I don't know if it's because of my family's experiences, but I'm afraid of owing people favors and am determined not to owe anyone a favor.

Hello, my dear friend. It's clear from what you've shared that you've had a tough journey. Even though you're now an adult, the wounds from your childhood will always be there. But, no matter what, we must try to live our best lives. After all, we only have one life, and we must love it.

It doesn't matter what our family background is, we all have to live our own lives and face reality bravely. I can tell you really want to be recognized by others, so you study hard and want to be the ideal, well-behaved child in your parents' eyes. At the same time, because you didn't get enough parental love during your growth, you are extremely sensitive and always worry that you are not doing enough.

This kind of upbringing can leave you feeling a bit unloved inside, so you always hope to gain recognition from the outside world. It's only natural to want other people's recognition to prove the value of your existence and show the meaning of your own existence.

The environment you grew up in has made you accustomed to always thinking about others and being afraid that others will be hurt. It's totally understandable! We all worry about that sometimes. But you know, you shouldn't be afraid of owing people favors.

I totally get it. I know you're afraid that you can't repay the favor, and you want to escape. Have you heard the saying, "People owe each other favors"?

What this means is that we all have a debt of gratitude to repay to each other.

My advice is to first learn to accept yourself, your desires, and your opinions. You are worthy of love and respect. Second, accept the influence of your original family, but don't dwell on it.

And finally, learn to let go, work hard to manage your own life, live in the present, enjoy the moment, and find a direction that suits your own development. You've got this!

I wish you all the courage in the world to be your true self and live the life that is truly yours!

Hello, dear.

It's clear that you didn't get a warm welcome from your parents when you were added to the family. As a small child, you probably felt the fear of being abandoned from time to time.

This unpopular you becomes the most obedient child, silently bearing the heaviest sense of indebtedness to the family. It may seem like a contradiction, but it is not.

From an early age, you felt you could be sent away at any time. This instilled a deep sense of insecurity and fear. You paid more attention to the outside world, hoping to gain external attention through good behavior. This would take you away from the insecurity, loneliness, and fear of being abandoned at any time. You and your mother were closely united.

Obey your mother, take her side, and rebel against your father.

Your mother has caused you a great deal of harm despite the close relationship you have with her. What she has done for you is heavy and paid for.

You must bear your mother's pain, her emotions, and even her miserable life.

By accepting your mother's meager financial support, you are allowing her to control your life. Her support is a heavy yoke that instills a deep sense of guilt and indebtedness in you.

When facing your mother, you must obey, not have your own will in life, and bear the misfortune of your mother's life.

The feeling of indebtedness is excruciating. It's likely your mother didn't want to feel indebted to you. By giving to you and complaining, she made you the one who owed her. This way, she avoided feeling indebted to her daughter.

Past experiences intrude into the present.

If you experience human relationships as being deeply hurtful, burdensome, and indebted, and if you subconsciously feel fear and immense pressure when you enter into new relationships as an adult, you may feel like you want to give something back immediately or cut the relationship off. This is a natural reaction, and you have every right to feel this way.

You must break off ties to protect yourself from being swallowed up by the strangeness of human relationships. The person you want to break off ties with is your mother, not the real human relationships.

You have projected your mother's experiences onto new relationships, creating an inescapable cycle of indebtedness.

This cycle of indebtedness is within you. You were born unloved and unaccepted. Your mother instilled a sense of indebtedness in you, which has led you to believe that your life is wrong, unloved, and indebted to others.

You are not to blame for feeling this way. It is simply too heavy and painful to live with these feelings and beliefs. They are like chains that bind you and prevent you from being free.

See the irrelevance of history and the present. Don't let the past define the present and the future.

You must see through the falseness of these feelings and thoughts to gain your freedom.

You were not welcomed at birth, but that is not your fault.

Every life is valuable and has a mission, just like every seed in nature has its own mission to grow. Your parents' lack of welcome for you has led you to believe that your life is a mistake.

This feeling is an illusion caused by other people's reactions. It is not the truth. The mistake lies in the reaction of your parents. You came to this world as a life, and you are not at fault, nor are you a problem.

Your mother's devotion to raising you is not your fault. It has become a yoke that ties you down and increases your sense of guilt. As a child, you were unable to distinguish between right and wrong, unable to survive on your own, and could only cling to your mother and bear it all.

