I really feel like I'm in prison; how can I handle the suffocating intimacy with my mother?

Dear questioner, Thank you so much for your question. I'm really glad you asked it.

I can really relate to your question. I can feel your pain and anger, and I can see how you're feeling depressed.

1. About your mother.

From what you've told me, it's clear that your mom really needs you and can't live without you, right?

You mentioned that when you were a child, your mother would go through your schoolbag and peek at your diary and rummage through your drawers. It's so understandable that you feel like she's still all over the place, fixing things in your new house. It's a big change! The house is full of smart devices, and because you were away at the time, the renovation of the new house was monitored using a camera. It's so hard moving into a new place! The first unpleasant thing after moving in was that your mother monitored you through the camera to see if you turned off the lights at home. It's natural to want to keep an eye on your kids, but it can feel a bit like they're under a microscope. Later, you turned off the camera. After a while, she went crazy again and rang the doorbell to see if you had gone grocery shopping or ordered takeaway. Then she looked at the lights in the house to see what you were doing. It's so hard when our loved ones worry about us, isn't it? The day before yesterday, the router at home broke, causing all the devices to go offline. She then called you again and asked you about it, saying that she was concerned about you. I really felt like I was in prison. This part,

It's okay to feel this way. Your mother must love you because she cares about your diet and daily life, but you feel suffocated and in pain, right? You have even done things like rebel, refuse, and live on your own, right?

Questioner: I can see you're feeling really torn between your mother's love and control. It's totally normal to feel more and more painful and unable to help yourself, right?

2. Now, let's talk about your mother's control.

It's totally okay to feel this way. It's natural to have conflicting feelings when it comes to our mothers. They love us unconditionally, but we also want to be independent. It's a tricky balance, but you're doing great!

Our minds may say, "Your mother loves and cares for you so much! How can you reject her? How can you have a conflict with her?"

Oh, don't you think you'd feel a little ashamed? Just wait a moment.

It's true that a lot of this way of thinking comes from what other people say to us. When we're still confused, it's easy to accept everything without thinking.

In the wonderful book "Healing the Hidden Abuse," it is said:

It's so important to recognize that "mental violence" (including things like brainwashing, entanglement, belittling, slander, and control) and "emotional violence" (including cold violence such as ignoring, isolating, throwing tantrums, and refusing to communicate, as well as hot violence such as radical behaviors like threats, intimidation, and destroying objects) all fall under the category of psychological abuse.

Let's say someone is restricting your freedom of movement. You have to report where you've been, where you're going, what you're doing, who you're going with, and for how long. All the details of your movements have to be repeatedly clarified, verified, and compared with him to prove that you're not out of his control. He might even check your phone and call records, take your phone, throw away your clothes, and not let you go out. It's a lot to deal with!

The most important first step in terms of control is, of course, recognition. It's so great that you've already recognized it!

Next, you'll probably realize that the controlling relationship is a dance for two. When the person being controlled or the controller no longer wants to dance this dance step, the controlling relationship can slowly come to an end. I used the word "slowly" because I wanted to make it clear that it takes time to break through those inner patterns.

It's tough to change our original inner patterns, so it'll take a little time.

I know it can be tough, but I promise you, taking it slow is the best way to make big changes in your life.

3. I'd like to talk about the depression the OP used to suffer from and the frequent emotional breakdowns she experiences now.

I hear you. I know it can be really tough to handle this relationship. It can even trigger your depression and cause you to have a breakdown.

The book "Healing Hidden Abuse" also mentions:

If you're struggling with any of these feelings, it's important to reach out. Whether it's self-doubt, self-loathing, fatigue, helplessness, anxiety, learned helplessness, or even depression and suicidal thoughts, it's okay to ask for help. There are people around you and professionals who can support you. Don't hesitate to reach out.

I can see you're going through a lot right now. It might help to try to separate from your mother a little.

It's so important to be able to separate from our mothers when we become adults. If we can't do that, we might find ourselves in a really difficult situation.

So, it's still really important to keep going to counseling and to use your counselor as a tool to break free from this co-dependent relationship.

You know, there's no such thing as a "problem person." It's all about the relationships we have. It's likely that your depression and feelings of being on the verge of a breakdown are tied to this relationship pattern with your mother.

Whether it's depression or an emotional breakdown, they are actually reactions made by your instinct of survival. So, you just need to respond to the call of your instinct of survival, my friend.

I really hope these answers help you. I love you so much, and so does the world.

