Regarding the conflict between understanding oneself and understanding others, should I understand myself?

Dear Question Owner,

In the past two years, you have undergone significant life changes and encountered various forms of oppression and harm, which have led to an increased awareness of your own feelings. However, you have observed a discrepancy between your inclination to prioritize your own well-being and your tendency to empathize with others. This discrepancy has resulted in feelings of internal mental depletion and self-doubt, accompanied by the perception of personal inadequacy, which is a highly distressing experience.

It is an undeniable fact that change is often accompanied by a certain degree of discomfort. The experiences and life circumstances that one has encountered are, in fact, a reflection of reality, and the subsequent realization of the necessity to prioritize self-care is a genuine and authentic need. Once such needs have been identified, it is not always possible to simply disregard them.

You have demonstrated considerable courage in the face of adversity, and as a result, you are motivated to make meaningful changes in yourself and take tangible action.

In the process of change, one may encounter conflicts. Others may be unable to perceive situations from one's perspective. One may become adept at empathizing with others and experiencing their emotions. However, it is not necessary to disregard one's own feelings. One's feelings are more authentic and dependable. Prioritizing one's own emotional well-being is crucial for effectively caring for the feelings of others. Therefore, it is essential to attend to one's own feelings.

One must not doubt oneself; one has no problems. One is truly undergoing a transformation of the self, and this process is, in fact, quite arduous and increases internal friction. However, this is the emergence of the new self.

It is important to note that the process will undoubtedly present numerous challenges. However, it is also a pivotal turning point. The metaphorical rainbow will eventually emerge after the storm.

It is to be expected that the changes you are undergoing will have an impact on those around you. There is no cause for concern if they initially appear uncomfortable with the changes you are making. With time, however, they will adapt to the new you. As you change, you and others will have to redefine your boundaries, and the new boundaries will be more friendly to you.

It is advisable to proceed with gradual and measured changes. When experiencing negative emotions such as sadness, it is beneficial to engage in relaxation techniques to promote emotional regulation.

Additionally, this forum provides an opportunity to pose further questions to a community of like-minded individuals who can offer guidance and support.

The world and I extend our affection to you.

My name is Gu Yi. I am a consistent and calm individual.

The underlying cause of the conflict.

When there is a discrepancy between one's aspirational goals and the reality of the situation, it can lead to a range of challenges, both significant and minor. This discrepancy can result in a cycle of self-denial.

The majority of aspects in life are in a state of dynamic equilibrium, undergoing constant change. It is therefore essential to identify a balance between our ideals and reality.

The ultimate perfectionist always strives to perform to the highest standards, to receive positive feedback from colleagues, and to narrow the gap between their current performance and their ideal. When this balance is disrupted, they may lose motivation.

To empathize effectively, it is essential to build core self-confidence.

As previously stated, the majority of our interactions are emotional in nature. Cognitive empathy, on the other hand, requires a different approach. It necessitates a certain degree of accumulation and emotional empathy requires a certain amount of forbearance.

It is important to understand your own strengths and weaknesses before attempting to empathize with others. There will always be challenges in life, and not everyone will have the same experiences or opinions as you. It is not uncommon to face opposition or disapproval. Accepting these realities and understanding your own capabilities is crucial for personal growth and resilience.

It is important to develop the ability to please yourself. Our happiness should come from within, rather than from external sources. By focusing on ourselves, we can live more easily and reduce psychological stress.

Good day, question asker.

From your description, I can discern your inner anxiety, helplessness, and uncertainty. Concurrently, you are aware of this discomfort, which evinces your acute perceptivity. You are amenable to confronting challenges, which is an indicator of your progress along the path of change. This is encouraging!

Please describe the circumstances that led to this emotional state. When did this emotional state first manifest?

Please describe the circumstances that transpired at the time and the manner in which you adapted to them.

At what point will you cease to experience this sentiment? When you are not in this emotional state, what condition do you find yourself in?

What sources of strength enable you to persist in the face of such discomfort? What motivates you to pursue a breakthrough in your understanding when you are in such an emotionally challenging situation?

