Living in a single-parent reconstituted family, the mode of getting along in the original family suffocates me?

Hello, question asker!

From your description, I can already feel the immense pressure you are under, and I admire you for facing it head-on!

I may not come from a single-parent family, but I have some experience of being "kidnapped" by family affection, and it's been a great one!

I don't know if the original poster is still in college, but this stage is actually quite special!

On the one hand, for family members, children have grown up and are about to face the world on their own, and they worry a lot. This is a stage where separation anxiety is common, but it's also a time of great anticipation and excitement! On the other hand, for you, although you are an adult, you are not truly independent yet, you lack social experience, and this is a stage of trial and error, but at the same time you long for independence—and you'll get there!

This journey is like learning to ride a bike when you were a child for you and your family. They are there to cheer you on, hoping that you will learn but also a little afraid that you will fall. We, on the other hand, are eager to learn to ride a bike but also a little afraid of falling—but we're excited to try!

How do you deal with it?

▫️ In fact, family members are always looking out for you! When they see that you haven't yet proven that you have such-and-such abilities, they'll make choices for you.

So, for the choices you want to make, you have to figure out for yourself whether you have the ability to take responsibility for your choices. And you know what? You can do it! How do you feel about the failures and setbacks along the way to growth?

I'd love to share my own experience here. I have noticed that my family is a little worried that I might make the wrong choice, but what they're even more concerned about is how I will handle setbacks.

If they see that I'm not happy, they'll bring up all the bad experiences they've had in the past because of bad choices. But I'm ready to turn this around! I'll tell them about all the valuable experiences I've had.

▫️But if I am optimistic about the future, believing that temporary failures and setbacks are stepping stones to success, it won't be able to bring me down. Then I will also convey this mentality to them and tell them my next plan, and I know it will all work out!

At that point, they'll see that I can solve problems, so I won't worry too much. We can prove with facts that we can take responsibility for ourselves!

It's time to start expressing your inner thoughts!

If you feel like you don't know how to respond to your mother's words, try writing down your true thoughts! For example, if your mother says that you are ungrateful and heartless for not going home with your aunt,

So, do you feel like a white-eyed wolf yourself? Let's find out what the real reason is you don't want to go home with your aunt!

If you can't respond to your mother right away, no problem! Just find your own space to practice how to express your true thoughts without hurting your family. When you're ready, try to communicate with your mother again.

▫️ Being independent is a great thing! It doesn't mean you have to sever ties with family members. In fact, it's better to love the people around you. But to love others, you must first love yourself. So, it's a great idea to pay more attention to your inner voice, learn knowledge, and enhance our awareness!

When you learn to love yourself, you'll be amazed at how your happiness and positive attitude will affect the people around you!

I'm a big brain hole, and I love the world! Thanks for reading!

Hello, My name is Liu Yong.

I'm happy for you! You're going to university in another province, which means you can now avoid your grandmother, mother, and aunt for part of the year and relax a little. This buys you time and space to solve your problems. Let's talk about related issues!

1. There are some pretty big issues in your family relationships. It seems like the elders in your family have placed all the love that should be placed on themselves onto you alone, which has led to you rebelling against them while at the same time trying to please them because you love them too. Both your grandmother and your mother threaten you in ways that hurt you or use moral blackmail to control you and thus feel safe themselves.

2. Everyone needs to be independent. It's a normal psychological need. If you don't become independent when you should, you'll suffer. So, you want to leave, which is the right thing to do. You have to believe in yourself. Many family relationships in China are unhealthy. Parents lose themselves and put all their love and pressure on their children, who in turn love their parents. It's like being tied up, and it's very torturous.

3. You're still in college, which is great because it means you have time to work on this. Use these years to gradually get your parents used to you living independently. That way, when you start a family of your own, it won't be as difficult.

Yes, you read that right. It is truly devastating. If this situation does not change, then from the time you find a partner, get married, live together, have children, and later on, when you and your spouse argue, they will be involved in every aspect of your life. They will try hard to do what is best for you and make your life happy, but in reality, they want to control everything about you. In the end, they will destroy everything about you.

4. First of all, you have to believe that leaving them is the right choice. Leave, but don't abandon them. Instead, pull away to an appropriate distance. You're a young person receiving higher education, so even if your family can't understand, you have to know that this is the right thing to do.

Second, the method. You have lots of options at school to not go home, such as working hard during the holidays, internships, postgraduate studies, etc. I believe your family also wants the best for you, so when you have these legitimate reasons for not going home, they may be unhappy, but they should still support you, right?

