Loving for 4 years and married for 1, he always finds fault with me over trivial matters, why?

Hello, dear. I feel for you. You have suffered so much in your marriage, been wronged so much, and no one can understand your sadness and unhappiness. I suspect that you don't want much, just a little more understanding and encouragement from the person you love. Even a hug can make you happy like a child! But it seems that this little bit of expectation is not easy to get from him, so let's analyze it together and find that strength that you can rely on and that gives you love. ??

☀️ Why do you always argue over such trivial matters?

(1) It seems like you've fallen into a bit of a pattern, which is totally normal! It might be that you always argue over the same types of things, and it ends with you explaining and apologizing, but it doesn't seem to be helping. Your husband might even slam the door and storm out.

(2) Why is this so? I'll try to look at this from your perspective and see if I can help. Maybe when something happens, he's used to finding out whose fault it is. If he thinks it's your problem, he'll probably communicate in an accusatory way. You might be used to looking for the cause in yourself when problems arise. Is there something you could have done differently? Did you not consider all the factors?

So when a minor problem arises, it's possible that the two of you aren't communicating on the same channel. One of you might be blaming the other, or the other might be apologizing, but neither of you is really getting across what the problem itself is.

(3) So neither of you feels understood. You each say what you want, and your husband responds in an indifferent, evasive way. Perhaps he doesn't know how to get you out of your sensitive, vulnerable state, and you respond with compromise and forbearance, longing for your husband to understand your sacrifice and self-denial. But maybe in his mind things are far less serious than you think.

(4) So, we see that there is such a pattern. If neither person makes a change, it will just go on and on in a similar problem like this, until someone breaks this deadlock. I think this kind of problem has really taken a toll on you, but I'm so happy to see that you're already looking for ways to change things and come to the platform for advice. It's a great start! When we change, the other person will also change.

☀️ How can we break this deadlock?

(1) Seeing the child inside you who is afraid of conflict:

I can see that you're feeling a bit afraid of conflict. It's totally normal to feel that way sometimes! We all have our own insecurities and fears, and it's natural to feel that conflict is something we can't face. We might even think that it'll hurt us if we get into a disagreement. So, we try to avoid conflict by compromising, backing down, or apologizing. It's a way of avoiding confrontation and trying to keep the peace.

But deep down, we might not think that this is the way it should be. I can see how you feel. It's unfair that he has also hurt your feelings. It's true that no matter who is right and who is wrong, the way your husband refuses to communicate is not conducive to solving the problem. So, your compromise and concession have not been seen or understood, and it's natural to feel aggrieved, angry, devastated, and desperate.

Maybe when we were young, our parents were a little too strict or didn't always understand how we felt. It's totally normal to feel vulnerable and afraid when you're a kid! If our parents couldn't give us enough love and support, it's understandable that we'd develop a child within to protect ourselves. How do we protect ourselves? We avoid conflict and try to make everyone around us happy to protect our vulnerable selves.

Now that we've grown up, we can tell that little kid inside that we're capable of facing conflict and won't let ourselves be hurt. So, when problems arise, instead of compromising or trying to please others, we can bravely express our true thoughts.

(2) Seeing the child inside who cares about evaluation:

It can be really frustrating living with someone who's always criticizing you. It's as if they think they're the best and everyone else is not as good as they are. I think deep down, maybe he's also feeling unsatisfied with himself, but since he can't accuse or criticize himself, he projects this critical energy outward, and you end up caught in the middle of it all.

Maybe it's because we care more about other people's opinions and judgments. So when he judges you in a critical way, saying that this is not good and that is not right, you'll care a lot about such comments. You might even start to think that you really are as bad as he says. But you know what? You're not! And you shouldn't agree with him in your heart.

But in reality, if you like fast food and burgers, and if you like watching Marvel comics and anime, then these are your interests and these are the real you. They are your favorites. It's just that the two of you may have completely different habits. It can be said that different people have different preferences, so it's not that he's being picky or that it's our fault and we need to change.

If we care too much about other people's opinions, we might end up becoming someone we're not. It's so important to see the real you, express yourself boldly, and be yourself!

(3) Looking within will give us more strength!

If we rely on people outside to give us strength, such as affirmation, encouragement, and praise, then it's easy to see how the other person's response can affect our emotions. If they praise us, we'll be happy and delighted; if they pick on us, we'll be sad and depressed.

When we give up this right to decide, we also give up our emotions, and they will change with the other person's response.

So, if you want to feel less pain, you need to learn to find the strength in your heart. You don't need to rely on the outside world. You can find strength in your inner self. When you do this, you will feel more confident and powerful.

How can you do this? There is a great exercise called the "mirror exercise." For 21 days, say positive and affirming things to yourself in the mirror, such as "I am full of creativity, I am good enough, I am lovable, etc." This exercise is very simple, but at first it can be a bit difficult to speak these words to yourself. But don't worry, it's just a little practice, a little progress, and slowly you will become a person who radiates confidence and charm, and the people around you will also change together.

Come on, dear, we're all here with you, and we love you! ??

Dear Questioner, Thank you for your inquiry.

Firstly, I would like to extend my support and encouragement to you. I perceive you as a young woman facing challenges in establishing a sense of belonging in a relationship. It is evident that you require understanding, active listening, acceptance, and motivation, yet the circumstances appear to prevent your romantic partner from providing these essential elements.

It is often observed that the natural order of things makes things difficult to obtain. Furthermore, the more one searches for something, the less likely it is to be found. In a relationship, the object of one's pursuit is precisely what the other person is unable to provide.

However, you develop feelings for each other.

Due to the high volume of comments, I will limit my response to three key points.

The importance of self-satisfaction cannot be overstated.

It is not uncommon for individuals in a relationship or marriage to desire the understanding and care of their partner. However, it is important to recognize that this is not something that can be demanded and guaranteed.

It is not possible for anyone to satisfy you 100% and no one is obliged to do so. If you do not take the time to identify your own needs and ensure your own satisfaction, you may find that others are unable to understand you or care about you as much as you would like. Even parents may sometimes be unable to meet these needs.

This is not always indicative of a lack of love.

2. Begin immediately, learn, and grow.

It is important to learn to identify your own needs, provide yourself with comfort, encourage yourself, recognize your own positive qualities, and gradually become the person you want to be.

I note that you have previously submitted a query via this platform, which indicates your approval of this service. You may select courses from this platform, and book clubs are also a viable option.

3. You are not alone.

Many women in marriages experience similar feelings of helplessness and sadness. However, there are numerous examples of individuals who have overcome these challenges through learning and personal growth, and there is no reason why you cannot do the same.

I wish you the best of luck!

Hello. I hope my answer helps.

