innate inferiority, we can either try to become better or try to become worse.

People like us often compare themselves to others. This can make us feel superior or inferior. It's normal to feel this way. But it's not easy to turn feelings of inferiority into a desire to improve.

How do we overcome this?

First, accept your feelings.

It's normal to feel inferior or jealous. We live among people, and there are conflicts and comparisons. If you can remain indifferent, you're enlightened. We're ordinary people, and it's normal to have emotions.

Just accept it and don't worry about being unkind.

Second, set a goal, start moving, and compete with yourself.

We often compare ourselves to others.

Why not compare yourself to someone fatter or with a bigger tumor? That's not it.

You can never stop comparing yourself to others.

Compare yourself to yourself over time to see your own growth.

Everyone is different. Horizontal comparisons don't matter.

Set a goal and work towards it.

Finally, work with others.

Adler believes that a person's significance is reflected in their interactions and cooperation with others. If you cut yourself off from others, your significance is zero. You must cooperate with others.

For us, our partners make us jealous. For you, your friends can help you grow.

If you feel embarrassed, you can act like you're happy and wish things were different. You might notice a change without realizing it.

I wish you could do better.

I'm a counselor who is often depressed and sometimes positive. Love,

Hello, I read your description and I don't think the other person will pass the entrance exam. It's your own jealousy speaking. We all feel jealousy. It's the pain caused by someone being better than you in a certain way, and then complaining about yourself. Why do we tend to compare more easily with people close to us? It's because strangers often just meet by chance and are just acquaintances, most of whom are not related to us at all. Even if there is jealousy, it will be quickly dispelled. However, this is not the case with people close to us. Spending time together every day changes the reference points for self-comparison, and it is easy for the self to fluctuate, resulting in jealousy. When we notice our bad mood, we will easily attack the people close to us, and the relationship will be affected. However, we must know that this kind of psychology has both advantages and disadvantages. It is also very powerful to make good use of it.

Here's some advice:

First, adjust your mindset and stop comparing yourself to others. The best way to stay motivated is to compare yourself to your own progress, not to others.

If we're better today than we were yesterday, and tomorrow we'll be even better than today, we'll feel happy because we're constantly moving towards self-realization.

② Make your life and work more fulfilling. People who have big dreams, love life, and are dedicated to learning don't have time to be jealous of others. The purpose of our lives isn't to keep up with others or even to surpass them. It's simply to constantly surpass ourselves and overcome ourselves, and finally achieve our ideals and goals.

③Take a step back, turn jealousy into motivation, and turn a sense of comparison into a fighting spirit that inspires you. When you notice the strengths of others, it's good to look at your own strengths. If we don't have the strengths of others, we can turn their strengths into our motivation and go for it.

④ Overcome jealousy and broaden your mind. There will always be people who are better at what they do than you, and there will always be people who are stronger than you. This is just how things are.

To overcome jealousy, you have to get rid of distracting thoughts, be open-minded, enhance your own value, and improve yourself. The great poet Victor Hugo said, "The world's broadest is the sea, broader than the sea is the sky, and broader than the sky is the mind."

"

fifth, learn to recognize the excellence of others and inspire yourself. Learn to recognize the excellence of others and let go of jealousy and comparisons. We're all human, and it may not be easy to do this. We can tell ourselves that hard work must pay off. For example, when you're resting, the other person may still be studying. There may be differences in environment, test papers, and difficulty, and these are all factors that influence the outcome.

We can ask each other about our different learning methods, learn from each other, and motivate ourselves to do the same. Believing in ourselves and giving ourselves positive mental suggestions is also a good idea.

I hope this helps the person who asked the question. I hope they find what they're looking for soon. ?

Dear Questioner,

Hello. From your description, I can discern that you are experiencing distress and internal conflict. On the one hand, you are saddened by not being admitted to the establishment, and on the other hand, you are envious of your friend's admission. However, you also feel guilty due to your envy of your friend.

