If you grew up hearing your parents argue all the time, what do you do when you go to university and you're not happy at all?

Could I ask you to consider why you feel that you are betraying your mother if you become better?

Could it be that becoming better would actually mean betraying your mother?

I respectfully disagree. I believe this is your aggression towards your mother. You have always been aggressive towards your mother's weakness, but in the past you suppressed it with love.

It may manifest itself in other ways. For example, your mother may not allow you to become strong because she is weak. She may feel that if you become strong, you may be perceived as betraying her.

Perhaps there's more to it than that?

I respectfully disagree. I believe it's not because you are also weak now that you protect her, but that you can become weak in order to protect her.

Perhaps it could be said that it is not your weakness that protects her, but you yourself. It is clear that you love your mother very much, and you want to protect her.

However, you also find yourself criticizing her for her inability to protect you and for being weak and a burden.

Perhaps the issue you're grappling with is whether to set her aside in order to move forward on your own, but you're finding it difficult to do so.

I believe this is a false premise, however. If you become stronger, you won't abandon her. You will be able to protect her even better.

Perhaps what you need is to release this aggression and then change your mindset. You might find it helpful to let go of your love for her.

Should you require any further assistance, I am available for consultation.

I truly hope that you will find happiness in your life.

Hello, questioner!

"I'm at university now, but I'm struggling to find my way. I don't want to succeed because I feel like if I'm good at something, I'll abandon my mother. But I really want to be good at something, so I'm torn between the two. I'm anxious all the time, like two little people are fighting in my head. I'm tired every day and can't sleep. What should I do?" Let's sort this out together.

In the original family dynamic, the parents often had disagreements. When the relationship between a couple is rocky, one of the parties will transfer their emotions to their children and become emotionally dependent on them.

This kind of over-dependence can put a lot of psychological pressure on the child, making it difficult for them to separate from or escape from their parents.

The questioner is in college now, and although there's a distance between them in terms of space, they're not separated psychologically and have a lot of concerns about their mother. When he's planning his career, this concern obviously makes things tricky: "Should I study hard and get good grades so that I can be away from my mother, or should I study just fine and stay by her side to take care of her?"

There's a saying that goes, "Good kids leave home, while the rest of them stay." There are plenty of examples of this in real life. Think of kids who study abroad and settle down, or who work in big cities far away from their parents. So, we think, "If I become excellent, I won't be able to take care of my mother."

If you want to take care of your mother, you have to be able to do it. Of course, university is a great time to learn new skills and grow your abilities. So, learning well and having the ability are the basic conditions for us to take care of our mothers.

Once you've finished your studies, you might find yourself temporarily living apart from your mother while you work out how to balance your career with caring for her. If this happens, it's a good idea to keep the lines of communication open with your parents and try to persuade your father to be more supportive of your mother.

Once you've settled down, you might want to think about taking your mother to live with you.

As you can see, these are all just hypothetical assumptions about the future. So, your fear that your boss will leave your mother is also a worry and anxiety about the future.

If you think about the situations you might face and have solutions for specific problems, you'll be less stressed and can focus on the present, study hard, and get great results.

I hope this is helpful.

Best regards!

Dear friend, I perceive a conflict and contradiction in your narrative, as your mother's dependence on you makes it challenging for you to consider abandoning her.

This internal conflict leaves the individual unable to make a decision, which in turn results in fatigue and insomnia.

The source of the conflict is the issue of how to separate from one's mother. The mother is more dependent on the child, and the child is concerned that the mother will be sad as a result of the child's departure, which gives rise to feelings of guilt.

First, engage in a direct dialogue with your mother, expressing your gratitude for her parenting style. This will enable her to perceive your gratitude and affection towards her. Consequently, the distress your mother experiences due to her impending departure will be mitigated, and your own sense of guilt will be less pronounced.

Secondly, the reason why separation is challenging is because your mother is not content in her marriage. It is possible that you have assumed the majority of her emotional support. Following the separation, your mother must mature and become independent. Her life should be focused on taking responsibility for herself. You may suggest that she read books or seek psychological counseling to pursue interests that align with her own life goals.

It is important to note that a mother's feelings of guilt when her child leaves to pursue their own studies, career, and life are not necessarily indicative of abandonment. It is crucial for the child to recognize that they are not omnipotent and cannot solve all of their mother's problems. This realization allows the child to understand that they do not have to be responsible for their mother's life. Instead, the child can repay their mother for her nurturing kindness by living their life well.

It is important to note that the process of separation and individuation is not only relevant for children, but also for mothers. It is essential for both parties to engage in mutual growth and learning. While separation can be challenging, it is a natural and necessary aspect of life. It is recommended that mothers and their children watch the Pixar movie "Bao" together, as well as the Russian animation "A Life Chained by an Umbilical Cord."

