I'm 40 years old, and my mother is already dead. How can I resolve my hatred for her?

Hello, question asker. I can see you're feeling confused, and I'm here to give you a hug!

First, I think it's really important for you to understand one thing.

Your mom was just starting out, and she did the best she could, like we all do!

Second, you might find it helpful to take a look at what your mother's own family was like.

It's possible that when she was growing up, her parents treated her in a way that was a bit too harsh.

If she grew up in such a family environment, it's totally understandable that she might not know how to treat your child differently.

There's a great saying in psychology that I think you'll find really helpful: what we don't have, we can't give to others.

Of course, you can't change the past, but that's okay!

But don't worry! You can stop the bad communication patterns of your mother from being passed on to your next generation.

You can absolutely stop your mother's bad communication patterns!

Then you can help to reduce the negative impact of the "intergenerational transmission" of her bad communication patterns.

If you think it would help, I also suggest that you seek help from a professional counselor.

A counselor is a professional who can give you some great advice!

I really think you should read It's Okay Not to Forgive.

I really hope the problem you're having gets solved soon.

I just wanted to say that all I can think of now is the above.

I really hope my answer helps and inspires you! I'm the answerer, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, the world and I love you! Wishing you the best!

Take care!

Give the original poster a hug! I can feel the suppressed anger, resentment, pain, and longing in the original poster's heart. Any girl who has been treated like this by her mother since childhood would feel uncomfortable and unhappy — but she doesn't have to!

As the saying goes, "the deeper the love, the deeper the hate." If you don't get the love and satisfaction you want, love will slowly turn into loss, disappointment, and despair, and finally into hate. The deeper the love, the deeper the hate. This is a great opportunity for growth! Although the questioner is full of hatred towards his mother, this hatred includes the questioner's emotional feelings and emotional yearnings for his mother. The questioner is either unaware of it or is unwilling to believe it even if he is aware of it. This is something he can choose to change!

If you want to resolve your hatred towards your mother, you have to first accept that you have hatred towards her. You also have to accept that she treated you badly in the past. Once you've done that, you can start to work on your feelings. Ask yourself: is all of this hatred negative? Or is there something else going on?

Once you've understood and recognized these emotional feelings, it's time to release them! You can do this through a simple "ritual," such as burning some paper money for your mother on her death anniversary. This is also a great opportunity to say all those things you've held back for all these years. And of course, you can cry as much as you want! You can do this ritual at home, in some temples, or even in the wilderness. Just make sure to be careful with fire safety.

I'm so excited to share my personal opinions with you!

I empathize with you after learning about your childhood experiences. A mother should provide her child with love and support, but unfortunately, your mother did not.

Despite her passing, there are methods you can employ to resolve the hatred in your heart.

Firstly, it is important to understand that your mother's behaviour does not reflect any personal shortcomings on your part. Her actions are a matter of her own volition and not a reflection of any fault on your part.

You are not liable for her actions.

Secondly, it would be beneficial to view the past in a more objective and rational manner. It is possible that your mother had her own reasons and background that led her to behave in this way towards you.

Gaining insight into the circumstances surrounding her actions, even if it does not fully eliminate the pain, can assist in viewing the past in a more objective manner.

Furthermore, you may wish to consider seeking professional psychological counseling to resolve the issues you are currently facing. A qualified counselor can assist you in gaining a deeper understanding of your inner feelings and provide practical advice and methods to help you emerge from the shadows and regain happiness.

Finally, you may wish to consider focusing on your life and future. While the past cannot be changed, you can create a better future through your own efforts and choices.

It is recommended that you engage in activities that align with your interests and goals, and that you pursue a lifestyle that is fulfilling and meaningful.

Please be aware that you are not alone. There are numerous individuals who are prepared to provide assistance and support to help you emerge from your current situation.

I hope these suggestions will prove useful.

Hello, dear host!

We're sending you a big, warm hug, hoping to melt away any resentment or grievances in your heart!

We come into this world and the first people we meet are our parents.

Those who were abandoned at birth or whose mothers left this world during childbirth, except for those who were abandoned at birth or whose mothers left this world during childbirth.

We all come here longing for love, my dear friends.

We really hope that our parents will love us lots!

It's so sad, but not many children are actually able to grow up being fed with love.

And there are also those who are sadly abandoned by their biological parents at birth.

And so it goes.

And they can't take care of their children's spiritual growth, which is so important.

Even the best parents can't always meet their children's every need.

It's so sad, but even families with all their members intact have their fair share of children with psychological problems.

It's not just a family problem, it's a social problem too. Looking deeper, it's a problem of life.