Hi, I'm Strawberry.

Your mother's controlling love is suffocating. She went through your schoolbag and peeked in your diary and drawers. You thought this was love, but you felt disrespected and invaded.

When you were young, you couldn't get away from your mother's controlling behavior. After you grew up, you thought you were free, but she was still watching you.

She is monitoring you. She thinks she is doing what is best for you, but children find it offensive when parents say, "I'm doing this for your own good, so you must do what I want."

I don't know how to handle this.

1. Distraction

The questioner is an only child. Since birth, your mother has focused all her attention on you. This was wrong. She thought it was for your own good, but she didn't know you were afraid of her.

She paid attention to you because she was afraid you had secrets. She used her own methods to observe you. Perhaps no one ever told her this was wrong, so she kept doing it.

When you were born, she was a mother in a daze. She has been learning how to be a good mother to you. She is not aware of the harm her behavior has caused you.

Can you distract her by focusing on other family members or letting her do more of what she wants?

2. Be more tolerant and understanding.

No matter how old we are, our parents still see us as children. They worry that we don't need them anymore. So they try to keep our attention. But really, they want us to see that they're still important to us.

Sometimes we want to look at the camera. This is not wrong. It is just a way of checking on someone you care about. As long as it is safe, you can relax. I think your mother is the same, but she has been treating you differently with the camera. This makes you feel like you don't have any privacy.

Tell your mother how you feel. She'll only change when she knows how her behavior affects you.

3. Learn with your mother.

The questioner and her mother have always had problems, but neither of them has tried to change things. Now that the questioner is an adult, she can make a change.

Your mother is your mother, and you can't stay away forever. When you get along, you'll talk about the past. What happened, happened. You just have to face it and work through it.

The questioner and his mother can learn about psychology and use it to solve their problems. If possible, they can also go to counseling to understand how to start solving their problems. Only by solving them one by one can their relationship change.

I hope this helps.

Greetings, my name is Xiang Er.

After reading your account, I can comprehend your sentiments. Your mother's affection for you has become a restrictive force, engendering the perception that she is exerting control and surveillance over you. This confining sensation is akin to a burdensome mountain, precipitating a state of acute distress. You are driven to seek emancipation from this predicament.

From the perspective of the questioner, the mother's behavior is perceived as "extreme" and "crazy." However, Helene is able to discern the underlying fear and anxiety, namely the fear of separation and of not existing. The question then arises as to the origin of this emotion. Let us examine this together.

1. The absence of communication between parents and children

"When I was young, my mother would frequently inspect my belongings, including my school bag, diary, and personal items in my drawers." It is unclear when this behavior began. Could it have been during adolescence?

It is postulated that from that time on, communication between you and your mother became less frequent, and eventually ceased. Your mother was unable to ascertain the nuances of your experiences and emotions. She endeavoured to comprehend your state of mind through her own lens, which proved to be misguided. She failed to recognise the necessity for respect, personal space and the establishment of boundaries with you.

2. The mother experiences feelings of insecurity.

It is possible that your mother was already experiencing feelings of loneliness. During your childhood, you were dependent on your mother due to your limited abilities, and the bond between you provided her with a sense of security and companionship.

As children mature, they develop their own thoughts, identities, occupations, residences, and families. These changes may remind mothers that they are no longer the primary source of care and attention for their children. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and a fear of being abandoned, particularly if the mother has been the primary caregiver throughout the child's life. These feelings are similar to the separation anxiety experienced by adults in new social situations.

She may make statements such as, "I'm not coming to see you anymore" or "I don't care about you anymore," which are likely intended to prompt a response from you in order to maintain her sense of companionship and importance.

3. Fear of separation

"She checks whether I've purchased groceries or ordered takeout by ringing the doorbell, and then she checks what I'm doing by switching the lights on and off. The day before yesterday, the router malfunctioned, resulting in the devices becoming offline. Consequently, she contacted me to inquire about the situation. If I fail to respond, she promptly calls to ascertain the status of the devices at home. These actions demonstrate that your mother is profoundly concerned about your well-being and her ability to contact you. She is particularly worried about your dietary habits and the potential consequences of your reliance on takeout. If she is unable to reach you or receive updates from you, she experiences a heightened sense of distress, fearing that something may have happened to you. This behavior not only restricts your autonomy but also evokes the panic she feels when she cannot locate you. She is acutely concerned about your safety and well-being. Could this also be related to your past experience with depression?

