Last October, I experienced a collapse. The memory is terrifying, how to adjust?

Hello, I am a heart detective coach. I will be your companion with warmth and listen to your emotional stories with sincerity.

From what you've shared, it seems you've experienced a lot in just half a year: the end of a relationship, the pressure of exams and promotion, and then leaving your job. Now you're focusing on studying for the IELTS, thinking that you've overcome that challenging period. However, it's understandable if the pain from those experiences still lingers.

Let's take a look together to see if there might be any hidden treasures in these experiences.

1. Growth is a proposition that can naturally bring out a range of emotions.

The Chinese character for "person" may appear simple, with just one stroke and one dash, but it actually takes a lifetime to write. Along the way, we have the opportunity to experience many things, such as life and death, separation, joy and sorrow, anger and fear...

Emotions can serve a protective function to a certain extent. For instance, fear and dread can help us avoid danger, while anger can indicate to others where our boundaries lie.

It is important to remember that there is no such thing as a good or bad emotion. We often try to suppress negative emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, and resentment. However, this can actually make them grow stronger.

Emotions can be compared to a delivery man, delivering a gift to us in this way. If we do not answer the phone, he will continue to call until we receive the gift.

Fear can also be seen as a duality of opposing forces that influence our lives.

One is the power of building walls.

It is only natural that people will build walls to protect themselves when they feel unsafe. For instance, a mother who is concerned about her child's safety when swimming will take steps to ensure her child is kept safe by preventing them from going into the water.

One is the strength to tear down walls.

While walls can provide us with a sense of security, they can also create a barrier between us and the world around us. When our connection with the world is disrupted, it can lead to feelings of loneliness.

When a person feels secure enough, he may choose to actively consider dismantling some of the barriers that have been built up around him. By doing so, he may find that he gains more space in which to live, a larger world in which to interact with others, and the opportunity to connect with more people. His interpersonal relationships and scope of activities may simultaneously expand as a result.

It could be said that these two forces are contradictory and in conflict with each other. It may be the case that the size of one's life space is the result of the interplay of these two forces.

A person with the strength to tear down walls will have a larger world; a person with the strength to build walls will have a smaller world.

A person's world is shaped by their sense of security.

In the absence of security, how might one overcome fear?

It might be said that behind every trauma there is a treasure. Perhaps, then, it would be helpful to remove a wall in order to discover it.

It is often said that everyone comes into our lives to help us learn important lessons. It may be helpful to look for the lessons in your relationships with your ex-boyfriend, ex-boss, etc. and complete them conscientiously.

2. Consider taking the first step courageously. If you don't take it, how might you reach your destination?

If you want to move forward, you have to let go. We will talk about how to do that later.

3. Consider transforming fear into anger:

It might be helpful to view fear and anger as two emotions that can complement each other. When things don't go as expected, needs are not met, or you feel that your boundaries are being violated, it's possible that the emotion that rises up inside you is anger. It could be that this is the energy that guards our boundaries.

When we feel we are being hurt, anger can protect us and guard our family, territory, and possessions. It is an energy that guards our safety.

It is possible that anger may manifest as aggressive behavior, which could potentially lead to missteps. It is important to recognize that anger is neither right nor wrong; it is simply a force that protects us.

4. Consider saying, "I'm scared."

By expressing your fears, you may find that they are reduced by 50%. You may also find that removing unnecessary walls and doing what you are afraid of can help.

Perhaps it would be beneficial to consider ways of breaking through.

2. Consider seizing the opportunity for a breakthrough during a gap in your life.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the meanings of two English words: "breakdown" (break + fall) and "breakthrough" (break + through + continue to move forward).

The outcome of a situation, whether it leads to a collapse or a breakthrough, depends on how one responds after the initial breakdown.

It is important to remember that, whether it is a collapse or a breakthrough, the first step is to break away from what is holding you back. Once you have done that, you will find that you have two choices: to fall or to pass.

It's understandable that breaking away from the status quo can feel intimidating at first. It's similar to driving a car. In a manual transmission car, before you shift from one gear to another, you will first enter a neutral period. This gives you a chance to make a new choice: high, low, or stop.

It might be helpful to remember that a gap period, such as a job loss or a breakup, is not necessarily a wasted time. It could be seen as an opportunity to make a fresh start. This could be a good starting point for a future breakthrough.

How might we make a breakthrough in the gaps in our lives, rather than collapse?

1. It might be helpful to reflect on your past experiences, including how you have handled past challenges, such as breakups.

If we take a moment to reflect on our lives, whether actively or passively, we may realize that at some point our paths have taken unexpected turns. If we allow these changes to happen without making adjustments, we may find ourselves facing challenges and setbacks.

If you were to break away from the inertia of the past and choose to rise up and break through, continuing to move forward, it is likely that your life would lead to a greater breakthrough.

If something is repeated frequently, it may become a pattern. Your past choices may have revealed your pattern, and your pattern may have influenced your destiny.

It may be helpful to consider your past experiences in order to make new choices. Reflecting on the past can provide valuable insights.

It might be helpful to consider whether your past choices have been affected by the disruption of certain routines in your daily life.

2. You have the option of taking the initiative and starting with small things. Rather than waiting for a major disaster brought on by fate, you can make some new choices.

