So far, I am unmarried, immature, and an inner child with fears. What should I do if I don't deserve to be loved?

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun.

I understand how you feel. Your family didn't care for you. You were hurt by your father and mother. You didn't get love and care. You also suffered violence. You got used to staying in a "castle." You were worried and afraid of the outside world. You didn't trust people. You got used to pleasing others.

You think you're safe only if you trust your parents.

They live in fear.

My dear child, I hug you from afar. It's not your fault. Some parents don't know how to love and protect their children.

"What doesn't kill me makes me stronger." You are an adult now and can support yourself. Let's look at the problem and the solution:

? 1. Where does fear come from?

Your childhood was unfortunate and traumatic. It made you insecure and undermined your independence.

When we were young, our parents gave us a sense of security. If you scold your child a lot, they will lose this sense of security and think they are worthless.

When they become adults, they bring this lack of security into intimate relationships, which are unstable and unhealthy. Someone who lacks a sense of security looks for food wherever they can find it.

He'll eat anything. You can't find a good man.

People seek love and security, but don't get it from others.

2. How to move on from your original family

You can't change what happened, but you can choose. You are the master of your life.

Many people have had similar experiences. Tara, the author of "Fly Like a Bird to Your Mountain," suffered severe suppression and control by her father until she was 15. She achieved a reversal in her life through her studies.

As adults, we can be our own friends and give ourselves the love and support we need to grow.

My dear, there's always the pain of not getting what you want when you seek it outside. Being cheated on is worse.

For now, put aside the desire to interact with the opposite sex and focus on healing. You can do this by keeping a mindfulness or emotional diary to track your mood. The more you write, the more you'll understand your patterns.

Professional counseling can help heal childhood trauma.

My dear, you are a life worth living. You deserve better. Live your life to the fullest.

I hope this helps you and the world. I love you.

To keep talking, click "Find a coach" in the top right or bottom. I'll chat with you one-on-one.

Hi, how are you?

Your description has the answers.

The answer is simple: love yourself, value yourself, and find your own strength. This is a common answer, but unfortunately, it applies in most cases.

Your reasons come from your family of origin. This has led to a sense of powerlessness and fear in your current life. You have engaged in avoidance behaviors to seek familiar security and control. These behaviors and perceptions have formed a closed loop. The more you repeat your previous life and choices, the more inner unease will be reinforced.

If you want to be strong and powerful, you have to start treating yourself well.

You need to recharge and empower yourself.

Connect with your inner child.

Start communicating with your inner child now. Try the mirror exercise (available online and proven effective).

You need to see yourself and accept yourself as you are. You can also choose your own way to see the wounded child within. Try to embrace, listen to, satisfy, or release her. Make amends for her.

This part is important because you are connecting with yourself. It will help you understand your thoughts and heal some wounds.

Dealing with emotions

Let go of your emotions. Repressed emotions can be damaging. The subconscious mind absorbs most of this pain, which is why humans don't collapse.

Digging deep within yourself can be painful, but every low point is a chance to improve. I recommend the original Sheng Dona release method, which I've tested and found effective.

Changing perceptions

Brainwashing is useful, especially if you don't have a professional's blessing. But there is a problem, especially if you don't have the blessing of a professional (although a professional is not necessary, and self-transformation always requires your own permission).

You need to do this yourself, which means you will probably face self-conflict. How can someone who thinks they are terrible suddenly believe in their own worth?

You can change your own perception of yourself without changing your old environment. Just keep at it.

Another way is to think of 100 good things about yourself.

Behavioral aspects

If you can, get rid of bad surroundings.

The second point is to change your behavior. It's hard when you think you're worthless.

Fear stops us from taking big steps.

If you fail, it may make you feel worse. You can start small, change your habits, and build confidence. When facing failure, remember you're on the path to growth.

5. Motivation

This is about creating motivation and incentives for yourself.

For example, imagine who you want to be and what you want to achieve in one year or three years. You need to have your own goal to make you willing to take that small step.

The last tip is a bonus.

All these methods work, but you have to persevere. Don't let reality defeat you. You can do it.

Your growth depends on your choices. I have seen people who are stagnant, and it's not always because of a lack of methods.

They lack the courage to change. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Try new things.

Don't let this become a burden. Stick to a short-term goal. Allow yourself to change slowly.

People are always willing to believe in themselves, even if they think they are not good. This makes self-exploration and experience useful.

Best wishes!