What should I do if I discover that my spouse's way of handling things is selfish?

It is advisable to exercise caution when confronted with significant challenges in a marriage. It is important to recognise that marriage is not a casual undertaking and that adopting a prudent approach to this institution is commendable.

You state, "In the context of marriage, I have observed that my partner's approach to life is characterized by a notable degree of self-centeredness. I am acutely aware of the shortcomings in his character. It seems futile to invest any genuine effort, as the situation remains unresolved. I have learned to suppress my feelings, and as a result, I experience a lack of inner peace."

Indeed, the essence of marriage is founded upon mutual sincerity and cooperation for the benefit of both parties, whereby each individual can strive to become a better version of themselves within the marriage and achieve success collectively. It is not a matter of one party giving and the other taking; love that is not reciprocated is not love, but rather endurance.

From your statements, it is evident that you have endured and made sacrifices due to your partner's selfishness and indifference. However, if you continue to endure and provide, your partner's behavior will remain unchanged. This is the key factor that contributes to your feelings of helplessness and reluctance to tolerate the situation further.

It is challenging to alter one's personality. In the event that communication regarding the issues in your marriage has not been sufficiently addressed, it is advisable to engage in a constructive dialogue. Should communication prove ineffective, it may be necessary to contemplate the future. One may also consider seeking the guidance of a marriage and family counselor to salvage the marriage.

If one is no longer experiencing positive affect, it may be beneficial to set a time for oneself and to consider offering one's partner another opportunity. Forming a family is a challenging process, and it is not uncommon for individuals to find it difficult to tolerate behaviors that they perceive as selfish.

The institution of marriage is not without its challenges, and it is imperative that we approach it with a sense of appreciation and respect. Those who fail to value their marital bond may not be a suitable partner for long-term commitment. It is, therefore, crucial to assess the compatibility and mutual respect within a marriage. Best wishes.

Hello, question asker.

I can tell from what you wrote that you're disappointed, frustrated, and feel helpless in your marriage. It's clear you're not happy at the moment, but you still want to maintain it. I'm curious about what's motivating you to stay?

I also saw you say that you clearly feel the other person's character flaws. I'm curious about what those character flaws are like. Are there any positive qualities in the other person that you once admired?

I also read that you said it isn't worth giving your heart, that you're generous, but you feel suffocated inside, that you're calculating and can't find peace in life. I can feel your suffocation and your calculations. If you don't calculate, you feel suffocated again. I'm very curious. How do you usually deal with your emotions when you feel aggrieved? How do you comfort yourself?

What can you do to feel more comfortable? What's the hardest part?

Why did you decide to go through with this? What would have happened if you hadn't?

You seem to value tranquility a lot. Why is that?

Issues have come up in all areas of your relationship. How do you typically handle them?

Right now, I just feel unhappy no matter what, and I can't help it. I can tell you're dissatisfied with your marriage, disappointed, and feeling helpless. It's really tough. I'm curious about how you usually get through it, and what kind of strength supports you?

I'd love to hear how this has affected you.

What kind of qualities do you have? Think about your own qualities and then look back at what you've written. What you plan to do in the future will affect how your marriage develops.

I hope this helps you figure things out a bit.

Hello, I'm Xin Tan. I'm Fei Yun's coach.

I can see you're struggling in your marriage. It's mainly because of your partner's flaws and disagreements that you have problems and conflicts in your relationship.

No divorce. Adjust your relationship. Let's share and discuss.

Love is like water: everyone knows if it's cold or hot.

No one can judge other people's marriages. It's like a pair of shoes – only the wearer knows if they fit.

Since they got married, they were attracted to each other. But why does it fade over time, and why do they become bad reviewers of each other?

"It's not worth it to pay," "being generous suffocates you, and being calculating brings no peace." You feel your grievances and suffocation in your relationship.

Home is a place where love is more important than reason. But real life makes us argue and reason.

For example, it's almost New Year's Eve, and some couples argue about giving their parents holiday money. In the coming year, children's tuition fees and homework tutoring can also lead to marital conflicts.

People have different personalities and habits. Their parents' patterns also affect their marriage and life.

A happy marriage requires adjustments. This includes adjusting interests, living habits, and family dynamics. If you feel your partner's character is intolerable, it's because their values, perspectives, and feelings differ from yours.

If it's not about principles, you can lower your expectations and see the good intentions behind your partner's actions. Even wrong actions have good intentions.

2. Change yourself to improve communication and the relationship.

We often demand, control, and change others in the name of communication.

The key to effective communication is love. Express your feelings and opinions with trust and respect, and listen to the other person. Are we judging and labeling too easily?

Is there a hidden truth?