It's normal for couples to argue, especially when they're adjusting. We need to understand the four stages of a relationship, distinguish between positions and needs in conflicts, and deal with emotional entanglements. Then, we won't be ruled by arguments and will have a harmonious intimate relationship.

There are four stages to a relationship.

Intimacy develops in four stages, each with its own characteristics and risks.

1. The passionate period.

The passionate period is the first stage of intimacy. It is when people are most likely to get married for convenience. During this period, we see only the good in the other person. We also pretend to be the ideal lover. We like each other, but this feeling is only temporary. It lasts for three to six months, or a year at most. Therefore, the beautiful feelings of this stage are only temporary. They are not enough to support a lasting marriage. After that, the intimate relationship will enter the period of adjustment.

2. Adjustment period.

During the conflict stage of intimacy, all emotional problems come up. Passion fades, and problems in each other's bodies are exposed. Our love image meets reality, and the other person changes from liking us more to disliking us more. Intimacy is challenged.

You also have more time to yourselves and don't rely on each other as much.

You've shown your flaws. If you think these issues can't be fixed and you want to change the other person, and they want you to change too, you'll probably fight. This could even lead to a breakup.

The adjustment period is the hardest in a relationship.

3. The introspection period.

After the trial period, couples start to reflect on themselves. They think about their own problems and how they can change. This is an important time for growth and rebuilding relationships.

4. Enlightenment period.

This stage is also called the enlightenment stage. In this stage, we learn to embrace each other with love and accept our own childhood shadows. As a result, the intimate relationship enters a higher and deeper stage.

Not many relationships have reached this stage, but it's where we need to be going.

Knowing the stages of intimacy helps you understand that problems are normal in a relationship. The key is to learn how to resolve them and get to know each other better.

When we go from being smitten to arguing, we notice differences that seemed unimportant in love. These include things like toothpaste, toilets, cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes, and cooking. Having many arguments is harmful to relationships. It can even cause couples to break up.

How do we resolve these conflicts?

We'll share a tool to help you focus on interests and needs, not on who is right or wrong.

The positions of both sides seem irreconcilable, but beneath the surface, interests and needs are intertwined.

Even if you think the other person's views are impossible to reconcile, understanding their real needs might help you find a solution.

The woman is angry when the man checks his phone as soon as he gets home. She wants him to spend more time with her and pay more attention to her.

If the man only sees the woman's point of view and says he's working on his phone, they'll argue about who's right.

If the man could see the woman's needs and say, "I have urgent work to do, but it will only take half an hour. After I'm done, I'll chat with you," I think the conflict would be resolved.

If a woman can express her needs directly and gently, she can say, "You've been looking at your phone since you got home. I need you to talk to me."

If we see each other's needs and meet them, we can avoid conflict.

We also need to learn to deal with the narrowing effect when we are emotionally aroused.

When we are angry or afraid, our focus narrows. We see and hear less. We focus on one thing and ignore everything else. We do things we shouldn't.

When we are narrow-minded, our bodies release chemicals that make us give in to our desires. This makes it hard for us to resist our impulses. The more we try to resist using reason, the more likely we are to fail.

When we're angry, reasoning usually has little effect. Unresolved emotions can make people seem even more annoying when they try to reason with them.

What should you do?

We need to do two things for ourselves:

1. Stay aware. The best way to regulate your emotions is to know what state they're in. This helps you avoid impulsive behavior you'll regret. How do you stay aware?

Breathe. When you get upset, your breathing gets faster. Take a few minutes to calm your breathing and notice where your body is tense. This is the best way to relax.

2. If you're feeling emotional and need a few minutes to calm down, tell the other person, "I'm feeling a bit emotional right now. Can I have a few minutes to adjust?"

Or you can say you need to go to the bathroom or find a calm place. This lets the other person know and helps you too.

If someone else is in a narrow state, you can:

Listen and understand the other person.

If you can see the other person's emotions and respond to them before or during a conflict, you can resolve most of the problem. Learn to actively listen. How do we listen?

Listen to the other person's body language and expressions. Try to understand their emotions and why they feel this way. Then, use the method of distinguishing between positions and needs to deal with it.

2. Talk about feelings first, then reason.

Dealing with emotions first makes reasoning easier. People feel time slows down when they're emotional, so we shouldn't rush. We should listen and ask questions to help emotions calm down.

Once emotions calm down, problems are solved.

When we think outside the box, stop arguing about right and wrong, and see beyond appearances, we can understand the other person's real needs. If you are willing to satisfy the other person's needs and they are willing to see your needs and satisfy yours, then you will understand happiness and your relationship will improve.

I wish you happiness.

Hello, questioner!

From what you've said, it seems like you've been together for four years and married for one. During that time, you've had some disagreements over minor issues, but you still decided to get married and choose each other to be with in the future. That means you must have feelings for each other, otherwise you wouldn't have chosen to get married, right?

However, you didn't mention your feelings of love for each other. You chose to marry each other and chose each other as your lifelong partner because you admire each other's strengths. This may also be one of the reasons why you argue over trivial matters: you both ignore each other's strengths, but constantly magnify each other's shortcomings, which naturally causes pain.

So, before you talk about why he always picks on you, think about his good points first. You've got to feel like there's still affection between you and that he's worthy of your love if you're going to calmly discuss the problems between you.

Sometimes, picking on others isn't about proving they're bad. It's about showing that "I" am good! Put simply, the real purpose of picking on others is to gain recognition from others.

This dynamic between spouses can arise for one of two reasons. Either one partner never encourages the other and always rejects them (it seems from your description that your husband always treats you this way, so you might be making the same mistake), or in an environment where you are not affirmed, your subconscious desire to protect yourself is to fight back, so picking on each other becomes possible.

There's also the situation where your spouse hasn't gotten much recognition at work or in social situations, or has often been disappointed, and he really wants to be recognized by you. Then constantly picking on your faults is his way of seeking self-affirmation.

So, no matter what the situation is, you need to change your mindset. Instead of finding fault with each other to gain affirmation, you should see each other's strengths and give encouragement and support, and improve your current situation through positive communication. You can't make mutual recognition of faults the mode of your communication.

There's no right or wrong between a husband and wife. It's all about mutual acceptance and tolerance.

I hope you can start changing first.

Wishing you the best!

Hello!

Understand each other.

As time goes on, women get tired of love. Men become more and more unscrupulous in love. This makes love less and less.

How do you understand your boyfriend's bad behavior?

Dating and marriage help you understand a person's character, thinking habits, and living habits. But to truly understand a person, you need to know more than that. You need to know about their subconscious thoughts and internal conflicts.

Before marriage, people don't have deep relationships, so they don't have deep problems. But after marriage, they do have problems because they live together and interact.

