The parents' tears only evoke a bit of sadness within me, feeling as if I am a stone.

It is concerning to observe that you appear to be characterized by a sense of cold detachment and suspicion. This state of suspected indifference is worthy of further examination. I am curious as to the duration of this indifference and its potential impact on your interpersonal communication and social relationships.

It is important to be clear about our lifestyle and to consider our future options. It is possible that some answers are already available in your past memories. You can see that your parents' crying can still affect you.

Have you experienced a traumatic event in the past that has led you to cope by "suppressing yourself"? Is it only by dulling your sensitivity to the outside world that you can truly get through difficult times?

I advise that you seek psychological counseling to ascertain whether the issue is one of psychological defense or depression. Regardless of the underlying cause, there is still an opportunity to resolve it. Your current emotions have been significantly suppressed.

It is possible that social changes have been too fast, which may have resulted in a lack of familiarity with the true feelings between people. This could be the reason for your feelings towards your parents, which may be akin to those of strangers. If this state of being a stone continues, it may be beneficial to consider making a change.

It is recommended that you seek professional assistance.

Please advise.

Hello, dear questioner! I'm Whale Social Worker 53 Hz, and I'm here to help!

Give the OP a big hug! ヽ(

The questioner must be a filial person, and they will be thrilled to respond to their parents' tears. They will feel as if they are made of stone, and they will once again hug the questioner.

Have you ever considered the possibility that your parents tell you how hard they have worked and how much they have sacrificed for you? When you first hear this, you may feel inspired to study hard and repay your parents for their hard work in the future. But as time goes on, you may feel pressure to keep striving hard. Your parents' words give you motivation, and over time, you may even feel numb to these words and the tears you shed when saying them.

I don't think anyone wants to work hard while carrying the pressure of disappointing their parents. It's mentally exhausting, and it feels heavy on the body too. But there's a way to make it easier!

When facing such potential stress, my teacher taught me an amazing method! It's to have a direct dialogue with them, saying, "Wouldn't you work hard without me? Why is it for my sake?"

This may be tough for the filial character of the questioner to say, but there's a way around it! The questioner can use these words to think about it themselves and reduce their psychological burden. Or when they cry tears over other things, the questioner will still feel the same way as they do, sad or whatever.

But when they cry about how hard they have worked for the questioner, the questioner can choose to listen to what they say selectively, which is a great opportunity to show appreciation for their efforts!

Best wishes! (Yi Xinli Whale Social Worker?)

Good day.

As a mindfulness coach, I believe that learning is the greatest asset of the human body.

From your description, I can discern a number of concerns, including doubts, confusion, pain, and feelings of helplessness.

The fact that you feel like a lump of rock is causing you trouble is not a productive focus at this time. I have three pieces of advice for you:

Firstly, it is recommended that you attempt to accept your current situation.

Performing this exercise will result in a slight reduction in your stress levels, which will in turn facilitate a more objective assessment of the situation and the development of a plan of action.

You indicate that you are unsure of when this began, and that you feel like a stranger to your parents. Despite your parents' assertions regarding their efforts, you remain largely unmoved. You should experience sadness and self-reproach for causing your parents distress, yet you feel nothing. This leaves you in a state of confusion and emotional numbness. As a child, you were expected to demonstrate care for your parents, filial obedience, and gratitude. You were taught to avoid causing them sadness, distress, or grief. However, you feel no emotion towards them. This leaves you feeling like a stone, inhumane, and somewhat self-blaming. It is crucial to understand your state of mind and recognize the underlying desire to love and care for your parents. Despite your inability to do so at present, you should be able to acknowledge this painful self and move forward. Otherwise, your mind will remain filled with negative emotions, hindering your ability to think clearly and make decisions.

Furthermore, allowing yourself to understand yourself and accept yourself will enable you to facilitate change in the current situation. It may seem paradoxical, but this is indeed the case because change is based on allowing for no change.

Secondly, I recommend that you adopt a rational perspective on your own situation.

Rational thinking can assist in gaining a deeper understanding of oneself and the surrounding reality.

To conduct a rational assessment, it is essential to complete the following two steps:

First, it is important to understand the reason behind the lack of grief for your parents.

