My mother is very dominant. How can I get along with her and live with a sense of boundaries?

All individuals possess the capacity to serve as a source of illumination. Whether posing inquiries or offering responses, verbal communication has the potential to illuminate the hearts of many people, and this is a power that we all share.

Greetings. I am a heart exploration coach. I can fully empathize with your situation. On the one hand, you can perceive your mother's love and protection, yet on the other hand, you aspire to achieve independence and autonomy in your own life.

You wish to demonstrate your filial piety to your mother, yet you do not desire her to persist in exerting control over your life. This presents a quandary.

In this section, we will examine the issues that have been raised by the individual who has identified as "Hug from a Distance."

?1. The love of parents for their children's "control" engenders pressure and resistance.

As previously stated, from childhood to adulthood, your mother has consistently pursued her own arrangements and plans for you. This behavior may have originated from a place of love, but it is a "one-sided" form of love that your mother has for you, and it is not something you are willing to fully accept.

In contrast, a pattern of manipulation and being manipulated can be observed in the relationship between the subject and their mother.

It is not uncommon for parents to exert control over their children under the guise of "doing what's best for them" or "loving them." However, despite their parental role, children and parents are fundamentally equal individuals who deserve trust and respect.

Manipulation can be defined as the act of taking one's own goals and attempting to influence another individual to act in accordance with those goals, as though the other person is a puppet and the manipulator is controlling the puppet's movements.

The practice of manipulation can result in a depletion of one's personal energy. From a subjective perspective, the love of a mother can often manifest as a form of pressure and suffocation, with minimal space for independent thought and action. This can create a perception of being controlled by the mother in matters of life and death, akin to having a remote control firmly in her hands.

2. Modifying one's own behavior can facilitate changes in the relationship through the process of interaction.

One possible method for disrupting this pattern is to transform the concept of "control" into a more communicative approach.

The formation of relationships between people is contingent upon interactions. The aforementioned individual has been exerting a controlling influence over you since you were in a state of dependency.

During one's formative years, the capacity to reason and evaluate is limited. Consequently, it is instinctive to adhere to one's mother's directives. However, as an adult, one possesses the cognitive abilities to make independent decisions and accept the consequences. The arrangements and guidance provided during one's upbringing are perceived as a form of control.

In the absence of a sense of independence and autonomy, it is only to be expected that a certain emotional response will ensue: resentment, dissatisfaction, anger, and rebellion. It is therefore important to become aware of one's emotions and the underlying unmet needs.

It is not possible to change others; however, it is possible to change oneself. When one changes oneself, the other person will naturally have to make some changes in order to adapt to the changes made by the first person.

It is essential to communicate with one's mother in a sincere manner, articulating one's views and feelings directly. This enables her to perceive that you have matured and are capable of resolving issues independently. Concurrently, it is vital to listen attentively to her thoughts and feelings. Your communication should be characterised by emotional openness and the pursuit of consensus.

The mother's need for control may also be driven by an underlying unmet need. This could be the reason why she is reluctant to relinquish her control over you, as she may still be concerned about your wellbeing and experience various insecurities.

It is important to meet the other person's needs within the limits of each other's abilities. For example, a mother may be inclined to provide assistance, but she can only offer advice and assistance when it is truly needed.

For example, one can alleviate one's mother's concerns and distress by providing her with updates on one's circumstances.

The book "How Others Treat You Is What You Teach Them" addresses the concept of universal patterns, which can be defined as the established norms and behaviors that facilitate harmonious interactions within social contexts.

Maturity and growth are contingent upon the mother's trust and the dissolution of the mother-daughter relationship. Each party bears responsibility for their own actions and the completion of their life tasks.

It is my hope to provide you with a new perspective, to reveal the greater truth in things, to afford you a greater range of choices, and to express my love for you and the world.

Should you wish to pursue this discussion further, you are invited to click on the link entitled "Find a Coach," which you will find in the upper right-hand corner or at the bottom of the page. I will then be in touch to continue our dialogue on an individual basis.

Hello, Anna! This is Zeyu.

It's great that you've already identified the issues with your relationship with your mother. I can really sense from your words that you're highly motivated to make a change, and I think you're ready to take action!

Let's get back to the topic at hand. In your description, you mentioned that "my mother is very strong, and from childhood to adulthood, I had to listen to her no matter what. Even if I didn't listen, after I had finished something, she would still point out what I did according to her standards." From this, it's clear to see the strength and control of "my mother."

Embrace the change! At the beginning of this exciting journey, it's essential to accept "mother" as she is. Acknowledge and embrace her unique self, and accept that she cannot be forced to change. Accepting reality also means letting go of the idea that we can change her.