The husband grew up in a family that lacked attention and love. He finds it hard to bear pain and even rejects it. This is likely why conflicts repeatedly arise.

How do you break the cycle of problems?

Learn to grow independently.

Some couples can work together to change their interaction patterns when intimacy problems arise. They can do this by reflecting on their own behavior and recognizing each other's needs.

Often, one person knows about the problem while the other doesn't. If it's not about serious violations like infidelity or violence, the first step to resolving it is for the aware person to change how they feel.

The questioner can be the first to realize an unhealthy way of communicating. The boyfriend is in an unconscious state when facing conflict. If the questioner cannot stand up for themselves, it will be difficult to escape the painful environment created by the other person. The questioner can adjust their way of dealing with conflict by reminding themselves of their self-awareness. The next time their husband slams the door, they can divert their attention to something that can ease their emotions. When their husband comes home, they can tell him in a calm and warm voice:

"I don't like that we always leave each other when we talk. You can tell me what you want to change or what's on your mind."

Change how you look for love. When you feel better about yourself, you'll be better at solving problems.

[Understand the other person]

Silence is the worst way to respond. It's lethal. My husband chose to respond in silence, which shows he's immature. You have to know that your loved one needs to be loved, not hurt. But he believes hurting the other person is a good way to correct their "bad habits."

Every family has minor problems that need to be solved by the most mature member. My husband is not mature. He likes to escalate problems. Why?

This may be because he was ignored or not given attention when he was young. He needs to prove he is right through events.

To solve problems, you have to understand the other person. Then you can respond in a way that helps, rather than just reacting.

Equal relationships are better.

A year of conflict has probably made the wife lose confidence in restoring the good old days. However, one must believe in oneself. When facing setbacks in marriage, the choice of whether to leave or give up appears in the brain. However, choosing either option must be based on maintaining self-esteem and equality in the relationship.

To improve a relationship, you have to learn from your experiences. If you think that just doing what he asks will make everything better, you're wrong. He'll just get more demanding.

The wife needs to make the husband realize that his actions will damage the relationship and make her feel unloved. They must work together to improve themselves.

To solve the problem, both parties must change their emotions.

Best wishes!

Hello, question asker!

It sounds like you have the opportunity to transform your life and create a new reality in your marriage!

Your husband cannot understand how you feel, and every conflict you have

It seems that you always compromise, which makes you feel that your husband is very critical. But you know what? That's okay! It just means you have a lot to learn about each other.

And you are indignant, but also feel anxious and at a loss because you are powerless to change the situation, right? But you can change that!

I'd love to know more about your respective character traits!

I'd love to know more about your attachment pattern!

And when did you feel that he started picking on you?

And you even talked about reverting to a childish mode when you argue!

I'd love to know more about this childish mode!

I'm so excited to share this analysis with you! It makes a few assumptions regarding the limited nature of the information involved.

I really hope this helps!

If you suffered from your parents' nitpicking and

and mean treatment, or parents using critical education.

This has made you feel very helpless and depressed.

So, these painful experiences are likely to cause trauma—and that's okay!

Now, when your husband treats you in a critical and accusatory manner,

This could be the start of something amazing! It's possible that your husband's actions have triggered repressed trauma, which has brought up painful memories from your childhood.

It's so great that you and your husband have known each other for at least four years now!

And his critical and mean-spirited character.

Maybe you knew this a long time ago!

Why is it unacceptable now when it used to be acceptable?

Of course, in every argument,

You both want to be consoled!

This is why the other person slamming the door makes you even more emotionally devastated.

Ready to break the deadlock?

First, you need to understand that you should avoid arguing and debating with your husband. This is a great opportunity for you to grow!

This is why debates are so important! They allow us to have a winner and a loser, which is great because it means we can celebrate the winner and learn from the loser.

Absolutely! It's not just one person who gets hurt, it's two!

This is why it's so important to avoid getting into a debate with your husband. If you do, the person who is hurt will definitely not be willing to accept defeat.

They will vent their wounded pride through other means of retaliation, which is a great way to let off steam!

which will lead to new conflicts.

From this perspective, therefore, the family is a place for love and affection—a wonderful, supportive environment where everyone can thrive!

This is where you can have your say and debate your arguments!

If a couple must argue, they can discuss an agreement!

So that we can all communicate better and understand each other better, let's avoid attacking and hurting each other through arguing!

First, let's make sure we're not hitting people in the face, and let's avoid exposing people's shortcomings.

And there you have it!

As an amazing opportunity for releasing all those negative emotions!

Otherwise, the emotional rift will become deeper and deeper, so let's avoid that!

Second, let go of the other person's past mistakes!

Don't hold on to old matters!

Otherwise, endless excuses will only hurt the other person more. So let's avoid that!

Third, it's important to make sure that the couple doesn't have any overnight grudges and that they make up after a fight.

If you always hold on to the past and can't let go,

This will most likely lead to an even more intense cold war.

Second, it's time to learn how to make yourself independent and show your husband the difference!

There are so many amazing places out there just waiting for you to explore!

And there's more! You can also find ways to make your life fulfilling and meaningful without your husband's company.

To make your life fulfilling and meaningful:

Read, do aerobics or yoga, or even try learning to cook!

And finally, you can learn to communicate empathically!

You have learned to express your feelings using objective descriptions, which is great!

"Honey, your fierce expression just now made me feel so excited to help you!"

"Honey, I can tell you're not feeling well, but I'm here to help!"

I'd love to know what unhappy thing happened to you. I'm so happy to help!

And don't forget to express your needs directly!

Make sure you don't express your needs in a complaining or accusing tone!

The above analysis and suggestions are for your reference only!

I'm counselor Yao, and I'm here to support you every step of the way!

Dear Topic Starter, I am Sister Hua from Soul Garden, and I hope my reply will be of some assistance to you.

From your description, it is evident that you are experiencing a range of intense emotions, including anger, injustice, powerlessness, and pain. I extend my support and understanding to you from a distance.

Indeed, the situation is rather challenging.

Indeed, numerous couples, including married couples, encounter comparable conflicts. It appears that individuals tend to believe that their partners cannot comprehend and care for them from their own perspective. This leads to feelings of being unloved and unappreciated, which in turn evoke feelings of resentment and sadness.

The question thus arises as to why these dramas persist in repeating themselves.

Let us examine the nature of your relationship.

Firstly, it was stated that the couple have been in a romantic relationship for four years and married for one year, resulting in a total duration of approximately five years. The pattern described in the message aligns with previous experiences of romantic attachment. Therefore, it is pertinent to inquire as to why the relationship was perceived as painful and why the couple chose to remain together for an extended period, ultimately opting for marriage instead of dissolution.

