There is a shadow over the threat of force against parents. How can parents be convinced or defend themselves?

Hello. I can somewhat understand your fear when you see or hear your parents threaten you. It's natural to feel frightened, helpless, aggrieved, and angry in that situation.

When I was younger, my father treated me this way. I once waited for him to pick me up from kindergarten, but he never showed up. So I snuck home.

When my father went to pick me up, the kindergarten teacher told him off for not listening to me and running away. My father was furious and rode his bike to find me. When he saw me at the front door, he started hitting me with his bike. At that time, I felt really desperate and helpless.

Since then, I've been afraid of my father. He doesn't like noise.

I was a bit of a tomboy at home, and I got in trouble for it. I felt like I had done something wrong, and I lost the excitement of being a kid. I stood there, feeling like I had done something wrong. Sometimes I was even afraid to walk past my father. The house was so small, and I would walk past him with my head down, feeling like he would hit me at any moment.

First, it's not realistic to expect that you can persuade your parents to change their minds. It's also not realistic to expect that others will change to suit you.

It's like trying to change the world to suit us. It's impossible. Even ancient emperors could only make others submit to them for a time, and it was impossible for them to change others or the world at will forever.

If you study psychology or personal growth, you'll see that changing others is a thankless task.

Second, what you call self-defense isn't the best approach and won't serve your best interests. Your defense will make your parents feel like you've grown up and are daring to resist. They may try to threaten you in different ways.

This will just make things worse for you and lead to more attacks from them. I don't think this is the best approach.

Ultimately, it's in your best interest to grow and improve yourself. This path may be long, but you'll benefit from it for the rest of your life.

From what you've written, I can't tell your age or education level, and I don't know if you work. I get the sense that you're probably still a minor.

First, I suggest you go to the gym. Being in a constant state of panic, anger, or other negative emotions is generally not good for your health and can even make you feel worse. When you are physically strong, you will have more self-confidence and courage.

In traditional Chinese medicine, the kidney is associated with fear. Constant fear can drain one's vital energy or kidney essence. You can do some exercises to strengthen your kidneys, such as the "Yang-Restoring Position," which you can do in bed.

There are also dynamic exercises, like the Iron Bridge exercise, which is in "Prisoner Fitness." You can find it online. "Prisoner Fitness" is a great book that shows you how to strengthen your body in a systematic way with very little space.

Doing this part of your fitness routine for half an hour a day, or five times a week for half an hour, should help to improve your emotional state after three months.

Second, it's a good idea to study. Look into traditional culture and sage education. You can search for the keyword "Sage Education Global Classmate Network" on Baidu.

Read something that piques your interest. It's also beneficial to gain some insight into common psychology or explore books on spiritual growth.

For example, you can find "Meet the Unknown Self" and "A Little Girl's Workplace Practice" online.

None of the things I suggest you learn are confrontational. They are open, understanding, and loving.

It's pretty straightforward: if violence could bring peace, the world would already be paradise. History shows us that violence and confrontation don't lead to true love and peace.

The most powerful people in the world are those who can turn enemies into friends. And those who can do that must be loving people. You can learn to see yourself, love yourself, love the people around you, and even one day, when you can understand your parents, you will discover a whole new perspective. You are still you, but without the fear, panic, worry, and anger patterns that wrap around your heart. You have achieved a transformation.

I'm sharing this with you because I've been on this path of self-growth, and many people with psychological problems have also been on this path. They've achieved inner happiness and experienced the blessings of life.

And finally, I used to have no contact with my father for 11 or 12 years. I even considered cutting off contact with my parents when I was around 20 years old.

As I get along with them more, our relationship is getting better. They haven't changed much, but I have, and it's made a big difference.

I hope you stay on the path that's best for you, which is the path of love and peace.

Hello, question asker. My name is Evan.

From the questioner's description, it is clear that the parents' disciplinary approach always resorts to violence. Their control of the questioner is through violence or intimidation, which has deeply affected the questioner. Since the parents' own problems are taking the questioner as a punching bag, the questioner is full of negative energy, both physically and mentally, which is causing the questioner to be in a state of sub-health.

I am convinced that these behaviors are related to the author's parents' original family education and personality. It is likely that the author's parents instilled related concepts since childhood, telling them to listen to their parents and even to endure their parents' emotions transmitted to them.