From your description, it seems that your parents frequently express their dissatisfaction to you. Despite their apparent benevolence, their complaints may have caused you discomfort, leading you to internalize the perception that their positive treatment of you is forced or controlling. Alternatively, your parents may have exerted pressure on you under the pretext of "I'm doing this for your own good," creating the impression that their affection is not unconditional but conditional. There may be other contributing factors. In any case, it is essential for you to identify the underlying reasons for your behavior towards your parents.

It is only when the underlying reasons are understood that improvements can be made to the relationship with one's parents.

Secondly, it is important to recognise that the current situation can be altered, given the capacity for change that exists within yourself.

You are a person with initiative, so naturally you can effect change. Furthermore, since you are now "aware" of the problem, when you change, your relationship with your parents will naturally improve. This is because you have always been influencing each other.

A rational assessment of the situation may help to resolve any negative emotions.

I recommend that you concentrate on your own situation and consider what you can do to improve your own sense of well-being.

When you conduct a rational assessment of the situation, you may also be able to identify the appropriate course of action. At this juncture, it is advisable to focus on your own efforts and strive to implement the necessary changes.

As an illustration, consider your initial reaction when your parents informed you of their difficulties. This form of introspection may assist in resolving your internal uncertainties and contribute to an enhanced sense of well-being, as you gain insight into the underlying causes of your emotions.

It is also possible to communicate with your parents in a sincere manner, expressing your true feelings and thoughts. This approach may help to resolve any issues between you and improve your overall sense of well-being. When communicating with your parents, it is important to consider the most effective methods and approaches. Firstly, try to empathise with their perspective and understand their point of view, which will help them to "hear" what you say. Secondly, it is advisable to start with "I" and focus on your feelings, avoiding or minimising the use of "you" at the beginning, as this can make them feel rejected and accused, which is not conducive to communication.

If you engage in sincere communication with them and they still express dissatisfaction, and you still do not feel any positive emotions, then you can allow yourselves some time apart. You should not force the situation, but rather allow yourselves to "stay with yourself" and try to be true to yourselves. You may then discover the reason for your feelings and be able to communicate with your parents properly. In short, you need to know that you can take action to change the situation.

When you begin to take action, the various negative emotions in your heart will gradually dissipate, as action can often be the most effective way to overcome these emotions.

I hope this response is helpful to you. Should you wish to communicate further, you are invited to click on the "Find a Coach" link at the bottom of the page, which will enable you to contact me directly for further assistance.

From my perspective, it seems as though you are holding yourself to a high standard of accountability.

You hold yourself responsible for being indifferent to your parents' grief. You appear to believe that you should be emotionally affected by their distress and recognize their efforts, or otherwise be regarded as callous.

This self-imposed standard is negatively affecting your self-perception.

You have a clear sense of the expectations placed upon you, but ultimately find yourself unable to meet them. This creates a sense of internal conflict and dissatisfaction.

I believe this emotional experience is significant and merits further investigation. To that end, I have compiled a list of questions designed to facilitate a deeper understanding of the questioner's perspective.

Please describe the reasons for your perception of inconsistent emotional experiences.

Please describe the attitude and feelings you believe you should have towards your parents. Why do you believe you are unable to achieve this?

Please describe the thought process that occurs when you feel like a stone. What emotions does this thought evoke?

Please describe the rationale behind these thoughts.

Please describe your thoughts and feelings when you feel that you should not be like this.

Please describe the rationale behind your thoughts and feelings.

It is recommended that the questioner identify a time when they will not be disturbed to consider the above questions. These questions can be used as a starting point for further reflection. The goal is to gain a deeper understanding of your emotions through this process.

I hope these suggestions will prove useful to you.

I wish you the best of luck. Sincerely,

Hello!

Host:

After reading the post, I can feel the author's emotions and dissatisfaction. I also noticed that the author expressed his distress and sought help, which will help him understand himself.

and adjust.

I'll share my thoughts on the post, which may help the poster understand themselves better.

1. Emotional numbness may be a kind of protection.

From the post, I can see how the poster gets along with his parents. How do his parents talk about how hard they work and how much they have sacrificed for him?