Indeed, upon reflection, it becomes evident that the relationship is characterized by genuine affection; otherwise, it would have likely reached its conclusion long ago. This mode of relating is an unconscious choice that has been shaped by the couple's respective upbringing and patterns of interaction. It is mutually beneficial, as both individuals utilize their familiar methods to demonstrate their love and care for one another. Conflict, too, serves as a means of maintaining attention and connection within the relationship.

It is important to note that neither party is incorrect in their perspective, as their personalities and patterns of interaction are shaped by their respective upbringings and original family dynamics. In the context of the relationship, one partner tends to exhibit behaviors associated with the child self state, while the other displays tendencies aligned with the blaming and controlling parent state.

It would be interesting to ascertain whether both of your parents are the more dominant ones, who tend to adopt a critical and accusatory stance.

You indicated that during your childhood, you were not adequately understood, resulting in blame and criticism. This lack of understanding has led to the development of an inner child who is vulnerable, aggrieved, repressed, and sensitive. This inner child requires attention, respect, care, and protection. Additionally, you have a strong sense of insecurity, and you have consistently sought out individuals who can provide these needs. As you matured, you placed your trust in your boyfriend.

In contrast, your boyfriend has been socialized to engage in behaviors such as criticism, accusation, and excessive scrutiny, as well as exerting control over the situation. His actions do not align with your expectations, leading to feelings of disappointment and sadness, as well as a sense of losing control.

It is evident that modifications are required in your boyfriend's conduct. However, as the original poster, it is imperative to identify potential avenues for improvement to enhance the stability of our relationship.

First and foremost, it is imperative to instill a sense of security within oneself. It is neither realistic nor advisable to expect others to provide this sense of security, as it can inadvertently exert undue pressure on the other person.

It is imperative that you undertake the process of healing the aspects of your psyche that were damaged during your childhood. Now that you have reached adulthood, you have the capacity to heal these wounds. You have the strength, opinions, freedom, and capacity to care for yourself and love yourself. This is your right. You must allow your heart to mature gradually.

Secondly, it would be beneficial to ascertain whether you have ever expressed your needs in a positive manner. Additionally, it would be advantageous to determine whether you have ever paid attention to your boyfriend's actual needs.

One must inquire as to the purpose or motive of each argument. Is it to solve a problem?

Alternatively, is it merely a means of discharging pent-up emotions? It appears that you have been addressing challenges by releasing these emotions, which could potentially harm the relationship and cause distress to your partner.

It is often recommended that we adopt a goal-oriented approach to all aspects of our lives. However, in this case, the underlying motivation for the conflict remains unclear, and the issue continues to resurface. It would be beneficial to identify a way to break this pattern.

For example, if one performs an action for the benefit of the other, it would be beneficial to inquire, in a gentle and affectionate manner, whether the action was satisfactory and if it represented an improvement over previous efforts.

It is also recommended that timely recognition and praise be given to the individual in question for his contributions to the family unit. For instance, one might say, "Honey, you did a great job on this. You are truly a wonderful husband." In the event that the individual in question becomes angry once more, it is advised that one say, "Oh, honey, you yelled at me so loudly. I am frightened and sad. Let us calm down and speak to each other in a civil manner, if you would be so kind."

"Et cetera.

It is my contention that you, being the intelligent individual that you are, will be able to identify and implement more effective strategies for fostering positive interactions with your partner. Additionally, you may benefit from counseling to address any unresolved issues from your childhood and to facilitate your personal growth.

Ultimately, it is my sincere hope that you will cultivate a relationship that is characterized by increasing peace and love.

Were you absolutely sure you were in love during those four years?

You've been married for a year, and you got married with problems. There's no way you're going to find understanding and tolerance in your marriage, let alone happiness and satisfaction.

You chose all of this yourself. There's an old Chinese saying: "You reap what you sow." It's not a nice thing to say, but it's true.

You've been in love for four years, arguing over trivial matters, and think he's not considerate enough, while he thinks you're not gentle enough. What's kept you together for four years? There's got to be a reason.

You didn't choose to separate during the period of free love, so you need to work even harder to make your marriage work.

Repentance alone is not enough.

If you want a happy marriage, you can't just repent. You have to take effective action.

The first step is to accept.

You have to accept yourself, accept your husband, and accept your marriage. If your husband is a little man, you have to be a big woman—a woman of strength.

A woman's strength comes from being weak. The weaker a woman is, the stronger she is. A woman who constantly competes with men is foolish.

The second step is to encourage and affirm him.

A man's life must be centered on his career. Some men may seem to have no ambition, but that's because they need a trigger to awaken their career ambitions. You are that trigger. Once he is triggered by you, his sense of responsibility and mission will immediately overflow, and the little man will grow up.

Step 3: Don't be a grumpy woman.

Don't complain all the time. Dress up and look your best for the man you love.

You've got this!

It might be the case that he had an unconventional childhood and upbringing. Simply stating this could potentially lead to future challenges.

You tend to evaluate your actions and words with a certain degree of scrutiny. Home is a place where there is no absolute right or wrong.

There are no absolute right or wrongs in life; there are only problems and emotions. When we insist on right and wrong, emotions arise, and these can then become problematic.

If I might humbly offer a suggestion, when you face a problem, it's important to recognize that your emotions may be a factor. It's possible that your emotions could become a new problem, or even the trigger that sets off a chain of emotions. In my experience, the most effective way to deal with a problem or emotion is to let go or accept it. I believe that it's essential to avoid cutting corners and replacing it with tolerance and patience. This can sometimes result in a tendency to avoid or ignore the emotions and problems at hand. It's also important to recognize that emotions and problems will arise in life at any time. When you repeat the above three sentences, if you still have emotions, it might be helpful to generate some more and bigger emotions and problems to help you gain a deeper understanding. When you let go and accept, everything returns to the beginning. If you keep holding on, the next question is the simplest one: pay the bill. You have to pay the bill yourself, but some people may find it challenging to afford it in their entire lives.

There is a great deal of discussion about cultivation, whether that be of the mind, the self, or the soul. For the sake of this discussion, we will put aside the question of whether it is cultivation of the mind, cultivation of the self, or cultivation of the soul. The truth is that one must discover one's own thoughts and then let go of them. Some people suffer because they cannot discover their own thoughts, some because they cannot let go of them, and some because they cannot discover or let go of their thoughts. But the greatest suffering is not being willing to discover one's thoughts, not being willing to admit them, and not being able to let go of them. One is constantly struggling with the demons of the heart. At this time, if one returns to cultivation, whether that be of the mind, the self, or the soul, it is because one is unwilling to cultivate the soul.

