I almost broke up with my boyfriend because of his family. What's going on?

Hello!

I read your question and your feedback. You're young and assertive. I admire you!

I can empathize with you. You went to your boyfriend's house for the first time, and he left you with his sister. It wasn't a good feeling. I'm sorry for you. Let me give you a hug!

You were angry and expressed your anger, which I think is a way of defending yourself. Otherwise, you would have broken down. You expressed your anger, but later on, you still had worries, which affected your life. These past few months have been really hard for you. Let me give you a warm hug again!

Have you heard this saying before? Youth is for getting lost. Everyone is lost during adolescence. Now you are lost in this incident. How do we get out of this predicament?

Let me share my views based on my experience!

First, we admit that seeing the situation in my boyfriend's family is inconsistent with our perception, and it is normal for us to feel angry. We know that no matter who sees something that is different from their own perception, they will have a different opinion and express it in different ways. So all your actions at the time were normal. This is one of our defense mechanisms. Don't do that now. Think back and don't forgive yourself. Don't let that painful experience happen again!

Second, forgive. Reflect on your own state and performance. What should we do next? Express our true thoughts, including our anger. Don't glare, wave your hands, or speak angrily. Find a suitable way to express your anger.

Next, let's talk about ways to express anger. You've already mentioned positive ways to communicate with your boyfriend. These are good ways to express your emotions, including anger. You said that after you express your anger, your boyfriend would change his habit. This is impossible, so we have to accept that things will repeat themselves. When you're angry, you should be flexible and find new ways to express it.

Finally, I want to say that youth is for learning and growing. Every pain you experience now helps you in the future. In working with your boyfriend and other family members, you will find ways to deal with things. We know that we can improve by doing things. I appreciate what you said about putting his family in the right place. All the minor conflicts you have are finding that right place. You are young and not afraid to solve problems as they arise. This is the biggest advantage of our young people.

You made it! Your future is going to be great! I love you!

I perceive a certain degree of confusion in your current state of mind, and I offer you a gesture of comfort.

The situation you are currently facing can be attributed to a complex interplay of emotions, including love. I extend my support and offer a gesture of comfort in the form of a warm embrace.

I would like to express my gratitude for your trust in me and for inviting me to respond to your questions.

Upon reading your description on multiple occasions, I have formed the impression that you are experiencing difficulties in accepting your boyfriend and his family, given the close relationship that exists between them.

The issue, then, is that even if one were to marry one's romantic partner, one would still be expected to interact with their in-laws on occasion.

You stated that your boyfriend is currently 19 years of age and enrolled in college, yet his father continues to inquire about him and express concern on a daily basis.

Indeed, at the outset of my marriage, I similarly struggled to comprehend the necessity of my husband's daily telephone conversations with his father, given that they resided in the same city.

Subsequently, more than six years ago, following the demise of my mother, I experienced a profound urge to reconnect with her.

Following the unexpected passing of my mother, I came to recognize the value of the daily opportunity to converse with her, yet I had not fully appreciated it.

Furthermore, one of the respondents indicated that your boyfriend's father is involved in your relationship in a disruptive manner and treats you with disrespect.

It would be advisable to clearly state your position to your boyfriend, should the opportunity arise. For instance, you could suggest that decisions pertaining to your relationship should be made by you and your boyfriend, rather than by your boyfriend's father.

Should you perceive a lack of respect from your boyfriend's father, you may wish to discuss this with your boyfriend, suggesting that he address the matter with his father directly.

With regard to his relationship with his sister, it is possible that this closeness is a consequence of their similar age, which is a typical factor in such relationships.

A comparable situation exists in my own marriage, where my husband is five years my junior. His brother also maintains a high level of communication with him via telephone.

In light of these considerations, it is evident that your question pertains to the issue of accepting your boyfriend's close relationship with his family.

In such a case, it would be prudent to reflect on the nature of the relationship with the boyfriend in question.

It is inevitable that your boyfriend will continue to reside with his family after marriage; therefore, it is not feasible to prohibit him from maintaining close ties with them.