This is the right choice for children.

Now you can discern whether the feelings and beliefs you have are yours or were instilled by your parents. Are you willing to let go of these beliefs and devote yourself fully to a new relationship? Experience the love of others in your own way, give your own love, and have a new kind of relationship with clear boundaries and no control, one that contains sincerity and love.

In your new, real relationships, you will see the falseness of those past experiences more clearly and let go of the heavy feelings of burden and indebtedness. Real human relationships are pure, clean, and kind. They are based on mutual help and purpose. You are a participant in these relationships, not a passive sufferer.

You choose which relationships to cultivate and which to avoid. Most importantly, you decide what kind of relationships you want to cultivate and create.

Your life is free, and you owe it to no one. Start recreating your life experiences now.

The shadow will try to envelop you, but you can recognize it and choose to act according to your inner voice.

I hope this helps. I'm listening, therapist Xu Yanlian. I'm here to help.

Wishing you the best.

Hi, I'm Coach Yu, a heart exploration coach, and I'd like to talk about this topic with you.

There are people in our lives who are reluctant to owe others. When others help them, they want to repay the favor as soon as possible. They feel uneasy when they feel that they owe others.

As the questioner wrote, I'm not sure if it was caused by family experiences, but I'm afraid of owing people favors. Once I owe someone a favor, I have to repay it, and if the other person doesn't want it, we'll break off our friendship.

It could also be a fear of forming relationships. If our childhood and teenage years were marked by insecurities, negative experiences and a lack of trust, and we've carried these into adulthood, we may find it difficult to form connections with others.

These experiences often stick with us until we grow up. They can affect our relationships with others in various ways, making us feel insecure and like there's a lack of trust and hostility in our personal and professional lives.

Our feelings about relationships are often influenced by our internal feelings about ourselves and others. For example, if we feel that there are many things about ourselves that are not good enough, or even that we are bad in many ways, we will worry that other people just don't like us and hate us.

Or when we feel angry or enraged at others, when we have a lot of emotions, we can easily feel nervous, worried about being seen by others, or even worried that others will find out and retaliate, punish or attack us as a result. At this time, we often feel that the relationships around us are not safe, and even full of hostility. When we don't let ourselves feel and express these emotions, we will feel anxious and restless.

As the questioner wrote, the parents favored the male children and neglected the daughter during her upbringing. She was also involved in the conflicts between her parents.

It might be a complex of inferiority. As the great Adler said, everyone has a sense of inferiority.

We all want to be better and live a better life. When we make unconscious comparisons that make us feel inferior, it can lead to negative emotions and a negative self-image.

If we don't let go of negative emotions, they'll drag our self-esteem down. We'll pay more attention to what others say and focus on our flaws. We might even stop seeing our own worth. This can lead to a state of mind where thoughts, feelings, and actions are all mixed up. As the original poster said, I felt like my parents didn't expect me from the start. I already had two brothers and a sister, and when I was young, someone came to take me.

Our childhood experiences might have led us to develop a sense of arrogance, thinking that we owe others a debt and are inferior to them. This can result in us being unwilling to show superiority in front of others, and in turn, we'll never allow others to show superiority in front of us.

It felt like the help we got from others was a way of saying we were inferior to them. As the original poster wrote, I had a heavy psychological burden during my school years.

We can try to be aware of it and ask ourselves: What are we afraid of doing for someone else? What are we anxious about?

What were the feelings and thoughts that came up?

What kind of scene is the farthest thing from your mind? What were you like at the time?

At this point, we can also try to be aware of it and ask ourselves, what is it about not wanting to owe people a favor that we fear? And what is it about cutting off contact with the other person that we want?

However, awareness is the first step to making a change. We need to recognize that we are gradually growing up and have the ability to choose our own lives.

We also need to remember that we must have been scared and upset at the time.

So, we can try to get to know our emotions better. When we feel afraid, we can say "stop" in time, take a deep breath, and watch our thoughts without judging them. We can also try writing therapy, writing and drawing out our worries and fears, so that our emotions can find an outlet and be released.

Another option is to use an empty chair to create a safe, controlled environment for role-playing and self-dialogue. This can help you connect past events with your current state of mind and allow chaotic thoughts to be integrated consciously, which can help release negative emotions.

