I just had a baby three years after getting married, and I feel like I'm being looked down upon. What should I do?

First of all, it's clear from what you've said that you're feeling a little confused. You've just had a baby, and the physical changes and the birth of a child have also led to the breakdown of the original family structure with the addition of a new person.

The environment has changed, and everyone's mood has changed with it. You can feel your husband and mother-in-law's changes, which can make you feel uncomfortable. This is a very normal feeling. In this stage and state, as you said, just forget about it!

First, you should be prepared to put up with it and devote yourself to feeding and caring for your child, to getting back in shape and to learning.

Second, we have high expectations of others. We expect our husbands to care for us unconditionally, and we expect our mothers-in-law to treat us with respect and consideration. Why do we have these expectations?

Because love and expectation go hand in hand, you love the members of your family, and essentially you are also maintaining a sense of order within you. Whether or not this situation exists, your sense of self-worth is too low, and when your self-worth is too low, you will use your sensitive brain to make bold assumptions, and then take those assumptions as facts.

Finally, I suggest that you learn to accept yourself first. You've become a great mother and are now nourishing your lovely child. You're doing a great job. At the same time, be bold in expressing your expectations and talking to your husband about your feelings. Start with the truth of your innermost thoughts, and you'll find that nothing is impossible, and everything will be resolved.

Hello, question asker!

Reading your post, I can tell you're going through a lot right now. You just gave depression/can-you-say-happy-birthday-to-me-10660.html" target="_blank">birth two months ago, and your husband's attitude towards you makes you feel that he doesn't care and that he dislikes you. You feel very frustrated inside, and you feel very aggrieved and suffocated at this time when you feel disrespected. Your mother-in-law is also very dominant in her speech, always emphasizing that you married into such an advantageous family that you must have cultivated good karma for three lifetimes. Faced with these attitudes from your family, you feel very depressed inside. But you're going to get through this! You're a strong woman, and you're going to come out of this stronger than ever.

Your in-laws' home is a wonderful place to be! It's great that you have such good material conditions. It's a shame that they don't respect you, and your husband doesn't understand your inner feelings. This can make you feel lost and helpless. You've always been tolerant in the face of your husband's male chauvinism, which can make you feel depressed. But deep down, you really want to prove yourself and not let them look down on you!

Is that right?

I'd love to know if you're currently on maternity leave or have been at home since your marriage. You mentioned that you haven't recovered from giving birth, your body shape has changed, and you don't have an income. How do you feel and think about your current body shape?

The fact that you don't have an income seems to be a bit of a challenge, but it's also an opportunity for growth and change!

You may feel sad sometimes, but you're an amazing mother! You worry about your milk supply, but you're doing your best to adjust your mood. You're a great mom, and you take care of yourself. You're in control, and you love your body!

Dear questioner, I want to give you a hug. I don't know if you've married far away from home, and I don't know if you have a close girlfriend by your side to provide emotional support. It's really hard. It's really great that you can come to Yi Xinli to ask questions. Thank yourself for taking care of and caring for yourself. [Take good care of yourself and care for yourself] In the book "A Lesson for Moms' Hearts," child psychiatrist Winnicott wrote that carrying a child for ten months and breastfeeding is a huge sacrifice and important contribution that mothers make to the whole of humanity.

I also breastfeed, and I know how difficult it is. Only a mother knows how much effort it takes to breastfeed. That little tongue can peel off a layer of skin, not to mention getting up every two hours day and night to feed, and the embarrassment of getting soaked through when your breasts are engorged. For the sake of your baby's health, you have to eat a lot of tasteless food that promotes milk production. Family support is important, of course, but so is emotional support. As the saying goes, "Happy wife, happy life." That is, if the wife is happy, the whole family will be happy.

You are responsible for carrying on the family line for your husband, so your happiness and joy are of course more important.

[Make a good life plan] Every woman should study the recent hot topic of Wang Baochuan, the wild vegetable queen. It's not just that a love brain is unacceptable; a housewife brain is even more so. You don't need to achieve success through sacrifice, except for yourself. Men and women are equally responsible for raising children. Men can't give birth to children, but after the child is born, they can completely bathe, feed, and change the diapers of the child.

[Boost your self-esteem and bring your marriage to a new level]

I believe that the primary source of your unhappiness is your feeling of being "not accepted." Marrying someone is like transplanting a tree: you cut it down from one tree and plant it in another. Some people are unable to make their in-laws feel like family, while others, even in their seventies and eighties, still argue about going back to their birth families.

