I felt like I was going to be swallowed up by my mother's hatred, and I didn't know how to deal with the pain...

Give the questioner a hug! I can feel the questioner's deep fear and pain, struggling painfully between her own life and her mother's control. At the same time, I applaud the questioner's inner strength. I'm so excited to share some of my own views with the questioner!

In the face of such a situation, the first thing you can do is accept it. And I mean really accept it! Accept that your mother is such a controlling person, accept your fear, powerlessness and helplessness in the face of her, accept the little child inside you who is unwilling to suffer, accept that you have made a lot of efforts to get out of this predicament, even if they haven't had much effect, and accept your current pain and helplessness.

Find out what your inner child wants and see if you can make it happen! If you can, go for it! If not, that's okay. Just give your inner child a hug and say goodbye. You've got this!

What happened in the past is history, and it's not going to repeat itself, no matter how painful it was. The best thing you can do is accept it and move on. You never know what the future holds, and you can't change the past. The only thing you can control is your life in the present, and that's something to be excited about!

This is exactly what the Buddha shared with a few children after he had awakened: "When eating tangerines, you can do one thing and one thing only: concentrate on eating tangerines and feel the experience of eating tangerines.

The mother is very controlling, and there's a good reason for it! It's a way for her to express her inner thoughts and needs. She's found this to be the best way to satisfy her own inner needs. She's so sure of herself and her thoughts and perceptions that she's convinced this is the only way to make herself satisfied. She's not afraid to "let go" of this solidification because she knows it's the best way for her. Controlling her child is partly because the child is relatively weak, and she feels that she can't resist her forced control. On the other hand, she needs to maintain such an intimate relationship with her child in this way, and she's excited to express intimacy with her child in this way.

The questioner feels trapped and oppressed by her mother's obsessive control. She wants to struggle and rebel, but is afraid of hurting her mother. After all, she is her own family member, and it would be too difficult to live without rebelling. Her heart is full of conflict and entanglement, and she doesn't know how to express and convey such pain. But she's going to figure it out!

So, amidst these challenges, here's what you can do! Express your feelings of distress and pain to your mother through the power of words. Let her know how her actions make you feel, like you have no freedom. Be specific and communicate with her in this way. She might find it difficult to understand or accept, but that's okay! She may not realize the impact her actions have on you or she might be enjoying the sense of control she has over the situation. Give her time to process and think about it. Don't expect her to understand and change overnight. Be patient and believe in the power of communication!

When you express these emotions and feelings within yourself, it's like relieving pressure on your heart. You'll feel so much better! You can clarify your life goals, strengthen your beliefs, and focus more energy on doing what you love and pursuing the life you want to live.

Could I ask how old the questioner is? From what I can gather from the text, it seems as though you have experienced a great deal of hardship.

It would seem that the individual in question is subject to the influence of two distinct factors: the first being the emotional haze that has accumulated over the years, and the second being traditional beliefs about filial piety.

It seems that the questioner has found a way to move beyond the limitations of traditional filial piety and emotional gloom. By developing a sense of anger and hatred, the questioner has demonstrated a willingness to confront these challenges head-on. This approach suggests that the questioner possesses a certain strength and resilience, as well as a desire to take action and overcome these obstacles.

Perhaps what would help is to try to identify the source of the "boundless fear" that seems to immobilize you. It might be helpful to consider the possibility that these feelings are rooted in childhood wounds that you've tried to hide deep inside.

"I believe that anger and hatred may not be the most helpful emotions to cultivate, particularly in the pursuit of healing the heart." I'm curious to understand how the questioner arrived at this conclusion.

While it is true that being constantly consumed by anger and hatred may not be conducive to healing, it is also important to remember that it is not wrong to feel angry and hateful. If we cannot feel angry and hateful, how can we seek justice for "that wounded child"?

It may be the case that the fear of seeking justice for the "hurt child" indicates that the questioner is still trying to hide the pain of their childhood. How might the resulting "boundless fear" be resolved?

The questioner feels that he is often on the verge of exploding, but ultimately does not. He feels anger and hatred, but is hesitant to express them. He rationalizes that anger and hatred will only bring him pain and will not help him heal. Perhaps the questioner's heart is still occupied by an indescribable, boundless fear.

It's akin to recalling a time when one was reprimanded and experiencing a deep-seated fear and trepidation. It's understandable that one might then choose to tread carefully in their interactions with others, as such feelings can be uncomfortable to navigate.

