I have a clear feeling that he is treating me badly. He gave his boyfriend a first time and doesn't want to break up?

Hello! I'm Zhang Xianli, a psychological counselor with over 10 years of experience. I'm so excited to answer your question!

Loving yourself is a woman's greatest charm! And it's a wonderful thing!

Loving yourself is the absolute best way to enter every relationship! If you don't love yourself enough, you might become dependent and lose your independence in an intimate relationship.

There's absolutely no need to rush into a decision about whether to break up or not! First, focus on growing yourself in this relationship.

It's time to think about whether you love yourself in this relationship. "I'm even reluctant to pay for meals together, and I usually do it anyway." This situation shows that on the one hand, you love the other person and are investing and contributing to the relationship, which is great! But on the other hand, it also shows that your contribution is cultivating the other person's laziness, which is something you can definitely work on.

Now, think about whether this pattern also existed in previous relationships. If it did, you get to think about why that was the case!

Could it be related to an inner sense of worth? Absolutely! When you feel that you are worthy of love and devotion, you will be loved like a little princess!

Sometimes, turning away is also a way to love yourself—and it's a great way to do it!

It's time to re-evaluate the quality of your current relationship! Rituals are a great way to show your partner you care. And don't forget to pay attention to whether the other person is responsible, motivated, and able to emotionally invest in your relationship.

If the other person doesn't care about you that much and even after you communicate, the other person remains indifferent to your needs, then turning away is also an expression of love for yourself. You are still complete, even if you gave him your virginity!

Just because you gave it to someone the first time, it doesn't mean you have to marry them—the world is your oyster!

I really hope my answer helps! I wish you the very best in life!

It is advisable to maintain a certain degree of vigilance before marriage and to become somewhat less discerning after it. My dear child, allow me to embrace you. I have considered your description at length.

Your family is also a traditional one, is it not? Your parents espouse traditional values, and there is an implication of the idea of "until death do us part" in your thoughts and actions. It appears that a woman desires to safeguard the individual with whom she has engaged in sexual intercourse for the remainder of her life.

It must be acknowledged that this is an ideal scenario, and that it may not necessarily reflect reality. One's experiences inevitably shape one's views on love and sex, and it is not possible to achieve a perfect fusion. What one has is simply one's own perception.

The metaphorical image of the bright moon represents the ideal of love and marriage, while the moonlight shining on the ditch symbolizes the reality of your current situation.

From your description, it is evident that you have been treated in a somewhat perfunctory manner. This is the case even before you get married, and this relationship may be perceived as somewhat distasteful.

It is inappropriate to consume it and reluctant to discard it. You did not indicate your desired outcome; perhaps you simply wish to converse, or perhaps you seek guidance on the optimal course of action.

I will respond as if you are seeking guidance on the appropriate course of action.

It is imperative to clarify one's own ideas and needs and to treat relationships with composure. The most crucial aspect for you at this juncture is to ascertain your perspectives on love and marriage.

It is essential to ascertain the type of love you desire and the kind of marriage you envisage for the future. It is important to recognise that not everyone is suited to dating, let alone marriage. Similarly, not everyone is suited to marriage, even if they are a suitable romantic partner.

The potential for compromise or change hinges on the quality of the relationship. Those outside the relationship are unable to provide assistance.

It is therefore essential to gain an understanding of one's own needs. From the description provided, it would appear that you are consistently ambivalent in terms of the sense of ceremony you desire. However, it would be beneficial to consider the other aspects.

In addition to the aforementioned considerations, it is essential to determine whether the individual in question demonstrates genuine concern for the well-being of the object of his affections. Does he exhibit a lack of interest or concern for the other person's welfare?

One might inquire whether such individuals are concerned with those who prioritize ritualistic practices. It is evident that minor occurrences in life are integrated into the minutiae. Does he disregard you when you seek a sense of ritual, or does he ignore you in all aspects of life?

2. The absence of a sense of ritual may indicate an inability to assume the responsibilities associated with romantic relationships. Consequently, it is reasonable to question whether such an individual is suited to the commitment of marriage.

