What are the underlying causes of "a daughter-in-law becoming a wife"? Why does violence continue?

Please extend support to the questioner from a distance.

The questioner's description:

After years of being a daughter-in-law,

It is likely that the new daughter-in-law will be treated in the same way they were treated. This may then be attributed to evil.

My father endured mental and physical abuse at the hands of my grandfather during his childhood, and I was subjected to mental abuse. I frequently envision them waking up in a state of distress, reflecting the control and pressure they exerted on me.

A message for the questioner:

I have a different perspective than the questioner regarding the role of a mother-in-law after many years of experience as a daughter-in-law.

A wife in a marriage system, after experiencing many things, dedicates her youth, and then her children, and grows up. At this time, her identity becomes that of a mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, and mother-in-law. This was originally one of our identities, not something we experienced.

Furthermore, the current family model has subjected you to mental abuse. Growing up under the pressure of your parents and without adequate emotional protection will cause discomfort and psychological trauma.

At times, it is necessary to withstand pressure in order to grow stronger and absorb nutrients.

The questioner is now reflecting on their experiences and considering how they have shaped their outlook on life. This demonstrates their ability to remain aware and resilient in the face of stress.

It is unclear whether the current pressure the OP is facing is something they can manage. However, it is possible that the pressures that do not result in failure will contribute to growth.

Many individuals face a range of challenges within their families. However, these difficulties should not be a cause for despair. Instead, having experienced these challenges, individuals can gain greater resilience when confronted with other difficulties.

It is my hope that the original poster will be able to overcome these challenges and move towards a better life soon, without being weighed down by these traumas.

Dear Question Asker, I am honored to answer your question. After reading your description of the perspective of a daughter-in-law who has become a mother-in-law over the years, I too began to ponder. This is a kind of awareness of life that will play a significant role in changing our future words and deeds.

After years of being a daughter-in-law, she will abuse the new daughter-in-law in the same way she was abused. The new daughter-in-law will experience the suffering she endured in the past all over again. It is crucial to consider this from a deeper level. There are two possibilities for her making the new daughter-in-law suffer the same way she did. The first is psychological compensation. Originally, her mother-in-law made her suffer. Due to circumstances and upbringing, she was unable to rebel against her mother-in-law's abuse. When she became a mother-in-law herself, she began to treat her daughter-in-law in the same way her mother-in-law had treated her. It seems that only by treating her daughter-in-law in this way can she achieve inner balance. However, this balance is subjective. She has transferred the conflict to her daughter-in-law. The real way to solve her own psychological problems is to, with the help of a professional, appropriately vent the emotions of fear, anger, shame, and resentment that arose when her mother-in-law abused her. This is a more constructive approach than blindly transferring them to her daughter-in-law.

The second possibility is to exert control over the entire family. This involves subjecting the daughter-in-law to the same difficulties as the mother-in-law, thereby suppressing her independent and innovative character. The objective is to consolidate the mother-in-law's position within the family and exert control over the family's resources. In general, the mother-in-law possesses greater experience in matters of family management and development. In contrast, the daughter-in-law is typically younger, more energetic, and more innovative. The combination of these two perspectives can facilitate the growth and advancement of the entire family.

However, as a mother-in-law who has been a daughter-in-law for many years, she exhibits the mentality of a mother-in-law, attempting to manage and control the words and deeds of her daughter-in-law. Especially under the premise of significant social changes in the present era, it is challenging for her to adapt to the pace of social development. Consequently, she may ultimately be left behind by the rapid pace of social progress.

It can be argued that individuals with a heightened sense of control may exhibit anal fixation behaviors. These individuals are accustomed to regulating their children's behavior or external resources to fulfill their own need for security. When their children or daughters-in-law are not autonomous in navigating the external environment, this behavior is intentional for the entire family. However, as daughters-in-law and children mature, they require independent personalities and more experience to navigate the complex challenges of society. Under the educational guidance of parents with a stronger sense of control, these children may not have the opportunity to gain practical experience or encounter the harsh realities of the world, ultimately limiting their ability to adapt and integrate into their environment. I am pleased to have an appointment with you. 1983. The world and I love you!

