I enjoy being alone, but I also crave intimate love?

Hello, host. I hope my answer helps.

I understand. Not being yourself in a relationship can be worrying because you know she likes a version of you. You broke up because of violence, but you know it was also your pretense. This makes you tired, so you feel relief after the breakup. It's normal to feel pain later because everyone wants intimacy. You've lost the person you love, and there will be sadness and pain. This is normal.

If we enter another relationship, it will be a cycle. How can we get out of this dilemma?

First, accept yourself and your imperfections.

From what you said, it seems like you've been playing a role in the relationship to make the other person like you. You've been taking care of her feelings and suppressing your own needs to meet hers. This is good at first, but it will eventually make you tired. We can't become someone else, and the emotions and needs we've suppressed will find a way to come out. That's why you resorted to violence to end your relationship.

If you don't accept yourself, you'll never be able to accept others. Learn to accept yourself, and you'll gain strength. We're all imperfect, but we're all worthy of being accepted. Only when we accept ourselves can we truly change.

If you keep rejecting yourself, you'll just spend all your energy trying to be someone else. Start by accepting yourself. You'll feel better. People who accept themselves are happier.

Security comes from within.

Maybe you feel like there's a protective film around you that makes you feel safe. But have you noticed that it's actually very fragile? Behind it is a deep fear and a fear of others knowing what's behind the film. This film is a way we used to protect ourselves. It can be called our early defense mechanism. It once gave us a lot of security, and once it was effective. But now, it's not enough to protect us. We need to upgrade our defense mechanism and gain a true sense of security.

To feel secure in a relationship, you need to look inside yourself, change your thoughts, and learn to trust yourself. Spend more time understanding and developing yourself, and your trust in yourself will make you feel secure in any relationship!

So, from now on, learn to care for yourself, accept yourself, and affirm yourself. You can't achieve this by talking about it. You have to practice and grow. You can read books or articles on the platform. I once wrote an article about self-acceptance. You can read it if you're interested.

3. Be yourself in relationships and feel the power of authenticity.

Maybe you wanted to be true to yourself in relationships but found it safer to put on a facade. We can be true to ourselves in relationships. Long-lasting relationships require that we be true to ourselves.

I know this is hard for you. Start by being true to yourself. Spend time with people who understand, accept, and support you.

When you find you can be truthful and it's accepted, you'll feel the power of truth.

Mr. Zeng Qifeng said, "People need relationships to grow."

A good relationship is one where you trust each other, love each other, and are free to be yourself.

When a person has more loving relationships, they can pursue happiness and success with confidence.

You can transfer these strengths to other relationships and finally be happy.

I hope this helps. Best wishes!

Hello, question asker!

It's challenging to provide guidance on your relationship in just over 200 words. However, I'm confident I can offer you more than a few words of advice. I'm ready to have a chat with you and explore new possibilities when you're feeling conflicted and suffering because of this.

The heart of an onion can only be peeled layer by layer.

Your words remind me of a song, "Onion." It says, "There is always an unbreakable membrane between two people," and "this membrane gives me a sense of security." The membrane you mentioned is like the skin of an onion, wrapping and protecting an easily-injured heart.

This layer of protection is crucial for you. The way you wrap yourself up so tightly now may be related to a trauma you experienced at an earlier time. You will not let anyone tear it open easily, and no one else can either, not even your girlfriend of three years.

If you want to see a heart as suppressed as an onion, you have to peel it carefully, layer by layer. It's painful and tearful, and some people give up.

You must return to your true self to live a carefree life.

The concept of a "false self" is a key concept in psychology. It simply means ignoring your inner feelings and growing up by accommodating and surrounding yourself with other people's feelings. You say, "I always shut myself in," "I always like to pretend," and "I package myself to look the way she likes." This seems like you have given up your true self in order to maintain a false self with a superficial appearance.

People who live in a state of false self for a long time will find it difficult to experience happiness. This is because true feelings cannot be expressed and true desires cannot be fulfilled. Instead, they will feel anxiety and pressure, and live a "lost" life. If you want to live freely, you must accept your true self and value your feelings and needs.

Setbacks are opportunities for growth.

The end of the previous relationship was painful, but you used it as an opportunity for introspection. You didn't wallow in your pain; you came here to open up and discuss the gains and losses this relationship brought you. This shows you have the ability to be aware and change.

You also start thinking about what you can do in the next relationship so that you don't go back to the same old path. You can start by accepting yourself.

As you become more comfortable with your true self, you will need to hide less and less. This will make your intimate relationship based on sincere communication more stable.

The original poster will get out of their predicament and embrace love.

Hello. I give you a 360-degree hug.

From your question, it's clear you're deeply conflicted. You've built a protective shell, and you want others to come and break it down. But when they get close, you hide away. When they move away, you want to get close to them again.

From the perspective of attachment theory, this is a conflicted or disorganized attachment.

Attachment theory categorizes our attachment to others into four types: secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized. Based on your description, it's evident that you're experiencing significant conflict.

The patterns of attachment we have with others are largely shaped by our relationships with our caregivers during childhood. A child who receives sufficient security from their parents will often develop a secure attachment.

The other types are primarily caused by a lack of sufficient support between the child and the caregiver.

From your questions, I can only see your current behavior patterns. I don't know your family situation, your interactions with your parents, etc. Therefore, I can't say whether it is related to childhood experiences.

If you have been hurt by someone in an intimate relationship during your development, it will affect the way you treat intimate relationships. If you meet a PUA dating partner, you may be afraid to enter another intimate relationship.

You need to figure out what you are avoiding and what you are protecting. First, understand yourself. Only by understanding your own heart will you not be entangled in conflicts in an intimate relationship. Otherwise, both people in an intimate relationship will be very tired.

The content is insufficient for me to make a judgment. I advise you to consult with a counselor.

Know this: there is no conflict between enjoying loneliness and enjoying intimate love. They can be very harmonious. But enjoying loneliness and having a conflicted attitude towards intimacy affects your life. You must reconcile your inner self with the relationship between the two.

The key is intimacy.

I am a Buddhist and I am depressed. I am also a positive and motivated psychological counselor. I love the world.

Hello, I'm Qu Huidong, a psychological counselor who loves to speak in images!

From your description, I can see that you once tried hard to put on a mask to please your ex-girlfriend, which is a great start!

It's so hard when you can't be true to yourself in front of the person you love!

I bet you're excited to see what happens in your next relationship!

I want to congratulate you on taking another step on the path of growth and gaining a clearer awareness of your state in the relationship!

Awareness brings pain, yes, but it also brings change!

In an intimate relationship, you don't have to show your true self to anyone but your partner!

But here's the thing: pretending to be someone else, even if it is someone the other person wants, is a denial of oneself and a lack of trust in the other person.

When we don't believe the other person can accept us as we are,

The foundation of the relationship is shaky, and we have the opportunity to rebuild it! We can become increasingly distrustful of ourselves, or we can trust ourselves and our partners more.

And of course, this also depends on the psychological maturity of the other party!

You are aware that you may fall into a cycle in your next relationship, and you're ready to take control! This is a natural part of the process, and it's an important step to take.

If you want to pause this cycle, you may have to start by getting to know yourself — and it's a great idea!

Psychological counseling can help you! And it just might be the answer you've been looking for!

There's nothing more important in a person's life than relationships!

Parents and children, friends and lovers, colleagues and leaders...

Find your place and live more comfortably!