What should I do if a 22-year-old girl tries to attract her mother's attention by self-harming?

Dear question asker,

Given that you attempted to garner your mother's attention through self-harm, it is evident that you are driven by a profound desire for her love and affection. I am compelled to extend a gesture of comfort and embrace.

You have indicated that you have been residing under the same roof with your mother in recent days. Could you please clarify what you mean by "normally"? Is your relationship with your mother characterized by proximity and intimacy in this context?

Alternatively, might this be regarded as a normal state of life devoid of a sense of intimacy?

The subject reports feelings of fear in situations that do not align with their expectations regarding their intimate relationship. What, then, might be the source of this fear?

Has a specific incident occurred that has caused this sense of fear? Alternatively, has this feeling of fear been present from the outset, influencing your reactions subconsciously?

One might consider the matter further.

You indicated that your mother "suddenly became expressionless/didn't say a word/frowned at me/glared at me with her eyes," which prompted a subconscious freezing response, accompanied by a desire to rebel but an instinctive fear. It is plausible that you encountered a similar experience during your developmental period. Currently, at the age of 22, you are likely to possess the capacity to express your discontent and engage in rebellious behavior.

It is therefore recommended that you encourage yourself and allow yourself to gradually confront this situation.

It is challenging for individuals to challenge their parents' authority abruptly. As previously stated, "You feel ashamed of your cowardice and lack of backbone." However, subconsciously, one realizes that the responsibility for such a mistake does not lie with them. Therefore, they have done an admirable job!

It is possible to express one's needs and thoughts in moderation when one has a positive relationship with one's mother. Additionally, it is beneficial to attempt to comprehend her reasons for acting in a certain manner. However, if she ignores you and you ignore her, this kind of ineffective communication will only result in a negative emotional state for you.

The individual in question appears to be engaging in self-harm as a means of garnering their mother's attention. In addition to seeking their mother's attention, it is possible that the individual is experiencing a sense of punishment that may ultimately lead to their mother regretting her actions. It is essential to ascertain the individual's underlying motivations and longings.

In addition to maternal love, it is possible to love oneself. One might inquire whether self-love is present when self-harm is engaged in.

The aforementioned information is provided for reference only. Best regards,

Good day. My name is Yu Ting, and I am a practicing psychological counselor.

The issue at hand is the potential for self-harm as a means of garnering attention from one's mother.

As a mother, I am compelled to reflect on your question. I am therefore sharing it with you in the hope of offering a different perspective and a greater number of potential solutions to the problem.

I will deliberately and consistently maintain a physical and emotional distance from my child, often to the point of ignoring them in real-life interactions. I am uncertain as to the underlying motivation for this behavior. At times, I perceive it as a form of disdain for the child. However, upon deeper introspection, I recognize that it is, in fact, a manifestation of my own disdain, an emotion that I project onto others. It is as if the individual closest to us, in this case, the mother, serves as a conduit for these feelings.

It is also possible that the mother does not agree with some of the child's actions but is unsure of how to communicate this in a way that will be well-received. In such instances, the mother may choose to remain silent in order to avoid conflict. However, given her emotional state, her interactions with others may be less than optimal.

The behavior exhibited by your mother is, in fact, directed towards herself. It is an emotion that she is currently unable to handle effectively, resulting in unintended harm to you. I am grateful for your inquiry, which has led me to recognize that regardless of a mother's feelings of powerlessness or emotional state, she should never choose to treat her child with indifference. Regardless of a mother's actions towards her child, her love for her child remains unwavering. However, it is not uncommon for mothers to experience mood swings, making it challenging for them to demonstrate tolerance and acceptance towards their children. This is a challenging yet crucial subject for mothers to address and overcome, rather than allowing their children to bear the burden.

The solution is as follows:

It would be beneficial for you to express your current feelings to your mother. This could include describing how you feel when she does not talk to you, when she has an expressionless face, when she frowns at you, or glares at you. You could also mention your feelings of helplessness, confusion, and panic. It is likely that your mother loves you and, after understanding these feelings of yours, she will make adjustments.

