I also want to be "loved by everyone and blossomed wherever I go," but in reality, everyone is different.

Hello, question asker. It's great to connect with you.

In our lives, we'll always meet people who are excellent at everything. When we do, we'll have all kinds of emotions. What's confusing is that these emotions will affect us and make us feel bad.

For instance, the attractive colleague you mentioned will make you envious and give you the impression that you want something similar, but in the end, this will make you feel bad.

I think it's because she triggered our "self-attack" mode.

Self-attack is something a lot of people do without even realizing it. It can be pretty subtle. Let me give you a few examples:

Ever had trouble sleeping? What do you think about when you can't get to sleep?

If something didn't go well, I'd blame myself. Why am I always like this? If I were better, things wouldn't have turned out like this... This kind of self-reflection is a form of self-attack.

Would you lie or hide your misfortune?

You've been divorced for several years or even more than ten years, and no one knows. You don't tell people around you when you're sick. You deal with misfortune all by yourself... This kind of concealment is also a kind of self-attack.

Do you find yourself apologizing too much? It seems like you've made apologizing your default response. You apologize for being late, for turning someone down, even when you didn't hear what the other person said clearly. When you apologize too easily, you're essentially attacking yourself.

And your envy, which eventually turns into thinking you can't measure up to this colleague, is basically a form of self-criticism.

Why do we tend to blame ourselves so much? It's because when things don't go our way, we often look for someone or something to blame. Whether it's blaming others (saying it's everyone else's fault) or blaming ourselves (it's my fault).

When things don't go your way, blame can make you feel like a narcissist. It can damage your self-esteem, so you get angry and want to destroy. This isn't a mature way to deal with problems. A more mature person will choose to attribute, rather than blame. In other words, instead of looking at whose fault it is and which malicious forces are persecuting me, they will look at how things happened and developed, and what the underlying rules are.

There are two possible outcomes when it comes to attribution. Either you find something you can change and go and change it, or you realize that things are not always under your control and accept the person who attributes things to themselves, without dwelling on the past or getting stuck on things that cannot be changed. It's important not to demand that everything goes your way.

We still have a long way to go before we can fully move from blaming to attributing.

I hope you'll gradually learn to accept your imperfect self, attribute more, blame less, and be more self-consistent.

Wishing you the best!

Good morning.

A gentle pat on the shoulder.

It is possible that seeing a beautiful female colleague being loved by someone else may make you feel inferior and lonely. Could this be because you are experiencing the "victim mentality"? It may be helpful to consider that whenever a beautiful woman appears, or a similar workplace situation arises, you may feel that you are unloved.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether this feeling of loneliness and desperation is truly a reflection of my own experience, or if it is simply an automatic response to a particular situation.

Perhaps you have experienced a similar situation and it left a lasting impression on you. Unconsciously, you may have come to believe that "being pretty" is the primary criterion for being popular and loved. Or perhaps, people's pursuit of beauty and the mainstream social values that prioritize "looks are everything" have inadvertently caused appearance-related anxiety.

In particular, appearance is an external characteristic that can be seen directly. Therefore, people who look good are more able to quickly win the attention and care of others. However, it is important to remember that a person's value is not only external, but also internal. And internal value is often more difficult to come by (often acquired through post-natal effort).

It is therefore evident that people all over the world have a preference for handsome guys and beautiful girls. However, it is important to recognise that they represent just a part of life, not the whole of it. Life is about pursuing more practical goals. When it comes down to it, we tend to prefer to be around people who know how to get along with others and create value. This is not limited to good looks, but also encompasses technology workers, medical workers, social workers, and even smaller things that help people, such as the value they generate.

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on your own value. Do you think that a lack of attention could affect the value of these values?

Could I ask why it disappears?

Could it be that they disappear based on external standards, or might they come from a place of self-denial? It might be helpful to be mindful of these kinds of thinking traps.

Sometimes, even after watching two or three hours of television on a day off, I don't feel particularly moved. However, if I watch a random real-life video of a kind driver who has just quit his job and doesn't have enough money to take a taxi, but generously gives the fare to a girl, I find myself moved to tears. In that moment, I am aware that even ordinary people may have a great soul, which is significant. The happiness we feel in life comes naturally.

It may be helpful to consider that identity anxiety, as well as feelings of jealousy and inferiority, are not necessarily caused by the actions of others. Rather, they may be influenced by our perception of ourselves. Our perception affects our emotions, and when we judge our self-worth based on a perceived lack of beauty, it can lead to feelings of unappreciation and neglect. These feelings, in turn, can contribute to a sense of unhappiness and misery.

How might one go about eliminating these negative influences? One possible approach would be to maintain a clear sense of self-awareness.

It could be said that our value is determined by what we have. It seems that clear self-awareness is a prerequisite for understanding others. This may help to ensure that our negative emotions do not interfere with our judgment, and that we are able to recognize emotions such as inner loneliness and anxiety.

Secondly, it would be beneficial to gain a deeper understanding of life and establish correct values and worldviews. While there is nothing inherently wrong with beauty, it is important to recognise that excessively pursuing beauty as a benchmark to measure all values and status may not be the most beneficial approach. This could potentially ignore the true human effort and creativity, and life may not be able to thrive without creativity and good qualities.

On the other hand, perhaps what we need more is the creativity and noble quality of human beings. Finally, it would be beneficial for us to be aware of the problem and learn to reflect on ourselves and be aware of our emotions. This could help us better manage and relieve them.

I would like to respectfully suggest that you read a book by Alain de Botton [English]: "Anxiety of Identity." I hope it will be of some help to you.

I hope this finds you well.