How to resolve my dissatisfaction with my boyfriend's shortcomings recently?

The questioner knows how he feels and can understand others.

How long has she been dating him? The "small details" you listed don't seem to have had the effect you think they would have on her!

In an interactive game, you need to earn tokens to unlock kissing and cuddling. I'm the only one trying.

I was busy until 7:30 yesterday. I asked him to order takeout. I thanked him and told him there was something he could improve next time. He didn't want to listen. He said it was fine this time, but he'd have to remember to pay in the future.

Yesterday he was supposed to run in a group from 7 to 10, but it became 8 to 10:30 because of pigeons. After the run, he didn't come find me.

If I tell him, he'll think, "Why is this so troublesome? Why is she sad again?"

From these details, I feel the questioner is trying hard to bring the two closer, but her boyfriend is inattentive. What does the questioner feel?

Is she being ignored, uncared for, and unconcerned by her boyfriend?

"There were times when I played his favorite game and he would say, 'This boss is easy to beat. You just have to believe in yourself and try other methods.'

I felt like he was blaming me. If he thought I was, then asking him to order takeout after praising him and telling him how to order next time could be improved.

I feel more judged when I get a compliment or thank you. It makes it seem like I'm being praised just to be criticized later.

"Feelings are all negative. I don't know if these feelings are right." It doesn't matter if the feelings are positive or negative. They are "good" for the questioner, which shows that the questioner's feelings are normal and healthy. The so-called "positive and negative" is more of a definition we give it from our own perspective.

If you don't know how to change, there's no question of changing. It might be more appropriate to use the word "adjustment."

The questioner seems to want to be in control. This may be an unconscious thing. So you and your boyfriend don't match. You are trying hard, while he is avoiding.

"Your nitpicking" may want to prove that they are good. They are better than "boyfriend," so in this relationship, "you" have to listen to "me," and I have the "authority" to tell you what to do.

Everyone has something that is inferior to others. There's no need to be afraid of whether we are "always good enough," whether we are better than others, or whether it is more beneficial to be honest and reveal yourself if a relationship is to last.

I hope my response was helpful. Best wishes!

Dear questioner,

Hello!

From what you've told me, it seems like you're feeling pretty dissatisfied with your boyfriend, and you've got some grievances, too. It's totally normal to feel this way! It's also clear that you're dealing with some negative emotions. You've recognized that these negative emotions are connected to your dissatisfaction and grievances, and you've taken the brave step of asking for help here.

It's totally normal to feel dissatisfied with your boyfriend sometimes. It's just a matter of understanding why. The things you're upset about seem pretty minor, but it's important to figure out why they're bothering you. Let's take a closer look together. Once we understand the root cause, we can start to work through our emotions.

I just want to check in and see if these minor grievances against your boyfriend are something that have only recently arisen. Would these same things have caused you to be dissatisfied with your boyfriend in the past?

From what you've told me, it seems like you're talking about what's going on right now. I get the feeling that this kind of dissatisfaction is something that's only happened recently, and that similar things in the past wouldn't have made you feel this way. Is that right?

If this is the case, there are a few reasons why this might be happening.

1. It's totally understandable that something unhappy has happened at work or in your life recently, and that you're having a hard time expressing your emotions. It's natural to take these feelings out on the people closest to us, including our boyfriends. When we're emotional, it's important to have an outlet to vent.

It's totally normal to feel this way! When you can't vent your anger at the person involved in an upsetting event for some reason, you'll find another outlet that you think is relatively safe. It's like finding a scapegoat.

2. Dissatisfaction with the boyfriend himself. When you first start a relationship, it's so exciting and passionate! After a while, though, when the relationship stabilizes and the initial passion fades, it's natural for everyone to return to reason. The boyfriend is still the same, but you see things differently, so many problems that were initially overlooked become apparent.

3. As your relationship grows and becomes more stable, your boyfriend might start to change. In the early days of a relationship, people often play it safe and take things slow. But once things start to feel more settled, they can start to relax a bit more and show you who they really are.