The fact that you are seeking answers to these questions on this platform indicates that you are already contemplating the suitability of your boyfriend's relationship with you.

It is possible that you have already formed a conclusion.

The objective is to obtain further advice from other respondents and ascertain whether their opinions align with your own.

It is my sincere hope that the issue you are currently experiencing can be resolved in the near future.

I have no further suggestions at this time.

It is my sincere hope that the above responses are both helpful and inspiring to you, young lady. As the respondent, I endeavor to study diligently on a daily basis.

At Yixinli, we extend our warmest regards to you and the entire world. Wishing you the best!

Thanks for sharing your confusion with us.

You and your boyfriend go back to their house. You see the "happiness" inscription at the door and a portrait of a family of four.

This "happiness" is overwhelming.

Seeing him and his sister playing games and doing homework while you look at photos of them makes you angry.

The boyfriend has a happy family and a good relationship with his sister. Is this what you expected? What is the interaction pattern in your family like?

You think their family ties are too close, and you suffer from this closeness. A happy family atmosphere with love and care is a prerequisite for a happy home.

You see only the aggression this happiness brings, but you don't think you have it too. It's so strong you want to escape.

Find a counselor on the platform and explore how you write your life story together.

Best wishes!

I don't know why I'm angry.

It's natural to want to catch up with family after a long absence, especially if you have a close relationship.

You don't have to be together all the time. It's good to read, check your phone, or take a nap after a long journey.

Can't you see how happy they are together? I don't understand why anyone would think family ties are too close.

Who feels like they have enough love?

This anger seems to be about losing something you love. Do you feel your relationship with your boyfriend is in danger? Do you feel like an outsider?

Think back to when you were angry. Was it reasonable?

Everyone has many roles. Your boyfriend will never belong to you alone, and neither will you.

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Different roles have different emotions. You don't think you can be alone in a relationship, do you? Family and love are two separate things. Your love is not the same as his family's love, but they are both important to him.

There's no reason to choose one or the other, no need to worry, and there's no logic to anger or breakups.

You should feel happy and grateful. A boyfriend who grew up in such a family will have benefited from the importance of family, responsibility, emotions, and psychological health.

If you get married, it will have a positive impact on your relationship and family. Perhaps he also comes from a loving family.

You should be grateful for your family.

Think again. Do you need to compare something that is not real to something that is more important?

Do you need to worry about his family? Do you need to force him to choose between them?

Do you doubt the results?

I wish you happiness.

Hello, question asker! Reading your words, I know you are going through a rough patch. Looking at the happy family of four, you often feel angry. Is the root of this anger because you feel unaccepted?

At just 19 years old, there's still plenty of time to talk about marriage! Getting to know someone can be a great way to start building a solid foundation for a future together. It's not uncommon for two people to feel an intense emotional connection early on, which can be a wonderful sign.

This makes it very difficult to understand each other's true character, which is an exciting challenge! This attachment blinds them to the immature or irresponsible behavior in their own and each other's actions, and they continue to maintain the relationship, which is a testament to their dedication.

There's a strong attraction between two people in love! But if the attraction is based on romantic fantasies and excessive attachment, it might affect the parties' ability to assess their readiness to enter into an intimate relationship.

A strong attachment can blind you to certain aspects of your partner's character, so it's a great opportunity to get to know his family closely. This is a wonderful chance to observe your future partner in the company of others and see what kind of person his close friends are. If a person cannot treat others with courtesy and respect, then he is unlikely to show courtesy and respect in his future family—but if he treats his family with respect, it's a good sign that he'll treat you with respect, too!

On the other hand, signs of possessiveness, greed, jealousy, and authoritarianism all indicate immaturity and lack of preparedness for marriage.

From your description, it's clear that your boyfriend has a very close and harmonious relationship with his family members. He cares for his younger sister and is able to show tolerance for your anger, willing to make changes. Your younger sister is also very understanding of human nature. Even though they've had some unpleasant interactions, she still sent you small gifts! Generally speaking, if people are grateful, pay attention to the feelings of others, and maintain inner happiness, their relationships tend to be stable.