These views are all related to the concepts of the traditional past. There is no doubt that in the parents' era, when they had to work hard just to survive and information was scarce, there was no problem with this approach. However, if we continue to follow the past's views, we will undoubtedly be out of touch with the times.

It is inevitable that the negative and violent energy that parents direct towards their children will ultimately lead to an unbearable burden. It is not uncommon for parents' actions to be driven by a lack of understanding of love and the desire to emulate the behaviours they have observed in their elders.

The way the questioner's parents treat them is undoubtedly influenced by their own family of origin. When children grow up, they are influenced by their family of origin, believing that parents have absolute authority at home, and even allowing the use of violence to vent emotions.

These behaviors are not normal. They cause depression and harm children. I want to give you strength and hope that you can understand your parents' behavior towards you.

Since the question was asked on a platform, I will also give the questioner some simple advice here:

Face the impact that parents have on themselves.

Let me be clear: parents who constantly exude negative energy are like ink that pollutes others.

This source of pollution has a significant impact on the questioner. It leaves them in a polluted state, filled with negative energy and unable to maintain a positive mood. It even triggers negative emotions like anger and fear.

The questioner must distinguish which emotions are brought on by others. They must analyze these emotions and see which ones are influenced by parental control.

The questioner must understand that their thoughts are influenced by their original family. Just as dropping a drop of ink in water creates a ripple effect, the questioner's thoughts are shaped by their family. Once the questioner understands this, they can examine whether these thoughts are helpful or a way to vent emotions.

It is crucial to understand the parents' motives in treating the questioner.

The parents of the questioner treat the questioner this way for a reason. They transfer their anger and hatred to the questioner because they believe family scandals should not be shared outside the family. Parents learn how to communicate with children from their own families of origin.

This pattern is imprinted in their hearts, and they will bring this pattern into the family they form. They release their emotions to those close to them when they return home, a safe place, because they feel that their family will be tolerant of them and that their children will submit to their authority.

We must understand our parents' motives. When we understand why our parents do what they do, we can release our emotions, treat them more calmly, and be more at ease.

If the questioner understands the origin of their parents' behavior patterns, they can also understand that their parents can only continue the patterns they were taught to treat their own children. This means that parents cannot perceive themselves as worthy of sympathy. In many cases, parents believe in the traditional concept of "a dutiful son comes from a rod." This often leads them to vent their negative emotions on their children when they get home.

This is why parents in modern families often treat their children so roughly, either beating them or scolding them. They are unaware that intimacy is the most worthwhile relationship to maintain and that there is a limit to how much negative emotion can be tolerated in even the closest relationships.

Avoid sources of pollution.

When faced with inappropriate or controlling behavior from their parents, it is important to distance yourself from the situation as much as possible. If the subject is uncomfortable with their parents' scolding or beating, they have every right to express their feelings to their parents, provided it does not affect communication.

Do not confront your parents. This will only make things worse and will not help resolve the situation.

When the questioner and their parents become emotional and hurtful towards each other over their respective rights and interests, ignore them and turn away immediately. If the argument escalates, leave the situation and go to a friend or relative's house to stay temporarily.

Wait until they calm down, then go home. If they don't let you leave, go to your room, play some light music, and don't engage with them. You're still the weaker party in the family, so your safety is more important.

Accept the reality.

The questioner cannot change the behavior and thoughts of their parents. This is a reality you must accept. Neither the questioner nor their parents can control the feelings and thoughts of the other. However, they can change their attitude towards each other. This will change the other person's attitude towards you.

Don't expect your parents to change easily. They may be using violence as a way to control their children, which you may see as negative, but it may be a correct pattern in their minds. It's challenging to change someone else's thoughts, especially when they don't see their actions as wrong and don't want to change. Only they can change.

You need to learn to vent your emotions.

The parents can release the negative emotions and the harm they have caused to the questioner in an appropriate way. The questioner should not confront their parents, as this is considered unfilial from a Chinese perspective and will not be conducive to maintaining a good relationship with their parents in the future.

The questioner should vent their inner negative emotions through some sports or hobbies. After the questioner vents their emotions through these activities, their mood will slowly return to calm. Parents vent their emotions on the questioner because they don't know how to vent their emotions either.

