The problems brought to me by my family of origin may make me feel that there is no good man.

Dear Question Asker,

Despite being aware of the conflict between your parents since elementary school, you were able to overcome depression and thrive. You have demonstrated resilience in overcoming setbacks and the test of time, and have shown an ability to successfully navigate challenges.

You are aware of your own psychology and have a wealth of experience in self-regulation. I believe that the issues you are currently facing can also be resolved with inner peace.

Family dynamics have a significant impact on a child's development and personality. It is evident that the original poster is keenly aware of this fact. Each time your husband exhibits similar behavior, you will experience doubt and sadness. This may lead you to believe that there are no good men in the world.

As a result, your perspective on marriage tends to be one of skepticism and scrutiny.

You harbor negative sentiments toward your father, empathize with your mother, and self-absorbed feelings of inadequacy stemming from your upbringing. Your animosity toward your father stems from his apparent lack of concern for his children, his purported lack of affection for his wife, his penchant for extramarital relationships, and his apparent lack of accountability in his marriage.

You may be questioning the rationale behind his actions.

The answer may be clear to you as well: his childhood may have shaped his current views on marriage and his irresponsible attitude.

However, an injury is an injury after all, and just because there is a reason does not mean it is acceptable. The consequences that should be borne still have to be borne. However, this experience should not affect your future. You can let it go and start a new family and life of your own creation.

To ascertain the type of marriage you desire and the manner in which you should oversee your own marriage, it is essential to define your position within the marriage and identify the actions that can facilitate the marriage's alignment with your desired outcome.

Best regards,

Good day, young lady. I can discern the confusion you are currently experiencing. I offer you a hug.

It would be beneficial for you to recognize that you are currently experiencing some familial challenges. I would like to offer you a warm embrace once more.

Despite having matured into adulthood, the "inner child" remains anchored in the past, evoking memories of a painful incident involving the father's infidelity towards the mother.

It is possible that the psychological trauma experienced was a result of the infidelity perpetrated by the father.

In the event that the wounded "inner child" reemerges, it can be addressed with the following statement: "When I was a child, I was young and unable to protect myself from harm."

Then, inform your adult self that you are now capable of protecting yourself.

Two cushions may be utilized for the aforementioned exercise.

One cushion represents the child the subject once was, and the other represents the adult the subject is now.

It is possible that when the aforementioned exercise is performed, tears may be involuntarily shed.

It is, however, acceptable to allow oneself to weep freely.

Once the cathartic release of emotion has occurred, healing may ensue.

In the event that the aforementioned techniques for "healing the inner child" are not known, it is recommended that assistance be sought from a qualified professional counselor.

Should the necessity arise, I would also encourage you to take one of Shi Qijia's courses on "healing the inner child."

It is my sincere hope that you will be able to identify an effective solution to the problem you are facing in the near future.

These are the only suggestions that I am currently able to offer.

It is my sincere hope that the above responses prove both helpful and inspiring to you, the young woman. I am the answer, and I dedicate myself to rigorous daily study.

At Yixinli, we extend our deepest regards and best wishes to you.

Hello, question asker,

Given your recent focus on your father, it seems that you may be experiencing a conscious or unconscious urge to address the issues in your original family, particularly the impact of your father's actions on the family, on you, and on your marriage. It's unclear what prompted this shift in focus.

I believe this is an opportunity for us to work through things together. It might be helpful to take some time to affirm our own part in the situation first.

It is understandable that embarking on the journey of self-discovery and understanding the impact of our family of origin can be challenging and uncomfortable at times. However, the crucial aspect is our willingness to persist. I am committed to taking ownership of my present circumstances and shaping my future, rather than merely reacting to external forces.

This is an important first step in taking responsibility for oneself.

From your description, it seems that your father has always been a person who is very attuned to his emotions, from a young age to old age. This could be a personal issue for him, and it's possible that he's seeking the feeling of being loved or the ideal "mother." However, we cannot change anything about him. We can use ourselves as a foothold. From your description, it seems that you have already resolved the impact of your original family on you more than once.

It's understandable that you're struggling to get out of depression. You mentioned that you unconsciously associate some of your husband's behavior with the difficult experiences you had with your father. I believe this is an important issue for us to address right now: how can I manage my marriage well and avoid repeating the patterns from my parents' relationship?

I hope you can appreciate the differences between men and women, not just in terms of physical differences, but also in terms of thinking, logic, emotional sensitivity, and other differences at different levels. If we can understand and learn about this, it might help us to deal with minor frictions in our relationship in a more constructive way. I think this could be more helpful in dealing with the relationship between you and your husband.

I would like to suggest a book to you: "Lin Wencai's Intimacy Course – Practical Tips for a Happy Marriage." I also think it might be helpful for your husband to read it. In a marriage, we are all independent individuals and we are all responsible for our own choices.

