Parents control education, weak character, indecisive, how to improve?

Good day.

From my perspective, this is a fairly common phenomenon in Chinese families. Parents tend to exert excessive control over their children, which can result in a loss of independence and an inability to leave the family unit. This often leads to continued entanglement with parents.

At the age of 24, the typical individual would have completed their education and commenced their career. However, you are currently residing at home, recuperating. You reflect on your classmates, who have either initiated their professional careers or continued their academic pursuits, and experience a sense of resentment and self-deprecation.

If you wish to remain living at home, you will be required to continue to be "controlled" by your parents, which you seek to escape from. However, is it possible that you are also seeking this? You feel that you have not developed sufficient independence under your parents' control for many years.

In other words, it has not reached an adult level of development. It appears that you perceive yourself as still being a child, lacking in abilities, somewhat timid in the face of the outside world, reluctant to trust your abilities, and unable to face and deal with some problems alone.

When an individual is uncertain about their abilities or worth, they tend to doubt themselves and are often afraid of being rejected by others. This excessive caution and speculation in relationships can be extremely draining.

A diagnosis of adjustment disorder indicates the necessity to adjust one's behavior. This entails confronting challenging situations, the majority of which are interpersonal, rather than avoiding them.

For individuals with low self-confidence, this can be a significant challenge.

Perhaps you require a degree of self-assurance, which can be derived from two sources: firstly, the realisation that you have achieved something, and secondly, the continued affirmation and belief of others in your abilities. These two factors may help to instill a sense of confidence in you, allowing you to become more relaxed and self-assured.

It would be beneficial for you to identify an area in which you excel and are willing to contribute, even if it is a minor role. As the initial respondent suggested, it is important to gradually become integrated into the organization.

It is also important to cultivate relationships with individuals who genuinely appreciate and affirm your contributions, and to avoid those who are overly critical or suppressive. Our sense of self is largely shaped by the feedback we receive from others, much like how we perceive our reflection in a mirror.

Please be aware that both of these processes require an investment of time. We therefore ask you to take your time to complete them.

Hello, I'm Zeyu.

You said your parents controlled your education, which has held you back. Let's find a solution.

At 24, I was recovering from adjustment disorder. Imagine you didn't have this disorder. How would you choose your life? I don't know if the questioner has a plan for this. If you have a plan, "adjustment disorder" will only be temporary. If you haven't thought about this, the problem may continue.

You described your problems as small but difficult. To change, we must change our mindset. If you believe your parents' controlling upbringing has led to a weak character and a lack of assertiveness, and that you cannot do things on your own, you will lack confidence and mess things up.

Assertiveness is about doing a task in a way that makes sense to you. If you're not assertive, start by doing small things. When faced with a problem, imagine how someone you admire would handle it. Then, do it that way.

Start by doing small things right. Then, do more. We all make mistakes. We're all learning. Be patient with yourself. You can do it.

I hope you have a happy Lantern Festival and find a way to complete your transformation.

Hello,

You seem to care a lot about what other people think. But you also need to take responsibility for your own actions. You don't need to consider other people's emotions and feelings.

We should also have our own opinions and principles when making choices. We should think independently, think about what is most comfortable for ourselves, and strengthen our ideas. We can enhance our self-confidence through reading and other methods.

My advice:

(1) Learn to separate issues. Only we are responsible for our thoughts and choices.

For example, when faced with a situation, we can think about our thoughts and choices. We don't need to consider other people's thoughts too much. Don't care too much about other people's emotions and feelings, but also be responsible for yourself.

Believe in yourself.

We can't make good choices if we're not confident. We need to think and judge rationally. We should believe in ourselves.

(3) Build your inner strength. You can also get help from a counselor or others.

Seeking help from a counselor or others can give us strength, help us see what we need, and make us believe we can accomplish something. We must also distinguish between other people's ideas and our own, not be influenced by the outside world, and rely on reason. Everything can be solved.

Best wishes!

Good day. I would describe myself as an older person who is on the thin side.