Hello, question asker!

After reading your story, I could really relate to it.

✩ "Daughter-in-law becomes a wife," "emotionally controlled by family members," "boss treating employees," "will the good guy get beaten up"? I get that you're trying to say that similar roles in similar environments will lead to similar results.

There was once a crazy experiment, the "Stanford Prison Experiment." Different roles have different expectations. When you are in a certain role, you may be given the responsibilities and consequences that role entails.

You've discovered this, and I think you're a sensitive person with a good eye for detail. You saw your younger sister get beaten for being naughty, and you learned your lesson. I think you're very good at observing the tone and appearance of other people.

Right now, it seems like you're going through a "delayed adolescence" phase, where you're starting to push back against the control and pressure from your family, and the emotions that have been suppressed for many years are making you feel too uncomfortable. I agree that you're in the middle of it, and you're feeling it for real.

It's also worth looking at the word "not necessarily."

"A daughter-in-law becomes a wife," but does she bully her daughter-in-law?

Not necessarily.

So, is being emotionally controlled by family members the same as controlling family members?

Not necessarily.

"Employee becomes boss," do you think that means exploitation?

It's not necessarily so.

"If you're good, you won't be beaten," or "if you're not good, you will be beaten"?

Not necessarily.

✩ Words to the questioner:

1. You can't change what's already happened, but you can change how you respond to it. You've grown up now, so you can be your own parent. You can embrace your former self and love yourself.

2. Do the things you like, anything that makes you feel good. Just imagine, five years from now, you've accepted your painful past and become a brand new you. What would you say to the current you?

You're great, and you're one of a kind. The world and I think you're awesome.

Good day, question asker.

It appears that your query pertains to the prevention of your daughter-in-law from becoming an unscrupulous mother-in-law.

The perception of a mother-in-law as "wicked" is shaped by psychological factors. The daughter-in-law and mother-in-law spend a significant amount of time together, creating a dynamic of mutual influence and change. Perceptions of a mother-in-law's behavior may not align with her actions, but the constant interaction and shared environment inevitably lead to some degree of influence. The adage "Those who associate with bad people become bad, and those who associate with good people become good" underscores the impact of social interactions within a large family.

Furthermore, domestic violence is influenced by our subconscious minds, which are shaped by our original families. It is not possible to identify violence as a form of harm; instead, it is perceived as a habitual pattern, which is then passed on from one generation to the next. From a cognitive perspective, it cannot be changed.

How might one avoid becoming a malevolent matriarch or a perpetrator of violence?

This necessitates a clear understanding of one's own actions, discerning whether they are right or wrong. Many individuals may lack the capacity to distinguish between right and wrong, leading to a perpetuation of erroneous behaviors. However, when awareness is cultivated and learning occurs, individuals may realize that their approach to education is flawed. The fundamental solution lies in adjusting one's understanding and recognizing the harm of violence and its impact on children.

Learning is a lifelong process that we must engage with. Growth is a process that must be learned. In learning, we must understand that parental education is of great importance and is a condition for whether a child will develop a healthy personality. It is important to encourage children to trust children and to scold children. Children who use violence in two types of family education must be encouraged and trusted so that these children can have a healthy personality.

Consequently, parenting is a continuous learning process. Parents are also relatively inexperienced in their role as parents, so they may not yet have fully matured approaches to education. It is possible to accept parents as they are, but it is not possible to pass on the mistakes of previous generations. It is necessary to correct one's own perceptions, encourage the next generation, and learn how to teach parenting methods in order to properly raise good children and cultivate the next generation.

It is my hope that this response will prove beneficial to you.

Good day, questioner.

I'm grateful you've posed such a thought-provoking question. It's a complex issue that extends beyond the original family dynamic and touches on many aspects of human life. Could you clarify if you're inquiring about the possibility of someone who was previously disadvantaged and oppressed, now in a position of strength, potentially perpetuating similar oppression towards those who are disadvantaged?

I believe there are a few reasons for this. I'd like to offer a few ideas for your consideration.