And there's more! Having a sense of humor and knowing how to share fun and laughter with others are also great signs. These characteristics are all signs of maturity and readiness for marriage. On the other hand, taking everything for granted, rarely laughing, complaining a lot, and being ungrateful definitely indicate a lack of readiness for marriage.

Are you ready to start an intimate relationship? I'm Zhang Huili, a listening coach, and I'm here to help! Let's chat and start your journey of self-discovery. You'll be part of a happy family in no time! Surround yourself with people who care for and protect you. You'll be the happiest person in the future!

Hello!

I am a heart exploration coach, and I can tell you with certainty that learning is the treasure of the body.

From your description, I can clearly see your inner doubts, confusion, pain, and helplessness.

I won't go into the details of your troubles with your boyfriend's relationship status here. However, I am going to give you three pieces of advice that you should consider.

First, you need to understand yourself and accept your situation.

Doing so will make your heart feel slightly easier, which will help you think about what to do next.

You said that you and your boyfriend went back to his home, and you felt very uncomfortable inside because your boyfriend is close with his sister, left you alone in the room, and then you saw his father caring for his son, and the family relationship was too close, which made you angry and express your dissatisfaction with your boyfriend. You also had the urge to break up. This is understandable because love is exclusive. This may also be the main reason why you feel angry at his closeness with his family. You may feel that he loves his sister more, cares more about his family, and doesn't love you the most, which makes you sad and painful. You may also feel that your boyfriend is not as invested in your relationship as you are. In addition, it may also be that the atmosphere in your original family was not like this. Perhaps your parents did not have an intimate relationship with you, and the family members did their own things and were not very close. This may also be one of the reasons why your relationship with his family later became worse. You have to try to understand yourself and comfort yourself. You need to "see" the part of yourself that is suffering inside but temporarily doesn't know what to do. This will take your mind off other things. Otherwise, your brain will be filled with all kinds of negative emotions.

You must allow yourself to understand yourself and accept your current state if you want to promote change in the status quo. It may sound contradictory, but it is the truth: change is based on allowing for no change.

Secondly, you must view your own state rationally.

Rational thinking helps you understand yourself and reality better.

To take a rational approach, you must do two things:

First, accept that if you want to be with your boyfriend, you need to accept the way he gets along with his family. You always react with anger, which is understandable, but it's important to recognize that he may be very tired because he cares about both sides. Even if he chooses to be with you and ignore his family, he will still be very torn inside, which is not good for your relationship. If you accept his situation, he will be willing to change for you because your acceptance gives him support and strength.

Second, understand that you can change the status quo because you have the power to do so.

You have the power to change your relationship with your boyfriend and his family. When you take the initiative, you will see positive changes in your relationship and in your own emotions. It's time to take control.

You need to focus on yourself and think about what you can do to feel better.

If you still want to be with your boyfriend, talk to him again. When you do, do two things: first, try to understand him by standing in his shoes; second, remain calm and speak your needs and true thoughts without emotions. This way, communication will be more effective and may also be beneficial for improving your relationship.

Ask yourself why you're angry. Do you really want your boyfriend to stop contacting his family? I don't think so. If he's the type of guy who doesn't contact his family, you may find it hard to fall in love with him. A guy who doesn't love his family is hardly worthy of love. Find a compromise with your boyfriend. Let him take your feelings into account while also taking care of his family. For example, you and your boyfriend can play with his sister together and help her with her homework. This way, you can gradually participate in their family life, ease your relationship with his sister, and help your relationship progress. He won't be in a difficult situation.

Tell yourself when you're angry, "I can't resolve this dissatisfaction. It will only make the problem worse. I need to adopt a rational approach." This will help you calm down and feel better.

Remind yourself that loving someone is loving them for who they are. This will help you accept your boyfriend's relationship with his family. Then, tell him your needs. He will meet them, and your relationship will improve. Know that you can do something to improve the situation.

Take action and the negative emotions in your heart will naturally dissipate. Action is the enemy of all kinds of negative emotions.