While it may not be possible to become a fairy, a Buddha, a Bodhisattva, or a sage, there is still the option of cultivating your true self. You can choose to cultivate and become a true person.

Dear Question Asker,

From your description, I can see your despair and helplessness, your anger and grievances. It seems as if your emotional state is influenced by external factors, and you should have the ability to regulate your emotions towards him, towards other people, and even towards yourself.

It is imperative to exercise caution and precision in one's actions. While it is crucial to be autonomous, it is equally important to align with the prevailing sentiments.

As you have previously stated, certain situations can evoke emotions from childhood, leading to a loss of emotional control. The recommended course of action is to allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions, followed by a gradual return to calm and reason. It is important to recognize that your parents may not fully comprehend your emotional state, and their attempts to calm you down may not be as effective as you would like. Additionally, they may not be in a position to share their personal experiences with you.

Similarly, the individual you have selected to form a romantic attachment with also employs the same problem-solving methodology as your parents.

They all have one thing in common: the inability to have one's own thoughts while experiencing chaotic emotions. These emotions can be allowed to consume the individual until they reach a point of exhaustion.

The most effective method for avoiding pain is to be true to yourself.

Are you genuinely as problematic as you perceive yourself to be? From childhood to adulthood, you have faced ridicule at every turn, and you have developed a way to deal with everything around you. Although this approach may not align with the preferences of everyone involved, you have demonstrated resilience in overcoming adversity to reach your current position.

You have energy, but it was constrained by your parents and then reinvigorated by your partner's unexpected actions. You are now able to view your partner, your parents, and yourself with greater clarity. The pain and desire for resolution that you have been experiencing represent the initial stages of your journey of self-discovery. As you have previously stated, you are determined to demonstrate to yourself that you can succeed, but you are currently unable to inform your partner of your intentions. You are a highly capable individual.

You are aware of your objectives.

It is important to remember that your parents' opinions of you, whether positive or negative, were formed before you got married. Once you are married, you have a different life, so the journey your parents took you on has come to an end.

Your journey with your partner has just begun. You are not a mere puppet, and you must not only prove your abilities but also impress everyone around you, including your parents and your partner.

"During our relationship, we often had little disagreements over things that didn't really matter. During those times, he would sometimes seem a bit distant and focus on discussing right and wrong...

...

"

"He doesn't usually praise me, but he does make sarcastic comments and accuse me of having all kinds of bad habits...

"

1. It's totally normal for minor arguments to happen in any relationship. They're like the oil that keeps things running smoothly. But if this continues for a long time, it might mean you're a little too tolerant of his personality. But he must have something worth admiring about him, otherwise you would not have stuck with him for four years and gotten married.

2. There's a lot of debate about who should take the initiative to admit fault when couples (or lovers) argue. Men are rational beings who like to discuss things on their merits and reason things out with evidence.

But women are emotional and care deeply about their own inner grievances and feelings. So, they will not just argue about one thing at the moment, but will extend the argument to many things, bringing up all the things they felt aggrieved by before.

Unfortunately, this means that your arguments will never lead to a resolution. In fact, most of the time, the woman is in the wrong, but they still insist on not admitting it.

It's because they feel like they're the "weak party" and deserve to be treated with respect by the man. So they wait for the man to take the initiative to admit fault.

But men are best at cold wars. If you don't agree with me, I'll totally understand. We all make mistakes! Just admit your mistake and show your weakness, and both sides will back down, and the problem will be solved.

3. Marriage is really easy to get into, but it can be tough to keep things going. What marriage really needs is for both partners to be understanding and supportive of each other's weaknesses and strengths.

If you try to change someone else to make them become the way you want them to be, it can lead to more and more pain. Many of us have unfortunately chosen the latter, but there's no need to worry!

Even if you want to change the other person, it's always a good idea to try to become a better person yourself. You can influence the other person in a positive way through your good habits or good example. This can help them to change either actively or willingly. This is the best way to achieve good results and present the perfect state of marriage.

I would like to pose a question. From your written account, it is evident that you are experiencing distress in your current relationship.

One might inquire whether he is experiencing distress as a result of this state of marital relations.

This question is of great consequence for the trajectory of your relationship.

It is inevitable that marital difficulties will affect both parties involved. Therefore, it is essential that the two of you address these issues collectively.

From an examination of the text in its entirety, it can be concluded that the source of significant distress is not the quarrels themselves, but rather the tendency of the individual in question to focus on minor details and offer criticism rather than praise. This pattern of interaction, which involves a greater tendency to criticize than to praise, has the effect of making the individual feel unbearable and experiencing significant distress.

The reason for this assertion is that the description provided allows for a multitude of interpretations, each of which will yield a distinct portrait of character. It is my hope that I may still perceive him in a positive light, in order to ascertain whether he possesses a multitude of commendable qualities.

As a result, when composing my reply, I occasionally became absorbed in my thoughts, and I came to perceive that, while you were articulating your distress, you were also indicating that, despite the fact that your husband's methods and conduct evoked pain within you, there was also an aspect of him that was innocent and kind.

Furthermore, your writing does not appear to be solely an expression of grievances. If you genuinely believe that he is detrimental and has caused you significant distress, then it may be more beneficial to terminate the relationship than to seek assistance.

On a more positive note, this has led me to understand the reasons behind your decision to fall in love with your husband for four years, engage in disagreements over minor issues during that period, and frequently argue with him. Nevertheless, you ultimately chose to get married and to live together.

It is unclear whether my interpretation of the situation is accurate. However, it may be beneficial to examine your husband through your description and consider him from two perspectives.

He exhibits a lack of emotional engagement, focusing solely on the dichotomy of right and wrong, whereas I display a tendency towards vulnerability and a proclivity towards feeling aggrieved.

Indifference is an unappealing relationship model because it ignores emotional needs. However, the matter of right and wrong demonstrates that, at the very least, your arguments, though intense, still revolve around right and wrong.

In general, an individual who frequently discusses right and wrong is likely to exhibit characteristics associated with rigidity, introversion, and a tendency to adhere to rules. They are inclined to prioritize principles and adhere to established norms, which may manifest as a proclivity for strict self-discipline and a tendency toward perfectionism or dogmatism.

It is precisely because they are preoccupied with moral dilemmas and the enforcement of rules that they are unable to fully attend to emotional nuances. Consequently, this personality pattern often manifests as a tendency to fixate on external factors and events, which may or may not have underlying motives. In most cases, such behavior is not driven by malicious intent or a desire to find fault. Your question pertains to the nature of the trivial issues that often elicit your criticism.

The formation of these personality traits is also related to the relationship patterns that emerge from the individual's growth experiences and their original family environment.

A comparison of your partner's personality traits with the aforementioned list is recommended.

