In previous years, I complained to friends about my unhappy marriage, and they said that splitting up and getting back together again was "acting".

Hello, I'm Zhilin. I've been married for 8 years. I hope I can help.

1⃣️Only you and your husband know your relationship. Outsiders cannot know your family matters.

2⃣️ You complain to your friends about your partner and family when you have a conflict. They give you advice and support, but you keep changing your mind. Your friends are disappointed with you.

3⃣️ You change your moods quickly and things change quickly too. Friends don't believe you when you say you'll stay this way. You make decisions impulsively and regret them. You hope to think twice about everything. If you are emotional, don't make any decisions yet.

4⃣️ Complaining, negative energy, indecision, an unstable heart, and friends may not see things your way.

5⃣️If a couple's marriage is not going well, they will argue. This is normal. When couples argue, they want to solve the problem, but they can't understand each other. You especially want your partner to love you very deeply. Passion decreases a lot from falling in love to marriage. Marriage is more about responsibility, companionship, understanding, and tolerance.

First, learn to love yourself. This will help your partner pay more attention to you and see your good points. For example, if he is very tolerant, you are more impatient.

Hello. I can see you had a tough marriage a few years ago. How are you now?

How do you feel? Does it help?

You were angry and hurt a few years ago. Your husband didn't understand you, and your best friend didn't either. Why can't my husband pay more attention to me?

Why can't your best friend vent about your husband?

We also wondered why my husband didn't care about me. Did you feel he didn't care or was he really not caring? Did your husband do something to make you sure he didn't care?

How should he act to show he cares? You feel he doesn't love you, but he's stuck with you despite problems.

You've realized your husband is very tolerant, but you feel he doesn't pay enough attention. Have you talked about this? What would you like him to do to show he cares?

Men and women sometimes think differently. We must be direct. If they guess right, everyone is happy; if they guess wrong, they are at a loss for words.

You want to talk to someone but your best friend knows what you're thinking. You're also pregnant and you're a traditional girl.

It's normal to feel emotions. There are many ways to express them, like having a nice meal, going on a trip, going for a walk, or exercising. Exercise is a great way to express emotions!

What does it matter if a girl acts? Acting appropriately can be a catalyst for life!

You just have to be seen and be worthwhile. Don't work for half a day, get angry, cry, and let your husband ignore you. That's a waste of energy.

To feel loved, talk to your parents and connect with them. This will make you feel secure, stable, and strong. When you are strong, you can solve problems better.

Bless you. Contact me if you need anything!

Everyone can help others by sharing their words.

Hello, I'm Fei Yun, a heart exploration coach. I understand how you feel. When emotions are ignored, it makes you frustrated. Even if your friend is honest with you, you need to accept your emotions first.

Let's hug and talk about the problem.

1. Not being understood when venting with a friend

Everyone wants to be seen, understood, and accepted. Your friend's quick words made you feel unaccepted and misunderstood, which made you angry.

I still feel emotional when I think about it. Emotions can have deeper emotions, like anger.

Our subconscious mind hides our emotions. When similar situations arise, our emotions are reactivated.

It is important to be aware of yourself and your emotions. These are the things we need from our parents as children.

You said you lack love. Your friend's empathy can soothe your wounds, but she doesn't know your needs or how to care for your emotions.

Allow yourself to have emotions, grievances, and anger. Say it out loud: "My friend said I acted in this way, and I am angry because I feel like I am not being understood or seen." Don't act out your anger.

2. How do you view growing in your marriage?

This is because the marriage is not going well.

No matter how much in love a couple is, they will both think about getting a divorce and want to strangle the other person many times.

Marriage needs to be nurtured. Both parties need to work hard to maintain the relationship. I don't know what's going on between you and your partner, but it's probably just some trivial matters. What really makes you emotional is the need for satisfaction.

For example, you get security, care, and love from him. But in marriage, there is often complaining and less gratitude and appreciation. Both sides become the "bad reviewers" of each other's marriage.

There's no irreconcilable conflict. You're not wrong, and he's not wrong. We're wrong to rely on the other person to value our emotions.

Your parents' marriage and relationships reflect your own. Home is the best place to learn about relationships. Be aware of yourself, communicate, work together, and maintain your relationship.

The first misaligned relationship in "Why Family Hurts" is the husband-wife relationship. One partner treats the other like a parent, hoping to get needs met that they couldn't get from their parents.

Men and women are born different. When things happen, think from each other's perspective and look at problems from multiple angles. "The Five Languages of Love" is recommended. Women are gentle, like water.

