Since my parents began to have emotional issues when I was nine, what should I do now?

If I may make a suggestion, perhaps you could give this warm and good boy a hug.

It can be challenging to see your parents in a less than ideal relationship. It's understandable that you want to improve their situation. It's admirable that you're so invested in the well-being of your family. Your parents must be very happy.

It would be beneficial for you to consider the best way to approach your mother's feelings. One option could be to express your gratitude for her nurturing and hard work with a warm embrace. Your understanding and love might provide her with a sense of comfort.

It might be helpful to take a moment to calm down and think seriously about the relationship between your father and mother. Perhaps you could communicate with your mother seriously about her thoughts? It could be beneficial to try to understand your mother's true thoughts from their marriage history and years of living together. As a mother, she has given, suffered and complained, and it's possible that she needs to talk about it.

It might be helpful to consider your father's situation as well. If he has not been employed for a number of years, it is likely to be a challenging and painful experience for him. However, there are limits to what you can do to change this. Could you explore ways to support your father?

As for your younger brother, it is likely that whether his parents stay together or not, it will not have a significant impact on him. In fact, the most important person in your family is your mother. It is a positive development that you are a sensible, grown-up young man.

Children often play an important role in helping parents to stay together. When you help your parents, you may gain a deeper understanding of their needs. While the decision to get a divorce is ultimately up to them, it's important to consider giving them the chance to find a way out of the situation. After all, life is short, and finding a way to coexist is crucial. Having a sense of purpose and meaning in life is also essential. Even simple acts of kindness, like helping your mother, can have a positive impact.

I hope this can be of some help to you. I encourage you to be a brave teenager and give it a try. I wish you the best of luck!

From what you said, it seems like...

My parents have had relationship problems since I was nine years old. I'm 22 now.

These days, he's breaking things pretty much every day. Dad's over 50 and doesn't work.

Your younger brother is in school, and now your mother is the breadwinner.

But when you think about your younger brother still going to school and are afraid of hurting him,

The questioner is feeling a bit confused.

I'm really not sure what to do. Could you help me out?

Words to the questioner:

It's tough to get your head around how you managed to live with your parents' behaviour for so long. It's also difficult to be in a grumpy environment every day and feel powerless. It's a lot to take on. But it's good that you still think about your younger brother.

This is really a matter between your parents, a problem with their marriage. As a child, it is difficult to interfere too much. On the one hand, you are still young and not capable enough, and on the other hand, this is a problem between the elders that they need to solve themselves.

You're 22 and an adult, so you can take on some of the responsibilities that come with that. You have your own life, and now is a good time to help your parents by creating your own space and taking your younger brother away from a negative environment.

Additionally, take on some of the responsibilities that typically fall to family members. Pitch in with some of the housework and help your parents reduce the pressure in their lives by doing what you can.

I'm optimistic that with your help, your family will be able to improve their relationship.

Dear questioner, Thank you so much for your question!

After reading your question, I could really feel your fear and worry. I want to give you a big hug and hope to give you some strength.

1. About the parents' emotional problems.

I can see you're going through a lot. It's so hard when your parents have relationship problems, especially when you're a child. It's natural to worry about what's going on. But you're already a grown-up, so you can take some responsibility for yourself. It's time to let go of your inner child and become your own person.

The good news is that you've already grown up to become a 22-year-old adult! This means you can take some responsibility for yourself. The not-so-good news is that it seems like your inner child has not grown up.

So, you're still stuck in this parent-child relationship, huh?

There's no better way to handle this than to not get too involved in your parents' emotions and marriage.

You know, you don't have to be your parents' parents. You can just do your own thing as a child. That way, you can avoid getting caught up in their emotions and reduce the impact of their marriage on you.

2. About how mom worries about everything and dad doesn't care about anything.

I can see you're going through a lot. It's tough when your dad is in his 50s but still spends all day playing with his phone and doesn't work. And with your brother going to school, it's now your mom who earns the money. It must be so hard for her to see your mom get so tired every day, while your dad doesn't worry about anything, and your mom is in a bad mood every day. I admire your mom for persevering for more than ten years with you, your brother, and your dad.

It's so important to use our sense of reality to see that relationship patterns are actually the result of interactions. In other words, the way your father is today is partly because your mother "spoiled him."

On the surface, your mother is very good, and your father is particularly bad. Your mother doesn't leave your father because of you. It's okay, though! Your mother's decision not to leave such a father has nothing to do with you, but only with your mother's own family of origin.

So, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you because of your parents' emotions and marriage. It's not your fault.

