The father is paranoid and grumpy, often arguing with the mother at home, on the verge of divorce

Hugs to you, sweet poster!

The 40s and 50s are a time that can really test the endurance and character of both parties in a marriage. From what you've told me, it seems that your parents' communication style is simple and rude. The fact that they can still argue and that there is no cold violence means that the marriage is still salvageable, and you don't need to worry too much. You have a younger sister who is in junior high school, which is a critical stage of adolescence. I can understand how you feel about your family.

You've already thought of every way a young person your age could think of to help reconcile your parents' relationship. However, your mother is not well educated and cannot communicate effectively with your father. Your father is sensitive, biased, suspicious, and rude. This is not your responsibility, my dear. Your responsibility is to live a good college life and find your own happiness.

This is not selfishness, it's just self-preservation. You should take care of yourself before helping others, and I know you will!

So, in this situation, what can you do to make yourself less anxious and less concerned about your parents' marital relationship?

1. Go to bed early, get up early, exercise, and study hard. It's so important to take care of yourself first, so you can be the best possible version of yourself for those you love.

2. It's important to develop your own interests and hobbies, such as playing ball, swimming, playing chess, playing go, singing, dancing, or participating in university club activities. This can help you to distract yourself and pay less attention to your parents' marital relationship. As their child, it's best not to get involved in the management of their marriage.

3. Show your younger sister some extra love and attention. She'll really appreciate it! With poor parent-child relations, your younger sister is the one who will suffer the most. She's at a critical period in her life, facing many challenges. The love and warmth you give her may benefit her for life.

In a nutshell, your parents' business is their business. If you can do your own thing well and help your sister grow up successfully at the same time, you'll be doing great! Finally, I'd like to leave you with this: time is amazing! It can give you all the answers!

Hello! I'm Huang Xiaolu!

It's clear to me that you're a kind and considerate child, and I'm sure your parents are very proud of you! From what you've told me, you have a few established views on your parents and your family:

1. Father is short-tempered, mother has a low level of education, the two don't share the same interests, and they rarely communicate. So, you feel that the emotional foundation of your parents is not solid. But, there's so much potential for growth and improvement!

2. The two of them often argue, and may even mention divorce from time to time. They are unhappy together, but it doesn't seem like they are going to separate. You feel anxious, but you don't know how to improve the current situation. There's so much potential for growth here!

3. Even though your parents' relationship might not be perfect, you know they love you and you love them too! You're not going to let your family break up because you know your parents will always love you as much as they do now.

4. There is a younger sister in the family, and you really hope that she can live a happy, easy life at home. Regarding the current situation of your parents, you feel that your younger sister's life is a bit challenging, but if your parents divorce, you feel that your younger sister's life will be even more exciting!

But from what you have described, I feel that it is more of your observations and guesses. In fact, it seems that you have not really communicated with your parents to understand their thoughts — which is totally understandable!

It feels like your care is a kind of silent attention, communicating with yourself and making assumptions. So the best way to solve your current anxiety is to focus on two key points!

1. It's time to express your needs and let your parents take care of their own affairs!

1. Figure out what you really want! Do you want your parents to stay together? Absolutely!

Your parents love you, and your family is harmonious!

2. Your father's situation has changed in a big way! If you can, talk to him alone. Find out what he wants from the family. Find out what he's afraid of.

3. Your parents' divorce is not your concern. What you can do is show them how much you appreciate all they've done together after so many years of marriage. They've raised you to be such a loving daughter and have shown they care about each other so much.

4. It's clear that mom and dad care about each other in many ways, but they may not always express it in the same way. Why does dad care about mom's whereabouts? If he doesn't care, he simply doesn't need to worry about it. Indifference is the greatest harm.

Guess what! Mom doesn't usually like to go for walks, but she often accompanies Dad on his.

5. If Dad's personality and mood change a lot, it's a great idea to check in with your doctor to make sure everything is physically and mentally A-OK! You can also take Mom and Dad for a physical examination to make sure everything is running smoothly.

2. Go do something awesome!

Anxiety is most likely to occur when we are indecisive and constantly thinking about the pain, but also worrying about something not happening when something does happen. But don't worry! The best solution is to do something!

No matter how much this action can solve the problem that is causing you pain, as long as we do it, it can relieve anxiety. So, go for it! You can ask your sister-in-law for help, or you can talk to your sister and see what to say.

Let's dive right in and get started!

So, we transform that pesky anxiety that lingers in our thoughts into practical, action-oriented steps! We don't stay in the realm of imagination.

Thank you so much for reading! If you found it helpful, please click "useful" to show your appreciation! ?

Welcome to the WeChat public account of Yi Psychology with Huang Xiaolu!

Greetings!

I empathize with your situation; it is understandable that your parents' marital discord has instilled a multitude of concerns within you.

It is important to take care of your emotions and to minimize the influence of your parents on you.

It is recommended that you become aware of your own feelings of fear and worry, learn to manage your emotions, and cultivate greater self-acceptance and tolerance.

The experience of growing up in a family environment characterised by a grumpy father and a relatively depressing atmosphere may have a profound impact on an individual's emotional patterns and personality traits. A lack of a sense of security may result in difficulties in forming interpersonal relationships and in developing patterns of intimacy. Should the need arise, it may be beneficial to address this aspect and to explore ways of achieving personal growth.

2. It is advisable to discard the notion of omnipotence and to maintain clear boundaries with one's parents.

The sense of omnipotence is a psychological phenomenon that emerges in infancy and persists throughout an individual's lifespan. Despite the realization that our capabilities are limited, this sense of omnipotence continues to influence our behavior in certain situations.

With regard to the parents' relationship, it is challenging for the daughter to alter their character and choices. Furthermore, the daughter has attempted to involve relatives in mediation, yet the outcomes have been unsatisfactory. Given that the parents are in their 50s, their personalities and modes of interaction have become fixed over decades, rendering them difficult to modify.

It may therefore be advisable to maintain boundaries with them, discard the notion of omnipotence, and avoid becoming unduly involved in their relationship, thereby avoiding becoming a mere instrument in the process.

3. It is important to recognize the distinction between the self and the individual, and to foster the growth and development of the self in a manner that is optimal for the individual.

As an adult attending university, you have the opportunity to gradually achieve separation from your original family, expand your own world externally, focus more energy on self-growth, and better complete your own separation and individuation.

It is recommended that you do well in your studies, increase your social and work experience, prepare more for employment or postgraduate studies, develop your interpersonal and intimate relationships, improve your level of mentalization, and perfect your self-personality. The more independent you can be, the more capable you will be, and the greater your influence on your original family will be. You can use your own strength to help your parents make more reasonable choices, and you will also have more energy to take care of your younger sister.

I hope this message finds you well.

It is my hope that Hongyu's reply will prove beneficial to you. I am grateful for your inquiry.