First, he was once in a disadvantaged position. Although he felt oppressed, dissatisfied, and miserable, he had never been treated any other way before, so he was unsure of how to handle the relationship. So when he reached the position of the strong, he continued to use the same methods that the strong had used on him before.

And believe that this is how everyone is.

Secondly, it could be said that we are all, at some level, seeking a sense of equilibrium. To illustrate this, if I were to lose a hundred dollars today and feel sad, I might find someone else who has lost two hundred and feel a sense of balance. It is possible that the pain we have suffered in the past may be unconsciously projected and transferred to others, which could result in a sense of equilibrium.

Third, it is often assumed that only the weak experience fear, but in fact, even the strong may have significant concerns. They may worry that they are not as strong as they believe, that their true nature will be revealed, or that they will lose their position of strength.

It would seem that they employ somewhat inelegant methods to control and oppress the weak.

My name is Haru Aoki, and I just wanted to say that I love the world and everyone in it.

Hello! I read your story and could sense your reluctance to admit this "family control gene." I guess you don't want this phenomenon to be "inherited," because your journey has been "painful." Let's explore and discuss to see if the problems in the original family are irreversible.

The young, obedient you must be disappointed.

You seem to be very sensible in a family full of violence. You grew up with a violent father and saw your sister being punished the same way. You may have hoped to satisfy your father by being good and make the violence disappear, but you were disappointed because you were mentally abused as a child. You have been looking for the root cause and trying to understand your father, but you don't like this approach. You are afraid that you will also control like your father, which would disappoint and worry you.

If we have different ideas, we should say so.

It's not easy to escape from the problems in your family of origin. But not everyone is unable to escape from the influence of their family of origin. Perhaps your grandfather and your father believed that "children are obedient when they are beaten." They firmly believe that this approach is successful. Your father is proof of this. They express their needs to the fullest.

What about you and your sister?

I don't know how my sister reacted after being beaten. Did she accept this way of life? You didn't, and you stayed silent. When you didn't express yourself, your father thought you accepted it, so he never understood your pain.

If you'd been more assertive from the start, you might have been beaten but still been seen as "good." As you grew up, you probably became more powerful and influenced your father's perception.

Harmony in family relationships means everyone has the right to express themselves. Can you understand why you suffered?

Family problems can weigh you down, but they can also help you grow.

You have a resistance to your family of origin's problems. You were "good" when you were young. You know and have knowledge, but you haven't changed. Perhaps the course of action is not optimal.

Shun's parents were harsh, but Shun gained respect. Chairman Mao's father was also rude and controlling, but Chairman Mao became a revolutionary. Problems in the family trap many people and prevent them from leaving, making their lives bleak. However, it can also be a source of strength, allowing people to see what they should avoid in life and promote awareness and change.

Try to be the latter.

⭐️ Know that being a father isn't right. Speak up and don't be afraid of violence.

⭐️ Know you have a tendency to control cute kittens and try to change.

It takes effort not to control or believe you must be controlled. Follow your perception and take positive action. Nothing ugly can be broken. In the name of love!

I love you and I'm rooting for you!

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun, and I'm thrilled to be here with you today to warmly listen to your story.

I'm thrilled to discuss this topic with you! We'll be exploring anger, hatred, forgiveness, and pardon.

1. Anger is a natural response to wounds that we don't want to face. When the wound is deep enough, when the other person is stronger than you, and when you are unable to attack, this emotion may well turn into "hatred." But here's the exciting part: you have the power to choose how you react to these challenges!

There are two kinds of hatred: hatred of others and hatred of oneself. And guess what? Hatred is an emotion that is even more damaging than anger!

If anger is punishing yourself for someone else's mistakes, then hatred is an even bigger mistake!

Anger is short-lived, but when anger turns into hatred, the consequences can be serious. But here's the good news: you can choose to turn hatred into a lifelong affair. And you can choose to live a happy, fulfilling life.

And here's another thing: hatred can also turn you into the very person you hate! Why?

"I hate you, but growing up I became just like you." The abused young wife becomes a malicious mother-in-law, the daughter who wants to change her weak mother becomes someone who avoids problems, and the victim becomes a murderer.