All problems can be viewed as potential resources. When one is able to identify and seek solutions to these problems, an internal shift in perspective occurs. This shift often leads to a sense of self-expectation.

You describe yourself as having a high ability to empathize. You believe that you are more inclined to emotional empathy, which can generate a plethora of negative emotions and internal conflict. Due to the challenges in your family of origin and your upbringing, you may be influenced by external factors, yet you are also relatively sensible and kind. You have experienced a period of low self-confidence over the past two years. You are aware that respecting your own feelings is a crucial step in transforming this uncomfortable state. However, you also recognize that when you prioritize your own thoughts, you may unintentionally hurt others, which you are reluctant to do. This creates a self-contradiction that you are currently struggling to resolve.

After a thorough examination of your description, it is evident that you possess a profound understanding and kindness. It is clear that you do not wish to cause harm to others. Indeed, it is imperative that you undergo a transformation. It is crucial to respect your feelings and ideas. This process is not about inflicting pain on others; rather, it is about safeguarding your own well-being. When you are able to protect yourself, you gain the strength to protect those you care about. Do you concur with these assertions?

What about empathy, also known as sympathy, empathy, and projection? Individuals with a strong sense of empathy tend to be more understanding. Those who are kind-hearted are often sensitive on an emotional level. When coupled with certain educational and life experiences in one's family of origin, these experiences may have resulted in some negative outcomes, potentially leading to a lack of confidence and heightened sensitivity. Therefore, when one experiences discomfort and desires change, yet is concerned about potentially hurting others, it is indicative of a kind and benevolent nature.

In the event of a miracle, whereby the aforementioned uncomfortable feeling is no longer experienced, what will the state of one's life be like? What actions have been taken to facilitate such a miracle?

Subsequent to the occurrence of the miracle, will there be any discernible difference in your condition? Who will be the first to perceive the change?

In light of the aforementioned description, the following recommendations are offered for your consideration.

The initial step is to accept oneself and respect one's feelings.

Every individual in life is unique and possesses equal value. However, due to discrepancies in the educational environment and life experiences within the original family, our personalities tend to diverge. When confronted with uncomfortable emotions, it is essential to choose to accept oneself and respect one's feelings. This can be conceptualized as an ability to love oneself. When influenced by external factors, it is often because we perceive ourselves as weak. In reality, we are inherently strong, and everyone possesses limitless potential. By respecting and accepting oneself, one can cultivate the motivation to strive diligently in finding one's own path.

Secondly, it is essential to establish clear boundaries and learn effective strategies for self-protection.

In some cases, issues within the family of origin may result in certain limitations. However, as individuals mature, it becomes crucial to develop a clear understanding of one's personal boundaries, communicate these boundaries to others, and take appropriate action when they are violated. This approach not only protects oneself but also fosters healthy relationships.

Subsequently, it is essential to cultivate an ability to accept oneself.

Each individual possesses distinctive characteristics. When confronted with a challenge, it is essential to accept oneself, acknowledge one's circumstances, recognize the capacity for empathy, and engage in continuous self-reflection to identify potential for growth.

Furthermore, it is essential to learn to release negative emotions.

Emotions and inferiority complexes that are not addressed can impede progress. It is essential to learn to release these negative emotions in order to achieve a state of mental equilibrium. This can be achieved through discussion with a trusted individual or through physical activity, as exercise releases dopamine, which provides a sense of pleasure.

It is also recommended to seek assistance from external resources.

Inferiority complexes are a common phenomenon, and when individuals are unable to resolve them on their own, they may benefit from seeking external assistance. Professional counselors can facilitate introspective exploration of the underlying causes of these complexes through the use of specialized techniques, creating a secure environment for personal growth.

It is also possible to pursue further studies in psychology, which can facilitate personal growth and healing.

In conclusion, it is important to acknowledge the significant strides made thus far. When confronted with external influences, it is essential to adjust one's mentality, fortify one's inner strength, and approach the situation with an open mind. By persistently striving and courageously confronting these external forces, individuals can effectively chart a unique course for themselves.

I suggest you read the following psychology books, which I believe will be beneficial: Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychologist, The Story Box of the Psychologist, The Courage to Be Disliked, and The Brain Code for Happiness.