Secondly, if we wish to manage our marriage well, it is important to recognise the influence of our family of origin on our lives. Our parents played a significant role in shaping us into the people we are today.

However, the family of origin is not a reason why we cannot be happy. As adults, we have the opportunity to be our own parents, gradually fulfilling our unmet expectations. We can love ourselves wholeheartedly.

We have the option of reconciling with our family of origin or maintaining the status quo and living with the problems. There is no right or wrong choice.

Ultimately, it is crucial to ensure that we are fully aware and committed to our decision, and that we are able to accept the consequences. With this in mind, I would like to suggest Li Songwei's "5% Change" as a valuable resource. I hope that by reading this book, you will gain a deeper understanding of the present moment, your own inner permission, and the potential for making small but meaningful changes.

I would like to end by encouraging us all to embrace a positive outlook towards the present and to learn from the past.

My dear child, let me give you a hug. You will have to work through these issues for a lifetime.

From your description, it's clear that your father is irresponsible towards his family. If what your mother said is true, that your father cheated on your mother while she was pregnant or at any other time, and was unfaithful to her and the family, this is extremely difficult to deal with.

Every family has its own problems. Your mother chose to tolerate for some reason, and that was her choice and her life. No one else had any right to interfere.

As a child, you must respect your mother's choice. That is their mode of getting along.

Your parents' relationship undoubtedly affected you. You grew up in a family where love and warmth were absent, and you never experienced what a harmonious family relationship looks like. This makes it challenging for you to navigate your own marital and family relationships, as there is no successful template to follow.

You can learn from it even though you haven't experienced it.

My child, you say that you are married and have a family, and your husband is also likely to be late home, which has affected your trust in him. This is indeed due to your upbringing, and your basic trust in men has been destroyed. However, it does not mean that all men who come home late are cheating. I am certain you understand this.

However, because of the shadow of your original family, you are in your current situation. So I have a little piece of advice for you: communicate honestly with your husband.

I am certain you considered this person carefully when you chose to start a family with him. You didn't know anything about him. So, has he changed?

He needs to start taking responsibility for the family. Is he really working overtime or is he just coming home late because he wants to?

I know that people who are struggling can't go home early to be with their wives. So, tell me, is your husband a womanizer? You need to communicate honestly with your husband and infer from his usual attitude towards you. I believe you will have a clear answer.

2. Focus on yourself. Make your life and your inner self richer.

This is the best way to escape the influence of your family of origin. You must have a good life for yourself if you want to look lightly on the past and look forward to the future.

My child, happiness is in your hands. Give yourself happiness, and don't worry about the icing on the cake. You'll gain true freedom.

Your husband is the person who will accompany you for the second half of your life. Take good care of yourself and believe that your family will be happy too.

It would be beneficial to consider the family of origin in the context of the larger family dynamic.

It is important to recognize that both spouses, as family members, have a role to play in addressing these issues.

It is also important to remember that even the victim in a couple cannot escape.

It is important to remember that without the victim's permission and the ability to escape, as well as confrontation and constructive criticism, the abuser is unable to inflict harm.

1. If Dad is at fault, it might be helpful to consider whether Mom's actions could have contributed to the situation.

In the past few days, I have been reflecting on the recent events involving my father. I had been experiencing depression during my college years and decided to take a break from school to return home and recuperate. It was only a few days after I returned that I was awakened by the noise. My father was on the toilet at home, engaged in conversation with another woman (as my mother later informed me). The nature of their discussion seemed to revolve around feelings of longing and missed connections.

You returned home to recuperate from depression while you were at university, and you were seeking the comfort and support of your family.

It would seem that your parents are engaged in a dispute over another woman.

In addition to the fear and anxiety that their quarrels may have caused you, it would be helpful to consider whether you feel superfluous in this family.

It appears that your parents and the other woman are the primary focus of attention. How do you feel about that?

It can be difficult to feel seen and heard by our parents, especially when we feel that they don't care about our feelings. It's natural to feel hurt and wounded when we feel like we're not being taken care of.

While Dad is at fault for having an affair with another woman, it is possible that Mom's involvement might intensify the conflict.

If your mother were to stop for a moment, look behind her, and give you a hug, you and she would both feel warm.

2. It might be best to avoid involving the daughter in the marital problems that the mother can't solve.

In the past, my mother often discussed my father. However, given my emotional state at the time, I find it difficult to comprehend why he would go to the toilet and engage in conversation with other women.

There was also a story she told that I remember very well. She said that when she was pregnant, my father rode his bike to the movies with other women. After hearing these stories from my mother, I felt that they had a profound impact on me.