I am confident that my answer is helpful. If you would like to communicate further, simply click "Find a coach to interpret – online conversation" at the bottom, and I will communicate with you one-on-one.

Marriage and love are all about two people coming together, separating from their original families, and starting a new relationship and family of their own!

It's clear that there's a challenge between you and your boyfriend because of his family.

He becomes the focus of your friendly competition with his family.

As you said, he is too closely related to his family. In psychological terms, they are almost in a symbiotic state, not very well differentiated.

In this case, your union with him means you get to pull him away from his family, which is bound to cause some pain for him and his family.

However, if you cannot make him separate from his family and come to you, or if you cannot enter their family, you will feel lonely and unable to integrate. But don't worry! There are plenty of other exciting opportunities out there for you.

I went back to my boyfriend's house with him once, and as soon as I got home, I saw the big inscription "happiness" on the door, and then I saw a portrait of their family of four, as if they were really happy!

Before you entered his home, the family you saw was undoubtedly happy!

You see their happiness and imagine that this family may bring you warmth.

Because happiness is contagious, including the boyfriend and his family, in your imagination, they should accept you and be nice to you! You will become a happy member of their family!

With this expectation, you walked into their home, ready to embrace the adventure that lay ahead.

The problem is that after returning to his house, he (19 years old) got close to his younger sister (16 years old), went to play games with her, did his homework in her room, taught her to do her homework, and left me alone in the room looking at the portrait of the four-member family. Then anger gradually welled up from the bottom of my heart, gradually evolving into the painful urge to break up. Their family ties were too close. The father would ask about his son every day and care about him, even when his son was away at university. After her brother started dating me, his younger sister called him crying, saying that since he started dating me, he had shown less care for her.

I'm so excited to share my interpretation of this paragraph with you!

1. Before entering his home, you can sense the love and admiration his boyfriend's father has for him, and his sister is competing for his love.

2. Walking into his family home, your boyfriend leaves you behind to stay with his sister, confirming and provoking your usual suspicions and dissatisfaction about their suffocating family relationship.

You thought that such a happy family would surely welcome you warmly, and you were right!

You will become a happy member of their family!

But when they band together to snub you, it is absolutely intolerable to you!

It also makes all your previous expectations fall apart, and you feel not only that you are not welcome in their family, but that they are also fighting over him with you.

Your boyfriend doesn't care about your feelings, and you feel unappreciated. You're angry, aren't you? Well, you're going to have to do something about it!

As time passed, I felt my anger growing. I was in a room with portraits of the four of them, and my boyfriend and his sister were in another room. I felt increasingly bitter, thinking that they were together, that they were living as a family, while I was all alone.

I was so angry, I told my boyfriend I was miserable and wanted a break. But then my relationship with his sister and his family got even worse, and I was stuck in it.

You had the chance to express your feelings to your boyfriend when you went to his house for the first time. You had doubts about the relationship, but you also had the chance to share your anger with him.

This is a great way to handle the situation and let your boyfriend know how you feel!

I'd love to know what kind of response your boyfriend gave you!

I'm excited to see what solutions he comes up with!

Does he understand your pain of being neglected? I sure hope so!

Has he realized that he has not yet differentiated well from his family of origin? I'm sure he will soon!

If your boyfriend can't solve these problems, there's still hope! You can work through them together and come out stronger than ever.

We highly recommend that you have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about the importance of him gradually detaching from his family of origin.

This is an essential step for anyone looking to become independent and start fresh with a new family dynamic.

Otherwise, after you get married, you will still be fighting with his family over him. But don't worry! You can avoid this by following the advice in this article.

In this process of separating from his family, you get to balance the time and attention you spend with your family and his family!

The focal point of this conflict is the boyfriend, so let him resolve and coordinate the relationship! This is the best way to move forward. Instead of you directly intervening and confronting his family, let him take the lead.

And there you have it!

I'm Yan Guilai, a psychological counselor, and I wish you all the best!

Hello, sweetheart, I'm Coach Xinfan, and I'm so excited to work with you!