What kind of life do you want to live, sweetheart?

I'm 40 years old, a woman with a bachelor's degree. My mother is no longer with us. From a young age, she treated me like a maid, making me do all the work while she played mahjong. She would get angry and criticize and abuse me if I didn't do things right. I didn't feel loved in my daily life, and she would scold me while defending other people's children.

I felt really sad that my own mother treated me like this. I hated her for bringing me into this world and for treating me like this.

How can I possibly resolve this hatred? She's been gone for so long.

I truly believe that the saying "a happy childhood heals for life, and an unhappy childhood heals for a lifetime" is so true!

But when we grow up slowly and have entered our forties,

Do we have to carry the shadows of our childhood with us for the rest of our lives?

No matter how our mothers treated us in the past,

I think it would be really lovely if you could at least raise them to adulthood and see them through university.

If you can, try to develop a grateful heart towards your mother.

I truly believe that, with time, her heart will change.

It's true that my mom didn't give me enough love, and that's why I'm a little empty inside.

It's really sad when you can't give love to others.

It's really tough for someone who's never felt loved to give extra love to others.

I think it's fair to say that the host's heart is now full of resentment and pain.

It's okay if you can't accommodate a little more love.

I just want to say that you don't have to forgive your mother and stop hating her.

I just want to say that nobody has the right to persuade you like this.

I just want to say that I understand how hard it is, but I want you to know that the more you hate, the more you suffer.

I know it's tough, but I really believe that if you stop hating your mother, your pain will disappear.

I know it's tough to choose this path, but it's also the path to your liberation.

I'd like to ask the original poster, "Do you want to live in pain for the rest of your life?"

I'd love to know what kind of person you want to be!

I really do wish you well!

I'm Warm June, and I love you, the world, and I'm here for you!

I extend to you a 360-degree embrace.

The underlying issue is characterized by feelings of anger, a sense of injustice, and helplessness. During childhood, the subject experienced maternal suppression and criticism, which led to a lack of perceived maternal love. This resulted in a hatred directed towards the mother for bringing the subject into the world but not treating her well.

However, now that your mother is deceased, there is no longer a target for your animosity. You express a desire to resolve your feelings of animosity towards your mother, yet you are uncertain as to how, given that your mother is no longer alive.

One might also assume that you are dissatisfied with yourself. As the Chinese often say, "She is already dead; what more do you want?" Regardless, she is still your mother. She has done you no favors, yet also done you hard work in raising you. How can you not forgive her? Aren't you being filial?

These comments collectively indicate that the subject in question is the subject's mother, and that the subject should not hate her. Even in one's heart, one tells oneself, "This is my mother; I should not hate her."

However, this does not imply that hatred of another individual is inherently unacceptable. Indeed, the advice often proffered to children by their elders is frequently indicative of a lack of understanding of the suffering experienced by others, coupled with an insistence on the importance of kindness.

However, as social creatures, it is inherently challenging to assert that one does not care about the opinions of others. Consequently, this presents a paradoxical situation.

The conflicting desires, expectations of others, and moral principles that one has internalized can exert a powerful influence on an individual's thoughts and actions.

The key point to be made about this dilemma is that there is no obligation to resolve one's hatred of one's mother; it is possible to maintain this hatred. In some cases, the hatred one feels for another person can lead to a greater sense of seriousness about one's own life.

From a psychoanalytic perspective, intense emotions may manifest as inversions. Hate, for instance, can be seen as an inversion of love.

Hate can be conceptualized as an alternative form of love. Without hate, love cannot exist. The hatred you feel towards your mother may, in fact, be a manifestation of love for her, expectations of her, and a longing for her affection.

If hatred is absent, love is also absent, which is an unpalatable state of affairs. Consequently, it is not possible to relinquish one's hatred for one's mother.

It is important to note that the failure to resolve and let go of hatred towards one's mother does not necessitate a permanent state of animosity. One can choose to store the hatred in the depths of one's heart, allowing it to be accessed when necessary, or alternatively, allow it to remain unacknowledged.

One may attempt to record their animosity towards their mother, their expectations and desires for her, and combine them into a single document. Despite the inability to alter one's mother or childhood experiences, it is possible to set aside that experience and that animosity.

It is intrinsic to our being, and there is no method of eliminating it. Therefore, it is advisable to merely diminish its influence in the present moment.

Subsequently, it is recommended that you live your life in a manner that is consistent with these principles. It should be noted, however, that the current state of your life is not within the scope of this discussion.

