My mom always tells other people bad things about me. If you don't listen to her, she'll gossip about you.

Hello! I'm Yan Shiqi, and I'm thrilled to have this chance to answer your question.

After reading the question, I was so excited to dive in and help! I totally get the anxiety and stress caused by the mother's dominance and control.

First, the questioner has the exciting opportunity to learn how to self-regulate these emotions, anxiety, and stress.

There are so many ways you can make a change! You can try talking about it, doing meditation on your own, doing the things you like and are good at, having your own circle of friends, gaining a sense of accomplishment and self-confidence.

Second, if possible, have a non-violent communication session with your mother. This is a great way to improve the situation!

The key is to focus on the emotions and feelings she brings to you, not on complaining.

For example, I feel hurt, sad, aggrieved, I can't sleep, I'm under a lot of stress, etc.

If the mother can recognize this, it will lead to a slight improvement in the environment and the relationship!

If not, the subject will focus all their energy and attention on themselves, which is a great opportunity to learn and grow!

Embrace your mother and your family! Your mother has a unique personality, and she probably went through some tough times, but you didn't cause that.

The questioner can accept their imperfect self and then go out there and become a better person through their own efforts!

I highly recommend two books to the questioner: The Courage to Be Disliked and Why Family Hurts.

The influence of family on a person is truly profound, especially that of parents.

But if we can't do anything to change them, there's still hope! We can change ourselves, adapt, and be tolerant. When we become different, that environment will be different!

Come on, question owner!

I really hope that helps! That's my answer.

Dear host, After reading your words, I sense a silent cry in your heart: "Mom, you are supposed to be the one in the world who loves me, but I'm not sure why you treat me this way. I'm wondering why you always want to define me and even insult me."

Ideals and reality do often diverge. When you point out where you disagree with your mother, she may respond that you are not being filial and that you have been in school for so long and you are still so emotional.

Despite your feelings of discontent, your emotional state, your awareness of others' perceptions, and your initial reluctance, you are compelled to comply with this particular request.

You may be making things more challenging for yourself than they need to be, but it seems like you're also doing your mother a favor.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether you may have done something wrong. When we don't know what to do, it's natural to feel uncertain about the best way to handle the situation.

This approach is undoubtedly challenging. It can lead to feelings of distress, create difficult circumstances, and cause a sense of being pulled in different directions.

It's possible that you're facing a dilemma: disobeying your mother could result in her speaking ill of you in front of others, while obeying her might lead to you losing your identity and becoming dependent on her. It seems that you're caught between these two options and unsure of how to proceed.

I hope these thoughts might be helpful as a reference.

First, it would be best to avoid falling into the plot that your mother has written. It seems that her plan is to keep scolding you until you do what she wants.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider changing the plot we're writing for ourselves. As an example, I've found it useful to set the plot that I will listen to you only if you are right, and I will let what you say go in one ear and out the other.

I feel that you may be giving me a bit of a hard time in front of other people. I know this is just your opinion and not the real me.

Secondly, it may be helpful to consider adjusting your expectations of your mother's change. It's possible that you have a hope in your heart that one day your mother will respect your ideas and treat you in a way that makes you feel her warmth and love for you.

This may happen, but it also takes some opportunity. Perhaps we shouldn't expect too much from our mothers.

It can be challenging to change other people. Consider this: your mother has been trying to change you for many years, and you're not ready to be changed by her. Perhaps your mother believes this is a way to show her love for you, but she has her limitations.

From a psychological perspective, it's understandable that those who are suffering may be inclined to change. If your mother's behavior is causing you distress, you might consider breaking away from the old pattern or shifting your focus from your mother to other areas of your life, such as friendships with peers or developing your own hobbies.

Third, it would be beneficial to focus on your own personal growth. This can be a long-term goal for us. It is also important to adjust your expectations for change and allow yourself to take things at a comfortable pace.

It's worth noting that sometimes what seems to be fast can actually be slow, and vice versa.

I hope that one day you will be able to hold your own opinions with confidence and do what you want to do. You can also find love that is truly fulfilling.

I empathize with the feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and sadness expressed by the questioner.

However, I would like to reassure you that it is possible to rebuild your confidence. The pessimism and withdrawal that you currently experience in your social interactions can be healed. A great deal of research has been conducted into the influence of the family environment on a person's growth. Some mothers have not had a very good past growth experience themselves, which means that they will bring their poor parenting experience to the next generation.

