What if I see a smile on her face, and it makes me sad that my grandparents are so biased?

Dear Inquirer,

My name is Zhao Ying, and I am a psychotherapy listener. It is my hope that my response will provide a safe space for you to express your feelings.

The emotional state of the subject

This emotional state can be described as a feeling of being twisted and uncomfortable, as if one has been abandoned by one's grandparents and parents. Despite residing in the same household, one may perceive a lack of affection and support from these individuals.

Prior to attending university, I did not perceive a lack of parental affection due to their willingness to accommodate my preferences. I can relate to your situation, as I also benefited from a similar upbringing. Indeed, I value the warmth and support of a family, including the love and guidance of my parents.

"I did not particularly enjoy returning to my university residence, and when I did, I simply cared for the dog (I adopted a teddy bear, which provides a great deal of warmth). I did not particularly enjoy returning home; it was not that I did not want to return home, but rather that I was attached to the warmth at home (the adopted teddy bear). I understand that "not going home" means that you are unable to tolerate the feeling of being without warmth, and you are reluctant to see your grandparents' eyes filled with laughter at your cousin.

The individual in question is reluctant to experience further pain and distress. They have reached their limit in terms of their capacity to endure the pain associated with feeling abandoned and unloved.

I would like to suggest that you make yourself comfortable, as I require time to recuperate.

What is the optimal course of action in this situation?

I have long held the conviction that no parents are without flaws. Is this an accurate assumption?

After decades of inquiry, I was finally informed that parents can be toxic.

Subsequently, I have ceased to be preoccupied with notions of right and wrong, instead opting to pursue a path of comprehension and detachment. I have discontinued my practice of posing inquiries and instead have adopted a stance of acceptance.

I am aware that parents are imperfect beings and that they are capable of making mistakes. My own parents, for example, made a mistake in my upbringing. However, I am not preoccupied with dwelling on the past.

As my strength and abilities continue to develop, I will be able to increasingly take care of myself. I can see that in the future I will be able to live my own life.

I am able to discern the remainder, yet I retain the capacity to elect, and this will not impinge upon my existence. Do you concur?

I would like to conclude with a quote from Wu Zhihong:

All emotional experiences are valid, including those that may be perceived as negative or distressing.

Good day. I am Strawberry.

Upon learning of your confessions and troubles, it came to my attention that your cousin had been residing with your family since the fourth grade due to the divorce of her parents. It appeared that the adults in her life were more indulgent and doting on her as a result of her cousin's parents' divorce.

Grandparents demonstrate boundless tolerance and care for her, which contributes to her proclivity for irritability and a lack of emotional restraint. While the parents' divorce was precipitated by a number of factors, both parents exhibited a tendency to avoid addressing their own difficulties and to respond inadequately to the needs of their children. This pattern of behavior suggests that they were not effective parents, which is an additional factor that may have contributed to the development of the cousin's negative emotional tendencies.

Given that my cousin's age is likely to be similar to that of the original poster, she was also in her teenage years at the time. Having observed how adults treated her, she was acutely aware of the reasons behind their indulgent and doting behaviour towards her. Consequently, she exploited this indulgence and doting to become increasingly unrestrained. However, a concerning aspect is that the adults in question were unaware of the extent to which their actions had influenced my cousin.

In such circumstances, how might one respond to the observation that the subject is consistently observed to be smiling, while the grandparents evince a bias against the subject, which is experienced as a source of sadness?

It is important to accept one's emotions and allow time to demonstrate the inaccuracy of these feelings.

The attitudes of adults towards the cousin and the cousin herself are evident and biased, which causes the questioner to feel uneasy. It appears that in the eyes of everyone, the cousin is always right, regardless of her actions, and that her cousin's emotions should also be considered. The cousin is expected to be the primary focus of attention simply because her parents are divorced.

It is not uncommon for individuals to react and feel this way in response to discriminatory treatment. The original poster's tendency to accept and acknowledge one's emotions is a reflection of their typical outlook on life. Given that this behavior has been observed since childhood, it is evident that adults should refrain from treating their cousin in such a manner. Such treatment may potentially lead to distorted perceptions of life and personality, as well as a lack of respect for others.