I hope this helps. I love you. ?

Click "Find a coach" to continue communicating. I will communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

Hello, question asker. I'm Zi Ding Ya Xiang. It's meant to be that we've met, and I'm here to help you solve your problems.

The questioner said that a few years ago, their marriage wasn't going well. They talked about it with friends and split up and got back together again. Either they were told to "work on it" or told it was their problem. When they brought it up again after making up, that friend even laughed at them. You kept your emotions in check, though. You did a good job of that, even though you were clearly angry.

Take a step back and think about what you want to achieve. You can manage your own little family in life.

From what the questioner said, we learned the following:

1. The questioner feels insecure about herself and her marriage. She often feels her husband doesn't love her and isn't attentive to her.

2. The questioner seems to lack confidence in herself and in her husband.

At the same time, she puts a lot of trust in what people outside the marriage say, but she doesn't trust her husband and she's easily influenced by what people outside the marriage say.

The questioner has a lot of uncertainty about love. Marriage is not a game. If you decide to start a family together, you need to work together as a team.

First, ask yourself, do you love your husband? Love is a two-way street.

4. She wants to be in control, but there's no clear picture of what that looks like. It seems like she's looking for specific actions from her husband to make her feel satisfied.

I hope the following events will provide a supportive structure for the stability of your marriage.

First, it's important to trust and respect each other. Try to find some time to have a heart-to-heart with your husband, where you can vent to each other and raise each other's confusion points.

You can bring it up and talk it through together to find a solution. The person asking the question should also be open to suggestions that could help solve the problem.

Make changes for love.

Second, give each other a secret space. Even in marriage, there needs to be a place where you can go to talk about things that are just between you two.

Instead, they should be mutually binding.

Finally, there's a sense of boundaries between friends. No friend can listen to you talk about your life for too long and let you think they're your verbal wastebasket.

And things don't get resolved. Friends should bring a positive energy to the table.

It might just be an innocent joke, so not everything can be shared with a friend.

He's not your therapist or a verbal wastebasket.

I hope these ideas will give you some inspiration and help.

Marriage is serious business, so make sure you manage it well. A stable marriage will bring you endless rewards.

Hello, I'd like to offer you a hug from the heart.

From your question, I understand that this occurred a few years ago. At the time, I was strongly considering a divorce and confided in a friend, but she advised me that I needed to work through my issues and expressed surprise when you reconciled, suggesting that perhaps I had been mistaken.

At the time, you were quite upset, and even now, when you reflect on it, you still feel a sense of frustration.

I'm curious to know how you handled it at the time. How did your relationship evolve?

Could I ask why you are thinking about the past now and seeking help?

It has been a few years since the incident in question, and you are not currently divorced. It is possible that you have encountered a similar situation that has brought up unresolved issues from that time. You may wish to consider why you are thinking about this now.

Secondly, I would like to suggest that different relationships may require different approaches and address different topics.

In a marriage, we tend to focus on the topic of intimacy. In a friendship, we often discuss the topic of friendship.

It is also possible that these two topics may overlap. For example, we may discuss our relationship with friends with our significant other, but it is important to understand that different people may have different views and needs regarding the same thing.

For instance, some women may not be entirely comfortable with their husbands socializing with friends over dinner and drinks, and smoking. They might even go so far as to say, "That so-and-so doesn't know how to behave, don't hang out with him." However, it's not always easy for the man to listen.

It is possible that they may not listen because they are seeking a different kind of emotional support or have other social needs.

It's akin to when you go to a friend to discuss your marriage. Her position is actually quite challenging. You are husband and wife, and if your friend sides with you and vents her anger at your husband together, when you go back to making up with him, you may feel that she is being unkind.

If a friend stands up for your husband, you may perceive this as a criticism of your position. In such a case, it would be advisable for her to refrain from expressing her opinions and instead focus on listening to you.

It's possible that when you vent to her, you may just need an emotional outlet, rather than advice or anything like that. Perhaps at the time she needed an ally, but more of an emotional outlet.

It might be helpful to consider not involving your friends in the conflicts in your close relationships. Of course, you can still let your friend be an outlet for your emotions if she is willing. Many people would likely prefer not to keep receiving negative emotions.

You might also consider simply stating, "I need a good ear, and nothing else."

I must admit, I'm not sure what the standard of "acting" really is. I imagine it can vary from person to person, and even from one situation to the next. It's not always easy to know.

Could I suggest that we try to see if what you say can be understood?