It is important to consider whether the individual in question would be willing to actively participate in the various aspects of family life, including the education of any future children.

One must also consider whether the prospective partner will work hard to provide good living conditions for the couple and their children.

One must refrain from rejecting an individual based on a single instance of attentiveness or lack thereof, or a single instance of romantic behavior or lack thereof. Doing so would result in regret.

Furthermore, it is erroneous to assume that fidelity is a prerequisite for marriage. While the concept of chastity before marriage has been eroded in contemporary society, the notion of fidelity has been reinforced.

It would be erroneous to assume that pre-marital sexual relations are the sole indicator of guardianship.

No action in life is without consequence; each step is significant. Regardless of the ultimate decision, it is my belief that you are ultimately acting in accordance with your deepest aspirations. It is a fallacy to believe in the existence of a perfect person or a perfect love; such a notion is incompatible with the reality of human nature.

One should evaluate an individual's character, acknowledge the reality of circumstances, and seek instances of benevolence and illumination amidst the challenges of life. This represents the essence of existence. It is my sincere hope that you will achieve your aspirations and attain the desired outcome.

Good day. I am Gu Daoxi, also known as Fengshou Skinny Donkey.

Romantic relationships are characterized by a complex interplay of emotions, including sadness and joy. The dissolution of a romantic relationship is similarly intricate, with the majority of individuals experiencing a multifaceted and entangled process. It is uncommon for individuals to abruptly terminate contact after a breakup.

I can empathize with the questioner's feelings. I was previously in a relationship similar to this one. I was aware that continuing to be involved with him would be detrimental to my well-being, yet I was reluctant to simply end it. If I could go back in time, I would undoubtedly advise my former self to end the relationship when it was appropriate to do so.

The questioner is able to discern the depth of the man's affection for the subject.

The other person has catered to your tastes when pursuing you because you have clearly expressed that you like a sense of ritual, which is your favorite language of love. However, this may not be the other person's favorite.

People tend to value those things most highly that they cannot obtain or have already lost. Items that are too inexpensive to acquire may fail to elicit the other person's interest, leading to a lack of attention when the individual is in the presence of the other person.

While spending money on another person is not an optimal way to demonstrate love, if they are not willing to spend money, their love may be perceived as insignificant. Additionally, excessive trivial requests may provide an excuse for the other person to be perfunctory.

Given the inherent bitterness of love, it is perplexing why the questioner does not wish to terminate the relationship.

The power of habit is a significant factor in maintaining relationships. Once individuals become accustomed to the company of their partners, it can be challenging to adapt to life without them. This may contribute to feelings of low mood experienced by many individuals following the dissolution of a romantic relationship.

For couples who were previously very close, the female partner's emotional state may differ. It is possible that she has invested a great deal emotionally and physically in the relationship, and is reluctant to end it. Alternatively, she may feel that she is not good enough for the next relationship, and therefore becomes involved with the wrong person.

The reluctance to relinquish the sincerity initially demonstrated is accompanied by a sense of disillusionment and a perception of the other person as somewhat insincere. The desire to maintain the relationship, despite its unsuitability, is driven by a sense of loss and a reluctance to acknowledge the reality of the situation.

It can be postulated that the inferiority complex within the subject may lead to the conclusion that it is already a positive outcome that someone is interested in the subject, and that the subject has no choice in the matter.

However, it is important to recognize that relationships are not solely based on romantic love. In fact, the majority of relationships are built on the foundation of a mutual desire to spend the rest of one's life with a partner. Even if one is reluctant to end an unsuitable romantic relationship, the reality of marriage often necessitates the acceptance of a less optimal relationship or the acceptance of the consequences of one's decision not to end the relationship, which may prove to be a costly lesson in hindsight.

The questioner's reluctance to break up is attributed to the preponderance of emotion over reason. It is therefore recommended that the questioner adopt an objective stance by stepping outside the emotional framework and offering a reasoned conclusion based on an outsider's perspective.

1. It would be prudent to consider whether you are prepared to spend the remainder of your life in this relationship, accepting the current circumstances, or even a potentially more challenging situation.