It is important to note that no individual is without flaws. In order to accept another person, it is essential to recognize and accept their character as an integral part of their identity.

Otherwise, the following scenario is likely to emerge in a marital relationship.

The two individuals in a marital relationship, who were initially attracted to each other, are often drawn to one another because of the complementary nature of their personalities. However, complementarity also implies differences, and after a prolonged period of cohabitation, these differences may become a source of mutual resentment and animosity. This phenomenon is closely related to the difficulty in accepting the integrity of a person's personality.

It is therefore important to consider your husband from two perspectives. The first is to identify the aspects of his personality that cause you distress, and the second is to recognise the positive qualities he possesses, which may not be immediately apparent.

As you subsequently indicated, he will accuse you of a variety of undesirable habits. While you are not pleased with being accused or derided, the specific practices he has identified as problematic include your lack of interest in sports, irregular work and rest schedules, excessive consumption of food, and a particular affinity for hamburgers and fast food.

Is there any veracity to this assertion? Do these behaviors appear to you to be detrimental habits?

One might inquire as to whether the original intention behind the raising of these issues is to find fault with the other party and engage in mockery, to instigate conflict, or whether the intention is, in fact, to encourage the adoption of a healthier lifestyle.

Given the desire of people living together to maintain their partners' health, certain unhealthy habits may potentially lead to adverse consequences for the health and relationship of the partners in question.

His mode of expression is simply not conducive to a comfortable atmosphere.

With regard to consumption habits and preferences in films, TV series, and animation, it is evident that individuals hold disparate views and preferences. It is not always feasible to engage in discourse to ascertain the veracity of these personal preferences.

It is conceivable that this particular aspect of his opinion may evoke a strong sense of discontent and resentment.

In the event that the individual in question is employing a malicious tone and approach, it would be advisable to continue the argument in a more robust manner. This is because, at this juncture, it is of the utmost importance to safeguard one's sense of boundaries and to resist the onslaught of malicious accusations and attacks. It is crucial to recognise that the current argument is not about the merits of particular living habits, but rather about the fundamental issue of boundaries.

If one believes the original intention to be well-intentioned but the manner of expression to be disagreeable, the optimal response is to eschew the disagreeable tone and intonation and focus on the portion that is sensible and beneficial.

It should be regarded as a prompt to enhance one's performance, should there be room for improvement, and as a source of motivation, should there be no need for such.

This approach not only circumvents the potential for unnecessary conflict but also facilitates a deeper comprehension of the other person's benevolent intentions. Upon recognizing this benevolence and expressing acceptance of the suggestions presented, while also delineating the aspects of the tone and inflection that elicit discomfort, the individual in question will become more amenable to continued discourse.

Furthermore, you stated that when you were in a state of distress and fatigue, your husband returned after you had regained your composure, yet he behaved as though nothing had transpired. He did not express remorse or endeavor to comprehend your perspective. Instead, he only consented to dialogue when you insisted and only if it was conducted in a tranquil and gentle manner.

This sentence can be interpreted in two ways. One interpretation is that the husband is exhibiting dominant behavior and is attempting to communicate with his wife in a submissive and low-key manner. This is done in an effort to make her feel submissive and compliant, thereby reinforcing his dominance. Another interpretation is that the husband is not refusing to communicate but is attempting to communicate in a gentle and calm manner.

In this regard, it can be regarded as a form of self-improvement. It serves as a reminder that, rather than leading to feelings of suffocation and misery, communication and understanding between partners is essential. It is beneficial to take the initiative to remind oneself first and maintain a calm and peaceful state of mind before communicating. This approach may not only prevent arguments but also enhance relationship dynamics.

Given that, following an argument, you are resolved to communicate and to do so in a patient and calm manner, it would be preferable to establish this state of mind before the argument even begins and to employ this mode of dialogue.

He abruptly terminated the interaction by closing the door and departing abruptly.

In instances of heightened conflict, he opts to exit the situation rather than persisting in the debate or resorting to violence. Instead, he allows for a period of separation, during which each party can express their negative emotions.

Although the individual may not approve of the method of exit, the act of slamming the door can be interpreted as a means of avoiding further conflict when there is a lack of understanding between the parties involved. It is important to note that engaging in prolonged arguments may not be beneficial and could potentially lead to extreme actions that may cause further harm.

The interpretation of the action in question—slamming a door—may be perceived in different ways. It may be seen as an act of indifference, ruthlessness, or abandonment without care. Alternatively, it may be interpreted as a means of creating space to avoid further escalation of the quarrel. The emotional response to these interpretations will, of course, vary.

If a resolution is not reached through dialogue,

Similarly, it can be interpreted as the other person refusing to resolve the issue at hand, or it can be understood as indicating that, at this time, they are disinclined to engage in further discussion and do not wish to rekindle the conflict.

It is recommended that the individual in question act as if nothing happened and refrain from offering an apology.

This phenomenon is worthy of further examination. In practice, I have observed such couples. The individual who believes that no incident occurred may be driven to engage in futile and interminable debate.

One may choose to ignore the incident entirely. This can be interpreted as a lack of resentment on the part of the other person, and as the adage goes, "a quarrel at bedtime is made up by morning." However, it can also be interpreted as a lack of consequence, as though the incident were inconsequential.

The distinction between these two scenarios is that if the other person has the intention of causing harm, they will invariably initiate the conflict and subsequently employ increasingly aggressive rhetoric, inflicting emotional distress.

Furthermore, the issue of an apology remains unresolved.

As previously stated, an individual who primarily engages in discourse centering on moral absolutes tends to exhibit a high degree of personal integrity. Consequently, they often prioritize their own actions and perspectives. When they critique the actions of others, they frequently present their arguments with logical reasoning and substantiating evidence.

Therefore, they consider themselves to be the correct party in the context of the argument and believe that they are justified in their position. Consequently, they are unlikely to offer an apology.

Furthermore, the motivation behind the refusal to apologize may extend beyond a desire for the other party to concede the merits of the argument. It may also encompass a need for the other party to acknowledge the manner in which the argument was presented.

The reason for this is that you feel that the situation is unfair and that you have been wronged. Regardless of how reasonable he may be, he fails to acknowledge your emotional state and your need for affection, which causes you distress.

This is precisely something that individuals with this personality type are often unaware of or unable to do.

As previously discussed, it is important to accept another person's integrity. However, it is often challenging to anticipate significant changes in personality traits. Instead of expecting immediate alterations, it may be more beneficial to accept the individual for who they are, even if their personality traits are not initially agreeable. This acceptance should be done with a neutral attitude, neither with ill will nor positive bias.

We have developed the capacity to comprehend and accommodate the mannerisms of others, which has rendered it less likely that we will be unduly influenced by them.