Perhaps if your mother had not shared this with you, you might not have formed such a negative impression of your father.

Even if you perceive that your father is unfaithful to your mother, it is unlikely that you would treat your father with the intention of revenge for your mother.

Given that your mother is sharing her concerns with you, it's natural for you to empathize with her and express your understanding of her situation.

In this situation, the child is essentially assuming the roles and responsibilities typically associated with both parents.

It would be beneficial for couples to resolve their emotional disputes together.

If the other party is not cooperative, it may be necessary to find a solution on your own.

Perhaps it would be better for her not to pass this burden onto her young children, who cannot bear it.

Even if mom just complains, pours out her emotions, and recruits allies, it would be best for her not to sacrifice her own child.

It is important to remember that parents are a community for their children. Therefore, belittling or attacking one another is equivalent to attacking the other half of the child.

3. It is worth noting that engaging in conflict does not necessarily lead to the resolution of issues. Instead, it can often result in mutual distress and, in some instances, even harm to innocent parties.

When I was young, there were frequent disagreements between my parents, which made me feel uncomfortable when I returned home. I often preferred to spend time with my grandmother instead.

My mother attempted to address my father's behavior in a constructive manner through discussion.

However, it is important to recognize that arguing can have unintended consequences, particularly for the child who is most vulnerable in the family.

It is worth noting that the relationship between the couple may have an impact on the child's future relationships.

I wonder if I might ask you to consider the possibility that the family atmosphere could have a strong influence on the psychological atmosphere of a child's life.

It seems reasonable to suggest that the family atmosphere can have a strong influence on the psychological atmosphere of a child's life.

When you were young, the home may have lacked a certain warmth, which could have affected your emotional state.

It is possible that living in such an environment may have a negative impact on you.

It might be beneficial for you to consider leaving your home and living with your grandmother.

4. It seems that there was a certain degree of conflict between father and mother, which manifested in different ways.

When I was a bit older, I was in elementary school. My father never came home late at night, and my mother drank at home. I was asleep and woke up again and again, feeling quite scared. She kept vomiting on the toilet. I didn't know what was going on, so I was quite worried.

It seems that Dad should take the brunt of the responsibility for his actions.

It is unclear whether Dad was unfaithful habitually for psychological reasons. If so, it would appear that Mom is blameless.

If that is not the case, it would be helpful for her to understand why she was unable to hold his heart.

From my mother's perspective, it seemed that the way she dealt with problems was to argue with my father or accuse him of things to other women. She would even drink to the point of vomiting to hurt herself.

It is worth noting that these behaviors did not result in the desired outcome of reuniting with their father, but rather contributed to his further distance and overwhelming their daughter.

If a daughter is unable to defend herself from her parents' conflict but is unsure how to respond to their fighting, she may turn her frustration inward, leading to depression.

5. It is possible that children's relationship problems may be influenced by the relationship patterns observed in their parents.

When my husband behaves similarly, I feel a certain sadness and a sense of suspicion. I wonder if perhaps there are not so many good men out there.

It is understandable that your perception of your father's emotions may have influenced your trust in men.

If you are happy while your parents are not, you may find yourself feeling sorry for them.

It seems that, perhaps unconsciously, she was following the emotional pattern of her parents.

Fortunately, although the original poster had doubts about her husband, she was able to maintain a sense of emotional distance and did not rebuke him.

When we say not to rebel against your husband, we don't mean that you should silently endure it yourself.

It might be helpful to talk to your husband to see if your suspicions are true.

If it's a misunderstanding, it might be worth considering that it could be your own projection.

If your husband is truly struggling with a problem, there are gentler ways to approach the situation.

It may be helpful to consider that, from a psychological perspective, emotional problems often have roots in love issues. This suggests that addressing them from a psychological point of view could be beneficial.

I hope these answers are helpful to you.

I'm Yan Guilai, a psychological counselor. I hope you find happiness in your endeavors.

Please be advised that you have received a system notification and have been invited to respond. We appreciate your trust and the opportunity to communicate with you via text.

The conflict between your parents has had a detrimental impact on your personal well-being. You feel a lack of warmth and support at home, and you are seeking an escape from the challenges you are facing. However, you still have not managed to overcome the issues of your father's promiscuity and your mother's sadness. Additionally, your husband's behaviour is similar to that of your father, which has further contributed to your feelings of distrust and disappointment in men.

It is my hope that the following information will assist you in coping with the influence of your original family and provide you with the support you need to navigate this challenging situation.

1. It is important to recognize that the influence of the original family extends beyond your views on men to also encompass your approach to selecting a spouse and your love life.

The parents' relationship was not harmonious, and the root of this issue can be traced back to the mother's pregnancy. From the time of your birth until you reached adulthood, it seems that the parents' pattern of interaction was characterized by frequent arguments and the father's involvement with multiple women and extramarital affairs.

