I would rather my parents die early, and then miss them after they die. How do I reconcile these conflicting emotions?

It's normal to feel this way. Don't be too hard on yourself.

First, accept these complex emotions. The pain and internal conflict caused by your parents' presence were real.

Your thoughts after they leave are also sincere.

Talk to someone you trust about your problems. It might help.

You can also write a letter to your parents. This is a way to express your feelings and think things through.

Set yourself small, practical goals to make your life fulfilling and reduce time spent reminiscing.

Try to change your view of relationships. Maybe people care about you, but you haven't given them a chance. Start with small things like saying hello to neighbors.

Give yourself time and patience. This kind of emotional adjustment takes time. You will gradually find inner balance.

The parent-child relationship was often characterized by discord and internal family conflict during the parents' lifetime. However, following their demise, a sense of longing for their presence often emerges. A lack of a sense of belonging may be experienced when interactions with other individuals are limited.

It is not uncommon to experience a sense of ambivalence when confronted with the duality of longing for one's parents, who are no longer present, and resentment towards them for the internal conflicts they have caused. I can perceive the internal conflict, helplessness, remorse, and grievance that you are experiencing.

I am confident that you have experienced significant challenges over the course of your life.

Let me offer you a warm embrace first.

This ambivalence is, in fact, a typical and normative phenomenon.

Parents are the individuals with whom we are most intimately connected, sharing a biological link. Many individuals aspire to receive commendation from their parents throughout their lifetime.

Parents are the primary source of support for their children. When they are no longer present, it can feel as if the foundation of support has been eroded.

Chinese parents are wont to admonish their children, despite professing disdain for their offspring's misdeeds.

Furthermore, individuals tend to recall more positive memories than negative ones. Therefore, feelings of longing for one's parents can be considered a typical human experience.

Although the description is somewhat vague, it appears that the relationship between the subject and their parents was not particularly harmonious during their lifetime. It is possible that the separation was, to some extent, a relief for both parties.

The death of a loved one is universally acknowledged as the event that causes the greatest psychological stress.

This is likely the source of the conflicting emotions currently being experienced.

The following suggestions are offered for consideration regarding the process of adjustment.

1. It is beneficial to acknowledge and understand the conflicting emotions that arise in this situation, as they are a normal part of the grieving process. It is helpful to engage in this process by sharing your emotions publicly and seeking support from others.

2. One may attempt to facilitate self-healing through the act of letter-writing. It is plausible to hypothesize that during the parents' lifetime, numerous verbal exchanges with them could have been met with interruption, refutation, and disdain, and that they may have frequently offered criticism.

However, there is no longer any need to justify your feelings. You may wish to consider writing a letter to your parents, which would enable you to express your thoughts and emotions in a constructive manner.

3. It is recommended that you take the initiative to engage in social activities. Socialization is a fundamental human need.

Once a period of perseverance has been completed and emotional equilibrium has been achieved, it would be beneficial to consider engaging in active socialization. This could entail identifying like-minded community groups, forming new friendships, and embracing a novel lifestyle.

My name is Tianyang, and I am a heart exploration coach. I extend my best wishes to you for a life filled with happiness.

Hello. I'm glad to answer your question. I'm confident that my suggestions will be helpful to you.

It is normal to love and hate our parents. When we are born, our parents are our whole world. They are the only people in it. It is only after we turn three that we go to kindergarten or go out and play. Then we come into contact with the outside world and other people.

Our love for our parents is undoubtedly stronger, more demanding, and more dependent than the love our parents have for us.

When we crave our parents' love and don't get it, or the way they express their love is not acceptable to us, we are bound to form hatred towards them.

The greater the hope, the greater the disappointment, until it inevitably turns into despair and transforms into hatred.

The saying goes that love breeds hate. This means that we feel hatred because we have previously felt love.

It is normal to love and hate our parents. We can accept this conflicted emotion in ourselves, and it is an emotion that normal people will experience. There is no need to feel that you are not quite normal.

Secondly, the same applies to our social interactions. We may feel lonely when we are alone, but we need time to ourselves when we come into contact with the outside world.

We must find a balance in the social process, a channel for companionship and sharing when we want to socialize and escape loneliness.

When you want to be alone, you can also calm down and enjoy your own company.

These two questions are actually connected. People are inherently contradictory. No one has a completely black-and-white personality or a favorite person. There must be a middle ground.

When we encounter major events or take time to reflect on life issues and philosophical questions, we may feel confused about who we are and what we truly want. This can lead to emotional fluctuations and cognitive challenges, making it difficult to know what to do.

