Intervention versus neglect: A dilemma between problem-solving and emotion-solving?

Neither intervention nor simply allowing her to work through the issue independently has proven effective in addressing your girlfriend's challenges. Her personality type makes it difficult for her to accept negative information, and she tends to remain in a state of inertia while gradually processing these challenges.

Her father displays a lack of patience, while her mother is indifferent. These family dynamics have likely contributed to a foundation of sadness and depression, as well as fostering a tendency towards cowardice. She is reluctant to decline others' requests while experiencing suffering and self-blame, yet she is unable to heed advice.

A potential breakthrough may be found in her competitive spirit. If she can maintain her inner confidence, she may benefit from counseling. If she is willing to improve herself, this could be a valuable avenue.

If she is unwilling to accept direction from others, it is unlikely that anyone in her immediate circle will be able to influence her. The only way to prompt her to identify and address her own issues is for her to make some changes.

This is all I can inform you at this time. If you wish to remain current, you must make progress. Forgetting about the situation will not be effective, nor will direct confrontation. A more professional, dedicated, and gentle approach will have a subtle and silent effect on her. Best of luck.

Please advise.

Dear Question Asker,

From your title, I understand that you and your girlfriend are high-achievers, and that she is currently facing challenges related to submitting her graduation thesis and finding employment.

You have already completed the course and are seeking to provide your girlfriend with advice to help her avoid detours, submit her thesis successfully, and find an ideal job. You are a highly attentive individual who has already planned out the rest of your lives together. However, you are now seeking to ensure that your girlfriend follows your plan. What you did not anticipate is that there are problems in "some important aspects" of your relationship, which is causing you significant distress.

From your account, I understand my girlfriend's upbringing and some of the personal issues she is facing. You have indicated that she is undergoing a process of "over-correction."

May I assume that you have observed some positive changes in her behavior and have accepted her in this process?

She has high standards for herself and experiences distress when she perceives a lack of progress. She is aware of areas for improvement, which further hinders her ability to achieve her goals.

Furthermore, you have observed that she tends to dwell on her perceived shortcomings, leading to a negative self-assessment. Currently, she is experiencing a high level of distress, and when confronted with external feedback, she tends to perceive it as criticism.

Once her sense of self-protection kicks in, she will "argue with the sky, the earth, and everything." As someone you know best, it is unavoidable.

Your dilemma: you are unsure of the best way to assist your girlfriend. If you "point out her mistakes," she may react strongly, leading to conflict. If you "let her be," you are concerned that her current state may prevent her from completing her thesis on time, which could impact her job search. Here is what I would like to share with you:

1. You are aware of your girlfriend's upbringing. Children who grow up in such families have experienced excessive criticism and evaluation. What TAs often lack is encouragement and support. If you also "point out" to her like her family does, she will regard you as one of those who have criticized her. She will immediately put you in an opposing position. When emotions run high, reason cannot come out. Any analysis and reasoning you give her will be invalid.

She is unresponsive to our suggestions.

2. There are notable differences in the ways men and women perceive and process information. When presented with a situation, men tend to prioritize immediate action and problem-solving, which aligns with a more rational approach.

The individual in question may experience discomfort when faced with certain situations. Their feelings and thoughts on the matter are likely to be influenced by their emotional state.

While you may wish to inform her of the correct procedure and how to avoid delays, it is also important to consider why she has not grasped this. You will then spend time trying to explain the situation to her, ensuring you use the correct terminology and language to ensure she understands.

It is advisable to avoid focusing on her feelings at this juncture. Doing so may impede the progress of the conversation.

For example, you can say, "Well, there is something to your approach, and I can see that you have invested a great deal of effort. Here is another way I can approach it, let's see if it is more effective..." This sentence contains several messages: it affirms the other person's ideas, proposes your own method for their reference, and caters to their need to be respected.

3. We are aware of the other person's primary interest, so we should reinforce that aspect. In line with the principles of "do more of what works" and "encourage her when she does a good job," we should recognize her more and encourage her more.

In an intimate business relationship, we support and accommodate each other and make progress together. I wish you all the best!

Hello, question asker!

You've got it pretty much spot on. You want to help your girlfriend get out from under her family's influence and at least help her finish her thesis and graduate. You care about your girlfriend and respect her, but you're stuck between helping her or letting her figure it out on her own.

Has your girlfriend had a chance to process what you've shared with her? Or has she already recognized the issue, but when faced with criticism, she struggles to maintain control of her emotions and tends to "suffer and self-blame"?