From the moment of conception, the familial atmosphere exuded a distinct chill. Over the course of years, this has shaped your perception of men in a way that makes it challenging to form positive associations. Additionally, despite an awareness of patterns of interaction that evoke negative emotions, individuals often find themselves drawn to these familiar patterns.

Familiarity represents security, so people often subconsciously choose a lifestyle that they dislike but are familiar with. At the same time, subconsciously choosing a husband who is similar to their father also plays the role of a savior, hoping that they can be different from their mother to save their original family or their marriage. Therefore, it is possible that the behavior of the current husband is also the result of an unconscious choice.

2. To mitigate the impact of the original family, it is recommended to prioritize self-awareness, self-care, and self-care.

2. To mitigate the impact of the original family dynamic, it is recommended to prioritize self-awareness, self-care, and self-care.

The unfortunate circumstances of your family of origin have also affected your current marital status. Your distrust of men will also have an adverse effect on your sense of well-being.

To avoid the negative influence of your family of origin, it is first necessary to understand your own needs. This may seem a straightforward process: everyone wants to be happy and devoted to their partner.

However, there are often underlying expectations that may influence our decisions without our awareness.

One of the most effective ways to move on from the past is to establish a new, secure relationship. It is unlikely that those already in a marital relationship will develop another intimate relationship while their marriage is still intact, as it may be perceived as an expression of approval of their husband or father. However, they can still gain insight and experience what a safe and warm relationship is like through professional services such as psychological counseling. This allows them to observe their inner self and express their feelings in a supportive environment, enabling them to break free from the limitations and helplessness of reality and pursue the life they truly desire.

3. Our family of origin not only influences us, but we also have the power to influence it in return.

The notion that "both parents are to blame" was once prevalent in psychological discourse for an extended period. While the external environment undoubtedly exerts a significant influence, it is important to recognize that individuals also possess the capacity to shape their surroundings. The assertion that "the family of origin is not the starting point of misfortune" underscores the fact that while we cannot choose our circumstances at birth, we retain the ability to select the environment we desire to inhabit.

If your marriage is experiencing difficulties and your husband's behaviour is similar to that of your father, you have the option of becoming a second mother or refusing to accept this situation with your husband. Communication, exchanges and the possibility of making changes are all avenues that can be explored.

It is my hope that the above sharing will prove inspiring to you.

It is my hope that the above sharing will prove inspirational to you.

As a psychotherapist, my focus is not on exploring human nature but on addressing the emotional needs of my clients. I wish you well.

Good day!

As a heart exploration coach, I believe that learning is one of the most valuable experiences we can have.

From your description, I can sense a certain level of confusion, discomfort, depression, dissatisfaction, pain, and helplessness.

I would like to respectfully refrain from discussing the potential negative influence that your family of origin may have on your situation. Instead, I will offer three pieces of advice for your consideration:

If I might make a suggestion, it would be to try to understand yourself and accept your situation.

I believe that doing so may help to make your heart feel slightly lighter, which could then help you to think about what to do next.

You mentioned that in recent days you have been thinking about your father a lot. When you were depressed and taking a break from school to recuperate at home, he was in the toilet talking on the phone to another woman. You also thought about when you were a child and your mother was drinking at home and vomiting on the toilet, which scared you. You also remembered that when your mother was pregnant, your father took another woman to the movies, which caused you to doubt your husband now and even feel that there are no good men. In fact, your state of mind is understandable, because the negative impact of one's family of origin on a person is far-reaching. This includes your recent inability to understand why your father did not care about your feelings at that time. Every child longs for their parents to care about them, especially girls. Fatherly love is equivalent to a sense of security. A large part of your lack of trust in men may be related to your father. You may feel that your father did not love you or the family properly. He was the first man you knew, so naturally you feel that men are unreliable. Therefore, you may benefit from trying to understand yourself and comfort yourself. "Seeing" that painful self inside you with all kinds of negative emotions, but temporarily not knowing what to do, will help to take your mind off other things. Otherwise, your brain will be filled with all kinds of negative emotions.

It is also important to allow yourself to try to understand yourself and accept your current state, as this will make it possible to promote change in the status quo. While this may sound contradictory, it is nevertheless the truth, as change is based on allowing for no change.

If I might make a further suggestion, it would be to view your own state in a rational manner.

I believe that rational thinking can help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself and of reality.

If you would like to view things in a more rational way, you might like to try the following two steps:

It might be helpful to remember that you are not the same person as the one who was depressed, and that you have also grown and changed since childhood.