We can also find a good time to chat with our parents. We don't need to hold them accountable. We can just ask them about their childhood and what they want for us. We can also ask them what we can do for them. Good communication can help us release pent-up emotions and understand our parents and ourselves better.

If this is an issue for you, it's worth seeking help. Find a family member or friend you trust and who has always given you positive support to talk to. If you feel the need, you can also find a counselor. It's important to confront the shadow within and accept it before habitual negative thoughts slowly disappear.

Every day, we can use mindfulness meditation to regulate our emotions. We can also enrich ourselves internally through reading and strengthen ourselves through exercise.

In short, psychology says that seeing is healing. The more contact you have with real people, the more you enjoy real life, and the more you establish a stable self-evaluation system, the better you'll feel.

I'd suggest reading "Fearless Anxiety."

Hello. From your account, it appears that the fear of owing people a favor is closely tied to your experiences in your family of origin.

You mentioned a knot in your heart, stating, "My parents probably really don't love me." You indicated that you are reluctant to admit or accept this, which may reflect a long-standing desire to prove to your parents that they love you or a subconscious tendency to be suspicious and cautious in trying to gain their love.

The fear of being a burden is rooted in the fear of causing trouble for others, dependency, and the close relationships that are based on it. This fear is often the result of a lack of security and the subsequent inability to form the belief that "others like me" and "I am lovable."

Every child desires to be the precious infant their parents expect them to be and to receive unconditional love and attention. However, your birth and upbringing led you to believe that you were not expected or needed. The feeling that there were people out there who wanted to take you away is a significant source of distress, even if you are not aware of it for many years.

This indicates a fear of abandonment, which is an instinctive response. You mentioned that you were an exceptionally well-behaved child. By avoiding any misbehavior that might displease your parents, you were able to avoid any potential for being disliked or abandoned. This is a rather unfortunate situation. If you cannot rely on your parents, who should be a source of stability, it becomes even more challenging to establish trust in other individuals.

Furthermore, the father's alienation and neglect, and the mother's complaining and blaming, have become emotional impediments. There is a lack of support from the father, or support is provided but the mother attributes her own suffering to you. Coupled with the constant emphasis on "sacrifice" by your siblings, it is inevitable that you feel in such a relationship that human relationships are conditional and come at a price. You may have to carry an emotional burden that is difficult to escape. As a result, you no longer feel comfortable offering favours to others and want to avoid the feeling of possible indebtedness.

You have indicated that you are pursuing studies in psychology, which will undoubtedly prove beneficial in your efforts to overcome psychological distress. Alternatively, you may wish to consider counseling as a means of more systematically addressing past traumas, gaining a deeper understanding of the impact of old experiences on current emotions and behaviors, and rebuilding new self-knowledge and interpersonal patterns.

Concurrently, you can gradually enhance your sense of security through the formation of new relationships and the establishment of more positive and secure relationships (such as intimate relationships). You will observe a growth in your sense of self and an increase in your energy and capability to build strong relationships.

Greetings. I am a heart exploration coach. Life is a beautiful journey, not for appreciation, but for blossoming.

The individual in question experiences distress and apprehension regarding their obligation to others, which significantly impacts their current life circumstances. This has undoubtedly resulted in considerable stress and constraints in their interpersonal interactions. Studying psychology has facilitated the identification of underlying factors through the technique of "free association." It would be beneficial to collectively examine and discuss these factors:

1. Learning psychology has resulted in changes and growth in individuals.

Psychology, like philosophy, is a discipline that revolves around people, and both disciplines ponder the fundamental questions of human existence: "Who am I?", "Where did I come from?" and "Where am I going?"

It can assist us in beginning with our emotions and experiences, utilizing psychological theories, and identifying the causes of analogous problems.

One might inquire as to the rationale behind an individual's thought processes, emotional responses, and behavioral tendencies. What distinguishes an individual from others? Conversely, why do individuals often exhibit similar behaviors?

One of the fundamental functions of psychology is to assist individuals in resolving their issues, providing them with fortitude, and facilitating their attainment of happiness and well-being. In essence, by engaging in psychological study, one has already "perceived" the challenges through their personal growth trajectory and is thus equipped with the capacity to devise solutions.