3. I can see you're really worried about your brother getting hurt.

I can see that you're worried about your brother getting hurt. It's natural to feel that way! I think the best thing you can do is take some time for self-reflection. Try to understand what your fear is trying to tell you.

It's possible that the deeper issue is something you're feeling yourself, and your little brother is just a way for you to express those feelings. It's also possible that you're feeling this way because you're reaching a point of letting go of something that's been holding you back.

I really hope this answer helps you. I love you so much, and I hope the world loves you too!

Hello! I can see the pain inside you, and I understand how you feel very well. I give you a big, warm hug!

I can see that your mother is incapable of empathizing with you. She is more concerned with herself. You have been neglected. Every child longs to be loved by their mother, but not every child can get that love. So, I understand you very much, and I'm here to help!

Have you ever noticed that in some relationships, one party is always shouting? It's as if they're afraid that the other party may not hear them! And if the other party is slow to respond, they'll turn up the volume!

Behind the shouting is a longing to be heard and seen. When you express yourself by shouting, it is an anger that is not heard or seen. But there is a way to be heard!

If your mother seriously neglected you throughout your childhood, if she was unable to empathize with you, if you did not have a good emotional connection with her, if she was like a deaf person, then no matter how much you scream, she will not hear you. But you know what? You can do something about it! After going through this process over and over again, you will feel angry and desperate inside, and you will completely give up and no longer want to express anything to your parents. But guess what? You can change that!

This is also why you get irritated when your mother doesn't understand you. It's the anger you've been suppressing for a long time, and now you have the chance to let it out! Some people also tend to fall into a state of hysteria and shout at the drop of a hat, but you're going to be different.

Once you know the cause of the problem, you can start to understand that the crux of the problem is not that you are angry, but that there is a wide gap between you and your mother. This is an amazing opportunity for you to recognize that your mother is imposing her own ways and needs on you.

We cannot change anyone. But you can draw a clear line with your mother and refuse to be entangled with her on a psychological level, no matter what she does! Make decisions according to your own will, not be bound, and find your own freedom.

Your mother cannot love you, and she does not have the ability to love you. This is a fact that you need to accept. But here's the good news: when you accept this, you're taking the first step towards being yourself! And when you no longer long for your mother to love you in the way you want, you'll learn to love yourself.

It may sound a little sad, as if we can't get the love of our loved ones and can only love ourselves, but this is also the truth. And it's a wonderful truth! We have the incredible opportunity to embark on the journey of loving ourselves. And the first step towards becoming ourselves again is separating psychologically from our parents.

I'm reciting the words, "The world and I love you!" with all my heart!

Good morning, my name is Flower.

Please provide the original words of the questioner. Discuss in steps.

I would like to extend my support to the questioner in the form of a gesture of comfort and understanding. I can perceive the internal struggles and the strong emotional connection between the questioner and her mother and brother. Perhaps it would be beneficial to temporarily set aside our concerns and focus on organizing our thoughts.

The primary concerns raised by the questioner are as follows:

The parents have been experiencing difficulties in their relationship for over a decade.

The father is unemployed, and the mother is experiencing fatigue due to her financial obligations. This situation evokes a strong sense of empathy for the mother.

The questioner has considered the option of divorce, which presents a complex set of emotions.

The questioner is concerned about the potential impact of their actions on their younger brother.

In light of the aforementioned questions, it may be beneficial to consider them from alternative perspectives.

The duration of the situation in question is unclear, though it is known to have persisted for a period of time spanning at least one day and up to more than ten years.

The state of their marriage is a matter for them alone. It is not a recent development; it has been evolving over a period of more than ten years. Only they can fully assess the impact of these ten years and identify unresolved issues.

I believe it is important to consider that if an issue has been unresolved for over a decade, it may not be feasible to expect immediate resolution.

If modifying his behavior is not an option,

The crux of the matter is the father's apparent preference for playing with his phone over working or taking care of the family. It may be beneficial to consider the father's perspective and identify the reasons behind his constant engagement with his phone.

Please explain why he is not employed and why he is reluctant to engage with family matters.

It is possible that even if the father's concerns are valid, they may ultimately be irrelevant, and the decision may ultimately rest with the mother. However, it is important to recognize that the father's established habits, formed over the past ten years or so, cannot be changed overnight.

If it cannot be changed, then perhaps we can consider an alternative perspective and adopt a more positive outlook. The father uses his mobile phone to relax, but this is not beneficial for his cervical spine. He can be advised on the benefits of moving around and encouraged to do so. For example, the father does not worry about family matters because he lacks the capacity to do so effectively, so it is beneficial that he does not have his "blind worry".