Seek psychological counseling. A third-party perspective and the skills of a professional will help you understand yourself better and get to know yourself.

You will also find a lifestyle that suits you at different stages of your life.

With the help of a professional, you will find a way to adjust to your own needs without affecting your physical and mental health or your daily life.

I love the world, and I love you!

When your parents were alive, they didn't give you love in the way you needed. Instead, they would vent their emotions by scolding you, which made you feel very hurt. You even wished they would die sooner! And after they died of a serious illness, you would miss them.

This can be a really tough spot to be in.

This can be a tough spot to be in, but I'm here to tell you there's a way through it. It's a dilemma, sure, but there's a way to see love in it.

Let's take a closer look at this together.

1. Be grateful!

Our connection with our parents will never disappear, even though they've passed away.

A child comes from the mother's womb, and he has a natural connection with his mother. It's so special! And without a father, a child cannot become a life and be born into this world.

At that moment, our wonderful moms and dads gave birth to us with love. So, from that perspective, we should thank our amazing moms and dads!

2. It's so important to remember that hate just won't help. Gratitude is the way forward!

They scolded you, making you feel unloved, guilty, and self-blaming, which in turn caused serious internal conflict. I know it can be tough, but I'm here to help.

I know it's tough, but try not to hate them.

I was so filled with hate in my heart that I ended up severing my psychological connection with my parents.

It's totally normal to feel this way after the loss of a loved one. I know it can be tough to feel a sense of belonging, loneliness, and anxiety when you're used to having your parents around. It's okay to feel this way, and it's important to remember that you're not alone.

3. In fact, it can be divided into two parts.

Now, let's separate the gratitude you feel towards your parents for giving you life from the hurt you feel from the scolding you received when you were growing up.

I'm so grateful and thankful for your kindness and respect.

"You are my mom and dad, and I am your daughter. Thank you for giving me life—the greatest gift in life! That's all I need."

You are first-time parents, and I respect your choices and your experiences. I know you did your best, and I'm grateful for all you've given me. Now that you have left this world and I am still alive, I will choose to live my life in my own way. Please respect my choices and my life, and please bless me.

"

You can read these words aloud or silently in your heart.

4. You can also find a professional to help you through this, if you'd like.

If you feel this inner conflict is particularly strong, you might like to think about finding a professional counselor to help you deal with it and heal your relationship with your parents.

Your relationship with your parents will affect your career, love life, and financial fortune. When your parents are no longer around, it's so important to love yourself more!

I wish you could see beyond the fog and see the bright moon in the sky.

I am Li Di, the respondent, and I am grateful for our encounter.

You appear to be in a state of ambivalence, simultaneously seeking an intimate relationship with others and experiencing a sense of disconnection. This dynamic mirrors your relationship with your parents, which was characterized by a close bond but also a profound sense of pain due to resentment and a lack of understanding. Following their demise, you found yourself missing the intimate connection you once had with them. This emotional state is inherently contradictory and exhausting. I offer you a gesture of comfort and seek to assist you in regulating your current emotional state.

The situations you have described are likely to be experienced by many people. It may be beneficial to take a moment to calm down and reflect on what you need most at the moment. When I think and think, can I identify the underlying needs behind these thoughts? It is important to understand and accept what you can and cannot do. For example, when you feel anxious when you interact with the outside world, it may be helpful to ask yourself what you are worried about.

How might I better comprehend this concern within myself? For myself, would it be more beneficial to seek greater connection with others or to spend more time alone? What outcomes would be acceptable in each case? Perhaps through such an exploration, I can discern a direction that aligns with my needs.

Let us examine your current situation from a psychological perspective. The situation you describe involves profound emotional conflicts and inner struggles, which often originate from our intricate nature with regard to close relationships and our intrinsic response to loss.

The ambivalent feelings experienced by many individuals – a desire to be free of the internal conflict, yet a simultaneous longing for their presence once they have departed – are a common and understandable aspect of the human experience. These feelings reflect an internal tug-of-war between a deep-seated love for a parent or other family member and a desire for relief from the internal conflict and stress associated with their absence.

The stress experienced during one's parents' lifetime and the subsequent sense of loss are inherent aspects of the human condition and warrant understanding and acceptance.

The statement, "I couldn't do anything while they were there; they yelled at me and made me feel so drained," may indicate a sense of powerlessness and frustration that has been previously experienced in other relationships. This feeling may have prompted the development of a defense mechanism that ultimately led to the desire for an end to the situation, allowing the individual to cease feeling drained.

