Lacking emotional fulfillment, how can one obtain the love they need from a mother who can never provide it?

Hello, question asker!

From what you've shared, it seems there might be some internal conflict. On the one hand, you've experienced a scolding from your mother, and on the other, you're concerned about how your actions might be affecting her. It's clear that you're a kindhearted child.

From what you've shared, it seems you've already been diagnosed and are taking medication as prescribed. It's important to adhere to this plan and not discontinue the medication without consulting your doctor. Regular check-ups are also essential to monitor your condition and ensure you're on the right track.

In addition, after your mother scolds you, you go back to your room and wonder if she is sad or regrets it. This is a possibility, but it would be helpful to verify it. Even if it is one of the possible outcomes and she is sad, it is not your fault, and you do not need to blame yourself because it is not your fault at all.

Please find below some suggestions that you may find helpful.

It might be helpful to consider communicating more with other family members who are warm towards you.

2) You might also consider reaching out to good friends more often and talking with them.

3) Could you perhaps try doing some exercise that you can accept, such as running or brisk walking, to invigorate your body?

4) You might also consider counseling in addition to taking medication.

In any case, I am optimistic that you will make a full recovery.

I hope this message finds you well. Please accept my best regards.

Hello, questioner!

If you were in front of me, I would definitely let you have a good cry. I might cry too, because a year ago I was just like you. I almost doubt that I wrote this post.

My mother is a carbon copy of yours. She's always worried that I don't have enough material things, but never cares about my inner feelings. She says she's doing what's best for me, but what she says is always hurtful.

She never approves of anything I do, and she nags me about the smallest things. I'm also sensitive, and I want my mother to understand and respect me. She can't feel what I'm feeling and always thinks I don't understand her, but that's not true.

I have been struggling with my relationship with her for a long time. I have argued with her, but she simply cannot understand me. I have tried to accommodate her and satisfy her, but she can find fault with me no matter what.

I went to see a counselor because I knew I couldn't take it anymore. She told me that I needed to learn to love myself first. She said that I had been expending energy on my relationship with my mother, and that if I had used that energy to love myself, I would not have had so many conflicts and struggles.

I also read a book called "The Gaslight Effect" by American author Robin Stern. The manipulator-victim relationship it describes is, without a doubt, very similar to the relationship between a mother and her children.

This kind of relationship is common among parents and children, partners, superiors and subordinates, friends and colleagues. It is an unequal relationship. If we care about someone and want their approval, we are putting ourselves in the position of the manipulated.

The good news is that the key to ending the relationship is in your hands. When you stop seeking approval from this person, the relationship ceases to exist.

At the time, I found this very difficult to do. My mother is arguably the most important person in our lives, and she is connected to us by blood. How could I not care about her approval? I told myself, "It's okay. My mother's cognitive abilities won't allow her to understand me like this, so I have to give up and stop pursuing her approval."

I suddenly felt relieved. I don't need my mother's approval.

You've got this.

Free yourself from manipulation and live your own life.

I am Haru Aoki, and I love you, the world.

Good morning,

The parent-child relationship, which is often more intimate than blood ties, can sometimes make it challenging to fully comprehend each other's perspectives. While there are instances where understanding is achieved, it is often difficult to fully grasp the nuances of a situation. This highlights the impact that experience can have on an individual's perspective and ability to empathize with others.

The mother is a strong-willed individual who is also impatient. Consequently, the majority of time spent together is spent either talking or judging, which prevents her from calming down and listening. Without being able to hear the other person, her judgment becomes biased.

As a child, and especially as a child with a more delicate personality, her emotional expression is bound to be tactful and even soft. Therefore, she hopes that her mother can hear her inner voice, but her voice is blocked because this is a long-term communication pattern that forms a gap between the two generations.

What is the best way to establish a productive communication channel?