Given your own growth and development, you have gained valuable knowledge and experience, as well as a certain level of resilience in navigating past challenges. Additionally, your partner may not be the same as your father. You have expressed feelings of doubt towards your husband, which could be influenced by past experiences and a need to reconcile differences. It's important to recognize that your husband may have a different approach than your father.

It might also be helpful to recognize that you and your mother have different experiences and approaches. When your mother faced your father's infidelity, she turned to drinking and arguing with him. However, you may have the capacity to face what your husband has done (if it is true) in a way that is more constructive and healing. After taking some time to reflect on this, you may feel more at ease.

Secondly, it is important to recognize that the status quo can be altered, as you have the capacity to change it.

Once you have taken the initiative to address your situation, you may find that your outlook shifts and you are better able to cope with the challenges you have faced. It can be helpful to recognize your own resilience and the potential of time to heal.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to focus on yourself and think about what you can do to feel better.

For instance, you might consider seeking an opportunity to engage in a constructive dialogue with your father regarding his actions while you were resting at home. He may be open to providing an explanation, which could help you understand his perspective and potentially address any underlying issues. Additionally, he might apologize, which could foster a sense of resolution and improve your relationship. It's also possible that he was unaware of the impact of his actions. In such a case, it might be helpful to temporarily accept that he has different priorities and a different approach to family dynamics. By doing so, you can avoid placing undue expectations on him and prevent further hurt. When communicating with him, it's essential to remain calm and avoid getting emotional. This will ensure a constructive and productive dialogue.

If you are not in a position to communicate with your father, or if the opportunity is currently unavailable, you may wish to consider alternative methods of expressing your feelings. One such approach could be empty chair therapy or diary therapy, which can provide a constructive way of processing negative emotions. This can be an effective way of finding a sense of emotional balance and wellbeing.

You might also consider having a conversation with your mother. As an adult, you could discuss your thoughts and feelings about their marriage, including the challenges that your original family has brought you. This could be a way to process your emotions and feel more at ease.

It might also be helpful to have a good chat with trusted family and friends, including a counselor, if you feel comfortable doing so.

It might also be helpful to consider your own strengths and accept your shortcomings. You may be able to change some things, and accept that not everything can be changed right away. When you focus on making yourself better, it could also help you feel more confident and give you the strength to face your family of origin.

You might also consider reminding yourself from time to time that although your family of origin may not be ideal, you are worthy of love and good enough just as you are. After you repeatedly give yourself positive suggestions like this, you may find that it helps to improve your mood. In short, you may find that you can do something to improve the situation.

I believe that taking action can help to overcome negative emotions.

I hope my answer is helpful to you. If you would like to discuss further, you are welcome to click on "Find a coach to interpret – online conversation" at the bottom, and I would be happy to talk to you one-on-one.

Dear Questioner, I hope my reply will prove helpful and supportive.

It is evident that your family of origin has had a significant impact on your life, causing you a number of difficulties. Similarly, your experience of marriage has also had an effect. In light of this, the help platform represents a highly suitable option for you.

If you have positive memories from before the age of 18, you can reflect on them for the rest of your life. As a family man, you are now taking on responsibilities with an adult's perspective. You are correct in your assessment. In marriage, each person is an independent individual. There is no perfect marriage; rather, there is mutual growth and support.

Investigating the other person's behavior and allowing it to affect your own well-being is counterproductive. No one wants to be changed by others. Being true to yourself is the core objective. We really can't control others. The only way is to change ourselves. You are holding your father responsible, but deep down you hope that he loves you, that he shows you his love, and that he supports you.

Father, you are unaware of the challenges associated with marriage. It is essential to understand that individuals require nourishment in a relationship. If you did not receive this in your original family, you will continuously seek it in your marriage. If you lack support in your marriage, you will demand it from your children. You are that child, assuming significant responsibilities and alleviating your parents' burdens. This is commendable, and I commend you for your life!

Without being aware of his father's struggles, the way he was treated, and his own desire to survive, he was seeking personal fulfillment. It is unlikely that he would have departed from the family if he did not care for them. Reflect on the positive contributions he has made. Notably, he provided the means for our conception and ensured our access to sustenance, indicating that he has already fulfilled his obligations.

It may appear as though you are rejecting your father, but in reality, you are merely being overly critical of yourself. You are attempting to safeguard your interests, which is a natural and acceptable course of action. The responsibility for these circumstances lies with your parents, and they have caused you distress. You have matured and are fully capable of protecting your interests and loving yourself. It is time to move on from the past, which is beyond your control, and to focus on the present and future. Prioritize your personal well-being and embrace a positive outlook. You will discover a transformed version of yourself.

Please accept my best wishes.

It is unfortunate and frustrating to encounter a father who is indifferent to his daughter and the family unit.

Why is it that I am unable to achieve a similar level of happiness in my own home?