Third, when you decide not to go home, you really have to use this time to work hard for your future, instead of fooling and avoiding your family. Since your grandmother and mother are both women and lack a sense of power, they will desperately hold on to you. Therefore, you must learn to make yourself strong, so that you can convince your family of your future choices, get away from their control, and live a normal, independent life.

Fourth, you need to be careful to protect the feelings of your family. You love them and they love you, but they don't know how to love you well, so you can deceive them kindly and often coax them, telling them that you love them very much and are grateful for what they have done for you. But you need to slowly convey to them that you are leaving them, so that they can get used to it slowly. This process may take a long time, but you need to carry it out without hesitation.

Fifth, leave yourself a way out. Learn some psychology to better understand and persuade your family. Make friends who are positive and have positive energy. After all, you will encounter difficulties in life, and it is best to be able to solve them yourself. If you have difficulty solving them yourself, ask friends and social institutions for help. These are all good ways to go.

I hope that through learning, you can build your inner strength, become more powerful, and move forward towards a bright future!

I'm Liu Yong, and I love the world.

Hello!

From what you've said, I can tell you're feeling pretty down. My child, after all these years of living in this "stressful environment," you've had to put up with a lot. You haven't been able to do many things according to your own ideas, and even over time you'll gradually lose your own thoughts. But none of this should be a reason for you to despair.

Your family of origin has had a big impact on you, and these are things that can't be changed. So, do you have your own plans for the future? That's the most important thing!

People from different generations tend to think differently. If I'm not mistaken, you followed your mother and formed a new family. It's possible that the reason for the parents' separation before may be related to your mother's original family. This is just my guess, so please forgive me if it's wrong.

The atmosphere of your mother's family of origin also affects you, and there's nothing you can do to change it or escape it. They may seem to be putting a lot of pressure on you and restricting you, but you should also realize that they love you, even if their way of showing it is not one that you accept.

The past is in the past. The good news is that you can now think for yourself and decide where you want to go. Think about the following aspects:

1. What's your plan for the future? You've realized that the way your elders treat you isn't acceptable, so you need to get out of that mindset and choose your own path.

2. Take another look at the love your family elders have for you. They must love you. Get to know what they need in their relationships and give feedback in your own way. I think that at some point, you can directly express your feelings, which will help to rebuild the relationship.

3. Face your past experiences head-on. If you don't want your next generation to grow up in the same environment as you, you have to keep getting stronger. Only change can bring new happiness.

I hope you can get out of your current funk soon. You're still young, and the future is full of possibilities!

Let's do this!

Dear author,

I am a ray of sunshine, and I am so grateful for our encounter! I have carefully read your story and am deeply moved by your difficulties.

I'm so grateful to the original poster for her self-awareness! She's brought up a great topic: "Living in a single-parent, stepfamily, and the way I was brought up in my original family suffocates me?"

This is definitely the perspective the topic author brings to the question of how to change one's fate and reduce the harm caused by one's "original family."

I'd also love to share my thoughts and ideas for the questioner's reference!

Let's dive right in and get started!

Now, let's dive deep and analyze the root of the story the OP has shared!

I live in a single-parent, stepfamily. My whole life has been controlled by my grandmother, mother, and aunt, and it feels like there are three mountains weighing on my head—but it's also a great adventure!

I often feel that they are really unreasonable. I don't have any space of my own, I really can't breathe, but I can't change it. That kind of family atmosphere really affects you.

It's so inspiring how much love and support you get from them! They really seem to care about you and want the best for you. Grandma is even helping you with your tuition fees and always checks in on you when you go home. It's amazing how much love and care they give you!

You can't say you don't want to go to tutoring classes because your mother will say that if you argue with her, you'll be responsible if your grandparents have a heart attack. You finally managed to go to college in another province, and you want to go home by yourself, but your mother says that if you don't go home with your aunt, you're ungrateful and heartless.

My family's daily communication is just arguing. I like to be quiet, so I'm not sure if that's the reason. Either way, I'm ready to make a change! I'm ready to leave the family atmosphere in my home. I'm ready to cut ties with them and start fresh. I'm ready to find a new family bond that doesn't make me feel suffocated. I'm ready to change!

I'm so excited to see what happens next!

From the above description, we can summarize in the following aspects:

[1] The questioner made a brilliant comparison between her grandmother, mother, and eldest aunt and called them "three mountains" weighing on her head.

[2] The family members have taken the questioner's "personal freedom," especially "freedom of the mind," in the "name of love / with the pretext that it is all for your own good." Otherwise, if they disobey, they will feel deeply guilty/blame themselves?

