When my parents show concern for me, what am I angry or afraid of, and how can I resolve it?

There are a few possibilities, and I'm sure you'll agree that the guesses may not be comprehensive. But they can be used as a method of elimination to find the cause, and that's what we're here to do!

Parents' concern goes beyond the normal situation, such as telling us to eat more and wear more, but we are already full and dressed for the temperature. At this time, we don't want their concern, and if they say one more word, we will feel impatient and angry.

If we didn't follow our parents' advice and something bad happened, we'd probably get a little scolded.

For instance, if we didn't listen to our parents and had a tummy ache after eating too much, or caught a cold after not wearing enough clothes, our parents would gently scold us, saying things like "if you don't listen to your elders." This situation may not occur when we grow up, but the process we experienced as children was so profound that even if we won't be scolded when we grow up, we will still have a stress response to the "consequences of disobedience" and feel a sense of fear towards our parents' initial concern.

But since there were no consequences when we grew up, we were never scolded, so we developed an aversion to our own fears. This aversion would instantly turn into anger towards our parents, and we felt that their concern was unnecessary.

Parents care for us in so many ways. They want to keep us safe and healthy. Sometimes, though, they might not tell us right away if they're not feeling well. Maybe they have a stomach illness or a cold. They might not tell us directly, or they might not tell us at all.

Then, because I wasn't feeling well, I knew I had to pay more attention to my diet or keep warm, so I cared about us and reminded us to dress warmly and eat well. If we didn't do as we were told, we might have ended up in a tricky situation.

If we do as they say, our parents may still say, "How come you didn't know to care for your parents when they reminded you?" It can be tough when our parents ask us this, especially when we feel like we should've known better. But, it's important to remember that showing concern is also about returning that care to our parents. Sometimes, it's not always easy to know what to do, but we can always try our best!

The words are a bit cryptic, and the concern expressed isn't meant to be concerned, but has an underlying meaning. I'm not quite sure about the deeper reasons for this problem on the part of the parents, but I'm sure they have their reasons. This is just the situation between my parents and me regarding the issue of concern.

It's a tricky situation, isn't it? It's clear that the parents are trying to show they care, but no matter what the content of their care is, they end up accusing each other. It's either the parent accusing the child or the father talking badly about the mother, or the mother talking badly about the father. When we hear this, we naturally feel fear and anger, and we don't know how to respond, because no matter what the response is, it is wrong.

Our brains are pretty amazing, but they can sometimes make mistakes. When our parents show concern by saying something, our brain has four options to choose from (because the summary is not necessarily comprehensive, there may be more options). Sometimes, we might make the wrong choice, and that can lead to feelings of fear and anger.

It's totally normal to get angry sometimes! It's just that we've grown up learning how to take care of ourselves, and it can be uncomfortable to communicate with us indirectly without saying what we mean.

If you're wondering if you're afraid of being loved, think about whether you feel afraid or fearful when other people care about you. For example, if friends or colleagues ask if you're feeling well or if you're uncomfortable, do you feel afraid or fearful? Do you feel like what they're doing is unnecessary?

If not, the fear is only from the love of parents. What you really need to do is work on your relationship with your parents and try to improve how you get along with them.

If you're afraid of being loved, it's important to consider whether this is the root of your stress. It's possible that the real issue stems from your parents, but you might be turning away love because you're afraid.

Let's say, for instance, that you're afraid of mice and your fear has spread to other furry animals.

The good news is that the problem of generalization can be solved! It's a matter of slowly adapting to other things again. Desensitization techniques are a great way to do this.

If the problem is only with your parents, you can try to communicate more with them, chat more often, and increase your mutual understanding. If it is not just a matter of your parents, it is still recommended to go to a physical or psychological counseling agency, take a test and get counseling, find out the cause, and make adjustments according to your actual situation. You've got this!

The questioner: The present is absolutely amazing! Be grateful for having met.

After reading your words, I can see you're confused about these emotions you feel. Don't worry, I'm here to help! I'll try to explain them to you in a way that makes sense.

There's no right or wrong in emotions! They're a natural part of who we are and help us navigate the world. Past experiences have shaped how you feel and experience emotions. When something similar happens again, the same emotions will arise spontaneously, before you even realize what's happening. It's a fascinating process!