1. Modify the communication method.

When the original communication model is ineffective, regardless of the quantity of output, the other party will be unable to receive it. To overcome these barriers, it is essential to modify the communication model and ensure that the other party is aware of the importance of effective communication and the issues hindering it.

For example, the mother may say, "I previously advised that this approach would not be effective." At this juncture, the daughter may offer an explanation or engage in a debate, but the mother's perception remains unchanged.

Once the mother's communication style is identified, the feedback will be: "What are you hoping to achieve by communicating in this way with your child? If you believe this is an effective motivational or encouraging approach, I would prefer you to provide me with comfort when I am feeling low, otherwise I will be unable to comply with your requests..."

This is conscious communication, a process that considers the feelings of the other person and involves continual questioning and confirmation. A conversation like this is likely to prompt the other person to become more aware, enable them to adjust their language and re-establish communication.

2. Accept your mother's limitations and provide guidance in a gradual and supportive manner.

Let's consider a scenario in which a child approaches you and discloses that he has been bullied. It can be challenging to help him recover from this loss immediately. However, you can calmly reassure him by stating, "It's not a significant issue. Next time, if you find a way to avoid being bullied, you will still be the stronger individual." This may help him feel more confident in managing his emotions. This approach can also be applied to mothers. It may seem that she is the elder and does not require guidance, but in reality, she may not know how to ask for help. However, she still needs assistance. Her daughter can serve as her mentor in navigating life's challenges. However, due to her age and experience, she may not be able to confront her mother directly. In such cases, it is essential to provide guidance in a gradual and supportive manner, while also working to change her mother's fixed ideas.

3. It is essential to evaluate the facts objectively and maintain an open mind when making decisions.

If your mother's difficulties have affected your emotional state, it is important to calm your emotions and avoid negative thinking. An imbalance of emotions can cause anxiety, which in turn can lead to further emotional issues. This is a vicious cycle. It is advisable to treat your mother's affairs with an objective perspective and focus on your own needs. It is important to recognise that your mother's comments are not objective and that you should not be influenced by them.

It is important to understand that resistance to one's mother is often driven by a deep-seated desire for love and recognition. It is crucial to remember that as long as the mother provides unconditional love and support, her natural gentleness will eventually emerge.

Let's proceed.

Dear questioner, Thank you so much for your question!

After reading your question, I could really relate to what you were saying. I'd love to get involved and have a chat.

1. About emotional deprivation.

I can see you're struggling with some emotional issues. It's so hard when we feel emotionally deprived, especially when our mothers don't give us the love we need. I'm here to support you through this.

As you can see from the question, the questioner really needs emotional support, acceptance, love, and other psychological needs from their mother, right?

But your mother makes you feel sad, and she can't give you what you need, right?

Oh, I think it's really important that we make a distinction here. Did our mother not want to give it to us, or was she unable to?

To figure this out, we actually need to go back to my mother's family and see how my grandparents raised her. Don't worry, the answer will gradually surface!

The subject of love is something we are always learning about, and it can be quite difficult. If we want to understand the source of our emotional deprivation, it would be really helpful to go back to our mother's family of origin and take a good look at how she was raised.

2. Now, let's talk about how the questioner sees himself in his mother's eyes.

"Seeing my vulnerability as incompetence and my need for love as pretentious. Whenever I encounter setbacks in life, my mother is always the one who hurts me the most by saying the most hurtful things with the best intentions. But she thinks I'm the one who doesn't know how to be touched!" In this part,

I can totally relate to feeling sad and hurt when you don't feel understood by your mom.

It's totally normal to feel sad when we especially need to be treated gently. It can be really hurtful when the person closest to us, our mother, doesn't understand us.

But I want to tell you that it's not your fault. So please, please respect your feelings.

At the same time, it's important to return those unreasonable beliefs and thoughts to your mother and reject her projections. It's clear that your mother's belief that vulnerability is incompetence is just a projection on her part, not a fact.