Firstly, it is important to note that this mentality is prevalent in the general population, though many are reluctant to admit it. It is essential to confront this mentality directly, while avoiding becoming overly fixated on negative emotions such as jealousy. Instead, it is vital to develop the ability to recognize and appreciate the excellence of others. Prolonged engagement with feelings of jealousy can have a detrimental impact on mental and emotional well-being. In the long run, it can lead to a loss of confidence and the development of negative attitudes.

Ultimately, this will also result in a loss of social capital. Forming relationships is about personal growth and expanding one's horizons, not just about comparing and envying. This is fundamentally a matter of mindset, and only a positive mindset can lead to a more fulfilling life.

Secondly, I hope you can address your shortcomings head-on. Given that you have the option to take the exam and are driven to succeed, it is evident that you are someone who strives for excellence.

However, success requires more than just a simple action. To achieve success, you must give your all, without fear. If you fail, learn from your mistakes and seize the moment and the future. Regardless of your future endeavors, believe in your abilities and maintain confidence and determination.

Ultimately, I hope you can devote more attention to your own development and avoid excessive comparisons with others. Rather than focusing on the achievements of others, it is more beneficial to direct your energy towards self-improvement. When you have truly become proficient in your field, you will not be concerned about the successes of others. Instead, you will be able to appreciate the strengths of others more.

Do not fret over how to improve, do not be envious of others' achievements, and perform your duties to the best of your abilities. With these three simple steps, you will undoubtedly succeed.

I extend my best wishes to the original poster for a speedy arrival on shore and the fulfillment of all his wishes.

Hello, my name is Si Jin Ya, and I just wanted to say hello!

I totally get it. I've had similar worries to the poster when I see friends doing better and better while I'm stuck in the same place.

If you don't get into the school you wanted to, but see others get in, it can be really tough. You might feel a bit lost and think that you should have succeeded instead. It's totally normal to feel like you've been treated unfairly.

I know it can be tough when we're disappointed, and it can make it harder to feel happy for our friends.

I've been there, too! After I failed the exam and felt like my future was bleak, I stopped reaching out to people and couldn't bring myself to wish others success. It felt like I was living a solitary life.

When I found a new job and started over, I felt I could accept it, so I asked my classmates who had been successful at the time.

I said, "If you were friends with me, I'm sure you'd be successful in your career. I'm sorry to say that I don't think I'll be as successful, but I wish you all the best."

My friend said something really wise: "You are you, I am me, how you are will not affect me."

Oh yes, there was a time when the host and I really cared, but it was just our own thoughts. We felt like we had to be as good as others to truly wish them well.

But here's the thing: when we change our mindset, we realize that how other people are has nothing to do with us.

My friend got the job, but I didn't.

I didn't get the job, and neither did my friends.

In fact, the only thing that can really touch us is ourselves. So, if we lose out on this ending, there's no need to dwell on what happens to other people.

And who knows, if I take the civil service exam, I might pass next year or I might even find a job I love even more!

Don't be too hard on yourself! Work hard, try more, and don't limit yourself too easily.

If he is strong, let him be strong, and just be our wonderful selves!

Greetings.

A careful reading of the description of the questioner's problem reveals a complex and conflicting emotional state. On the one hand, the questioner is disappointed that he did not secure a government position. On the other hand, he experiences a degree of envy towards his best friend, who has obtained such a role. He is reluctant to extend positive sentiments towards his friend and simultaneously feels a sense of culpability regarding his own attitude.

First and foremost, it is imperative to accept oneself. This is a challenge that many of us face on a regular basis, particularly given that we are all ordinary individuals and it is often difficult to force a smile when we are feeling down.

It is evident that this mentality is not conducive to personal growth and development. Unlike individuals who are unable to recognize their shortcomings, we may even engage in behaviors that are detrimental to our relationships with others.

It is evident that the questioner possesses a high degree of self-awareness. By gaining a deeper understanding of oneself, one can embark on a journey of personal growth and development.

In his book, Change Starts from the Heart, Roy Martina posits that only through introspection can one gain clarity of vision. He asserts that those who focus on external pursuits are merely fantasizing, whereas those who engage in introspection will ultimately attain enlightenment.

The book makes mention of three distinct realms of happiness.

The concept of competitive happiness can be defined as a state of emotional well-being that is contingent upon the outcome of a competition with another individual.