I wasn't moved because the post lacked information.

Think about this and see if it matches your own situation.

Many parents tell their children how much they sacrificed and how hard they worked. What does this do to the child in the long term?

My parents have worked hard for me. I am a burden and I feel ashamed because I have caused them suffering.

If we don't express our emotions and have enough awareness, we may not be able to bear them. We may avoid these complex feelings.

Don't let your emotions affect you. If you do, you'll feel bad.

2. Another situation

Another situation is that from an early age, parents focused on themselves.

They love you, treat you well, and are always there for you. They go out of their way to meet all your needs.

Your parents love you, but they haven't taught you how to love them.

If you don't practice loving, you might become numb. But if this is true, the landlord can learn to love on their own.

Read "The Art of Love." Use your imagination to imagine what it would be like to be a loving person.

Then do it. The more you do this, the more you will know how to love.

3. Try to separate the issues.

If it's the first case, the owner of the building may need to learn to recognize the sacrifices their parents made for them and that their parents are good to them. This kind of good may also be a kind of control.

I have worked hard for you and done a lot for you, so you must listen to me. If you don't listen, it's your problem. I love you, but I also want to control you a little.

Do we feel shame when we realize this? Do we still think it is our problem?

This kind of parental control is a sign of their love for themselves. They see their children as a continuation of their lives, without respecting their children's lives. We need to learn to separate from our parents.

We are responsible for our own lives. This does not mean we should neglect our parents. We must support them and take care of their physical well-being. If they are not aware that they must take responsibility for their emotions, there is little we can do.

We can't control others. We can only manage ourselves.

We need to know what our issues are and what our parents' issues are.

I hope this helps the original poster. I'm Zeng Chen, a psychological coach at One Mind.

Good day, host.

This is a continuation of the response provided yesterday.

In reflecting on the definition of love and the underlying needs that shape our behaviors, I considered the utility of questioning and discerning whose needs are truly being served. While it is challenging to make a definitive assessment of whether parents are acting in their children's best interests or merely pursuing their own agendas, it is evident that their actions may simultaneously fulfill their own needs.

It is important to note that humans are not gods. The concept of "altruism without self-interest" is challenging to accept, particularly when the term is open to interpretation. For instance, a wealthy individual's selfless donation to benefit others without expecting anything in return could be perceived as an attempt to improve their own circumstances. This is because the donation may be motivated by the expectation that it will enhance their own well-being, indirectly benefiting them as well as others.

This principle can also be observed in the context of the ongoing pandemic. Humanity is, in essence, a community with a shared future. As long as there is an outbreak somewhere, the entire globe is at risk. Therefore, any individual's contribution to combating the pandemic may initially appear to be "not self-serving, but specifically helping others." However, in reality, it is also a self-serving act.

The objective of today's discussion is to examine the origin of the self-attack exhibited by the poster in order to facilitate an understanding of the underlying emotions and facilitate their management.

?[2] Is this an accurate description of your emotional state?

The host expressed feelings of self-hatred and alienation, describing herself as "inhuman" and "like a stone." This represents a negative evaluation of the self, a form of self-denial. This negative evaluation is an intensely emotional experience, manifested in a strong form of self-attack. The majority of this attack is an expression of anger, and it is likely influenced by feelings of guilt and shame.

Emotions serve a variety of functions. For instance, fear and anxiety assist in identifying potential dangers and prompting action to safeguard oneself. Anger frequently indicates that an individual has been subjected to unfair treatment. When confronted with bullying, the typical instinctive response is to experience anger. Anger is an emotional energy that enables individuals to defend themselves by responding in a similar manner to the initial aggression, thereby establishing boundaries and preventing further victimization.

One might inquire whether the poster's parents exhibited bullying behaviors. It is important to recognize that there are various forms of aggression, and not all forms of aggression are manifested in the same way.

Verbal and physical violence, including yelling and insulting, is classified as active aggression. In contrast, passive aggression is a form of aggression that is carried out in a non-violent manner and is often overlooked or unrecognized. One common form of passive aggression is dependence, which can manifest alongside illness and procrastination.