Hello, I'm June.

You describe your personality as "understanding and empathetic." You are surprised by other people's opinions and judgments of you, and you often suppress your emotions, so you suffer from a lot of mental stress. You need to take care of other people's feelings while also making yourself feel comfortable.

I am going to start caring more about my own feelings. I know that this will help me to save myself, but I am aware of a contradiction. When I care about my own feelings, I may hurt others and violent conflicts may occur. When others have disrespectful behavior towards me, this huge amount of energy overwhelms me and I don't know how to find a foothold to achieve a win-win situation in the relationship. I am going to work out why there are so many conflicts and contradictions.

In this description, you become stronger and stronger. You pay attention to your own feelings and emotions and establish your own boundaries. As a result, you begin to conflict with others.

You seem to be afraid of conflict with others. You worry that you will lose the rapport you have built through being "understanding" if you engage in conflict. At the same time, you feel lost and unsure of how to express your emotions and feelings.

Let me be clear: being empathetic is not about trying to please others or flattering them. You mentioned "empathy" in the article, and I am here to tell you that being empathetic is about thinking and feeling from the perspective of others when they encounter problems or difficulties. It is about understanding their feelings and what exactly is holding them back.

If you feel depressed and miserable when being "understanding," and have to sacrifice your emotions, time, interests, and other things to gain the other person's attention, then the "degree" is too extreme. You need to be aware of whether you are trying to please too much.

You need to ask yourself: have you lost your neutral stance? Is there some need of mine that this deliberate flattery is addressing?

2. People interact with each other as equals, and such relationships are stable and can develop over the long term. If you don't get respect, understanding, or acceptance in a relationship, then the relationship should be about your needs more than the other person's.

You must consider the issue of "degree" at this point.

Consider what you gain from the relationship. Why is this relationship important to me?

I want to understand if we share the same understanding of the relationship. If our statuses are not equal, I need to know if I should continue the relationship.

I am going to run this business for as long as it takes.

I am currently facing significant challenges in my life, including difficulties in my relationships, career, and interpersonal interactions. I am aware that I am experiencing internal conflict and doubt about myself. However, with each understanding I gain about myself, I feel that there is something wrong with me again. This pain is very real.

I can see that you're going through a difficult period. It seems that you're trying to adjust your interpersonal relationship model, which has led to the breakdown of many relationships. Or perhaps you're facing the fact that interpersonal relationships are becoming increasingly unpredictable, which has prompted you to consider how you can adapt to this new reality.

In any case, this process may result in significant losses, and you may question whether you are wrong and should revert to your previous mode of being "understanding." However, when you consider your previous depression and mental depletion, you experience intense pain once again.

Pain can make you self-critical and make you feel like you're not tolerant enough.

1. A person who is depressed and suffering will find it difficult to be truly tolerant and understanding towards others, and it will be challenging for them to support others.

You are not being selfish when you choose to make yourself happy first. In fact, you are being responsible for yourself. People who are responsible for themselves have a more controllable life, and thus have the energy to help others.

I am confident that you will find the above analysis useful. Best wishes!

Hello, question asker! I am an old skinny donkey, and I'm ready to answer your question!

Once you understand yourself, you'll be more aware of your own needs and strengths. You'll also be more tolerant of your shortcomings and able to make trade-offs between needs. Understanding others is key to building harmonious relationships. And understanding yourself? It'll make you more empathetic! I believe that although there will be conflicts when faced with it, it depends on which one has a greater impact. So, I suggest that the questioner can consider:

1. Know what you want! And make sure it's something you're proud of. Is it something you'd be happy to share with others? Is it something you'd be happy to see them benefit from? Is it something you'd be happy to see them enjoy? Is it something you'd be happy to see them benefit from? Is it something you'd be happy to see them enjoy?

Often, our needs may not be agreed upon by others, but we will not be hurt!

2. Avoid unnecessary flattery. This will not only fail to earn our respect, but also make us feel busy for no reason.

3. Know your own boundaries and stick to them! You can confidently say no to things that are outside of your comfort zone, and you can do so in a way that is respectful and considerate.