It might be helpful to consider allowing your anger and hatred to be expressed in a healthy way. This could help to free up mental energy that might otherwise be consumed by balancing these emotions with the strong resentment and pain of the wounded child, and by fear.

I truly hope that my reply will be of some help to you, and I would be very happy if it were to prove useful in some way. Wishing you all the best!

Child, allow me to embrace you. The experiences of childhood often leave an indelible mark on an individual's life trajectory.

The wounds received during one's formative years often take a lifetime to heal. Reconciliation may only occur in old age, or even at the end of life.

I empathize with your situation.

I can discern the overwhelming emotions you are experiencing, which are on the verge of overwhelming you. In an attempt to relieve the pressure, you have sought out a source of strength to soothe your mind.

Filial piety can result in a sense of being unable to extricate oneself from one's mother's influence, leading to feelings of being overwhelmed and constrained.

Your mother employs a high degree of control and is adept at leveraging fear as a tactic. This observation brings to mind the pervasive notion that the overarching mantra of most mothers to their children is, "Eat properly or you won't grow tall," or "Eat more vegetables or you won't be pretty." It appears that the "more...or else" approach is a dominant paradigm in the way most people raise children.

In the event that the child does not comply with the instructions provided, they will be subjected to verbal reprimand and physical punishment. This results in the child developing a cautious and timid demeanor, and given the circumstances of your situation, they will likely experience a profound sense of empathy.

However, the process of maturation is unchangeable. One can only assume control of one's own mentality. I can discern the efforts you have made, but because you cannot disregard the concept of filial piety, you remain under your mother's influence. We can discuss the concept of filial piety. Do you understand it to signify unquestioning obedience to your mother?

From the information provided, it appears that the desire for control exhibited by the subject's mother may also originate from her own family of origin. While this aspect is unlikely to change, there is potential for modifying the manner in which the subject interacts with her mother. It is not necessary to engage in direct conflicts; rather, maintaining a degree of independence while still providing care for the mother is a viable approach.

It is also possible to communicate with one's mother. If communication is ineffective and she is indifferent, one can respect her autonomy when in her presence but live one's own life when she is not. Alternatively, if one's mother is understanding and the relationship improves, this may also be an avenue to explore.

It seems unlikely that your mother has been aware of the extent of your distress over the years. It is reasonable to assume that any mother who loves her child would be concerned about their wellbeing.

It is recommended that more communication occur. In addition, it is advised that psychological counseling be attempted. When self-relief proves ineffective, the assistance of external forces may facilitate the discovery of one's own psychological energy and the subsequent acquisition of greater courage.

Dear Question Asker, I have carefully reviewed your question and, having had a similar experience, I am able to empathize with you.

The mother's harshness and strong desire to control have left a profound impact on you during your formative years. Even now, as an adult, these experiences continue to affect you, creating obstacles and disrupting your studies and work.

These emotions can be likened to the two generals from hell: one is called fear, the other anxiety.

You have invested significant time and effort into addressing these issues. You have engaged with Buddhist texts and modern psychological literature in an attempt to identify the root cause of your distress.

As you gradually become aware of the underlying issues, you begin to recognize the influence of your mother's control, the scolding, and your own negative feelings.

You are experiencing a strong urge to explode and an overwhelming sense of hatred.

Buddha identified five negative emotions as poisons: greed, anger, ignorance, arrogance, and doubt. Chinese filial piety also addresses the issue of hatred toward one's mother.

However, you still harbor negative feelings toward her, and these emotions are overwhelming.

It is a commonly held psychological belief that repressed negative emotions will inevitably find a way out, disguised and transformed, and will thus manifest as various physical and mental symptoms that will trouble you.

It is therefore imperative that you allow yourself to release this negative energy.

It is acceptable to hate, but you must express this emotion. Words have energy, and speaking hate means you have implemented it, and then you will feel differently.

I recommend that you join a psychological group, find a professional counselor, or find a reliable friend with whom you can confide. In a secure setting, address your inner thoughts and feelings, communicate openly, and articulate your genuine intentions. Despite potential challenges, you must persevere.

Expressing hatred and then love is an act of deep compassion for your mother.

Please be aware that this process will take time.

I hope you will continue to improve, overcome your difficulties, and return to your optimal state of mind.

I would like to extend my love and best wishes to you and the world.

Hello, questioner.

Your mother's hatred has had a seriously negative effect on your emotional state, making you live a life of great grievance.

Anger has caused you to become extremely desperate, even to the verge of collapse.