2. Would being single be a more disadvantageous situation than being in a relationship?

3. Is it feasible to reestablish a sense of dependence that has been lost due to the lack of attention from the aforementioned individual through the company of others?

4. What is the underlying apprehension that has arisen in your consciousness following your initial separation? Could this apprehension outweigh his apparent lack of attention to you?

"5. Can one's life be managed more effectively after the dissolution of the relationship?"

It is presumed that the questioner has reached a decision and has chosen a course of action. While the dissolution of a relationship is often a painful process, time is a highly effective healer. Best wishes!

Hello, question asker!

From your description, I can see that you are experiencing an inner self-contradiction. However, you also have a very good ability to perceive this uncomfortable emotion and to face it bravely.

You said you've been with your boyfriend for seven months. Before that, he gave you some small romantic gifts, but then he stopped. You've also communicated with him, and things have improved. However, every time it's a holiday, you prepare a gift for him, but he never reciprocates, which makes you feel particularly uncomfortable. But because he's your first boyfriend, you're reluctant towards him. Is that right?

I understand exactly how you feel. Boys and girls think differently. Girls are more emotional and like romantic things. I can also see your disappointment and some contradictions.

I want you to be aware of the fact that your boyfriend is not romantic. What else makes you unhappy when you are with him? And what do you think is the best thing about your boyfriend?

All problems are our resources. We are the experts in solving our own problems. The answers are in your heart. You can clarify what you really want by being aware.

Based on your description, I have some suggestions for you. I am confident that they will help.

First, be more aware and clarify.

As I already said, you need to identify the things that make you happy and the things that don't. Which are more important to you? How long did you and the winter melon get along better after that? You need to be aware of the problem to solve it.

Second, learn to love yourself.

From your description, I can tell you are a very sincere and brave person who expresses his thoughts. You also took the initiative to give her gifts. If you don't get a corresponding response, you need to love yourself more. Give yourself more gifts. When we take our energy away from him and put it on ourselves, our charm really begins. We can only love and be loved when we learn to love ourselves. We can also understand what we really want.

If he really treats you badly and you really can't accept some of his habits, then you will always meet someone who can accept you, love you, and spoil you. You need to learn to improve yourself and love yourself more.

You deserve a boyfriend who makes you happy. If he can't do that, you should leave. Focus on your relationship, his attitude towards you, and his sincerity towards you.

Hello!

I understand how you feel from your description.

You're still in the adolescent stage of a relationship. You've been with your boyfriend for seven months (you're 25, he's 27).

"I liked a sense of ritual, so he gave me gifts and flowers during the courtship."

1. He's experienced, you're innocent. You're gullible. Rituals are fine, but don't make them fixed.

Your description says you need ritual in your relationship. It's like telling a thief to come into your heart.

The seven months should also include the time of courtship, and a few flowers and small gifts during that time. If you don't read the whole description, you will interpret it out of context and portray you as a gold-digger, which is unfair.

3. The situation is all about you. He's trying to please you, and you're caught up in it, like a princess in a fairy tale.

A poor man wins over a princess used to fine food with his appearance and bread.

I see an elaborate emotional scam.

Rituals are good for love, but too many lose their meaning.

I gave him gifts for New Year's and Valentine's, but he said he'd make it up to me next time. I wanted an automatic pencil, but he said it was too cheap. He still didn't give it to me.

He thinks holidays are just a way for businesses to make money. You can sense each other's attitudes.

You'll give him gifts on holidays because of the ritual. This means you've pinned your future on him and are giving of yourself unconditionally.

But he's forgotten the sense of ritual. I think the lack of gifts and paying the bill should've happened after you confirmed the relationship.

Do you want to know what he's thinking? Or do you need to guess? It seems like he thinks you don't need to pay for anything anymore. It's time to enjoy the rewards.

If you want to leave, you won't waste money. He thinks it's cheap. Didn't he do the same when courting you?

You care about him too much, so you don't notice this change. It's also affected by the psychological sense of ritual.