Furthermore, the capacity to refrain from succumbing to anger facilitates the perception of positive attributes associated with the personalities of others.

Otherwise, we would not only experience anger directed at ourselves, but we would also perceive the other person's actions and behaviors in a way that aligns with our own negative perceptions.

It is plausible that your vulnerability and sense of grievance, as well as your inner sense of injustice, may be related to the original family model that you mentioned.

In intimate relationships, individuals are particularly susceptible to the reactivation of emotional responses and relationship patterns derived from unresolved issues in their original families.

Furthermore, you also stated, "I know I'm not right, too." When engaged in a dispute, you revert to a childlike state, recalling a time when your parents did not adequately comprehend your needs, resulting in an inability to regulate your intense emotions.

Your ability to reference the child mode and return to feelings associated with childhood indicates a certain familiarity with psychological concepts.

This helps to explain why a critical or accusatory remark from the other party can elicit such powerful emotional responses and why we crave recognition and affirmation so intensely. These reactions are shaped significantly by the relationship patterns observed in our original families.

You are aware that you were also at fault and wish to discuss the matter afterwards to ensure that you are understood. You do not wish for the other person to misunderstand you, but you also desire them to understand you, correct?

In order to be understood, it is essential to comprehend the impact of one's family of origin on one's current intimate relationship.

It is not always the case that the other person is at fault for provoking strong emotional reactions in us. Sometimes, such reactions result from the activation of hurt patterns from our early years in the original family.

It is important to note that no individual is at fault.

Consequently, the more clearly we comprehend our original families, the more we can circumvent misinterpretations and discord in our present intimate relationships.

Furthermore, when both parties are in a state of composure, it is possible to identify instances where dialogue can be initiated regarding the impact of each other's familial backgrounds.

Furthermore, these topics facilitate a deeper comprehension of each other's backgrounds and the influences that shaped their personalities. They also foster a stronger sense of connection and understanding between individuals.

I have one further query.

You indicated that I should endeavor to demonstrate my capabilities in order to avoid provoking his anger.

The desire to prove oneself is a universal experience, stemming from the fundamental human need to be seen, understood, affirmed, recognized, and accepted. When one feels aggrieved, the impulse to clear one's name and prove one's innocence becomes a constant struggle.

Your concern is that your actions may provoke a negative reaction from him. This is a significant issue that warrants further investigation. What are the underlying causes of this apprehension?

Given your stated fear of provoking an angry response from him, it may be advisable to allow him to speak and concede, rather than engaging in a dispute with him.

The styles of action of two individuals with different personality traits can be distinguished by their differing approaches to conflict. One individual may engage in a combative and fearful manner, while the other may avoid confrontation and seek to avoid provoking the other person's anger.

It may be the case that you are fearful of causing him distress. Could it be that when he is in a negative emotional state, he will target you and hold you responsible, which will result in discord between you both? Might this then lead to a cycle of grievances, vulnerability and perceived injustice, which you find distressing and undesirable?

It would be beneficial to cite examples of other individuals and describe their positive attributes. It is also important to note that the subject in question is constantly evaluating and assessing the individual in a critical manner.

This is a highly critical description.

Comparing oneself to others is a damaging practice that can lead to self-doubt and a lack of confidence in one's abilities. It is therefore essential to be vigilant about this phenomenon.

Once more, in terms of interpretation, it is essential to ascertain whether the other individual is akin to a parent who is disheartened by their child and compares them to other children, with the intention of motivating them to improve, or whether they are merely seeking to undermine and belittle the individual in question. These two states have the potential to cause significant distress, yet they are fundamentally distinct in nature.

In conclusion, you inquire as to the appropriate course of action in the event of discomfort.

Indeed, the potential response is already implicit in the aforementioned statements.

In conclusion,

One source of distress is the impact of one's original family on one's current intimate relationship.

Consequently, in order to enhance the situation and avoid further distress, it may be beneficial to examine one's family of origin to gain insight into how it has influenced one's personality and behavior. This approach can help to prevent miscommunication and misunderstanding.

It is possible that the blame for causing distress should not be attributed to the other person, but rather to an underlying issue stemming from their upbringing.

2. Adopt the perspective of viewing oneself and one's spouse as two distinct yet interdependent halves of a unified whole.

If the other person's original intention is benevolent but the manner of its expression causes discomfort, then by considering each other's perspectives, the two of you can discern the original intention and the complementary aspects of each other's personalities when you first fell in love. Additionally, you can identify areas for mutual growth.

Furthermore, dividing things into two allows for the acceptance of one's own and one's partner's respective personalities. When coupled with the initial point of understanding the original family, it becomes possible to comprehend each other's behavioral patterns and inner emotional needs more fully. Additionally, it is possible to discern which actions may cause discomfort for one's partner and which actions are more likely to be accepted.

3. It is recommended that communication be conducted in a gentle and calm manner.

A communication style that is gentle and calm can facilitate a reduction in the number of arguments that occur between partners and can contribute to a greater sense of compatibility and understanding between them.

When communicating in a calm and gentle manner, the two parties can agree on the modes of communication and arguments. Furthermore, they can agree on alternative ways of doing things and alternative ways of expressing themselves.

For example, if the act of slamming doors is a source of distress, it may be possible to agree upon a compromise: the individual may slam the door to return to their room, but not leave the house. This would prevent the other party from leaving the individual alone, which could potentially exacerbate feelings of loneliness and despondency.

It is possible to continue slamming doors because he also has emotions, but being in the same room will make you feel less lonely. Furthermore, there is another advantage: a man actually cannot stand it when a woman cries alone. At this time, it is easier for him to soften his heart and come out to comfort you.

For instance, if he disapproves of your undesirable habits, you may consider gradually reducing them and establishing more beneficial ones. By accepting and incorporating his advice, you can demonstrate to him that his words are valuable and meaningful to you. Subsequently, you may suggest that he could be more gentle in his words, and you would be more willing to accept them.

Furthermore, he will be more amenable to negotiation.

A minor agreement of this nature is most effectively addressed within the context of gentle and calm communication.

4. It is important to note the use of the question mark.

As previously stated, the interpretations of your descriptions can vary considerably. It is this writer's preference to view your husband's actions through the lens of goodwill and integrity. This approach is intended to facilitate comprehension of partners with disparate personalities and enhance mutual understanding of their actions.

As the actual experiencer and party to the relationship, it is crucial to recognize that indifference, lack of warmth, and blame-shifting behaviors may indicate the presence of cold violence. To avoid being emotionally manipulated, it is essential to develop strategies for recognizing and responding to these abusive tactics.

In such a case, it would be advisable to start a new thread to reply.