Giving birth hurts your vital energy and self-esteem. This is no joke. Traditional Chinese medicine says sadness hurts the spleen, and worries about the future are stored in the spleen meridian. In addition to feelings of inferiority, you may also feel a lack of courage to defend yourself, timidity, weakness, a lack of drive, dependence on others (seeking confirmation and approval), a lack of security, a feeling of hopelessness, worry, doubt, and fear of the future. If you feel inferior, you have the power to change your life right now.

To accomplish this task, you must replace low self-esteem with total self-esteem, assertiveness, defending yourself, setting boundaries, and completely calmly facing the fact that some people may feel you are selfish. Stop seeking approval from the outside and have complete confidence in the future.

You must do a proper postpartum month. Otherwise, you will suffer from urinary retention. To breastfeed, you need to drink a lot of water, which will cause dampness in the body. Calculate the time you should have given birth in the middle of summer. If you accidentally turned on the air conditioner at that time, there will still be cold energy in your body. Poor sleep at night will increase the burden on the bladder meridian (a sense of insecurity). Therefore, postpartum conditioning, sweating, and moisture elimination are very important.

[Exercises for you]

Relax, close your eyes, and breathe in and out deeply and slowly until all the muscles in your body are completely relaxed. Then focus on the situations that make you feel like you have no self-esteem. You have the power to change this. When you don't stand up for yourself, when you feel threatened, when you feel like you don't have control over your own strength, when you are afraid to set boundaries, you can choose to do something different.

Tap the dàbāo (large intestine) point rhythmically while visualizing what would be different in your behavior. You will react differently. You will say different things.

You need to know what qualities you need to act that way and feel good about yourself. Visualize that you are using these qualities and effortlessly doing what you would rather do.

Affirm the following:

In all situations, I love and accept myself. My self-worth and self-esteem are growing every day.

I choose to grasp my own power and set the boundaries of my writing more and more accurately, now and forever.

I am listening coach Zhang Huili. You are welcome to come and talk to me, and you are welcome to join the platform of One Psychology to learn more about psychology. It will benefit you, your children, and your return to the workplace after the breastfeeding period ends. The world and I love you.

Hug the questioner! I feel for you, because I've been there too. I've had similar feelings and experiences, so I understand you. I hope my answer can help you in some way.

Reading about all this, it reminds me of the time after I gave birth to my child. I felt the same way as you. Looking back, I think it was partly the influence of postpartum hormones, which caused some postpartum depression, and partly the feeling of worthlessness. It was precisely because of this feeling of worthlessness that I wanted so much to be respected by my husband and mother-in-law, but they were not the kind of people who would express their care and respect, so I was very frustrated. Don't worry, everything will be fine. You can first see if you have postpartum depression and whether you need to make some physical adjustments. In addition, regarding the feeling of worthlessness, this is the key area that we need to adjust. It took me a few years to gradually establish a sense of inner worth. Now my husband and mother-in-law haven't changed much, but because my sense of worth has improved, I don't get so easily agitated and angry by their actions and approaches.

Absolutely! We all need to adjust ourselves from time to time. When we change ourselves, our whole world will change for the better!

I really want to help you, so here's my advice:

1. You can try expressing your feelings and needs to your mother-in-law and husband instead of keeping them inside. The more you keep them inside, the harder it will be.

Like my husband and mother-in-law, expressing their true feelings and needs actually used to require a lot of courage for me. I know it may not be easy for you either, but I promise you it'll be worth it! I found that it is really very effective, both for improving the relationship with each other and for relieving your own negative emotions.

For example, I used to get upset by my husband's behavior, but I was afraid to say anything. I didn't want to be perceived as being too sensitive, and I was afraid that he would think I was overreacting and dislike me. But I didn't say anything, and it was really hard to keep it inside. I would get angry and lose my temper at him.

So later, my husband was really supportive and encouraged me to say, "You need to say it, otherwise I won't know what you're thinking." I totally get it, it can be really frustrating when you feel like you're not being heard. So, I've learned to communicate honestly and openly with my husband, even about the little things. I express my feelings, needs, and requests, and it's made us feel so much closer and more comfortable in our relationship.

Later on, I started using this approach in all kinds of relationships. When I felt like my mother-in-law didn't respect me, I'd talk to her about how I needed her to understand and respect me more. When I felt like my dad didn't recognize me enough, I'd tell him how I needed him to recognize me more. Through these experiences, I really learned that it's so important to learn to express your feelings and needs in relationships. This is also really good for your physical and mental health. It'll make you feel more relaxed and comfortable in the relationship, and there'll be less speculation and complaints.