For example, the book "The Bond of Motherly Love" identifies ten poisonous stings that mothers may unwittingly inflict on their daughters. I will list these stings, but the objective is not to criticize mothers, but to acknowledge that these stings could not be removed in the past, but can be removed through psychological counseling and other healing methods in the modern era.

It is my hope that the original poster will understand the following: what has happened has happened, and there is no way to change history. However, we have the power to change the present and the future.

The ten poisonous thorns are as follows:

1. You find yourself continually striving to gain approval and recognition from your mother, yet you are unable to meet her expectations.

2. Your mother prioritizes appearances over emotional well-being.

3. The mother displays jealousy towards the daughter.

4. Your mother does not provide adequate support for your healthy self-expression, particularly when it conflicts with her own needs or poses a threat to her position.

5. The mother is the primary decision-maker in the home.

6: Your mother demonstrates a lack of compassion.

7. Your mother is unable to regulate her emotions.

8. Your mother is inclined to find fault and blame others.

9. Your mother's relationship with you is that of a friend, rather than that of a daughter.

10: You lack boundaries and privacy in front of your mother.

I believe that the questioner will find these ten characteristics to be particularly resonant after reading them. Furthermore, I hope that the questioner will be able to identify the numerous courageous and adaptable women who have successfully extricated themselves from these challenging situations and have forged new connections with their inner mothers and biological mothers, gradually taking steps towards establishing their own independent lives.

How old are you, and why do you care so much about listening to your mother? What happens if you don't listen to your mother?

As long as I don't listen to her and don't do what she says, she'll quickly find someone nearby (like a shop assistant) to complain about me, insult me, and define me as a bad person of whatever kind, making me feel inferior. Then I'll listen.

Sometimes, even when I'm not around, she'll repeat what I said to her to me, just to make me unhappy. It seems like she has to say something to upset me and make me feel bad. I don't understand why she does this.

This always makes me so sad.

Do you see how this goes in circles?

My mom wants me to listen to her, but I'm afraid that she'll say I don't listen to her. When I don't listen to her, she tells people I'm disobedient, so I have to listen to her and do what she wants. I'm afraid she'll say I'm disobedient...

This way, when your mother wants you to listen to her but you don't, she'll say bad things about you, not just to you but also in front of other people. When other people say you don't know, she'll tell you afterwards, so that you won't be afraid of her and won't listen to her. Then she won't be able to "control" you—you'll have to listen to her.

The key to breaking this pattern is to try not to care what your mother says about you. If you don't care, she won't be able to force you to listen to her by saying "bad things" about you.

At the same time, you can also learn to speak ill of your mother in her presence, in the presence of others, and when she is unaware. You must listen to your mother with "practical actions" and become like her.

I really hope my reply has been helpful, and I'm happy to help further if needed. Best regards!

Hello, I'm Zhiye!

Belittling parenting is actually a very common phenomenon in life, and it's fascinating to see how it plays out in different cultures. It's likely tied to the sense of authority that comes with being a parent in our society.

In life, parents have constructed and maintained a sense of dignity and decency. Once we disobey and do not listen to their arrangements, it becomes a relationship between equals—and it's a great opportunity to learn and grow!

This is a whole new kind of relationship that they're not used to, and it's a bold move that might seem a little unconventional.

Parents are always looking for new ways to maintain their authority, and they've got a few tricks up their sleeves!

Growing up in this environment, we have the incredible opportunity to develop a self-deprecating, ingratiating, low self-esteem personality. We can choose to be afraid to talk about love, afraid that others will not like us in interpersonal interactions, and constantly self-doubting. The original poster can try some of the following suggestions:

The way parents behave is the result of years of deep-rooted habits, and there is a high probability that we cannot change them. But guess what? We can lower our expectations of our parents and see the desires behind their actions!

Parents who like to negate their children are missing out on the amazing opportunity to love! They may not know how to express their love, but that doesn't mean they don't love their children. They just need to learn how to love themselves. If they haven't been loved, they can start by learning to love themselves. Then, they'll be ready to love their children in the way they deserve!

The reason we feel aggrieved and our emotions become agitated is essentially that we long for our parents' understanding and praise. But here's the good news: if we lower these expectations, we will not care so much when our parents belittle us.

Let's make the most of our time at school by studying hard, taking part in activities, and generally working to become the best we can be!