The study of psychology can facilitate personal growth, which is a process of change that contributes to maturity. This growth encompasses both intellectual and physical aspects.

Such manifestations include increased energy and happiness, enhanced vitality, an expanded range of choices, and heightened motivation. Additionally, there is a tendency to prioritize overall balance when contemplating issues and taking action, and a willingness to assume responsibility.

Thus, growth can be defined as a process of continuous intellectual improvement, a process of continuous expansion of the mind, and a process of continuous acceptance.

2. It is inevitable that there will be setbacks during the growth process.

From the perspective of the entire growth process, setbacks are to be expected and are acceptable, provided that the overall result is a "spiral upward."

The perception of being unwanted at birth is a consequence of the "son preference" era in which your parents were raised, rather than a reflection of your own actions.

The emotional distress associated with the fear of owing people a favor can be recognized and its underlying cause identified in the context of one's childhood growth experience, which itself represents a form of growth. While there has been a gradual improvement in one's energy levels, continued learning and recharging are essential for developing the capacity to effectively address challenges.

Let us examine the issue together. Every life is deserving of respect, including that of a kitten or puppy, and most certainly that of a human being. The limitations of parents result in the formation of worldly views during a specific developmental period. As an adult, one can comprehend and accept the imperfections of one's parents in light of acquired knowledge and perception.

Furthermore, at that time, your parents' friends, your maternal uncle, and your father's friends all held you in high regard, and it became evident that you were deserving of greater attention and care. If your parents did not love you, it is unclear how you could have become the person you are today.

Therefore, expressing gratitude for the past and examining past events from a developmental perspective, even though the past cannot be altered, individuals can modify their perceptions of these events.

3. Let us engage in further discussion regarding the concept of rebellion.

Rebellion is not disobedience; it is not deliberately going against one's parents. Rather, it is simply a universal need to mature independently, particularly during adolescence, a period marked by confusion and distress. During this time, individuals increasingly develop their own thoughts and opinions, and they desire to make their own judgments and decisions.

When adolescents do not receive sufficient trust and understanding from their parents, they may seek to fulfill their emotional needs in ways that are either suppressed or expressed as "rebellion." However, suppressed needs often eventually manifest themselves in some form. As an example, even individuals who have reached adulthood at 30 years of age may still exhibit behaviors that could be perceived as rebellious, indicating that their needs were not adequately met during their adolescent years.

The excessive sharing exhibited by your mother resulted in your premature assumption of the responsibilities typically borne by parents and adults, a factor that contributed to your depression.

Therefore, now that you are a wife and mother, you can utilize the knowledge you have gained to foster growth and intimacy in your relationship, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling life. You can achieve psychological independence from your original family and cultivate self-belief, as psychology enables individuals to support themselves.

It is my sincere hope that the aforementioned information is beneficial to you. Furthermore, I extend my love and best wishes to you and to the world at large.

Should you wish to continue the communication, you are invited to follow my personal homepage, entitled "Heart Exploration Service."

Good day, my name is Zeyu.

The questioner indicates that he is uncertain if his family experiences have contributed to his apprehension about indebtedness, but he is adamant about avoiding such obligations. It is reasonable to infer from this response that the questioner perceives a potential obligation to others and is reluctant to assume such a position. It would be beneficial to explore this concern further through the question.

The initial question posed in the article suggests that parents may not love themselves, a sentiment that the questioner appears to accept as fact. However, it is important to recognize that not all parents love their children equally, and that not all parents are qualified to serve as parents. Our society still holds prejudices and biases, including the preference for sons over daughters or vice versa. Consequently, we cannot expect the other party to make changes, as the responsibility lies with ourselves. If our parents do not love us, it is essential to learn to love ourselves. Additionally, we must recognize that, apart from our parents, there are still individuals in our lives who love and support us. It is crucial to acknowledge these positive influences.

From the description in the content, it is evident that the author has invested a significant amount of effort to gain the support of her family. In the past, we lacked the capacity to effect change, but now we have the ability to support ourselves and make changes.