The final description: "I like romance and rituals. It feels like since I got my body, I'm not willing to give it up. It's my first time, so it's hard for me to let go. I feel he's not treating me well, but I can't let go."

It seems like you're trying to hold on to this relationship, especially since you gave him your virginity. My advice is that if you force it, you'll end up getting hurt.

Your giving up will alarm him.

Here are a few suggestions:

One: Leave.

Take a short break, but don't cut ties.

1. This is a way to find out if you're dependent on him, in love, or just not willing to give up. You can also test him and make him pay attention to your good points.

2. After distancing yourself, you can also think about your feelings for him and decide if you want to continue.

2. Psychological

You care a lot about giving him your virginity, but it's in the past. Don't worry or feel tied down. You could say you met the wrong guy at the right time.

You can still choose. Maybe the romantic one is the right person for you.

3. Love and marriage

Sometimes love leads to marriage. You can't be the only one giving. Too much attention and care can make the other person indifferent. Relationships are mutual. You can't take without giving, and you can't keep giving. Moderation is key.

Note: No one can let go of someone without constraints.

This is just for reference.

Hello, my name is Strawberry!

The questioner is really clear about what she wants in a partner. Even before she and her boyfriend confirmed their relationship, she had already told him that she liked a sense of ritual. So during the time he was courting her, the way he behaved made her really happy. Perhaps this was the biggest factor in her agreeing to go out with him!

I'd love to understand why there's such a big difference in the relationship!

During the courtship, the questioner's boyfriend was very attentive and knew how to please her. But after they got together, she noticed that he wasn't willing to pay for dinner when they went out, let alone give gifts. She brought it up again and again, but he seemed a bit perfunctory.

Some folks are really good at pretending. They'll do whatever it takes to meet other people's expectations in order to achieve their goals. But once they've reached their desired outcome, they tend to reveal their true colors. Take, for instance, the boyfriend of the questioner. When she first set out her dating standards, he said he could do it and took action to convince her.

After you two decided to get together, he changed. It can be said that he does not agree with the sense of ritual in the way the questioner likes him, but he does like the questioner, so he is willing to use this method for the questioner. After getting together, he tried to test the questioner's attitude, for example, how the questioner faced and dealt with it when he did not do it. Not having a sense of ritual does not mean not being in love.

I'd love to know what a sense of ritual means to you!

Life is full of rituals, which can be happy and beautiful. But if you expect too much from rituals, it's easy to be disappointed. The questioner's boyfriend used to prepare gifts for her at the beginning because he liked her. Now that he has stopped doing so, she feels a sense of loss and even thinks that he has changed.

Sometimes, actions we take are voluntary, but if they become passive, they can come across as requests. It's important to be mindful of this, as being too forceful can affect the relationship between two people. The questioner and her boyfriend have different views on the sense of ritual. The questioner feels that having a sense of ritual is a sign of love, but her boyfriend feels that it is all a commercial ploy.

Everyone expresses love in different ways, and that's okay! Just because her boyfriend no longer feels a sense of ritual doesn't mean he doesn't love her. It's just that he's not into all this nonsense. She likes a sense of ritual, but just because her boyfriend doesn't like it doesn't mean she has to accommodate him. Everyone has their own pursuits, and that's what makes us all unique! If he doesn't want to take the initiative, then she can just choose for herself and then choose to let him pay. She can decide for herself based on the reality of the situation.

It's so important to avoid the wrong way of getting along.

Once the relationship was confirmed, the boyfriend no longer felt the need for rituals. Despite the questioner's feelings of dissatisfaction, the relationship and the fact that the two have had sex make it challenging for her to let go. The questioner believes that her boyfriend is reluctant to make further sacrifices because he feels he has already given her everything.

When people get along with each other, they'll get to know each other better and better. They'll also act in certain ways to test their partner's attitude. Just like the question asker's boyfriend, he'll use various behaviors to test the question asker. If the question asker always shows an accommodating attitude, it'll lead to her boyfriend not cherishing her and taking advantage of her. So avoid getting into a wrong pattern of getting along with each other.