The truth is that the more someone can accept their own vulnerability, the stronger they are. It's so important to remember that it's not the so-called incompetence that your mother thinks.

This way of thinking of your mother, which is called dualistic opposition, is actually the source of her own pain.

If you agree with this, it's only natural that you'd feel a little pain.

3. I know you want your mom to understand you, sweetie.

I can relate to this part: "I long for her to truly understand me, but the truth is that it is completely impossible, and I am very sad."

This is a tough one, right? It's that feeling of wanting something but not getting it. We can see that the questioner still has a lot of expectations of your mother, which is why you're feeling so disappointed.

I really feel for you, sweetie. If only your mom could give you a little more understanding, she totally would! I'm sure she's done her best and given you everything she can.

It's important to remember that there's no way we can expect a mother who has never received understanding to give us understanding. That would be pretty unfair to someone who has never received understanding.

Because love itself is actually a feeling of being full of love (such as being understood) in one's heart, and only then can one flow this love out through one's heart.

So, the questioner can try to let go of the expectation of being understood by their mother as much as possible. It's also a good idea to find a suitable object relationship, such as a professional psychological counselor, to help you solve this problem of being understood.

I really hope this answer helps you. I love you so much, and I'm sending you all my love from the world.

Hello, question asker! I'm the silver fox, your answerer!

From your words, I feel a great deal of sadness, deep resistance, and a strong sense of disassociation. Through your words, I can see your dedication, hard work, and expectations, as well as your resistance and unease. I can also see your resilience and determination to overcome these challenges!

I can feel some strong emotional swings in your writing, as well as deep attachment and love. To answer your question, I think we can start by sorting things out a bit, and I will also share some of my own thoughts, hoping to provide you with a different perspective. I'm excited to share my insights with you!

Let's dive right in and explore what we've experienced!

Let's dive right in and take a look at what we've been through!

We can see that our main problem seems to stem from ineffective communication between the two of them, but behind every event and every emotion there seems to be some hidden message, perhaps some feelings that we have been trying to avoid, but their existence is meaningful. Let's take a look at these situations and see what is really hidden behind them!

Two people, two personalities! We see that throughout the text, we express the view that the emotional patterns of the two people are "two completely different types of people."

This is absolutely true! We often say that children's character development is definitely influenced by their parents.

Even in such extreme cases, I think there is an intricate connection behind it. The formation of ideas and character is generally related to the environment in which we grow up. In what ways does the earliest environment (the family of origin) conflict with our ideas?

As we've seen, we've communicated throughout our growth process, but there's still room for improvement! I'm curious: what's our communication style like, and what can we do to make it even better?

2. We really want to understand and be supported. We see that on the material level, we've gained a lot, but on the spiritual level, we feel a strong sense of deprivation.

Many of our expressions were meant to show our mothers our vulnerability in order to gain their understanding and support. While they were often misunderstood and criticized, we tried hard to show our wounds. The gap between what we got in return was a learning experience!

Have we ever expressed our desires? Have we ever expressed our feelings to our mothers and received feedback from them? It's time to find out!

3. We feel more hurt when we are frustrated. What we see is that when we encounter frustration, our mother's way of dealing with it makes us feel deeply hurt. But there's a way to turn this around!

But here's the amazing thing: we deeply understand what our mother is doing. Even if we don't feel comfortable, we can still feel that "our mother always means well." We have our own desires and we also receive our mother's good intentions. The only thing we can't accept is her methods and approaches.

And now for the big question: what can we do about it?

First of all, I really hope we can find some time to "chat" with ourselves. If possible, I think it's absolutely best to give ourselves a private space and a safe environment to see how we view ourselves and our situation.

Over the years of growing up, our experiences and efforts must have had an effect. It would be really great if we could have a serious chat with ourselves about how the current situation came about!

So, when did it all start? And what efforts have we made along the way?

So, what do we want to achieve? What are we hoping to gain from this process?

