Should others develop in the direction I desire, or else I cannot bear it?

Hug the poster! That's great. You have this awareness, and that's already the first step towards change!

The questioner mentioned that "others should develop in the direction I want, otherwise it would be too bad and intolerable." This is a wrong belief, but there's a better way!

It's a simple fact: nobody and nothing in this world is subject to our will. So why do we feel angry about it?

In fact, the shortcomings of others are because we cannot accept our own imperfections—and that's okay!

It can be tough to change our own shortcomings, but it's so worth it! Sometimes, it's easier to transfer those self-accusations to others.

Let's explore this further! Why are these shortcomings one's own and not those of others?

Once you're aware of your own problems, you can start to work on them! And that means you can stop projecting your issues onto others.

Have you ever wondered why someone who is always late feels an unusual anger towards another person who is also late?

When someone always sees the faults of others, it's because they see their own faults but can't accept them. This is a great opportunity to work on accepting yourself!

And here's another thing: anger is also an expression of one's own weakness.

We can choose to be angry, or we can choose to be calm. It's up to us! If we can change these things and be stronger, our emotions will be calm. We can use our strength to hide our inner weakness, or we can use it to empower ourselves.

You'll always see some people lose their temper, but here's the thing: they're actually timid about many things. So, they arm themselves with anger to make themselves look strong.

So, how can we become more and more at ease?

First, the questioner can cultivate the ability to see beauty!

Once your attention is diverted, your perspective will change!

We can turn our attention to the beautiful scenery or people around us, and focus on the good things in life to cheer ourselves up!

Find the things in life that make you happy and be good at noticing the good things!

Second, change your beliefs! Everyone is OK!

The amazing thing is that everyone who is able to come to this world has already experienced some competition. The sperm raced to be able to unite with an egg!

So, let's celebrate the fact that everyone who is able to come to this world is okay!

Each of them has an incredible mission to fulfill, amazing responsibilities to shoulder, and an opportunity to live up to this life they have competed for!

In this world, there are things that are God's business (like pandemics), other people's business, and your own business!

All we need to do is focus on our own business. We can't control everything, but we can control ourselves!

If everyone took responsibility for themselves, society would be absolutely amazing!

And finally, the most important thing of all: relax the rules on yourself and accept your imperfections!

Everyone wants to be a good person, and we can all be! We all have a good side and a bad side, but we can choose to focus on the good.

Guess what! We can also be timid, cowardly, afraid, anxious, fearful, and even jealous and resentful.

A perfectionist who sets high standards for themselves will be particularly prone to anger — but there's no need to fret!

So, how do you relax the rules for yourself? Let me show you! For example:

"I must never lose my temper" becomes "I can never lose my temper"!

Then change it to "I can lose my temper sometimes."

Then change it to "When I feel uncomfortable, I can lose my temper."

The power of these words is undeniable! You will feel more and more comfortable with yourself as time goes on.

I was blown away by what Gu Ailing's mother said in that interview!

"I used to be so hard on myself, always trying to be perfect. But now I've let go and I love being myself, imperfections and all!"

This is a mother with incredible wisdom who has raised an amazing child!

Loosen up your rules! You don't need to be perfect, you just need to be yourself!

In summary, I really hope the questioner can change their perspective, see the beauty in more people, and also relax the rules for themselves, so that they can accept their own imperfections. You will absolutely find that when your mood is better, everything will get better and better!

Absolutely! There is no one else out there but yourself, isn't that right?

Good morning,

It is widely acknowledged that working with outstanding and good people is beneficial. However, the question remains: where do these individuals originate from?

It is worth noting that individuals who have achieved outstanding results were not necessarily outstanding from the outset. They have consistently demonstrated a capacity for improvement, which has enabled them to become highly proficient. It is therefore surprising to encounter individuals who have significant room for improvement in a collaborative setting, rather than a group of individuals who are already highly proficient from the outset.

I realized that if I allowed my subjective perspective to dominate, I would quickly lose patience and have a greater margin of error in my interpretation of the people I was explaining things to.

To overcome our natural tendency to be self-centered in our approach to tasks, it is essential to develop the ability to objectively evaluate situations. However, it is important to recognize that not every instance of shortcomings requires tolerance and forgiveness.

How can you ascertain this information? It is necessary to consider the individual's starting point and their concept of how tasks should be completed.

In most cases, the people we interact with are simply "good-intentioned individuals who lack the requisite skills." This lack of experience and knowledge can also be attributed to a lack of effective methods for completing tasks.

In dealing with them, it is essential to have an objective assessment of their abilities and provide them with mutual support and guidance. Once there is mutual understanding and a good rhythm is established, issues will not remain unresolved and conflicts will be less likely to arise.

For instance, a group of individuals with limited training were gathered when their supervisor requested that they summarize their work and develop an improvement plan. The information presented was "all kinds" and "disorganized," and the core points were difficult to discern. The supervisor was taken aback. After examining the educational backgrounds of these individuals and aligning them with their cultural context, he was astonished to find significant discrepancies, including "university and elementary school diplomas." Consequently, comprehensive training was provided to these subordinates for the first time, addressing their varying levels of education. The outcome was that everyone could comprehend each other's perspectives, recognize their strengths and weaknesses, and collaborate effectively. There was a renewed sense of mutual understanding and cooperation.