4. The relationship between your parents

In the information provided thus far, there has been no mention of the father. Could the relationship between the mother and father also be a source of fear and anxiety for her?

It can be reasonably assumed that regardless of the nature of the relationship between your mother and father, your mother's attention was primarily directed towards you. If your father was still alive, it is probable that he also experienced a sense of neglect. Alternatively, it is possible that your mother felt a similar sense of neglect.

It can be reasonably inferred that the mother in question wishes to maintain a close and protective relationship with her child, and is concerned that the child may eventually leave her.

5. Mother's Family of Origin and Past Experiences

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether the mother in question had a challenging upbringing. Additionally, it would be insightful to determine whether she has previously experienced instances of abandonment.

It is also possible that the subject has experienced the death of a loved one, which may have caused her to develop an aversion to parting.

It is therefore necessary to determine how these fears and anxieties can be dispelled. It is believed that with your participation, these negative emotions can be overcome relatively quickly. Enjoy! A little advice

1. Enhance communication between parent and child.

It is recommended that the individual take the initiative to inform their mother of their circumstances and refrain from avoiding the subject of their emotions.

2. Companionship and Acceptance

It is acknowledged that your mother's behaviour has a negative effect on your emotional state. However, it is possible that displaying resistance and rejection may intensify her feelings of vulnerability and cause her to focus her attention on you, which could potentially exacerbate your negative emotions.

It is therefore recommended that you accept and accompany her, thus relieving her anxiety and fear and allowing you to release your own emotions.

3. Encourage your mother to pursue her own interests and activities.

The primary reason for the mother's numerous irksome behaviors is her exclusive focus on the child. She lacks a life of her own.

It would be beneficial to encourage your mother to make new friends and expand her social circle. There are a number of potential avenues for her to pursue.

One may consider learning to dance in a square. This activity offers the benefits of exercise, relaxation, and the opportunity to meet new individuals.

One potential avenue for socialization is joining a community center.

One may also pursue the acquisition of new knowledge or abilities through online resources. This may entail learning to prepare novel culinary dishes or engaging in modest craft activities.

Other interests that other mothers may have include:

It is my hope that the aforementioned information will prove beneficial to the individual who posed the initial question. In order to achieve a state of autonomy, it is essential to gain an understanding of the mother-child dynamic. It is my sincere hope that the relationship between the two parties will continue to evolve in a positive manner.

Hello, I'm Liu Yong.

Your words show you feel trapped by your mother. It's scary and helpless. She's your mother, and you love her. It's easy to fall into trouble.

Your mother is controlling you to make her feel safe. Resist, and she will become more extreme and make you frustrated. She has an abnormal parent-child relationship, which is related to her relationship with your father and the relationship of your entire family. She depends on you for survival and cannot disconnect from you. She cannot treat you as an independent person and cannot live without you.

It's been decades, and it's really difficult to change. In China, people don't think they have any psychological problems. They even think that psychological problems are mental illness. It's really difficult to start with mom, and you, who are already an adult, still can't escape her. What can you do? This is really a difficult situation.

But we have to try. You and your mother are inseparable because of the love between you. Let's try to understand it.

Read books about the family to learn about your mother's situation and help you relax.

2. Find out what hobbies your mother has and ask for help in distracting her. It would be best if your father could help.

3. Talk to your mother about how you feel. This will hurt her because she thinks she is acting in your best interest by loving you. But if you want to change your relationship, you may have to do this. It's like weaning a child. It will be difficult, and there will be tears.

We must consider what will hurt mom the least.

4. If your mother knows there's a problem, ask her to see a psychologist. It's hard to change habits and patterns all at once, so it will take time.

5. If you can't start with your mother, be strong, spend more time on yourself, understand your mother, find a way to get along, strengthen your inner self, give your mother a sense of security, and don't be too upset. Learn more about psychology.

Your mother's problems have been going on for a while, so you need support to deal with them. Talk to your father or friends to take some of the pressure off. Find a counselor if you can afford it. This will help you relax and get advice on how to get along with your mother.

People change, and so do their relationships. My mother and I have changed together over the decades. We are happy now.

If you put in the effort, it will bear fruit.

In Chinese culture, the family is very similar. Parents often treat us like babies, which is stressful. But life goes on, and there are still good things in it, like stability and peace. Try to find the beauty in life. Problems will always be there, but time is precious. Some people will never come back.

I hope you can get along with your mother better and see things differently.

I love you, world. I'm Liu Yong.