Hate not only puts a huge strain on you, it can also turn you into the kind of person you hate. Since hatred comes at such a high price, it's time to ask ourselves: why do so many people hate?

Hate is a form of anger. Anger is the conflict between what should be (in the mind) and what is (in reality). People feel hurt when things don't turn out the way they want, but they can also feel excited when they discover new ways of thinking about things!

So, the underlying cause of hatred is that you have been hurt, or at least you feel that you have been hurt.

It is hard to feel this hurt, and in order to avoid this pain, we are used to looking for an object outside and trying to put the blame on him. However, if you can't beat him, or for some reason you can't, then you start to hate. But here's the good news: you can choose to stop!

If you look deeply into hatred, you will find that hatred is actually hatred of oneself, hatred of one's own powerlessness, hatred of one's own suffering. Some people choose to hate others and vent outwardly. But there is another way!

Some people choose to hate themselves. It's a tough road, but it's one that can lead to some pretty serious consequences. It can trigger various mental illnesses, ranging from depression to giving up on life.

Everything has two sides, and so does hatred! Hatred can temporarily make you forget the pain. The reason why people fall prey to hatred is because they understand that if they stay away from hatred, they will have to bear the pain they have suffered. Even if hatred makes you feel like you are in hell, they are willing to become the kind of person you hate.

Hate is a common characteristic of the human brain and a built-in program that helps us temporarily escape the painful game.

2. So, how should we deal with hatred?

Many people say it's about "forgiving," and it is! But when it happens to you, you'll find that it's really hard to forgive.

The focus of forgiveness is on the other person's fault. When you focus on the other person's fault, it can be difficult to forgive. But there's a way around this!

This is why, in real life, it is so difficult for us to forgive someone. But there is hope! We can choose to forgive, even when we are looking at the other person's faults. Forgiveness is not conditional.

In relationships, we often hear people say, "If you change this or that, I'll forgive you."

Because you have suffered, you are compassionate. And you can deal with hatred in a way that is bigger than forgiveness. You can forgive.

What is forgiveness? It's a beautiful thing! The Chinese characters for forgiveness are "heart" and "as." Looking at the structure of the characters, there are two layers of meaning:

1. Amazing news! If you feel the way other people feel, it is called "position perception" in psychology.

2. When the heart is broad, the mind is at ease!

Forgiveness is about yourself and the amazing result of your own cultivation. Even if others are wrong, we cannot change them, but we can forgive ourselves and become more comfortable with ourselves. Forgiveness is hopeful because it is about your own healing and has nothing to do with others.

Forgiveness is not about excusing others, but about letting go of the pain in your heart and returning your heart to peace. It is about stepping away from biased and subjective views and stepping out into the wider world. When you forgive yourself, your horizons and your heart expand, and you see things for what they really are. You come to realize that there is actually nothing to forgive—and that's a wonderful thing!

Parents who have not been healed will pass on their wounds to their children. This is something we can change! The fatherly violence you mentioned is also due to this.

I really hope the above is helpful to you! And I just want to say that I love you and the world loves you too! ?

If you want to continue the conversation, just click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom. I'd love to keep chatting with you one-on-one!

Hello, dear.

You've experienced violence from your family, and you've also seen your younger sister suffer at their hands. It's heartbreaking to see loved ones being mistreated. Just like the story of the daughter-in-law becoming a shrew, these daughters-in-law have all experienced violence, to the extent that when they become mothers-in-law, they also repeat these violent and even abusive behaviors to some extent.

I sense that beneath the surface of this continuation of violence, there seems to be a deeper mechanism at work. It seems that the perpetrators of violence have also been victims in the past and are not simply evil people.

It's so sad, but just like your father, he also cried in his sleep at night dreaming of your grandfather, and you also cry in your sleep at night dreaming of your loved ones. This is a kind of love and unwillingness to let go of your loved ones, despite all the hurt in your relationship.

I think you want to understand this deeply because if you can understand this, you can also resolve the conflict within you. When facing a violent relative, I know you're hurt and angry to some extent, but I also know you feel sympathy and pain for them.

I'm not sure how to respond in the best way. Have you ever been in a situation like this?