[3] The questioner is eager to embrace their own true thoughts, and is excited to obey the "orders" of their family elders unconditionally. Otherwise, they are ready to face the challenge of being accused of being ungrateful.

[4] The daily communication between family members is full of lively debate and discussion, which is great for keeping things interesting! However, there is room for improvement in terms of fostering a more loving and supportive environment at home.

Question 5: The subject wants to leave, but is held back by family ties. Not leaving feels suffocating. Such a "tangled/conflicted/conflicting" inner experience? - Despair? But there's hope! There are ways to break free from the ties that bind.

Given the actual situation described by the questioner and the subject of the request for help, I have a suggestion for how you can deal with it in a way that will really make a difference!

First, accept everything about your family of origin and understand the circumstances that make the questioner feel "desperate."

[1] The truth is, many people, just like you, have a love-hate relationship with their families. They want to leave but can't, and are torn between conflicting emotions. The good news is, you've grown up and have a clear awareness of yourself, so you can seek help. So, even though we might feel powerless for now, our family of origin won't determine our entire lives!

[2] Take a look at your parents' "faults" and the "hurt" caused by your original family. For example, as the original poster describes, growing up in a single-parent family was a choice made by your parents, not something you could decide, and it is definitely not your fault.

It's true that childhood shapes the early stages of our lives, but the amazing thing is that we can always grow and learn new things throughout our lives. So, when we take a step back and look at the impact of our original family, we're actually opening ourselves up to a world of new possibilities and chances to grow.

[3] It's so important to understand their life choices and accept the fact that they come from single-parent families. Their grandmothers, mothers, and aunts may also be "victims" of their own families. But here's the good news: they were never taught how to be good parents/elders, and they only know how to treat us in their own way. That means we have the incredible opportunity to become "replicas" of them!

Second, embrace the fact that our elders are bound to be imperfect beings. We have the incredible opportunity to grow up "living up to" our grandmothers/mothers/aunts' expectations.

[1] Viewing your family of origin objectively is a great way to put away those idealized expectations of your parents! As you grow up, you'll find that the image of the "ideal parent" in your heart will slowly be corrected.

When we realize that "parents are no longer perfect," it is an incredible opportunity to embark on a new journey of self-discovery and break free from the confines of an "ideal parent."

[2] The reason the original poster feels so desperate is that perhaps we still cannot let go of their "faults" because behind it all, there is a deep-seated, overly idealized expectation of them: for example, "I feel that they understand my true thoughts/should understand that I want to have independence and sovereignty, but the reality is that I have to be told to grow up according to their wishes?

[3] So, understanding their imperfection is a great first step in objectively dealing with the "injury." Because one day, we'll also have to accept that we are imperfect parents, and we'll also face the fact that our children are disappointed or desperate. But we can do this!

[4] "Hurt" from childhood is unavoidable. From an early age, our survival instinct kicks in, and before our abilities develop, we become very dependent on important caregivers. This is a common human characteristic, and understanding it helps us look at what they do with a calmer mind.

[5] Even though we might face some challenges from our original families, the good news is that these challenges are limited and can be overcome. This means that the influence of our original families is limited. Just as the original poster made the choice to go to university in a different province, this has laid a solid foundation for him to take control of his own life.

There are so many factors that affect a person's growth! In addition to the original family, we get to interact with other circles such as school, friends, and colleagues during our growth process. We also get to learn through various channels. Most importantly, we have a lot of psychological resilience within us, which is our own strength that allows us to better repair and grow ourselves!

Third, it's time to start separating issues and establishing those all-important interpersonal boundaries. You're on your way to becoming the real you and living your best life!

[1] From a psychological perspective, seeing is healing. As long as we realize that "change is possible," we can get out of harm's way! The original poster is already on the path to change. They were able to actively come to a psychological platform to talk about the topic they wanted to understand.

[2] Get to know the elders in your family again! Your grandmother, mother, and aunts. You'll be amazed at how much you can learn about them by understanding their difficulties and limited thinking. You'll be able to reconcile with them in no time! The greatest significance of getting to know them again is that you'll be able to look at their "faults" more rationally, which makes it easier to move on from the "hurt." You'll be so glad you did! You might as well find some opportunities to talk to them directly about their childhood and past, etc.

[3] Adjust cognitive bias and actively discover the good things about them!