You are admirable for trying hard to learn with the help of Buddhism, psychology, etc. to get rid of the hatred of your mother that is devouring you.

Buddhism, psychology, etc. have tried to get rid of it, but with little effect. You still feel powerless and helpless, and are overwhelmed with anxiety!

I don't know what your emotional and mental state is like right now, but I know it affects your diet, life, work, and interpersonal relationships.

If it has an impact, formal treatment should be considered first.

And how do we break the cycle, such as soothing the inner wounded child?

First, you must understand your mother and recognize the harm she has caused.

A psychologist once said, "Every child in the family is a continuation of the mother's own body!"

You must understand the mother's background and her family of origin to see what kind of

Growing up in a harsh environment has shaped her irritable and hurtful personality.

The mother's parents did not take care of her emotions and feelings and never empathized with her.

Her emotions cause disorder and turmoil within her internal object. She protects herself and meets her needs by acting this way.

She will undoubtedly be better able to protect herself by attacking others. This is why the mother's inner child is still in

A baby's lack of food, water, and milk can make them irritable.

Second, you must try to empathize with the mother.

It is challenging to empathize with the mother's situation because everyone, when hurt and attacked, will have

It is challenging to empathize with and understand the "enemy's" aggressive behavior when we are defending ourselves.

We must understand our own feelings and communicate them to her so that she understands her emotions and behavior.

If you hurt us, express yourself in a tactful and neutral manner to express where you are uncomfortable. Vent your anger.

Anger that is suppressed can reflect the mother's behavior patterns, allowing her to gain a better understanding of her own.

Behavioral patterns.

Third, you must try to heal yourself.

1. Identify an emotional event, especially one related to your mother.

2. Identify the emotion. Where in your body does it feel? What does it resemble?

3. Identify the event your mother touched on that triggered your negative emotions.

4. Be clear about your expectations and needs from your mother.

5. Identify the moment your identity was formed.

Fourth, use the empty chair technique to talk to your inner child.

Find a closed room where you won't be disturbed, find an empty chair, and talk to the inner child.

Children talk and then sit on an empty chair by themselves, imagining that they are the wounded child inside, expressing their emotions.

This is about emotions and feelings.

You must also talk to the angry mother inside.

Express your anger and grievances to a piece of your mother's clothing or a photo of her. If you can cry and complain, even better.

You need to find someone you trust who can give you a sense of security and take the place of your mother. This will enable you to continue venting and expressing your feelings.

This is more specific and true.

It is time to separate from your mother.

All anger and grievances come from our symbiotic relationship with our mother. We have replaced one of her sub-personalities.

If you want to detach from your mother, you have to do it slowly. Give yourself time and space to do it.

We can break away from the emotional dependence that our mothers bring us, even if it means being apart.

I am Counselor Yao, and I will continue to support and care for you!

Dear questioner,

I'm Kelly, and I'm so excited to be here! I've been following One Psychology for a while now and I've been really interested in your question. I've read it several times and I'm eager to help you sort it out. Please feel free to let me know if there's anything I can do to help!

My mother's hatred was in stark contrast to traditional filial piety.

I remember a dozen years ago, after giving birth, I had several conflicts with my mother. For example, during the confinement period, I didn't want to eat a lot of food, but my mother insisted that I eat it. I wanted to sleep, but my mother woke me up. At that time, I felt that my mother didn't know how to love, and she loved us in her "overbearing way." During our 20-day confinement period, my mother said she was tired and went home.

I didn't say anything at the time, thinking that physical pain was something I was willing to accept. I was so excited to take care of the baby and cook during the month after giving birth!

Later, she suffered from postpartum depression, mainly insomnia. The first thing I did was see a psychologist. At that time, the psychologist I found was in Shanghai, and it was more troublesome to communicate with him, but I got some support, which was great!

I also chose to recite scriptures, and I was thrilled to start with the Earth Treasury Sutra, which is the Filial Piety Sutra. I recited it for two years, and while there was always an internal conflict, I was excited to keep working through it.

But my insomnia has improved a lot! In those two years of studying the classics, I felt like I was partially healed, in the sense that I no longer had nightmares during sleep. (Before that, I had nightmares every night, from childhood to adulthood.)

My mother's one thing I dislike most is that she loves little and hates much. When she was young, she didn't get any love from her parents, so she complained about her grandmother for decades. She didn't have any contact with her mother and had a bad relationship with her aunt and uncle. When she was young, she also beat and scolded us all kinds of ways. She has a strong personality.