Hello!

Host:

I read the post carefully and I could really feel the internal conflict, contradiction, and sadness in the content. At the same time, I also noticed that the poster has bravely faced their own heart and actively sought help on the platform, which will undoubtedly help the poster to better understand and recognize themselves and their mother.

And make the best changes you can to become the best version of yourself.

I'd also love to share some of my thoughts and observations from the post, which I hope will help the original poster gain a more diverse perspective.

1. Let's explore together why you always get stuck here.

In the post, the original poster mentioned that every time her emotions suddenly become unstable, it is because of what her mother said, the look in her eyes, or her indifferent response. It's so sad to see how this kind of feedback from her mother can make her feel so unstable.

Then, next, we can chat together about why we are like this.

In the post, the original poster mentioned that when facing your mother's feedback, you feel scared, your body will freeze, and you want to rebel but you are instinctively afraid. So here, I want to ask the original poster, is this how you have been since you were a child when faced with your mother's feedback? If this is the case, then perhaps we need to consider some of our psychology from the past.

As kids, we're all a bit narcissistic, and that's totally normal! We think the world revolves around us, and that if others are unhappy, it's because of us.

I'm not sure if the original poster has noticed that when many people were young, they believed that their parents' arguments were about them. This could be a sign that you were a child and your mother was unhappy.

It's so easy to blame ourselves when we feel ignored or left out. When we were young, we didn't have the skills to take care of ourselves, so it's no surprise that we fell into fear and anxiety.

If my mother ignores me, I'll be lost! So, the poster mentioned your own fears, so you can try to become aware of them and see if they're in line with your heart.

2. Have fun exploring your body's responses!

In the post, the poster mentioned that when faced with her mother's feedback, her body would freeze. This is something we can all relate to! From a psychological point of view, our emotions are manifested in the body. So, we can also explore our emotions by exploring the body. What is hidden behind our emotions are our needs, expectations, and desires.

So, for the host, you can also try exploring your own body's response. How do you do that?

We can focus some of our attention on our bodies, feel the sensation of being frozen, and then imagine, with this feeling, what the body would express if it could. What kind of message is it trying to tell us?

For example, many people feel their heartbeat quickening, heat, and discomfort in their heart. At this time, it's really helpful to focus your attention back on your heart, become aware of it, and feel it. Some people feel anxious.

If you're interested in exploring your body, I highly recommend reading Wu Zhihong's "The Body Knows the Answer." It has a really detailed description that I think you'll find really helpful!

This kind of exploration is a great way to understand ourselves better and make some positive changes!

3. Give yourself a little love and try to satisfy your own needs.

In your post, you mentioned that you want to attract your mother's attention by hurting yourself. It's so important to remember that our behavior is the external manifestation of our mental activity.

So, from this sentence, we can see that the hostess has a need, and you seem to be very eager to get your mother's attention. I'd love to know what your mother's attention means to you.

This is something we can all think about together!

For many of us, our mommas' attention means love because, as they say, "seeing is loving." So, what else can we do for ourselves? Let's assume for a moment that our mommas can't meet our needs. In your post, you mentioned that you are 22 years old.

This also means that you've grown up, that you're capable of taking care of yourself, and that you're ready to take on more responsibility for your own life, emotions, and needs. So, if your mom can't meet your needs, you can try to meet them yourself.

I'd love to know, when we satisfy our own needs, will we have some new experiences?

I really hope these are helpful and inspiring for you! At the same time, I'd also love it if you could give yourself some time and space, because change doesn't happen with just one answer. You might need to learn more, maybe even learn some psychology, which could really help you.

Hello, I'm Teacher Yuxin. I can see you're going through a really tough time. You're doing a great job of trying to control the urge to self-harm, but it's clear you're also trapped in a lot of anger.

I know it can be tough, but try not to think about "why" for now.

While it's true that self-exploration is the key to psychological growth, it's also true that thinking during emotional reactions can narrow one's consciousness and focus only on the things that emotions require attention.

