I always hold back my anger, and I feel depressed. How can I reasonably vent it?

How might she express her feelings in a way that is both constructive and respectful?

It would be greatly appreciated if you could spare a moment to read this, as it is quite lengthy. I would like to share my thoughts with you, as I feel they may be of benefit to you. I hope you will find them helpful.

Due to my mother's consistent requests for obedience, particularly when she asks me to do something, I have learned to comply. However, if I express my thoughts or emotions during the process, such as indicating a lack of desire to do something or experiencing frustration or injustice, she tends to respond with increased intensity. Additionally, she does not allow me to express my emotions through tears.

I myself have already developed negative emotions, and I don't want to exacerbate them. In the days that followed, whenever she asked me to do something, I would do it without saying a word. However, my emotions were negative, and I was reluctant. I felt that I had no choice but to endure and hold everything inside. I feel oppressed and suffocated, but for more than ten years, no matter who annoys me, I have always acted in this way.

It's possible that this has become a habit. I began dealing with these issues in this way when I was too young to attend school.

My mother still treats me this way. I would like to change, but I am unsure of how to go about it. I feel like I am on the brink of collapse, but I know that I must persevere. I cannot even cry. I have tried doing other things to distract myself, but it has not helped. I even find myself blaming my mother. I hope that I never have to see her again.

Hello, question asker.

Given that we don't have a choice in choosing our parents, it would be beneficial for us to first find a way to get along with them that allows us to survive, which is also the way that is best for us. It seems that the questioner's mother has a strong desire for control and does not tolerate rebuttal.

The questioner feels that there is limited space for her at home. She has to manage her emotions and needs in a way that is respectful to her mother.

It seems that everything is based on her demands. On the one hand, she wants to satisfy her mother's desire for control, but on the other hand, she resists this control.

The questioner is experiencing a range of intense emotions, including anger, suppression, and a sense of injustice. There is a lack of outlets for expressing these feelings, and expressing them could potentially lead to further suppression. The questioner may initially give up on expressing their anger, but it persists within them, accumulating and becoming more deeply buried.

This is why the questioner said that although he was sad, he felt he couldn't allow himself to cry. Crying can sometimes feel like a form of resistance.

In the family system, the way the questioner interacts with his mother is likely to influence his interactions with others in society. It's understandable that the questioner has only learned this one way of getting along.

If you're interested in making a change, it might be helpful to take a moment to identify what you're hoping to achieve by acting in this way. It's worth asking yourself: do you still need to respond in this way in reality?

The questioner has grown up. Could it be that your behavior is a defense mechanism that you have to use to protect yourself and survive? Would it be accurate to say that the current problems are as dangerous as they were back then?

For instance, in the past, the questioner would often be reprimanded by her mother for not doing her homework. She believed that if she didn't complete her homework, her grades would suffer, she would be perceived as a less desirable child, her mother would no longer approve of her, and if she was no longer liked, she would be abandoned and would no longer have a mother or a home.

It would be wise to heed your mother's advice. If you don't complete your work and are scolded by your boss, it doesn't necessarily mean you're not a good employee, that your boss won't like you, or that you'll lose your job and have no food to eat.

I would venture to say that the answer is a resounding "no." We have the option to explain, to engage in a discussion, and even to terminate the employment relationship.

The boss is not the same as the mother, and the questioner has also grown up. This shift in perspective allows the questioner to recognize that they are not the same weak self inside, but rather a stronger individual capable of navigating real-life events in a more effective manner.

For instance, they may learn to express their thoughts, needs, and refusals.

I hope this brief response is of some assistance to you. I would like to extend my congratulations to you.

Hello, question asker!

From what you've told me, it seems like your mom has always expected you to obey her. When she asks you to do something, if you feel reluctant, angry, or resentful, she'll scold you even more and tell you not to cry!

"Especially when she asks me to do something." It can be really tough when your mom asks you to do something and you feel like you don't have a choice. In everyday life, you are allowed to have your own ideas and act freely, but when your mom thinks something needs to be done, you are not allowed to refuse or resist.

"I already have negative emotions and don't want to intensify them, so in the future, whenever she asks me to do something, I will do it without saying a word. But my emotions are negative, I am reluctant, but the only choice is to endure and hold everything inside."; we all know how it goes when your mother asks you to do something you don't want to do. You want to refuse, which produces negative emotions.

You can either keep on rebelling, which might make you feel even more angry and frustrated, or you can try to keep a lid on your feelings until you've built up so much stress that you can't hold it all in any more.