At that time, deep down, I still longed for her to understand me, and I tried to change myself. Later, when I studied psychology, I discovered that the internal conflict also caused internal friction and self-attack, which was an exciting discovery!

It's like one part of me is filled with the desire to be filial, while another part of me is eager to explore other possibilities. I remember those hurts clearly, and I'm excited to heal them!

In recent years, as I approached menopause, I was excited to see my depression return.

This time, I chose psychology!

[Talking about fears and anxieties]

In 2022, I came to Yixinli, and the first thing I did was learn about emotional catharsis. With the guidance of the teacher and the support of my classmates for 21 days, I found the courage to explore myself and saw my memories from around the age of 3: my fears, my anxiety, and my mother's beatings and scoldings. The way I was raised played out like an old movie in the writing process. I saw the child inside myself, who longed for my mother's love but could not attach to her. It was an incredible experience!

As soon as I wrote down each and every fearful thing, I was instantly healed just by seeing it. When I shared it in the dynamics and shared it with my teachers and classmates in the course, I cried uncontrollably during the course. My teachers and classmates all encouraged me, and at the same time, a class of nearly 50 people saw that nearly 50 people were suffering from the same pain, and some people were even hurt more deeply than I was. It was incredible to realize that I wasn't alone in my pain!

Those deep-seated secrets came to light one by one. When I bravely faced them, I was thrilled to realize I had gained the strength to come out from the shadow of my original family. I was eager to directly face the problems that had troubled me and affected my life.

My mother was an anxious person. Later, I studied family therapy and made an amazing discovery: anxiety can affect each other! I also understood that my own anxiety came from when I was younger, my parents' parenting style, a lack of security about the future, and little support from my original family.

[Mother's Control]

But there's more! Behind the control is the fear of loss and a lack of self-confidence. I studied family therapy and read a book by Chen Fazhan, "Why Families Get Sick," to learn more about the harm done to children and the suffering in the original family.

1: If you can separate it, you can also start the healing process!

2: It's time to set some boundaries and take responsibility for ourselves! It's time to say goodbye to the original family and start anew!

3. Learning psychology, "discharge first, then replenish," writing emotions in a narrative style is supported in literature, Buddhism, and psychology—and it's a great approach!

The story of Ruan Ji's mother's death is a great reminder for me to be a truthful person!

Kindness is rooted in our hearts, and we absolutely do not actively harm our parents!

But that doesn't mean it can't be mentioned! In fact, psychology masters Irwin Aron and Carl Rogers both wrote the story of their lives. You can read their books!

The great news is that honest description and expression of one's emotions have nothing to do with filial piety!

In literature, the incredible Eileen Chang wrote about the way her father and mother raised her.

And Buddhism talks about the word "intention"!

4: Psychology is an amazing tool that helps me find myself, look at things in the right way, understand human nature, and grow myself.

5: Forget about the pain of the past! It's time to change yourself. Studying psychology has made me more open-minded and I've met so many excellent teachers here. I've grown up and I'm ready to help others!

6: As I grew up and studied psychology, I made an incredible discovery! I finally understood the reasons for my mother's hatred and control. I learned about their family of origin, the times, the environment, and the education. I even learned about family intergenerational issues!

7: Compared to them, we are much happier. We have access to psychology, and we can find ways to get ourselves out of difficult situations. My mother is over 70 years old, and her personality will never change. But I have set boundaries, and she no longer has an influence on me.

8: A saying in psychology that I love: whoever suffers changes, and the one who changes is also the one with the most energy. And you know what? Maybe we can't change others, but we can change ourselves!

9: Be the best version of yourself and become your own person! I have been on Yi Xin Li for more than 7 months, keeping a journal and joining many communities to learn and grow together.

10: When we love more, we hate less, and we have long since become ourselves, not someone influenced by our mothers.

11: All reading is not in vain! It's all a process leading to our understanding, and it's a great journey!

12: I grew up and learned to accept my emotions and understand my mother, and it was the best thing I ever did!

A person with little education, perhaps I idealized her in the past. She is just an ordinary person who also makes a lot of mistakes—and she's great!

I wish you all the best!

I'm Kelly, and I love you so much it's unbelievable!

Greetings, dear questioner!

I admire your courage in recognizing this and your dedication to seeking solutions through reading and learning.

I empathize with your situation and would be happy to discuss it with you further. I hope to offer a different perspective and provide some inspiration.