Given her father's lack of interest, she had to prioritize self-care. While one cannot alter one's family of origin, one can certainly modify one's own behavior.

If you consistently anticipate negative outcomes, you may experience heightened levels of anxiety and impatience. It is important to recognize that adverse events are a common occurrence.

This is Murphy's Law. Believing that you are your own lucky charm allows you to find beauty in life.

If you were to choose between an unhealthy family and a healthy body, and a loving family, but you were paralyzed in bed, which would you choose?

Although this example is not particularly relevant, the majority of individuals would likely select the former option. Given your physical well-being, you have the capacity to alter your mental state. People can learn to adapt.

As is the case with some men who engage in infidelity during their younger years, they come to recognize the value of a stable family unit as they mature. Individuals prioritize different aspects of their lives at different stages of their lives. The fact that this individual is not an exemplary father does not imply that all men share the same characteristics.

Similarly, Sun Li and Deng Chao, whose families were both divorced, initially had reservations about married life. However, Deng Chao provided a supportive environment, which contributed to the family's overall happiness. The positive relationship also had a positive impact on the children's upbringing.

Therefore, it is important to believe that you can change your life for the better.

Hello, host. I'm honored to answer your question. From your profile, I learned that in your original family,

Your parents didn't get along. Your father was irresponsible and unfaithful, which made you think badly of men.

Your mother argued with your father and drank more when she saw his bad behavior. She thought men were all bad.

People have different attitudes towards marriage because of their personalities and families. If you think men are no good, you will doubt any behavior or words expressed to you.

This makes your life exhausting and the men you live with feel exhausted too. The highest cost of communication is distrust.

I've seen many happy, intimate relationships. This means your parents' relationship was bad. This doesn't mean all male-female relationships are bad. You've made the mistake of thinking all your male-female relationships are bad and all men are unreliable.

The best way to change this is to have friends who can maintain good relationships. They learn ways to promote good relationships and enhance their ability to create and cultivate good relationships.

Your husband's behavior resembles your father's.

Your husband is more reliable in your current family. Changing your view of men will make you happy.

Good relationships require effort from both people. Trust is the first step. I'm happy to have an appointment in 1983. Love you!

How old is the questioner? She is married but still thinks about her original family.

What has happened recently that makes the questioner think about her depression/when-i-found-out-that-my-father-was-cheating-on-me-and-staying-out-all-night-i-was-so-upset-that-i-rebelled-16490.html" target="_blank">father? Does she feel better or worse when she thinks about him?

The stories his mother told about his father seem to confirm that he was a bad man. He didn't care about his pregnant wife or his daughter, who was recovering from depression at home.

Can this be taken to mean that the "bad men" the questioner refers to are men who are not good to themselves, don't care about their feelings, and don't care about others?

Yes, how can anyone believe that a man who is not related to them by blood will treat them well when the men who were closest to them treated them badly?

I don't know how many men the questioner has met, what they're like, or what others think of them.

Does the questioner think other kinds of relationships are possible outside of family?

I don't know if the questioner's belief that there are no good men has changed.

I hope my reply helped. Best wishes!

I'm so glad you've opened up about the feelings of mistrust, suspicion, and insecurity towards men that have been building up inside you over the years. As you mentioned, the experiences you had growing up, including the things your mother said and the stories of infidelity between your parents, have had a significant and negative impact on you.

One of the most challenging and painful experiences in a marriage is when a partner engages in sexual infidelity. In a monogamous marriage, this lack of fidelity and loyalty to the other person can potentially lead to a breakdown in the fundamental trust and commitment that is essential for a healthy relationship.

It is worth noting that in today's society, instances of such behavior in marriages and families are not uncommon. Both men and women, husbands and wives, engage in such behavior.

There are a number of reasons why this might be the case. For instance, social trends may play a role, as living in an urban environment makes it easier for people to meet the opposite sex outside of marriage, which in turn increases the likelihood of extramarital affairs. Additionally, there seems to be a growing perception that the sanctity of marriage is not as important as it once was.

I believe the underlying reason may be due to the inherent weaknesses of human nature. It is important to recognize that "marriage is the most profound and lasting test of human nature." Over time, the less admirable aspects of human nature may emerge and become evident in the context of marriage.

For instance, if a wife is strong-willed and loses her tenderness and patience with her husband after marriage, and often blames her husband, and if this husband is relatively weak-willed and has weak willpower, it may be more likely that he will cheat on his wife. This is because his frustration and unmet needs within the marriage may need to find an "outlet" to vent and seek satisfaction.

The truth about infidelity is often more complex and profound than people realize. I once wrote an article specifically about infidelity and the truth behind it, called "Twenty-two Laws of Infidelity." https://www.sohu.com/a/209026194_490706 (The link is to part of the original text).