Nevertheless, when this state does change, unresolved emotions and memories resurface, creating new challenges. The current feelings of loneliness and lack of belonging may be attributed to the loss of close connections that previously existed, regardless of whether those connections were consistently positive.

To address this internal conflict and associated anxiety, it is essential to acknowledge the legitimacy of these feelings and recognize that they are not unique. The following suggestions may prove beneficial in this regard.

Self-compassion: It is essential to be kind to oneself and to recognize that it is normal to experience the full spectrum of emotions in the wake of loss. It is crucial to understand that everyone reacts differently to such a profound life event. It is therefore vital to be understanding and accepting of one's emotions, rather than being overly critical.

[Reflection and integration] Attempt to comprehend the intricacies of your relationship with your parents, encompassing both challenging periods and more positive experiences. This will facilitate the integration of your memories and foster a more nuanced perspective.

[Create new meaning] Formulate new daily routines and objectives to address the absence created by the loss of a loved one. This approach will not only mitigate feelings of loneliness but also facilitate the acquisition of a novel sense of direction and purpose.

[Connection and belonging] Despite the potential for anxiety, it may be beneficial to seek out smaller groups with whom one shares similar interests or values. Such connections can provide support and a sense of belonging without feeling forced.

It is recommended that individuals consider seeking professional counseling to assist in the exploration of these complex emotions and the acquisition of coping strategies to address feelings of anxiety and loneliness.

It is important to note that each individual's emotional experience is unique and a part of their personal journey. It is essential to be kind to oneself throughout this process and to allow for a pace that is comfortable and sustainable.

Should one find it challenging to cope, seeking external assistance is indicative of courage and self-care. It is imperative to recognize that one's emotions are deserving of being heard and understood, and that there is always a means of attaining inner peace and harmony.

It is my sincere hope that this response is of some assistance to you. It is important to remember that you are a unique individual with inherent worth and the right to experience the good things in life.

I understand the depression, anger, conflict, and confusion in the questioner's heart. When their parents were alive, they were always scolding the questioner, which caused harm and affected the questioner's perception and expectations of themselves and their interpersonal relationships. The questioner feels they are not good enough to be cared for, that interpersonal relationships are dangerous and unreliable, and that they have no sense of security or self-confidence.

The questioner feels anxious when interacting with the outside world and has no sense of belonging when interacting with acquaintances because of this. However, this does not hinder the questioner's desire for interpersonal interactions and the desire to gain attention, care, recognition, and acceptance.

If you want to stop being bothered by these emotions, you have to accept that they're there and allow yourself to feel them towards your parents, including the internal conflicts. You also have to understand what your emotions are trying to tell you, like what's the main issue in your internal conflict.

The questioner may believe that their parents' scoldings were a reflection of their own unworthiness and lack of parental love. However, this is an inaccurate assumption. When their parents scolded them, it was not a reflection of their inherent worthiness or unloveability. It was simply a manifestation of their parents' emotional state and a way of expressing their thoughts and feelings. The questioner's perception of their parents' actions does not define their own worthiness or the nature of their relationship with their parents. It is important to recognize that the questioner's feelings of loneliness and helplessness are not a direct result of their parents' actions. Rather, they are a consequence of the questioner's own internalized beliefs and the way they interpret their parents' behavior. The fact that the questioner misses their parents does not imply that they agree with their parents' evaluation of them. It is likely that, even though they may have hurt the questioner, their parents also provided them with a great deal of attention, care, and satisfaction during their lifetime. This does not negate the possibility that they once cared for and loved the questioner. It is natural for the questioner to miss their parents and to feel less lonely and helpless when they think about them. This is a normal response to the loss of a loved one.

The questioner must accept the death of their parents. I believe the questioner has many things to say to their parents but hasn't yet said them. They can say what's in their hearts when they visit the graves of their ancestors, say goodbye to their parents, release the emotional pressure inside, and no longer be affected in the future. These are my personal opinions for the questioner's reference only.

Hello, question asker.

You are full of conflict and conflict with your deceased parents. You miss them, but on the other hand,

This makes you very angry with them. You have cursed them in your heart for dying too early, so this internal force of tearing

You don't know what to do with it, and you're in pain, aren't you?

I don't know how old you are or what your relationship with your parents was like earlier. It's clear that your parents hurt you during your upbringing.

This has caused you to feel deep resentment and internal conflict.

You need to understand yourself. The death of your parents has made you feel lonely, activating your separation anxiety.

While the interactions with them while they were alive were hurtful, they were also a connection. Now

When this link is lost, your longing for your parents wells up in your heart.

You need to keep reflecting on your feelings towards them. There must be more to you than sadness and unhappiness.