1. Consider offering a comforting embrace to the part of yourself that has been hurt.

It is not uncommon for children who have experienced childhood trauma to appear to be doing well on the surface. However, they may still be affected by memories of being beaten or scolded as children.

It is fair to say that we are all influenced by our family of origin.

When we come to understand that we have grown up and are no longer the child we once were, who was unable to protect themselves, we can begin to take back the initiative.

I believe we still have the strength to face such harm.

Perhaps the first step could be to try to embrace the vulnerable, frightened child within yourself and reassure them with gentle words, "You are not alone, I see you, I am here, I will support and protect you."

It is thought that there is a child within everyone, as the renowned psychologist Carl Jung once suggested. While our physical age may increase, our subconscious mind does not necessarily grow with age.

This child may be vulnerable and sensitive, and may also be insecure and longing for love.

If we can recognize this and provide comfort to the inner child, it will gradually grow up.

2. It may be helpful to recognize the limitations of the mother.

In recent years, there has been a great deal of discussion about the original family.

We recognize the influence of the original family, not to resent or find someone responsible for our suffering, but to see this influence and transcend it.

Your mother was quite controlling, and the harm she did to you when you were young has had a significant impact on you now.

Perhaps it would be helpful to recognize that our mothers are also limited in their abilities.

It's possible that she also loved you, but perhaps she didn't know how to love you better, and she might have just educated you according to her own ideas.

Perhaps it would be helpful to try to remember why she scolded you.

Perhaps it's because you didn't meet her expectations, or maybe she's feeling insecure...

Mothers can sometimes experience heightened levels of anxiety, fear, and apprehension, which may inadvertently manifest as control over their children. This can result in the projection of these emotions onto a perceived weaker individual.

It would be fair to say that nature has a significant influence on us all.

It can be difficult to find peace when we are faced with such challenging emotions.

We were taught to be respectful and obedient to our parents.

However, it is important to note that filial piety does not necessarily imply a lack of resentment towards one's parents.

It would seem that there is now some research that suggests:

It may be beneficial for children to experience a range of emotions, including love and hate, towards their parents.

It is not necessary to tell our mothers that we resent them. However, it is beneficial to understand our emotions, allow them to flow, stop suppressing them, and stop fighting against ourselves.

3. Consider making peace with yourself.

It is important to remember that when we are trying to change our relationship with our family of origin, we are not trying to change anyone else in the family. We are not trying to change our parents or the way they treat us. We are simply trying to change ourselves.

Perhaps we could say that changing ourselves involves changing our own reaction patterns.

We can take back the initiative for our happiness, but it will take time.

We can see how our mothers have influenced us, and at the same time, we can realize that as long as we grow up, we can work on our relationships with our mothers and with ourselves. Our mothers are not as authoritative as they once were.

I believe we are equal to our mothers.

Adler believed that psychological trauma is not a tangible phenomenon.

While some may initially feel uneasy when hearing this, it is a powerful tool that can assist in releasing past burdens.

For instance, we may have been holding on to our mother's childhood experiences in a way that has allowed us to maintain our own pain and resentment.

We always have the option of choosing.

You might find it helpful to read The Courage to Be Disliked and Transcend the Original Family if you're interested.

I hope this finds you well.

I would like to extend my love and appreciation to the world and to you.

Hello!

You have grown up and have the strength to be yourself. You can live your own life and love yourself.

You are not your mother. Be yourself.

Read this passage every day. Connect with and forgive your mother.

Dear Mom, You're my only mom.

The person most qualified to be my mother.

I accept you as my mother.

and accept everything you give me.

All the costs that come with it.

Please accept me as your child.

Life has been passed down to me through you and my father.

I have all the strength, love, and support I need.

Even if I have other needs.

Use what you've given me to get it somewhere else.

My life will be difficult.

I'll face many setbacks and failures.

No matter what disappointments or hurts I experience.

You've given me strength, love, and support.

I will do good things to make you proud.

I will do good things to make you proud.

When I'm ready, I'll have a family.

and pass on life.

(If you have kids, you can change it to)

I have a family.

and pass on life.

I will take care of my family.

I will build a happy life.

Please accept my love, gratitude, and respect.

Mom, you're my most important person.

You'll know about all my good deeds.

I feel your love and support.

"Mom, thank you, I love you."

Hello! I saw your question from September 21st. I'm interested in discussing it again.

You have learned a lot to heal from your family of origin's wounds. You are aware and self-regulating. Your self-defense strategies are constructive.