The questioner must learn to deal with and express their negative emotions in order to avoid following in their parents' footsteps.

Get professional psychological support.

If you find it difficult to accept your parents' behavior and don't know how to communicate with them, you should seek professional psychological support. I strongly suggest that you find some psychological counselors or listeners on some psychological platforms and pour out your worries to these professionals. They will have the relevant communication skills to make the communication between you and your mother smoother.

The state is taking a strong stance on addressing students' psychological issues. Schools are equipped with mental health professionals, and teachers are also available for consultation. They are well-positioned to provide guidance and support.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful to the questioner.

Dear Question Asker,

"My parents frequently used phrases such as 'I'll fix you', 'You need fixing', and 'I'll give you a good hiding'. I distinctly recall these instances from my childhood. My father was visibly enraged and seemed poised to physically assault me, but my mother intervened and provided a detailed account of my shortcomings, while simultaneously glorifying me and delivering a formal lecture."

"Pack up," "deserve to be packed up," and "I'll give you a good spanking" are phrases that your parents frequently utilize. Their intention is to reinforce the idea that "misconduct requires consequence, so exercise caution in the future." From their perspective, "spanking is an expression of love; scolding is an expression of love; children cannot succeed without being punished; only when you experience pain can you remember what you've been told."

This does not necessarily indicate a lack of affection.

1. This may be an example of how love is expressed in their generation's concept of education.

2. Due to the influence of their upbringing and the habits they have imbibed from their parents, they are not adept at communicating, particularly when expressing love. They may find it challenging to embody the values of gentle speech, patient and rational teaching, emotional communication and empathy, self-discipline, self-improvement, and loving others. Their habits, ideas, and emotional restrictions may impede their ability to express love for you.

What steps can be taken to enhance the familial environment?

1. Clearly and rationally express your feelings and negative emotions about violent behavior, and state your refusal and resistance in a decisive manner.

2. Clearly provide them with a set of the most effective methods for educating you. Education does not equate to lessons.

Firstly, it is advisable to assure them that you will comply with their reasonable requests and suggestions.

Secondly, you should inform them that you will be forthcoming and engage in dialogue with them when you have differing opinions.

In the event of encountering opposing views that are both reasonable, it is possible to comply.

In the event that you have a strong and reasonable personal wish, it is expected that your wishes will be respected.

You pledge to work diligently towards achieving the family's shared objectives.

The other party promises to refrain from engaging in negative emotional outbursts and habits.

You pledge to achieve a specific goal and to provide compensation to your parents for their upbringing.

3. It is essential to establish your position firmly and to stand fast to your duties and rights. Take the initiative to accept their supervision, and supervise and urge each other together.

The above are some ideas provided by an individual for your reference. The specific situation and feasibility must be determined by the questioner.

I hope this information is useful to you.

Hello!

I am a heart exploration coach. Learning is the body's treasure.

I can feel your fear, pain, and helplessness.

I won't go into detail about your distress caused by your parents' threats. I have three pieces of advice:

First, try to understand yourself and accept your situation.

This will make your heart feel lighter and help you think about what to do next.

You said that you are a left-behind child, having lived with your grandmother for 11 years. Your parents scare you, so you are afraid and angry when you hear someone cough or make a loud noise. You want to change, but you can't, which makes you sad. Your state of mind is understandable because your parents' negative influence is far-reaching. Children who have not been loved by their parents will grow up with an inner sense of deprivation. They will be afraid when they encounter problems. You have to try to understand yourself and comfort yourself. This will give you extra mental energy to think about other things.

Allowing yourself to understand and accept your current state makes it possible to promote change. Change is based on allowing for no change.

Secondly, think about your own state.

Rational thinking helps you understand yourself and reality.

To rationalize, do the following:

You're not the same person you were as a child.

You're older now, so you know if your parents' threats are real. You can protect yourself, so you need to see your own strength.

You can change the status quo.

If you take the initiative, your mood will improve. You can overcome the negative influence of your family. Time is on your side.

Focus on yourself and think about how you can feel better.