The program host stated, "I may also find myself in conflict with my family. They may perceive that I began to challenge authority after the age of 30, but I believe that I have truly started to live for myself." It is important to note that we should not internalize the feelings of our family members. This has nothing to do with moral character or filial piety. We are simply becoming our true selves. Everything we experience in the present can be seen as breaking old rules and shaping a new order.

The ability to manage relationships with parents, siblings, and friends is contingent upon our own decisions. It is not necessary to assume the actions of another party; rather, it is essential to observe their actual behavior. The concern about debt indicates a reluctance to be subjected to moral blackmail and a desire to avoid the potential disruption and consequences that may arise from such circumstances.

If we wish to adjust this situation, we can establish a baseline by defining the worst-case scenario we are willing to accept. We simply need to accept what others offer us and reciprocate in kind. If we currently find this challenging, we can opt to postpone the change.

Should the other party demonstrate a willingness to cooperate, it would be prudent to accept their offer while clearly articulating the reasons for our refusal.

I hope the original poster will continue to care for and love themselves, and allow themselves sufficient space to grow. I believe the changes the original poster wants will eventually come to fruition.

You're afraid of owing people a favor and will repay every debt you owe, which may be the cause of your low sense of self-worth, a strong sense of unworthiness, and emotional isolation.

If your parents prefer boys and you were an unplanned addition to the family, and you've been adopted multiple times, you may tend to undervalue yourself.

Since you don't have a high status in the family, you feel like a burden to your parents and siblings. You always think you owe them, and you only feel at ease when you've paid back what you owe and they don't blame you.

We can empathize with these emotions, which can be a bit saddening.

If you look a little closer, you might also want to push people away by repaying their kindness.

You may find human relationships a bit of a burden.

Your birth was an unplanned event.

Your parents had you after they got a vasectomy, which might have planted the idea in your head that you're unnecessary and shouldn't have been born.

So you'll try to please your family by being obedient and sensible.

On top of your parents' preference for sons, your sister's bullying, your father's neglect, and your mother's complaints, you feel like you owe them a lot.

Later on, you found out that you were almost adopted several times, which made you feel even less like part of the family.

So, you have to work hard and make sacrifices to maintain your position in the family.

Your mother has done a lot for you, but she blames you for all her suffering. Your siblings may also feel that your mother favors you.

This can make you feel like you're being treated unfairly, misunderstood, or blamed.

The strategy you developed as a child to survive—which was obedient—has become rebellious now that you're independent in your 30s.

This is to make up for past grievances.

On the bright side, this rebellion is a good sign for you. You have finally dared to live for yourself!

What's the best way to get past this human relations barrier?

I've put together a few ideas for you to consider.

1. Come to terms with your past. Despite the challenges you've faced, your experiences have shaped who you are today.

Your siblings may have more status in the family than you, but none of them is living as well as you are now. You've earned your current situation through your own hard work.

2. Know your worth and boost your confidence.

If your family has a tendency to favor boys over girls, you might want to reconsider that.

You're valuable and deserve to be treated well!

3. Get to grips with why you might be afraid of owing favors and having to repay them.

The fear of owing favors is really about the burden that comes with them.

If you have to repay a favor, it might be because you're not ready for a closer relationship.

If you want to build a good relationship with someone, don't be afraid to return the favor.

Some favors are simply the result of someone trying to do you a good turn.

If you accept it willingly, the other person will feel valued, recognized, and be able to develop a better relationship with you!

I hope you found the above answers enlightening.

I'm Yan Guilai, a psychological counselor, and I'll be your guide on this journey of self-discovery and truth-seeking!

It is important to recognize that your feelings and experiences are reasonable and your reactions are understandable when facing such family experiences and psychological burdens. For your mental health and future happiness, we have some suggestions to help you adjust to this mentality of fear of owing people a favor.

1. **Consider your own value**: Your value is not determined by the expectations or judgments of others. You are an individual with the right to pursue your own happiness and satisfaction.

2. It is important to accept the past, but it is equally important not to let it define you. While past experiences may affect you, you have the power to choose not to let them control your present and future. Through counseling or self-reflection, you can gain a deeper understanding of how these experiences have shaped your behavior and beliefs. With this understanding, you can then gradually begin to change these patterns.

3. **Learn to set boundaries**: It can be helpful to be clear about your boundaries, learn to say "no" and not feel guilty about it. It's important to remember that you don't need to sacrifice your own needs in order to meet the expectations of others.