You haven't let your suffering stop you from studying hard and changing yourself. That's rare!

Many people want their parents to change. You want to change your own perception. This is very different and worthy of respect! You have already realized that suffering and changing go hand in hand.

You can heal yourself and help others by understanding your feelings. You've already done a great job!

Use your mind to free yourself from the idea that the parent-child relationship must be perfect. People often focus on blood ties, but these are not always reliable. They are not even as good for us as relationships with our neighbors.

There's no need for a perfect relationship with your mother. You don't have to be grateful to her all the time. If you're unhappy with her or hurt by her, you'll feel pressure.

You haven't shaken off the unreasonable concept of traditional filial piety. Our Chinese nation emphasizes filial piety, but not foolish filial piety.

If parents harm their children, it's worse than if strangers do. Demanding children be happy and obedient is harmful.

It takes time to heal from anger and hatred. You can't change your feelings immediately. You may never be able to. What you need to do is accept your negative feelings about your mother.

Then, like a bystander, watch yourself live with these emotions and get along with your mother with these emotions. When you accept your emotions, you may be able to change or get rid of them.

It's normal to have emotions. Don't try to get rid of them, just accept them and observe them. Then you can view your interactions with your mother and your parent-child relationship objectively.

Don't be foolish with your filial piety.

I hope this helps!

Hello, question owner!

Hug you! From your words, I can deeply feel the pain you have suffered for so many years, and this pain shows no sign of ending. I know it's tough, but you're going to get through this. There is hope for the future, and looking back on the past, it is painful to reflect on the past. Life is really hard! But you're doing great!

I just wanted to give you another hug!

I can see from your story that you have the power to make things better for yourself.

Over the years, I've read lots of Buddhist classics and psychological books from home and abroad. I've learned so much! For example, I've discovered the power of the present moment, naturopathy, and positive psychology.

Over the years, you've tried so many different methods. It's in the process of thinking about these methods that you've gradually comforted that wounded child within. Otherwise, your life might have gone in a different direction, and you might not have come here to seek help for a better life. So I want to give you a big thumbs-up!

I think the reason you came here for help this time is that you had another not-so-great experience with your mom, or maybe you were just going through a rough patch emotionally. We all know that our emotions can fluctuate. When we're in a low emotional period, we tend to focus on the things that make us feel better, but our mood still might not lift.

Maybe you've linked your current disappointments to childhood experiences, which is why you're struggling to find ways to soothe this pain. I totally get it. Life has its ups and downs, and we all face disappointments and hopes. It's how we live our lives, right? There's no need to blame yourself. When emotions come, let's figure it out together. As long as they come, let's face them and accept them. Let's spend a lifetime falling in and out of love with them.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but why do I have the above view? It's because I've noticed that you've thought of many ways over the years. Do you think my effort is a bit wasted? I think your subconscious mind may have this thought. As I said above, it is precisely because you have thought of so many ways that you have been able to gain so much knowledge, constantly expanding the boundaries of your own knowledge. You are gradually enriching yourself. You are definitely getting better and better every year, knowing how to soothe your inner child. The methods are increasing, and this trend can be seen. You are gradually growing up, and your inner child is gradually shrinking. Perhaps it is because he is gradually shrinking that she is constantly struggling.

But he is still a child, struggling as he is. He has been born, and I don't think it's possible for you to make him disappear completely. So I think that since he has appeared, let's get ready to live in harmony with him. I think you should know the wonderful psychologist Irwin Yalom. In his books Becoming Myself and Mother and the Meaning of Life, he wrote about his love-hate relationship with his mother. I think you'll find the strength to grow from within if you take the time to read them.

I really do think that after reading these two books, you'll be more open to the idea of coexisting with your inner child. I truly believe that as long as you accept the possibility of coexisting with your inner child for life, you'll be able to focus more on the process when seeking various methods, and you won't be saddened by its non-disappearance if you really cannot achieve it on your own.

I really think you should seek professional psychological counseling.

And finally, I'd like to sum up with one last thought: be prepared to love and hate your inner child for life.

You can totally do this! Read Irving Yalom's two books and stick with the methods you've found on your own. And if you need a little extra help, don't be afraid to reach out to a professional counselor. They're there for you!

I truly believe that with your own efforts, you will definitely make your life better and better.

I love you, world! And I love you too!

Hello, question asker. I'm Evan.