Let's now return to your own marriage and the topic of the man in your heart. You mentioned that you feel sad and become suspicious every time your current husband does something similar.

Perhaps, deep down, there is a feeling that there are no good men. What can I say? I think what you said makes sense, but I can't say it's completely true.

It's important to remember that men have both commonalities and individual characteristics. Your husband and your father are not exactly the same type of man, and that's okay.

A few years ago, there was a popular saying that I have always felt was a bit extreme: "Men think with their penises." I have never agreed with this, and I think it can only be applied to men with weak willpower. It is also true to say that everyone is tempted by lust, just as everyone is attracted to beauty. As long as a man is healthy, he will inevitably have sexual desires for the opposite sex. However, I do feel that the problem is that people's character, willpower, and self-cultivation vary greatly.

I respectfully disagree with the notion that there is only a difference between zero infidelities and countless infidelities.

This suggests that people are either unable to cheat or cheat only once and then refrain from doing so again. Could this not potentially limit the possibility of human growth and change?

I don't know your husband at all, but I think that when you first fell for him and you got together and got married, you must have felt that he was someone you could trust. Now, if you constantly doubt him and keep projecting this insecurity from your childhood onto him, then, with respect, this may not be entirely fair to him. It might also be worth considering that it could potentially "create" a man who will one day commit infidelity against you.

In psychology, this is known as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I believe I may have touched on this in another answer recently: the law of attraction plays a significant role in human interactions. In essence, if we consistently view another person in a negative light, that individual may begin to reflect those negative perceptions. This can hinder the potential for positive growth and improvement in our relationships.

On the other hand, if you are open to adjusting your thinking and embracing a more positive outlook, there is a possibility that even if the person in question initially presents certain challenges, they may evolve in a way that aligns with your expectations.

Regarding your relationship with your father, it would be beneficial to consider reconciliation. This could be a possibility if there is understanding and forgiveness on both sides. Of course, if what you saw and heard at the time was true (he was unfaithful to your mother during the marriage), we can say that he was (significantly) at fault in the marriage. However, it would be unfair to place all the blame on him alone.

I will refrain from going into further detail on this matter.

Yesterday, I responded to a question from another online user who inquired about how to handle a situation with a father who displays anger issues and engages in destructive behaviors, including ignoring his children. There are some parallels between your question and that one, and the suggested solutions are also quite similar. You might find it helpful to take a look at that response as a reference.

I would like to extend my best wishes to you, your marriage, and your family. I hope you will find the love and happiness you deserve.

Hello, original poster.

From what you have described, it is clear that you have formed a negative impression of men. This is likely due to your early experiences, including witnessing your father's infidelity and hearing your mother's negative perceptions about him. These experiences have shaped your belief that there are no good men. I empathize with your feelings.

Let me tell you why we think there are no good men:

Fathers influence how we perceive everything. When we were young, we only had one man around us: our father. His words and deeds influenced how we perceive things, including what your mother described. This makes you think the male gender is not good. You believe there are no good men in the world. I would have the same impression. When I was young, I often watched TV dramas. There were scenes of men cheating. This made me think there are no good men.

My advice is this:

[1] Correct your perception and views of men. As I grew up and faced society and all kinds of people, I saw the limitations of my own perceptions and I changed them.

Let me be clear: not all men are bad. Our previous experiences have simply led us to this view.

[2] Trust your partner. In an intimate relationship, trust is the cornerstone of the stability of the relationship between the two parties. You must trust your partner. This is a way of trusting yourself, and it will also prevent your partner from feeling hurt or suspicious.

[3] Learn to heal yourself. Read books or find a professional counselor to help you see your emotions, thoughts, and perceptions and heal your emotions and insecurities.

You can and you will improve your self-confidence, learn to trust yourself and others, improve your sense of security, boost your self-confidence, believe in yourself, and heal yourself.

From your account, it does not appear that your husband has actually engaged in infidelity. It seems that you are making an initial assessment based on the influence of your family of origin.

In this discussion, we will examine the core issues from three perspectives and establish a constructive approach to addressing them.

Firstly, address the anxiety caused by the upbringing within your original family unit.

From your account, it appears that the unfortunate circumstances of your childhood have had a significant negative impact on your mental well-being.

As you previously stated, your parents engaged in frequent conflict, which resulted in an atmosphere of animosity and distrust within the household. You often felt reluctant to return home, preferring the company of your grandmother.

"You reached elementary school age, and your father ceased to come home late at night. Your mother began to drink at home. I was asleep, but I was scared awake. She kept throwing up on the toilet, and I was unsure of the cause. I was terrified."

From that time on, the parents' relationship was not harmonious, and the heavy atmosphere in the home had a detrimental effect on your young mind. This caused anxiety in your heart, and you were concerned that your future marriage would also be unhappy, that you would meet a man like your father, and that you would be as unfortunate as your mother.