"I've tried distracting myself with other things, but it doesn't really help. The more I do it, the more annoyed I get. I even keep blaming my mom in my heart, wishing I could never see her again."

You try to deal with your negative emotions by distracting yourself, but they still remain. I can see how this habit is troubling you.

Hey there! I just wanted to check in and see what your mom asked you to do.

I'd love to know what the intention behind these things is.

I'd love to know why you don't do them.

It seems like these issues might be missing from your description, which focuses on emotions and free will. They're really important to you, but you don't often talk about reason and fairness.

It seems like you're facing a bit of a dilemma. You have two options: explode or suppress your emotions. It's like you're either rebelling or submitting. It would be great if you could find a way to balance, sort, and mediate your emotions.

It's clear to see that you want to change the situation!

When your mum asks you to do something, she does so in a very commanding way, with explosive emotions. It can be hard for her to accept your resistance, and it seems like she rarely asks you why you don't like doing it or why you're angry.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this event!

I know it can be tough, but I'm here to help! When you feel overwhelmed, try shifting your focus to the nature of the problem at hand. Then, describe the situation in a clear, objective way. This can help you feel more in control and less overwhelmed.

Then, I'd love for you to try to see what positive emotional footholds there are from different perspectives of the matter.

Wishing you all the best!

My dear, I've read your heart-wrenching confession and I know how you're suffering. Your mother didn't teach you how to express your emotions properly, so you've always been a goody-goody. Now you don't know how to release your emotions in a reasonable way, and it's especially hard for you. I give you a big hug and let's explore this together!

1. How to make sense of and let go of negative emotions

It's totally normal to have negative emotions, and there will be times when you just don't want to do anything. When negative emotions come up, just observe them and feel the changes they bring to you. Letting them flow through your body without judgment is actually a way of catharsis. We can call it emotional awareness. This may be a bit difficult at first, but if you get used to holding it in, you may find this approach really helpful.

Another great way to let off steam is to go to the gym. The dopamine from exercise is really helpful for regulating your emotions. If that doesn't work for you, you can write down your grievances, sadness, and anger on paper and then tear it up or burn it (but be careful!). Another wonderful way to express your emotions is through mandala painting. If you're interested, you can buy a copy of "The Secret Garden" and color it in.

There are so many ways to let your emotions out, but the fastest way is to find a place to cry. It'll feel so good to let it all out!

2. It's okay to feel angry with your mother. We all have moments where we want to lash out at our loved ones. But try to remember that she's only human, and she's doing her best.

It's also true that being a mother has its own set of challenges. She might be a first-time mom and not have had the chance to learn all the tricks of the trade. And her generation might have had a different idea of what it means to be a good mom. They might have liked their kids to be more obedient, but they didn't realize that sometimes, that can suppress a child's natural character.

Given that she may really be a novice mother, it's okay to forgive her! You'll feel better mentally in the future, I promise.

And you know what? We are all capable of self-repair after growing up. It might be a little painful in the middle, but with slow and steady effort, things will change.

I hope this is helpful for you! Thanks so much for reading.

It is recommended that the original poster be given a hug. It is very difficult to hold anger and repressed emotions inside, as it makes it impossible to see things clearly. The individual may hold their breath no matter what they do and cannot let go.

It is evident that the original poster possesses a clear and articulate mind, expressing his questions with remarkable clarity. It is now Lin'er's task to delve deeper into the original poster's true meaning, with the hope that a few carefully chosen words will provide the original poster with a degree of emotional respite.

"Given that my mother has consistently demanded my compliance, particularly when she requests my assistance, I am expected to comply. If I express my preferences, indicating that I am unwilling to comply, she will admonish me. If I express my emotions when she admonishes me, such as anger or injustice, she will admonish me even more severely and will not permit me to express my distress through tears."

The original poster's description evinces three levels of meaning.

1. From an early age, your mother has consistently expected your compliance and exerted control over your actions. Traditionally, children were socialized to adhere to authority and exhibit conformity. However, this approach often leads to discontent as it restricts their capacity for self-expression.

2. Among the tasks assigned by the mother, there were several that the child was reluctant to perform. The age of the original poster is unclear.

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether the subjects were in adolescence or post-adolescence. During this developmental period, children often exhibit a tendency to resist their parents' directives and seek respect from adults. In the absence of this, some may choose to openly rebel, while others may resort to suppressing their rebellious sentiments.

The question thus arises as to why some children are unable to rebel directly and achieve self-coherence. This question is addressed in point 3.

3. When you expressed your unwillingness, you were scolded by your mother and were not permitted to express your emotions. Here, Lin'er seeks to ascertain the nature of your grandparents.