Look at your strengths. Everyone has them. You are no exception. You are not a bad speaker. You are motivated and reflective. You have many bright spots. When you see this, you will feel stronger. Address your shortcomings. Accept what you cannot change. Change what you can. Make yourself better. Your heart will grow stronger.

When you see your strengths, you will feel better.

Talk to your parents. Stay calm and talk about your feelings. They may not realize they're hurting you. This can help you understand that they don't love you, but they don't know how to raise a child. Their threats are just a way to educate their child. You may slowly reconcile with your parents and feel relieved.

When you hear someone coughing or making a loud noise, tell yourself, "That has nothing to do with me. I can handle it." Repeat this until you believe it.

Think back to how you dealt with fear before. You can use what you learned then to help you now.

If you're afraid to talk to your parents, try writing about how you feel. This can help you feel better. You can do something to make things better.

Taking action helps you feel better.

I hope this helps. If you want to talk more, click "Find a coach for an online conversation" at the bottom. I'll talk to you one-on-one.

Dear Question Asker, You have inquired as to how one might persuade or defend oneself against the threat of violence directed towards one's parents.

First, I would like to commend you for your awareness and commendable conduct in thinking critically and finding solutions. Now, let us examine your question together.

You indicate that your parents frequently used threatening language, including phrases such as "get ready to be punished," "deserve to be punished," and "I'll give you a good spanking." During your childhood, you recall a particular incident in which your father became enraged and began to physically assault you. You perceived the situation as life-threatening and believed your mother was the primary factor in preventing your father from inflicting further harm.

You recall instances of your mother obstructing your path and uttering disparaging remarks while exhibiting a high level of emotional distress. You have a vague recollection of her striking you with a forceful slap. You were raised in the care of your grandmother until the age of 11. During this period, you had limited access to information and lacked the ability to observe and process your surroundings effectively.

It is only in the last year or two that the subject has begun to take charge of their own life. They have grown up and discovered that there is something wrong with their parents' logic. They have come to realize that they can take the initiative and influence the way things develop.

You have become aware of your own agency and the responsibility that entails. You have also come to recognize that your parents employed verbal violence as a means of intimidation. However, you may still experience feelings of fear, distress, and anger.

Once the aforementioned issues have been addressed, I will proceed to offer my opinion.

Awareness represents the initial stage of the change process.

Your awareness is remarkable. Navigating a family environment that presented significant challenges was not straightforward, yet you have now gained a nuanced understanding of the environment you have lived in for many years, as well as the manner in which your parents treated you and perceived the harm they caused.

Awareness represents the initial stage of change. Prior to initiating a transformation, it is essential to first recognize the challenges and difficulties one is facing.

The question then becomes: What precipitated this predicament? Given that you have already considered these issues, you have taken the initial step towards transformation.

It is important to note that change is a lengthy process that cannot be completed in a short period of time. There is still a considerable and potentially challenging journey ahead, so it is essential to prepare oneself mentally. As the adage states, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Once the understanding is reached that change is a lengthy process, it is then necessary to proceed in a step-by-step manner.

What are the underlying motives behind instances of verbal violence?

It would be interesting to ascertain whether you have ever considered the motivation behind your parents' verbal violence against you. Did they utter those statements unintentionally or with the intention of causing distress?

The motivation behind their verbal intimidation is, in fact, rooted in their genuine affection for you. Their desire to exert control over you stems from their genuine concern for your well-being and safety. They seek to influence your words and actions in a manner that aligns with their expectations, thereby creating a sense of security and stability within their perceived sphere of influence.

It is not our intention to condone the use of verbal violence. However, we hope that you can discern their objective of influencing you through such means. Their aim is to facilitate your growth in a manner that they perceive as secure and beneficial. If you consider your family from this vantage point, do you perceive a diminution in your anger?

Has there been an improvement in your emotional state?

It is recommended that you attempt to remain in contact with your fear and anger for an extended period of time.

The next time the subject is threatened or intimidated verbally, the individual should attempt to remain in a state of emotional awareness for an extended period. The precise duration is at the discretion of the individual. When the subject experiences an inability to tolerate the situation, they may choose to disengage. This process can be repeated over time, gradually increasing the duration of emotional awareness, until the subject is able to confront their emotions directly.

I extend my best wishes to the questioner and hope that my response is beneficial. The world and I love you!