Studying can enhance our spiritual content and shape our own value judgments and standards. And the best part is, we can judge whether we are excellent or not based on our own value system, not on a few words from others!

It doesn't matter whether our parents understand it or not, we absolutely must be the masters of our own lives! In this world, only we ourselves are qualified to decide our own lives. No one else is qualified, not even your parents!

Make more friends and seek emotional support from them to counteract your parents' belittling. It's a great idea!

A friend's positive comments may seem insignificant, but a group of friends' positive comments can add up to an incredible force that can help the poster fight against her parents and minimize the impact of their belittling comments.

I'm excited to see what the future holds for the poster! I hope that he will soon resolve his own troubles, break free from the shackles of his family, and achieve acceptance of himself.

Hello, dear host. I can see from your description that you're in a lot of pain and feel helpless. I hope the following suggestions will be helpful to you.

First, your mom has her own emotions, and you have yours, too!

I'm not sure how old the original poster is, but it seems like her mother still treats her like a child and lets her know how she feels.

It's so sad when the mother of the host has no way to get her own happiness. She can't treat the host equally and with respect in daily life, but instead gains happiness by denying the host's feelings and emotions and suppressing and controlling the host.

It's so sad when the host is in pain and feels helpless. This only makes the other person more convinced that they're right. If the host wants to be free of this control, she needs to allow herself to feel differently.

If she's feeling down, I'm happy to cheer her up! I'd like to stop her from putting me down by saying, "I can work out specific things with you, but you can't attack me personally."

Otherwise, it might be best to just take a little break from talking until you can face the facts.

I really think that if you can draw a clear emotional line between you, it'll help you a lot.

Secondly, my mother has her own ideas, and I have mine too!

We're all individuals with our own unique preferences and opinions. It's totally normal to have different views on the same topic!

My mother is a sweetheart, but she grew up in a different era and was treated the same way by her own parents. She has never experienced any other way.

If the host feels that this method is not appropriate, then you must be firm in your thoughts and clearly tell the other person, "I feel hurt when you speak ill of me to others and mock me in front of me without regard for my feelings. I'd prefer you didn't do that." "If there's something about me you're not happy with, please point it out. You think I'm unfilial, but that's your opinion. I don't think that way, and my thoughts are different from yours."

This is a great way to distinguish between your thoughts.

And finally, learn to be equal, respectful, and accepting.

Parents are not chosen; they are a fate that befalls each of us at birth. But the good news is that we can still choose our destiny!

The host has come to understand the pain they have caused themselves because of their character flaws.

Then you need to know what a healthy relationship is. A healthy relationship is one that is equal, respectful, emotionally natural, and accepts each other for who they really are.

With this awareness, you can change the way you view relationships. I promise you, you will find what you are looking for!

First, learn to fully accept yourself with equality, respect, and acceptance. You're doing great! Accept yourself now for having had such a painful experience, for having had a mother who often crossed the line. It's not your fault. In the past, you didn't know how to protect yourself, but now you do. You also have a responsibility and an obligation to protect your own physical and mental health.

I accept myself just the way I am, with all my strengths and weaknesses, and I love myself completely.

My dear landlord, you are a one-of-a-kind person. It's as if fate has written a special script for you. If you can just discover and break away from it, you'll learn to take control of your own destiny.

And then, you'll feel more mature, sure of yourself, and confident!

Everyone has the potential to be a beacon of light. Whether you ask a question or answer one, your words can help to guide and support many people. This is our shared energy.

Hello, I'm Xin Tan coach Fei Yun. I can really relate to how you feel. Being constantly criticized, rejected, and blamed by your mother makes you feel aggrieved, angry, and even resentful. You want to escape, but you can't break free from her "control" over you.

Let's tackle this together, starting with a warm hug.

1. "The Bond of Maternal Love": Maternal love can also be toxic.

Some parents love their kids, but they don't always know how to show it. This can cause invisible harm.

She's just like the mother in the movie "Spring Tide," starring actress Hao Lei. She cares about, worries about, and takes care of her daughter, helps her with the children, and worries about finding her a husband.

But the language was harsh, often derogatory, and even the most vicious words were used to curse her daughter. For decades, the daughter has rebelled against her mother, and this pattern of interaction has ultimately hurt both of them.

We all want praise and recognition from others, especially our parents. You're right to be concerned about how your future relationships will turn out, given how much of an impact your original family has on you.