Some individuals derive happiness from engaging in competitive activities with others.

For example, some individuals are driven by a desire to compare themselves to others. They are content with earning one dollar more than their colleagues, yet they are willing to work overtime daily to achieve this. Some people observe that others possess a new house, a car, and financial stability and will employ any means to surpass them.

As long as he is in a superior position to the other person, he is content and in a positive emotional state. However, it is questionable whether he is truly happy.

It can be argued that the majority of people are situated within this context. Those who adhere to this form of happiness tend to lead lives that are characterized by exhaustion. They are constantly engaged in competition with others and in the pursuit of their own interests, which can result in significant mental and physical fatigue.

2. Conditional happiness

Additionally, there is a category of individuals who exhibit a lack of concern for the opinions of others and do not engage in competitive behaviors. They possess their own objectives and derive satisfaction from the fulfillment of these goals.

For example, some individuals in the workplace refrain from participating in the appraisal and selection process, allowing others to compete for their attention. They have their own goals, such as obtaining a certificate or starting a side business. They are indifferent to other concerns, provided that they can enhance their appearance or find a romantic partner within the current year.

This group of people is characterized by a self-centered approach, whereby they set one goal after another to achieve, and experience happiness for a limited period following the completion of each goal.

This group represents a minority of individuals who typically lead comfortable lives and are inclined to prioritize the immediate implementation of their goals.

Nevertheless, these individuals are leading a rather unfulfilled existence, as their aspirations remain unattained and they perpetually reside in a future-oriented mindset.

3. Unconditional happiness

This represents the pinnacle of human happiness. Such individuals are aware that life is a journey of enjoyment and that it is an experience. Their happiness is not contingent on external circumstances.

For example, when individuals are compelled to undertake their daily commute and encounter congestion en route, a considerable proportion of them will experience a sense of frustration and express dissatisfaction, often directing their ire towards other road users.

However, individuals who are unconditionally happy will direct their attention outward, taking in the surrounding environment and appreciating its beauty.

Such individuals represent a minute fraction of our population and may be considered part of a higher spiritual order.

In light of these considerations, it becomes evident that in order to effect a change, it is necessary to inquire of oneself, "How can I be happy?"

It is not feasible to implement this immediately, but it is possible to examine the matter from a different standpoint. Transformations are typically gradual.

It is also possible to seek assistance from external sources, such as reading books to gain insight. Should one desire to achieve results rapidly, it is possible to seek the help of professional consultants to facilitate growth.

It is my hope that this response will prove beneficial to the questioner.

I would like to express my gratitude for your attention. My name is Jiusi, and I am a member of the Yixinli community. I am grateful to have the opportunity to interact with you.

Hello, question asker!

I have carefully read your question and deeply understand your current dilemma. A career in the civil service is something we all dream of, but for the time being it is out of our reach. At this moment, you must feel lost. But at this very moment, a friend happily tells you that she has made it. I understand this contrast in emotions. You will make it too. Hugs to you!

My view is that if your friend doesn't know you've applied for a job, it's fine. But if he does, he should steer clear of the subject. Or he could just tell you he doesn't know. I'm also wondering if he feels a good friend should let you know and isn't as happy about it as you think. This kind of situation can happen because we're suffering inside!

When we were suffering so much, he was just not that happy. In our hearts, we also felt particularly stimulated, which magnified his happiness.

If you know you came here to ask a question and you feel guilty about your emotions, what do you do now? Reflect on those feelings and see how close you really are to her.

Let's examine the situation as it stood at the time. We'll address it next.

This is similar to how I handle situations with my baby. I tell him that when he encounters classmates with lower grades, he shouldn't show off or boast about his own grades. He should also be patient with classmates who have difficulty studying and try to explain things to them. If they occasionally get good grades, he should accept it and not feel superior. He should turn this discomfort into motivation to move forward. He shouldn't dwell on these issues. If he does, it will hinder his progress. He should also not take other people's successes or failures too personally.