4. Seize the opportunity to find common ground while respecting differences. Work towards a common goal with others to achieve a win-win situation, and embrace the opportunity to have differences with others.

5. Be empathetic! Avoid causing the same harm to others that you have suffered yourself.

6. Learn to be tactful and control your emotions. It's a great idea to wait until you've had a chance to think things through before sharing your opinions. This helps you avoid saying things you might regret, and it shows others you're in control of your emotions.

7. Embrace your true self! When you're spiritually rich, you'll naturally care about other people's feelings.

I'm so excited to share my thoughts with you!

Good day, question asker. My name is Evan.

As evidenced by the description, the questioner exhibits a lack of emotional empathy, resulting in internal conflicts that manifest as various forms of suppression and harm in their relationships. This has led to an undesirable state wherein the questioner is unable to effectively navigate conflicts and contradictions. The questioner's work and relationships have both reached a nadir, and numerous challenges in life and work have led to self-doubt, which in turn has caused the questioner to experience painful negative emotions and an inability to disengage from them.

It is my hope that offering the questioner a degree of encouragement will provide them with a measure of strength. Are the issues currently being experienced, including those related to interpersonal dynamics and emotional regulation, also associated with the questioner's behavioural patterns?

The question then becomes: Where does the questioner's behavior pattern originate? Is it a result of the parents' education, the questioner's own personality, or a combination of the two?

It is unclear whether the questioner has considered this question in sufficient depth. What is the rationale behind this behavioural pattern? Why is there a tendency to avoid confronting one's own emotions, and conversely, to prioritise the feelings of others?

In the absence of an understanding of the root cause of these problems, it will be challenging to effect improvements in the current situation.

If one desires to effect positive change in one's future life and to gain a clear understanding of oneself, one must acknowledge that the journey will be lengthy and challenging. It is also essential to reflect on the life one aspires to lead and to identify the life one truly desires.

As the question was posed on an online forum, it is not feasible to provide a comprehensive response. Therefore, the only recourse is to offer some straightforward counsel.

It is essential to acknowledge the influence of one's original family on one's personal development.

What is the impact of the original family on the questioner? What is the model for interpersonal relationships?

It is important to identify the views that affect the questioner, including the three fixed views that they bring to the situation. These views are influenced by the original family and can cause problems in interpersonal relationships. The questioner can list the views that their own ideas have brought to them about getting along with others.

Subsequently, the questioner can endeavor to ascertain the veracity of these perspectives, identify their provenance, and determine whether they are merely subjective sentiments. To this end, the questioner may engage in discourse with these perspectives, drawing upon the observed dynamics among acquaintances and the perspectives conveyed by the questioner's family of origin. This process may elucidate whether these perspectives are ubiquitous within society or merely a subjective interpretation.

If the opinion in question is one that is held by the questioner alone, and not by all, then the questioner can come to understand the influences that their family of origin has had on them. When the questioner comes to recognize that some of their views on relationships have in fact been influenced by their family of origin since childhood, then will the questioner face the conflicts in their relationships more calmly?

It is essential to cultivate an awareness of the role that one's own experiences and perspectives play in shaping one's interactions and behaviors.

The influence of the original family on the questioner, as well as the questioner's behavioral patterns, has resulted in the questioner's current circumstances. Therefore, it is essential to determine how the questioner can overcome the influence of the original family on themselves. Should the questioner simply allow these influences to affect their every word and action?

Alternatively, should the questioner confront the issue with courage? This necessitates the ability of the questioner to confront and be honest with themselves, as this will enable the questioner to address their concerns directly and prevent the repetition of similar mistakes in future interpersonal interactions.

Indeed, the manner in which the questioner navigates conflicts and expresses emotions is shaped by the influence of the original family and their own personality. If the questioner is unable to confront these issues directly, it may prove challenging for them to implement changes. When engaging with others, it is recommended to be transparent and candid about one's feelings and thoughts.

It is imperative to develop effective strategies for navigating interpersonal conflicts, rather than allowing the influence of one's family of origin to impede this process. Such an approach is detrimental to interpersonal interactions.

It is advisable to concentrate on the most pressing issue at hand.