The first step is for the other person to recognize and perceive these parts so that change can truly happen.

Men tend to solve problems by listing the 123 problems and corresponding solutions, but women may be more emotional. They may know about the problem at a rational level, but they may not be able to make any changes to break through the influence of their family of origin on themselves over the years. That timid, powerless, and inferior part of them cannot follow rational guidance and make changes immediately. At this time, you need to spend more time with your partner and be able to listen to and accompany them.

Changing oneself is tough. It seems like your girlfriend is going through a rough patch, but this familiar state of pain is sometimes a form of protection for her. When it comes to her thesis, you can find out what challenges she's currently facing, what plans she has, and where she needs your support.

If the other person is really struggling to complete their thesis and knows they won't graduate, it might be time to be more tolerant and accepting. In the other person's heart, they hope that even if they fail and accomplish nothing, they'll still have someone to encourage and support them, so they can confirm that they're worthy of love.

One day, the other person will take real action and make a change.

You might want to ask your girlfriend if she'd be open to seeing a psychologist. Many universities have counseling centers, and there are also counseling services in the community. Best of luck!

From what I can tell, the questioner is a smart cookie. He's got a good head on his shoulders and thinks things through. I bet he's good at intervention-versus-neglect-a-dilemma-between-problem-solving-and-emotion-solving-7482.html" target="_blank">problem-solving and has a strong foundation in psychology.

It can be tricky to know when to focus on problem-solving and when to let things run their course.

It's totally normal for problems and emotions to come up together. What's different for each of us is how we feel about the same problem.

I don't know if the original poster has heard of this saying: deal with the mood first, then deal with the problem. I think it's a great approach!

You know your girlfriend's standards for you and see her current overcorrection as a temporary good sign. So, why rush to point out problems or give advice?

Let's take a moment to understand why you, with the best of intentions, tried to point out the problem and quickly solve it, but she immediately became upset.

You've already looked into her upbringing. When we're teenagers, we're not always the best at seeing ourselves clearly. Our friends and family can have a big impact on how we see ourselves. When she finally had enough of the criticism and accusations, she began to dislike her own cowardice and wanted to make a change. She began to fight back, and all of this was a mandatory part of her growth.

It's because of this kind of experience that she'll become particularly sensitive to other people's comments, especially those from people close to her. This will make her feel the same bad feelings she had when she was criticized by someone close to her.

So, when she gets upset by your pointing out her problems, it's not that she's angry with you. It's more that your approach reminds her of a time when she was criticized.

Even though she's not upset with you, you did bring up something that reminds her of how she felt when she was criticized by someone close to her. So, it's understandable if she's still feeling that way.

You know, there's a simpler way to help her out. Just go with her when she's having a tough time.

You can ask her, "You seem a little agitated right now. Is there anything I can help you with?"

If she's up for chatting, you can ask her if she'd like you to just listen or if she'd prefer you to share your thoughts. [Do you want to... or do you want to...]

The purpose of the previous question is to let her know that you're aware of her situation and that you care about her. If she doesn't want to talk about it, then give her the space to work through it on her own.

Just let her know that you're always there for her if she needs you.

The latter question is just to make sure she knows whether she wants to talk about her feelings or get your advice. If she just wants to vent, that's okay! Just listen. But if she wants advice, then give her your full attention.

This is a way of showing respect and relationship-with-another-woman-how-should-you-proceed-5719.html" target="_blank">trust.

It's so important to remember that giving the other person unwanted forms of care can easily make them feel like they're not trusted or are being looked down upon. We all know how bad that kind of feeling is, so let's be careful not to give it to anyone!

If you really can't stand it and are eager to help her,

Then, show her how you feel in a different way. Mention what you want to teach her, but don't point out her problems.

You can say, "If I were in your shoes, I'd probably approach it this way..." or "If I could offer you a different perspective, I'd say..." or "If I could give you my analysis, I'd say..." This way, you'll get a bunch of different ideas to think about.

Just remember, it's not nice to say anything negative about the other person.

You can express yourself, but you don't need to start by pointing out what the other person did wrong.

We all see things differently, don't we? What she thinks is the best way might not seem ideal to you, but it's the best she can do. And it's totally okay if you feel frustrated when you're rejected. It can be a tough spot to be in.

If you're still outdone, it can feel pretty frustrating, I know.

You can express your opinion, but it's important to remember that it's her life and she gets to decide what's right for her.

It's not so great to say something and then expect the other person to change in your way, don't you think?