What deficiencies did your mother's upbringing exhibit? Did you empathize with her suffering?

It is possible to choose to be understanding of one's mother's inappropriate behavior. It may be the case that she also has a wounded inner child that needs healing, and that she sees the child as part of her inner parent. In this way, she may use the child to soothe her terrible emotions.

Parents may also exhibit childlike behavior in front of their children. Lin'er's father is similarly dominant, and Lin'er now treats him in a similar manner, tolerating his emotional outbursts and irrationality.

"Furthermore, I had already developed negative emotions, and I was reluctant to exacerbate them. Therefore, in the days that followed, whenever she asked me to do something, I would comply without saying a word. However, my emotions were negative, and I was reluctant, yet I was forced to endure and hold everything inside. I felt oppressed and suffocated, but for more than ten years, regardless of who made me angry, I would react in this way."

Your account actually serves to reinforce the preceding one. You appear to be seeking recognition of your repressed anger from those on this psychological forum. Once emotions are observed, there is no longer any question of whether they are positive or negative; their existence is validated.

Lin'er, you have elected to suppress your authentic emotions and instead accommodate others, even when interacting with your mother. What factors contribute to this decision?

Lin'er posits that the following points may be relevant:

1. Your mother did not meet or fully meet your reasonable wishes and needs during infancy, which resulted in a profound sense of insecurity and fear of a relationship breakdown. Once the relationship deteriorated, your mother, the primary source of financial support, chose to disengage, leaving you without a source of vital sustenance. Your father is never mentioned in the text. What kind of person was he?

Has he provided you with material and emotional support?

2. What was the nature of your mother's relationship with your father? In general, if the father is unable to provide sufficient material and emotional support to the mother, it is probable that she will direct her anger towards her children.

Did your mother direct her anger and dissatisfaction with your father towards you, who were once a young child? It is a basic human instinct to bully the weak and fear the strong. In this case, your mother was effectively bullying you.

Is that the case?

3. With whom do you feel a sense of comfort and ease? It is reasonable to assume that there is at least one individual with whom you can establish a positive and mutually respectful relationship.

What is the sensation of feeling at ease with another individual? Is this experience observed with grandparents, parents, or other family members?

One might inquire as to the source of one's feelings of warmth. If one has a tendency to suppress oneself in the presence of others, then Lin Er posits that one's childhood was marked by significant trauma.

Do you recall the source of this trauma? Was it inflicted by your mother or another individual?

It is reasonable to posit that all individuals have experienced traumatic events at the hands of their parents during their formative years. Consequently, it is beneficial to engage in discourse with individuals of a similar age group, many of whom have endured similar experiences of reprimand and physical abuse at the hands of their parents.

"It is likely that this has become a habit. Indeed, I began to address these issues in this manner before I was old enough to attend school."

It is evident that there are issues with your interpersonal relationship patterns. Once these patterns are identified, they can be addressed. When more individuals are aware of your emotional awareness, the problem will be resolved to a certain extent. The process of reaching the platform of Yi Xinli to clearly describe your feelings is, in fact, a healing process. You are already taking the initial steps to release yourself from these patterns. Take your time, gradually unravel the mystery, and you will gain clarity. Believe in yourself, and with time, you will succeed.

"Now my mother still treats me like this. Although I desire a change, I am unable to identify an alternative method of coping. I suppress my emotions while undertaking tasks, and I experience a sense of impending collapse. However, even when I am in a negative emotional state, I am compelled to persevere. I am unable to express my distress through tears. Attempting other forms of distraction is ineffective. The more I engage in these activities, the more irritated I become.

I even harbored resentment toward my mother, longing for her absence.

From this paragraph, several layers of meaning can be discerned, which may be regarded as mere aspirations.

1. The desire to alter one's mother's attitude towards them is understandable. However, it is important to recognise that nobody can change another person's attitude; only we can change our own. The capacity of humans to influence others is limited; we cannot change others.

The question thus arises as to how we might effect changes in ourselves in order to bring about changes in others in accordance with our desired outcomes. In order to do so, it is necessary to enhance our capacity for influence.

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether you are sleeping adequately. If you are nourishing your body with food and drink, allowing your body to rest, and maintaining regular bowel movements, yet experiencing a degree of emotional distress, there is no cause for concern. There are numerous techniques that can be employed to promote relaxation.

For example, writing about oneself can facilitate the expression of emotions and potentially alleviate depressive symptoms.

