Mom sometimes shifts her own mistakes onto me, and tells others it was me who did it?

Hello, questioner!

In your interactions with your mother, she always shirks her responsibilities. Your parents don't see what you do at home, which makes you sad, upset, and even want to give up on life. Let's sort this out together.

As you can see from the description, your mother relies on you quite a bit. Since you're young and don't really understand the adult world, your mother's reliance will probably wear on you and annoy you. It might also make you have some negative views on interpersonal relationships (maybe because you're copying your mother), which could affect how you communicate with the outside world.

Why do mothers tend to transfer their problems and confusions to their children? It's often because the parents have poor communication skills or find it difficult to communicate with each other, which can lead to a poor marital relationship.

As the primary caregiver, the mother will often project her own emotional needs onto her children.

It's not fair to say that what they did was completely wrong. Maybe in the circumstances, you were the only person your mother trusted and could rely on. She needed to release her emotions, so she poured them out to you without considering that you were a child and unable to shoulder your own "responsibilities." This kind of family life is rigid, and it's also the current state of affairs in many families. People in life are not at all "self-aware" of its harm.

We can't undo what's been done, and complaining about parents won't help. Now that we know why this is happening, we need to think about how to break free from the old patterns of interaction and get parents and ourselves to live in harmony. Here are some suggestions for how to do this:

(1) Make sure everyone's responsibilities are clear.

We often make the mistake of taking on other people's responsibilities or imposing our own on them. Parents need to manage their own relationships and face and resolve their own conflicts.

If your mom confides in you again about her distress, you can suggest that she communicate with your dad directly. This way, you won't be caught in the middle and made to feel awkward. After all, they're both people you love, and you want them to be happy.

(2) Give your mother the space to pursue her own interests and hobbies.

Try to find something for your mother to do in her spare time. Encourage her to get out of the house and do something that interests her, like square dancing or going to a university for the elderly. If she spends all her time at home, she'll be focused on you and your father. She's invested a lot of time and energy, and if she doesn't get what she wants, she'll complain and blame.

It'll be good for everyone if we encourage her to get out and see more of the world.

(3) Tolerance

It's important to remember that people's habits can't be changed overnight. Even in the process of change, we still need to be understanding and tolerant of our mothers. For minor issues that aren't really about right or wrong, we can just let it go and not argue about who's right and who's wrong, because it's not really worth it.

(4) Learn to give yourself a boost

When your parents scold you, you can tell them exactly what you did instead of getting angry by yourself. Affirming yourself positively makes us more tolerant of others' negative judgments.

(5) Self-encouragement and self-comfort

It's not easy for anyone, let alone their parents, to admit when they're wrong. This might be because of so-called "self-esteem" or an inability to face "one's own failures." This is a self-protection defense mechanism that is innate in life and exists in our "subconscious mind," which is difficult for us to recognize.

Only those who are good at reflecting on their own thoughts and feelings have the courage and wisdom to do so.

So, when we can't get the support we need from others, we need to learn to be kind to ourselves, to comfort and encourage ourselves. That's also one of the signs of a mature person.

(6) Learn about relevant knowledge.

Learning is also a great way to understand ourselves and others better. We can learn from books about the meaning of life and find our own value. We can also learn from books about getting along with others, so that we can interact positively with the people around us and increase the joy of life.

In short, if you can break out of your comfort zone, you'll realize that life is worth cherishing. The journey is long, but the rewards are worth it.

Just a heads-up, the above suggestions are for reference only.

I hope they're helpful.

Wishing you the best!

Greetings. I am Gu Yi, and I approach this discourse with the utmost humility and modesty, akin to a valley.

It is essential to cultivate self-love from a place of genuine compassion and to adopt a more impartial perspective when engaging in interpersonal relationships.

It would be beneficial to address and resolve any outstanding issues in your relationship with your family.

In light of your description, I am prompted to revisit a topic previously discussed: the relative intensity of parental and child love.

Parents who marry at an appropriate age and have children together will continue to love their children until they reach old age. Children, on the other hand, love their parents from the moment they are born and will continue to miss them until they reach old age.