What is the question that is currently the source of the greatest distress for the questioner? The questioner may wish to consider writing down on a piece of paper the issues they wish to address and then identify the problems they need to solve.

Subsequently, one should prioritize the significance of issues based on their subjective assessment to ascertain the most pressing and critical challenge currently at hand.

Once the most pressing issue has been identified, it is essential to ascertain whether it can be resolved independently. In the event that this is not feasible, it is crucial to determine whether external assistance is available. Additionally, it is vital to explore the potential resources within one's immediate vicinity that could facilitate the resolution of the problem.

One may attempt to facilitate a discussion with friends to ascertain whether there are any potential avenues for assisting the questioner in resolving this issue.

Please enumerate the most unfavorable potential outcomes.

It is important to identify the potential negative outcomes of the situation and to consider which of these the questioner finds most unacceptable. A comprehensive list should be compiled and a review conducted to ascertain whether any coping strategies exist or whether the questioner is unable to accept these outcomes.

In lieu of ruminating on potential future scenarios, it would be more beneficial for the questioner to develop a response strategy and prepare themselves to face the challenges that may arise in the future. When confronted with these challenges, they will be better equipped to respond in a manner that aligns with their strategy. This approach may help mitigate the severity of the questioner's anxiety.

In order to achieve a positive outcome, it is essential to confront one's true self and strive for personal growth. Only through this process can an individual hope to attain a favorable life trajectory.

It is recommended that the questioner engage in physical activity.

Due to the influence of the original family, the questioner may experience significant interpersonal conflict or a lack of clear boundaries in their mode of getting along with others, which can also easily lead the questioner to fall into negative emotional states. An effective method for resisting such emotions is to engage in physical activity. If the goal is to overcome these negative emotions and promote positive affect, then it is recommended to engage in physical activity in an outdoor setting, where one can benefit from the natural environment and the associated benefits of fresh air and sunshine.

Regular exercise has been shown to have a beneficial effect on mental health. It increases blood circulation, providing the brain with an increased supply of oxygen, which in turn leads to feelings of comfort. This process relieves tension in the nervous system. Furthermore, exercise releases a substance in the brain that has been linked to feelings of happiness. This positive feeling can be experienced after exercise, which may encourage individuals to use exercise as a means of alleviating negative emotions.

It is recommended that you seek the guidance of a qualified professional in the field of psychology.

Should the aforementioned methods prove ineffective, it may be beneficial to seek the guidance of a professional psychologist. These professionals can be found and consulted to discuss the impact of one's family of origin on their personal development, their interpersonal style, the challenges they face in their relationships with others, and their desired changes.

With the assistance of a counselor, the individual will gradually develop the capacity to disengage from the influence of their family of origin, rectify detrimental aspects, and foster a more positive and assured existence.

It is my hope that this response will prove beneficial to the questioner.

Hello! I'm Qu Huidong, a psychological counselor who loves using imagery to communicate.

Go ahead and answer your question!

I'm so excited to give you a big thumbs up for being brave enough to say, "Every time I understand myself a little bit, I feel like there's something wrong with me again. This pain, this feeling, is really painful."

Confronting problems and solving them inevitably involves suffering. But it's a small price to pay for growth and a new beginning! It's also the birth of creative insights.

Being highly sensitive is a wonderful thing! It allows you to quickly detect other people's emotions and respond appropriately. You may also choose to suppress your own emotions, which is a great way to take care of yourself.

If you choose to stay in your "comfort zone," you can indeed avoid some trouble and conflict for the time being. But if you choose to suppress the conflict within you, it will surely bring about an even greater backlash. You are also overwhelmed by this inner strength.

You've seen the problem and you're ready to reconcile with yourself! But, let's be honest, past experiences have set up a few obstacles along the way. But, and this is the exciting part, these obstacles are also opportunities to promote your personal independence!

In the past, you relied on other people's emotions and projected your own needs onto them. Now it's time to confirm your own heart and trust your own understanding and experience!

And when you start to empathize with others again, you might as well ask yourself: What is my need for doing so?

Is it to be recognized? To be seen? Absolutely!

Or is it just for the other person?

Does all emotion trigger your empathy, or just a specific type of emotion?