You said that you feel fear when your parents show concern for you and do things for your benefit, and that then turns into anger. This shows that on the surface, your parents are concerned about you, but in fact, what you feel internally is not concern, but pressure and even control. They violate your boundaries, so you feel anger. But here's the good news! You can take control of this situation. You can express these emotions consistently to your parents and tell them how you feel, which will help you reconcile with these emotions, whether you know the source of your emotions or not.

For example, your parents might ask you how your work is going or when you are getting married.

And so on! These may be topics you don't want to talk about at the moment, but you can always come back to them later. Their repeated questioning makes you have to face it, which puts pressure on you and makes you irritated or even angry.

Absolutely! You can express these emotions consistently to your parents and tell them how you feel. This will help you reconcile with these emotions, whether you know the source of your emotions or not.

I really hope my answer is helpful to you! I wish you the absolute best!

This is a pertinent and thought-provoking question.

A careful reading of your question leads me to conclude that you are experiencing some psychological confusion regarding your relationship with your parents.

This is a problem that is experienced by the majority of individuals during their developmental period.

The following analysis and advice are offered in an effort to provide insight and guidance.

[Correctly understand your emotions]

The questioner did not describe his age group, but from the situation described, it can be inferred that he is in adolescence, which is a "transitional period" in psychology.

This stage is typified by a growing sense of independence and self-awareness, as well as a strong desire to evade adult supervision.

As the questioner describes, when his parents express care or kindness towards him, he experiences fear and then transforms it into anger.

The subject displays a subconscious opposition to his parents' behavior of treating themselves as "children" and posing as adults.

In order to demonstrate that you are "different," you tend to resist or criticize the actions of your parents, employing a range of methods, including emotional responses, to establish an equal status between your self and the external world. This process often gives rise to emotional experiences of "fear" and "anger."

This psychological and emotional reaction is not indicative of "love incompetence" or "psychological trauma." However, when it is particularly pronounced, it may be indicative of an abnormal psychological state.

[One must consider the original family as a potential source of the issue].

The aforementioned psychological and emotional reactions are not solely the general reasons why adolescents are in a psychological "transition period."

The environment in which an individual is raised within their family of origin also plays a role.

Although the questioner did not provide additional background information, the lack of parental companionship and communication, or the parents' excessive desire for control, can all contribute to the acceleration and exacerbation of negative psychological and emotional reactions during the "transition period."

In the latter case, the questioner does not describe a situation where the child was taught to expect care and affection from an early age.

Nevertheless, some parents fail to recognize their children's developmental potential and persist in treating them as if they were infants, prohibiting them from engaging in certain activities under the guise of providing care. This approach can foster a rebellious attitude in children.

[Identify a method of self-regulation]

The question then becomes how to address the negative psychological and emotional reactions that often accompany this period of transition.

It is, of course, necessary for both parents and the child to work together.

First and foremost, it is imperative to establish an accurate comprehension of self-growth, as previously discussed, in order to mitigate feelings of tension and helplessness.

Secondly, it is advisable to attempt to divert one's attention to other pursuits.

Furthermore, when a conflict arises between you and your parents, it is beneficial to reflect on their actions, empathize with their perspective, and regulate your emotions.

Furthermore, it is advisable to seize the appropriate opportunity to communicate with one's parents. This entails clearly conveying one's thoughts, opinions, and suggestions. Such communication can foster a harmonious family atmosphere and help regulate the occurrence of negative emotions.

It is my hope that the aforementioned suggestions will prove beneficial to you.

Good day. Your parents demonstrate concern for your well-being and treat you with kindness. However, this evokes feelings of fear and anger within you, which is a source of confusion.

This confusion arises from the assumption that being cared for and treated well is a universal need, leading to the expectation that we should be happy when we receive it. However, it is often observed that parents' care and love are resisted and avoided by their children, particularly during adolescence.

It is possible that what children require from their parents is not the same kind of care that they receive, but rather respect, equality and personal space. When children feel that their parents' love is a pressure that invades their personal space, they may experience fear and anger.

In addition, I am unaware of the nature of your relationship with your parents in the past. Was their attitude towards you consistent, or did it change significantly and unpredictably? If a parent's attitude fluctuates, it can also cause psychological insecurity in children. When things are good, they may fear that this "good" will change or be lost.

Another possibility is that the care and love of parents gives the child a sense of "conditional love." In other words, there are expectations and demands behind this love, and the child feels that they owe their parents something and must meet their expectations in order to deserve their love.