We all know how it goes. Sometimes, no matter how much you love your boyfriend, you might still feel a bit dissatisfied. So what should you do?

1. If this is the case, the first thing to do is learn to recognize emotions. Emotions are an external expression of a person's inner world, and they are something we all face every single day. However, due to the influence and limitations of the environment, we cannot express our emotions completely and truthfully according to our subjective wishes.

Let's say, for instance, that someone gets criticized by their boss at work. They might not express their anger, dissatisfaction, or sense of injustice directly in front of their boss. Some folks choose to suppress their emotions inside, while others choose to find an outlet to vent their emotions. This might be the reason for the first situation.

If you vent your emotions on your boyfriend, he might feel a bit resentful, too. Over time, this could affect your relationship. So, to gain your boyfriend's understanding, why not tell him about the things that trigger your emotions?

And don't forget to find other ways to relieve your emotions!

2. In the second and third situations, the process of falling in love is also a process of self-growth for both parties. This is a wonderful opportunity to learn to be tolerant, understand, and think from the other person's perspective. In the process of tolerating and understanding each other, you will promote your own growth.

3. When you realize you have emotions, find a way to relieve them that suits you. It could be going shopping with a good friend or doing something you like. Making peace with your emotions is also a good way to deal with them.

In short, there are so many ways to deal with emotions! The best way is the one that suits you. One thing to remember is that suppressing emotions can cause more harm than good. So, when you have emotions, don't try to suppress them!

I really hope these answers are helpful for you!

Hello, question asker.

From your description, it is clear that you value your relationship with your partner and are actively learning how to get along with each other. Your keen awareness is undoubtedly a great asset in dealing with the problems you have!

From your words, it's clear you need your partner to pay attention to and care for you. When these expectations aren't met, you doubt your relationship. Have you tried expressing this need to your partner?

You should also consider whether the way you express it is appropriate. You can refer to the methods in Nonviolent Communication for this kind of communication.

Express your needs reasonably.

State your observations clearly and without comment.

This is an observation. I had gastroenteritis last week, but you didn't say you cared.

This is a comment: "I got sick, but you didn't even care. I feel like you don't even care about me."

2. State your feelings. (Avoid expressing feelings as thoughts.)

I feel sad.

I am convinced that no one in this world will ever love me.

3. State your needs directly to the other person.

I need to hear your concern and greetings when I am sick. I want to be sure that you love me.

4. Make your request clear and direct (be specific, avoid a commanding or forcing tone).

A good request is one that is specific and avoids a commanding or forcing tone. In this case, the request is clear: "I hope you can show a little more concern for me next time I'm sick."

This is a bad request. If you continue to ignore my feelings, I will doubt whether you really love me.

I have a lot of negative energy, and I expect him to meet my emotional needs. When he can't, I doubt the relationship.

I have always been very supportive, and I am sad when he is unhappy. I try to understand his favorite games and dramas, but we usually just talk about the things he likes and my life. I want to talk about the things I like too (I don't have any friends with similar interests). I think it would be better if I stopped trying so hard for the things he likes.

From this passage, it is clear that you have found the answer.

This is an illusion caused by different ways of expressing oneself.

Boys may express their love differently than us girls. They are not good at expressing their love with words, but they will prove it with actions. When you doubt your relationship, recall whether he has done anything that makes you feel touched and cared for.

(P.S. I've been in a similar situation, so I made a "good boyfriend record." It's a list of things my partner has done that made me happy and touched me. I'm convinced that my partner loves me, and it affects how they act in their daily lives.

Over time, your trust in each other will grow.

There are reasonable needs and unreasonable needs.

A reasonable need is that you are comfortable, and the other person will be happy because you are comfortable. When you are sick and need the other person's care, he knows that you will be happy because of his care. This shows that he loves you and wants to see you happy.