The post presents a tit-for-tat, which is likely hiding your self-blame and guilt.

As you correctly identified, when you argue with your parents, it reveals an underlying love-hate relationship.

We must address the question of how to integrate the hatred and love for one's parents.

You need to consider exploring your subconscious to determine how much repressed negative emotion has not been dealt with.

You need to express and vent.

I am your counselor, Mr. Yao, and I will continue to support and care for you!

I am your counselor, Mr. Yao, and I will continue to support and care for you!

Hello, I can't accept my parents' scolding, but I miss them after they leave, according to your description. Many people want to get away from their parents' control because when they are controlled, they have a lot of thoughts and opinions that they can't express. They don't want to be scolded, so they are very internally drained.

You understand that your relationship with your parents has shaped your current interpersonal relationships. The emotional entanglement with your parents has also affected your interpersonal relationships. You desire good interpersonal relationships, but you are also afraid.

This kind of entanglement is like a quagmire that bothers you and you want to get away from. You need to be brave and make changes.

You have to accept the situation and admit that you don't like being scolded by your parents. That's the only way to change it.

Then, when you're alone in a quiet moment, you can say whatever you want to your parents. You can express whatever you want to them, whether it's anger, longing, or any other kind of feeling.

Everyone must do their part, and parents must shoulder their share. Know that their expressions don't mean they don't love you; they're simply an expression of their emotions. You are still the perfect you, and you can return to them what they should bear.

You can find your own hobbies in life, such as painting and sports. Immerse yourself in the things you love and connect with yourself. You will find that you are not alone.

Hello, questioner! Thanks for asking. I hope my answer will be helpful to you.

It's tough to feel the conflict and pain inside you. This complex emotion is really hard to deal with. On the one hand, there's the internal conflict and harm caused by the time spent together. On the other hand, there's the uncontrollable longing after they've gone. This emotional conflict is really painful and indescribable. It's probably not something that ordinary people can easily bear.

Before they passed away, their words and actions may have caused us a lot of psychological pressure and emotional distress. We may have felt helpless and desperate to the point where we thought, "I wish they were dead."

However, when they do leave, the void that was once thought to bring relief is filled with endless thoughts of them and loneliness. The strong family bond and the time spent together will inevitably come flooding back.

The longing is because the love has never really gone away. It's just been overshadowed by hatred for a while.

This reversal of emotions is a reflection of the complexity of human emotions. It's also a fierce collision between our inner self-protection and our true emotions when we face great changes.

Let's go over the main points:

First, it's our love-hate relationship with our parents. It stems from the conflicting feelings of hurt and care they've brought us. It's an unresolved conflict deep within our hearts.

Secondly, our lack of a sense of belonging and security in interpersonal relationships may be related to how we relate to our parents. This way of thinking may lead to us questioning our self-worth and avoiding interpersonal relationships after our parents die.

Finally, there's regret about the unchangeable past and confusion about the future, as well as efforts to move on.

I hope these suggestions will be helpful to you.

First, it's important to accept yourself and let go of your emotions. When you're feeling conflicted, try not to judge or blame yourself.

One way to work through your feelings about your parents is to keep a diary. This can help you express your emotions, whether they're positive or negative. It can also help you reduce your psychological burden.

Second, take the initiative to improve your relationships. Look for people who understand and are willing to listen to us, whether they're friends, family members, or professional counselors.

Opening up to someone you trust can help you feel more connected to others and less isolated.

You might also want to try taking part in some social activities, starting with small gatherings, and gradually opening your heart. It's only through real interaction with others that you can learn how to establish healthy and equal relationships and find a sense of belonging.

Third, you might want to think about speaking to a professional counselor. You could also look into having a counselor work with you over a longer period of time. This could help you explore your inner world in more depth, help you work through conflicting emotions, and help you understand the deep-rooted beliefs that affect your emotions and behavior patterns. This could help you move on from the past and face the future with a more positive attitude.

You're not alone, and you can find peace and tranquility by stepping out of this emotional fog.

I love you, world!

Hello, my friend. I understand how you feel. This internal conflict and struggle is very difficult, I know. It really takes some time and effort to adjust to the complex emotions you have towards your deceased parents and the anxiety of getting along with the outside world.

It's totally normal to feel this way. Those difficult experiences you had with your parents while they were alive have caused you pain and internal conflict. But their passing has also triggered deep-seated feelings of affection and memories within you.

It's okay to feel whatever you feel when you think about your parents who have passed away. They might have caused you distress and pain when they were alive, but they're not here anymore, and that's a fact.