In such instances, parental love can evoke feelings of fear. Anger is often a secondary emotion that transforms fear into resistance and aggression.

The above analysis is intended to provide a few ideas for your consideration. You may wish to observe your own needs in more detail and then decide whether to have an honest exchange with your parents to let them know your needs.

I am at your disposal on the Yi Xinli platform to provide any assistance you may require.

Hello, question asker, I can sense your fear, anger, self-blame, and confusion from your description.

It would be natural to feel happy that your parents care about you, but it seems that for some reason, you feel fear inside, which then turns into anger.

On the one hand, you feel confused and unsure of why this is happening. On the other hand, I think you may also feel a little guilty and blame yourself for not treating your parents the way you should.

It's important to remember that none of this is your fault. It's likely that something happened to make you feel this way, and that's why you reacted the way you did.

I would like to suggest that you trust and respect your feelings.

When you feel fear and anger, you may find yourself questioning your feelings a little. It's natural to think that if your parents care about you, you should be happy.

At this time, it might be helpful to consider that something must have happened to make you feel this way. Your feelings are often the most direct and real.

I encourage you not to doubt your feelings.

I'm heartened to see you beginning to reflect on the reasons behind your feelings, and I'm encouraged by the fact that you're already taking steps towards personal growth.

The love of your parents knows no boundaries.

It's natural for everyone to have their own boundaries, and when someone tries to cross them, it can make us feel uncomfortable.

It would be beneficial for us to take control of our own lives and be in charge. You want to become independent.

However, what parents may perceive as concern could potentially be misinterpreted as interference and control, with the underlying hope that you will do what they want.

This can potentially lead to feelings of fear and anger, which may result in a desire to rebel.

It can be challenging when parents express concern in an overly intense way, as it can make you feel like they don't trust you.

It is natural for parents to feel that their children are still children, and this can sometimes make them feel uneasy and lead them to want to care for them.

As a child who is striving to become an independent individual, it is natural to desire the support and trust of your parents.

While parents are usually well-intentioned, their concern may sometimes inadvertently convey feelings of anxiety and worry.

It is possible that you may also feel their worry and distrust, which could in turn make you doubt yourself, become insecure, and feel fear and anger.

It would be beneficial to express your true feelings to your parents.

If you feel bad, you might consider talking to your parents about your feelings and needs. You could explore together how to communicate appropriately.

This is not meant as a betrayal or disobedience of your parents. It is simply a necessary step in your growth to learn to separate from them.

It might be helpful to try to understand and accept your parents' concerns, and to try to make your own choices.

I hope this finds you well.

Hello, question asker.

I have taken the time to read your question carefully and I can sense that you are experiencing a certain level of confusion regarding the fear and anger you feel towards your parents' concern, as well as your desire to seek help.

It's understandable that children may feel happy about their parents' concern and acceptance. However, it seems that the individuals asking questions here may have a different experience with their parents. It's not common for people to resent their parents for not caring enough about them. It's possible that you feel this is not a typical experience, which is why you've provided several reasons in your question.

Could it be that I'm unable to love? Or might there be something else going on, perhaps some sort of psychological issue?

Could it be one of these reasons you mentioned? Given the brevity of the plot you described in your question, it's challenging for me to ascertain the specifics of your relationship with your parents, your age, and other pertinent details. Consequently, I'm limited in my ability to offer a definitive opinion. Instead, I can only base my perspective on my personal experience and knowledge of the situation, and discuss these reasons you've outlined.

Could it be that I'm incapable of love? If you think this reason is a bit of a stretch, then perhaps it may be that you are very strong-willed and want to assert yourself. The care or kindness that your parents show you may seem to you to be controlling or restricting you, so you become angry because you cannot do whatever you want. In my opinion, I think this is a sad and helpless situation. Of course, there are more reasons than this for being a farmer!

Let's talk about what you think is a problem with your perception. I can see how your perception could be that your parents' concern for you and their kindness to you prove that they are superior, that their abilities are greater than yours, and that their way of life is better than yours. This could put you in a disadvantaged position, and only their kindness to you allows you to live a normal life. For example, if you are short of money and need financial support from your parents, and they take the initiative to help you solve the problem, this could make you feel a sense of defeat in your self-esteem. The more your parents care about you and the more enthusiastic they are, the more you may feel that you have no abilities at all. This could make you feel fear and anger. I think that this fear could be a fear of your own sense of security, and anger could be a lack of confidence in yourself and anger towards yourself.