2. When an individual is unable to express themselves or even cry, they have effectively engaged a psychological defense mechanism, indicating that they have selected the response mechanism that is most beneficial to them. The act of complying with the expectations of one's mother or other authority figures without verbalizing one's feelings can potentially reduce internal conflicts.

Lin'er would like to inquire whether you consider yourself to be a timid individual and whether you perceive a tendency towards timidity in yourself.

A deficiency in the "courage quotient" may impair one's capacity to express anger in a reasonable manner. What strategies might be employed to foster greater courage?

Lin'er does not elaborate further on this point, but it is likely that further information can be found through online research. When a problem is identified, it can be considered to be halfway resolved.

Lin'er's objective is to prompt the individual to engage in profound and fundamental reflection and inquiry, enabling a clear understanding of their genuine intentions, needs, and the means to fulfill them.

3. You experience intense emotional distress and direct blame towards your mother, even fantasising about her demise. It is a common phenomenon for individuals who have undergone adolescent rebellion to harbour negative sentiments towards their mothers.

Mothers and children are naturally bonded, akin to a "spiritual umbilical cord," which can impede the child's autonomy and self-expression. The desire for independence and the capacity to express oneself boldly are intrinsic human needs. However, the challenge lies in reconciling these desires with the reality that the mountain cannot be overthrown in a single lifetime. Instead, it can be circumvented through strategic navigation.

The optimal solution is to maintain a certain distance and establish a mental boundary.

The question then becomes: How do I establish my psychological boundaries? There are only three categories of concern in this world: one's own affairs, the affairs of others, and the affairs of God.

It is only possible to attend to one's own affairs. What are the tasks that your mother wishes you to perform?

As the matter is not described here, Lin'er is unable to ascertain your opinion. Do you disapprove of your mother's attitude? There is no objective standard by which to judge the appropriateness of actions.

Does her assertive demeanor elicit discomfort? The strategy of "using gentleness to overcome strength" is a viable approach. It would be beneficial to adopt a more conciliatory stance, relax, and assume a less dominant position vis-à-vis your mother. Treating her as an equal is crucial, given that she is the one who gave you life. However, it is essential to recognize that your mother's opinions and directives are not to be regarded as absolute commands. You have the prerogative to either accept or decline her requests. Expressing your disagreement in a measured and respectful manner is crucial.

Lin'er is attempting to clarify your intentions, with the hope that your intelligence will enable you to assist yourself.

The adage "God helps those who help themselves" is a fitting conclusion to this discussion. I extend my best wishes to you for success in your endeavors.

Everyone is a beacon, whether asking questions or answering them. Through words, we can illuminate the hearts of more people, and this is a power that belongs to us all.

Hello, dear child. I am the heart coach Flying. I can feel your pent-up anger, and I know it's hurting you.

You feel helpless because you've had to face your mother's weakness. You've learned to endure (or even evade) her.

Let's hug and figure this out together.

1. "The Bond of Maternal Love"

Maternal love is great, but it can become toxic if it's used to satisfy the mother's own narcissism.

Many parents, under the guise of loving their children, are actually doing things that hurt them. This is not their intention. They simply don't know what love is or how to truly love their children.

Your mother has always demanded that you "obey" her, and she undoubtedly loves you. You can get protection from her by obeying her.

Parents can't be with you forever, and they can't make sure they're always right. You're learning to grow up, and they need to learn too. They need to meet your needs as you grow.

If they don't, then parents who demand that their children always "obey" are actually depriving them of their independence. This kind of love is full of "control."

Love is about trusting and respecting your child and letting them be themselves and do things on their own, as long as they are safe and their character is not at stake. "Control," on the other hand, is wanting the other person to do things according to your will, as if you were manipulating a puppet.

2. Grow.

We must break free from the shackles of motherly love. We cannot hope for our parents to grow up; we can only continue to grow ourselves. Compared to your parents, you have more opportunities and platforms to learn, as well as more learning and thinking power.

"Fly Like a Bird to Your Mountain" is the story of Tara herself. She endured the control of her family and her father until she was 15, but in the next 10 years, she grew through her studies and gained her own beautiful life.

We can't change the past, but we can change the way we think about it. Be brave. Take back your initiative. Take back your right to choose. And own your life.

You need to study, broaden your horizons, open your mind, and upgrade your cognitive thinking.

As you said, spending a long time with your mother has made you develop patience. What I see is more of a passive, negative, and pessimistic state, seeing depression and escape.

You teach people how to treat you. The way you interact with others produces results. If you are passively accepting and silently complaining under your mother's strong control, you are allowing her to control you. This will make your life more painful and depressing.