You might consider making some changes to your current lifestyle habits, such as

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider getting up at a different time.

2) Consider altering the taste of your food.

3) Consider a change in style when it comes to your clothing.

4) Consider a change of living environment.

5) Consider making some deliberate changes to your social circle.

6) Consider a different approach to how you do things.

7) Consider making some changes to your habits.

It might be helpful to consider taking the initiative to change, break away from your old lifestyle, and allow yourself to wait and see for a while. This could give you more energy to "watch" your patterns and more room to make choices.

If you can seize this opportunity, you may find that you are able to make better choices. Otherwise, you may find yourself going with the flow and facing difficulties.

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you, and I wish you well for the world.

If you would like to continue the conversation, please click on "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom of the page. I would be delighted to communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

Hello, dear questioner. It's like seeing a dear friend face-to-face! I think you'll also feel that you have actually survived these days, which seems incredible, and that those memories have been fixed forever.

I was really touched by what you said. You're going through so much, but you're still so strong. When I was feeling the pressure of exams and promotion, my boyfriend wasn't there for me. We were apart for seven months. If we'd been able to meet after getting through these challenges, you could have been together to imagine a future with endless possibilities.

But, poor thing, due to the severe pandemic, the business of my boyfriend's family needs to be taken care of, etc., you were unable to touch each other during the many times you wanted to embrace. And then you had to live apart in two different countries, with time differences and different social circles. You felt helpless about many things, poor thing.

It seems like it's become very difficult to be together. I know you must have a lot of things you want to say to each other, but in that helpless situation, you could only resort to silence and block each other's accounts. He was very good, and maybe he was once the brightest light in your heart. You really liked him, but there was no way to keep him. Maybe you didn't say goodbye properly, and you just said goodbye like that.

After being heartbroken, I was hit hard and then I had deep self-doubt. I really hope the original poster has now reconciled with herself. We may be ordinary, but if we accept ourselves and have dreams, we can still have a happy life.

I can see that you're really focusing on preparing for the IELTS, and it's so inspiring! You've been through a lot, and it's amazing how you've bounced back. I can imagine that a recent chat with a colleague made you recall some memories that made you feel bad.

Sometimes we choose to forget things that make us suffer, but before we know it, the scars are opened up again and exposed in the sunlight. There's no way to escape them. In fact, if we look at them more closely, we'll see that the pain, frustration, and sadness were caused by our own silly actions. We were young and took everything too seriously, except for taking care of ourselves. Looking back, we've grown up so much!

Let's have a little laugh at the past, shall we?

You've got this! Be brave and persevere, and I'm sure you'll eventually encounter flowers along the way, leading to happiness.

I hope this little reflection helps you in some way.

I love you, world! And I love you too, my dear friend!

Hello! I'll give you a warm hug from afar first, just to show you I'm here for you!

I'm thrilled to have read your request for help! I truly hope that my sharing will give you some support and help.

You gave it your all in that relationship that started without a beginning and tried your best to make it work. I admire your dedication, especially given your busy work schedule. You made the choice to better yourself and improve yourself with more motivation, not to please yourself, but to avoid being rejected by your boyfriend because of your inner inferiority, lack of confidence, and lack of acceptance of yourself. This resulted in a mismatch in abilities and being disliked. Although the breakup with your boyfriend was caused by many objective factors beyond your control, you attributed it more to the fact that you weren't good enough and you weren't outstanding. So you were unwilling, aggrieved, self-blaming, self-doubting, and even took the initiative to give up your work and stay away from situations related to him to alleviate your emotional pain, thinking that this would make you forget the painful past as much as possible and better adapt to the new life and learning at hand.

However, when chatting with former colleagues, you have the chance to heal old wounds and move on from the pain of being abandoned. You can learn from the past and become stronger than ever! It's totally normal to feel the grief, powerlessness, and self-blame again, but you can also embrace the feelings of terror as a sign that you're moving forward. You've made it through the toughest part, and you're ready to start anew!

Allowing and accepting yourself is the key to moving on from painful emotional experiences. Then, try saying goodbye to the relationship in your heart through self-dialogue or the empty chair technique. Be direct and accept the fact that it is over. At the same time, tell yourself that the end of the relationship does not mean that you are bad. You are strong and you are loved! Love is two people who are somewhat powerless over each other, who are willing to accept each other after seeing each other's powerlessness, and support each other.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

I'm Lily, the little ear of the Q&A Museum! The world and I love you!

Hello, young lady. I see you're confused. I want to give you a hug!

You're having relationship problems. Here's a hug.

You had a breakdown last October.

Maybe you were busy with exams, the IELTS, and other things, so you didn't deal with your heartbreak.

The breakup hit you hard.

Heartbreak is traumatic.

If it's traumatic, you have to face it.

If you don't deal with it, the negative emotions caused by a breakup will stick around.

You've pushed it into your subconscious.

Your colleague's question reactivated those bad memories.

What should you do now?

Get help from a counselor.

Dealing with it lets you move on and start a new journey.

I hope you find a solution soon.

That's all I can think of.

I hope my answers help and inspire you. I am the answer, and I study hard every day.

Yixinli loves you! Best wishes!