In my experience, understanding others is not always straightforward. Despite having received professional training, I still find it challenging at times.

It is possible that even a counselor may not fully comprehend a situation, yet they would still accept the individual without passing judgment. As for the general public, they each have their own unique framework of understanding, and it is perfectly normal for there to be varying levels of comprehension.

It is not necessarily the case that others are obliged to understand us. Similarly, we cannot assume that we are obliged to understand others.

Even if others don't understand, it's important for us to try to understand their lack of understanding.

It's a bit of a challenge to summarize in a simple way, but the key is to recognize that we can't generalize and that we need to respect differences and boundaries.

I am often both Buddhist and pessimistic, and I try to be an occasionally positive and motivated counselor. I love the world and I love you.

Good day, my name is Ying Wang, and I am a licensed psychological counselor.

From your description, I concur. In a marriage, there are always fluctuations in mood and conflict, which inevitably result in fatigue. When this occurs, I am inclined to seek an outlet for my frustration, hoping to gain recognition and comfort.

If your marriage is not going well, discuss your concerns with friends. You may have heard the term "acting" used in reference to women. When there are problems in a relationship or marriage, or conflicts arise, women who lose their temper or become emotional are often described as "acting." What does it mean to "act"? Is there a clear explanation of what is meant by this term? This can be perceived as unkind, particularly when used in reference to someone who is in an emotional state.

If you are informed that you are exhibiting problematic behavior, it is even more unreasonable. In a marriage, disagreements are a common occurrence. In any marriage, if you wish to assign responsibility for the disagreement, it is an even 50-50 split, regardless of the cause.

When confronted with a colleague's comment of this nature, it is natural to experience feelings of anger and injustice. While there may be underlying reasons for such situations, it is essential to take responsibility for one's emotions, regardless of whether others are perceived as right or wrong. When faced with such emotions, it is beneficial to shift one's focus from the external trigger to self-awareness. Allow yourself to fully experience the anger and sense of injustice, acknowledging the physical sensations associated with these emotions. It is common to experience heightened discomfort during this stage, but it is crucial to persevere. By doing so, you can eventually transcend these emotions and achieve a state of genuine joy and happiness.

Regarding marital issues, it is indeed one of the most challenging relationships to navigate, but it is also a setting where significant growth can occur. Marital difficulties often originate from a partner triggering pain from childhood experiences. Additionally, they can highlight erroneous beliefs. Individuals must address various challenges in their lives, including career, marriage, and financial issues. It is important to note that these challenges are not exclusive to any particular individual. It is essential to approach these challenges with a positive mindset. Doing so can enhance the likelihood of success in other areas. Consequently, it is crucial to address current marital challenges with a constructive attitude.

I have also experienced this phase and, as a result, I am in a position to offer advice that I believe will be beneficial.

1. The sense of security you desire can only be derived from within. It is not something that can be provided by another individual. If you lack a sense of security, you will find fault in your partner's actions, regardless of how well they perform. To address this, it is essential to identify the underlying cause of your insecurity and address it directly to achieve resolution.

2. Take responsibility for your emotions. When you have negative emotions, it is acceptable to express them in an appropriate manner. However, it is crucial to identify the appropriate individual with whom to express them. Even after expressing your emotions, it is essential to confront them. Understanding the origin of your emotions and the pain they evoke is crucial. Then, it is necessary to acknowledge and accept these emotions before moving forward.

3. Prioritize self-care, cultivate self-love, and you will be better equipped to love others. Take steps to improve your sense of well-being, such as reading, writing, spending time in nature, and engaging in public welfare activities. Build inner strength through yoga, breathing exercises, meditation, and other practices.

4. Identify and address any misperceptions you may have. This entails actively developing yourself through reading pertinent literature or enrolling in relevant courses.

Hello, dear questioner!

Hi there! I'm Kelly. I can totally relate to your feelings because I've been there too. It's so disappointing when our expectations of understanding are dashed, right?

I only learned this after studying psychology. It's so sad, but many friends actually don't empathize, not because they mean to, but because they haven't experienced the same thing and can't relate.

Please, come here and let it all out. There are so many people here who understand you, just like I do.

✍️[Friend says you're being dramatic]

I've been there too! I told a few close friends about my marital troubles, but instead of helping me, they made me feel even worse.

I later figured out why.

1: It's because I've been through things my friend hasn't, so they can't really empathize with me.

2: I often tell my friends that they are actually very annoyed inside because they are not capable of helping me solve this problem. At first, they might still listen patiently, but after listening to me a lot, they will just say one word and call me "stupid."