My 28-year-old cousin is currently unemployed, maintains a lavish lifestyle, and is still regarded as exemplary by adults due to her association with a foreign partner who exhibits appropriate conduct. In fact, an examination of my cousin's present circumstances reveals that she is already unable to identify her own objectives. Should she persist in this manner, the eventual outcome will become increasingly evident.

It is important to remember that everyone is an independent individual with their own unique characteristics and qualities. It is essential to embrace one's individuality and authenticity.

From the description, it is evident that the questioner's ability to change others is limited. This is due to the discrepancy between the way adults treat themselves and their cousin, as well as the fact that they cannot tolerate their cousin's behavior and personality. It can be argued that the questioner's life and emotions are significantly influenced by the attitudes of family members.

It is important to recognize that everyone is an independent individual with their own unique perspective and actions. When an individual is content with their life and is not aware of any potential for improvement, it becomes challenging to influence their behavior. The adage "you cannot wake someone who is pretending to sleep" aptly captures this notion.

The questioner experiences relief due to the alignment of her father's perspective with her own, reflecting his capacity to perceive reality with clarity. Each individual confronts unique life challenges. Given the limitations of influencing others, it is more beneficial to embrace one's authentic self.

It is important to be aware of one's emotions and to relieve oneself in a timely manner.

From an early age, I was treated in a manner that set me apart from my peers. Despite the adults' attempts to consider my cousin's feelings and avoid causing her distress, their actions were perceived as indulgent and preferential towards me.

Given my upbringing in this environment, I am unable to advise the questioner to refrain from caring about their actions. After all, they are their own family. When I was a child, my cousin also stayed at my house for a while. My parents were very kind to her and would give her a lot of pocket money. This was a treatment I did not receive, and at that time I was unhappy. I felt that my cousin had taken away my parents' love. When I grew up, I came to understand that it was because I lacked a sense of security, and thus felt that anyone could easily take away my little bit of security. After learning, I came to recognize that the sense of security I gave was the most stable.

The questioner may typically find solace through further reading on the subject. I suggest the books Understanding is more important than love and The power of self-healing through writing. In the latter, I find the line "Take control of your actions and manage your emotions" particularly insightful.

It is recommended that the questioner identify an appropriate method for stress relief, implement a gradual reduction in the adverse effects on their own well-being, establish a healthy distance from their family, and select a lifestyle that aligns with their personal goals. It is likely that the questioner will discover that they can also lead a highly comfortable life.

It is my hope that this response will prove beneficial to the questioner. Best wishes,

Xiaowan offers the following response:

1. [Emotional compensation] First, it would be helpful to understand why your family members treat your cousin the way they do. It's not because she's better than you or they don't love you, but because this child is the unluckiest of all the children in the family. They feel guilty and compassionate towards her, and they want to compensate for the lack of parental love with their love. Whether this is effective or not is a separate issue. What they do for your cousin is not out of affection, but more out of sympathy.

It would seem that there may be some issues within the family that are not conducive to your cousin's healthy development and are also unfair to you. It is possible that you have observed the consequences of such unconditional and bottomless love, which may have contributed to your cousin's current situation.

It might be challenging for a young child to take on the significant responsibility of sympathizing with and helping their cousin.

2. Self-love and self-reliance: It is important to recognize that your cousin may not be able to fully compensate for the emotional void in her life, even with the best efforts of her family. This is because she may have yet to learn to love and respect herself, nor to take responsibility for her own life. If a person is unable to take responsibility for their own life, it is possible that even with the support of others, they may still face challenges in achieving their goals.

It is important to remember that the number of people offering help is not the most crucial factor. What matters more is your willingness to take control of your own life. It is also worth noting that not all forms of help are beneficial. Sometimes, it can even have a negative impact.

When you know that you are responsible for your own life, you can learn to love yourself and become your own master. And a person who knows how to love themselves will find that others are more likely to love them in return.