Let me respectfully offer another perspective on the issue of psychological trauma. I wonder if there might be a connection between your current situation and the years you spent living together. It's possible that your parents' approach to education may have had an impact on you in ways you're still processing. It's understandable that they may have come to realize this and are trying to adapt. However, dwelling on the past may not be the most helpful approach. What about your current parents? Even though they are trying to change, they may not fully understand the best way to support you. It's possible that they don't always meet your needs in the way you would like, and that they could be more enthusiastic about connecting with you. It's understandable if the more they try to help, the more chaotic it feels.

If I might make a suggestion, I believe that finding a psychologist you trust who can explore your inner world could be a helpful step in solving this problem.

I hope that you will be able to find a way out of this situation soon and that you will be able to enjoy spending time with your parents in the future.

I have faith in you and in the world. I love you!

Hello, dear friend, thank you for your question about anger.

After reading your description, I'm really curious: what kind of care do your parents show you, and what kind of kindness? You can try to recall specific examples and record them, so that we can slowly see if we become angry at all the care our parents show us. By writing in this way, we can slowly reveal the truth of what is going on.

Let's break it down. Anger is our body's way of telling us that we feel unfairly treated or that our expectations have been dashed. Fear is our body's way of telling us that danger is close at hand and that we need to be on our guard. Right now, you might not even know what you're angry or afraid of. Don't worry! We can try the following exercises first:

1. It's okay to let your emotions flow, including the occasional loss of control.

First, try not to judge your emotional expression. This non-judgment and acceptance will bring more possibilities for change. When we don't blame ourselves, we can focus on what happened and how we reacted.

2. What to do after a single outburst of anger

If you're with someone you trust and you're feeling remorseful, it can be really helpful to pause and actively notice your emotions. This can help you identify whether you have any expectations for further communication, clarifying thoughts, or expressing feelings.

3. You can gradually adjust your emotional response mode over the long term by becoming more aware, taking more timely pauses, and responding in a more conscious way. As you improve your awareness of your emotions, thoughts, and overall state, you'll notice changes in your response mode.

We all experience anger from time to time. It's a natural emotion that helps us defend ourselves when we feel threatened. But sometimes, anger can become overwhelming. When this happens, it's important to recognize the signs that anger is coming on. Think about what situations tend to trigger your emotions. What are the physical sensations you feel after being triggered? It's also helpful to take a moment to pause and calm down before reacting. You can do this by taking a few deep breaths or leaving the situation for a while. When you return, you'll be better able to think clearly and respond rationally. It's also useful to identify the thoughts that are causing you to feel angry. This can help you understand why you're feeling the way you do and give you the power to choose how you respond. Remember, taking a moment to pause and think before reacting can help you respond in a way that's more in line with your true feelings and needs.

One thing we can do is start by writing. That is, every time we feel an automatic response mode occur, we can try to reduce self-judgment.

Second, you can write about the whole incident of anger in a holistic way. This means writing about what the specific facts are at each step of the incident, what specific thoughts were triggered, and what emotional feelings and automatic stress responses were triggered as a result. It's okay if you feel troubled by an incident! Just go back to the scene and restore the "facts, emotions, and thoughts." After writing many times, you will become more and more aware of your own anger response pattern. You'll see how [event stress, automatic thoughts of stress, angry emotions, and physical reactions when angry] are generated step by step.

This "seeing" is a great first step towards change. By describing it, you can really get to know it. And after summarizing it many times, you'll find that there are actually only a handful of types of stressful events. It's becoming easier and easier to recognize those trigger cues when they reappear, and you'll find that you're more likely to pause from your habitual response mode. This gives you the freedom to choose a different response.

Mark Williams, the founder of mindfulness cognitive therapy, said something really lovely that I think you'll find helpful: "Try to treat yourself with patience and compassion, with an open mind and gentle persistence, just as you would water a plant."

When we try this and do some writing practice for a while, you might find out what makes you angry. Our reactions to the world around us sometimes show what we felt in the past, so you can also help yourself understand the earliest events in your memory that are similar to how you felt with your parents by thinking about them, and then use what you know now to think about what happened then.

I really hope these books help you explore your doubts, understand your needs better, and communicate better with your parents. I think they're great! I'd also like to suggest Lisa Feldman Barrett's "Emotions" and Martin Seligman's "Know Yourself, Accept Yourself."

