It is recommended that the original poster be given a hug. It is very difficult to hold anger and repressed emotions inside, as it makes it impossible to see things clearly. The individual may hold their breath no matter what they do and cannot let go.
It is evident that the original poster possesses a clear and articulate mind, expressing his questions with remarkable clarity. It is now Lin'er's task to delve deeper into the original poster's true meaning, with the hope that a few carefully chosen words will provide the original poster with a degree of emotional respite.
"Given that my mother has consistently demanded my compliance, particularly when she requests my assistance, I am expected to comply. If I express my preferences, indicating that I am unwilling to comply, she will admonish me. If I express my emotions when she admonishes me, such as anger or injustice, she will admonish me even more severely and will not permit me to express my distress through tears."
The original poster's description evinces three levels of meaning.
1. From an early age, your mother has consistently expected your compliance and exerted control over your actions. Traditionally, children were socialized to adhere to authority and exhibit conformity. However, this approach often leads to discontent as it restricts their capacity for self-expression.
2. Among the tasks assigned by the mother, there were several that the child was reluctant to perform. The age of the original poster is unclear.
It would be beneficial to ascertain whether the subjects were in adolescence or post-adolescence. During this developmental period, children often exhibit a tendency to resist their parents' directives and seek respect from adults. In the absence of this, some may choose to openly rebel, while others may resort to suppressing their rebellious sentiments.
The question thus arises as to why some children are unable to rebel directly and achieve self-coherence. This question is addressed in point 3.
3. When you expressed your unwillingness, you were scolded by your mother and were not permitted to express your emotions. Here, Lin'er seeks to ascertain the nature of your grandparents.
What deficiencies did your mother's upbringing exhibit? Did you empathize with her suffering?
It is possible to choose to be understanding of one's mother's inappropriate behavior. It may be the case that she also has a wounded inner child that needs healing, and that she sees the child as part of her inner parent. In this way, she may use the child to soothe her terrible emotions.
Parents may also exhibit childlike behavior in front of their children. Lin'er's father is similarly dominant, and Lin'er now treats him in a similar manner, tolerating his emotional outbursts and irrationality.
"Furthermore, I had already developed negative emotions, and I was reluctant to exacerbate them. Therefore, in the days that followed, whenever she asked me to do something, I would comply without saying a word. However, my emotions were negative, and I was reluctant, yet I was forced to endure and hold everything inside. I felt oppressed and suffocated, but for more than ten years, regardless of who made me angry, I would react in this way."
Your account actually serves to reinforce the preceding one. You appear to be seeking recognition of your repressed anger from those on this psychological forum. Once emotions are observed, there is no longer any question of whether they are positive or negative; their existence is validated.
Lin'er, you have elected to suppress your authentic emotions and instead accommodate others, even when interacting with your mother. What factors contribute to this decision?
Lin'er posits that the following points may be relevant:
1. Your mother did not meet or fully meet your reasonable wishes and needs during infancy, which resulted in a profound sense of insecurity and fear of a relationship breakdown. Once the relationship deteriorated, your mother, the primary source of financial support, chose to disengage, leaving you without a source of vital sustenance. Your father is never mentioned in the text. What kind of person was he?
Has he provided you with material and emotional support?
2. What was the nature of your mother's relationship with your father? In general, if the father is unable to provide sufficient material and emotional support to the mother, it is probable that she will direct her anger towards her children.
Did your mother direct her anger and dissatisfaction with your father towards you, who were once a young child? It is a basic human instinct to bully the weak and fear the strong. In this case, your mother was effectively bullying you.
Is that the case?
3. With whom do you feel a sense of comfort and ease? It is reasonable to assume that there is at least one individual with whom you can establish a positive and mutually respectful relationship.
What is the sensation of feeling at ease with another individual? Is this experience observed with grandparents, parents, or other family members?
One might inquire as to the source of one's feelings of warmth. If one has a tendency to suppress oneself in the presence of others, then Lin Er posits that one's childhood was marked by significant trauma.
Do you recall the source of this trauma? Was it inflicted by your mother or another individual?
It is reasonable to posit that all individuals have experienced traumatic events at the hands of their parents during their formative years. Consequently, it is beneficial to engage in discourse with individuals of a similar age group, many of whom have endured similar experiences of reprimand and physical abuse at the hands of their parents.
"It is likely that this has become a habit. Indeed, I began to address these issues in this manner before I was old enough to attend school."
It is evident that there are issues with your interpersonal relationship patterns. Once these patterns are identified, they can be addressed. When more individuals are aware of your emotional awareness, the problem will be resolved to a certain extent. The process of reaching the platform of Yi Xinli to clearly describe your feelings is, in fact, a healing process. You are already taking the initial steps to release yourself from these patterns. Take your time, gradually unravel the mystery, and you will gain clarity. Believe in yourself, and with time, you will succeed.