In a relationship, one party's initiative to change will drive the other party's change, and we will be driven to change by the other party's change. This process requires us to be patient and not rush things, so as not to provoke the other party's insecurity. But it's worth it!

In this process, both sides are adapting and repositioning themselves, so there will be various problems. However, this is a normal phenomenon, and we don't have to worry too much about guilt—it's all part of the journey!

We can start with small things first, like things our mothers don't think we can do. Then, we can gradually increase our sense of control and certainty. This process also helps us build confidence, which is great for taking further action!

Now for the fun part! We're going to dive into the topic of "sense of boundaries." Boundaries are all about making sure that your things are yours, my things are mine, and I don't need you to get too involved in my things. By establishing these boundaries, you'll be well on your way to achieving independence from control.

In the process, we can also take stock of ourselves, be clear about what we want to experience, and what the purpose of setting boundaries is. It's a great opportunity to see what progress we have already made and what areas we are going to work on next!

An action plan is a great way to supercharge your motivation and belief in action! It's a simple yet effective tool that lets you list all the important events in life you want to experience, as well as other content, and then act on them in order of time and priority.

The text mentions that "there are so many things I still want to experience! My understanding of many things is completely different from my mother's." Indeed, no two leaves in the world are exactly the same, and this is especially true of people. Therefore, this also reflects the incredible value and significance of our efforts to change!

Change doesn't happen overnight. It might be linear or even a little winding, but it all starts from this very moment!

Well, it's almost time to say goodbye here. Finally, I wish Anna all the best and I'm excited to see what the future holds for her!

P.S. Due to space constraints, I'm not able to list all the views in detail. If there's anything I've missed, please let me know! Thanks so much for reading.

I can totally relate to how stressful it can be to have a strong-willed mother! It's a kind of self-expansion of love, and she truly believes this is the best kind of love for you.

From the moment you are born, your life is already mapped out for you. When you are young, it may seem very comfortable, and you can get through life smoothly without having to think about anything. But as you grow up, every step you take is mapped out for you. Whenever you make your own choices, you will be criticized, and the reverse thinking will make you shrink back, resulting in a complete inability to make your own decisions. You can hear your mother's voice giving you advice in both your relationships and your career.

Of course, you can't say that she doesn't love you. This kind of love is just a matter of perspective. It's impossible to change your mother, because long-term habits will make it difficult for her to realize. But you can change the situation! Start by changing yourself.

First of all, you have to understand whether each event is the result you want. For example, if you rely on your mother for financial support, and if this kind of life does not feel like what you want, then this kind of life is like going back to your school days. When you were at school, you listened to your parents' arrangements for many things, so now that you are at home, you have the chance to make your own decisions!

Second, even if you live away from your parents, do you report everything to them? For many things, do you still ask your parents for their opinion when you encounter them? If so, you either choose not to ask and make your own decision, or you choose to ask and take on the advice they give you.

In the end, you should have a life of your own! A life of your own means that you can make decisions for your future life. Because your mother cannot accompany you until old age, you will ultimately face everything in life alone. And when you are responsible for your own decisions, you will find a sense of value in yourself, and then your life will become meaningful!

I'm Jiujiu, a national second-level psychological counselor. I can't hold back the wind that wants to go, nor can I hold the whole sky. But I can stay by your side and help you find the sunshine that belongs to you!

Hello. I can see that you want to be independent and be your own person, but you also rely on your mother. You often choose to listen to your mother's ideas, but you feel that listening to her has not given you an advantage. So now you feel that you should listen to yourself. You should listen to your own ideas.

From your description, it's clear you want to live your life according to your own ideas, and that's something to be proud of. You also want your mother's approval and understanding so you feel supported.

She understands your feelings now. With continuous hard work and learning, you will be able to live your life as you wish.

I will analyze and provide advice on the following points:

1. Your mother is strong-willed and has caused you trouble in the past. If you didn't do what she wanted, she nagged you. Now we are adults. We need to take care of ourselves.

You need to make your mother feel that you are capable of making your own decisions. The first thing you need to do is become financially independent. Find a job that suits you and that provides a certain income so that you can be responsible for your own expenses.

Second, at work, you must constantly strive to learn and grow, be able to communicate and discuss with your workmates, and gradually improve yourself. Third, in the work environment, if you encounter interpersonal problems or have different opinions with your colleagues or leaders on problem solving, you must communicate and learn to express your thoughts.

Practice this with yourself at work and you will learn to be yourself.

2. Mom wants you to listen to her. She thinks she knows better because she's been around longer. But you're an adult now, and you have your own ideas. So you need to have an in-depth conversation with her so she understands your feelings and emotions, and then you need to reach a consensus. Furthermore, you need to express your gratitude to your mom for her companionship and silent support over the years.