It might help to think about all the love and care they showed you, and the role they played in your upbringing. These memories could really help to ease the inner conflict and pain.

At the same time, try to accept your past thoughts and current nostalgia, and don't be too hard on yourself. You can keep a diary to record all your emotions, memories, and thoughts about your parents, which will help you sort out your feelings.

It's totally normal to feel anxious about social interactions. The good news is that there are ways to reduce this anxiety! One way is to gradually expand your social circle and interact with more people. You can join interest groups or social activities and make friends with like-minded people.

When you're interacting with others, you can try to actively express your thoughts and feelings, listen to the opinions and suggestions of others, and establish a more authentic and in-depth connection.

You can also talk to your friends or family about how you're feeling and share your experiences with them. They'll be there for you and support you no matter what.

And there are other ways you can help yourself feel better, too! You can try relaxing and mood-regulating methods like listening to music, exercising, meditating, or reading.

These methods are great for helping you relax, relieve tension and anxiety, and face external challenges with greater calm and confidence.

It's okay to give yourself some time and space to miss your parents. But don't be afraid to get out there, participate in social activities or cultivate new interests and hobbies, expand your social circle, and perhaps find a sense of belonging and care in new relationships.

And finally, don't be too hard on yourself! We all have our own unique journey of growth and experience, and it's these things that shape our emotions and behaviors.

You can try to accept your own imperfections and contradictions, and look at yourself and others with a more tolerant and understanding attitude. You've got this! Believe that you can gradually get out of your inner dilemma and find your own happiness and joy.

The original poster, the present is good. From your description, I feel that you have a sense of anxiety, fear, and unease. No matter what feelings you have, I now invite you to open your arms, hug yourself, pat your shoulders, give yourself some encouragement and recognition, and tell yourself inwardly, "This is how I am, this is my destiny, I accept the present me, I love the present me, even though our parents were unkind to us, but they gave me life, they raised me, I am very grateful to them, I respect them very much, no matter what our parents did or did not do for us, you are still my parents, I am grateful, I love you, dear mom and dad!"

I may not have taken care of you as you wished, but I have done a great job with what I had! How does it feel to say these words to yourself and feel what's inside?

If there are things you haven't finished communicating to your parents, you can record them in a diary and read them to them in the quiet of the night. It's a great idea to see if your emotions can help you to connect with your parents!

When these emotions flow, our internal friction will also decrease. And the best part is, since we have become aware of this, we can interrupt it immediately! As long as we take action, this thought will be interrupted. So, what are your hobbies?

You can also express your emotional interaction with your deceased parents through your hobbies, which is also a great way to release emotions. When we let go of our parents, we also let go of our own lives.

When we work and live in a state of harmony, our bodies feel great, our emotions flow freely, and our work creates incredible new miracles!

I'm a listening therapist, and I'm so excited to see you soon!

Hello, questioner. I want to reassure you that you are not alone in this. Many people experience similar emotional fluctuations and internal struggles when facing the death of a loved one, especially when the relationship was complicated or challenging during their lifetime.

This emotional complexity is actually a profound exploration of love and loss, understanding and forgiveness, deep within human nature. Perhaps we could consider facing these emotions step by step, with courage, in order to find inner peace and reconciliation.

I can sense the weight and intricacy of your portrayal of your relationship with your parents and the strife and solitude you felt in the aftermath of their passing. While your parents were still alive, you may have encountered a considerable amount of pressure and unhappiness, to the extent that at that moment, you had the thought of "escaping" in your heart.

It would be unfair to say that people are made of stone, so it's perhaps more accurate to say that they are not emotionless. When they really leave, those memories, both good and bad, turn into deep thoughts and feelings of unwillingness to let go.

It might be said that this emotional transformation is common to all people, and that it is also an expression of your deep desire for love.

It might be helpful to imagine your experiences as a book, with each page documenting a moment with your parents. Some chapters may be full of conflict and misunderstanding, but it is these chapters that make up your unique life story.

It might be helpful to try to look at these experiences from a broader perspective. They may not only have shaped your current personality and emotions, but could also have been indispensable nutrients along the way.

I'd like to share a story with you. It's about an artist who had a strained relationship with his father when he was young and often felt depressed. After his father died, he used his creativity to remember his father and eventually discovered that those seemingly painful memories were actually a source of artistic inspiration.

He came to understand his father in a different way and was able to reconcile with himself.

In psychology, this complex emotional response is known as the "grief process." It encompasses more than just remembering the deceased; it also involves re-examining past relationships, reassessing one's self-worth, and making emotional adjustments.