For example, Grandma can use her pension to pay for her grandchildren's tuition, and Mom/Auntie can tell you about something they did for you that really touched you. In daily life, you can also observe when there are no arguments and see if you feel any difference. You can actively collect these good evidences and record them, find the right opportunity to communicate and express them honestly, so as to discover the positive power.

[4] Learn to "separate issues" and watch the magic happen!

To handle interpersonal relationships well, including relationships with grandmothers, mothers, aunts, and classmates, we have the amazing opportunity to learn to "separate issues." This means distinguishing between our own issues and other people's issues. We can take responsibility for our own life issues and avoid imposing other people's issues on ourselves.

In other words, the person who bears the direct consequences of an event is the one who gets to deal with it! If the person in question doesn't understand this, they can also find professional psychological help to sort through the issues in depth and grow psychologically as soon as possible.

[5] You can absolutely heal yourself during your growth process from the "injuries" caused by the "original family." Or, if you'd like, you can also seek help from a professional counselor for grief healing. For example,

You can absolutely heal through writing! If you love peace and quiet and don't like to tell others, then you can also express your grief by writing your feelings. When we write our true feelings, we will feel a sense of relief and our hearts will feel much lighter!

2. Reading. Some people cannot read while grieving, but others can bury themselves in a book!

There are so many ways to relax and unwind! Some people love to dive into books about grief recovery, while others enjoy curling up with a good novel, magazine, or online post. Whatever you choose, anything that can help you feel calm and at ease is a great idea. We've got some fantastic reading suggestions for you: "Why Does Family Hurt?", "Embrace Imperfection and Recognize Yourself: A Healing Journey of Stories", "Meeting the Unknown Self", and "Love Yourself Back".

It's time to share your grief! Sharing your feelings with others is one of the best ways to heal. You can find a trusted friend or family member to vent to, and you'll feel better in no time!

Exercise is a fantastic way to relieve grief, especially for those who are grieving and experiencing insomnia. You can choose your favorite exercise: walking, running, brisk walking, playing sports, swimming, dancing, etc.!

And there's more! Art therapy is another great way to relieve stress. Photography, painting, and handicrafts are just a few of the many ways you can use your creativity to relax.

sixth, meditation: Learn to meditate! It's a great way to release all those sad emotions that have been building up in your heart. Just imagine them being exhaled little by little.

⑦ Music: Treat yourself to your favorite tunes! If some familiar melodies make you feel down, switch to something new and exciting.

⑫ Get involved in public welfare activities! It's one of the most effective ways to heal grief. You'll see your own value and boost your self-confidence in public welfare activities.

There is no one-size-fits-all way to heal grief. The good news is that you get to choose the method that suits you best! You have the power to heal yourself.

[6] The great news is that you can change yourself! You can break away from the patterns of your family of origin and completely change the way you think about them. When you fly far away, you will have the ability to control yourself. At that time, you will be the master of your own life!

The above is a response that combines the questioner's question. It's a personal opinion, and I'm excited to see what others think! I hope it will stimulate further discussion and lead to more thinking. I also hope to inspire and help the questioner, and welcome more in-depth exchanges. I pray that the questioner will soon get out of "despair" and embrace a new life of freedom!

I am sunshine, the world, and I love you! ??

Hello, question asker. I'm sending you a hug from someone else. I hope you feel peace and freedom when you read my message.

Your family is all women: your grandmother, your mother, your younger aunt. You feel loved by them, but they also pressure you. You're troubled and want to escape.

I felt the same way when I read your question. I also have a family I want to escape from but have no choice. I understand how you feel.

People want to escape from these families:

[1] It's oppressive and I can't breathe.

[2] Moral blackmail

[3] There's always something to do, and I can't say no.

I was once troubled by these points too.

My mother loves me, so I married and live close by. She calls me all the time, asking where I am or if I'm eating.

She tells me her joys and sorrows in the morning, and it ruins my mood for the day.

If I ignore her, she'll cry and say she raised me and sent me to school. But she's unreliable, doesn't care about me, and doesn't like me.

I used to think I had to leave and stay away.

I changed myself through hard work and learning. Here are a few things I've learned.

[1] Speak up and take the initiative in your relationship with them.

[2] Learn more about mental health and break free from your original family.

[3] Put yourself in their shoes.

You can appreciate your family's love for you, even if it's in a way you don't accept.

Do your family members need your love? Put yourself in their shoes and show them love.

Whether they nag you or give you ridiculous reasons.

Whether they nag you or give you absurd reasons.

They're alive and by your side.

Cheer up, love yourself, and love them!

The world and I love you. I hope I can help!