3. In the past, we were more willing to listen to the opinions of our elders because we were not capable of taking responsibility. We also asked our elders what to do when we didn't know what to do. We are willing to believe that the prepared words or opinions are correct, but we need to know whether they are suitable for ourselves. We also need to know whether our ideas are correct when we listen to our own opinions.

Listen to your parents or listen to yourself—either way, you must take responsibility for the results. When you take responsibility, you'll be more careful when facing problems and choices. You'll also be more serious in the process.

I support you in doing whatever you want to do on your own terms and doing your best. This way, you will gain more and you will not blame yourself if you don't get the results you want.

4. During this period of time at home, take on household chores, help your mother cook or sweep, and do simple things. These tasks will help you become a responsible person and learn to be independent. If you do these things well, your mother will see that you have grown up. She will also respect you as you change.

I am confident that my answer is helpful. I wish you all the best and encourage you to keep up the good work.

Greetings, question asker. My name is Su Chenyu, and I am a third-level psychological counselor.

It seems that the questioner has consistently adhered to her mother's directives and has been significantly influenced by her mother over time, while also receiving considerable support from her mother. A robust mother has the benefit of a robust mother. There is no obligation to assume responsibility for our own decisions, and we have the support of another individual.

Your mother has a strong bond with you, yet you desire to embark on your own journey. It is essential to recognize that we are unique individuals, shaped by our own experiences and perspectives. Your awareness of this distinction is commendable.

This phenomenon is referred to in psychological literature as "mutual subjectivity."

In the early years of life, the mother often serves as the primary source of emotional and practical support, creating an environment where the child is free to express themselves, act according to their own desires, and learn from mistakes. This process of exploration and adaptation enables the child to develop the capacity to judge, make decisions, and navigate various challenges independently.

However, your mother has not provided you with the opportunity to develop your own identity and make your own decisions. Instead, she has been the primary decision-maker and has directly provided you with the outcomes. Consequently, you have gradually lost the capacity to make your own decisions, which has led to your current situation where your mother is the primary decision-maker.

This is undoubtedly how your mother loves you. Her original intention is to prevent you from deviating from the correct course of action and to ensure that you always follow the right path. However, as a result of this uncomplicated maternal love, you have lost the capacity to make decisions.

A mother's wishes cannot alter the facts of reality. It is inevitable that everyone will encounter setbacks, and it is necessary to navigate these challenges. The timing of these setbacks is of little consequence. Learning to confront setbacks is a crucial aspect of personal growth and development.

2. Effective parenting entails the ability to discern when it is appropriate to establish boundaries between parent and child.

It is possible that, at the subconscious level, you and your mother still experience separation anxiety. Given that your mother is unable to live without you, it is understandable that you are unable to live without her.

The mother is excessively involved in the subject's life, including the making of decisions on the subject's behalf, the evaluation of the subject's decisions, and the subject's willingness to heed the mother's counsel. Furthermore, the subject is financially dependent on the mother.

Mothers and daughters are different individuals. In order to establish independence and break the cycle of dependence, it is recommended to first take steps towards living independently and moving out of the family home. This can be achieved by gradually becoming independent in terms of physical space and the little things in daily life, thereby cutting off the habit of dependence. Secondly, it is essential to attain financial independence, as this forms the foundation of autonomous living and is a crucial element in achieving separation. Finally, psychological separation can be achieved.

If one is unable to do so, the mother may conclude that the child is not yet mature enough to manage independently and may therefore seek to provide guidance and support.

The question of whether a mother is strong or not is ultimately a personal issue for her to address.

A mother who is strong may lack understanding of the role she has chosen, may disagree with her own criteria for choosing a spouse, or may disagree with her own life philosophy, among other things. There is no need for competition with one's mother. As long as one follows one's own ideas and lives one's life well, that is sufficient. With regard to the opinions of one's mother, one may choose to ignore them entirely.

It is important to exercise one's own subjectivity. When we make a slight alteration, the momentum of the mother may also change. Regardless of how strong the parents are, they are no match for their children. One day, we can all surpass them. It is advisable to start with the small decisions that can be made.

I extend my best wishes to the original poster and hope that she will be able to make her own decisions in life.

Hello, I'm reaching out to you today because I have a question.

From what you've said, it seems like your mother is very controlling. She wants you to do things her way and is always trying to hug you from afar.

From what you've said, it seems like the questioner has realized that she's been living under her mother's control without any choice of her own. If she keeps living her life according to her mother's wishes, she'll be living for her mother rather than for herself. If she's not very assertive and hopes that her mother will make decisions for her, it's a sign that she doesn't want to grow up and take responsibility for her own actions.