The "five stages of grief" theory of American psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross suggests that people typically progress through five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It's possible that you may currently be in a stage where anger and nostalgia are intertwined, which is a normal psychological reaction.

Your main challenge seems to be finding a way to balance your conflicting emotions and reconcile with the past, while also being able to live in the present and future. You seem to want to move on from the past, but you also have strong feelings about your parents. You want to be independent and autonomous, but you are also afraid of being lonely and helpless.

I believe that this conflict is actually a deep desire in your heart for love and to be loved, for freedom and a sense of belonging.

I hope you will find these suggestions helpful as you navigate your current situation. I encourage you to explore the methods that resonate with you.

1. Remembering and Reliving: Consider honoring your parents in the way that feels most meaningful to you, whether through photos, letters, or special events. This can help you stay connected to them and find inner peace.

2. Gratitude and forgiveness: It might be helpful to try to look at the past with a more forgiving and grateful attitude. Even though your parents have passed away, the life, love, and teachings they gave you are invaluable treasures that can never be erased.

It may be helpful to learn to let go of things you cannot change, to cherish the present, and to embrace the future.

3. Mood Diary: Consider keeping a journal of your feelings and thoughts for a few minutes each day. You may find it helpful to express your emotions in words, whether happy or sad.

This can help you gain a deeper understanding of and acceptance for your emotions.

4. Self-care: You may wish to consider developing hobbies that make you feel relaxed and happy, such as reading, exercising, and meditation. These activities could potentially enhance your sense of self-worth and reduce feelings of loneliness.

5. Consider seeking support. You are not alone in this. Friends, family members, or professional counselors can provide emotional support and advice.

Please remember that you are not alone.

6. Consider participating in social activities: Even if you don't feel a sense of belonging with your acquaintances, you might find it helpful to try joining social activities or interest groups. These occasions can provide a chance to meet new people and gradually build a new social circle.

It is worth remembering that true friends and a sense of belonging take time and effort to cultivate.

7. Self-affirmation: Consider speaking positively to yourself each day to affirm your own value and abilities. This may help to boost your self-confidence and sense of well-being.

Dear friend, Everyone will experience pain and struggle in their lives, and it is these experiences that can help us grow stronger and more mature. What you are going through is a complex and profound psychological process that requires patience, courage, and wisdom to face.

Please be reassured that with time and your own efforts, you will gradually find inner peace and harmony. You are not alone, and there are many people who are willing to accompany you on this journey.

May you find the courage to face your emotions and discover your own path to happiness and peace. Go for it!

Hello, I'm Qu Huidong, a psychotherapist who can help you understand your emotions better.

The questioner is currently dealing with the conflict between their parents while they were alive and the emotional conflict after their death. This is a normal, understandable feeling. In psychology, this is called an ambivalent conflict, which means that a person is simultaneously troubled by two or more conflicting emotions or needs, wanting to be close to something while also wanting to be away from it.

It's normal to have mixed feelings about your parents after they've passed away. You might want to be around them, but you might also want to distance yourself because of the pain and conflicts they caused when they were alive.

When a loved one dies, we have to go through the process of mourning. It's only natural to feel both love and pain. Remembering and letting go of a deceased parent is an inner journey.

Here are a few suggestions to get you started: 1. Accept your emotions. 2. Cherish the good memories. 3. Share your thoughts and find a spiritual haven. 4. Care for yourself and let your mind breathe deeply. 5. Broaden your social circle and bring color back to your life. To be more specific, this includes:

It's important to accept and understand your emotions. By coming here to write your questions, you've acknowledged your emotions and seen that they're complex and real. Knowing that this is a normal psychological state, you no longer need to feel ashamed or self-blame. This means you can allow yourself to have both loving and painful emotions.

It's important to build positive memories. Try to recall and cherish the good times you had with your parents. This can help to make your heart feel warmer and stronger. Of course, it's not as simple as just replacing painful memories with happy ones. But, over time, you'll find that your heart feels more balanced.

It's easier to remember pain than happiness. This is something people have developed to help them survive. Pain keeps us alert and prevents harm. You can be more aware of unconscious actions and take the initiative to stop harm, which can also protect you.

Get some outside help. Look into professional psychological counseling. It's not just about talking and feeling better, but about understanding yourself and your relationships better.

Treat yourself right. Look after your physical and mental health. Unwind and beat stress and anxiety through exercise, meditation, reading, or other activities you enjoy.

It's important to make new connections. While there's no substitute for the emotional connection with your deceased parent, you can try to establish new social relationships and find a new sense of belonging.