It is my sincere hope that the aforementioned points will prove beneficial to you. Furthermore, I encourage you to cultivate a mindset that encompasses self-love and a sense of universal love and acceptance.

Hello, question asker!

It's tough to give advice on your inner desire for independence and the conflicting emotions you feel in just a short description of about 200 words. Even so, I hope we can chat and explore more possibilities when you're feeling anxious and troubled by this.

Take off the caregiver's hat and be yourself.

It's not your fault you were born into a family with emotionally unstable parents. You did well to get into university despite your parents fighting all the time.

You mentioned that when you were younger, you always looked out for your mother, which led to her becoming overly dependent on you. It's as if you were the parent and your mother was the "child" who needed your care. This is a phenomenon in psychology called "childhood parentification," where the child is overly aware and assumes the role of the parent, taking on the responsibility of "caregiver."

Kids who've been in a parenting role for a while can pay attention to the emotional needs of those around them and meet them, but often neglect their own emotional needs, forming a kind of self-suppression. The three words "unhappy" describe your current psychological state in the title. If you can be aware of this, you may be motivated to try to let go of your responsibilities as a caregiver and pay attention to your own psychological needs first.

We all have to take responsibility for our own lives.

It's true that as a child, you can't ignore the relationship problems between your parents. Even if it hurts, you have to remind yourself that it's their life, and they need to take responsibility for it. You need to take responsibility for your own life.

Your mother's needs, such as wanting you to stay home, spending time with her, and wanting you by her side in the future, are not your needs. As a college student in your twenties, you need to be independent, socialize with your peers, and establish intimate relationships.

You can only live a carefree life without being entangled when you meet your own needs. When you take responsibility for your own future, perhaps your mother will also have to grow up a little and take some responsibility for her own future.

Live your own wonderful life.

You've reached out to us at the Yi Xinli platform because this problem is really affecting your studies and life. You're so anxious that you "can't sleep at night," so you don't get enough rest, and you don't have enough energy to study during the day.

You say you want to be good, but you also feel that being good means abandoning your mother. From your mother's perspective, that's true. But think about it from a different angle. If you become more outstanding and stronger, you'll be able to meet your needs better while also taking care of your mother.

College is a short but precious time in your life. Make the most of it and live your best life.

I hope the person who asked the question can finally figure out what they want and start living a carefree life.

My parents have been engaged in frequent conflict since I was a child, and at times, these disagreements have become quite intense. My mother has historically been the more passive party in our relationship. During my childhood, I consistently sought to protect my mother, which may have contributed to her developing a psychological dependence on me. In reality, she consistently expresses a desire to remain with me and to maintain our close proximity. Additionally, she hopes that I will eventually pursue a career and reside with her in the future. However, I have always had a strong desire to pursue my own interests and to establish my independence. Currently, as a college student, I find myself constrained by these expectations. I am reluctant to excel in any area, as I am concerned that doing so would cause me to distance myself from my mother. Nevertheless, I am motivated to perform well and to succeed, as I recognize the value of doing so. This internal conflict leaves me feeling anxious and distressed. It is as if two opposing forces are engaged in a constant struggle within my mind. As a result, I experience fatigue and insomnia on a daily basis. I am uncertain about how to navigate this complex situation.

The questioner's concerns about the numerous invisible obstacles in their life are misguided. Their actions are merely an extension of the natural desire of any child to protect their parents.

However, it is also important to acknowledge the reality that it is not possible to protect one's mother from all potential challenges and difficulties. Despite this awareness, it is understandable that some individuals may still find it difficult to fully detach from their mother.

One might still endeavor to provide the utmost assistance to one's mother, even if it is merely to elicit a smile of reassurance.

It is important to acknowledge the truth, which is that your mother is not as weak as you perceive her to be.

Your mother selected your father as her life partner. There must have been factors about your father that she found appealing and thought would be beneficial for her.

Given her ability to select her partner, it is also possible that she may have chosen to terminate the marriage. Presently, however, she has not done so, and there must be sufficient reasons for her to remain in the marriage.

Given that this is her decision, there must be both positive and negative aspects to it. Nevertheless, it is her decision to make.

The decision was made after a weighing of the pros and cons.

It is imperative that we respect her choices and decisions.

Each individual bears responsibility for their own actions and well-being. Just as one cannot choose one's mother or parents, one is also solely responsible for oneself.

Furthermore, it is becoming increasingly evident that your mother is becoming more and more dependent on you because you are protecting her. This raises the question of whether your mother's need for protection is, in fact, preventing her from exercising her autonomy.

With your protection, there is no need to consider how to resolve the issues between the couple independently. If you intervene to address the challenges for your mother each time she requires protection, she will become increasingly reliant on you and her resilience will diminish.

If one were to consider the situation from the perspective of a child, it would be beneficial to provide guidance on how to navigate life's challenges.