In adult married life, this anxiety will affect your judgment subtly and negatively impact your emotional life.

For example, if your husband behaves in a similar manner to your father and receives a comparable outcome, you may question whether the underlying cause is identical. However, you lack concrete evidence to support this assumption.

This kind of suspicion will cause you to experience unease and anxiety.

2. Do not generalize an individual's behavior to a larger population.

It is important to note that there are numerous individuals who exhibit similar behaviors to your father. In fact, there are some who may even be more problematic than your father.

It is important to note that this is only a subset of the group, not a comprehensive representation. There are still many men who are responsible and will fulfill their roles within marriage, providing care for their wives and children.

It would be prudent not to generalize your father's individual behavior to all men.

It is important to analyse and address issues with an objective mindset. Avoid allowing challenges from your family of origin to influence your subjective outlook and create cognitive biases in the objective world.

Otherwise, the risk of creating unnecessary misunderstandings is high.

3. Adopting the appropriate attitude towards the current situation.

You are currently experiencing a high level of emotional distress. When considering your mother's state at the time, you are concerned that you may eventually exhibit similar behaviors.

As you stated, "After hearing all these stories from my mother, I feel that they have had a profound impact on me. Every time my current husband does something similar, I feel sad and I start to doubt him. In fact, deep down, I probably don't think there are any good men."

With this kind of vulnerable mentality, minor issues will be perceived as significant, causing fluctuations in your emotions. Over time, this can lead to an unhealthy state of mind.

It will have an impact on your life, particularly in regard to your emotional well-being within the context of your relationship.

It is essential to adopt an objective and positive approach to the present situation and take the following steps:

1. Analyze and address issues in an objective and realistic manner.

First and foremost, avoid becoming paranoid about issues that lack concrete evidence. Doing so will only result in unnecessary trouble for yourself.

Secondly, if issues arise in a relationship, it is advisable to first identify the underlying causes. These factors may be amenable to change through effective communication and a collaborative effort from both parties.

Finally, you may wish to consider using some auxiliary means to gain insight into his emotional perspective. For instance, you could view some TV clips or discuss infidelity incidents with friends to gain a better understanding of his views on infidelity.

If your three views are consistent, the probability of future problems is low. If you are a person who is particularly persistent and dedicated in your relationships, but the other person behaves in the opposite way,

Subsequently, due to the inconsistency of the three views, there is a possibility of a lack of mutual understanding.

2. Identify your personal objectives and organize your life with a positive and healthy outlook.

It is important to have a clear vision and purpose in life. Having a plan aligned with these values allows us to live each day with a positive and healthy attitude, fully embracing the opportunities and challenges that arise.

If your objective is to establish a warm and happy family and to move on from the shadow cast by your original family, then it is essential to find a man who is serious about relationships and who is able to devote his whole mind and body to the marriage.

It would be beneficial to demonstrate greater warmth towards your partner, thereby emphasising the value of family. Concurrently, it would be advantageous to foster a sense of romantic warmth, ensuring that your partner feels that even in an ordinary life, there are occasional sources of delight.

This will provide a stable foundation for your marriage, preventing external influences from disrupting your relationship and affecting your feelings.

3. Learn to accept accountability by relinquishing certain expectations.

It is often the case that we can only change our own thoughts and actions. However, it is much more difficult to change the thoughts, actions and practices of other people.

Based on the circumstances you have outlined, it would be prudent to consider whether your current husband is exhibiting the same patterns as your father. If your relationship with him is consistently painful,

You may wish to consider ending the relationship and seeking a partner who can provide a more fulfilling and positive experience. Attempting to change someone who is resistant to change is an ineffective use of time and energy. It is better to move on and avoid further distress and frustration.

Furthermore, it would be advisable to disregard these apparent risks in your marital life.

As these assumptions lack evidentiary support, it is advisable to discard them if they cannot be substantiated. It is preferable to base your feelings on reality rather than conjecture.

It is advisable to cease dwelling on negative emotions caused by pursuing futile endeavors. This will also alleviate some of the mental pressure you are currently experiencing.

In short, marriage requires management and an appropriate attitude. If you are unable to tolerate mistakes or ambiguous behavior from your partner,

It may be advisable to consider alternative options sooner rather than later. Alternatively, a change of mindset may be beneficial.

Doubt and entanglement will inevitably result in a vicious cycle, causing your emotions to repeatedly sink to an unsatisfactory level.

Ultimately, I hope you will be able to extricate yourself from the influence of your family of origin. It is my sincere hope that you will be able to achieve a balance in your marriage and relationships, and that you will be able to live your life in a positive and happy state.