If you can't play well and need encouragement from your partner instead of negative comments, use non-violent communication methods to express your needs. He'll know that encouragement is better for you. Seeing you happy and making progress will make him happy to do that.

Unreasonable demands are those that make you feel better but not the other person. The most obvious ones are the things that seem like problems to you but not to the other person. For example, if you tell the other person how to order takeaway better, this is not something that can be done better to you. It is a strict requirement.

You must communicate reasonable needs in a timely manner. If you don't, your doubts about the relationship will deepen, and you will become more sensitive. You will become like you, saying, "A little detail can provoke my dissatisfaction," and it may further stimulate some unreasonable needs in your heart.

In a relationship, you simply cannot try to change or control the other person.

Think about why you fell in love with the other person in the first place. What are the shining points of the other person that attracted you so much?

Paying more attention to each other's strengths will undoubtedly improve your relationship. As for weaknesses, if the other person doesn't feel that there is anything wrong, my advice is to turn a blind eye.

You can still make suggestions, but don't expect or demand that your partner can make any changes in a short period of time. Otherwise, you'll only hurt yourself, and your partner will feel bad about you wanting to change them. They may even doubt whether you really like them.

Read books on intimacy and non-violent communication, as well as other books related to intimacy. They will help you manage your relationship and learn from it.

I am a big brain hole, and I love the world. Thanks for reading!

Good morning,

Host:

I am Coach Zeng Chen of Xin Tan. I have carefully read the post and can discern your grievances from the content.

Furthermore, I noted that the individual in question proactively sought assistance on the platform, which will undoubtedly facilitate a deeper understanding of their own needs and facilitate positive self-adjustment, ultimately leading to enhanced happiness and well-being.

I will now share my observations and thoughts on the matter, which I hope will provide the poster with a more diverse perspective on themselves and intimacy.

1. Identify your own needs.

Disputes in romantic relationships frequently emerge due to unmet needs or unfulfilled expectations. The individual in question stated that, within the context of the game, tokens must be earned to unlock kissing and cuddling actions. However, it is evident that I am the sole party attempting to earn these tokens.

After completing the task, he did not approach you on his own initiative.

I informed him of the necessity for improvement in the takeaway, but he was uncooperative.

Furthermore, he did not appear overly concerned when he became unwell.

When he is not otherwise engaged, he does not seek out your company or exert himself to fulfill the plans you have made.

After reviewing this material, it is evident that the original poster consistently displays negative emotions and harsh criticism towards her partner.

Let us examine the rationale behind these assumptions and identify the underlying needs that drive these thoughts and behaviors. This is an area that can be further investigated.

It is not uncommon for conflicts in intimate relationships to conceal our needs. It may, therefore, be beneficial for the original poster to consider how they would feel if the other person met their expectations.

Often, these feelings represent our true inner needs. We anticipate that our partner will satisfy them, but we are taught to be understanding. This can result in conflict in our hearts.

2. The logic of many girls' love

I will now present the logic of many girls in love. It may not be directly applicable to your situation, but it can serve as a useful reference point. Many girls have this perception in a relationship:

This indicates that there is a need for something, but it is not being expressed. If this need is not met, it could be perceived as a lack of love. What are the consequences of this logic?

When their partner is unaware of their needs, many women will take the initiative to express their frustration through their actions. They may seek comfort from their partner, indicating their anger, and feel the need to communicate their unmet expectations through their behavior.

This can even result in their boyfriends feeling uncomfortable, as if they are being made to feel responsible for their partner's feelings. This then creates a situation where the boyfriend feels he needs to understand their partner's feelings in order to avoid causing them discomfort.

The discrepancy in the thinking patterns of men and women often leads to misunderstandings in relationships. Many boyfriends are unaware of what their girlfriends want, and may even question their girlfriend's sudden anger.

At this juncture, it is prudent to consider how to prioritize one's own needs.