It is often said that our childhood experiences have a significant impact on our future lives. There is a popular saying on the internet that captures this idea: "Happy people use their childhood to heal their whole life, while the unfortunate use their whole life to heal their childhood." While this statement may be a bit exaggerated, it does seem to confirm the impact of childhood on us to some extent.

It would be fair to say that the way the questioner was raised by his parents has caused him some difficulties in his adult life.

1. It is possible that the questioner's perceived weakness of independence may be due, at least in part, to the parents' expectations of academic excellence, which may have inadvertently limited the questioner's opportunities to develop abilities in other areas besides study.

"2" It's possible that the personality of pleasing others may be due to a history of feeling that one's independence was not fully recognized by their parents. This could have led to a tendency to prioritize the opinions of others over one's own, and to a certain degree, to overlook one's own feelings over time.

"3" may lack confidence and be afraid of making mistakes. This could be due to a history of rejections from others, which may have led to feelings of being unable to be independent. This could have resulted in a tendency to feel embarrassed in certain situations, which may have contributed to a sense of self-deprecation and a lack of confidence.

I believe that being aware of your current situation is the best way to start.

Darwin once proposed that "the fittest survive" and "use promotes development and disuse leads to decline." This is true of the evolution of living things, and it is also true of the improvement of people's various qualities and abilities. The questioner may wish to consider some methods that could allow themselves to grow and to improve the areas they hope to develop in the future.

The first step in growing up is to become aware of yourself, understand your own experience of being raised, and reconcile with yourself. Only by becoming aware of and accepting yourself can you change and improve yourself on this foundation. At the same time, it is important to remember that parents are also ordinary people and have the shortcomings of ordinary people, so their demands are not necessarily right. You can choose to listen selectively and consider whether their expectations align with your own needs and values. "Embracing Your Inner Child" may help the questioner to further understand themselves and reconcile with themselves.

Secondly, it would be beneficial to avoid the "pleaser" personality type. It is important to first accept yourself. Pleasing others may not necessarily result in a higher quality of relationships. Instead, being overly observant and overthinking every action you take to see if it will make others happy may not only drain you of energy, but also make you overly dependent on the outside world and unable to be alone. When the relationship is in turmoil, you may find yourself torn between wanting to stay and wanting to leave.

As discussed in "The Courage to Be Disliked," it's important to remember that what other people want from you is their problem, not yours. It's okay to not let other people's problems affect your feelings about yourself.

Third, it is important to recognize that growth often comes with challenges and setbacks. No one's journey is without obstacles. When pursuing a goal, it can be helpful to anticipate the potential consequences of a failure and determine whether you are willing to try again. Starting with small steps can help you develop resilience in the face of setbacks and foster self-confidence.

Fourth, it's important to remember that "I think" is a subjective feeling. When you feel good about yourself, it motivates you to strive for improvement. However, when you feel less confident, it can lead to self-doubt and hesitation. One way to avoid overestimating the difficulty of tasks is to turn the uncertainty in your mind into certainty. This can be achieved by breaking down goals into stages, which can help you overcome internal fears.

It might be helpful to give yourself positive feedback. You could reward yourself for increasing your ability to cope with setbacks, or for doing things independently. This could help you become more independent and more confident.

In conclusion, growth is a lifelong topic. It is not necessary to rush for quick results, but it is beneficial to allow time for adaptation, acceptance, and growth. Reading more psychology-related books can facilitate continuous progress, and seeking the guidance of a psychologist can help accelerate the pace of growth.

I hope these suggestions are helpful for you. I wish you all the best!

Dear question asker,

From your description, it seems that you may be experiencing some discomfort internally, and you appear to be aware of this and are seeking ways to improve it. Is that an accurate interpretation?

From your description, it seems that your parents' educational challenges since childhood may have contributed to your current level of independence and self-confidence. Do you often find yourself seeking external opinions on various matters? It's understandable that you want to please others, but it seems that you often end up compromising your own needs, which can lead to feelings of discomfort. Is that an accurate observation?

When I read your description, I was reminded of my own experiences. I believe we can all relate to feeling like we're not very confident and that we're better at taking care of others than ourselves.

