What should I do about the lack of boundaries in my "symbiosis" with my mother?

Hello!

I'm Kelly Shui, a heart detective.

From your question, I can see that you and your mother have a close relationship with no sense of boundaries. You also see how your mother and grandmother influence each other.

These influences and legacies include emotional response patterns, concepts of life, and worldviews from our original families. They affect our words and deeds, even if we don't realize it.

[About boundaries]

Whoever suffers changes. You've already realized this and have your own thoughts.

Then take action. My advice is:

1. When family roles are misaligned, problems arise.

Each role must be in its proper place for the family to function.

When family roles are out of sync, kids don't grow right. And it messes with the marriage and the parent-child relationship.

If your mother married someone else, it was her choice. If she is insecure, she will control you.

If the mother keeps acting this way, will she grow?

2: When we have a problem, we should let go when we should.

When our kids are one or two and learning to walk, or three or four and eating on their own, parents have to let go.

Can parents take care of us forever? Can they feed us forever?

We all learn to do this as we grow up, but parents don't realize it. You've grown up now and can help yourself.

When we reach adolescence, we have our own thoughts. They may be different from our parents'. We grow up on our own, and our mothers will let go. We develop ourselves through trial and error, gaining life skills.

3: British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott said, "Mothers may have their own standards and want to be in charge. I feel sorry for mothers because they have to adapt to their children."

If a mother doesn't like to go out, you'll feel depressed.

If you don't dare be yourself, you'll feel insecure and dependent on your mother.

When you are independent, remember that your mother and you are different. When you learn to do things for yourself and do them well, will you feel secure?

4: My mom resents my dad and his family, so I take her resentment out on them. In families where the dad doesn't play a parenting role, the dad needs to step up. (I'm happy for you that your dad is involved.)

A healthy family relationship is when the father focuses on the wife, which makes the child focus on the mother.

Don't involve your kids in your marriage problems. Otherwise, your family will become confused and unstable.

When you understand that these parents need to resolve their issues, the couple should do so, and the child should do what a good child should do.

[Learn to be independent]

You're in your twenties and say you lack self-care skills, but it's never too late to grow up.

Treat yourself as an adult. Respect your feelings.

2: Tell your parents you'll have your own family one day. Learn to communicate with your parents and express your feelings.

3: Some parents want to be in charge of their children when they are young but want their children to be independent when they grow up. (Many parents also try to control their children, so you can remind your mother so that she can also have the opportunity to grow.)

In your 20s, you need independence, respect, and freedom.

4: Everyone can be independent. We can't be independent just because our parents have controlled everything and thought we couldn't do anything.

If you disagree and want independence, you can talk to your parents again or do the things you're supposed to do yourself. You can also ask your parents for a "vacation" and show them you can cook.

5: Many parents help their children too much, creating a safe but boring environment.

Not letting kids be independent is the worst thing you can do.

Independence begins at birth and ends at death.

A child's birth marks the start of independence.

See "From birth to independence."

6. We assume.

A child will think and explore more as they grow.

The other child can always ask his mother for help. This makes him dependent and lazy.

You don't want to think for yourself. You wonder why you should look for answers when people can do it for you.

Which child are we depending on?

7: When we grow up, we can help our mothers feel secure by telling them what we think.

Let your mother see that you can think for yourself and encourage her to do what she likes.

Ask your mother what she wants. She had to devote a lot of time to the family when she was young, but now she can do what she wants.

For example, you can learn calligraphy, paint, recommend books for your mother to read, and give her a book entitled "Why Families Get Sick."

You are also part of the family. When you change, the whole family may change too.

9: You can also see a counselor to help you grow.

They can give you different perspectives depending on your situation.

10: Set goals and take action!

We grow together.

Happy birthday!

My mother treats me like the world, but I'm afraid she will over-interfere with me. She is quite controlling and takes care of me and micromanages everything. I feel incompetent and like a child when I'm around her. What should I do?