3: I thought of my own experience. Back then, I hadn't studied psychology. I had a close friend who used to ask me if I wanted to divorce my husband. I would always tell her, "You're the one who makes the decisions in your marriage."

As it turned out, I was right! When she and her husband were getting along well, she especially hated the people around her who were persuading her to get a divorce.

4: When we complain to friends, we don't really want an answer. But guess what? The answer is actually in everyone's heart!

5: We just want to be comforted. (Now that I think about it, at least friends can keep each other company.)

? As the saying goes, every family has its own unique challenges.

We can't fully understand or know the stories of others, just as friends can't understand us.

6: Friend's 2⃣️difficult emotions. As I mentioned in the third point, there are always two people in a relationship. A friend can only say that you are "acting" because she feels that your relationship is good, but she doesn't say anything about your husband's problems. At least she also hopes that your marriage will be happy.

✍️[Lack of love]

Maybe each of us has a missing piece in our original family and hopes that the other person understands us. It's so important to try to understand each other, don't you think?

We all have our own expectations, don't we?

Marriage is a beautiful partnership between two people. As the number of people involved grows from two to three or four, we add the roles of parents to those of husband and wife.

So just grow in the relationship together! Maybe your husband doesn't really understand you yet, but at least he is someone who accepts you.

It was only after decades of marriage that I came to understand that tolerance is the hardest part of marriage.

I'm also someone who feels insecure sometimes. After getting married, I was a little worried and anxious for a while. I'd love to share with you how I felt at that time:

1: I think it would be really lovely if my husband could take the initiative to buy me flowers on special occasions like birthdays and holidays.

And I forget that my wonderful husband has actually given me everything, and I have his salary card in my hands.

2: When I'm sick, I want him to comfort me, but my husband is a straight man. He says, "If you have something to tell me," (he's never been sick, so he has no idea how I feel, and he certainly doesn't comfort me), but that doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It's just that I'm using my own standards to measure love and lack of love, and I think that's okay!

3: I like it when he guesses, and I don't like to tell him my true feelings (in fact, no one can read minds). He will think that work is important and that making more money will make me feel at ease, while I'm in the middle of my emotions, guessing every day whether he loves me or not.

4: I just wonder, if he doesn't love me, why did he marry me?

5: I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, but I'm afraid that he doesn't love me. So I always use divorce to force him to say "I love you," and I won't leave you.

Time and time again, I've had a bit of an emotional outburst over these things. It's been tough, but we've always managed to pull through. We've been through a lot together and we still love each other, even if we do have our moments.

6: Self-growth. When I realized my own problems, I did some really great things. I studied psychology in a systematic way, sought out counselors, and slowly saw the real me. I saw the self that was afraid of not being loved and the self that was fearful.

When I grew up, I also saw the reasons and problems behind my own psychology. I slowly stopped being afraid, and I knew my own problems and knew why my emotions were the way they were. It was such a relief to finally understand myself!

I'm so grateful that I got to learn about psychology, find myself, and become more confident and secure.

I can see from what you've shared that you feel your husband doesn't care. If he didn't love you, would you still be together? I'm sure he does, but it's natural to feel this way sometimes.

So he must love you!

I've got a few suggestions for you:

1: Take some time to think about why you might not have felt loved as a child. It could be that your parents were too busy, or you had a lot of siblings.

2: I just wanted to check in and see if you're sure you can find an ideal lover who loves you more than your current husband if you do get divorced?

3: If you're feeling insecure about yourself, it's totally normal! We all have our strengths, and it's so important to recognize them.

4: It's so important to communicate your true feelings with your husband more often. It's totally normal to feel insecure at first, but it's also important to remember that you can't expect your husband to read your mind. There's a period of adjustment in any marriage, and communication is key!

I highly recommend reading "Nonviolent Communication."

We all experience this confusion at some point in our lives, and I was no exception. As we grow up, we start to see the good in our partners.

I know it can be hard to believe, but I think you'll be surprised if you try it for yourself. Just write down the other person's 20 virtues, apart from the "not attentive" flaw.

And at the start of your acquaintance, what did you find most impressive about him? I'd love to know!

We can also keep chatting and sharing ideas whenever you like!

Huge congratulations!

Hi, I'm Kelly!

I love you, world! And I love you, too!

Hello, my name is Strawberry!

It's so sad to see how unhappy the questioner is in their marriage. They've confided in friends who say that their behaviour is not appropriate, but the questioner feels angry and aggrieved. They think their friends should understand them better.