It is often said that a parent's heart is in their children, but a child's heart is in a stone. This raises the question of what constitutes true love.

As humans, we are all novices in this endeavor. It is implausible for first-time parents to be entirely content. The mother you described appears unreasonable and implausible, exerting significant pressure on you and burdening you with an unconventional educational approach.

However, motherhood represents a novel role for her. Has she effectively transitioned to this new role? It is possible that your presence is of considerable consequence, facilitating her development as a mother.

You are the agent of change, the catalyst for your mother's growth and development as a mother. Now that you have assumed this role, it is time to address the grievances and sorrows accumulated over the years.

You indicated that when you articulated your grievances, your mother denied them, as if she was at fault for your discontent. You were displeased and perplexed. You perceived her as unreasonable and believed that life was challenging for you. I empathize with your situation, but it would be beneficial to explore alternative methods of expression and resolution.

The optimal method for conveying one's grievances to one's mother.

A harmonious and happy family is the result of the joint efforts of all parties. If one makes an effort to take on household chores oneself, one can hopefully cultivate an independent and self-reliant person, study hard, and have more choices in the future. Being able to do housework and having super life skills and manual dexterity will also be advantageous.

Life has the capacity to both take away and give. There are individuals who demonstrate love in ways that may not be immediately apparent.

If the mother's method of expressing affection is inept and causes the child to feel depressed, it would be beneficial to discuss this in a different manner. For instance, if the mother accuses the child of misplacing her phone, despite having placed it away herself.

It is unlikely that a direct accusation will be well received, as people tend to value their pride. An alternative approach might be to assist the mother in recalling the item and then helping her to search for it together.

It is the cumulative effect of minor interactions that shapes our emotional and cognitive processes.

Perhaps when we were children, we had no alternative but to acquiesce to circumstances. However, now that we have become self-aware, we can effect change in our own way. The world is a beautiful and fascinating place, and there is much to explore.

It is advisable to cultivate self-reliance and pursue a greater number of options. It would be prudent to do so.

I wish you the utmost success.

Hello, question asker!

I read your post and I can tell you're feeling frustrated and helpless. I'm here for you.

At the end of your post, you say, "But the most ridiculous thing is that I'm afraid of what will happen to my parents if I leave. Will they be able to get by without me?"

From what I can see, you're a very kind child. Even when you were in pain, you still felt that your pain came from your parents, mostly your mother. But in your heart, you couldn't let go of your concern for your mother. You deserve a big compliment for your concern for your mother!

You know, reading your post made me think about your situation. You said your mother called you at university and said this and that. I think you should be working now, which means you must be at least 24 or 25 years old.

If that's really the case, I thought, maybe you should be more preoccupied with other things recently, such as work, marriage, etc. Often, things in other areas may also be reflected in how you get along with your parents!

I also think your mother probably has her own opinions and may not be able to listen to what other people say. Regarding what you said:

Yesterday, her phone disappeared on its own. When she couldn't find it, she kept saying I must have put it away.

After I found it for her, she put it down herself when she was getting dressed, but she kept blaming me. I tried to protest, but she still refused to admit it, so she started yelling at me.

I really empathize with this situation. It's true, we were both so upset. It was obviously not our fault; he did it himself. He really refused to admit his fault. If it were our fault, he would have said something, but since it wasn't, he yelled at us. This is really the situation. I was so angry at the time that I really couldn't stand it. I want to give you a hug, a long hug, to try to make it better!

If it were someone else, someone who isn't a family member, we'd just ignore them. But we can't! That's why they're family members, right?

I think we can all agree that there should be a little more tolerance between family members. Fortunately, we've proven that this is neither our business nor a proven matter. If mom still acts like this, we'll use our own wisdom in the future to minimize the occurrence of such things and keep evidence of everything we do.

I'd try not to have such big conflicts with my mother.