I'd highly recommend the books "Managing Intimate Relationships," "Nonviolent Communication," and "It Turns Out That Understanding Is More Important Than Love" to the questioner. It would be so helpful for her and her boyfriend to read them together to gain a deeper understanding of each other's inner thoughts. We all know how frustrating it can be when you think you've expressed yourself clearly, but the other person doesn't understand. This is an ineffective form of communication. By learning to understand what love is and how to maintain it, the questioner and her boyfriend can have their own happiness.

I really hope my answer helps the questioner. Sending lots of love!

Dear girl, I read your confession and know you're torn between reluctance and resignation. Let's explore how to deal with it!

Girls like romance and rituals because that's just how women are. Having rituals is a good habit. They'll make memories feel more special and help you bond with your partner.

2. You and your boyfriend have a ritual. He created it when he wooed you, but he hasn't continued to do so. You're even at the point where you don't offer to pay the bill when you eat out. You're unhappy about this, and you don't know if you want to continue the relationship.

You have to decide for yourself. You chose him because you value him as your boyfriend. But problems still arise. What do you do?

Does all this ceremony cost money?

There's still a sense of ritual. It may cost less, but it's created with your own hands and actions. Is this part of the ritual heartfelt? Look at your boyfriend. Apart from the ritual of spending money, has he ever given you a heartfelt ritual?

Does he care about you? Does he remember what you say? Does he remember your preferences? Does he fight for you? Think about what attracted you to him. Are those qualities still there?

When it comes to staying with someone, you have to see if you can put up with their lowest point.

Observe him and think about whether you can put up with his lowest point. If you can, stay; if not, move on.

3. You feel he's not committed since he got you. You're a first-timer, so it's hard to let go. You feel he's not treating you well, but you can't let go.

First love is precious, as is the first night. Distinguish whether you are reluctant to let go of this person or your first time.

Sometimes girls think they can't let go of their youth. If he's not treating you well, why can't you let go?

Girls should love themselves and calm down. Think about it! You don't have to love him to be happy. Thank you.

Hello! I'll give you a warm hug from afar first, and it'll be like a big, warm hug from a friend!

I'm thrilled to see that you've reached out for help! I'm here to support you and I'm excited to share some tips that I think will really help. I also applaud you for being aware of the discomfort you feel in your current relationship with your boyfriend and for recognizing that you have mixed feelings about whether or not to end it.

From your description, it's clear that your boyfriend's behavior and mannerisms have made you feel hurt, especially when you've told him what you need in an intimate relationship but he hasn't responded the way you expected. It's understandable that you feel a strong sense of grievance and anger at not being understood, valued, respected, or loved. But you didn't tell him your true feelings directly at that moment. What are you afraid of?

For example, being rejected and denied. What does this mean to you? Does it mean that you are not good enough? Absolutely not!

It's true! How others treat you is often shaped by you. And the way you treat yourself will influence how others respond to you. So, it's important to have a positive attitude and respond to being hurt in a way that encourages others to treat you well.

And when faced with being hurt, the knot that troubles you and prevents you from bravely choosing to leave decisively is that your first time was taken by him. Your subconscious mind wants to give your first time to the person who can accompany you for the rest of your life. Otherwise, it may mean that you are a casual person, and you may be disliked because of this. But you are not a casual person! You are worthy of a relationship that will last a lifetime. You cannot accept such a self, can you?

Believe it or not, you were ready to throw your life into the hands of this guy! And you listened to your body, too. You can't predict the future, so you might as well live in the moment!

So, accepting and allowing yourself to easily have a relationship with him at that moment is a great thing! It doesn't mean you're a casual woman. It just shows you're a person who is simple enough, has extreme trust in him, and wants to establish a harmonious and happy intimate relationship with him. What do you think?

The good news is that compared to the happiness of your whole life, the first time you easily give up teaches you how to better love and protect yourself, and how to better know and understand a person. So, this is a lesson you need to learn in life to prevent you from being hurt again in the future. What do you say?

I highly recommend reading "How to Become a Better Version of Yourself After a Breakup."

I'm Lily, the little Q&A Museum listener, and I just love the world and all of you!