I believe that your decision to seek guidance on this matter is an important first step towards positive change. Just as I once faced similar challenges, I am now in a position to offer you some insights. I am also continuously striving to identify solutions and explore new avenues of growth.

I know it's not your fault, and I'm sure you don't want it to be like this. It may just be because of problems in your family of origin that have caused you so much internal conflict. The famous psychologist Adler once said, "The lucky ones are healed by their childhood in their lifetime; the unfortunate ones heal their childhood with their lifetime." This shows that the educational environment of our parents and our family of origin is extremely important to us. But it's not our fault that we didn't receive a good education from our family of origin. Now that we've grown up, you've already become aware of it, that is, you've awakened. As long as you keep looking, you will always find your own breakthrough.

If a miracle were to occur and your uncomfortable feeling disappeared, what kind of state of life would you find yourself in? What could you do to make such a miracle happen?

Could you please tell me what you think will be different about you after the miracle?

I don't know the specifics of your situation, but based on your description, I feel that I can offer some general advice that I hope will be helpful to you.

It might be helpful to seek support from external resources.

I believe that deep down, you are uncomfortable and don't like the current situation, which is why you keep climbing upwards. However, I think your inner strength could be stronger. At this time, it might be helpful to seek help from professional psychological counselors. They can help us through their professional skills, dig deep into the root of our subconscious, help us heal, give us security, and provide us with an environment in which we can grow with strength.

If it is of interest to you, you may also wish to consider studying psychology. There are a number of further course videos, articles and books on the subject which you may find helpful.

Secondly, it may be helpful to seek out positive experiences.

Sometimes, when we are caught up in negative emotions and unable to extricate ourselves, it can feel like a noose strangling us, preventing us from breathing. At this time, if we really want to change, we might benefit from seeking out positive experiences. We could think about what things in the past made us feel happy, and what things brought us a sense of positive well-being. We can become more aware of these experiences, and practice self-reflection through meditation. Encouraging ourselves to do this every morning and evening may help us a lot and give us a great deal of motivation.

It might also be helpful to find hobbies that boost your self-confidence.

As you mentioned, parental involvement in our education can sometimes lead us to prioritize the approval of others over our own needs and desires. During this period, it can be beneficial to focus on building our self-confidence and inner strength. Identifying our interests and hobbies can be a valuable step in this process. When we engage with activities that align with our interests, we can often feel a sense of fulfillment and gain a boost in self-confidence.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to believe in yourself.

I understand that you may feel somewhat uncomfortable inside, which is why you keep pushing through. You may not have thought of a better way yet, but I kindly ask you to believe in yourself. Believe and firmly believe that you can do it. Only with this mentality of believing in ourselves can we dare to take on challenges and try new things. This is the only way we can keep making breakthroughs and become successful. If we all don't believe in ourselves, if we are immersed in our parents' pressure and unconsciously avoid confronting other people's words, then we won't have the strength to try and fight. Do you agree with what I've said?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider learning to love yourself.

I can empathize with you because I have had similar experiences. Sometimes we take care of other people very well, but we make ourselves feel very uncomfortable. At this time, it might be helpful to stop and pay more attention to our emotions. When we are not feeling well, it might be beneficial to avoid forcing ourselves to do things and instead give ourselves a hug. Learning to love ourselves could be a valuable step. At the beginning, we may feel a little lost and not know what to do. Then we can start by respecting our feelings and learning to say no.

It is said that loving yourself is the ultimate lifelong romance. Perhaps if we learn to love ourselves, we will have the courage to love others and be loved. After all, the attitude that others treat us with is actually given by us. If we don't love and respect ourselves, it's hard for others to do so.

Perhaps it would be helpful to look at yourself more often.

I understand. Due to our parents' strict upbringing, we may be more inclined to be kind and humble, while also recognizing the merits of others. When you have your phone out to look something up, I hope you can pay more attention to yourself and avoid comparing yourself to others. With time, we can all make small improvements and become different people.

It might be helpful to learn to release negative emotions.