So, from now on, you can try expressing your true feelings and needs. You need their respect, so just say it! Tell them exactly what they need to do so that they can understand you better and know how to help you.

2. It's also important to remember your own value during this special time with your little one.

It's so important to remember that a woman who stays at home to take care of her children and family is just as valuable as a working woman. From the perspective of the balanced development of the whole family, it's often easier for a man to earn money than a woman, and he can earn more.

And let's not forget that not every man will look down on a wife who stays at home full-time. Many husbands are very grateful for their wives' dedication. Lin Zhiying is a great example of this. He treats his wife with great respect and is very grateful for her support.

It's not about trying to find a balance between family and career. It's about finding a happy point that promotes the harmonious development of the whole family. If your husband is behind you 100% and the whole family needs you to be a full-time stay-at-home mom, then you can rest assured that you can stay at home to take care of your precious children and family during the years when they need you the most.

It's so important to recognize the value in taking care of our children and family. We need to remember that we are doing a great job! And it's okay to see our own importance. We also need to see that we are only temporarily a full-time wife. We can still return to the workplace in the future, and that's a great thing!

However, when we stay at home full-time, it's still really important for us to be able to maintain our independence as individuals. Being at home full-time doesn't mean that we're not motivated to improve ourselves and enhance our abilities.

Even though we're not bringing in any money right now, it's still really important that we have the ability to do so. That way, even if we don't have anyone to rely on in the future, we'll still be able to rely on ourselves.

And, remember, being a full-time mom is just a phase, mostly the years before the child goes to kindergarten. It's a special time, and we need to value this job of ours. Raising a child is a particularly meaningful job.

Children are here to help us grow, to grow and learn together with them, to gain wisdom and experience the wonders of life.

Before my kids started kindergarten, I was a stay-at-home mom. I know you're feeling the same way I did — lots of confusion and doubts! But here's the thing: as long as we see the value in taking care of our little ones and our families, and as long as we're open to developing our interests, growing our minds and abilities, and staying connected to the world, we can absolutely go back to work and find a healthy balance between family and career. I'm living proof of that now, with my kids in primary school and I'm able to focus more on my work.

As we go through life, our focus naturally shifts from one stage to the next. When we understand the main challenge of each stage and focus on the most important task at hand, it can bring a sense of calm and purpose to our hearts.

3. I've got some great tips for you to boost your self-worth and build inner strength!

I've got five little phrases that I think you'll find really helpful for boosting your self-worth.

I see you! We all like to be seen because when someone is seen, they feel they exist.

It's so important to remember that the little child in your heart also needs to be seen. She needs to be seen making an effort, giving, not having it easy, and feeling all kinds of emotions. If you don't even see her, who else will you expect to see you?

You are so valuable! Give yourself some love every day and tell yourself what you've done well. By doing this, you'll see your self-worth grow and grow!

You are one of a kind! We're all imperfect, but we're all special in our own way. There's only one of you in this world. You have your own unique traits and qualities. You might not be the smartest or the most attractive, but you have a life experience, education background, and upbringing that's all your own. That makes you one-of-a-kind!

You are contributing to your family, your children, and your friends in ways that are within your means and make their lives better because of you.

When you do these small things, you'll get to feel from their feedback that you can contribute to the people you love. And when you can experience this feeling, your self-worth is already improving!

You belong here, and we need you here, my friend. Just as an airplane cannot fly without a part, we cannot do without you.

In a family, each person plays a special role. You might be the husband, the wife, or even the children! It's important to remember that no matter how limited your abilities are, your family needs you and you belong in your family.

You can say these five sentences to yourself often, or you can print them out and put them in a place at home where you can see them often. This will help you feel more confident in yourself and stronger inside.

And there's more! You can also make a habit of writing down three good things every day. Just get a small diary and before bed, jot down the three things you're most grateful for from your day. Then, in the morning, read your list again and soak in all the amazing things you did the day before.

I promise you, if you keep at it for at least three months, you'll feel so much better about yourself! You'll be appreciating yourself all the time, during those two natural hypnotic periods before bed and when you first wake up.

I hope this is helpful for you! Wishing you the best!

Give the questioner a hug. You have just given birth to a child, and you are now a mother. It is normal to feel a little uncomfortable at first, but you will adjust to your new role.

You came to the platform to write out your thoughts, and I know everyone's answer will comfort you.

