My father is a self-righteous person, and I really hate him. What should I do?

Hello. I'm not sure what your age is, but I hope you're still in school or have already started working.

From what you have shared, it seems that every word is full of helplessness, hopelessness, and pain. It is clear that your life has not been easy. You have experienced your father's verbal violence since you were a child. How have you managed to persevere?

Perhaps we could consider him worthy of our admiration.

It's likely that there were many times along the way when you felt like giving up. As a child who was subjected to verbal violence, it's understandable that you might have slowly come to identify with your parents and doubt yourself. It's not easy to be firm when you're being criticized and blamed by the person who is supposed to be the closest to you – your father.

I can imagine you must be feeling quite confused, helpless, and hopeless. You have worked hard.

It is fortunate that you have a good mother who encourages you from time to time. Although you say she doesn't give you much information, it seems that she is perhaps a bit weak and unable to deal with the way your father treats you or change her marriage. However, she is the light that warms you in this family.

The past is the past. It's important to remember that a person cannot give you what they themselves do not have. It's possible that the same was true for your father's family of origin. He also experienced verbal violence, and without awareness and awakening, he continued the harm. However, no matter what, he should not treat you this way.

Perhaps it would be helpful to view him as a person who is struggling to perceive things in a different way.

You, on the other hand, are different. You have grown up and will be more capable than before of emerging from the difficult situation you are in and embracing your new life. Asking for help is the first step towards embracing your new life. You are courageous. I wish you all the best.

Hello, question asker.

I can imagine the internal trauma caused by your father, which made you doubt yourself at one point and even made you feel helpless and desperate. But I want to be clear: you should not pay for your father's mistakes!

You can't undo your father's negative influence, but you've still got a lot of youth and endless possibilities for the future! And there's your loving mother, who can work hard and face life with strength because of you. You're not alone. At 18, you'll become an adult with the freedom to live independently and autonomously, so you've got to be strong!

Second, we can understand his particularly annoying behavior by understanding the psychological motives behind it, which will relieve us of some of the burden.

He likes to put on a very impressive posture and point his finger at others whenever something happens. If we don't do what he thinks, he'll exert verbal violence, saying that we're stupid and don't know what's good for us.

I have heard a lot of this kind of thing. I can say with confidence that I have hardly ever heard anything encouraging or praising.

When he was young, he studied hard to gain recognition, but he would just say coldly that it was nothing special. (And the countless scenes of him losing his temper, breaking things and fighting...) From the information described above, the following analysis can be drawn:

1. He is vulnerable and self-doubting! His verbal and physical violence is a type of psychological defense mechanism, namely an aggressive defense mechanism. He feels very uneasy and frightened about his situation. In a situation where he cannot escape, he needs a greater sense of control to balance his inner unease.

2. He is under a lot of pressure in his environment. This pressure comes from parents, his wife and children, neighbors, work, and social media. These pressures have not been reasonably vented or supplemented with pleasant emotions. The accumulated pressure causes anxiety and irritability.

You must learn to avoid being affected by his negative emotions.

1. Don't give up on yourself. Keep studying hard to improve the family atmosphere. It's not set in stone, and with everyone's joint efforts, it will change for the better!

2. In your daily life, do not prove anything to him. He may see it as a provocation. Avoid putting pressure on him.

3. Take your focus off him! Children instinctively crave their parents' approval, and they pay particular attention to those who strongly deny themselves in order to prove their own value and gain recognition.

If you cannot rationally view your father's actions, then you must temporarily lower your expectations of him.

You will regain your spirits and actively work towards creating your own happy life.

I am fighting!

Hi, I'm June.

You have a mother who works hard to support the family and a father who doesn't. You feel unfairly towards your mother. You are sensible, and I applaud you!

#When I was young, I studied hard to get recognition, but he just said it was nothing special.#

You dislike your father, but you also have expectations of him.

You want your father to recognize and encourage you, don't you?

I have seen him lose his temper, break things, and fight. When I was young, I was ignorant, but now my heart is broken. I especially want to give up on myself. I have nightmares every night, and I am afraid to let my family know if I get sick.

You said you were ignorant as a child because you had expectations of your father.

When you were young, you thought that if you were good, you would get praise from your father. Now you know you can't change him or the family situation.

You feel desperate and in pain, right?

I empathize with you. My childhood was similar.

I grew up in a family that valued boys over girls. My father didn't look at me properly. After junior high, he said it was useless for girls to study.

My mother fought for me.

In high school, I was caught up in self-pity, resentment, and anger. I lost my motivation to study and only managed to get into a junior college.

I went to many places while studying part-time at university. As my horizons broadened, I became more peaceful. I have come to understand one truth: my life belongs to me.

It could be your father or someone else.

My life got better and better. The year my daughter was born, my father said he was proud of me.

I was calm when I heard this. I accepted it and gave my father a New Year's greeting.

I want to give up. I have nightmares, I'm afraid to tell my family if I'm sick, and I'm afraid to talk about my worries. My mother and I are tired. We just had a fight. I feel like there's no hope.