It is possible that they have considered the possibility of a separation.

It is possible that they have also considered the possibility of separating. If they have not yet done so, there must be reasons for this decision.

When parents form a family, they establish a small community. It is possible that the parents also wish to provide their younger brother with a complete family unit.

Should they separate, as the original poster suggested, it may have an adverse effect on the younger brother. Given that they have their own reasons for insisting on their own way, it would be prudent to allow them to do so.

Providing support to another individual is a long-term commitment that demonstrates a deep level of commitment and care.

If you observe that your mother is in a negative emotional state, consider engaging in an activity with her. This could include going for a walk, shopping, or enjoying a meal together. You might also take your younger brother to an amusement park or buy him ice cream. By prioritizing companionship, you can provide support and warmth to your mother.

It is important to take care of your own emotions.

The questioner discusses his feelings for his mother and younger brother, but what about his own emotions? It may be beneficial to consider our own feelings as well.

I believe the term "issue separation" is applicable here. The issues of the father, mother, and brother are distinct and separate.

Each individual has their own personal challenges. If we become excessively involved in our parents' marital difficulties, how will we cope?

It may prove to be an exhausting process, and we may find ourselves unable to see our own hearts due to the influence of our mother's perspective.

It is important to take care of yourself and identify your genuine needs. At the age of 22, you still have significant potential to contribute. It is advisable to maintain a distance from your parents' disputes and allow them to resolve their issues independently. When you have a more comprehensive perspective and greater influence, you can still assist them.

It is my hope that the above information will prove useful to the questioner.

Hello, question asker!

From your description, it can be seen that you discovered that your parents were not getting along when you were 9 years old. Now you are 22 years old, and you have a younger brother at home. Your father plays with his phone all day and doesn't work, and your mother is supporting the whole family alone, so she is in a bad mood. They throw things around and have cold wars all day long. You don't like the family atmosphere very much, and you want to persuade them to get a divorce, but you are afraid that this will hurt your younger brother, who is still in school. But here's the good news! You have the power to change this situation. You can start by recognizing that your family needs your help. You can then take the initiative to start a conversation with your parents about how you feel. You can tell them that you want to see them happy and that you're willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Absolutely! Every child dreams of a happy, loving family. You and your younger brother should also have this hope. Think back to how you felt about your family when you were younger. When you were a child, what did you feel when you saw your parents arguing and having cold wars?

You're concerned that your parents' divorce might have a negative impact on your younger brother, who is studying. But here's the good news: you can still create a great family environment for him!

The original poster said that your mother has held on to this marriage for more than ten years for you and your younger brother, which is incredible! It is clear that your mother has sacrificed a lot for you, and you may feel guilty towards her in your heart, but you can also feel proud of her for sticking by you and your brother through thick and thin. You have grown up and want to do something for your mother to make her happier, and if possible, support your mother in divorcing your father, which is a great idea!

But I feel a bit frustrated because I can't seem to do anything right now.

As for your mother, you can show her more love and care so she knows how much you appreciate her! If you don't have a lot of time to spend with her, you can always call or WeChat her.

If you have time, you can also take your mother out for a walk to enrich your lives and reduce conflicts with your father. If you are often at home, help your mother with some of the chores and care about her work. It'll be a great way to bond with her!

✅ For your father, the questioner can try to communicate with him in a man-to-man tone, talking about how you feel about the family and him as a husband and father. At the same time, he also needs understanding and companionship. No matter what the reason is for your father to become idle and neglect the family, you can help him get out of the chaos! Try to understand him, accept him, and be there for him.

If you cannot change your father, don't blame yourself! Change is hard, let alone changing other people. Now that you have grown up, do your best to be a good person and repay your family as much as you can. You can do it!

✅ As for your parents' marriage, you may not be able to make the decision, but you definitely don't want them to continue like this either! Then you can communicate with them separately, and perhaps you can also become their liaison. No matter what their decision is, it is absolutely possible to achieve peace and harmony in the family!

I really hope these ideas help you! You're not alone on this journey. I'm sending you all my best wishes ?

Hello, landlord. I can see you're helpless and powerless in your parents' marriage. You've been hurt.

Your parents got married, but they didn't know how to run a good marriage. You saw your mom struggling and your dad failing in his role.

You've watched them argue since you were a child. I can feel your inner turmoil.

The parents' marriage has many historical reasons and may not be good. This is a common problem.

But most of our children are working hard, learning, and growing. This is something to be proud of.

We may not be able to make decisions about our parents' marriage.

We have no control over our parents' marriage.