Who do we want to change the most in our efforts? Is our overall feeling caused by the disappointment of expectations for what we have done, or is it an emotional reaction to our parents' lack of understanding? Let's explore both of these possibilities and see what we can do to move forward!

Next, we get to explore what we can do! There are probably several ways to achieve the goal of moving on, which will make it easier for us.

1. Face our own desires!

From your words, I can feel your excellence and hard work. Throughout the whole process of growing up, when did our "disagreement in philosophy" begin?

If we go back to that time, what did we want to achieve? What did we long for most at that time?

Perhaps we've forgotten what we wanted during our years of growth, and what we've written down may be more about our deepest obsession at the time. But there's so much more to it than that! There's a single, powerful thought that has always supported us in persevering through our drifting state and clinging on when "ideas don't match." And behind this thought, there's a part of longing waiting to be fulfilled!

And the most exciting part is that we get to find out exactly what we want!

2. Accept and understand their actions.

I truly believe that every parent loves their children! They may not always know how to show it, and they might make mistakes along the way. But that's okay! We all learn and grow from our experiences.

It's totally normal to feel a little uneasy when our parents don't understand us. We might even feel a bit resistant or angry. But here's the thing: we can't control our parents, and they can't control us. So, let's focus on what we can do.

But the best thing we can do is live for ourselves and take responsibility for ourselves! We can't change anyone else, but we can change ourselves. And that's something we can all do!

We can choose to look at our parents' words and deeds from a different perspective. We can stop taking them as real resistance and start turning resistance into motivation! This is not an easy task for us who have been in such an environment for a long time, but adversity is the best opportunity for growth!

3. Correcting the family order is a great way to make life lighter!

It's so important to remember that throughout this process, the original poster never mentioned the father. Everyone's position in the family system is very important! In family relationships, parents should stay in their parent position, while children should stay in their child position.

However, in life, for various reasons, some children will overstep the mark and take on the role of their parents, shouldering responsibilities that should be theirs and playing a role that is absent or ambiguous. When this feeling arises, we rarely pay special attention to our emotional feelings. This is when we realize that we may have already had a misplaced identity relationship with our parents (i.e., the child has taken on the role of the parent, or has replaced the role of one of the parents).

When a relationship is out of place, it's time to take a step back and assess the situation. Our emotional feelings are objective and true, and if neither party is willing to let go, the situation will only become more challenging. It's time to remind ourselves that everyone has their own life, and no one can be responsible for each other. We can't afford to take on that responsibility, so it's time to let go and move on.

You can only be truly responsible for your own life, and others are responsible for their own happiness and sorrows. All you can do is do your best, be content, and go with the flow!

When we draw such a line, even if our parents don't change much, we will feel that we can walk more lightly. And you know what? By unloading the heavy burden on our hearts and getting rid of that distorted sense of mission, life being chased by wolves can also become chasing butterflies!

4. Correcting one's position can make life so much easier!

We always want to do our best, meet our parents' expectations, and receive encouragement and praise. We may also try to attract our parents' attention by resisting, to increase the attention we receive.

Everyone longs to be valued in life, and they especially want the care and attention of their parents, so that they can feel a strong sense of security and dependence. But in reality, things often go wrong, and what our parents give us may not be what we want. So, let's focus on what we can do to make things better!

What can we do?

Focus on your strengths and achievements!

Surround yourself with confident people!

Keep that sense of pride alive!

It's time to build on your strengths and avoid your weaknesses!

Set yourself some great goals!

Join a small group that you are interested in and are willing to integrate—it'll be one of the best decisions you ever make!

5. Seeking professional help is a great way to get the support you need!

If you're facing problems in relationships, don't fret! You can seek professional psychological counseling. A professional and systematic approach can help you find a way to reconcile with your family and yourself more quickly. I highly recommend "family systems constellation."

PS: And there's more! 1psych.com also regularly organizes free counseling activities to help people express their emotions and relieve stress.