I totally get it! When you're at your boyfriend's house, you see how close-knit and happy the family of four is, and you feel like you don't fit in. But I can see that you're angry because you're feeling lonely.

Your boyfriend is straight, and he unintentionally "ignores" you when he gets home and interacts with his younger sister. It makes you feel jealous, but it also makes you realize that you're ready for more. You've gone from the state of your boyfriend only caring about and taking care of you to him being just a "stranger," which makes you even more excited for what's to come.

In order to protect their self-esteem, they display anger in a bold and courageous way to defend their wounded hearts and assert their "sovereignty." However, this "impulse" ultimately leads to a stalemate with your boyfriend's family, and even affects the relationship between you.

Let's dive in and take a look at the problems that trouble you! I'm going to give you a warm hug while we do this.

The great news is that love is an ability that can be cultivated and trained!

To love and be loved is a truly wonderful thing, especially at your wonderful age, when you deserve all the good things in life. But things don't always go as planned, and there are always unexpected twists and turns, like this happy family of four.

When we were young, we received the best gift anyone could ask for: unconditional love and acceptance from our parents. Even when we were born, we were just little beings who knew nothing, but in our parents' hearts and eyes, we were the "most important." It was this unconditional love and acceptance that gave us the ability to love and connect with others.

However, some children are lucky enough to receive parental love and affirmation from an early age. Unfortunately, some children suffer from a repressive upbringing, full of criticism, blame, and negation. Thankfully, such a family environment can easily be avoided, and a child's sense of security, worth, and achievement can be preserved!

When a person lacks love and security, he will go around "asking for it" from teachers, classmates, and friends, until he finds a close lover. And then he'll ask for it even more, because he's ready to receive love!

I don't know about you, dear, but I'm really interested to hear more about your family environment, your parents' relationship, and the way they raised you. I really hope the above sharing has given you some insight!

You have strong feelings about your boyfriend's family, especially the warmth, harmony, and intimacy they share. You can sense that you want to "control" and "monopolize" your boyfriend, and you don't want his family to share his love.

You think that if you share your feelings, he will love you less. But this is a sure sign that you need to show him more love!

The great news is that love is a kind of ability, and it can be cultivated and improved! You can cultivate the ability to love yourself and connect with yourself through meditation.

And there's more! You can also achieve self-healing through writing, maintain awareness, see your emotions, and the unmet needs behind them.

You can also seek professional psychological counseling to heal your sense of security and repair your intimate relationships. People with a lack of security often display emotional disorders (getting angry easily), behavioral disorders (making those around them feel very nervous), and interpersonal relationship disorders (unable to get along with others). The good news is that you can overcome these challenges!

2. Express yourself directly and communicate effectively to maintain good relationships!

When you feel emotionally hurt, you have the power to protect yourself by getting angry!

We all have our own inherent patterns, and it's a great idea to reflect on whether we also activated the self-defense mechanism of "anger" when we encountered similar situations before.

There's nothing worse than complaining in an intimate relationship! It's so easy to get caught up in criticism, accusations, and complaints, which can lead to frustration for both parties. Not only that, but they don't solve the problem and intensify conflicts and contradictions, just like in your current situation. So, let's try to avoid them!

? What should I do? I know! I'll communicate effectively!

Effective communication is all about expressing your emotions and opinions directly. It's about sharing your feelings and thoughts in a way that's clear and honest. "This is your home, I know you well and am very close to you. You went straight to your sister's to play, and I felt lonely and scared. I want you to be by my side, so that I can feel at ease."

At the same time, listen to the other person's views and feelings. "My home is your home. It's been a long time since I saw my sister. We miss her too. I've neglected your feelings, but I won't do that again! Next time, I'll take you to see my parents first to chat, or take you with me to play with my sister."

When opinions are aligned, we can work together to find solutions to problems. Love is about understanding and tolerance, and it is also about growing up while loving and being loved. It's not too late for anything, and I really hope you will find happiness in love and a beautiful life!

I really hope the above is helpful to you! And I just want to say that I love you, and I love the world too! ?

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