The process of emotional healing can be tough and painful, and everyone handles it differently. It's important to find a way of dealing with your emotions that works for you. If you're struggling to cope on your own, don't be afraid to seek professional help.

Wishing you the best!

Hello!

I can relate to the negative emotions caused by "contact with my parents while they were alive was often very draining" and "now that they are gone, I often think of them."

I'd like to offer you some thoughts for your consideration:

As you've described it, you wish they would die when they scold you and feel a lot of internal conflict when they do.

If a child is constantly rejected and ignored, verbally abused and attacked in the family environment, they'll likely feel like they don't have enough emotional support.

This lack of emotional support can lead to hypersensitivity and vulnerability, and a tendency to experience "severe internal conflict."

At the same time, if you were often rejected, denied, and belittled in the early social environment of your biological family, you might think that you're not welcome or accepted.

This can affect how you see yourself and your sense of self-worth, which can make it harder to trust others or cause you to feel uneasy or anxious.

As you put it, you feel anxious about getting along with people outside your inner circle. You prefer to be on your own, but sometimes you feel lonely and think that no one outside cares about you.

When you feel insecure and anxious a lot, your brain might start to protect you.

For instance, you mentioned that you often think about your late parents and that their passing was a relief for both of them.

This is a pretty common psychological coping mechanism that can help to reduce your anxiety and unease.

To relieve the current internal conflict and conflicts, we suggest trying the following methods and measures:

First, acknowledge and embrace your genuine feelings towards your parents.

"Thinking about them often" is a natural way to express your feelings about your late parents.

It's a good idea to experience and express this emotion fully, more intensely, and more often.

This can also help to reduce your anxiety and insecurity.

This can also help offset and reduce the negative impact of your original family on you.

Second, it's important to be aware of your emotional responses and behavior patterns, and to understand how your childhood experiences influence your emotions and behaviors.

It's important to accept your shortcomings and inadequacies. You should also try to establish a positive self-image and sense of self-worth through positive self-reflection and self-affirmation.

This self-reflection will help you understand your inner world and needs better.

Once again, it's important to set up a new way of thinking and a support system.

You might also want to read some books on healing or psychology to improve your level of awareness.

For instance, Wu Zhihong's book, "Why Family Hurts," goes into great detail about how the unequal traditions of an original family can affect parent-child relationships.

Once you have a good grasp on things, you can really start to improve your respect and understanding of your family of origin.

It's also a good idea to maintain healthy habits yourself, like a balanced diet, enough sleep, and regular exercise.

You can also get support and advice from people you trust, like friends, family, or colleagues.

If you find that you can't handle these issues on your own, it's important to get professional help as soon as possible.

You can get a lot of help with this through psychological counseling, psychotherapy, or other forms of support.

We hope you find this helpful!

Hello, my name is Evan, and I'm a cognitive behavioral counselor.

From what you've shared, I can sense your longing for your parents. When our parents are still with us, we often feel burdened by their negativity. But when they're gone, we miss the intimacy we once had.

It's totally normal to feel a mix of emotions when you're facing this situation. You might feel like you wish your parents would have died sooner to end their suffering, but at the same time, you might also feel a sense of loneliness and miss them after they've passed away. It's a really complex and painful emotional experience, and you're not alone in feeling this way. Here are some suggestions to help you deal with these emotions:

1. Accept emotions: It's important for the subject to understand that these conflicting emotions are totally normal. It's okay to feel them! We're all complex beings, and we all have different sides to our personalities. Plus, our perceptions are influenced by the times we live in.

It's important to remember that they may also have their own limitations and suffering, and that their way of acting may be influenced by their own experiences, personality, or emotions. This doesn't mean that the subject should forgive all the harm, but recognizing this can help the subject reduce some of the internal conflict.

2. Express emotions: It's clear from your description that there are lots of feelings left over from your parents that you haven't had a chance to share. Why not try keeping a diary, drawing pictures, or talking to someone you trust?

Sometimes it can really help to talk things through with someone else. It can help you to understand your feelings better and to deal with them in a way that feels right for you. And it can also help to relieve some of that internal pressure.

3. Psychological counseling: You are also welcome to seek help from a professional psychological counselor. They will provide a safe environment for you to explore these complex emotions and provide effective strategies to deal with them.

You can share your feelings with a counselor. It's totally okay to talk about your emotions. Don't suppress them, let it out!

4. Memorial activities: The subject commemorates your parents through rituals or activities, such as visiting their gravesite on a specific day each year, or doing something they liked while they were alive to remember them. You can also consciously recall the good times you had with your parents, while trying to say goodbye to their departure in a ritualistic way, such as writing down what you want to say to them or performing a small farewell ceremony.