Use your mother as a tool for your life practice, and be grateful that you've come to the Yixinli platform to seek help. There are so many opportunities to learn and grow here. You've got the power to make things happen.

Use your relationship with your mother to identify your own patterns and learn to change them. This will help you prepare for your marriage, family, intimate relationships, and parent-child relationships in advance.

Instead of dwelling on the situation, it's more productive to focus on the present and future and consider how to improve things going forward.

2. Try to keep your own issues separate from those of your mother.

It might help to think about things like your mother's upbringing, the historical context, her marital status, and so on, to try to understand her better.

Is she also struggling with her own issues but doesn't know how to manage and control her emotions? She treats you as a "weak person" to "bully" and release her own emotions by blaming, complaining, and belittling you.

The behavior is not ideal, but at least we know her motive for doing it, which is just to make her life easier. With a little understanding, you can free yourself from your mother's negative energy and not be influenced by her.

You have the right to choose your life, and you always have the power to change your circumstances. There's no need to worry about the influence of others.

As with "You Should Fly Like a Bird to Your Mountain," this is a personal account of the author Tara, who managed to rewrite her life story through learning and enjoyed the benefits of her own life's excitement and various riches.

"Transcending the Original Family" is down to us. Be your own "significant other" and give yourself the psychological boost you need. You're the one who decides your value and you're in control of your life.

I hope this is helpful to you, and I wish you all the best.

If you want to keep talking, just click "Find a coach" in the top right corner or at the bottom. I'll keep in touch and we can work together one-on-one.

Greetings,

I was profoundly affected by your written account, which conveyed a sense of awakened consciousness, gentleness, and tolerance towards others.

Life can be likened to a state of surveillance. It is possible to mature in an optimal manner and to develop a keen awareness. I would like to commend you for your efforts.

The mother in question displays a lack of strength in her maternal role, yet exerts a dominant influence over her child.

It is not our intention to suggest that life should develop in a manner akin to a fairy tale. Our sole request is that she refrain from speaking so much.

However, her instinct is to fear losing control over the hierarchical relationship between parent and child.

Therefore, she is compelled to exert external pressure on her child to comply. She presents the image of a dutiful son and virtuous grandchildren as the result of strict disciplinary measures.

This serves to reinforce her position and strength.

What kind of mentality is it to espouse the view that children are unfilial? How weak is that heart?

It is possible for any mother to be kind and compassionate; however, the influence of a woman's upbringing, her surroundings, and her personality can result in the loss of this natural ability to be important to their children. This can lead to the development of emotional exhaustion in children, which is driven by a desire to save face.

2. Overcome the obstacles and proceed with resolution.

Firsthand evaluations are typically provided by one's parents. It is natural for individuals to care about how their parents perceive them.

What is the true meaning of filial piety in the context of moral philosophy?

The gentleman's way is to achieve a state of harmony while maintaining a sense of individuality.

If she does not permit you to diverge from her expectations, it appears that she is unaware of the necessity for personal fortitude in response to the demands of the present era and the intrinsic value of traditional culture.

It is unlikely that your mother will be involved in directing all of your future studies and work.

For example, you have done an admirable job of articulating the conflicting emotions you are experiencing. It is important to choose to see the problem, identify ways to relieve the pressure, and find a more effective solution.

Do not abandon your aspirations for a superior quality of life.

You are entitled to a better quality of life.

In the future, should you experience difficulties in forming relationships with the opposite sex, it would be understandable to perceive this as a potential consequence of your mother's influence. However, it is important to recognise that you have the autonomy to navigate these challenges in a way that aligns with your personal values and preferences.

It is not the case that one goes on a blind date because one's mother is nagging one to get married and provide her with an answer. Rather, one finds like-minded individuals in one's circle of friends.

If the influence of one's family of origin results in feelings of inferiority and inadequacy when interacting with others, this is also a process that is in line with psychological development. It is important to identify these feelings, reflect on them, become self-aware, gradually reduce self-criticism and self-attack, and actively listen to feedback from others in the relationship.

In the eyes of an individual who genuinely holds you in high regard, your perception of yourself is likely to diverge significantly from that of your mother.

It is not my intention to compel you to exhibit complete confidence in other relationships at this time. However, it is my hope to inform you that there are always individuals in this world who are capable of recognizing and appreciating your inherent goodness. You are, in fact, an angel.