I know it's not easy, but you have to allow yourself to be in this state. It's normal. Our subconscious, our instinct, is to hope that there will be someone to keep us company, to be our companion. We hope that we will all stay together and never go ashore. This is especially true for close friends. If we want to be friends who stay together while they go ashore, and we remain single, we should be happy for them. Only immortals can do that. None of us is that lofty.

Hug yourself in this difficult time! Let yourself feel a little warmth. Don't force yourself. It's impossible to be happy and smile at them when you haven't made it ashore yet. We don't blame him for coming to cheer us up. I know if he really is a friend, he won't blame you either. At this time, don't think too much, and don't feel guilty towards your friend. If you have to say you are guilty, it's him who did it first.

As for the friend you mentioned who is taking the postgraduate entrance exam, her anxiety, and the comfort you gave her, I believe this may also be a problem that occurred at this time. If it also happened after you both went ashore, and he still came to you for comfort, I think he should also pay a little attention, don't you agree? We haven't gone ashore yet. If he asked you like this before, there's actually nothing wrong with it, because it's his business after all, not ours. For other people's business, it's just that we feel that whether or not we pass the exam doesn't matter. Only our own immediate interests will cause us pain. We don't have to demand so much of ourselves. We can do as much as we can.

You say that other people can't help being happy when they see someone doing well. If they are sincere, we can admire them and learn from them. If we can't do it for the time being, we shouldn't blame ourselves. Give yourself time to achieve your goals. It's scary that some people may really be actors, putting on a show. This kind of person may be even more annoying.

It's inevitable to feel bad. If you want to cry, you can cry. You haven't landed yet, but you will. Use your energy to deal with the next time. This is not the end. This mentality will allow us to deal with the future well.

I don't believe your friends have distanced themselves from you. Why do you say that? It seems to me that either they know how to behave, or you need to deal with these emotions on your own. Whether you have chosen to distance yourself from them or you feel that they have gradually distanced themselves from you and don't share things with you, I believe this is all a bit subjective when you are in a low mood.

If we are in a good mood, for example, we are happy about everything. This allows us to look at things from a different perspective.

You should know this saying: "Tears are splashed when feeling the time, and the heart is startled by hatred of parting." The same flowers and birds in different situations, people's feelings are different. We are now in a difficult situation, so your friends' treatment of you may not be the truth. If it is not the truth, then your definition of yourself may not be true.

It's not getting worse. I think your friends are trying to be more considerate and give you some breathing room. They're thinking of you.

Cheer up! Your friends are always there for you. They will be around when you get through this difficult period. You will still feel the support of your friends and the beauty of life. You will get back on track in your career soon.

You can get out of this predicament soon if you work hard. The world and I love you, and you can have a better future!

Hello there!

Reading your description, I want to give you a big, warm hug! It's totally normal to feel a bit envious when others are doing well. We all have our own struggles and challenges, and it's natural to wish that everyone around us is facing less difficulty than we are. But remember, you are worthy just as you are. You don't need to compare yourself to others to feel good about yourself. You are enough, just the way you are!

? Learn to affirm yourself ?

Honey, everyone has so many good qualities! And whether other people are good or not, and whether they are doing well or not, it doesn't affect your life one bit!

When we were young, we all wanted to be "number one," and who can blame us? There's only one number one, and it's a pretty exclusive club! There are dozens or even hundreds of people competing for that one spot. We all want to be admired, praised for our hard work and our awesomeness.

We all want to be liked, don't we? And it's only natural to want to be the best we can be. But, honey, you are great and awesome just the way you are! It's so much better to affirm yourself. You weren't born a loser!

"But I can become better through my own efforts" ~

? It's okay to separate the issues.

We can't know how much hard work and effort others have put in to get their results. But we can be sure that every effort we make counts! Everything has its own cause and effect. If we work hard on the cause, do what we should do, and do what we should do with a calm heart, then the result will not be so important if we are happy in the process! As the saying goes, work hard on the cause and let fate take its course.

But every effort we make counts! Everything has its own cause and effect. If we work hard on the cause, do what we should do, and do what we should do with a calm heart, then we'll be happy in the process! As the saying goes, work hard on the cause and let fate take its course.

I really hope my answer is helpful to you! I love you so much, and so does the world!