5. Acceptance and letting go: It's okay to recognize that the past cannot be changed. But you can choose how to face and accept it. And that's a good thing! Try to accept your own emotional complexity, including those complex feelings towards your parents.

It's also important to learn to let go of things that you can't change and to let yourself move on from the past. Mindfulness meditation techniques are a great way to help you focus on the present moment instead of dwelling on past memories or future worries.

6. Self-care and growth: It's time to focus on yourself! Learn new skills, find a hobby you love, and take care of your body. You've got this!

As you grow stronger and more independent, you'll find yourself feeling more at ease when it comes to emotional issues. Every day, make time to record the things you're grateful for. This can help you develop a positive mindset and reduce your focus on negative emotions.

7. Make new connections: It's important to remember that although the emotional connection with the deceased parent is deep and lasting, efforts are also needed to establish new social relationships and emotional connections. There are so many ways to do this! Participating in community activities, joining interest groups or volunteer teams, and socializing with like-minded people are all great ways to help the subject feel a sense of belonging and being cared for.

It's so important to find a way to connect with someone you trust, like a family member or a close friend. Having that support and understanding can make all the difference.

10. Professional intervention: If you're having trouble regulating your emotions or they're affecting your quality of life, it might be helpful to speak with a mental health professional or counselor. Sometimes, getting a second opinion can be really beneficial.

They're there to offer more specific, personalized guidance and support to help you work through any internal conflicts and anxiety you might be facing.

Dealing with these complex emotions is a gradual process that requires time and patience. Everyone's emotional recovery process is unique, and there's no fixed timetable. Just take your time and do what's best for you.

Be kind to yourself, sweetheart. You're doing great! Just give yourself enough time and space to slowly adapt and heal.

At the same time, believe in yourself! You've got this. And believe that a better life is waiting for you in the future.

I really hope my answer helps the person who asked the question.

Hello! When your parents were alive, you felt drained and wanted to escape their pressure. Now that they have left, you often think of them, and this longing makes you feel emotionally pulled in two directions—but in a good way!

Your narrative brings up some really important perceptions, like a sense of belonging and loneliness. It's because we have this natural need for human connection and belonging, and a resistance to loneliness, that we have this amazing, inextricable attachment to relationships!

Even if the relationship was once hurtful, there's still so much to be gained from it! Without an alternative and better relationship, the original relationship is also a source of "connection and belonging." This is especially true of parent-child relationships. Due to blood ties and a long period of coexistence, whether the parents are present or not, they have become a part of the child's life and a part of their own identity. It is only natural to miss them, and that's a wonderful thing!

In his book, the famous psychologist Irwin Yalom describes his resentment towards his mother. Even though he had become a psychological expert and was in his middle age, he still felt conflicted and painful when thinking about his mother. Despite the fact that Yalom had a happy family and a successful career, he would still feel frightened when he saw his mother in his dreams, and would have to think about and write down his feelings when he woke up.

From an existentialist psychological perspective, people experience their own existence in relationships. This is a wonderful thing! Even people who like being alone find it hard to endure being alone for long. This is because in loneliness we cannot feel that our existence and actions have any meaning for others, and we get no response. You have also noticed this yourself: you feel anxious when dealing with the outside world, and you lack a sense of belonging when you are with acquaintances. This is a great opportunity to strengthen your connection with your parents!

Even though parent-child relationships can be painful, they also provide a sense of certainty and predictability within a stable structure. This sense of familiarity itself is a source of "security." However, an unfamiliar external environment is more likely to make people feel threatened and uneasy—so it's important to embrace the familiar and recognize the value in it!

To regulate your emotions, first understand your feelings, see their rationality, and recognize their significance to you. Then, get ready to look at your relationship with your parents from a different perspective! It's true that they've caused you a lot of pain, but their connection with you is also real and even becomes a part of your spiritual sustenance.

The fact that you miss them is also a great way to reassure yourself! You should definitely allow yourself to express your emotions more thoroughly. Write down and read out what you are thinking and feeling.

Then you can encourage yourself to establish new interpersonal relationships! This may not be easy, but you can do it. You can learn, cultivate, and develop relationships over time. If you encounter resistance or an unsatisfactory relationship, you don't have to immediately negate yourself or avoid conflicts. Instead, see your needs in it! You want to be "seen" and "accepted" by others.

But seeing and accepting take time and effort. And conflicts and disagreements are not always destructive. In fact, people can build a deeper understanding and grow closer to each other despite their differences!