We can view this as a trial for us, a test to try us and afflict us. Regardless of who you get along with, you have to be tactful. I agree with what you said. Last night, I talked about everything with my mother. She may not be satisfied with his performance on the surface, but she definitely has her own thoughts. People with this kind of personality may be like a duck's mouth: hard on the outside but soft on the inside. If necessary, if we really can't stand it, we can also lose our temper in front of our parents. We don't have to deliberately hold back and endure it. This is family. The next day after you told your mother what happened:

This morning, when my dad saw me, he started saying that I'm getting lazier every day. She laughed and agreed with him, saying that I was getting lazier every day and that he should let her do more work.

Your mom can still smile. You know, last night, she was really mad at you, and you didn't know what to say. But after a night's sleep, she's fine and smiling again.

From my perspective as an outsider, I see that you were probably pretty laid-back parents! It's true that your memory isn't the best, and you tend to forget things easily. But it's not just that you forget things easily. I think you and Dad are actually pretty easy-going with our kids, at least in some ways. You don't let things get to you, unlike a lot of young people who have better memories and can remember and think of lots of associations about everything.

Let's think about it from our parents' perspective. They're our elders, and their knowledge and learning abilities are different from ours. We have to recognize their limitations. Look, we've gone to university, we're all university students, and we know to come here for help when we have problems. We've become aware of ourselves, so how do we know that we've become aware of psychology? It's really about healing, which is the start of our own change.

So, I think that once you've asked for help here, you'll start to see changes. You've said that your performance over the years has been:

I've done a lot of work in this family. I've been cooking all kinds of dishes since junior high school. I can do anything, whether it's housework or farm work.

You're so capable that you often do the housework and farm work. But I don't know if you've ever thought about it. There really is a lot of housework and farm work. You said you would do it, but you're not the one who supports half the sky at home, or the one who supports 1/3 of it! I think it must be your parents who are in charge of everything in this family.

I think there might be some truth to what my parents said. Basically, if we keep our body and mind busy, we may think about other things less in the future. What did you think at the time or in the past?

Have you ever thought of saying this to your mother? When she woke you up in the middle of the night to talk or called you at university, it's okay if you didn't say it before. If she complains to you in the future, you can say this to her: "Mom, let's do more together in the future. Just do more and think less, and then you'll have fewer worries."

I actually think this method that mom and dad have in mind is pretty good. It's just difficult to apply it to oneself, including them, you, and me. If we're exhausted and sweaty every day, busy non-stop, we won't be thinking about this and that. It's a very good method. You can devote yourself to cooking your favorite dishes, doing the farm work, or your household chores.

Otherwise, I think that since you're on this platform, you'll see that there are many people here who have the same problems and are confused as you. Why don't we use our own experiences to look at this problem together and see how it can be solved?

This can also be used as a learning direction for you. In this way, not only can you help yourself, but if you are helped yourself, you can also help others who are confused like you.

There are always more ways than there are difficulties. As long as you find a way, you can definitely solve the problem of getting along with your parents. If you can solve the problem of getting along with your parents, I think you'll find it's easier to deal with other problems in your life.

Take it slow. If you need a break, take one. But come back and keep at it. The best way to work through this is to come here and let it all out. When you do, you'll feel better.

All you have to do is get started, right away. Find your own way to make a change!

I love you, world!

I extend my warmest regards from a distance.

A careful reading of your post reveals the difficulties you face within your family. It appears that you have difficulty gaining recognition and understanding from your parents, and that you frequently bear the blame for your mother's emotional state. Let us examine these issues and consider how you might address them independently.

1. It is advisable to allow the mother to resolve her own issues independently.

Since attending junior high school, my mother has frequently expressed her concerns to me. These include suspicions of infidelity by my father, allegations of unsavoury relatives, and the like. On occasion, she has also roused me from sleep at night to inform me that she will contact me again when I commence my university studies.

It appears that my mother has a multitude of grievances and concerns that she feels compelled to discuss with another individual. She lacks the love and security that she seeks within her family and requires a reliable source to whom she can turn for emotional support and catharsis. This need has led her to seek out communication in the middle of the night.

It is important to note that the situation may be challenging for your mother. Her living environment has not provided her with a sense of security. She has placed you in a position within the family that is not your responsibility. This misplacement has resulted in you bearing a significant burden that should not be your responsibility, as well as affecting your interactions with relatives.