As we grow up, we have to learn to become independent, take responsibility for ourselves, have our own opinions and principles, distinguish between our mother's ideas and our own, set good boundaries for each other, and be firm in our choices and decisions. We can also refuse and argue with our mothers when they try to control us, and communicate with them about this matter without emotion. Learning to judge independently and take responsibility for our own affairs is something we must learn in the process of growing up.

For the rest of your life, no matter what decision you make, you need to understand that it's your decision, not anyone else's. Despite your mother's influence, you need to have your own thoughts and opinions, take responsibility for your choices, and realize that you're living your own life, not your mother's. Seeing your current situation can lead to changes. You can learn some psychology, strengthen your principles and boundaries, and seek professional counseling. You can view yourself and your problems through a third party's perspective, become more independent, grow, and believe in yourself.

I hope this helps.

Growing up under your mother's wing is secure, but it doesn't prepare you for life's challenges. You feel dissatisfied and want to be independent. This is a good thing. I feel you may have two deeper issues. Let's see if these make you feel lost.

Am I ready to take responsibility for my decisions? What if I mess up?

Can you handle the consequences?

When you talk about boundaries, I sense hesitation: Do I want to separate from my mother? What if I do something wrong?

If my mother doesn't care about me, can I still live a good life? Am I okay?

Think about these questions and prepare yourself. Otherwise, your boundaries will be invaded when you encounter difficulties.

Having boundaries doesn't mean not listening to your mother's advice. You don't have to refuse advice just because you're afraid of boundaries. You can take advice from elders, listen to it, and then choose.

Integrating rather than blindly accepting or rejecting suggestions leads to independence and maturity.

If you do your own thing, you'll hurt your mom.

Your mother has always taken care of you. She may be used to being dominant. She doesn't realize you've grown up. She is used to you being obedient. If you suddenly change, she will feel uncomfortable. Losing control may make her insecure. She will think your independence means you no longer need or love her. Work on soothing your mother's emotions. She needs to be recognized, consulted, praised, respected, and intimate.

Your independence won't destroy your relationship with your mother. It's how you handle it. If you can show your mother you're independent and responsible, she'll feel at ease.

Good luck!

Hello, questioner. After reading your question, I thought of a similar friend I have. I believe that a mother who is too dominant in a family can sometimes result in children who lack their own edges, drive, and personality. My family when I was growing up was actually similar in this regard.

Your problem is actually quite straightforward to resolve, and you may already have the answer within you. It could be beneficial to consider what kind of life you truly desire.

If you are seeking someone to provide you with protection from the elements, guidance in decision-making, assistance in planning your future life, and protection from potential future risks, then remaining by your mother's side and not fully aligning with her expectations and not giving them much thought may prove to be a challenging undertaking.

If you have your own ideas and aspirations, and want to live your life according to your own plans, then perhaps leaving this secure and supportive environment is the best way forward. If the questioner is from a smaller place outside the third- or fourth-tier city, then seeking opportunities in a higher-level city could be a good option, although a first-tier city might not be essential.

It would be beneficial for you to gradually distance yourself from your parents in order to break away from your dependence on them.

If I might offer my humble opinion, I believe that if the issues you've mentioned are truly causing you distress or even internal conflict, it might be beneficial to consider distancing yourself from your parents to gradually become more independent. If you still possess a unique personality with its own set of characteristics, it's important to nurture that aspect of yourself and avoid letting it fade away. Finally, I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can live with an open heart, regardless of the path you choose.

Hello, questioner. I can see you're feeling confused right now, and I'm here to give you a big hug!

You're going through a lot right now. Please, let me give you another warm hug.

I just want to say congratulations on your strong self-awareness.

I'm so happy to tell you how you can change for the better!

There's a great saying in psychology that I think you'll find really helpful: "Self-awareness is the beginning of healing."

You've done a great job of analyzing this. It's so important to recognize that as long as you live at home, you'll still be under your mother's control.

If you want to get away from your mother's control, I'm here to help! You can do the following:

Another option is to live in the staff dormitory if your job provides accommodation.

Another option is to use the salary you earn from working to rent a place to live on your own. This way, you can live independently and avoid any potential issues with your mother.

I just want to check with you: do you think this could be a feasible method?

I truly believe that there are always more than three solutions to any problem, and there are always more ways than there are difficulties!

I truly believe you can do a great job!

I really hope you can find a great solution to the problem you're facing soon.

I'm sorry, I can only think of these things at the moment.