Your description is simple, yet I sense that you may have a number of concerns, frustrations, and anxieties. It's understandable that you have high expectations, and when you come here, it might be helpful to let go of negative emotions and allow positive ones to take their place. One way to do this is through exercise, as it can stimulate the production of dopamine, which in turn can provide a sense of pleasure and help relieve anxiety.

I would like to share my personal experience with you in the hope that it might be of some help. I used to have very low self-esteem and was afraid to walk or eat alone. I felt that if I walked or ate alone, I would not be liked by the world. Through studying psychology and immersing myself in it, I have made some progress in building my confidence and managing my anxiety. I still have my moments, but I am learning to regulate myself more often than not. I believe that with perseverance and a willingness to keep looking for a breakthrough, you can find your own light and breakthrough. One day, your life will be particularly relaxed and carefree.

Hello, question asker! From your description, it's clear you're feeling powerless and helpless. You say that your independence stopped at junior high school, but the truth is that the beginning of a person's identity is from junior high school. We start thinking about the question "Who am I?" from adolescence, so as to find our sense of belonging and direction.

Your parents' total control has led to a lack of self-identity, which has in turn led to a lack of self-knowledge. This has resulted in a lack of understanding of who you are, what you like, what you can do, what you want to do, how to do it, how to bear the consequences, how to interact with others, and you can't make decisions for yourself, even for trivial matters. This is not your fault, so don't blame yourself. People don't grow up overnight; it's all linked together, and the problems you are now facing are precisely because of the lack of previous links. You can still make up for what you lack, and it's not too late for anything. Hugs!

Let me be clear: this process cannot be completed overnight during adolescence. Those who did not experience a lack of self-identity during their secondary school years are still on the path to understanding themselves. Perhaps the most difficult thing in the world is to understand oneself, so this is a lifelong process. That is why I just said that it is not too late, it is just a different starting line. But everyone is on the same journey, so let's go together! Don't blame yourself, and don't be self-deprecating. We are all in the same boat. No one can guarantee that they fully understand themselves. Many people just live a good life that satisfies worldly standards, but outsiders have no idea what is really going on inside.

You're already making progress by being able to reflect on yourself and your inner world at twenty-something. Many people don't have this ability because they're too busy living life at a fast pace.

The fastest way to get to know yourself is also the slowest: integrate yourself into life and work, and continue as usual with your confusion, pain, doubts, and wounds. You have been diagnosed with an adjustment disorder, which means you have pressed pause on life. This is necessary to give your body and mind a chance to catch their breath, and time and space to recover and adjust. Use this time to think about what you want to do within your current abilities. It doesn't matter if it is a small thing, not profitable, or seems very unreasonable and unbelievable to others. If you are afraid that your parents will not understand and hinder or nag you, then you can communicate with them. Explain that you are now trying to do things independently. If your parents can support you, that would be best. If not, you can choose to do some small things and experience the feeling of being autonomous and in control. You can accomplish a big task gradually, without rushing. When you feel more autonomous and in control, your body and mind will feel better. You can then gradually increase the difficulty of your small tasks and try them.

You may feel frustrated and like a failure when you're learning something new. You might think, "How come I can't even do something small well?" Remember, everyone has to start from the basics when they're learning something new. Look at how a child learns to walk or ride a bike. This is how it's done. Encourage yourself and keep going.

You will need certain skills to assist you in this process. These include interpersonal interaction skills, the ability to ask for help, and the skills to establish and maintain a good relationship. You can obtain these skills through reading, learning, or psychological counseling. This kind of learning is very necessary. Consulting and asking for advice from professionals or experienced people around you can improve the efficiency and quality of your self-awareness and regain a sense of control in your life. In fact, these are all technical and methodological matters that can be obtained by seeking external assistance. The most important thing for you now is to rebuild your confidence, be mentally prepared to restart your life, learn from the basics, accumulate knowledge, and practice. Learn by doing and practice while learning, gather courage and make mistakes, and you will discover your true self and a better self.

You've got this! You still have a long life ahead of you, and you can do anything you set your mind to!