My family members are all very temperamental, and they have high expectations of me. What should I do?

Hello.

Host:

I have read the post carefully and I can feel the extreme depression of the poster from the content. At the same time, I also noticed that the poster bravely expressed his distress and actively sought help, which will undoubtedly help the poster to better understand himself and adjust his outlook to encounter a better self.

I will now share my observations and thoughts in the post, which will undoubtedly help the poster gain a richer perspective on herself.

1. Create a space that is just for you.

From the post, it's clear that the poster's parents are both short-tempered. These emotions are ultimately borne silently by the poster, so it's no surprise that they feel a great impact and even begin to doubt themselves, becoming more and more inferior.

I understand the original poster, but I also see that they are not yet able to face the negative emotions caused by their parents.

You need to ask yourself what you can do at this time. I have noticed that the original poster is looking for a job, so after finding a job, you need to decide whether you can live on your own.

Your financial situation will determine whether you can live independently from your parents.

Create your own space and distance yourself from your parents. This will help you keep your emotions separate from theirs. It will give you more energy to focus on yourself and improve yourself.

Sometimes, we have to learn to be kind to ourselves by leaving. Leaving is not because the other person is not good enough. It is simply a matter of feeling better when we are on our own. We must take responsibility for our emotions and our lives.

We must take better care of ourselves if we want to be more capable of taking care of others.

2. Look at our parents' comments from an adult perspective.

The post reveals that the poster's parents have a lot of negative things to say about him. This is sad.

We've grown up now and have our own thinking system and our own perceptions. We must learn to look at our parents' comments about us from an adult perspective and understand why they are the way they are.

The original poster stated that her father did not go to work. While the reason is unclear, it is evident that he is not employed. However, given his high expectations of you, it is apparent that he hopes you will achieve what he has not.

He has been unhappy with his own life development and has placed all his hopes on you! His unhappiness has suppressed a lot of emotions, which he has directed at the original poster, your mother.

Mom feels aggrieved too. She doesn't know how to deal with these emotions, so she directs them at you again. We need to look at it from an adult's perspective. They are both very emotional people, so we cannot take their comments about us at face value.

A person's heart cannot hold rationality when it is full of emotions.

After discussing this, the original poster will be able to understand their parents better. While understanding is not the same as forgiving, they will realize that their parents' comments are not objective. This should help them to stop being upset about it.

3. Build your own defense mechanism.

We must build a defense system to prevent our parents from harming us. This is the only way to protect ourselves. We can't rely on them to stop harming us on their own. They need to be held accountable for their actions. Think of a computer. It can function normally not because it is free of viruses, but because it has a firewall.

When facing the harm done to us by our parents, we must build our own defense system to protect ourselves and prevent our emotions from being seriously affected.

You need to build a defense system. First, you have to realize that your parents' expectations of you are unreasonable.

On the other hand, we must recognize what is our own business and what is our parents' business. We need to learn to separate issues and recognize what is our own issue and what is our parents' issue.

We must take responsibility for our own issues, and parents must take responsibility for theirs.

This is not about neglecting your parents. It's about setting your own needs as a priority and making sure they're met. If you can do that while also fulfilling your parents' expectations, even better.

If they can't do it, then accept that and don't push them to do so.

4. Self-acceptance

The host mentioned in the post that she has an inferiority complex. This is unacceptable. What is the reason for this inferiority complex?

If you're feeling down because of your parents, you're not alone. We've already established that our parents' evaluations of us are often unreasonable. So, why would we allow ourselves to be hurt by these unreasonable evaluations?

It won't make you feel inferior. You need to learn to get to know yourself again.

Learn to see your own strengths and recognize your own weaknesses. Develop your strengths and accept your weaknesses.

This is how you will encounter a better self. This is how you will also better accept yourself.

Accept what you cannot change about yourself. Focus your energy on the parts you can change.

I am Zeng Chen, a psychological coach at One Mind. I hope these words will be of some help and inspiration to the poster.

Thank you for your question.

You care about other people's feelings, especially those of important people in your life. You feel uncomfortable because your family expects a lot from you.

Your family thinks you're stupid because you don't talk much.

My family is short-tempered and has high expectations of me. I'm just an ordinary college student. I'm not smart. When I was little, my elders said I was stupid for not talking much and that I was not liked by others. So I pretended to be outgoing.

You feel rejected by your family and it hurts. Is that right?

They say you're stupid because you weren't a chatterbox as a child. It's hard not to feel like there's something wrong with you when everyone thinks there is.

Also, children need adults to reflect their image of themselves. This makes them think that adults see them as they really are.

Some adults have cognitive limitations. They can't see the real child and project their own unacceptability onto the child.

Your elders think not talking much is silly, but it's because they can't accept that they don't want to talk.

The wise person speaks slowly.

Many geniuses have physical or mental reasons for speaking slowly and not much. Newton is an example.

So, being introverted or not talking much is just a trait. There is no good or bad. You need to understand yourself better.

What they say may be you, but it may not be. It may just be one aspect of you. If you believe what they say is how you really are,

If you identify with them, you will feel inferior.

2. Your parents are always criticizing you.

Your parents' frequent accusations and criticisms are caused by their own lack of acceptance. It's not your fault.

You've recognized the negative impact of their misunderstandings, accusations, and aggressive expressions.

However, you find it difficult to disagree with them or reject their influence. As you mentioned, you want to be more confident, but you are becoming more self-conscious.

This is not easy. To reject parental projection, you may need to understand yourself, your family, and your beliefs.

Understanding your early life helps you live your own life, not someone else's.

You want to be more confident.

You seem to have a hard time accepting your inferiority.

We all want to be confident, not inferior. We reject, push away, and even hate inferiority. We cannot see the value of inferiority itself.

Low self-esteem is a gift from our ancestors. It helped our ancestors develop their abilities and skills and survive in difficult circumstances.

But now, it seems that inferiority is stopping us from developing ourselves.

This is very possible. When we are afraid of being inferior, it becomes a problem.

Adler, the founder of individual psychology, said:

Low self-esteem is something to overcome.

To become confident, we must overcome our inferiority complex, accept fear, and take action.

You will realize you are overcoming your inferiority and gaining confidence.

I hope this helps. I love you.

You know what they say: a stupid bird doesn't fly! You're waiting for your own eggs to fly, and you've set many unreasonable demands on them. This is really a double standard and moral kidnapping. Why would your family members behave like this? Do they have to torment and bully you just because you're a younger generation?

It's really heartbreaking. You're just an ordinary college student, and you know your own worth. But your family members are strict and critical of you in every way, always criticizing you for being ignorant. This actually makes you feel like you have no status in the family.

You also don't have the support of your family, and their love seems like a delusion, a gift you can't receive. Your parents think you're stupid but still expect you to do amazing and perfect things, which is contradictory. But you can overcome this! We need to be aware of the Pygmalion effect that authoritative people exert on us.

If your parents keep criticizing you, it can be easy to start thinking you're not good enough. But you are! And you can get out of this situation. Look for crisis intervention hotlines on the platform to help you get back on your feet.

Parents who seem to be a bit grumpy, lazy, and addicted to criticism are really a nightmare for you. But don't worry! It's best to find a job that suits you, and if you can do it from home, that's even better, so you can stay away from such parents. You can still be yourself within a certain range, and don't always appear in front of people who hurt you. I recommend that you take the psychological test for trauma in the original family. I wish you well!

ZQ?