I'm sorry for you. Love yourself.

If you're healthy, you'll always have hope. You'll be able to repay your mother and impress your father when you're well.

I love you!

I love you!

Hello. You've chosen a great platform to solve your problems. This is a fantastic idea.

If you meet such a father, you should choose not to be born his child.

There is no encouragement, only suppression. There is no empathy, only blame.

You can't see or understand, only ignore. This is a reality you must face.

.

We cannot choose where we come from. We just met this father, and there is no way to start over. This is a fact.

We can't change the way Dad behaves or approaches things. We know it's hard to change a habit in ourselves, let alone trying to change someone else. This person doesn't feel the need to change, so you can imagine how difficult it is.

You are in this situation, suffering, uncomfortable, tortured, full of fear, and resentful. What do you need to do next to make yourself feel better and more comfortable?

The following suggestions are available to you:

Ignore or disregard. Filter out the irrelevant words and move on.

His comments don't reflect who you really are. You're far better than the amazing person he describes.

We must focus on the positive aspects of the comments from our mothers, teachers, and friends.

Dad's comments are one-sided and not neutral.

It's clear that this carries a very strong personal touch.

As a person who is not very accomplished, he has nothing to criticize.

It is not always easy to ignore or not take comments to heart. At this time, we all communicate with our mothers and spend more time with them to feel their warmth.

I know there are still mothers in this world who love you.

You must cultivate yourself, learn some relevant psychology, and practice positive thinking. This knowledge will guide you to deal with negative emotions properly and understand some of the problems around you.

Sending lots of hugs your way! I'm here to help you feel supported and comforted. I hope my answer can bring you some help.

I know you want your father to recognize and encourage you. You hope he can be less quick-tempered and gentler with you and your mother so you can feel his love and warmth. But in reality, your father is never in a good mood and never listens to other people. When you tell him off, he gets angry, which makes you afraid to express your vulnerability in front of him. You are afraid to let your family know when you are sick and you are afraid to talk about your worries. This makes you feel very sad. It's okay to feel this way.

It's true that our dad's attitude towards us will affect the way we view ourselves, but it doesn't have to be this way. To change, we just need to let go of our expectations of our dad being perfect and accept him as he is. He can't give us what we want if we don't have it in us to ask for it. So, we need to learn to be our own inner parents, giving ourselves the things we crave from our dad. When you are internally fulfilled and self-sufficient, you naturally won't expect your dad to give you these things, and your relationship with him will naturally improve.

So, my dear, I'd like to offer you a bit of advice.

Let's try to let go of our expectations of our fathers being perfect. They're only human, after all! Let's accept them for who they really are. We can accept that they have their limitations, that they can't give us what they don't have. Let's try to understand the reasons for their current behavior.

You say that he is a self-righteous person. I can see how that might be frustrating! When something happens, he likes to put on a very impressive air and point his finger at others.

In other words, if we don't do what he wants, he'll sometimes get a little upset and say some hurtful things. I've heard this kind of thing a lot.

I don't remember him encouraging or praising me much. When I was young, I studied hard to get recognition, but he would just say, "Oh, that's nothing special."

Take a look at how your grandparents treated your father and see if they treated you the same way. It's likely that they did, and that's okay! Your dad is just an ordinary person who was taught a certain way to raise children. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you! It's just that he has a different way of showing it.

And it's important to remember that Dad is the way he is because of his own upbringing, educational background, and living environment over the past few decades. He's comfortable in his own skin and feels safe, so he doesn't really want to change. In particular, when you criticize him, he will definitely defend himself more to protect himself from harm and thus stick to his old ways. In other words, if Dad himself doesn't want to change, there is nothing we can do to change him, because he is the way he is and has his limitations. He is not the way we would like him to be, but that's okay!

So, it's important to let go of our expectations of him and learn to accept him for who he is. When you can truly accept him, you'll find that you won't get angry at him for these actions. You'll understand that this is his pattern, you'll see the reasons behind his actions, and you'll know that he cares about and loves you, even if his way of expressing it is different from what you expect.

2. Learn to be your own inner parent and give yourself all the encouragement, support, warmth, and care you want from your father.

It's totally normal to feel helpless and lose hope when we don't get the affection and support we need from our fathers. But here's the good news: the best way to find hope again is not to keep asking our fathers to change, but to learn to give ourselves what we want.

There's a law in psychology that says when something's missing inside you, you'll look for it outside. But the outside world is a bit up and down. If you didn't get the encouragement and recognition you needed from your dad, it might be time to shift your focus and learn to look within. If you're craving recognition and encouragement, give it to yourself. If you're in need of care, learn to care for yourself. If you're longing for love, learn to love yourself.

When you learn to be your own inner parent, you can soothe your inner child, make him feel safe, feel powerful, and feel hopeful. You can read the books Rebuilding Your Life, Accepting an Imperfect Self, and Embracing Your Inner Child, and you can also learn from Mr. Zhou Fan's self-love course. You can also do related exercises on our platform to become a person who is internally safe, stable, and powerful.

I hope this is helpful for you! Wishing you all the best!