For example, it would be beneficial to inform your mother that there are solutions available to her, but that she must identify them independently.

For example, it would be beneficial to inform your mother that there are numerous options available to her, but that she is ultimately responsible for making her own decisions.

For example, it would be beneficial to inform your mother that abstaining from a decision is also a choice, and that it also has consequences.

For example, it would be beneficial for your mother to understand that she is solely responsible for her own protection and that she must become strong in order to do so.

For example, it would be beneficial to inform your mother that you are merely her child, not her parent. As a child, it is natural to seek protection and support from one's parents.

It is not within the capacity of children to provide protection for adults.

For example, communicate your current situation to your mother and ascertain whether she has any alternative solutions to offer. Given her greater life experience, she may be able to provide more effective assistance.

For example, when your mother requests assistance or expresses discontent, identify a rationale and assert that you are not in a position to address the issue at hand. Allow her the opportunity to navigate her own challenges.

Furthermore, a variety of options have been presented for your consideration. You are at liberty to pursue any or all of these options, or to devise an alternative course of action. It is possible that you may identify a superior option. Regardless of the decision you ultimately make, I am committed to respecting your choice.

Ultimately, it is the individual who bears responsibility for their own choices.

Greetings.

The issue can be divided into three parts. Initially, there is the mother's dependence on the son, which manifests as a reluctance to be separated from him. Secondly, there is the son's own reluctance to appear too outstanding, as this would necessitate his departure from the family home and his mother's company. This leads to a sense of guilt for being unable to fulfil his filial duties. Thirdly, there is the protection that the son has provided his mother since childhood, which serves to highlight his own sense of strength and being needed. The following section will present my views on these three aspects.

Firstly, the mother's dependence on the child. In a family that frequently engages in conflict, the vulnerable mother is readily protected by her children, particularly the boys. During this period, the masculine identity that the child displays provides her with support and strength, while simultaneously making her dependent on the child.

It appears that this form of dependence has manifested unconsciously in the present. The concern that one's mother is unable to leave one's side impedes one's ability to concentrate on academic pursuits. This distress is understandable. However, a crucial aspect has been overlooked: the dependence of mothers on their children may not be as significant as commonly perceived. What they require is a relationship where they can confide in, and be understood and supported by, someone they can trust.

Now that you are pursuing higher education, you will soon confront the challenges of graduation, job hunting, and romantic relationships. This kind of dependent relationship will, to a significant extent, influence your future life. If you can implement certain changes, you will both be better off. Furthermore, I believe that your loving mother can comprehend these changes and make the necessary adjustments.

Secondly, I am reluctant to present myself as particularly outstanding, and I experience feelings of guilt that I will be unable to demonstrate sufficient filial piety. This is reminiscent of a saying that has been in circulation for some time: "Since ancient times, loyalty and filial piety cannot be both fulfilled."

Although loyalty is not the topic at hand, one's future career and filial piety may be mutually exclusive. I can comprehend the predicament you are facing, and if I were in your position, I would also feel overwhelmed.

However, circumstances are not always as they initially appear. As we become more proficient and encounter enhanced employment prospects in the future, we may find that the challenges we currently face will be resolved. For instance, we could bring the child to live with us, locate a suitable individual to care for her, or identify a compatible partner to provide companionship. It is evident that modifying one's outlook can significantly alter one's perspective.

Ultimately, the act of independence from one's mother serves to highlight one's sense of strength and the importance of being needed. This sense of being needed and the feeling of being powerful are two fundamental human needs that align with the higher levels of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

From my perspective, this is a particularly salient issue for you, and it may be a significant contributing factor to your distress. On the one hand, it is essential to learn to acknowledge and address our needs in all aspects of our lives. On the other hand, it is also crucial to develop the ability to reasonably fulfill these needs in a way that is both effective and sustainable.

It is possible that when one is confronted with a loved one, one may feel at a loss for words and unable to perceive the situation with clarity. However, one will likely persist in attempting to make changes. Whether the individual is oneself or one's mother, there are times when a mere nudge is all that is needed. It is this author's hope that this personal understanding will prove beneficial to the reader in some way, much like a ray of light dispelling the gloom of an overcast sky, to imbue warmth and strength, and thereby mitigate the pain and difficulty experienced in life.

I extend my love and affection to the world and to you.

After reading your question, I feel that your relationship with your mother has caused you to feel guilty about your own growth. But don't worry! I'm here to help. Before I answer, I want to give you a hug.

From what you've said, I get the impression that your mother feels secure relying on you emotionally because of the discord in the parent-child relationship. You want to work hard to improve yourself and become better, but at the same time, you feel like a betrayer, abandoning your weak mother. This conflict makes you feel tired, but you can work through it!