There is also a group of people whose ideas are deeply rooted and cannot be easily changed. These individuals do not belong to the previous situation, where everyone treats each other sincerely. If they find the right approach, they can find a way to work together. They are people who do not like to accept change and are repelled by many new and different ideas. Why is this?

Because change is often seen as a painful process, and remaining in one's comfort zone is seen as a way of avoiding discomfort, there is a tendency to ignore the fact that the most unchanging aspect of the world is change itself.

As the seasons change and plants grow and wither, we can streamline our processes and make more accurate judgments if we adopt a mindset of change.

[Learn to tolerate and seek common ground while reserving differences.]

It is important to recognize that individuals have unique thought processes and that differences can lead to diverse perspectives. By creating an environment that encourages open communication and allows for diverse opinions, we can foster mutual understanding and facilitate effective dialogue. This approach enables everyone to have a voice and contribute to the decision-making process. By doing so, we can collectively move forward in a productive manner.

[Identify the pattern and find a solution]

Different environments foster different types of individuals. There are inherent differences between people, including their backgrounds and philosophies on life. However, what unites us is more powerful than what divides us. When people are studying or seeking employment, they share a common goal. By recognizing this, they can align their efforts and collaborate effectively. This approach not only facilitates problem-solving but also accelerates progress.

It is important to recognize the limitations of a strong personality and learn to maintain a healthy balance.

When there is a high level of anger, who is the most adversely affected?

Ultimately, it is oneself who is affected.

As the source, it is only natural that I will be the first to be violated. Anger is the energy released when we feel threatened or violated. However, if we are the first to be hurt, we will lose the energy to protect ourselves. To protect ourselves, we need to have the ability to balance ourselves, to see where we are too strong, and allow ourselves to slow down first, to see if this matter is really that bad. Is the other person really trying to provoke me, or is it more that the other person is also "unable to help themselves"?

This is an area of vulnerability for the other party.

To achieve this, it is essential to identify and address the negative aspects of our personality, thereby creating a path to improvement.

Best regards,

You can't just change your beliefs by thinking a new thought. You have to change how you feel inside. So, think about how you feel when you see others doing a bad job.

You say you feel angry and disgusted, but these are just secondary feelings. I'm guessing that the original feelings are something like...

One possibility is that when you see someone else struggling, it makes you feel weighed down and powerless. It's like you're reliving your own struggles. You don't want to face those feelings, so you get angry at the person for making you feel that way.

If this is the case, your previous efforts may have been more about avoiding difficulties than consciously transforming yourself. If you are consciously transforming yourself, you will have a clear feeling for every bit of effort you put in and every bit of transformation that corresponds to it. This means you will also have an inner realization of the basic natural law of "no pain, no gain."

So, when you see that someone else isn't working hard enough, you know they won't get the rewards that come with hard work. There's no need to be angry with them.

Another possibility is that you have high expectations of others and expect them to develop in the direction you want, so as to satisfy your needs. When these needs aren't met, you get angry and resentful. This makes it easier to find the reason in yourself: why do you place expectations and demands on other people?

Even if the other person is your stakeholder or someone you need to work with, you also need to think about why you have a stake in them. Do you have similar qualities to them?

In short, once you've taken a look at your own inner feelings and the reasons behind them, your beliefs will naturally adjust.

Zhu Rong Psychology Wang Chunguang

Hello, host. I am confident that my answer will be of great help to you.

From your description, it's clear we're destined to be friends. I used to have similar issues. Many people have these problems and get angry at others' behaviors: angry because their children's studies aren't ideal, angry because their husbands smoke and drink, annoyed because their mothers nag them all the time...

Some chicken soup for the soul says: Don't get angry. Don't punish yourself for other people's mistakes.

But can you just tell anger to go away?

You can't suppress anger. It will only make you angrier. Emotions aren't something you can control.

My biggest takeaway from this period of whale selection learning – the practice list for saving bad emotions – is that there is no such thing as good or bad emotions. Negative emotions also have positive effects, and we cannot help but have negative emotions. Emotions are tools that help us understand ourselves. Through awareness of emotions, we can adjust, understand, and grow ourselves.

When we feel emotions, it means that some of our needs have not been met. We don't need to focus on the emotions themselves or even try to eliminate them completely. Instead, we need to look at the reasons behind the emotions and why we feel them. Through constant awareness of our emotions, we can continue to understand and know ourselves.

For a while, I was always angry when I was with my child doing homework. I would get angry when I saw that he had written badly and done things incorrectly. I soon discovered that my expectations of my child exceeded his abilities. I used a higher standard to measure him, and when he did not meet that standard, I got angry.

After that, I adjusted my expectations, accepted that my child is at his current level, and then patiently guided him in his learning, setting goals that were suitable for his learning level. I quickly realized that I no longer got angry at his performance. Instead, I saw what level he was at, how I could guide him, and where I should place him. I stopped measuring him against my ideal standards.