We can't change others, but we can change ourselves. When we make changes, the other person has to make changes to adapt to us. Show your mother your bravery, confidence, determination, and independence so she can feel at ease with you and be at peace.

3. Reclaim your parents.

Parents are parents, but they are not perfect. Accept their imperfections and remember that their actions are not always in line with their good intentions.

Mommy loves you, but I don't know how to love you the way you want to be loved.

Everyone has to learn life lessons. Your relationship with your mother is a great place to start. It's a chance to see your patterns and the way you interact with others. Stay aware, and you'll have more choices and freedom. This is your own personal lesson. Find it and complete it with all your heart.

Have an honest heart-to-heart with your mother, or even write her a letter. She is your mother, and you need to respect her, but remember that parents and children are equal.

Express your views and feelings with emotion, and tell your mother what you need and what you think she can do to help.

When love flows, emotions are smooth, and you agree on a solution. Dear child, your life has just begun. This is a challenge for your loved ones and for future interactions with people in society.

Start changing now. Establish new patterns. Live your life again.

I am confident that the above will be helpful to you, and to the world. I love you.

If you want to continue communicating, click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom. I will communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

Hello, questioner. I hope you're well.

From what you've told me, it's clear you're going through a rough patch. It seems like you've sealed off your emotions from those closest to you, and all those pent-up feelings are building up inside you. I urge you to give yourself a hug and listen to yourself when you have the chance.

Emotions have three possible destinations: suppression, expression, and release.

Everyone is like a jar, a container. Suppression is fine, but the invisible pain, anger, and hopelessness will consume you in their own way. It will either crack, break, and become fragile—the container will no longer hold—or it will be seen and healed. It will either manifest as dreams or manifest as something else.

Suppressing emotions is like plugging a hole, but it is not a permanent solution. Pain is a sign that something is wrong.

When you see your emotions, they can flow freely. Allow them to go. This is how you vent in a reasonable way.

See, express, and release. This is the basic method.

Seeing is awareness.

Emotions are neither good nor bad. They are called negative because people think they are bad and see them as an alarm that hurts you. In fact, emotions are an opportunity to become aware of oneself and a way to see one's own shortcomings.

Psychologists call this "holding," which means allowing and giving your emotions space to be there. If you are aware of it, it will not hurt you because it is just a feeling. All emotions serve the sense of control and security, and there must be something that has broken your comfortable state before we have these emotions.

Here's a thought to get you started. Use your feelings, not your thoughts. If you feel annoyed, identify what's annoying you. It's likely anger, disgusted, resentment, or hatred.

Anger is a subtle form of attack. I am dissatisfied with my mother. I hate her and the way she suppressed me. I feel my self has been deprived and weakened. I feel out of control and no longer safe. You are expressing this even though you are not expressing it.

2. Expression

Express your emotions. How can you express them without emotions? It's impossible to do so. If I can express my anger mildly, then my anger is suppressed. If I have no anger, I don't need to express my anger because I have no anger. This may contradict some views, but it's my opinion.

Yelling back is a way to deal with anger that has been rejected by the original poster because it will attract more anger. You seem to be expressing yourself without actually doing so, as mentioned above.

You must choose to let that anger go. If you don't, it will only be expressed. If you don't attack the other person, you will attack yourself. Sublimation is a useful tool.

Transform your aggression towards your mother into a conquest of your studies and career. This is a transformation of aggression, a replacement of the object.

For example, if you don't blame your mother openly, but in your heart, that is a displacement of the carrier. You can draw it out and write it out (create it)—this is also sublimation.

3. Release

Once you've achieved the first step (awareness), you can say goodbye to it. You've created the space for it to flow, so you can let it go effortlessly. Don't distract yourself by doing something else. That's a form of repression. It's the difference between attention and expression/sublimation.

If you cover one emotion with another, the original emotion will not go away.

In summary,

It is important to understand that releasing and expressing are not the same thing. Expressing is the beginning of releasing, but releasing does not necessarily require the involvement of expression.

Express yourself better by rising above it.

I don't know if I've made myself clear. If there are any points you're unsure about, let me know. We can discuss them together.

It's not easy to face your emotions. It's easy to see them, but if they're intense, you'll constantly see the pain of the underlying self. Not everyone is willing to look at their wounds and look at their emotions. They'll hold on for dear life, afraid to let it go, because they'll eventually get used to these emotions—they'll have a false sense of security.

Let me be clear: this is the beginning of your growth.

When you grow up, you have more power, and you don't have to give up your right to express yourself in front of anyone.

With love,