But why does your mother's dependence make you feel guilty towards her? Because you have linked your mother's misfortune with your own happiness. So when you have this kind of thinking, if you try to quietly raise the happy side of the seesaw, then the situation on the mother's side will become even more difficult. But there's an even better way!

For example, your mother may have said something like, "It doesn't matter if I suffer. I'm not getting a divorce so that I can give you a good life." Or you may feel that "My mother could easily live alone, but she has to put up with all this suffering for your sake."

This will make you feel that your father is terrible and your mother is someone you have to redeem.

Although your mother's situation makes you feel difficult, you, as a son, have the incredible opportunity to step into the role of your father. This not only allows your mother to achieve true happiness, but it also frees you up to chart your own beautiful life.

So, let me share some suggestions for the way forward!

First, accept your feelings of guilt and realize that "it's not your fault."

From the above explanation, we can roughly understand that a truly healthy parent-child relationship should be "independent but caring for each other." However, as you become more and more powerful, your mother becomes weaker and weaker. If you continue to pay attention to your mother's suffering, it will make you lose yourself, and the problem may be ongoing forever. But here's the good news! You have the power to change this. You can choose to focus on your own happiness and wellbeing, and this will help your mother to become stronger.

The good news is that your mother's suffering is not your fault. It's the result of how she was brought up, possibly passed on from her grandmother's generation. The even better news is that she still loves you!

So, if you can recognize that "it is not my fault," then your life can gradually get back on track!

Second, I highly recommend seeking psychological counseling.

As mentioned earlier, the emotional needs of the mother may have come from the influence of the grandmother's generation, and this understanding has long been deeply imprinted in her bones. It is quite difficult to make the mother understand and improve, so it is recommended that if allowed, please seek the help of a psychologist. This is a great opportunity to work with a psychologist and make some positive changes!

Third, it's time to explore the emotions that have been buried deep within your parents!

Have you ever thought that the main cause of your mother's misfortune is your father? It's worth considering a different perspective! Have you ever wondered where the love they had for each other went? It's possible that there is still love between them, but it has been overshadowed by so many views on misfortune.

Absolutely! You can definitely try to look for memories of the past. When you can let go of preconceived notions and re-examine your relationship with your father, it will undoubtedly give you the opportunity to make peace with your pain.

I really hope the questioner can gradually build up inner strength and be able to view themselves more positively!

I'm rooting for you! You can do it! I'm here for you. I love you!

Everyone has the power to be a beacon of light. Whether you're asking questions or answering them, words can shine a light into the hearts of many people. It's our shared energy, and it's there for us to use.

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, and I'm here to support you. I can really understand how you feel because your parents' unhappy marriage has made you bear a lot of life's problems that should have been theirs.

The mother, who has been hurt in the relationship, is like a child, constantly seeking satisfaction from you.

Over time, you've come to accept the way you get along with your mother. You love and respect her, and you want to be loyal to her. You might have learned that if you're outstanding, reject success, or choose to "numb" yourself, she'll be disappointed in you.

It's so important to learn how to give a warm hug and achieve psychological separation from your parents.

It's so important to remember that everyone must bravely shoulder their own share of responsibility.

We all have so many wonderful things to do in our lives! There's playing happily as a child, being diligent and conscientious after starting school, working hard in our careers after starting work, and of course, maintaining our marriages and various relationships.

The marriage you're talking about is a really important topic in the lives of parents. It's so important that they should work on it themselves, whether they're in love or not.

In traditional Chinese marriages and families, when there's a mismatch between how spouses and parents relate to each other, it can lead to some pretty complex relationships. And unfortunately, it can also mean that children end up bearing pressures and responsibilities that they really shouldn't have to. For instance, if their parents are in an unhappy marriage, and the mother is particularly open with her feelings, it can put a lot of pressure on the child to navigate that situation.

2. "The Bond of Maternal Love" is a great way to avoid toxic love.

It's so hard when you feel like you're in a parent-child relationship with your mom. It can really put a lot of pressure on your mind, making it hard to start your own independent life. It's totally understandable that you might not feel like you can be happy or enjoy yourself, because in your mind, these things might seem like you're being "disloyal" to your mom.

It's important to be respectful and caring towards your parents, but it's also okay to think outside the box sometimes! For example, you might think, "If I'm doing well, I'm being unfaithful to my mother." This kind of thinking can lead to actions that reject all kinds of goodness, happiness, and joy.

"When I'm doing well, I can take better care of my mother," and "When my mother is strong and independent, she'll be happy for the rest of her life."

I really hope this helps! From a different perspective, "Out of the Mind and Into the Life" can achieve cognitive dissociation, giving you and your mother a fresh start in life.

I really hope this helps you, and I love you so much! ??

If you'd like to keep chatting, just click on "Find a coach" in the top right corner or at the bottom. I'd love to keep talking with you one-on-one and see how we can grow together!