I've actually experienced something similar with the original poster, but I was the one who listened. My friend and her husband fought all the time, and every time they fought, they said they were going to get a divorce. At first, I tried to persuade them not to, but when I saw how badly they were fighting, I just tried to defuse the situation, because I knew they needed more time to work things out.

I'm sorry to say that the problem wasn't really solved.

As an outsider, I can see more clearly the problems between them. After giving them advice, I let them solve the problem themselves. A few days after the argument, they made up, but they didn't take the advice I gave. I think it's fine for them to have their own solution, but they didn't really solve the problem. Instead, one party compromised, and then felt that things had passed like that. But, the unresolved problems still exist, and it will still cause arguments the next time there is a conflict.

It seems like the fact that you and your husband have split up and gotten back together multiple times shows that the problems between you have not been resolved. It's possible that your reconciliation was a compromise by one party to make those emotions temporarily disappear, and the issues that caused your arguments have not really been resolved.

We all think differently, and that's okay!

We all have different things we're interested in. From what the questioner said, it seems like her husband doesn't care about her, which might be a sign that he doesn't love her. But the questioner's husband doesn't see it that way. Men and women often think differently. The wife thinks that if she doesn't say anything, her husband will understand her or that her husband will always remember what she said, otherwise he doesn't value her. But for the husband, his wife has a million thoughts inside, and he doesn't understand where she's angry. They just feel like things have suddenly changed. Just now it was fine, but now it's like a bomb going off.

When our husbands discover our emotions on their own, it can be said that we will be angry for at least a few days. They will only realize our anger when they can't stand it anymore. So, in this situation of different thinking, the best way is to express it directly, express the problems and emotions at the time, so that our husbands can see where we care about and are angry about. Communication is the bridge of every relationship, and more communication can promote the maintenance of the relationship.

♥ Empathy

A few days of little arguments, a big argument every couple of weeks, and whenever there was an argument, they would come to me to vent, saying how unhappy and tired they were in this marriage. After seeing how tired my friends were in their marriages, I finally persuaded them to either separate or not torture each other. After a few days of showing affection for each other, I felt like I could turn to stone, and I also felt like I was destroying their relationship. So later, when she wanted to come to me to vent, I had to say no, not because I didn't want to, but because this was the rhythm of a dead end.

Later on, I realized that my friend was just looking for someone to understand her emotions. I was trying to teach her what to do by giving her too many suggestions. I should have just listened and analyzed the situation for her instead of giving her advice. Just like the questioner, you were looking for someone to talk to because you were having a fight with your husband. So you asked your friend. At first, you believed that she had also given you some advice. But as you two stayed the same, she knew that you didn't want her opinion or suggestions. You just wanted to vent your anger. When she said "acting," she was just referring to your attitude at the time, not your character or personality.

I'd highly recommend reading Intimate Relationship Management and Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationship. We're not born to love; we're all on the path of learning. Why not read these books together with your husband? Discuss the problems that exist between you, face them together, and solve them together. I truly believe you can have the life you want. And remember, complaining won't change your life. Sometimes giving some praise and encouragement can also promote the relationship between the two of you.

I really hope my answer helps the questioner. Wishing you all the best!

"A friend's honesty can make people feel uneasy."

My friend, calm down. Your marriage is unhappy, you are not happy, you have found a friend but you are still being ignored, you are feeling depressed. We can let go of such painful memories.

Love yourself, be confident, and don't be weak. Be like a strong tree. Marriage is a partnership, so teach each other.

A positive attitude helps you recognize the root cause of marital unhappiness.

Sometimes people who don't understand moods can be confused when getting along.

When we get along with others, we can be too sincere. If we don't know how to gauge the situation, it can be counterproductive.

Love and marriage aren't things you can force. A man should know how to love, cherish, and tolerate a woman. Marriage isn't a game. It takes courage to marry someone and a lifetime of commitment to protect a marriage.

At first, you love each other. But over time, you face silent days as you navigate life together.

It may seem ordinary, but it's not uneventful. We all have the same amount of time, but we live it differently. Can you and I live together and love each other?

Everyone is different. If a friend responds to you this way, don't take it personally. It's just how he thinks about you. In a marriage, we have to be decisive and carefree.

Talk to your husband and improve your relationship.

I believe the questioner will be able to resolve such problems. Besides, friends don't say

The words aren't your heart's words, are they?

You have the right to speak.

Learning to get along with others is a skill. Let's master communication, improve our relationships, and hope our efforts are rewarded.

Stay strong, OP.