This is the pattern of interaction observed in a relationship that has lasted four years, and ultimately, the couple chose to get married.

I would posit that a more fruitful approach would be to attempt to comprehend the disparate facets of each individual's personality, rather than assuming the worst of them.

My name is Bo, sir.

Hello!

I am a heart coach, and learning is the treasure of the body!

From your description, I can feel your inner doubts, grievances, dissatisfaction, pain, and a sense of being at a loss. But don't worry! I'm here to help.

You said that you and your husband were in love for four years and married for one year. That's a great start! However, it seems like he is always picking on you over trivial things, which is understandable given the circumstances.

Next, I'm excited to help you analyze the reasons for this, for your reference:

For one thing, he is always picking on you, probably because he is "used to" it.

Think back to the state of your relationship. If you were always being picked on, it shows that he is "used to" getting along with you that way!

And his pattern of getting along with people is likely related to the way his parents get along with him, which is great!

In other words, he may have been brought up in an environment where his parents were critical, and he thinks that this is the "normal" way to get along with people, and there is nothing wrong with it!

Second, he is always picking on you, probably for your own good—and you know what? That's a good thing!

You also mentioned in your description that you have some bad habits, and he picks on you because he thinks he is helping you to get rid of them for your own good.

Third, he's always picking on you, probably to prove that he's better than you.

In his eyes, he doesn't allow himself to be at a disadvantage in his interactions with you. You also said that you argue because he only listens to you when you speak to him in a gentle way. Perhaps he feels that "I'm better than you, you have to listen to me," so he is used to picking on you to show that he is better than you. After all, people are narcissistic, but we can change that!

If you want to change the situation, you can try this:

The first thing you need to do is communicate with him sincerely!

It's time to share your true thoughts with him!

However, when communicating with him, it is best to start with "I" and talk about your feelings more, and avoid or minimize the use of "you" because the latter will make him feel rejected and accused, which is not conducive to communication between you. So, let's start with "I" and talk about our feelings!

For example, you can say to him, "Hey there! I'm ready for a good chat. I know I have some bad habits, including always entering child mode when arguing, but I'm ready to change! I hope you won't always pick on me, because that makes me feel bad. I also feel that you don't love me anymore, which hurts me. I will try my best to get rid of my bad habits. I hope you can give me some time. At the same time, I long for you to have a good chat with me and not be sarcastic. Is that okay?"

When you communicate with him in such an honest manner, there's a very good chance that he'll change! It's possible that he doesn't realize that his actions have hurt you. When he changes, you'll feel better too!

Second, give him some time. In the meantime, keep the communication flowing!

When you communicate with him sincerely, he may not change immediately because he may be used to communicating with you in that way. But don't worry! At this time, you should give him some time and communicate with him calmly and dispassionately.

After you've communicated this many times, there's a good chance he'll realize that his behavior isn't appropriate and change!

Third, get ready for the exciting news! He's not going to change, so it's time to focus on yourself, make yourself better, and live your life!

When you communicate with him deeply and give him some time, and there have been many sincere exchanges during this period, but he still always picks on you and has no intention of changing, then you can accept the reality that you have a husband who always picks on you. And you know what? You can accept it and move on!

Then focus on yourself, address your shortcomings, accept the things you cannot change, and change the things you can. When you have made yourself better (including changing bad habits, becoming strong inside, learning to control your emotions, etc.), he will naturally pick on you less, and the arguments between you will also decrease.

Even if he still picks on you, you are likely to not care much because you no longer expect him to change. Without expectations, there is no more hurt. You just have a different state of life, because you pay more attention to yourself and make yourself better—and it's an amazing feeling!

I really hope my answer helps! If you want to chat some more, just click on "Find a coach" at the bottom and I'll be in touch!

Dear Question Asker,

Prior to analyzing your narrative, I must interject with a frank observation: It is perplexing why, despite four years of romantic involvement and four years of discord, you have not yet terminated the relationship.

As you describe it, every time you argue, you "enter child mode, return to the state of being misunderstood by your parents in childhood, and cannot control your desperate feelings." He storms out of the house, you cry your heart out, you are exhausted, he returns after venting his anger, and you "make up" again.

This scenario is analogous to the experiences of childhood, wherein parents would engage in yelling, arguing, and other forms of negative communication. The distinction lies in the individuals involved and the underlying reasons for such interactions.

As a child, one's parents would often scold and lecture indiscriminately, displaying a lack of understanding or concern and failing to offer subsequent apologies. This would result in a complex emotional state, comprising feelings of both aggrievement and desperation, sadness and helplessness.

One is reluctant to leave one's parents because of the inherent power differential between child and parent. Additionally, one may be reluctant to leave one's parents because one believes oneself to be worthy of love and thus believes that one is undeserving of abandonment.

This pattern and this belief are deeply ingrained in the subject's psyche.

Over the course of four years, the subject's romantic partner has consistently exhibited a tendency to be critical and sarcastic. His persistent negative commentary has served to reinforce the negative sentiments that the subject experienced during childhood, when their parents rejected them.

The frustration of one's self-esteem can lead to the perception of numerous shortcomings, a sense of being fundamentally flawed, and a belief that one is undeserving of love. At the same time, the fear of being abandoned can drive individuals to cater to others and alter their behaviors to gain approval and acceptance.

Please describe the current state of your relationship with your parents.

In order to be respected and loved by others, it is first necessary to learn to love oneself. How, then, does one love oneself? One must not compromise oneself, but rather follow one's heart. One should eat, drink, and say what one wants, when one wants, and however one wants. The manner in which one says it is a matter of skill. One should narrate, cry, explain, scold, or take any other appropriate action in accordance with the situation.

In the previous generation, there was no scientific data available on child-rearing practices. Parents held the view that they were the authority figures in their children's lives and that their instructions should be followed unquestioningly.

"I scold you for your own good." During childhood, it is common for children to disagree with their parents frequently, experience insomnia due to distress, and refrain from speaking up in their presence.

Such behavior is often the result of fear and worry.

Similarly, during the course of your relationship and now that you are married, you are reluctant to express disapproval in front of your partner. You are fearful that he will leave you, and you believe that his continued presence in your life is a testament to his grace and love for you.

You have come here today in search of assistance, with the intention of articulating the confusion, concerns, and grievances that have accumulated over time. This demonstrates a noteworthy advancement in your efforts to effect change.

If your husband treats you in this manner, it would be beneficial to ascertain whether he treats other individuals in a similar fashion.

It is challenging to alter the behavior of others, but it is much more straightforward to modify one's own actions. A woman who exudes confidence is perceived as more attractive and more socially adept.

In light of the aforementioned, it is my hope that you are now in a position to ascertain your desired approach.

I would like to express my gratitude to those who have read this text.