Deep down, you have always retained a very soft and compassionate part of yourself, and you also have a lot of deep feelings about this part of human violence. I totally get it! I have a lot of empathy for this understanding of human violence.

I'd love to share a little bit of my own feelings with you. I truly believe that one of the main reasons violence continues is because we're all avoiding feeling our own pain.

As I said, those wives who have become bitter have all experienced a lot of bad things. Your father treated you violently, and he also experienced violence in his childhood.

When we've been treated unfairly, especially when we were little kids, how old were we? Even babies! I bet it was really scary and sad. We were also really angry and confused, wondering how our loved ones could suddenly treat us like this. And we couldn't do anything to stop it.

It's a kind of hurt and anger that's really tough to handle. So, to make it through, we all push these feelings down and try to fit in with our surroundings.

For instance, if you say that you were a good child, I think that, to some extent, it's also the underlying tone of fear. It's as if you were feeling insecure about the environment and were trying to be a good child to cooperate with adults. Is there a frightened and aggrieved child behind this?

These wounds from growing up—sadness, grievances, and anger—will actually remain largely within us. When we become adults, in similar situations, these emotions will be triggered and overwhelm us.

Let's say your dad sees you as a youngster and you're being a bit naughty. He might suddenly feel angry, sad, or any other strong emotion.

If your father isn't aware of these feelings and doesn't know that he experienced them as a child, and if he's also unable to deal with his inner restlessness, he might attribute this restlessness and anger to the naughty child in front of him. This could lead him to use a harsh approach to deal with the child, and his inner restlessness might be relieved to a certain extent by his scolding and even violence.

I'd love to know your thoughts on this. I'm also a mother, and I've been there too – being violent with my children.

Later, I took a close look at my own feelings when I was dealing with my child. I noticed that when my child did something that surprised me, deep down I felt scared. I was afraid of being scolded by my parents.

When I see this, I consciously refrain from blaming my child. Instead, I take a step back, tune in to my heart, and calm myself. I explore my inner trauma and fear and feel my own pain. I truly believe that if we want to end violence, this is probably where we need to start.

We all have the power to explore and feel our own inner pain, and to take responsibility for our own negative emotions. When we do this, we can see that the other person is only a trigger, not the source.

It's time to stop taking out your negative emotions on others. Take a moment to soothe yourself, and let your heart heal and grow.

I'd love to know if any of this resonates with you. As I'm talking, other things are coming to mind. Violence is a really complex topic.

It's also important to consider our perspective, or our thoughts. Some thoughts can even lead to violence. For example, it's natural for parents to scold and discipline their children.

It's totally normal for a mother-in-law to boss her daughter-in-law around. But if we all agree with this model of authority and these ideas, we might also condone a lot of our own violent behavior.

These ideas can make us feel like it's okay to act out when we're angry. We might lash out at the people who annoy us.

So, when faced with violence, it's really important to take a step back and think about how we see and think about violence.

Haha, you've shared so much! These are just some personal experiences and opinions.

I really believe you can put these answers into practice and experience them for yourself. Take a moment to look carefully within yourself. What are your inner feelings when faced with the rudeness of a loved one?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. What is the response that you truly approve of within yourself?

I'd love to know what you'd say to the part of you that has been treated roughly. And what about the part of you from your childhood?

I'd like to ask you a couple of questions. First, do you think violence should continue within you? And second, if you have children, how do you want to get along with them?

Take your time to explore and discover the answers you're looking for deep within your heart.

I really hope this helps! Take care of yourself!

My father was abused by my grandfather when he was young. They were poor, so there was violence and abuse. My younger sister was naughty, so my father would abuse her. Then I was the good girl, and when I grew up, they abused me mentally.

My father woke up crying because he had dreamed of my grandfather. I did the same when I was in university. They controlled and pressured me.

My parents and I couldn't understand why I was so unhappy. They loved me but hurt me. I'm also controlling with my cat.

I want to know why I used these examples. How can we stop hurting ourselves? When we do, we don't feel bad about it.

My daughter-in-law is just an example. Bosses treat employees badly, and employees treat bosses badly. This goes on and on.

It's not self-aware.