From what you've shared, it seems like your mother may be projecting her anger and hatred onto you, which has left you deeply affected. It's understandable that you feel a mix of sympathy and distance towards her. It's as if you want to be filial to her, but at the same time, you're also trying to stay away from her because of her negative energy. Could this be an accurate reflection of your relationship with her? It seems like these behaviors might be influenced by your mother's upbringing and personality.

It would be interesting to know whether the questioner's mother instilled in her the relevant concepts since childhood, such as the importance of being filial to one's parents, listening to them, and even tolerating their emotions being transferred onto her. These views are all related to the concepts of the traditional era of the past. They may have been right in the parents' era, when they had to work hard just to survive and information was limited, but now, if they continue to follow the past views, they may be out of touch with the times.

It's possible that the mother's anger and hatred towards the questioner may be influenced by the traditional values of the era, which emphasised the importance of maintaining privacy and confidentiality within the family.

It's possible that the way the questioner's mother treats her is influenced by her upbringing in her original family. When children grow up, they are often influenced by their original family and may believe that parents have absolute authority at home.

It is important to recognize that parents may have different motives behind controlling a child's behavior. Some may be driven by a desire for perfection, while others may be influenced by fear. These behaviors may be perceived as normal by parents, but they can often have unintended consequences, including depression and harm to children.

I would like to offer the OP some encouragement and guidance in understanding the mother's motives.

In light of the question being posed on this platform, I would like to offer some straightforward advice to the author.

It would be helpful to identify the controlling behavior of the mother.

It is possible that the mother may have certain expectations of the questioner, but this does not necessarily indicate that she is a controlling person or a negative parent. A parent who is truly controlling will exhibit specific behaviors.

Some of these methods are more overt, while others are more subtle. Control behavior can take many forms, from direct criticism to indirect threats.

It might be helpful to consider that a mother who displays the following signs may have a strong desire for control:

She may also tend to be overly critical of you, particularly in regard to matters that are not of great consequence, such as your appearance, attitude, or the choices you make.

For example, they might say, "If you don't come home right now, I'll be so upset that I'll regret it for the rest of my life!"

It is possible that the mother is using guilt to influence your behaviour. For instance, she might say, "I was in labour for 18 hours to give birth to you, and now you won't even stay with me for a few hours?"

It might be the case that the mother monitors you or does not respect your privacy. This could manifest as her casually going through the contents of your room or secretly reading the text messages on your phone when you're not looking.

It would be beneficial to gain an understanding of the mother's motives in treating the questioner.

Could I perhaps inquire as to why the mother of the questioner treats the questioner in this way? Is it possible that she can only transfer her hatred for others to the questioner, otherwise she doesn't know who to tell these things to? Was the mother also treated this way by the elders in her family when she was a child? When her emotions are suppressed outside the home, she lets down her guard and pours out her grievances when she gets home?

It seems that the mother may have learned a particular approach to communicating with children from her own family of origin. This approach may have become deeply ingrained in her heart, influencing her interactions within her own family.

It may be the case that she only feels able to release her emotions to those close to her when she is at home, as this is her safe place. Otherwise, she may feel that she is unable to express her feelings.

It would be beneficial to try to understand your mother's motives. This could help you to release your emotions, treat her more calmly, and become more composed.

If the questioner can understand the origin of her mother's behavior patterns, it may help her to realize that her mother is continuing these patterns because they were taught by her original family to treat her own children. It's possible that her mother is not aware of her own behavior, but is there anything to be pitied about?

It may be best to avoid confrontation with your mother.

When faced with behavior from your mother that you find inappropriate or controlling, it may be helpful to consider responding in a way that is not confrontational. If your mother's actions make you feel uncomfortable, you can express your feelings to her in a way that is respectful and does not affect communication.

It might be best to avoid confrontation with your mother, as it could potentially lead to further escalation and make it more challenging to find a resolution.

It is not productive to engage in endless arguments with your mother. When your emotions become intense and hurtful, it is best to disengage from the situation rather than engaging in a fight. You can try leaving when the argument escalates and go to a friend or relative's house to stay temporarily.

It would be beneficial to learn how to deal with your mother's behavior.

It seems that the questioner's mother is attempting to exert control over the questioner's behavior and may be projecting negative energy. It is up to the questioner to decide how to respond. Should the questioner allow his mother to control his every word and action?

Perhaps it would be best to face it bravely. In response to your mother's controlling behavior, it would be helpful to learn to control your emotions and maintain a respectful attitude at all times. This is not to make the questioner unfilial to his mother, but to allow the questioner to face some of her controlling behavior more calmly.