Dependence entails transferring one's burdens to another individual. In the event that the other person is either unwilling or unable to bear the burden, the individual in question will experience a form of attack, whether active or passive. The situation of the original poster can be seen as an illustration of the dependence of parents on their children.

Your parents had expectations regarding the manner in which they wished their lives to unfold, including their expectations regarding your appearance. It is reasonable to posit that all individuals have expectations regarding their own lives.

This is an example of an expectation that the individual in question is attempting to fulfill, rather than a genuine desire to meet another person's needs. It is not a case of trying to make another person into what they want, but rather a projection of their own unmet needs onto another person.

Achieving this state of being is, in fact, quite challenging (as previously discussed in yesterday's answer). The onus of expectation is placed on the individual, with the burden of proof resting on them to demonstrate their ability to become what is desired of them.

Such individuals express their displeasure passively through behaviors such as complaining and crying, which are indicative of an underlying anger stemming from the inability to fulfill their needs.

It is important to note that individuals hold varying perspectives on the means of fulfilling their needs. Typically, a mature person will elect to meet their own needs independently, including soliciting assistance from others. This is because individuals are not inherently omnipotent, and circumstances often arise wherein they require external support.

In the absence of assistance and the inability to self-satisfy, one may choose to relinquish unmet needs. This is not to suggest that all expectations are necessarily valid or realistic, nor that all needs must be fulfilled. Rather, it is an acknowledgement that personal fulfillment is not contingent on external factors.

After reading this, it would be reasonable to inquire whether the original poster has gained insight into the reason why they "feel nothing at all." It is possible that they have been subjected to a form of emotional neglect, which could explain their lack of emotional response.

It is a natural response to experience anger when one is attacked.

It is important to note that raising a child is a challenging endeavor, and the parents in question did indeed exert significant effort. It is understandable that the child in question did not perceive the attacks as such, particularly given the emotional and psychological distance that typically develops between parents and their children. The child's internalized sense of logic and reasoning prevented them from recognizing the parents' actions as wrong. This internalized conflict, driven by an intense emotional force, was ultimately suppressed by the child. The question then arises: How could one possibly attack those who love them so much?

However, emotional energy does not simply dissipate; it must find another outlet. In the presence of your tearful parents, your anger is directed inward: "I hate myself, I'm inhuman, I'm like a stone!"

For a child, it is likely that there is little option but to respond to such attacks and their own anger.

One might inquire whether the individual in question is truly akin to a stone.

Furthermore, residing with such parents can instill feelings of guilt and shame due to the perception of consistently disappointing them and being in a state of financial obligation to them. Over time, this can lead to a tendency to blame oneself for similar passive-aggressive behaviors in the future, attributing responsibility to oneself for situations that may be beyond one's control.

Over time, a multitude of doubts and misgivings will arise regarding one's self-perception. Additionally, there will be a growing dissonance between one's cognitive beliefs and bodily sensations. The distinction between whether one is owed by others or owes others will become increasingly blurred. Guilt will become a common emotion, and a tendency to take on the responsibility of others will emerge. These experiences will collectively contribute to a sense of unhappiness and self-disparagement.

In conclusion, I extend my deepest sympathies and embrace you with all my heart.

This is the extent of my commentary. I extend my love and support to you and to the world.

Good day, host.

It appears that you are attributing blame to yourself. You have stated that you do not feel any emotion regarding your parents' sacrifices for you. However, I question whether you do not also feel nothing when you describe yourself as "like a piece of stone" and "without humanity." Furthermore, when you say that you "hate yourself," do you feel anything then?

Are you aware that you are self-attacking when you describe yourself in this manner? In my estimation, despising oneself for being like a stone devoid of humanity is a particularly potent negative emotion. Can you identify these feelings?

For example, are you experiencing feelings of guilt? Are you feeling angry?

This is a matter of grave concern. It would be prudent to consider whether you truly believe you are a stone devoid of emotion.

I am unaware of the specific actions you took that caused your parents to become upset. However, based on your description, I have several questions. For instance, did you intentionally cause them distress? And why do they repeatedly emphasize the challenges they face?