As a result, the child became increasingly interested in learning, and I was able to remain calm and focused when helping him with his homework.

I still get angry at other things, like when my mother-in-law nags me. I used to think it was her problem because she was always judging me by her standards, but then I realized it was actually my problem because I was always judging her by my standards. I expected her to be a non-nagging mother-in-law and to accept me unconditionally.

However, she is reluctant to do so. She is an independent individual who will not change her ways just because I expect her to.

I adjusted my expectations and accepted her as she is. After that, I got along with her a lot more peacefully.

You and I have made the same discovery: what really makes us angry is not external people and things, but the fact that we keep using our own standards to judge them. When they don't meet our standards, we get angry.

If you expect your husband to be a good provider, a family man, and someone who doesn't smoke, drink, or play mahjong, but he just loves to smoke, drink, and play mahjong, and you've told him countless times that you're concerned about him and want him to lead a healthier life, but he just won't listen, and you two argue about it all the time, and every time, you get so angry, but nothing changes, and instead, your relationship grows more and more distant, then it's time to take control.

We don't understand why our good intentions have resulted in such a situation, and we demand that our husband change to be the way we want him to be.

This is the root cause of our emotions: we are using our own standards to judge him.

However, each of us is an independent individual. We have become who we are due to the combined influence of our respective genetic conditions, growth experiences, educational backgrounds, living environments, etc. If a person does not want to change themselves, it is difficult for us to change them.

"There are only three things in this world: your own affairs, other people's affairs, and the affairs of heaven. The reason people are troubled is because they don't control their own affairs, but worry about other people's affairs and the affairs of heaven."

My husband's behavior and thoughts are his business, and there is nothing we can do to control them. Trying to control them will only cause trouble for you. What you can do is express your concern and adjust your expectations.

Accept him for who he is. Stop demanding that he change to fit your standards. Respect his choices. Show him you care and love him. This will make your relationship more harmonious and stable. Then, change will happen.

I finally understood why I was always angry with other people. I didn't accept them. I used my own standards to judge them!

There are countless examples of this in life. Mothers demand certain standards from their children, wives from their husbands, husbands from their wives, daughters-in-law from their mothers-in-law, and mothers-in-law from their daughters-in-law.

We always have expectations of others, and everyone has expectations of us. But our expectations and the other person's true existence are not necessarily a perfect match. If the other person never wants to change, but we don't adjust our expectations and fail to accept and understand, then we will always be angry with the other person's words and deeds.

Let me be clear: we cannot control the actions and thoughts of others. What we can do is adjust our expectations, let go of the standards and requirements we have for others in our hearts, respect, understand and accept others, and focus our attention on the things we can control. In this way, you will not get angry at others, and you will gain inner peace, ease and tranquility.

You may reference the above at your convenience. Best regards,

Hello. I commend you for taking responsibility. You've noticed your pattern: you get angry when others don't do what you want.

Seeing gives you the right to choose.

Let's hug and see what's bothering you.

Everyone has their own patterns. How to achieve a breakthrough:

As you said, belief.

Our lives are shaped by our past actions and thoughts.

Your thoughts affect your actions.

Your thoughts affect your actions.

Our lives are shaped by our past habits. If you want to change your life for the better, you have to break some of your bad habits.

You want to stop being angry and negative when other people don't act according to your wishes.

Bad habits can't be changed just because you want to. Some habits are stubborn, and the same is true for internal patterns. When you try to change them, there's a countervailing force working against you.

What should you do?

To change, you have to be aware.

Your current life is shaped by past thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. If you're unhappy with your current situation, try changing these patterns. You'll be surprised at how your life changes when you make some changes.

People won't change unless they feel love. When they do, they'll make a new choice and change will happen. The key is seeing it and accepting it.

After seeing, add a little gratitude, and life will naturally improve. The right way to change is to "see." Accept and thank these patterns because they have helped you in the past. Instead of resisting, criticizing, or even blaming them, you will make them feel your love, and they will make new choices. Then change can easily and naturally happen.

Seeing is acting. We create new results by acting.

2. See what your unmet needs are behind the emotions.

There is no such thing as a good or bad emotion. Emotions protect us. Anger, for example, helps us set boundaries and avoid being hurt.

The problem you mentioned, "Others should develop in the direction I want," also leads to anger. This is a kind of "control."

Control is trying to make someone do what you want.

Control is about satisfying personal wishes and manipulating relationships. It can destroy them. Reflect on your own "manipulation" in relationships. What need is it fulfilling? To feel more secure? To be respected? To assert your authority?

Control is about keeping the other person under your control. It uses up your energy.

Good controls and bad controls exist. Traffic lights and the law protect the public. We must learn to adapt.

Bad control is about satisfying personal wishes and manipulating relationships.

Think about how you manipulate others. What do you want? To feel more secure? To be respected? To show your authority?

Ask yourself what other ways you can satisfy this need.

There are always more than three solutions. Being aware is the first step.

I hope this helps you. I love you.

I hope this helps. I love you.

Click "Find a coach" to continue communicating. I will communicate and grow with you one-on-one.