Facing all that family relationships bring, some people choose to complain, some choose to fight, and some choose to find a more suitable way to get along. The good news is that here, you'll find plenty of enthusiastic little cuties who are willing to walk through the difficult times with you! And there are also many professional listeners and counselors who will give you professional support.

After this series of explorations, you're sure to have found your own answers!

I really hope these insights can accompany you through this difficult time!

I really hope these insights can accompany you through this difficult time!

I really hope everything goes well for you and that you get better and better!

I love you, world! And I love you too!

Hello, questioner. I understand. This may help.

Transform the trauma by returning to real emotions and not overinterpreting negative emotions.

Psychologist Professor Hou Yuzhen said in Because I Am a Woman that everyone is affected by "intergenerational trauma" because our mothers are victims too. We can't expect our mothers to be perfect, and we have to accept their imperfections.

Many people feel hurt and suffer when they are treated badly by their mothers. This makes them think their mothers are hostile.

This kind of behavior is normal. We all want maternal love. But not everyone has a good relationship with their mother. Everyone's family is different, as are their cultural backgrounds and levels of psychological awareness. These issues can make it hard to respond rationally when we encounter trauma.

If you dwell on negative emotions and complain about your mother, you'll suffer from "intergenerational trauma." You'll also pass this on to your children.

You need to learn to "transform" the trauma.

Ms. Hou Yuzhen said the first thing is to face your emotions, not over-analyze or judge them, and learn to accept negative feelings.

If you're not valued by your mother, don't blame yourself. Look at the situation from different points of view.

Second, look at the problem from a different angle. You can see that your mother is partly to blame, so don't punish yourself for her mistakes.

The other part of the trauma is about accepting the facts and not letting bad emotions overwhelm you. Learn to identify with yourself and gain self-confidence from three aspects.

"Self-identification" means knowing your abilities, personality, strengths, and weaknesses.

People who know themselves well have fewer internal conflicts, are less affected by others, and have a high level of self-esteem. They are confident in themselves and feel good about their achievements.

If you know yourself, you won't be easily influenced by gains and losses. You won't base your sense of self-worth on the opinions of others.

To improve self-awareness, accept your imperfections and see the real you.

Some people blame their imperfect character on their imperfect family and complain about their upbringing. This is not helpful.

The best way is to think about yourself in a new way.

If you're betrayed in a relationship, you might feel bad about yourself, complain about reality, and question your experiences.

You need to think about yourself, others, the relationship, and how the facts affect you. You will not think you are a victim.

Second, accept how others will treat you.

Not having a mother or other adult to love you as a child can make you sensitive and lead to an inferiority complex. This can affect your relationships as an adult.

People who lack love often act in ways that are out of character for them.

Some people avoid love because they're afraid of being separated. Others have strong expectations of love because they lack it.

Both of these behaviors can lead to serious problems. The root cause is a lack of self-acceptance. People worry that they are not loved and good enough.

Finally, learn to care for yourself.

Loving yourself is the start of a lifelong romance. Many people care about others' feelings and neglect themselves.

We need to create a nice environment for ourselves.

Do the things you like, avoid bad situations, and find your own sense of accomplishment in your career or life interests. This can also help you heal from trauma.

Psychology: How to heal from a lack of maternal love? Change yourself in these 3 ways.

BeiXun is emotional.

Emotion creator

Pay attention.

Text/Beixun

Internet

Psychologists call it "intergenerational trauma" when parents pass on their negative experiences to their children.

A mother who is traumatized will pass on her trauma to her children.

Psychologists say that intergenerational trauma is caused by repeating the same patterns. If a mother doesn't know herself, she might take out her emotions on her children or project them onto them. This can cause them to suffer from psychological trauma.

A grumpy mother passes on her negative emotions to her children. Another mother was neglected and treated poorly as a child, so she vents her pain on her daughter. An emotionally unavailable mother pins her unfulfilled dreams on her children.