The truth often comes from looking at things from different angles. Family conflicts and marital problems often come from a lack of communication.

It takes two to tango. You may feel more aggrieved, but relationships are formed through interaction. Just like in the movie "Love Dance," you can't complete the project without a good dance partner.

We can't change others, but we can change ourselves to save our marriage. When we change, others will change too.

Before marriage, we see the other person's faults. After marriage, we see their good points. Every family has its own problems. When we look back, we realize that the "chaos" was just us being too concerned.

Since you've decided not to divorce easily, why not try harder to change?

Marriage is about your happiness. Men and women are different, so accept him.

I hope this helps. I love you.

To continue the conversation, click "Find a coach" in the top right or bottom. I will communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

Good day. I am Strawberry.

From the questioner's account, it is evident that the questioner's stance is ambivalent and their emotions are repressed. It is clear that the marital relationship is beset with difficulties, and that there are numerous issues that cannot be resolved. However, due to a multitude of external factors, the option of divorce is not a viable alternative.

The primary issue in this marriage is the character flaws of the questioner's partner. The questioner may have attempted to modify their behavior in the past but encountered limitations in their ability to do so. An individual's character is shaped by their upbringing and the individuals with whom they interact, and it is challenging to alter one's character as an adult.

The pivotal factor in effecting change

In the text, the questioner provides a concise yet perceptive account of the conflicts and challenges that arise from the marriage, attributing them to the partner's personality and character. These issues, which may initially appear minor, gradually accumulate, leading to a sense of indifference and even mutual disgust.

The compatibility of two individuals in a relationship is largely determined by the extent to which their personalities align. This is why, prior to marriage, individuals tend to seek partners who exhibit similar or contrasting personalities. A harmonious compatibility in personality enables a greater level of mutual understanding and a reduced discrepancy in one's outlook on life.

The character of an adult is not beyond improvement; however, the key to change lies within the individual. When a partner is unable to recognize the impact of their own character traits on the marriage and is unwilling to modify them, it becomes challenging for the other partner to understand and move forward together, despite the other partner's efforts to maintain the relationship and contribute to its positive development.

The underlying cause of this mutual torment

In regard to the current situation, the questioner is aware that he and his partner engage in a pattern of behavior that is akin to mutual torment. Despite recognizing that they are not experiencing a state of happiness, he is unable to effect a change in the circumstances. As a result, he experiences a profound sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

The questioner has attempted to be benevolent, yet feels stifled; she has endeavored to be prudent, yet her existence is not serene. The reason for her discontent with the status quo and continued mutual suffering is that she is reluctant to acknowledge that despite her actions, she has not attained genuine affection, but rather has incurred irritation.

This reluctance permits emotional control, internal conflict, and periodic involvement in negative emotions such as anger, resentment, and sadness.

It is necessary to re-plan one's life.

The questioner's focus on their partner and married life results in disappointment and an inability to let go of this marital situation. To effect change, the questioner must re-plan their lives.

1. Incorporate a Hobby: Select hobbies that you can maintain in the present from the lifestyle you once aspired to, such as fitness, dancing, singing, painting, and so forth. It is not necessary to be proficient at the activity; merely feeling happy and relaxed during the process is sufficient.

2. Expand social circles: In married life, social circles tend to contract due to the presence of family, resulting in a shift in lifestyle that prioritizes time with positive and optimistic friends and family. Prolonged exposure to positive individuals can also lead to a change in one's own mentality, becoming more optimistic. Additionally, the perspective and solutions considered may differ when viewed through the lens of positivity.

3. Repositioning: Given that we are partners, our expectations will inevitably differ. Consequently, we will experience disappointment when our expectations are not met. Given that we are unable to alter our partner's behavior and our partner is similarly unwilling to change, we can reposition the relationship with our partner, lower our expectations, and even cease expecting anything. Over time, our partner's actions will cease to affect us.

It is important to note that change is a process that may require significant time and effort. However, the potential for change is already present within the individual who has identified the desire to alter the status quo. By taking action, the individual can facilitate the realization of this change.

It is my hope that my response will prove beneficial to the original poster. Wishing you the best.

Hello, In just two sentences, you have revealed a great deal about your own helplessness and a sense of powerlessness. First, set a limit for yourself: you will not get a divorce easily. When you give yourself this hint that you cannot get a divorce to deal with this problem, it means that you are suffering in the marriage.

It is important to acknowledge that we cannot accept the other person in their entirety, and that they possess certain character flaws.

1. Labeling the Partner

When a partner's actions or behaviors do not align with our expectations or standards, we tend to label them as a "character flaw." When we communicate our conscious thoughts to our subconscious, we may unintentionally reinforce the perception that the problem is inherent to the other person, that they are unable to change, and that they are fixed in their current state. This constant reinforcement can lead to feelings of suffocation and a perception that the other person is undesirable and cannot be treated well.