In other words, it's like we have to bait the hook first, so that the fish will be more likely to bite. The bait you use is the repressed complexes, and the important thing is to deal with your complexes. It's a great feeling when you finally do it!

And the great news is that you can deal with your complexes! But you have to be willing to do it. If you don't, they'll just keep getting worse.

A 100-year-old psychologist was once asked in an interview whether he still had complexes after so many years of analysis. He replied with a smile: "Of course I still have them, but I have learned to move around them!"

Now, back to the previous question: Is it worth persevering when understanding yourself is so painful? Absolutely!

Absolutely!

I highly recommend seeking psychological counseling, having someone to share your pain with, and learning to establish new relationships. Your life will be more autonomous and independent!

Wishing you all the best!

Hello, I am Fei Niao and Yun, the quality answer master. I have carefully read the words you wrote, and I feel that you may be suffering because you have a lot of conflicts. For example, you have a keen insight into yourself, and there are aspects you approve of and aspects you don't. You want to pay attention to your feelings but are afraid of hurting others. You also want to understand yourself better, but this leads to self-negation.

It is true that confusion and bewilderment can make us feel miserable and at a loss. However, there is some good news: you have already begun to grow and become more rational and mature.

It might be helpful to allow the healthy development of sensitivity to support you in life.

1. Sensitivity is a gift. Interacting with people or the world requires a certain level of insight into people and the environment.

As the book "The Happiness Checklist for Highly Sensitive People" suggests, sensitivity may be a key factor in perceiving happiness.

2. It's possible that your insecure upbringing made you especially yearn for a friendly atmosphere. You mentioned your experience, which may make you feel that you only feel safe when others are happy and calm.

It is therefore understandable that you might develop an attitude that is overly concerned with other people's attitudes and emotions. You may benefit from some healing or new positive experiences to renew your psychological experience.

It could be said that understanding oneself is a form of self-awakening.

1. Perhaps the most effective way to live and make choices is to understand oneself. By understanding oneself, one can gain insight into one's preferences and needs, develop a personal set of values, recognize one's individuality, and embrace oneself. This understanding can then inform rational self-growth and development, allowing one to make confident decisions.

2. It would be beneficial to try to understand yourself as well as others.

As Mo Yan insightfully observed, a deep understanding of oneself is the foundation for truly grasping the nuances of others. When we don't fully comprehend our own selves, our perception of others tends to be influenced by our subjective perspectives. If our inner needs remain unmet, it's natural for us to have high expectations of the external world, including the desire for others to align with our views and understand our experiences.

I believe that true empathy and compassion mean that we can try to stand in the shoes of others and understand how they feel. If we can't even perceive our own feelings, it might be more challenging to perceive the feelings of others.

It would be beneficial to maintain a balance between taking care of yourself and taking care of others.

1. It is important to recognize that relationships between people require a certain degree of distance.

If I might ask, what do you mean by "violent conflicts"? I believe that being overly concerned about yourself can sometimes result in you ignoring others, and conversely, that being overly concerned about others can sometimes make you feel bad about yourself.

Could you please clarify whether this applies to many people or just a few? How do you manage your relationships with other people? It would also be helpful to understand how you maintain the distance you have with different people.

2. Your perceptions and values may play a role in determining the distance you choose to maintain with someone.

Many choices are influenced by one's values. How do you feel about allocating your energy to different people? Or, perhaps, what kind of person do you feel more comfortable being?

Your ability to perceive also plays a role in how you understand a person or a matter. For instance, how might we define "pleasing" in this context?

Could you please explain what it means to take care of other people's feelings? I would also be grateful if you could clarify what it means to be yourself.

And so on.

It might be helpful to let confusion lead us to think about life.

It is precisely because of the conflicting and painful feelings that we will think about what is going on. It would be beneficial for us to try to keep ourselves rational and not let the pain overwhelm us.

You may wish to consider learning and growing in different ways, such as thinking for yourself, watching movies and reading books, studying psychology, asking for help from others or a psychologist, etc. This could help you to develop the ability and wisdom to solve your suffering. You may find that you feel stronger within yourself and that changes occur in your life.

I hope I can offer you something to reflect on.