"Intergenerational trauma" is a lack of maternal love. Many mothers guide their children wrongly, letting them grow in the shadow of themselves.

In "Black Swan," Nina and her mother had an unhealthy relationship. The mother controlled Nina's life and her growth. In the end, Nina chose to end her life to escape.

We need to pay attention to intergenerational trauma. How can we deal with trauma caused by a lack of maternal love? We can improve self-awareness and gain opportunities for change in three ways.

01. Learn to "transform" trauma: face your emotions.

Psychologist Professor Hou Yuzhen said in Because I Am a Woman that everyone is affected by "intergenerational trauma" because our mothers are victims too. We can't expect her to be perfect, and we have to accept her imperfections.

Many people feel hurt and suffer when they are treated badly by their mothers. This makes them think their mothers are hostile.

It's normal to want motherly love. But not everyone has a good relationship with their mother. Different backgrounds and levels of awareness make it hard to respond to trauma rationally.

If you dwell on negative emotions and complain about your mother, you'll be affected by "intergenerational trauma." Over time, you may pass this on to your children.

You need to learn to "transform" trauma.

Ms. Hou Yuzhen says the first step is to face your emotions, not overthink them, and accept your negative feelings.

If you're not valued and loved by your mother, don't blame yourself or deny it. Look at your mother's behavior from different points of view and don't blame yourself or her.

Second, look at the problem from a different angle. You can see that the mother is partly to blame, so don't punish yourself for her mistakes.

To deal with trauma, accept the facts and avoid letting bad emotions overwhelm you.

02. Learn to identify yourself and gain confidence.

Self-identification means knowing your abilities, personality, and what you're good at and not so good at.

People with a strong sense of self have fewer internal conflicts, are less influenced by others, and have high self-esteem. They are confident, feel good about themselves, and are happy about their achievements.

If you can identify with yourself, you won't be affected by gains and losses. You won't base your sense of self-worth on opinions of others.

To improve self-awareness, accept your imperfections and see yourself as you really are.

Some people blame their imperfect character on their family of origin and complain about their upbringing. While this may be true, it is not helpful and only increases psychological pressure.

Think critically and view yourself developmentally.

If you're betrayed in a relationship, a sensitive person will feel bad, complain, question their experiences, and let love hurt them.

Think about yourself, others, and the relationship. Don't just see yourself as a victim.

Second, accept how others will treat you.

If you don't have a mother or other caregivers when you're young, you're more likely to be sensitive and have an inferiority complex. This can affect how you relate to others as an adult.

People who lack love are likely to be sensitive, suspicious, or rebellious.

Some people avoid love because they're afraid of being alone. Others have high expectations because they lack it.

Both behaviors can lead to serious problems. The main reason is a lack of self-acceptance. People who focus on others, worry about not being loved, and don't perform well enough disrespect themselves.

Finally, you have to learn to take care of yourself.

Loving yourself is good, but many people worry about others and neglect themselves.

Make yourself happy.

Do the things you like, avoid bad situations, and find your own sense of accomplishment in your career or life interests. This can help you feel better.

03. Have good self-esteem and change who you are.

We can't decide our birth, but we can decide our future.

I like Yang Xie's quote:

Your life before age 18 is shaped by your family, but your life after age 18 is up to you.

Even though we can't avoid intergenerational trauma, the good news is that we can reinvent ourselves.

Ms. Hou Yuzhen says that the higher your self-esteem, the stronger you are and the more confident you will be.

The first step to reinventing yourself is to have good self-esteem and not dwell on bad things.

I believe change comes from within, not from others. People who change are better off than those who stay the same.

Self-esteem can be built through self-improvement.

A person with low self-esteem can rebuild their confidence and self-esteem through steady career development.

People who lack love and are sensitive can improve their self-awareness, read more psychology books, and build confidence through self-reflection and introspection.