Please describe the impact of this action on your married life and overall quality of life.

Labeling will result in inner pain and is ineffective in changing the relationship between the two people. If there is no desire to change and your attitude is discernible to the other person, it will become a marriage of rigidity.

2. If you are unable to divorce and do not intend to change, it will only exacerbate the challenges of the marriage. It is advisable to consider making changes to improve the situation and enhance your quality of life.

If you have no intention of divorcing and no plans to leave your spouse at this time, your only option is to maintain the marriage.

What is the best way to maintain a marriage without suffering? What is the optimal way to treat our partner in this situation?

How can we negotiate and cooperate in this relationship in a way that is mutually beneficial?

Do not concentrate on the other person's characteristics; instead, concentrate on your own shortcomings and how you can improve. Use a self-satisfying approach to overcome your own difficulties.

3. Eliminate the "labeling"

It is important to note that labeling does not improve relationships. Instead, it is more beneficial to focus on identifying the positive aspects of the other person. While this individual may possess certain shortcomings, they also have strengths and qualities that are valuable. It is essential to reflect on the reasons why you initially chose this person and consider the aspects that you value and like about them.

The term "character flaw" creates an unchangeable situation with the other person. Replacing it with alternative descriptions, such as "I want this person to pay attention to me, be nice to me, give me gifts, or keep me company and chat with me," allows for a more concrete understanding of one's needs and the establishment of a relationship based on mutual benefit.

Resentment can negatively impact interpersonal dynamics and hinder the growth of relationships.

When we have a clear direction, we must consistently motivate ourselves to achieve happiness. We must also consider how we can leverage our relationships to serve our own needs, rather than remaining in a relationship with someone who is indifferent and ultimately detrimental to our well-being.

4. Select a course of action that will enhance your personal growth.

If you were currently residing alone, how would your lifestyle differ?

Please describe some of the positive experiences you have had in your life.

Please describe the benefits you have derived from this relationship.

Once you have completed the comparison, take a moment to collect your thoughts before making your decision. You have the best understanding of your own needs and circumstances, so trust your instincts. Once you have made your choice, acknowledge your own decision-making process and the outcome.

Hello, question asker!

Reading this paragraph makes me feel both conflicted and distressed, but also excited for what the future holds!

It seems that the other half of the marriage is not the right person for you, but you're stuck there for now. Why not? Perhaps you don't want a divorce, or perhaps you think you can't get one. Either way, you're in a holding pattern.

Your words reveal a suffocating pressure, but I also see your desire to change and improve the relationship. You're even holding back your grievances to gain peace. I'm not sure if this is the most effective approach, but I can see that you feel powerless.

I agree with you wholeheartedly! It depends not only on you, but also on the other person's character. You mentioned that the other person is selfish, and I think that in this marriage, perhaps you have been neglected more.

This has led me to some exciting new thoughts, which I would love to share with you!

Absolutely! Taking care of yourself is so important in marriage.

When you get married, it's a wonderful thing! Your focus will slowly shift to your family, your partner, and your children. It's a natural process. But in the process, have you neglected yourself too much?

In particular, if you talk about wanting to be generous but suffocating yourself, think about this: could such a sacrifice really bring peace? And if the other person is selfish, as you mentioned in the title, think about this too: could you become a victim too?

Now, imagine if you were to hold back your emotions in order to avoid conflict with your spouse. Although you may avoid arguments, this may be replaced by indifference. Not only will the problem remain unresolved, but the two of you will also grow further apart.

It's time for a new way of thinking! Start by making yourself happy and taking care of yourself. It doesn't matter if the other person is selfish or not, or if they're happy or not. You can always take care of yourself, right? When you're relaxed and happy, your thinking will become more open, and your solutions will be more effective!

What is the purpose of marriage?

When you first entered into marriage, I'm sure you were brimming with expectations, looking forward to loving and supporting each other. But as the days passed, it became something else – why isn't he treating me as well as he used to?

Why can't he think like I do? Why can't he do what I say?

When these thoughts arise, it's a great time to pause and think about our original intentions. When you first got married, did you aim to change the other person?

If not, even if you often feel that the other person is selfish, that is not your responsibility, right? You only need to be responsible for yourself, which is great because it means you get to decide how you want to live your life!

Marriage is part of you, but it's not all of you. And since it's your marriage, you're in control! You have the ability and responsibility to take control of your marriage.

Marriage is an amazing thing! It's especially important after having children, as there are so many wonderful things to consider. Entering marriage is a happy event, but leaving it is a bittersweet step.