These issues appear to be beyond one's control at this juncture. They are matters that should be addressed by the mother independently. Therefore, it may be helpful to attempt to comprehend her perspective and accept her limitations.

One must then attempt to disassociate oneself from the situation, reiterating to oneself that these are matters that the mother must address and that one's affection for her does not absolve one of responsibility for one's own actions. One must also recognize that one can maintain one's identity and autonomy despite these circumstances.

2. The manner in which I communicate with my parents:

I observed that you had been misinterpreting your mother's actions, specifically her failure to respond to your phone calls. I then proceeded to convey to her the array of grievances and sentiments that I had been harboring for an extended period. Despite my efforts, my mother remained reluctant to acknowledge her actions. She then became visibly upset and inquired, "Is it acceptable for her to pass away?"

I empathize with your sentiments of being wronged and aggrieved. I also comprehend your desire to discuss with your mother the feelings you have harbored over the years and to establish a more constructive communication with her. I had not anticipated that my mother would continue to evade her own issues, shifting from avoidance to anger and even expressing her discontent by stating that she deserved to die.

From this description, it is evident that my mother is grappling with a similar predicament. Despite being aware of her shortcomings, she is reluctant to confront and acknowledge them, and is unable to articulate them effectively. You have identified a vulnerability in her psyche, which has prompted her to resort to defensive mechanisms.

It is important to note that attempting to communicate with your mother in this manner in the hope that she will change may prove challenging. It is possible that your mother may require empathy more than anything else. It would be advisable to first demonstrate to her that you understand her, and then open up and communicate about deeper issues. This will undoubtedly take time. It may be beneficial to identify some relaxing occasions, such as when your mother comes to you to talk, and first listen patiently, and then slowly start communicating.

3. It is important to recognize that parents are parents, but that does not preclude one from being their own person and living their own life.

"I have considerable experience in this family. I have been able to cook a wide variety of dishes since junior high school. I am capable of performing a wide range of tasks, including housework and farm work.

I am weary of life itself. I have contemplated death innumerable times, but the most absurd aspect is that I am concerned about the fate of my parents in my absence. Will they be able to cope?

I am disheartened to read your words. It is evident that you still hold affection for your parents, yet you are unable to comprehend the manner in which they treat you. I wish to inform you, my child, that your parents have their own lives. This may be attributed to factors such as their familial background and upbringing, or it may be related to their personal growth challenges. These issues may prove challenging to alter. However, you possess your own life and your own personal growth issues. Frequently, you can set aside your identity as their child and embrace your true self.

It is this author's belief that if one is willing to make the requisite effort, one can lead a fulfilling life. It is imperative not to allow one's parents' lives to impede one's own.

If circumstances require, one may also temporarily leave one's parents and live independently for a period of time to reflect on and explore one's own life.

It is imperative that you exhibit fortitude and persevere in life. The future is expansive, replete with potential opportunities and unexpected occurrences.

Hello, question asker! I'm Qingqing, the little sun, a whale social worker.

From your description, I understand your anger, helplessness, and confusion, as well as your desire to change the situation. I am confident that my analysis will answer your questions.

(1) I feel sorry for the questioner for what she has experienced in such a family environment and for having to take on such a role at such a young age. However, I believe that many words of comfort are no longer useful. Perhaps the questioner has been comforting herself during countless times of despair. Therefore, let's talk about what we can do.

(2) We cannot change this suffocating family environment through our own efforts. The biggest problem is mom, whose unhealthy mentality makes her dump all her problems on you, who are young and don't know how to say no. But we can change ourselves!

(3) The questioner should spend less time alone with his mother. He should tell a more authoritative relative, such as a grandparent, about what has happened to him and use this to find someone more powerful to relieve his mother's pressure on him. The most important thing is the questioner himself. When you are unhappy, go to the farm to calm down, and you can even tell the animals about your suffering. No matter what happens, you must first protect yourself.

You will get out of this situation.

You've got this! (Yixinli Whale Social Worker)