For instance, when we're feeling really sad, we tend to focus on all the bad things in the world. But when we're feeling happy, we see the world as a really hopeful and prosperous place. There are all kinds of things that can make us feel this way, but our emotions help us to focus on the things that matter most to us.

It's so important to pay full attention to your emotions, rather than exploring them.

It's not that your experiences are false. In fact, all of your internal responses are real, but only your emotional experiences may be true. Feeling anger, fear, and depression are all real, and it is these real parts that require attention.

As for the questions you're asking yourself, like "What kind of person was your mother? Why did she treat you that way? Did she hate you? What else was there in your relationship?" — these are all important questions. And the good news is, you can explore them when you're feeling emotionally stable. That way, you'll be able to see the different sides of your relationship with your mom and take responsibility for your own feelings, as well as for her actions.

"Deal with emotions before things."

—From what you've told me, I think what you need is an advisory relationship to help you process all those intense emotions and help you feel stronger inside. When you feel stronger inside, you'll feel calmer.

Once you've done that, you can start thinking about your own personal growth and relationships. If you feel like you need some extra help, you can also look into getting some medical treatment. Together, we can find the right medication to help regulate your body and emotions.

In your everyday life, try to do less thinking and more activity, take some nice deep breaths, and learn to distract yourself when you need to.

Wishing you all the best!

The inquiry you have posed is akin to that of a young girl who has been awaiting the attention of her mother. This girl, residing within your heart, is isolated and helpless, a situation that is genuinely distressing.

It is evident that harming oneself in an attempt to garner one's mother's attention is an ineffective and detrimental approach. However, it is understandable that this is a perception that is perceived as a means of providing a sense of helplessness. It is my intention to assist in the process of differentiating between this perception and the reality of the situation.

1. Identify the underlying cause within the context of the close relationship.

From the information provided in your narrative, it can be inferred that your mother displays a tendency towards strictness and a lack of warmth, which often results in feelings of fear and helplessness on your part.

It is plausible that during your childhood, your mother did not provide you with an adequate level of love and attention.

From the moment of birth, parents possess immense influence over their children, establishing a dynamic of dependency and control.

When parents provide their children with sufficient love and attention, the children will experience a robust sense of security, exhibiting tendencies towards optimism, positivity, and trust. Conversely, when parents adopt a strict, impatient, or inattentive parenting style, children may feel adrift and lose their sense of security, leading to the emergence of anxiety and panic.

The child is unable to evade the influence of the parents, and thus must adapt to them by modifying their own behavioral patterns.

It is possible that, as a result of your mother's harshness and lack of warmth during your childhood, you have developed a pattern of relating to her that involves being submissive, compliant, and dependent, while also experiencing deep anger. This is not a personal failing; it is simply a coping mechanism that you have been forced to adopt.

From your account, it appears that the manner in which your mother treats you has remained consistent, thereby maintaining the same close relationship with her. However, during your youth, you were reluctant to express your anger in her presence. Now that you are an adult, you are able to discern the anger that resides within you.

It is possible that the mother does not hate the child. The perception of being hated by one's mother is often a self-fulfilling prophecy that arises when a child feels that they are not receiving sufficient attention and love from their mother. In such instances, the child may internalize the blame for their parents' apparent disinterest, leading to the belief that they are undeserving of their parents' affection.

The inner child has not matured due to a lack of love and nurturing in the relationship with the mother. As a result, the child is still waiting and pleading for the mother's love, even to the point of self-injury to gain attention.

The child within has never matured due to a lack of affection and care in an intimate relationship. As a result, the individual is still awaiting and requesting their mother's love, even resorting to self-harm to garner attention.

2. Cultivate the inner strength to mature.

2. Cultivate the strength to grow from within.

The parents a child is born into is a factor that is largely beyond our control. If a child is born into a family where the parents are unable to provide sufficient love and nurturing, it is important to find the strength within oneself to allow the inner child to develop and grow.

