My mother is in her seventies, and I'm afraid of what will happen if she cries in front of me. What should I do?

Hello, my dear friends!

You are capable of taking care of yourself, my friend.

Your mom is responsible for her own emotions, sweetheart.

Filial piety is something we should all do. At the same time, it's important to remember that there's a right distance and approach to filial piety.

Confucius told a story when he was lecturing his students.

If your father hits you, it's important to accept it with respect.

Your father is already very angry and may lose his temper and hit you. It's best to leave. Your personal safety is at stake, and your father may have very serious consequences if he loses his temper. Your father will also regret it, and your personal safety is not guaranteed.

This is what it all means, so you should leave. In fact, if you leave at this time, it will be good for both your father and yourself.

This is roughly what the story is trying to tell us. If you have to take on your mother's emotional garbage,

When you're at your wit's end, you choose to leave. It's a responsible thing to do, both for your mother and for yourself.

When you reach your limit and things get tough, it's hard to know what you'll do in that moment. It's probably best to give yourself some space for now.

I know it can be tough, but how can we take care of our parents' health? We can and should still visit them when it's time to do so. Do what you can, and don't worry about the rest!

You take care of your father and mother when you take care of your own emotions, my dear.

It's so important to set clear boundaries in your interactions with your mother. If she says or does something you don't feel comfortable with, or if she's in an emotional state, it's okay to step away.

This shows that you're setting your own limits and that's a great thing!

After a few times of kindly but firmly insisting on your boundaries, your mother will understand where they lie and will respect them.

Your mom will still take care of you and do what she needs to do. This way, she'll know you're still a great kid, but you'll also be able to set clear boundaries.

Thank you for your question. I hope that my suggestions will be of assistance to you.

From your description, it is evident that this is a developmental stage that every child must navigate, namely learning to detach from their parents' emotions and exert control over their own.

This is a challenging topic, and not everyone may be able to achieve proficiency in a short period of time. It is essential to allocate sufficient time and space, as well as demonstrate patience, to facilitate the necessary adjustments.

The crux of the issue lies in the stressors associated with navigating our relationships with our parents. During our formative years, we internalized a significant portion of our parents' emotional states and behaviors, often aligning our actions with their moods. This established a pattern, or even a sense of apprehension. If we deviated from this approach, we faced potential disciplinary actions, including scolding or even physical abuse. Consequently, we became conditioned to acquiesce to our parents' demands, a tendency that persisted into adulthood. This manifested in our approach to problem-solving and interactions with our parents. When our parents exhibited certain expressions or emotions, we unconsciously sought to accommodate them, similar to our childhood tendencies. Alternatively, we might have been intimidated and uncertain about how to respond.

It is essential to gain clarity on our own feelings, thoughts, and demands. This will enable us to build courage and learn to assert ourselves and express our feelings in a reasonable and tactful manner, even when dealing with our parents.

It is important to recognise that this process will undoubtedly present challenges. It is often the case that mothers are unable to alter their behaviour, and therefore it is up to us to make the necessary adjustments. This can be a more difficult task.

At a certain level, it may be necessary to focus more on our own physical and mental health, regulate our emotional state in a timely manner, and, as long as we do not compromise our ability to make decisions, we should be able to adjust. If we are unable to do so, we can also satisfy our parents' feelings, but we must understand where the line is drawn. The line is not negotiable. We can reduce our own grievances and frustration as much as possible.

It is my hope that through self-reflection and exploration, I will be able to identify a parenting style that aligns with my needs and preferences at various stages of my life.

I would like to take this opportunity to express my gratitude to the world and to my loved ones.

Hello!

Thanks for the invite and trust!

My mother is in her seventies and I'm afraid she'll cry in front of me. What should I do?

A mother and daughter's relationship affects the daughter's future growth. The mother is the first female role the child recognizes after birth. A healthy attachment helps the daughter develop her self-identity.

Most parents haven't been taught about the importance of family relationships. They have their own ideas about how things should be. This can cause problems.

If a mother doesn't know how to be a good mother, she will try to get along with her daughter according to her own expectations. When these expectations are not met, the mother will develop negative emotions.

If you understand this, you'll see that your mother's complaints aren't your fault. They're her problem, not yours.

How should I handle the "terror" my mother brings?

The method is simple: each person does their own job without interfering with the other. This means taking responsibility for yourself without imposing it on others.

If I feel terror when I face my mother's accusations, it shows I expect her to be a certain way and hope she'll treat me according to my ideal role.

My mother is not as kind as I thought. I feel pain because I can't give her love or see her love me.

If you accept your mother for who she is, you won't feel the need to change her or yourself. When both sides accept the real self, negative feelings will decrease and you'll be able to get along better.