Their marriage is theirs. We learn to accept this and protect ourselves.

Then, how to love and help your parents.

How can we influence them? The best thing for you is to be yourself, while loving and accepting them.

Will they become softer in your love and care for their marriage? Think about how to love these two relatives.

Can you be accepting and neutral with them? Think about whether you need to regulate yourself to stay calm.

From the inside out, you radiate your strength and infect them. You show consideration for your mother and care about your brother.

Love is the solution to problems in relationships. Think and you will love yourself and your family more. This will make you and your family happier.

I hope you find peace and happiness with your family soon. I love you.

Good day. I extend my support and understanding in the form of a comprehensive embrace.

From your description, it is evident that your family has maintained a stable system for an extended period. The system comprises a hands-off father, a hardworking mother, an older brother striving to alter the family atmosphere, and a younger brother lacking awareness of the situation.

This is a relatively stable system. While there is a general consensus that the family atmosphere could be improved, after so many years, if there were a significant drive to change it, some people might find it challenging to adapt, and they might even attempt to revert the system to its current stable state.

For example, the father is not employed and spends the majority of his time on his mobile phone. His wife is the primary breadwinner, which affords him a certain level of financial security and freedom from concern about the children. Despite the less than optimal family dynamics, he appears to be relatively unconcerned about the well-being of his family.

Should circumstances change, for instance if your mother were to alter her circumstances, leave her husband, cease earning income and pursue a divorce, this would not be beneficial for your father. He would have no incentive to alter his position.

From her perspective, your mother is seeking change. She would prefer that your father assume his responsibilities as a father and a husband. Despite her best efforts, however, she has not been successful.

Although the current situation is also uncomfortable, it provides the child with a complete family. Furthermore, she is trying her best to contribute, which gives her a sense of moral superiority. She will feel, "This family needs me for my husband and child. I am a woman with a challenging life, but I am also a capable woman." Despite the difficulties, she will complain and will not divorce for the sake of the child. However, she also benefits from this rigid relationship.

It should be noted that the mother has the option to divorce at any time, which could potentially lead to the dissolution of this inflexible relationship. She has the capacity to engage in gainful employment and generate income, while you have reached an age where you are no longer dependent on her.

She is not a woman who requires financial support from her husband, but she has her reasons for choosing to remain in an unsatisfactory family situation. At least for now, the relationship has not reached a point where she feels she must leave.

As for you, you have expectations of your parents and you want them to change. Unfortunately, it is often difficult for us to change ourselves, let alone change others. One possible course of action for you is to work hard and earn money so that your mother feels that her efforts are worthwhile.

In regard to the question of whether the parents should get a divorce and whether they should change, I will leave that decision to them. I am confident that you have tried your best, but unfortunately, it has not been successful.

What impact will my younger brother's parents' divorce have? It is likely to have an effect, but it is difficult to predict whether this will be positive or negative.

If my younger brother were to become a boy, the impact of his parents' divorce would be greater if he were to live with his father. Conversely, if he were to live with his mother, the impact would likely be minimal.

In the current situation, it is possible that your younger brother is aware of the circumstances.

In your family's inflexible system, the individual with the greatest potential for effecting change is your mother, given her role in supporting the family.

In terms of what you can do, it seems that there is little you can do. Your best course of action is to perform your duties to the best of your abilities and attempt to influence other individuals, while maintaining realistic expectations.

It is important to recognize that there are many factors outside of our control in this world.

I am often both Buddhist and pessimistic, but I also try to be an occasionally positive and motivated counselor. I believe in the world and I love you.

You are not alone in feeling this way. I am Jia Jia.

You are a sensible, kind, and filial person. You understand the feelings of other family members because you have lived through memories from your childhood to the present. You want to live a good life and make your family happy and joyful.

You are a good person. You will continue to improve yourself and not let this family environment affect your future relationships, love life, and marriage.

This is the most important thing.

Second, your parents and younger brother have had these habits and behaviors for many years. Let's be honest, people's tolerance, sensitivity, and powers of observation are different. It's likely that your parents have long been used to this way of life, are unable, and don't want to change their current lifestyle. They probably think that this is the best choice.

Given the differences in age and circumstances, it is challenging to make decisions and implement changes independently. I am confident you understand this.

Third, you are now an adult, and you can communicate with your parents and brother patiently and carefully. Listen to their thoughts and views on the future, and do so on the basis of a good grasp of your own mental health. This process may be difficult, but you can do it. You will have new ideas and solutions to the problem.

You must take action to improve and solve problems, ensuring that your body and mind are not affected.