When we encounter problems, the first thing we may think of is how to solve them. I'm sure you've made a lot of efforts and assessed the problem, because you did not specifically talk about what the other person's character flaws are, so it is not easy to start. Let me talk about my thoughts for your reference.

First, let's look beyond the surface of the problem and see the essence!

You say that when relationships become stale, all kinds of problems will arise. Is it really the case that a stale relationship is the key problem? Absolutely not!

Now, let's dive into what's been cooling down the relationship. Could it be that the spark has fizzled out a little?

Could it be that you're both feeling the pressure at work and could use more time to share your feelings? Or perhaps you're having a few hiccups over minor details?

So, why is there a lack of communication? Well, the good news is that the school of transactional analysis (TA) that I studied talks about three modes of communication (complementary communication, cross-communication, and hidden communication). And guess what? Cross-communication is one of the modes that can prevent two people from communicating. So, have you thought about your mode of communication?

Absolutely! There are ways to solve these problems.

It's like peeling an onion! You find the cause layer by layer and solve it layer by layer.

2. Once again, we get to assess our own willingness and ability to change, as well as that of the other person!

For example, does your partner share your desire to change? If not, don't worry! You can still guide your partner to act together with you.

If the other person is unwilling to change, don't worry! You can still motivate them on your own.

And don't forget to think about whether your expectations of marriage are in line with your partner's abilities.

For example, if you expect 100% happiness in your marriage, and he is unable to surprise you on holidays or understand your innermost thoughts, and if he is not very emotional and introverted and not good at expressing himself, then even if he tries his best, he may only be able to achieve 70%. But that's OK! You can still make it work.

3. Finally, after the above thinking and evaluation, you may have a clearer view of your marriage—and it's going to be a great one!

Sometimes, stopping in time is a great option! Of course, you need to deal with all aspects of the problem and think it through.

I'm Wang Xuejing, a psychological counselor, and I'm thrilled to have been able to provide you with some helpful answers! If you'd like to go deeper, I'd love to chat with you further.

Hello, my dear friend. I want to give you a big, warm hug!

From what you've said, I can see how you feel like you're at the end of your rope.

You say that it is definitely impossible to get a divorce easily. I hear you! That means that, on the premise of not getting a divorce, how can you make yourself a little happier? With this premise, let's see what we can do, my friend.

First, try to accept your situation and the current state of your marriage. It can be really hard, but it's important to try to let go of any expectations you have and to give up on the marriage and the other person completely.

I can see that you're really struggling at the moment. It's so hard when we're in a situation like this and we're not giving up. I know you still hope for the best from your partner, you still hope that they will truly devote themselves to you, and I can see how upsetting it is that your devotion has not been reciprocated.

It's so easy to get caught up in expectations and feel aggrieved. I totally get it! When I encounter this situation, I always tell the visitor, first of all, that they have to give up.

It's so important to remember not to expect anything from the other person. Treat them as a partner, someone you can use.

It doesn't matter if you're raising kids together, sharing finances, or just looking for a little support in your marriage — treat your partner as a partner you can work with. Don't think of it as a soulmate situation.

I know it can be really tough when you're in a situation like this. It's natural to want things to change, but if you don't resign yourself to your fate, you'll only end up feeling frustrated and stuck. It's not good for your work, life, health, or children, and it's definitely not good for your well-being.

Secondly, it's so important to do your own thing and work hard to improve yourself.

When you let go of your expectations of the other person, it's time to focus on you! Work hard, learn, grow, live, and regulate your emotions.

It's totally normal to feel a little resentful when you stop focusing on the other person and start paying attention to your own affairs. It's natural to wonder, "Why should I be the one doing all the work while the other person just enjoys it?"

I know it can be tough when things don't change as quickly as we'd like. It might be best to put this on the back burner for now. It's so important to be able to let go, but if you're struggling with that, just remind yourself that this isn't your main task right now. Try to live with it as best you can.

You can even set aside a little time every day to deny your fate, complain, and feel dissatisfied if you want to. But after that time is up, you can't dwell on it anymore. It's time to get on with your own business, with what's related to yourself, what can make you grow, and what can spoil you.

Third, you can use your changes to subtly influence the other person.

In a relationship, when one person makes a change, it's only natural that the other person will be affected too.

If you're calm enough not to push your changes on the other person, they might not be used to it and come back to cooperate with the change.

But this is a nice little surprise, so don't make it part of your plan. It's always great to have it, even if you didn't expect it!

Who knows what might happen? Maybe the millennial stone won't loosen, but you've already given up hope, so you can accept any outcome.

You might also find it helpful to talk to a counselor.

I'm a psychological counselor who gets the ups and downs of life, but I'm always here for you. I love the world and I love you!