The mother is in her seventies and set in her ways. She will stick to her views, but this is her ideal. The daughter doesn't have to deny her own feelings because of her mother's stubborn ideas. She can recognize her feelings and her mother's emotional handling method, and find a way to get along.

The stubborn old man is used to denying the child's efforts. As a child, you don't have to be penny-pinching, but you can choose to recognize your own efforts first, and then respond flexibly.

"You're the most useless one..." (the old man)

"Why are you so angry? It's not good for you. Daughters take after their mothers."

"Do you want that?" (daughter)

"Why don't you make as much as everyone else?"

"I want to know, but this is good. I'm satisfied." (Daughter maintains her independence.)

To get rid of your mother's negative emotions, you must first accept the feelings of guilt caused by her will. This is how you can maintain your independence. When you face your guilt, you can restore your relationship with her and your self-development won't be affected by her negative emotions.

Above

I hope this helps.

Best,

From what you've said, it seems like you're acting as a kind of psychological container for your mother. It seems like she's projecting a lot of difficult emotions onto you.

It's like it's only your problem and has nothing to do with her.

From childhood to adulthood, she's always given me the cold shoulder, criticized and blamed me, and mocked and humiliated me, which has caused me a lot of harm and distress. Your mother may have been trying to avoid dealing with her own emotions by giving you the cold shoulder, mocking and humiliating you, and criticizing and blaming you. You were forced to experience feeling powerless, sad and aggrieved, and even angry and disgusted.

It's likely that your mother doesn't want to experience feelings of powerlessness. In other words, you're dealing with emotions that your mother is avoiding.

It's possible that you might feel resentment, sadness, anger, or disgust when your mother treats you this way and uses you in this way. It's also possible that these feelings are inherited from your mother because this may also have been her emotional response when dealing with your grandmother.

Just to be clear, the above assumptions are only speculations. The aim is to help us better understand ourselves.

We're not suggesting you take these speculations back and argue with your parents. That's not how you grow up. And that's not what we had in mind when we made these analyses and speculations.

I hope everyone can take a look and see if these ideas fit with what they've experienced.

We hope that through such discussions, people can start to think about themselves and their situation, and start to understand themselves better. At the same time, we must also be aware that neither such questions and answers nor my observations and reflections can replace psychological counseling.

It's like we can't operate on ourselves with just the instructions. Surgery requires a lot of professional environment and knowledge. If you want to explore yourself further and get rid of your pain, you still need to work with a competent counselor in a professional framework.

I wish you all the best in your personal and professional life!

Dear friend,

I'm so grateful for your invitation!

It's so sad to think that every time you faced your mother's tears and unpleasant expressions, despite your wish to get along well with her, your heart was filled with discomfort. It seems to express two conflicting wishes, doesn't it?

You want to get along with your mother and take good care of her. But deep down, you also want to be loved and treated kindly by her. You don't want her to be cold and sarcastic with you, like she was when you were a child.

It's totally normal to want to take care of your mom as an adult. It's also totally normal to feel regret about your childhood. You might even feel like you want your mom to recognize and accept you, and to love you and be intimate with you.

But the part of you that is close to your mother is hurt, sad, angry, and also disappointed. This part of your feelings includes feelings of rejection and condemnation of your mother, which is totally understandable!

Your heart has been hurt, sweetheart. Your mother always treated you like emotional trash, and you have accumulated a lot of emotions as a result. This part of the emotion expresses the fact that you don't want to get close to your mother because she always makes you feel hurt and angry.

On the one hand, you have this deep desire to get close to your mother and make up for the intimacy you never got. On the other hand, there are these feelings of hurt and anger that just won't go away. Every time you see your mother in a bad mood, those feelings of hurt and anger just bubble up inside you, pushing you away from your mother and preventing you from getting close. It's a real dilemma, isn't it? The desire to get close but the inability to do so is because getting close always means getting hurt.

You really saw that the sadness in your heart came from seeing your mom's bad mood. You also saw the deeper reason: when you were little, your mom always treated you like you were emotional trash. You were always the kid who had to take on your mom's bad mood. It's so meaningful to be able to see this connection!

It's so helpful to be able to see the cause and effect of things, isn't it? It gives you the power to make new choices!

Your mother may never change, but you can change how you respond to her. When you face your mother and feel uncomfortable inside, how do you choose to respond? Do you choose to bear it helplessly and wrong yourself, as you did when you were a child? Or do you express your hurt honestly, refusing to be your mother's emotional trash anymore? When faced with your own inner discomfort, do you habitually suppress and ignore it, or do you pay more attention to understanding yourself and learning to express yourself more powerfully?

You see the pain left over from past events, and you also see that because of this pain, you still find it difficult and uncomfortable to deal with your relationship with your mother. It's like an old case that has been sitting there for many years. I know it's hard, but try to remember that you are no longer the person you were back then.