I am also a mother. I know the joy and confusion of being a new mother well. I was once in your shoes, and I know how it feels. It is easy to magnify the uncomfortable things people say and the way they do things, which can cause double the distress. I am here to tell you that you can overcome this. We can try to think or do things this way to see if it can ease your anxiety.

1. Your husband is a male chauvinist with a bad temper and not very good at expressing himself. Has he always been like this since you met?

Tell me, did this start after you gave birth? If it was like this when you met him, did you discuss this issue with him before?

Tell him! Even if you feel a little uncomfortable, don't just put up with it. If you don't solve minor problems, they may gradually develop into major ones, and it will be more difficult to change them then.

If this is only the case after you gave birth, tell him to stop being so forceful when the baby is noisy.

Think back and find some patterns. It will be easier to understand your husband's character and deal with it. If the way he talks makes you feel uncomfortable, tell him. If you don't say anything, he may think it's no big deal and it won't hurt you, and he'll treat you in the same way in the future.

2. You say your mother-in-law speaks very forcefully. Look at it this way: she is naturally forceful.

Or is she only strong with you? If she is like this with other people, it is due to her personality, perhaps a sense of superiority from a privileged family background, or the result of career success. With such people, it is best not to confront them. If there is anything that is likely to cause conflict, let your husband say or do it. After all, husbands are meant to play a bridging role in the relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law.

If she is very humble with other people, she is just very strong with you. She may be right. In this marriage between you and your husband, the mother-in-law feels a sense of superiority. This sense of superiority may be due to the difference in your family backgrounds, or the fact that your income from work is much lower than your husband's. It may also be that she is afraid that you will take away her son, and a natural sense of hostility makes her stay strong and exert overwhelming control over you, in case her son is taken away.

If it's one of the first two situations, it's not easy to change. If you also have to work and focus more on the family and children, it's also more difficult to surpass your husband in your career. This requires you to communicate with your husband and let him play a coordinating role. This is what I think. The more your husband values you, the more say you have. If your husband treats you lightly, then his family will also be arrogant.

If it is the latter, it can be changed. She will feel that she has not only not lost her son, but also gained a daughter. People are all made of flesh and blood, and time will tell.

3. You say your husband is still busy, but I can tell you're ambivalent. You appreciate his help, but you also dislike his attitude.

It's normal to feel overwhelmed and panicky after giving birth. You're new to being a parent, and it's a big change. This can make you more sensitive and suspicious. You need to have a positive attitude. You need to believe that things are done one thing at a time. First, focus on doing things well, taking good care of the baby, and getting your health back. You can ignore the unpleasant things people say for now. Your husband and mother-in-law will never want anything but the best for you and the baby.

Once you're recovered, you'll need to work. Your child will also require your mother-in-law's care. For your child's sake, be patient. It's your duty as a parent to ensure your child's well-being.

4. You feel bad, suffocated, and aggrieved. You need to communicate with your husband and let him know how you feel. If you feel bad, you may suffer from postpartum depression. You need to tell him how serious it is.

If you can't talk to him yourself, tell him through a doctor, your friends, or his friends. This is crucial for taking care of the emotions of the new mother.

If you can't get along with your mother-in-law, you need to address it. I believe your husband will pay attention to this issue. When he values it and has the willingness to improve, he will take the initiative to improve your relationship with your mother-in-law. This is the best way, but things like this don't happen overnight. It takes time and a process.

5. Change your mindset, live in the present, and do things that make you happy. Ignore your mother-in-law's nagging. Go to a movie you've been wanting to see, listen to music, do yoga, take your baby to mom-and-baby activities, make friends, and listen to other families' stories. You'll see your situation isn't as bad as you think. Happiness is a matter of comparison. Your mindset determines everything.

I am confident that this will be helpful to you. I wish you all the best as a mother.

Hello!

The questioner is confused and upset about these relationships. She feels frustrated, trapped, angry, sad, and hurt.

"Forget it, take care of yourself" is a good attitude to have. We don't have to suppress our emotions and deal with problems by enduring them.

People have different opinions online about how women are valued today.

Money is often seen as a way to prove self-worth, but it can also be stressful.

You want to get out of the predicament of being disrespected. Consider how to deploy resources to do something for yourself.

As a mother, you may find there are mother and baby groups that need products.

It's okay if you haven't regained your pre-baby figure. We can turn pressure and responsibility into new abilities.

Your state of mind should come from the female community.

When you feel accepted, you may be less afraid of your husband and mother-in-law. You will have the confidence to do what you want and say what you want.