I really hope my answer was helpful and inspiring for you! I'm here for you, I'm the answer, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, we love you and the world loves you too! Wishing you all the best!

Good morning, my name is Gu Yi. I am modest and self-effacing, as I have always been.

In the description, I observe a mother with a strong sense of control and a child who desires to become independent.

You have recently terminated your employment and relocated to live with your mother, who is currently supporting the majority of your living expenses. In a conventional sense, an individual's status is often determined by their material foundation. During our formative years, we would readily accept guidance and control from our mothers due to their role as the primary source of our livelihood. At that age, we lacked the capacity to support ourselves financially.

Mothers in this type of nurturing relationship are accustomed to pointing out mistakes due to differing levels of acceptance, the instinct to survive, and the inability to be self-reliant. This is a result of the power that years of life experience has given mothers, which is now a common practice.

As we mature, we begin to recognize that our mothers' advice and actions may not always align with our personal beliefs and perspectives. During this period, we may find it challenging to fully express ourselves, particularly when our mothers tend to offer frequent guidance. This can lead to feelings of being controlled or restricted.

It is important to note that the process of growing up is not exclusive to children; it is a shared experience that encompasses parents as well. During this period, it is essential to foster communication, guidance, and alignment on concepts and ideas.

Show your mother more love and patience, assist your parents in becoming more effective parents, allow them to gain familiarity with new ideas and skills, and encourage them to contribute their energy to society. During this period, you will find that boundaries will naturally emerge. It is essential to take the initiative, have confidence in your abilities, and rely on yourself to resolve issues.

Best regards,

Hello.

The questioner is clearly troubled.

When you return to your hometown, you expect affection from your family, especially from your mother. You want to be hugged, cared for, and understood.

Home is a harbor, and this expression conveys the inner needs of human beings. However, in real life, it is often a mixture of emotions.

?1. You were persuaded in the process of being influenced.

The questioner used the phrase "Although if I listen to my mother and live like this for the rest of my life, that's fine too," like a floundering fish, and he was eventually caught in the fishing net. He could have soared through the sky and had a broad perspective.

Teaching someone to fish is better than giving them a fish. You were given a fish, but you were not taught to fish.

You have also asked a series of questions about life and family, but your questions and rhetorical questions have been denied.

"You were persuaded." The voice of the outside world overrode your inner voice, and in the end, your inner voice was reduced to a low murmur that could not be well recognized or heard.

Be lenient with yourself, but also aware of your blind spots.

Don't blame yourself if you have problems at work. It's not your fault. The workplace is a difficult place, with people of different ages and family backgrounds who don't always get along.

People who don't care about things can and do suffer.

The questioner is clearly not someone who seeks fame or profit. It is therefore understandable that he left in anger and returned home.

The old home has beauty and charm.

But financially, she is dependent on her mother. And her mother is a strong person who enjoys being completely dependent. She always has the final say in a patriarchal manner.

As you said, in the past, there were many choices, and listening to my mother, perhaps because I was still young at the time, obeying my mother was a choice that would make me feel that I would not suffer internally. It was the only choice in life at that time. "Mom's arrangements can never go wrong."

"If she doesn't do it for me, who else will?" she thinks and says with conviction.

As a result, when failure comes, you immediately recognize your responsibility for your own choices. You accept full responsibility because your mother refuses to acknowledge her own mistakes. She believes she is always right and perfect.

You will become addicted to your mother's dependence the more you suffer and feel responsible and powerless as time goes by.

3. Self-positioning

Financial independence is the energy that accompanies spiritual growth.

You must decide whether to continue relying completely on your mother or to rely on yourself and strive for independence. It seems that you are surrendering to complete dependence on your mother, which is wrong.

You might hear a voice inside you saying it's a bad idea, but you know it's not.

But you will still choose and do the same thing, subconsciously.

You will get through the difficult times with emotional support. Once you have overcome them, they will become easier and easier.

You will be fine if you encounter a similar dilemma again. Have confidence in yourself and be able to do self-awareness without self-negation. It will make you feel happy.

You are not an accessory to the role of mother. You are a person, a woman, and a daughter.

The birth of her daughter made her a mother and brought her glory.

You have to slowly become clear about your own self-positioning. Just do it! Be independent, believe in yourself, and you can do it!

One day, you'll look back and be happy you didn't let your mother's instructions replace your right to choose. If you're still feeling the same way many years from now, the only thing you can do is let it go. What has happened can be undone, and only letting go will help.

I am going to get married.

I will have children.

You must be a dutiful daughter.

Family honor is important to me.

I work and I earn money.

You must learn to manage money.

Keep learning.

This is the real me.

You know which of these things is the most important. It's in your heart.