It may be helpful to practice speaking in front of a mirror, maintaining a respectful attitude, and behaving appropriately in response to your mother's controlling behavior. You might also find it beneficial to practice responding to various scenarios based on the different responses your mother may make.

This is the only way she can control the situation more easily in actual combat.

It would be beneficial to focus on your own affairs.

I'm not sure if the questioner is currently living independently. If so, she should be able to control her own life and do many things more easily. In order to deal with her mother's controlling behavior, it might be helpful for the questioner to take control of as many things as she can.

For instance, if your mother is sending you negative energy, you might consider doing something else to distract yourself or trying to find out what she is trying to say and bring it up in advance so that you don't have to be exposed to her constant output. It's possible that when you take control of your own life, you may have some arguments with your mother. You might want to try to fight for your own interests and in many cases, you may have to take responsibility for your own choices.

It might be helpful to accept the reality of the situation.

It is important to recognize that the questioner cannot change her mother's behavior or her way of thinking. This is a reality that must be accepted. While neither the questioner nor her mother can control the other's feelings and thoughts, they can choose to change their attitude towards each other. This can, in turn, influence the other person's attitude towards you.

It might be helpful to remember that you can't necessarily expect your mother to change her personality. Whether and when she chooses to do so is up to her. It can be challenging for us to change other people's minds, especially when they don't think they're in the wrong and don't want to change. In such cases, the only person who can truly effect change is the person themselves.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider ways of strengthening yourself.

Could it be that the mother's actions cause the questioner to feel fear and discomfort because the questioner is not as strong as they could be?

If the questioner is strong enough to escape her mother's influence in everything, might her mother's controlling behavior be less strong? In the face of her mother's controlling behavior, it might be helpful to spend less time with her, rely on her less, set boundaries for yourself and her, and if necessary, seek help from trusted friends as much as possible.

If the mother is controlling the questioner with her words, she could perhaps try telling her how she felt at the time. She might say something like, "I felt that as an independent individual, I didn't have any rights." Or, "I felt that I hadn't grown up yet, that I wasn't an adult, that I was still a child, and that I didn't have any rights."

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It might be helpful to consider setting some boundaries.

It may be helpful to set clear boundaries with your mother and respect each other's boundaries. Agreeing on your mutual personal space and respecting each other could be beneficial. If she is unable to respect this boundary, it may lead to continued controlling behavior, which could make this setting less effective.

If there are issues in your relationship with your mother, you might find it helpful to try some verbal techniques. For example, you could say something like, "I respect your boundaries, but I feel that sometimes my boundaries are not respected by you."

How might we best ensure that our needs are met?

It might be helpful to learn to express your emotions.

It may be helpful to consider ways of releasing the harm caused by the mother's release of negative emotions. It is important to note that this does not imply that the questioner should confront his mother. From a Chinese perspective, this may not align with the expectations of filial piety, and it may not be conducive to maintaining a positive relationship between them in the future.

It is possible that the saying that anger can lead to endless hell may have originated in a Buddhist book. From my personal perspective, it seems that anger can potentially lead to a range of negative behaviors, which in turn could result in significant consequences. It is conceivable that such consequences could be as severe as living in hell.

If the questioner is able to restrain himself and learn how to vent his negative emotions, then I don't think the problem is too significant. An old saying goes: "Filial piety should be judged by deeds, not by the heart." Judging by the heart, no one is perfect. What this means is that when judging someone's filial piety, we should look at their actions, not at their true thoughts. Otherwise, there would be no such thing as filial piety or filial children.

It might be helpful for the questioner to try to release their negative emotions through some sports or hobbies. After releasing their emotions through these activities, their mood will slowly return to calm. It's possible that the mother vents her emotions on the questioner because she doesn't know how to vent her own emotions.

To avoid following in her mother's footsteps, it would be beneficial for the question asker to learn to deal with and release her negative emotions, which would help her to be less affected by her mother.

It might be helpful to consider seeking professional psychological support.

If you are experiencing difficulty in accepting your mother's behavior and feel uncertain about how to communicate with her, you might consider seeking professional psychological support. It may be helpful to connect with a counselor or listener on a psychological platform to express your concerns. These professionals may possess the skills to facilitate more effective communication between you and your mother.

If the school has a psychological counselor, it might be helpful to speak with the teacher as well. They may be able to offer some guidance.

I hope my answer is helpful to the questioner.