The initial step is to cultivate self-acceptance. The inner child has been isolated for an extended period, experiencing persistent feelings of vulnerability and helplessness. It is essential to reassure her that her feelings are valid, offer her physical affection, and provide her with a sense of warmth and companionship.

It is imperative to learn to listen to her, to discern her needs, and to treat her with gentleness.

The second step is to establish clear boundaries with your mother. You have indicated that you experience emotional instability when your mother makes certain statements, looks at you in a certain way, or responds in a seemingly indifferent manner. Furthermore, you have noted that your mother has recently ceased communication with you, and this has occurred without any apparent explanation.

The emotions of one's mother can exert a significant influence on an individual, and it is therefore important to develop the capacity to differentiate between one's own emotions and those of one's mother.

It is important to note that one should not devote an excessive amount of attention to the emotional state of one's mother. There are numerous potential causes for her emotional display, and as long as she does not explicitly communicate her feelings to you, it is advisable to regard her emotions as having no bearing on your own.

In the event that she explicitly alludes to the matter, it is imperative to engage in objective discourse and refrain from allowing her emotional influence to impede your judgment.

The third is to identify a life goal. You are already 22 years old, and you may be facing the prospect of leaving your parents and living independently at any time. Your future has numerous potential avenues. Is it not appealing to engage in careful life planning?

It is important to believe that parents ultimately love their children and that the way your mother is making you feel is a limitation on her part. However, it is equally important not to let that limitation limit you as well.

It is recommended that you focus on yourself. Once you are able to live independently and experience happiness, your mother will respect you as an adult, and your relationship with her may become more comfortable and easier.

Good day, Sir. I am in a cheerful mood.

I am grateful for your inquiry. After reviewing your description, I have a more comprehensive understanding of the question you seek to address. I empathize with your situation and wish you the best.

From the problems you described, it can be surmised that your current thoughts are a result of an intense desire for care and attention from your mother. This has led you to pursue your desired outcomes through somewhat extreme means. It is evident that you place a significant value on your mother's evaluation and thoughts of you, which has influenced your actions to a certain extent.

Indeed, as evidenced by the aforementioned description, there is a notable absence of effective communication between you and your mother. This deficiency in communication has led to the emergence of certain behavioral issues between the two of you. For instance, you perceive a significant amount of your mother's body language to be devoid of its intended meaning. However, in this context, your interpretation of her body language is perceived as the actual meaning behind it.

It is evident that there are communication issues between you and your mother.

With regard to the assertion that your mother hates you, it is my view that it is implausible that any parent would not love their child. Indeed, it is likely that there are few, if any, exceptions to this. It is true that your mother gave birth to you and still loves you, but it is also true that there are certain issues with the way she has raised you. This is because she believes that she is applying the correct way of raising you without considering your actual desires at the time.

Furthermore, this is the inaugural experience of motherhood for your mother, which inherently presents unique challenges and opportunities for growth.

In this regard, I have also provided a summary of methods that may assist in alleviating the current situation, with the hope that they will prove beneficial to some extent.

(1) Attempt to confront the underlying fears that you harbor within your heart. Regardless of how daunting the situation may seem, endeavor to instill within yourself a greater sense of fortitude to confront it and effect a transformation.

(2) It would be beneficial to express yourself more to your mother and communicate your true thoughts and feelings, with the aim of resolving the issues between you and your mother.

(3) When an individual is experiencing negative affect, it is beneficial to engage in activities that facilitate the expression of emotions. These may include journaling, listening to music, engaging in conversation, or participating in physical activities. It is important to note that these activities should be utilized as a means of releasing emotions rather than as a means of suppressing them.

(4) It is recommended that individuals attempt to distract themselves more frequently by engaging in activities that align with their personal interests, rather than persisting in situations that elicit negative emotions.

(5) It is recommended that you focus on yourself rather than on your mother, given that you are an independent individual with your own thoughts.

(6) It is recommended that a certain boundary be established, namely that one's mother's affairs are her own and not one's own. In other words, one should avoid excessive involvement in one's mother's affairs in order to protect oneself to the greatest extent possible.

The world and I extend our affection to you.

Sincerely,