The present is a period of time that can be controlled, modified, and lived according to one's own desires. It is recommended that an individual seek the guidance of a counselor to address inner self-issues, thereby facilitating more harmonious interactions with the external world.

For example, a mother who is able to provide a nurturing and understanding environment for her child, and who is able to facilitate her own healing in the process. The management of intimate relationships can also be a means of healing.

However, these are prerequisites for attaining the status of a mature and rational individual with a sound grasp of one's own identity and interpersonal dynamics.

It is recommended that you consult with a counselor.

I am a psychological counselor who experiences depressive and optimistic moods, a profound love for the world, and a profound love for you.

It is my hope that my response will prove helpful to you in some way.

From a psychological perspective, it is not that your mother does not like you; rather, she lacks the capacity to love you in the manner you desire. Should you have the opportunity to learn about your mother's upbringing, you may ascertain whether your grandmother treated her similarly. She was unaware of alternative approaches to childrearing and merely emulated her mother's example, which was her limitation. Your hatred stems from the fact that she failed to meet your needs and did not provide you with the love you sought.

If she were still alive and unwilling to change, she would still be unable to provide the love and attention you require, as she lacks the capacity to give what she does not possess. To overcome this hatred, it is essential to identify the underlying reasons for your negative feelings and to recognize the absence and need that drive them. It is not sufficient to fulfill this aspect of your need by directing hatred towards her, as this approach is ineffective. Instead, you must learn to love yourself in order to address the inner deficiency. When you love yourself sufficiently, your inner self will become more receptive, and you will be better able to understand her, rather than continuing to hate her.

It is this author's recommendation that the following course of action be pursued:

It is first necessary to identify methods of releasing the pent-up emotions, particularly the feelings of resentment and anger.

It is evident that a multitude of unexpressed emotions reside within the individual, which serves as the source of the profound animosity. It is imperative to direct these negative sentiments in a constructive manner, allowing them to manifest in a productive manner, thus fostering a greater sense of tranquility within the heart. This process also represents an essential aspect of self-love.

Writing therapy allows one to express their innermost feelings, emotions, and thoughts without concern for the logic of the content or the neatness of the handwriting. It also provides the opportunity to find the right person to talk to, whether it be a trusted friend, a professional psychological listener, or a counselor, and to heal. Another technique is the empty chair method, which involves setting an empty chair in a room and pretending that the mother is sitting in it. This allows the individual to express themselves directly to "Mom," whether it be grievances, anger, or hatred.

2. It is imperative to discern one's own underlying motivations behind the hatred and recognize that the other party is incapable of fulfilling these needs. It is essential to pursue satisfaction in a more reasonable manner.

The hatred is a manifestation of deeper inner desires and needs. The hatred is a result of the lack of love and response that the subject desires from the object of their hatred. However, it is important to understand that the object does not possess the ability to provide the desired love and response. This is because the object has been socialized in a way that does not align with the subject's expectations. The subject's hatred may be a result of the object's upbringing, which may have shaped the object's understanding of love and connection.

An illustrative comparison can be made here. If one were to request gold from a beggar and he were to offer only a box of leftovers, it would be because he has no gold to give. He is unable to provide anything more than what he has, and the best he can offer is a box of leftovers, given his limited capabilities. There is nothing inherently problematic about our desire to be treated gently, to be accepted, understood, and tolerated. However, it is essential to seek these things from the appropriate individuals and approach those who are capable of providing them in order to truly receive them.

In other words, it is necessary to meet one's own needs in a more reasonable manner and replenish one's mental nutrition.

3. The process of rearing oneself anew, practising self-love, and extending self-love to oneself.

It is important to note that the absence of love and care during one's formative years does not necessitate a lack of happiness and wellbeing in adulthood. To achieve a state of greater happiness, it is essential to move beyond negative emotions such as hatred and instead focus on self-care and self-love. When individuals learn to love themselves, they experience a sense of relief and well-being.

Three methods of self-care can be employed: firstly, one may choose to engage with a psychological counselor who is a suitable match and who can accompany the individual on their journey of growth and healing. Secondly, one may choose to join a supportive group or group therapy, which can provide a sense of belonging and value, as well as offering support, care, understanding, acceptance, and respect. Thirdly, one may choose to learn and practice loving oneself, becoming one's own "inner parent" in a self-caring way. It is important to believe that one's inner self can provide all the love, tenderness, trust, acceptance, understanding, and recognition that one would expect from a mother.

It is recommended that the reader familiarize themselves with the following texts: The Power of Self-Care, Rebuilding Your Life, and When You Start Loving Yourself, the World Will Love You Back.

The aforementioned information is provided for your reference. Best wishes!