My parents fight all the time. I don't even want to try to stop them. How can I be so cold-blooded?

The questioner: I think it's great that we're meeting today! I'm grateful to have this opportunity.

After reading your words, I want to give you a hug. I want to say that your way of thinking is not cold-blooded; it is normal.

First of all, you tried to help them reconcile, but it didn't work out. Instead of resolving the problem, the conflict got worse. So there's a reason why you now want to give up trying to persuade them.

If we don't get any feedback after putting in a lot of effort, we'll usually want to give up.

Second, it's important to remember that conflicts between parents are rarely just about the surface issues. It's not always easy to identify the root cause of these conflicts and there's no simple solution. Taking sides with either parent can often make the conflict worse.

For instance, if we take the mother's side, we'll naturally sympathize with her, oppose the father, and confront him. This creates additional conflict because the father also has to navigate a parent-child relationship with the mother. In family disputes, it's common for the mother to cry in front of the children, which often wins their support.

My father would often choose to remain silent, but when he couldn't hold back any longer, he would resort to domestic violence or other behaviors. This means that most of what we know about our fathers comes from our mothers, and what our mothers say is from their perspective, which is definitely not the whole truth.

A lot of my mother's own beliefs, values, and ideas got mixed in, which distorted the facts. The result was that it unintentionally deepened the conflict and misunderstanding between children and their fathers.

I used to really resent my father for the domestic violence he inflicted on my mother when I was young. Of course, this behavior is really unacceptable. However, as I have continued to communicate with my father and work through our issues, I now understand his actions in a special way and I don't confront him as I once did.

At the end of the day, the disagreements between parents are lessons they need to learn. As their children, we should let them work it out on their own.

After all, on the one hand, there is your father, and on the other, your mother. You're the one to blame for helping either side. No matter who's right or wrong, the one who suffers is the child in the middle.

Since children are a mix of their mother and father, they often have high expectations of their mom and dad.

You did the right thing. You didn't try to stop the fight. You let them resolve it themselves and grow from it. You took responsibility for being a good person yourself. Also, don't expect anything from them. Otherwise, you'll be disappointed or even angry with them inside. Be the spiritual parent within yourself. Nourish yourself, affirm yourself, and love yourself.

I hope this helps. Best of luck!

You should be absolutely certain that your current situation, your current behavior, and your reactions are not cold-blooded.

Your parents' constant fighting has led to the development of a stress response in you. Whenever your father comes home, there is fighting. You have now made an association, which is why you are in this situation. You even hope that your father will not come home, and that you can stop living in this house. This chain reaction is the result of a person's emotions. When someone is in this situation for a long time, it is normal for these things to happen. But you can change this!

When you were young, you also participated in your parents' quarrels and even helped them reduce them, but their problems were never properly resolved. In fact, when it comes to a husband-and-wife relationship, children are outsiders. They are Party A and Party B, and there is no third party. Therefore, as children, we cannot solve their problems—but we can help them find solutions!

So don't feel sorry or think you've failed! This is something they themselves need to deal with.

You envy your sister for not being in this family, and at the same time hope that you can leave the two of them in the future. This is a thought that all children growing up in such an environment will have. If you can't change it, just escape! But the deep reason for this escape is not cold-bloodedness, not a lack of concern for your parents, but a show of love for them.

Your starting point is that you hope they can make up, and even more so that they don't argue! Their arguments will lead to their relationship getting worse and worse, and it will also make you emotionally unstable. That's why you want to escape!

Their marital problems and children are not your concern. If you feel you cannot live well in such an environment long-term, then find a place to live on your own or just find a place to live while your father is at home. As a child, you can be a support for your parents and soothe the emotions of both sides after an argument. For the rest, follow their pattern of getting along.

If there's a chance in the future, you can once again become the middleman, mediate their arguments, and ease their emotions. This is the best thing you can do! But if that's not possible, then stabilizing your emotions and living your own life is the most important thing for you as an independent individual at this time.

I really, really hope that all parents' quarrels can be kept out of the children's hearing!

Hello, I'm a Heart Detective coach. Everything is going to be okay. I can see how upset you are. Since you were young, your parents have often had disagreements, which has caused you a lot of fear and stress. You used to think that if you could help your parents solve their problems, you could help them repair their relationship.

But as it turns out, they have no way or ability to improve their relationship through means other than arguing. You feel very powerless, sweetie. You have tried everything you can think of, but you are unable to have a harmonious and loving family. You feel sad, and even want to leave this family full of conflict and devoid of care and love.

1. Your inner conflicts and contradictions

It's so hard when you feel like you can't help your parents in a family that's full of verbal violence. It's also really tough when you feel like you're being affected by your emotions and psychology in a negative way. It's totally understandable that you feel so overwhelmed that you want to escape from this place that makes you feel scared and sad.

On the other hand, you realize that you are part of this family unit (a family of three), that you should understand your parents' emotions, that you have a responsibility towards the family and your parents, and that you should not think about running away. This idea of wanting to "take refuge" makes you feel cold-blooded, and you feel a little self-blame.

This is an internal battle between your urge to avoid and your desire to approach.

2. Let's dig a little deeper and see where these emotions are coming from.

I can see that you are a very understanding child. When your parents' relationship started to falter, you tried to help them sort out the problem and repair their relationship.

After trying, you find that repairing your parents' relationship is beyond your control. You feel frustrated, from fear to sadness to helplessness, and there may be some resentment you are not aware of. It's totally understandable to feel this way! You hate the two adults for always messing up their relationship, leaving the whole family without a day of peace.

So you want your father not to come home, not because you are cold-blooded, but because you long for a family that is free of conflict, peaceful, warm, and united. If two people are always arguing together, it affects the stability of the family and the growth of the children. It would be better if one of them was not there, so the arguing would disappear. I know it's not easy, but I'm here to support you.

It's totally normal to feel this way. You're right to feel resentful of the fear and sadness that the quarrels bring you. It's understandable that you resent your parents, but it's also understandable that you want to leave home to escape the harm caused by the endless quarrels. So please don't feel cold-blooded and condemn and deny yourself.

3. It's time to separate issues and heal those wounds.

The wonderful psychologist Adler came up with a great idea called subject separation. This is when you focus on yourself and accept that you are the subject of an event, and nobody else can interfere.

Fighting doesn't help the relationship. It's something the father and mother still need to work through together.

The two adults need to take responsibility for their relationship, not you, who were once young.

Your parents also didn't realize what you were trying to do to stop the fighting. You just wanted their attention and love, a happy, peaceful, warm, and loving home, for everyone to love each other, and to learn to solve problems without fighting.

Adults are like little kids at heart.

Some adults find themselves going back to their childhood in their intimate relationships and using the way children get along with each other to solve problems. How the two get along in an intimate relationship comes from the education and influence the parents received in their original family in their early years, as well as their subsequent learning and renewal.

Since they couldn't find another way to connect emotionally, arguing became their go-to mode of communication.

It's totally normal for couples to argue. But when you have a good, constructive argument, it can really help you understand each other better. Once you've resolved the issue, it's important to learn to get along with each other better. This kind of arguing is really meaningful.

In any case, your folks are not the best at arguing. They could use some help learning how to do it properly.

Their endless quarrels have also caused you a lot of harm, sweetie. Please take care of yourself first and focus on yourself. You also have your own life's lessons to complete, and you need to repair the trauma caused to you by your parents' quarrels.

You've got this! Study hard, become independent like your sister, and strive to find your own happiness.

If you'd like to chat some more, just click below to find a coach for one-on-one communication.

I really hope you can get rid of your troubles soon! I wish you all the best.