Bless you and your baby.

I'm Qinling, a certified psychologist. I greet you and my three cats at home.

Hello. I'm happy to share my views.

You described feeling ignored, afraid to express yourself, and held in a hug.

Your husband is a male chauvinist and you feel unappreciated and disrespected. This makes sense to me and you have expressed it very clearly.

"My husband is a male chauvinist with a bad temper. I can't accept his attitude, but I've put up with it."

Some people use their bad temper as an excuse for not caring about other people's feelings. This is wrong. Having a bad temper is not the same as losing your temper at others all the time. The former is a personality trait, but the latter is a matter of character.

People with bad tempers don't lose their temper at their leaders. A sane adult thinks about the consequences of their actions. If he often loses his temper at you and treats you badly, it means he doesn't care about you or thinks you can accept it.

Sometimes "forbearance" in marriage makes sense. But just as kindness without teeth is weakness, tolerance without a bottom line is condoning.

If your tolerance and forbearance don't make the other person grateful and want to change, what's the point? Is it just to get on with your life?

But can you really put up with it forever? What if you can't anymore, but they don't care?

Don't use tolerance and forbearance as an excuse to avoid facing things.

"I'm feeling suffocated, my mood is bad, I don't feel respected, and I feel discriminated against."

We hope everything goes well and we meet nice people. But life is not always fair, so we have to stand up for ourselves. When we feel disrespected, we must speak up and explain why. If the other person cares about you, they will listen and make changes. If they always use excuses to justify themselves, it shows they don't value you.

I want to cry, but I can't. I'm afraid that if I cry, I'll stop breastfeeding. I feel worthless and helpless. What should I do?

Do you say "just forget it" when you're angry? Know what you're doing when you forgive or tolerate.

Know if you're tolerant of conditions or compromising without boundaries. Know if you're avoiding things.

I'm Xiao Dong, a counselor. Have a happy life!

Good morning, forum moderator.

A mother who has recently given birth to a baby is experiencing fatigue and has not yet recovered, in addition to caring for a young child. This is a challenging period, and she requires the support of her family.

However, you are not only facing indifference from your husband, but also from your mother-in-law. It seems that they only see you as an object, not a woman with emotional needs. In this family, you are isolated and helpless, bearing humiliation and injustice, with nowhere to turn to.

You desire a warm and loving home environment.

From your description, it seems that the mother-in-law's strong personality and the husband's male chauvinism are their character traits. People with these types of personalities may like to control others and belittle others to show their superiority, lack concern for other people's feelings, and speak harshly without thinking.

Your tolerance may be meeting their psychological needs. This could explain why they resort to verbal attacks and you withdraw.

While temporarily tolerating others may appear to protect you from harm and make the relationship less conflictual, the accumulated frustration will ultimately have a detrimental impact on your physical and mental health.

I am pleased to see that you have also recognized the need to prioritize your own well-being. How might you go about doing so?

In light of the current situation, I believe there are two courses of action you can take. Firstly, you should express your feelings and needs in a confident manner. As an individual, you have the right to demand respect from others, express your needs, and speak your mind. By doing so, you are also respecting yourself.

It is not possible to solve the problem by simply enduring or compromising. The foundation of a successful marriage is equality, not compromise.

A house can only withstand the elements if its foundation is strong. Similarly, in order to maintain a healthy and productive relationship, it is essential to address the underlying reasons for the fear of expressing and asserting one's dignity.

You feel that you have no income, your figure has changed, and you are living a useless life. You lack a sense of worth.

If you are experiencing feelings of inferiority, it is important to recognize that these feelings are temporary and not a result of any personal shortcomings. The first step is to accept these feelings and then identify opportunities for personal growth and change.

First and foremost, from a cognitive standpoint, within this familial structure, you are the hostess, and the responsibilities of child-rearing and domestic work are of equal value to those of financial gain. When your husband selected you, he must have been drawn to your strengths.

Then, enhance your sense of self-worth. You may pursue any avenue you deem valuable.

If you live your life as yourself, you will establish your own boundaries and be less susceptible to others' actions that could potentially diminish your sense of self-worth. You will be less concerned with the opinions of others.

The process may be lengthy and challenging, but the outcome will undoubtedly be more favorable. Additionally, you can gain insights on effective marriage management and identifying and fulfilling your husband's needs.

The topic is lengthy, so I will conclude here for today.

I wish you the best of luck in resolving this situation. It represents an opportunity for personal growth.