And finally, I really hope that we can all learn to love our parents without being afraid of our negative emotions towards them.

Could I ask how old the questioner is? Would you be so kind as to describe your daily interactions with your parents?

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether you are able to communicate with them in an open and honest manner, and whether they are able to communicate with you in the same way.

"I recently came to understand that when my parents care about me or are kind to me, I experience a sense of fear that can quickly turn into anger." This resonated with me deeply, and it brought to mind a more classic saying: if one spouse suddenly becomes particularly kind to the other, it's important to be mindful, as there might be underlying issues that have caused this shift in behavior.

It might be helpful to consider the following: when your parents care about you or are nice to you, you may not feel warmth, but rather fear and anger. This is a very understandable reaction.

It is possible that when they are kind to you, their needs and demands may be hidden behind it, and that their needs and demands may sometimes be quite outrageous. This could potentially lead to a situation where their actions may not consider the safety and happiness of the questioner at all, which could be a cause for concern.

However, when one is reluctant to meet their parents' needs and demands, they may use their kindness to try to force compliance. This can understandably lead to feelings of frustration.

It would be reasonable to assume that parents are the people closest to us and that we are therefore less likely to be on our guard against them. It would also be reasonable to assume that their love should bring us safety and security.

This kind of love can make it difficult to discern whether it is truly benevolent or not. It can be quite unsettling to experience such a lack of clarity.

The above is just a suggestion for the questioner's consideration. I hope it's helpful!

Hello, my name is June, and I'm here to help!

It's totally normal to feel fear and anger, even though your parents obviously care about you. It's okay to feel this way, even if you think you shouldn't. We all feel things we don't understand sometimes!

I can see that this strong love/a-30-year-old-girl-who-thinks-about-her-mothers-matchmaking-advice-on-blind-dates-inner-conflict-24603.html" target="_blank">conflict is leaving you at a loss, my friend.

I've looked it up and it says that anger comes from wanting a lot of love. But they care about me and are good to me, so I'm really confused. I feel angry, but I'm not sure why. Could it be that I'm lovelorn?

You've tried so hard to get out of this situation, but even after finding the reason, you're still confused. Don't worry, we've all been there! The reasons may be as follows:

1. Your parents love you so much! But their love is mixed with a bit of control, and their high-intensity love can sometimes make you feel a bit suffocated.

You've grown up now, and you have your own ideas about food, clothing, housing, transportation, and relationships. You also need your own space, and that's okay!

For example, you might have a friend who doesn't do so well in school but who loves to play games. You feel really happy with him and he totally gets you.

But your parents don't want you to continue dating because they think you'll learn bad habits.

It seems like they really love you and want what's best for you. But this kind of control ignores your emotional needs and just interferes and blocks, which makes you feel really angry.

It's totally normal to feel desperate at the thought that you cannot escape from this control. It's also totally normal to feel afraid of the future.

2. Your parents love you so much! But sometimes, their love is mixed with expectations. If you can't do what they expect, it can feel like you've failed them. It's hard not to feel like you don't deserve the good things your parents do for you.

It's so competitive nowadays, isn't it? The more elite the family, the less they want their children to lose at the starting line.

The child is given lots of goals to work towards.

These life goals are all about helping your child have a good education, a good job, and a good life in the future.

As a child, you work so hard studying for tests and exams, and it's so hard to keep up that you lose interest and motivation in learning. You feel like you've done your best, but you still can't meet your parents' expectations.

So the more concerned and involved your parents are, the more pressure you feel. It's because every bit of effort has to be repaid in kind.

3. The love of your parents is a seesaw battle. It can be tough when there are problems with communication and getting along between your parents. They might involve you in order to prove that they are right, which can be hard to navigate.

Their love can make it feel like you have to choose sides. If you choose Dad, it can feel like you're betraying Mom. And if you choose Mom, it can feel like you're isolating Dad.

This back-and-forth can be really exhausting, can't it? It can feel like you're being pulled in two different directions, and it can feel like you're going to be torn apart.

I've looked at all these possibilities for you. It's so important to remember that your parents' love is for them, not for you. It can sometimes feel like a burden when we're trying to grow up and become independent.

You'll be able to show your parents that you've grown up and that you're an independent person by trying to express your thoughts and show that you need boundaries and space.

I hope this is helpful for you! Wishing you all the best!