4. **Practice self-compassion**: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, recognizing that everyone faces their own unique challenges and difficulties. Avoid self-criticism or self-blame for your feelings or actions.

5. It might be helpful to talk to a trusted friend, family member, or professional counselor about your feelings and concerns. They may be able to provide a different perspective and support.

6. **Re-conceptualize your relationships**: It may be helpful to view relationships as a two-way street, where giving and receiving are both part of the dynamic. It is not necessary to feel indebted for accepting help, but rather to see it as an interaction and a potential for growth in the relationship.

7. Consider learning to be grateful when others help you. Gratitude can help you see the positive aspects of relationships.

8. Professional counseling: If you find it challenging to address these issues independently, you might benefit from seeking guidance from a counselor. A counselor can assist you in understanding the underlying causes of these feelings and provide strategies for coping and improvement.

9. Consider investing in your own personal growth, whether through reading, attending classes, or other forms of learning. It may be helpful to get to know yourself and improve your self-awareness so that you can better understand your own actions and emotions.

10. **Practice forgiveness**: Forgiveness does not necessarily entail forgetting or accepting injustice. Rather, it can be seen as a way of freeing oneself from past hurts and looking forward.

It is important to remember that change takes time and patience. It is not realistic to expect to completely change your feelings and behavior overnight. It is helpful to give yourself time and space to adjust and learn how to handle relationships in a healthier way.

From what the OP has said, it feels like the OP is actually very conflicted. On the one hand, they don't want to owe people a favor, but on the other hand, they long to be cared about. Isn't that right?

The situation you encountered may be a bit more special, and ordinary people, including me, have not experienced it, so I can't say for sure that I can empathize. But in fact, to put it bluntly, many complicated things in the world are the same in the end, and that's pretty amazing!

I think the original poster's problem is actually about trust! I'm not sure if I'm right, but I'm excited to find out!

From the perspective of the questioner, it's incredible how everyone is contributing to the questioner for some purpose and is therefore asking for a return. This is the crux of the questioner's problem – and it's a fascinating one!

In fact, if you think about it, isn't that what the relationship between each of us is really like? Absolutely!

Parents shower their children with love and attention, hoping that they'll be there for them in their golden years or bring glory to the family name. It's not uncommon for parents to feel disappointed when their children don't live up to their expectations.

And there's more! Friends and even spouses help each other in times of need, which is why they interact. Otherwise, if just any stranger can help you solve everything, why would you need friends?

What I'm saying is the most honest and genuine thing in human nature. Every human relationship has it, but most people don't experience it because their lives are full of exciting twists and turns!

People like the questioner and I, who have experienced some things, can appreciate these things and find them cruel. And it's not cruel at all! It's just that we see the essence and truth of things.

And it's in these moments that we truly see the essence, which can often feel cruel and naked.

I'm saying this not to make the original poster feel more disappointed, but to let you understand one thing: live for yourself, and no one else is as important as yourself, no matter how close they are!

Once you understand this, you'll be on your way to a whole new understanding! We have a scale in our hearts, and when you owe anyone a favor, it will be weighed.

We will repay others for as much as they have given us. And more than that, I'm sorry, but you are not qualified!

I am so grateful to my parents for giving me life and raising me. I will also support you in your old age, and if possible, I will also give my life for my parents.

But that's all! Controlling my life is impossible.

I will have my own opinions because I know that no matter how close parents are, there are conditions. But the great news is that treating yourself well does not require any conditions!

So, after understanding this, I really hope the original poster will take a good look at the relationship between themselves and the people around them, be more open-minded, and not worry about repaying a favor. As long as you do it in moderation, you don't need to worry! If you know that you have to repay a favor for every favor you receive, what is there to worry about?

Hello, question asker!

We all have this fear of owing people a favor. Once you owe one, you feel like you have to repay it. It's like you have this scale in your heart, constantly weighing the cost of giving and receiving. When the balance tips, you feel like you have to take action immediately. You might even take extreme measures like breaking off the relationship to escape it.

It's a wonderful thing when people are willing to sacrifice for us and meet our needs. It's natural for a relationship to become closer when we're cared for and supported. But it can sometimes end up hurting both sides.