I know it's not easy, but try to take that child who suffered so much back then and take on the challenge once again to turn over this old case in the way you want. You can do it!

Inside you, support the child who feels aggrieved, understand her grievances, hurt and anger; make up for the love she lacks; take care of the inner wounds; on the other hand, face your mother as a brand new person. It doesn't have to be expressed directly, but you can have a different aura inside when you face your mother: "Mom, I'm willing to understand your limitations and accept your past imperfections; I'm also willing to take good care of you for the rest of your life; but I won't be your emotional trash can anymore; you can have your emotions, but I won't take them anymore, as if it's my fault that you have emotions; if you lose your temper again, I will protect myself;

When you have a different stance within and you protect yourself more, you'll feel a new strength when facing your mother's tears and bad temper. It's the same mother, but you're different now!

You're not as easily affected by your mom's moods anymore. You're feeling more stable and stronger. Maybe your mom is feeling the same way, and your relationship with her is changing in a good way.

Even if nothing changes, you may find that you don't care as much.

I really hope this helps! I'm listening, therapist Xu Yanlian, so please feel free to chat.

Wishing you all the best!

Good morning, I am Qu Huidong, and I would like to thank you for the opportunity to respond to your question.

The questioner seeks guidance on how to improve her comfort level with her mother without resorting to fundamental changes in her approach. A child who has been exposed to her mother's negative attitudes since childhood, despite having reached adulthood, experiences a sense of powerlessness in every interaction with her mother. Each encounter is either emotionally challenging or chaotic, making it difficult to maintain a positive outlook.

It is important to recognize that attempting to change our mothers is futile. Even if they are no longer alive, the negative aspects of the mother-daughter relationship will still influence us. To break free from the limitations of the mother-daughter dynamic, it is essential to rebuild our self-perception.

It is worth noting that we frequently find ourselves reacting to her actions in ways that perpetuate the cycle. Despite our efforts to limit her influence, we often find ourselves seeking to satisfy her desires, such as maintaining weekly phone calls, visiting her hometown monthly, and organizing reunions during holidays. It is important to question whether these seemingly "filial" actions are truly satisfying for all parties involved.

If we are unable to block out her emotions, we must construct a mental barrier and consciously refrain from relating to her output. It is crucial to understand that she has always lived in her own system of perception and language. While it may seem that she manipulates her child, she is, in fact, manipulating herself. She is attempting to position herself as the "winner in life," which prevents her from living a down-to-earth, authentic life.

A narcissistic mother will impede her daughter's growth and development. It is essential to recognize and accept our individuality and autonomy, and to acknowledge our own needs, desires, thoughts, and emotions. It is crucial to understand that we are often the targets of our narcissistic mother's projection behavior, which involves externalizing her own unresolved issues and self-hatred onto us.

Projection occurs when there is a mirror to catch the negative aspects of the individual in question. Turning your back or finding physical separation will effectively block the occurrence of projection.

Maintaining your own psychological boundaries will ensure a sense of comfort. This requires a certain amount of practice and restraint, but it is important not to respond to her in a hostile way. It is essential to maintain boundaries for your own needs and feelings. Narcissistic mothers are adept at making us feel guilty, so maintaining your own boundaries is a significant challenge. If the conditions are present, it is advisable to seek psychological counseling to enhance your sense of independence and self-confidence. Additionally, it is crucial to practice and remind yourself throughout your life that:

Ultimately, only you can facilitate your own healing. When we find that we no longer have so many expectations of her, our reactions to her projections are not so strong, and she can no longer easily provoke your pain, then we are not far from complete independence. Your success is determined by the situation of your own inner healing.

Best regards,

Hello, question asker.

Your mother's tears and suffering put you under a lot of pressure and make you feel bound.

The mother is, in fact, emotionally blackmailing you by complaining.

If you are bad and wrong, you have no use to anyone.

This is an attack and a denial of you.

Think about it. When we ask to be useful, we are asking to be of value.

A mother's love for her children requires usefulness. This means she does not accept you unconditionally or love you unconditionally. She loves you with conditions.

You only love me if you are useful and obey.

This makes you feel like your sense of worthiness is all about satisfying your mother's needs. You become her accessory.

This is unfair to you.

I want you to imagine if you were kidnapped. What would you do?

Call the police and let them take the robber away.

You can run away.

You can fight with the kidnappers.

When faced with your mother's emotional blackmail, it's clear you've entered another mode of reaction to difficulties: dissociation. You're frozen, unsure of what to do, resisting, or running away.

If you feel uncomfortable, keep your distance. Otherwise, you'll still be affected. You can provide financial support and care.

Hire a babysitter.

She needs to face her own emotional distress and work through it. She can't transfer her inability to solve it to you and say you are useless. You need to set clear boundaries.

If she doesn't change, you will still be exploited. It's up to you to choose.

You've got this!