"Now my mother still treats me like this. Although I desire a change, I am unable to identify an alternative method of coping. I suppress my emotions while undertaking tasks, and I experience a sense of impending collapse. However, even when I am in a negative emotional state, I am compelled to persevere. I am unable to express my distress through tears. Attempting other forms of distraction is ineffective. The more I engage in these activities, the more irritated I become.
I even harbored resentment toward my mother, longing for her absence.
From this paragraph, several layers of meaning can be discerned, which may be regarded as mere aspirations.
1. The desire to alter one's mother's attitude towards them is understandable. However, it is important to recognise that nobody can change another person's attitude; only we can change our own. The capacity of humans to influence others is limited; we cannot change others.
The question thus arises as to how we might effect changes in ourselves in order to bring about changes in others in accordance with our desired outcomes. In order to do so, it is necessary to enhance our capacity for influence.
It would be beneficial to ascertain whether you are sleeping adequately. If you are nourishing your body with food and drink, allowing your body to rest, and maintaining regular bowel movements, yet experiencing a degree of emotional distress, there is no cause for concern. There are numerous techniques that can be employed to promote relaxation.
For example, writing about oneself can facilitate the expression of emotions and potentially alleviate depressive symptoms.
2. When an individual is unable to express themselves or even cry, they have effectively engaged a psychological defense mechanism, indicating that they have selected the response mechanism that is most beneficial to them. The act of complying with the expectations of one's mother or other authority figures without verbalizing one's feelings can potentially reduce internal conflicts.
Lin'er would like to inquire whether you consider yourself to be a timid individual and whether you perceive a tendency towards timidity in yourself.
A deficiency in the "courage quotient" may impair one's capacity to express anger in a reasonable manner. What strategies might be employed to foster greater courage?
Lin'er does not elaborate further on this point, but it is likely that further information can be found through online research. When a problem is identified, it can be considered to be halfway resolved.
Lin'er's objective is to prompt the individual to engage in profound and fundamental reflection and inquiry, enabling a clear understanding of their genuine intentions, needs, and the means to fulfill them.
3. You experience intense emotional distress and direct blame towards your mother, even fantasising about her demise. It is a common phenomenon for individuals who have undergone adolescent rebellion to harbour negative sentiments towards their mothers.
Mothers and children are naturally bonded, akin to a "spiritual umbilical cord," which can impede the child's autonomy and self-expression. The desire for independence and the capacity to express oneself boldly are intrinsic human needs. However, the challenge lies in reconciling these desires with the reality that the mountain cannot be overthrown in a single lifetime. Instead, it can be circumvented through strategic navigation.
The optimal solution is to maintain a certain distance and establish a mental boundary.
The question then becomes: How do I establish my psychological boundaries? There are only three categories of concern in this world: one's own affairs, the affairs of others, and the affairs of God.
It is only possible to attend to one's own affairs. What are the tasks that your mother wishes you to perform?
As the matter is not described here, Lin'er is unable to ascertain your opinion. Do you disapprove of your mother's attitude? There is no objective standard by which to judge the appropriateness of actions.
Does her assertive demeanor elicit discomfort? The strategy of "using gentleness to overcome strength" is a viable approach. It would be beneficial to adopt a more conciliatory stance, relax, and assume a less dominant position vis-à-vis your mother. Treating her as an equal is crucial, given that she is the one who gave you life. However, it is essential to recognize that your mother's opinions and directives are not to be regarded as absolute commands. You have the prerogative to either accept or decline her requests. Expressing your disagreement in a measured and respectful manner is crucial.
Lin'er is attempting to clarify your intentions, with the hope that your intelligence will enable you to assist yourself.
The adage "God helps those who help themselves" is a fitting conclusion to this discussion. I extend my best wishes to you for success in your endeavors.
Comments
I understand how you feel, it's really tough to be in such a situation where expressing yourself leads to more criticism. It seems like the only safe option has been to stay silent and comply, even though it weighs heavily on your heart. Over the years, this silence has turned into a coping mechanism. You've been holding everything inside for so long that it's become second nature, yet it doesn't make the burden any lighter.
It's heartbreaking to carry all these feelings of resentment and frustration without an outlet. I can see that you're struggling with wanting to change but feeling stuck because enduring has been your only defense. The buildup of negative emotions is taking its toll on you, and it's clear that you're reaching a point where you need a different approach. Maybe it's time to think about finding a way to communicate your feelings safely or seek support from someone outside this dynamic.
Feeling trapped between wanting to avoid conflict and needing to express your true self must be incredibly exhausting. It sounds like you've developed a deepseated fear of confrontation due to your mother's reactions. Despite the pain and anger you feel towards her, it's important to remember that you deserve to have your voice heard and your feelings validated. Perhaps now is the moment to consider healthier ways to deal with these emotions, whether through talking to a trusted friend, seeking professional help, or finding creative outlets for expression.