If the other person doesn't do it, they say, "Oh well, I've said what I needed to say, so it's up to you whether you listen or not."

This approach might not fully consider the other person's emotions, and it might rush to find a quick solution.

It's great that you want to solve problems, but this approach can make the other person feel pressured and unimportant.

This might make the other person feel a bit annoyed and useless, which could make them feel more distressed and damage the relationship.

Let's talk about intervention and permissiveness.

So, there's really no need for intervention. And it's even more important not to indulge.

Turn intervention into care, and permissiveness into trust.

I'm sure she'll feel a lot better, and your relationship will be stronger than ever!

The person asking the questions is great!

It's clear that this girl has a boyfriend who really cares about her and loves her. He's not only willing to get to know her family, but he also puts himself in her shoes.

It's easy to get into an awkward situation when trying to comfort someone. Words of concern like "don't think like that" can make the other person feel like their feelings aren't being understood, which can lead to self-pity about their experiences in their family of origin. It's best to wait a while and let the other person come out on their own.

For instance, even though people know smoking is bad for your health and there's a scary picture of a blackened lung on the cigarette packet, no matter how much they're told not to smoke, it doesn't work.

There are ways to do this. For example, I don't get in the way of your smoking, but I do need ways to reduce stress. But when I see you smoking, I get very worried.

The other person's feelings will change instantly: I have the right to make my own choices, I am not being overbearing, and someone cares about me.

There's nothing wrong with putting yourself in someone else's shoes. Just make sure you express yourself in a way that shows you care.

And don't mistake it for blame. The caregiver is acting like an aloof adversary.

Sometimes, you can change the subject by asking about her recent reading list and seeing what kind of character she's relating to through her choices.

We all have a way of protecting ourselves, but reading about other people's experiences can help us feel safer and more at ease. It's also a great way to get to know the people you like better.

Second, if you keep dwelling on the topic of your family of origin, you might also be influenced by its patterns.

It's good to switch between topics, whether they're deep or just interesting.

Young people are still growing and developing, and there's plenty of time for continued friction and communication. When you open up her heart and mind, she'll change.

Ultimately, she needs to help herself.

I'm 3cats, a psychology author who's documenting the healing journey of Yi Xinli.

Hello!

When lovers have "rough times" and "problems," it can lead to a deeper trust and understanding. However, if boundaries are not managed well, it can create a rift.

My girlfriend grew up in an unhappy environment, so her relationships are affected by her "original family." When relationships encounter obstacles, intimacy suffers. My boyfriend is perceptive and has sensed this, which shows he cares. However, when the person involved strongly rejects outside interference, respect and companionship may be the best answer.

Why can't you help her directly?

First, set boundaries. Second, get professional help to figure out the cause.

Your girlfriend is going through a period of reintegrating her studies and her beliefs, so it is normal for her to experience emotional fluctuations and anxiety. Let go of your anxiety and wait for her to sort herself out. Be patient and give her time. When she still cannot return to normal emotions, you can then express your thoughts (but be careful about the way you communicate). This will make her feel a sense of trust and security, and she will be able to find her own path to recovery.

The damage done to the girlfriend by her birth family is a long-standing problem. It requires patience and time to heal. This process requires companionship and professional counseling. Blind actions can backfire.

Advice for the questioner:

Anxiety and unease are not the answer to everything. Being prudent and objective helps you deal with problems.

Don't stress yourself out. If you're overwhelmed, you can't take care of your girlfriend.

Don't panic during the preparation stage of your graduation thesis. Identify the main issues, deal with them in stages, and give emotional support.

Best wishes!

Good day, question asker!

1. Problem sorting:

If you were to intervene in your girlfriend's way of doing things, it might upset her. Conversely, if you don't intervene, she may have difficulty completing her thesis, which could affect her job search.

You believe that these signs may be hindering her progress, and you find yourself torn between intervening and not intervening. The dilemma mentioned in the title, whether it is problem solving or emotional resolution, is aimed at intervention and change. It seems that you are expressing hope that your girlfriend will become better.

The girlfriend's family problems, personality issues, and her own emotions and handling of the situation described in the text all seem like challenges to you, and you are trying to decide whether to intervene or let it go.

2. Problem thinking:

I would like to kindly invite you to consider

Could you please tell me how these issues are affecting you?

Could you please tell me how you interact with these problems?

How do you think the existence of these "problems" affects your relationship with your girlfriend?

3. If I might offer some advice:

It would be beneficial to show respect.