As I am unaware of the circumstances surrounding your relationship with your parents, I will offer my opinion based on my interpretation of the information provided in the original post. I hope that this will prompt you to reflect on the matter and enable you to form a self-assessment that is more nuanced than "like a stone." I have provided a comprehensive response, but if I am unable to conclude, I will continue tomorrow. I hope the original poster will have the opportunity to review it in its entirety.

?[1] The word "should" is worthy of further consideration.

The original poster's apparent inability to be moved or to express sadness indicates that your conscious subjective will is to present a state that aligns with your parents' expectations. Your parents hope that their sacrifices for you will result in you becoming the child they desire.

The reality is that you are their child, but not the child they envisioned. This discrepancy has caused them distress, as they perceive their efforts to have been in vain and as a result, they are experiencing significant pain.

However, there is no willingness to accept this outcome. Despite their hard work and lack of fault, the result is still unsatisfactory.

Therefore, from their perspective, the conclusion is that they are not at fault, but rather, you are. As long as you address your shortcomings, you can "recover the losses"! They will likely highlight their own efforts, sacrifices, and expectations for you. They may also express disappointment that you have not become the person they desire. They may even encourage you to change and become the person they want you to be.

You concur with their rationale, which is how the "should" is established. How could I be so callous as to make them unhappy? They invested a great deal of effort and gave much, yet I was indifferent, which was inhumane. What is the rationale behind this?

I would posit that the answer lies in the discrepancy between your perceived and actual appearance. It is possible that your self-image does not align with your parents' expectations. Additionally, it is important to recognize that external influences, such as societal norms and parental guidance, may have shaped your beliefs and behaviors, rather than reflecting your authentic feelings and desires.

Every life is unique and is born, grows up, and matures with the natural vitality to become itself. Each individual possesses a unique life force that enables them to become who they are and to demonstrate their personal qualities to the world.

This is the fundamental law of life, the basic need that arises with every life. The natural mission of every child is not to grow up to be what their parents want, but to grow up to be what they want.

Many parents are unaware of this dynamic. They were also raised in a similar manner by their own parents, who demanded and expected a great deal from them: "You must become the child I want you to be, not the child you really are." When they become parents themselves, they raise their children in the same way. However, a life cannot grow against the laws of nature, which is the root cause of the parent-child conflicts in countless families.

Indeed, parents often fail to accept their children as they are. They frequently express a desire to embrace a version of their children that differs from who they truly are. This often manifests as a reluctance to love their children for who they are and a tendency to prioritize a vision of their children that differs from reality.

One must ask whether this truly benefits the child in question. Is this truly an act of love?

It is unclear whose needs are being met by all this effort. It is unlikely that anyone who is loved will remain unmoved.

Would you be willing to cause those who love you to experience grief? Would you consider yourself inhuman and hate yourself?

Please advise.

Should I proceed with the recommended course of action?

These questions are for the individual to consider and determine their own answers. I will conclude for today and resume tomorrow.

The above is incomplete.

I would like to inquire as to whether the world and I love you.

Hello! I hope my reply can be of some help to you.

From what you've said, it seems like you're feeling a lot of pressure from your parents, and you're also blaming yourself a lot. The sacrifices your parents have made for you are now a burden, and you want to escape from the status quo but don't know how to do it.

Many parents have unconditional love and selfless dedication for their children. What your parents want more than anything is for you to acknowledge the sacrifices they have made for you. They hope that by understanding their difficulties, you will either finish your studies seriously or learn to be grateful.

This can also cause anxiety for parents. While the starting point is positive, we also have to accept that our parents are ordinary and that they have some shortcomings.

It's important to remember that your parents are doing their best for you, even if they don't always communicate well. After all, parental love is selfless.

Secondly, you do your own thing well, and doing your own thing well now is the greatest reward for your parents. I don't know if you are still in school, so keep up the good work studying hard for your parents and for your own bright future. And this is what your parents want to see most.

You can also express your emotions gently to your parents. They feel the pressure when you express your emotions in this way, and they may also think about their own inadequacies in education. You're still a very filial child, I can see that.