I'm over 30 years old, and I've gone through a cycle of internal conflict and then recovery. Why is it that my habit is to blame myself?

Hello! From your description, I can feel your conflict and helplessness, but I also see the amazing potential for growth and change!

I'm thrilled to have this opportunity to share my insights from a psychological perspective as a counselor.

Your problem is that you are in your 30s and you feel that you have grown up a lot and healed a lot. But slowly you have discovered that when something happens deep inside you, you tend to fall into a self-blame cycle, and you don't even realize it. You always have to go around in circles before you understand that if you didn't have this self-blame in the first place, you might have handled the situation better. But after a while, you will unconsciously fall into this self-blame again, and then you will recover after a cycle of internal conflict, and then you will unconsciously fall into it again. As a result, overall, you have very little experience, and you spend a lot of time on internal conflict. What is the reason for this? How should you adjust?

How do you solve your fixed patterns?

First, get to know yourself! What are your character traits?

What was the relationship like between you and your parents during your formative years? Think about what their attitude towards you was like. Were they critical, belittling, denying, and demanding?

This is an amazing process! It's like you're gradually internalizing external evaluations into your own internalization model. If you don't do well enough, if you don't try hard enough, or if you don't do your best, etc., once there is a conflict, you will turn the attack on yourself, attacking your own self. This is an unconscious behavior. After you reflect on it, you will adjust it at the conscious level, but unconscious behavior is beyond our control.

Second, accept yourself! Understand your strengths and weaknesses. Your strengths are the foundation of your self-confidence. Do you know your strengths?

For example, you have a strong sense of self-awareness, you are good at learning and working, and you have a sense of responsibility and commitment. You may think your weakness is that you demand perfection and cannot accept things that you cannot do, but you can change that! You can improve your acceptance and tolerance through reading, learning, and communication.

Third, it's time to learn how to express your thoughts! When you learn to express and talk about yourself, it allows others to hear, see, and understand you in a whole new way. You'll also gain a deeper understanding of yourself through different dimensions. You'll learn to accept yourself, love yourself, and express your inner feelings. You'll break free from the trap of self-attack and negativity!

The world and I love you! It's time to learn to love yourself. You can also seek professional help through psychological counseling to understand yourself, change your fixed patterns, adjust your self-pattern through learning to communicate and interact, and become a strong and stable person inside. You can do it!

Good morning, my name is Coach Yu, and I would be grateful for the opportunity to discuss this topic with you.

Let's start by discussing emotions. Emotions are made up of unique subjective experiences, external manifestations, and physiological arousal. Each emotion may be the result of an unmet internal demand. For example, when we miss the opportunity for a promotion or pay rise, we feel sad; when we lose a treasured possession that we have kept for many years, we feel angry.

In our focus on emotions, we tend to prioritize those that are more readily identifiable and outwardly expressed, such as anger, pain, and self-harm. However, there are also more introverted emotions, such as guilt, self-blame, and shame, that are often overlooked.

It can be challenging to articulate these emotions in words, as they often reside deeply within us. It is not always easy to gain understanding from others about these complex feelings.

It may be helpful to consider that these emotions are suppressed in the subconscious mind, and that the cells of the body may remember this feeling when encountering a similar situation. This could result in the whole body feeling tense, and breathing quickening.

This is what is referred to as a "complex" in psychology, or an emotional button. It would seem that the questioner is used to blaming themselves, and they are constantly triggering this emotional button as they engage in internal conflict after internal conflict.

As the questioner wrote, it seems that deep down inside, when things happen to us, it can be challenging to recognize when we might be falling into the trap of self-blame.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider what our own needs might be when we blame ourselves for things.

Perhaps we could also try to ask ourselves what specific feelings we get when we think about the unsatisfactory results caused by self-blame?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider which self is the real self: the self that habitually blames itself and causes internal conflict, or the self that is true to itself?

However, awareness is an important first step in the process of change. It allows us the opportunity to reconcile with our emotions. When such self-blame emotions arise, we can gently remind ourselves to "stop," take a deep breath, and quietly watch them without any judgment. We can also consider the benefits of writing therapy, writing and drawing out our anger and discomfort, so that emotions can find an outlet and be released.

Another approach could be to use an empty chair, role-playing, and self-dialogue to create a safe situational atmosphere, connect past events with our current state of mind, consciously integrate chaotic thoughts, and release negative emotions.

I'd like to move on to the topic of acceptance. It's important to understand that acceptance and change are not mutually exclusive. The idea of acceptance does not imply a passive acceptance of the status quo without any change.

Our minds may have thoughts like, "Perhaps it would be beneficial to accept it, as it is the truth." "It might be helpful to stop struggling in vain and just accept your fate."

It appears that accepting oneself may entail a certain degree of compromise with reality, without necessarily making adjustments or changes. In essence, true acceptance could be defined as an active acknowledgment and acceptance of one's objective existence, even when it may evoke feelings of sadness, hurt, or discomfort.

It is also important to note that acceptance and liking are not necessarily the same thing. We often believe that we can only accept a situation if it aligns perfectly with our expectations.