I think this is related to our childhood experiences. As a child, you should have been protected and healthy while growing up. Unfortunately, you were involved in the conflicts between your parents too early and bore pressures and responsibilities beyond your years. As a result, your parents did not give you a sense of security, and you instead became [their parent], protecting and comforting your mother.

It's so sad when people don't recognize your needs. You worked so hard to get into university, but instead of receiving blessings from your loved ones, you were rebuked. It seems as if they sacrificed themselves for the benefit of others. But is that really the case?

It's totally understandable to feel this way. It's not your fault, but you believe it. You feel guilty for not letting your brother and sister go to college, and you feel like you're a bad person. Mom feels the same way. She wants to leave you a legacy and is afraid you'll abandon her, but her actions are a bit selfish. It's okay to feel this way. Raising children is the parents' responsibility, and you don't need to feel guilty or blame yourself.

I have to tell you, I don't think you realized how bad your relationship was until you got married. I think it's because you learned about psychology and gained some understanding of your situation that you realized it. Before, you might have been mindful of your sibling relationship and subconsciously tried to please them, even if they were sarcastic to you. But after learning about psychology, we will know how to love ourselves better and pay more attention to our own needs. That's why you were willing to admit your terrible family relationship.

I can see that you've made great strides in growing and changing, and I admire your willingness to take responsibility for your actions. It's natural to feel a sense of guilt when we realize our actions have caused distress to those close to us. However, it's important to remember that these feelings are part of the journey towards growth. You've already come so far, and I'm confident you'll continue to make positive changes.

The reason for this is actually a problem of boundaries: that is, "whose problem is whose responsibility?" If the father is violent towards the mother, it is a problem between the husband and wife. If you intervene and take responsibility for a problem that is not your responsibility, then you will get hurt. This process will cause you to feel powerless and fearful. Powerlessness: no matter how hard you try, you cannot change the relationship between your parents; no matter how hard you try, you cannot protect your mother from harm. Fear: the world is unsafe, which affects your ability to form relationships with others.

It's totally normal to feel afraid of owing people a favor. It can feel like you owe your mom and siblings so much that you can't possibly repay them. It's easy to think that other people helping you is because they want something in return, just like your family. But it's not true! Everyone should be responsible for their own choices and actions. What other people do and say is none of our business; it's their business.

An unwanted pregnancy is never easy, but it can be dealt with. Unfortunately, this couple chose to keep it. Their husband is a domestic abuser, but she chooses to put up with it rather than seek help or leave. Then he has to bear the consequences. Similarly, no matter what the purpose of other people's help is, it is none of our business. We only need to act according to our true inner thoughts, and as long as we are brave enough to bear the corresponding consequences and responsibilities, it is not necessary to do things a certain way.

So, it's not that our parents don't love us, but that they're struggling to love us. It's even possible that they don't have the strength to love themselves! And if this is the case with us, it's even more so with our brothers and sisters.

The past is the past, and it's not something we can change. But we can change our attitude towards problems, and that's something we can control! If you want a harmonious sibling relationship, you can achieve that by doing something about it. If your brother or sister doesn't want to socialize with you, you can socialize with them more often. You can ask your sister to go shopping with you and help you pick out clothes, and you can ask your brother to help you fix electrical appliances. In this way, your relationship will become closer, and that's a wonderful thing!

So, the point of studying psychology isn't to argue about right and wrong. It's to figure out what you truly want. I'd love to suggest two books I think you'll find really helpful: "Boundaries" and "Low Self-Esteem and Transcendence." Wishing you all the best!

Hello, question asker. My name is Evan, and I'm a counselor at Jingliu School.

From the questioner's description, it is clear that they are experiencing negative emotions such as confusion and fear. When we are not well accepted by our parents in the family, we will always fall into a state of self-worth negation.

We must stop feeling undeserving when others show us kindness.

The experiences of the original family often have a profound impact on our growth, including the sensitivity and fear of human relationships mentioned by the questioner. It is clear that the questioner is aware of his own problems, and understanding and accepting his emotions is an important step in growth.

The questioner has already recognized that certain experiences in the original family may have had an impact on them, which is a positive first step.

The fear of owing people favors is a common psychological phenomenon, particularly among those who were neglected or unloved during their upbringing. This feeling often stems from a lack of trust in close relationships or a fear of being used and hurt.