For these "problems," there may be a third option besides permissiveness and intervention, and that is respect. Your girlfriend's change and growth will begin the moment she is willing to change, the moment she needs to change.

As each individual grows up, they naturally desire the freedom to become independent, to explore and expand their capabilities, and to test their limits. This is an inherent aspect of life's growth.

The meaning of life may be found in the act of choosing. Many of us yearn to make choices that shape our lives. This ongoing process of selecting and acting on our own behalf is a path to becoming who we truly are and to realizing our potential. While we can offer our opinions or make suggestions, it is also important to respect the other person's freedom to make their own choices and decisions.

It would be helpful to try to understand.

It seems that she is suffering from anxiety related to learning, adapting to society, and interacting with you. Could the multiple pressures be making it more challenging for her to move forward? It might be helpful to try to understand the reasons behind her actions, the difficulties she is facing in the current situation, and then to inquire about the kind of support she might need.

Perhaps it would be beneficial to shift your focus away from these challenges and towards fostering a positive relationship. A "problem" is not necessarily a problem; it depends on how you perceive it and how it affects your relationship.

Perhaps we could consider how much we can do? It seems that every adult has the freedom to choose, and also needs to take responsibility for their choices.

This includes taking responsibility for your emotions and your actions. It is understandable that you are concerned and worried, given that you have observed that she has problems learning, is having trouble completing her thesis, and that her subsequent job search is being affected.

However, everyone is an individual, and you and your girlfriend are no exception. It's important to remember that we can't impose our thoughts and logic on others unless they're willing to accept them.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider why her "problem" is your problem. This might be the real issue you need to focus on.

I hope you can gain more from a relationship based on mutual understanding and respect.

Thank you for your question. I wish you the best of luck with your studies!

The original poster cares a lot about his girlfriend and is facing a dilemma. I don't know what to do.

I want to tell friends who want to help others, "Your intentions are good, but we may not be able to help. Everyone is responsible for their own choices, and we can only do our best with our own affairs."

The original poster may ask, "After all, she is my girlfriend, so I can't just let her go."

We can't change her, but we can influence her with our actions.

1. Show her unconditional love.

Everyone is affected by love. Your girlfriend's family situation – "grumpy father, indifferent mother, relatives who casually accuse and scold" – is like this. She must have felt unloved since she was a child.

Her cowardly personality is also a kind of flattery. She is afraid that others will not like her, so she flatters the people around her.

Tell her you love her unconditionally, and that no matter what she is like, you will still be with her. You hope that she will become better, but you hope even more that she can truly be herself.

Human relationships are delicate. When you become more assertive, she will become more rebellious and resistant.

This is how she fights against her parents, and she will use this habitual behavior to resolve such situations.

"She may cry a lot, or she may smash things and then cry a lot."

However, you can change your approach and infect her with love, which will make her make some changes.

Everyone wants to be seen, respected, and noticed. If you feel that someone is always quietly supporting you, you will try harder to do more. It's as simple as that.

2. Help her accept her imperfect self.

We often think that we are good and that the problems are with other people. In fact, the shortcomings we see in others are a kind of projection of our own shortcomings. It is particularly difficult to change ourselves, so we feel angry at other people, which reduces the attacks on ourselves.

Your girlfriend is following this pattern: "She began to consciously fight back against anyone who had a negative opinion of her."

This shows that she is unable to accept her own shortcomings, which is hindering her progress.

Help her relax some of her "perfect rules."

For example, I must be all-around capable.

It should be changed to "I can be all-round."

I can be all-around in some ways through constant hard work.

Your girlfriend will gradually have fewer rules to follow. When she loosens these rules, accepts her own imperfections, she will also begin to accept some of the opinions and suggestions of others.

3. Find out what's really going on when you help your girlfriend.

There's a reason behind everyone's behavior. If you want to continue getting along with your girlfriend or have more expectations of her,

Set clear goals and intentions and then set expectations.

We can't change other people. We can only change ourselves and then influence other people.

In interpersonal relationships, it is crucial to differentiate between God's work, other people's work, and our own work. We must accept responsibility for our own choices.

We don't live with other people's burdens. This is the boundary between people, and there are also boundaries in intimate relationships.

Your hard work will affect your girlfriend, making her want to become a better version of herself.

Ultimately, whether it's out of love for her or for other reasons, the most important thing to focus on is the questioner's own life.

When you get better, the people around you will also get better.

You will become a better person in your relationships. Your girlfriend will become better with you. I wish you the best.