Perhaps it would be more helpful to think of acceptance as simply accepting the existence of the current situation and then stopping there, without spending time and energy fighting against it.

As the questioner insightfully observed, it often seems to be a cyclical process. If we had not initially blamed ourselves, the outcome might have been quite different. However, after a period of stability, we may unintentionally fall back into this pattern of self-blame.

Perhaps it would be helpful to ask ourselves again: do we really accept ourselves?

It might be helpful to ask for support, as if this is an issue you're struggling with, it's likely to take time to overcome. It could be beneficial to speak to a family member or friend you trust and who has always given you positive support, or if you feel the need, you can also find a counselor, as it can be helpful to talk through emotions to relieve the heaviness and blockage in our hearts.

It would be beneficial for us to also make ourselves happy, relax our body and mind, tell ourselves that we are constantly growing, resolve our inner conflicts, let go of unhappy experiences, gain an inner understanding of ourselves, and that is maturity, and even more so, growth. I wish you the best of luck!

You might find it helpful to read "The Courage to Be Disliked."

Dear friend, I can sense your struggle and confusion. You are not alone in facing this cycle of self-blame. Many people encounter similar challenges as they grow up.

It is possible that self-blame may be a habitual psychological reaction that stems from our high standards for ourselves and our excessive focus on outcomes. This sense of self-blame may arise when we fail to meet our own expectations.

However, it is possible that excessive self-blame could potentially lead to internal conflict, which might then affect our emotional state and quality of life.

Many people find themselves in a similar situation at some point in their lives. It's not uncommon to feel self-critical when we have high standards and strive for perfection.

This emotion can be frustrating and exhausting because it drains our energy and prevents us from moving forward. In psychology, self-criticism can be seen as a form of self-punishment that may arise from our internal belief systems, such as "I should be perfect" or "If I don't do well, I'm a failure."

It is possible that these beliefs may have been influenced by our upbringing, cultural background, or early experiences.

You mentioned that despite the progress you have made in the process of growing and healing, the cycle of self-blame still seems to persist. This shows that you have already achieved remarkable results in self-reflection and self-improvement. However, it's possible that self-blame may be part of your deep-seated beliefs, and it might take some time and patience to gradually adjust.

It is possible that self-blame may have its roots in deep-seated fears, such as the fear of failure, rejection, or inadequacy. These fears may have their roots in our early experiences or in beliefs formed during our upbringing.

To break this cycle, it would be helpful to explore the source of these beliefs in depth and learn to respond to challenges and failures in a healthier way.

Everyone makes mistakes; it's part of the human experience. Recognizing and accepting the existence of self-doubt is an important first step towards making positive changes.

You might find it helpful to try recording the specific situations that trigger self-blame. This could help you to see the pattern more clearly and understand the reasons behind these emotions. When you start to blame yourself, you could try stopping, taking a deep breath, and asking yourself, "What am I feeling now?"

"Why do I feel this way?" By becoming more aware of your emotions, you can gain a deeper understanding of your inner patterns.

It might be helpful to try re-evaluating your actions in a more positive way. For example, you could change "I did it wrong" to "I can learn from this."

You might also consider being a little more forgiving with yourself. There is a concept in psychology called "self-compassion" that encourages us to treat our imperfections with understanding and support, just as we would a good friend.

When you find yourself caught up in self-doubt, it might be helpful to take a deep breath and remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, and that's part of growing up.

If you find it challenging to manage these emotions on your own, you might consider sharing your feelings with a trusted friend or family member. Sometimes an outside perspective can offer a helpful, objective viewpoint.

It's important to remember that self-blame is not your fault. It's a common human emotion that we all experience from time to time. You are trying to improve your behavior and emotional responses, which is a commendable process in itself.

Please keep moving forward and don't give up. Every step you take in your journey of self-exploration is a step forward, and every practice you engage in is a step towards becoming a better version of yourself.

Every effort should be acknowledged, and every drop of sweat should be respected. Feedback, attention, or praise is not only a form of recognition, but also an incentive.

This kind of feedback can be seen as spring rain nourishing our hearts, giving us more motivation to pursue excellence and create more value.

You might find it helpful to read "Self-Control" and "Nonviolent Communication."

Hello, my name is Zeyu, and I'm happy to be here with you today!

"I'm over 30 years old, and I'm back to the same old self-defeating habits. Why is it that self-blame is the 'best' way to deal with problems?" The speaker's self-blame may be the "best" way to deal with problems that he can think of at the moment, and we all have different ways of dealing with things.

It's totally normal to have different strategies and methods for different things. We all have different solutions to different problems. But the reality is that we'll always have new problems in life, which will require us to find solutions. In this process, we can grow and heal. We can fix or repair the problems we've left behind.

The speaker made a great point. It's so easy to fall into a vicious circle of self-blame when things happen to us. We often don't realize it's happening until we've gone a long way around. It's like we're looking at things through a rearview mirror! We talked earlier about how we adopt different strategies when faced with problems. But when we're faced with new or challenging problems, we often turn to "self-blame" first. It's a habit, but it's also a subconscious choice.