3. Learn to articulate your feelings and request that your partner meet your needs.

It is not uncommon for girls to exhibit certain behaviors with the aim of gaining their boyfriends' attention and love. They desire to be understood and seen, and they seek confirmation from their partners' actions and feedback that they are loved. This is a common need among girls.

However, for various reasons, many women are reluctant to request what they want from their partners. They may be concerned about maintaining a positive image.

Some individuals believe that expressing their needs and making requests to their partner may make them appear less understanding. However, more mature individuals tend to view this as a mature approach, whereby they express their feelings and ask their partner to meet their needs.

Then express your gratitude when he fulfills your request. This will reinforce his sense of being needed and valued, which will in turn enhance his attractiveness.

Furthermore, research indicates that when women make specific requests, men are more likely to accommodate them. Therefore, it is beneficial for women to try this approach as well. In some cases, it is unnecessary for women to be so "knowledgeable."

It is also important to learn how to satisfy your own needs.

There are three methods for fulfilling our needs. The first is to request fulfillment from another individual. The second is to request fulfillment from a third party. The third is to fulfill our needs ourselves.

It is important to recognize that while a boyfriend can satisfy our needs in a relationship, he is not always able to do so.

Given the inherent limitations of all individuals, it is crucial to recognize that when our partners are unable to fulfill our needs, we must learn to satisfy ourselves.

It is important to understand that adults require a balance of interdependence and independence in a relationship. In order to maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship, it is essential to learn how to meet your own needs.

The option of utilizing this ability is a separate matter. There is no obligation to use it, and appreciating my partner's support is also a form of contentment.

If your boyfriend is unable to meet your needs, you have the option of satisfying them yourself. This can be a source of personal fulfillment.

I hope these resources will prove helpful and inspiring to the original poster. Should you have any further questions, you are invited to click on Find a Coach to communicate with a coach one-on-one.

Please note:

For example, last week I had gastroenteritis, nausea, and diarrhea. After I informed him of this, he did not inquire about it further and even stated that it was not a significant issue.

I informed him that I would be in the lab from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m. this week. Despite this, I called at 9 p.m. to suggest a chat and enquire about his plans. I asked him when I was free that day and informed him of my availability. I followed up with him, but he replied, "I don't know what it means to be on duty."

Furthermore, I am perplexed by his decision to order an ice cream when he is aware that I will be unable to retrieve it in a timely manner. This action not only causes me inconvenience but also gives him pleasure, which I find distressing.

It is difficult to discern when he is joking and when his actions are intended to provoke a negative emotional response.

I recognize that I may be projecting a negative energy, as though I expect him to meet my emotional needs. When he fails to do so, I question the viability of the relationship.

I have been conducting some introspection, but I believe I have consistently demonstrated supportiveness, and I empathize with him when he is unhappy. I have attempted to gain insight into his preferred games and shows, but our discussions typically revolve around his interests and my life. I also wish to discuss the things I enjoy, as I lack friends with similar interests.

I am unsure if it would be more beneficial to cease my efforts to accommodate his preferences.

I have recently been occupied with graduate studies and work in the laboratory, while my partner has been idle, quarantined alone in a hotel for ten days. We have been together for four years, and we have been apart for half a year.

Previously, when he was occupied with work and other commitments, I could rationalize that it might be challenging to maintain attention on each other's feelings amidst such demands. However, now that he has no scheduled activities daily, he has been less inclined to visit and has not been as dedicated to the tasks we agreed upon. This has led to feelings of disappointment.

I am sometimes concerned that I may be perceived as an emotional vampire or as emotionally pulling him in the wrong direction. Therefore, I typically aim to express support and demonstrate understanding, while refraining from competing for attention on games or other activities.

However, I consistently perceive a lack of attention from him and a prioritization of other matters over my own.

I am hesitant to bring this up with him due to concerns that my feelings and perspectives may be misinterpreted as incorrect. Additionally, I am uncertain if he will view this as an annoyance, given his previous remarks about feeling overwhelmed and lacking the capacity to cater to my needs.