However, it is important to remember that relationships between people are not always based on the exchange of benefits. There are many people who are willing to help others out of sincerity and goodwill, without expecting anything in return.

The way each parent treats their children is closely related to the parenting they received in their own families or to their own needs as children. We can change the way our parents treat us. We can gain the love and growth that we lacked in the process through self-awareness and self-growth.

Since the question was asked on a platform, we cannot discuss it in depth. However, we can give some simple suggestions.

Self-awareness and acceptance: We are all born human, and we must accept our existence and our birth. Everyone has value, and the questioner must understand that their value is not dependent on whether they owe someone a favor.

Everyone is unique, and no one has the right to define your value but you. As an independent individual, you have the right to love and support, not based on what you have done for others.

You must learn to forgive yourself and accept your imperfections. You are not responsible for your parents' mistakes, and you should not have to bear the consequences of your actions.

It is crucial to learn to set boundaries. From the text, it is evident that the parents' acceptance of the subject is not as good as that of their older siblings. The subject's parents' existence is more of an entanglement and an attitude of exploitation.

This also raises the question of whether the subject is always at a disadvantage when dealing with others. It is crucial for the subject to learn to set their own boundaries when dealing with others.

The questioner can accept help from others, but they must also make clear their bottom line and principles. They must learn to say "no" to requests that make them feel uncomfortable or stressed.

This does not make the questioner a bad person. It simply means that you are protecting your emotional and mental health.

Build your own relationships. When interacting with people, you must try to gradually build a trusting relationship and try to connect with people who make you feel respected and understood. Start with small things and gradually expand to larger areas.

This will help the questioner overcome their fear of being in someone's debt. This kind of relationship will help the questioner build trust and reduce their fear of being in someone's debt.

Express gratitude. If the questioner feels that they owe someone a favor, they will communicate with that person. Make sure you express the questioner's gratitude and ask if there is anything you can do to help.

This will relieve the pressure on the questioner and strengthen your bond. Look for something to be grateful for every day, no matter how small.

This will help the questioner shift their focus from what they lack to what they have.

Change those negative self-talk and use more positive and supportive language to treat yourself. Clarify your goals and aspirations, and work hard for them.

This will help the questioner build self-confidence and reduce their dependence on others.

Seek professional support. If you're struggling to adjust your mindset, it's time to seek the guidance of a professional counselor. They'll provide tailored advice and support to help you tackle this issue head-on.

Professional psychological counseling will help you understand what you want in a relationship, how your parents' behavior affected you, and why you act the way you do.

You must give yourself time and space to grow and change if you want to face the influence of your family of origin and move on from it. Everyone's growth process is unique, so don't be too demanding on yourself.

The questioner can overcome the negative impact of their original family experiences through learning and hard work. They will become a more confident and independent person. Don't be too harsh on yourself. Celebrate every step of progress.

I am confident that these suggestions will be helpful to the questioner.

I highly recommend the following books:

"The Family of Origin" is an essential read for anyone seeking to understand how an unhealthy family environment can harm children and continue to affect their lives as adults. It provides invaluable insights into one's own upbringing, empowering readers to break free from the shadows of the past.

Family on the Hot Plate: This book reveals the psychological truth behind family of origin issues through a detailed account of a family's therapy process. It is an invaluable resource for readers who want to redefine psychotherapy and overturn traditional perceptions of family.

A Life Without Parental Control is a practical guide that provides real-life examples and effective exercises to help readers break free from the influence of their family of origin and achieve self-growth.

The Neglected Child: This book will help those whose emotional needs were not met in childhood to gradually master emotional skills, get out of the emotional vacuum, and re-establish an emotional connection with others and the world.

This book teaches you how to recognize and get rid of emotional blackmail, especially the emotional manipulation that often occurs in intimate relationships. You will learn how to establish healthier and more equal relationships.

The Awakening of the Inner Parent: This book teaches the subject how the inner child can experience the benefits of better parenting when the inner parent listens to and understands the inner child's wants and needs, and nurtures the inner child in a nurturing and supportive way. These two inner selves will continue to inspire each other and improve their relationship, thereby enhancing inner happiness and balancing inner relationships.