When we're caught up in self-blame, it can be really tough to feel good about ourselves. It's like we're stuck in quicksand, and the more we struggle, the faster and deeper we fall. But, there are ways we can help ourselves! One way is to try to stop ourselves first. We can try to shout out in our hearts, "Stop!" to stop thinking about these problems. Or, we can choose to do something else to distract ourselves. Here, we can try to focus our attention on our breathing and wait for our emotions to calm down.

When we stop struggling and calm down, it's time to take a step back and look at the big picture. We'll find those good experiences and successful cases that we might have overlooked before. The key to not blaming ourselves is to allow ourselves to be true to ourselves, to make mistakes, to be imperfect, and to be an ordinary person.

Remember, real growth doesn't happen overnight. It happens bit by bit, through repeated trial and error. So, try to see the growing you, and be more understanding and tolerant of yourself. You've got this!

Hello. You have noticed your own growth and realized that self-blame seems to have become an unconscious habit. This is something you can change. Self-blame leads to the depletion of cognitive resources, so it also weakens the investment in and perception of experiences.

The psychological mechanism of self-criticism is based on the assumption that there is a standard answer to everything or a definitive right and wrong from a cognitive point of view. When something happens, especially when it is something that has already happened, people judge their decisions or actions using an external standard of "right or wrong."

If you think you haven't done something right, you'll be hard on yourself. You'll dwell on what you could have done differently and feel regret and remorse.

Another typical way of thinking is the "should" mindset. You demand of yourself that you "should" do this and that, and if you don't, you equate this with failure or incompetence/inadequacy. This is a flawed way of thinking.

As a result, you remain on edge for a long time, and you may even be afraid to try something for fear of failure. Then you may blame yourself for being too timid and for missing out on opportunities.

These patterns are related to growth experiences. If your family was strict when you were young and had high expectations of you, it will lead to self-blame. Self-blame is the result of internalizing your parents' harsh criticism and is a form of defense. It's a way of saying, "I am already so guilty, and I don't deserve to be treated harshly."

To break the self-blame cycle, you must stop self-blaming. When you realize you're self-blaming, don't regret it. Just acknowledge it and move on.

Our brains have a working mechanism: the more you try to control a thought, the more attention you give it. Don't resist self-criticism. Just regard it as something that happens naturally and let it go.

You will gradually become less affected by self-criticism.

Furthermore, you should try to view yourself in a positive light. When you are self-critical, ask yourself to identify the positive aspects of your actions or the lessons you learned from the situation. This will help you see both sides of the story.

Hello! I'm thrilled to be able to answer your question. I really hope some of my suggestions will be helpful for you.

The reasons for our habitual internal conflicts or frequent unconscious internal conflicts are different for each person, which makes life so interesting! Some are due to our own personality, some are due to our habits, and it is also possible that external factors during our growth experience have interfered with us and become this way.

There are so many ways to explore the reasons behind our feelings. We can try to recall and be self-aware, or we can sort things out and explore with the help of a professional counselor to find our own reasons. Either way, we'll be able to gain valuable insights and move forward with a deeper understanding of ourselves.

Once we've identified the reason, we can also find a way to adjust ourselves accordingly!

In terms of our current situation, there's absolutely no need to label ourselves too much! For example, we feel that people at the age of 30 should be mature and stable, and should not engage in internal conflicts.

Absolutely! Each person, each age group, can allow themselves to have different strengths and weaknesses, or not be so perfect.

Everyone's experiences are different when it comes to age and growth. And that's a good thing! Perhaps we don't realize that we have a problem until we're 30. But then, we slowly adjust, and by the time we're 35 or 40, we can become as perfect as our ideal selves!

Some people are lucky enough to realize that they have certain problems when they are 20 years old. This allows them to make adjustments at the age of 25 and 30 to achieve their ideal state!

When we compare at this time, it seems that others can do it at the age of 30, but we have to wait until the age of 35 or 40 to do it. However, the emphasis of each of our life journeys is different, and that's a great thing!

For example, for someone in their 20s, the direction of emphasis is on perfecting their character or personality formation, which is a great way to spend your time! For us in our 20s, the direction of emphasis is on completing our studies or career development, which is an exciting time!

It's great that we can explore different age-specific directions in our own unique ways. There's no one-size-fits-all answer! It's totally normal that we may excel in some areas and not so much in others compared to our peers.

Regarding internal conflict, individuals will also have different approaches. The great news is that we can be self-aware, aware of our current situation, and even sometimes make self-adjustments that do not often affect our daily lives and social interactions. In fact, this is also a kind of progress for us. And sometimes, in our subconscious, without our own awareness, we are also constantly making progress!

And now for the best part! We can use the problems we have noticed to actively solve them in a targeted manner.

This brings us back to the point mentioned above: we have the power to either adjust ourselves through self-reflection and adjustment, or seek the assistance of professionals.

I really hope that through sorting things out and making adjustments, I can become the person I want to be at every stage!

I love the world and I love you!