Why can't I accept my wife having a five-year ex-boyfriend?

Hello, question asker!

I've read your question and I can feel your current feelings of being torn. But I know you can do it! You just need to stop dwelling on those thoughts and start thinking about all the amazing things you can do instead.

But as a guy, you might be more worried that no one will understand your suffering, that it is hard to talk about it, that there is nowhere to talk about it, or there are some other reasons... Yes, men can be really difficult sometimes! But you can overcome this! If this kind of emotion is suppressed for a long time, it will definitely affect your relationship with your wife.

So, you've come here for help and you've already found the right way out of this way of thinking—way to go! I'd also like to say that there's more than one way out here. You can also find a counselor on the Yixinli platform to talk to on the phone, or find a psychologist for more professional and effective emotional counseling.

I absolutely believe that after some work, you will feel much better!

I work as a marriage mediator, and in my work I meet with visitors every month, and some of them have problems similar to those encountered by the questioner. I would love to share with the questioner my views on this matter. I can't say that I'm right about everything, but I'm excited to help the questioner alleviate some of his anxiety!

Now, let's dive in and see what we can do! First, let's analyze which things in the questioner's question we can't change and which we can.

1. The past is history, and it's a great thing! It's part of who we are, and it's not something we can change. But that's okay! It's what makes us who we are.

So, the power of history is great, and our power is small. But that doesn't mean we can't do anything! We can still make a difference. What can we do?

We can accept it!

2. Your girlfriend chose you, and your marriage is a fact! A girl who has been in a relationship before tends to be more mature. That relationship is now in the past for her, and she has definitely learned a lot from it. She will cherish the relationship she has now even more!

She chose you as a lifelong partner, which is proof that she values the amazing qualities you have! I believe that during your relationship, she told you about her past because she thinks you are a reliable, responsible man who provides her with a sense of security and is worthy of her trust.

She is wholeheartedly living her life with you, and it's a beautiful thing to behold!

3. I have a question for the questioner: How long have you felt this way? Was there something that triggered this feeling?

If there's a specific event, let's figure out what it is! And what feelings does it bring you, in addition to the emotions mentioned above?

What are you really excited about?

4. Figure out what you want! You might as well ask yourself boldly (maybe you'll feel better after the questioner has sorted things out!):

a. What is the worst that could happen? How would you deal with it if it happened?

b. What's the best possible outcome?

c. What's the best-case scenario if things continue as they are?

d. If you persist in this negative emotion for a long time, what will happen to you? If you change this negative emotion, what will happen to you?

e. If it were someone else (in your position) who constantly said they were unhappy, what would you say to them?

f. If things were to develop in a positive direction, what would you do to take a small step forward?

And there's more!

5. You chose her at the time, and I absolutely believe your wife must have many admirable qualities! What are these qualities? How many can you list now?

I really hope my answer can help you a little! I wish you all the best!

Greetings! I extend to you a warm embrace from a distance.

I am gratified to have observed your appeal for assistance and hope that my contribution will prove beneficial to you.

The subject is increasingly concerned about his wife's past and doubts whether she chose to be with him out of love or was forced to marry him because she was of an appropriate age to do so after being dumped by her long-distance boyfriend. This makes him feel that he is not important enough to her and that she will never truly care for and value him. Consequently, he feels aggrieved, angry, and resentful about her past with her long-distance boyfriend and is unable to let go.

From the information provided, it is evident that the wife has not maintained contact with her long-distance boyfriend since the marriage. A woman who chooses to terminate a relationship with a man must have experienced significant emotional distress, and her decision to end the relationship entirely is a deliberate one. This illustrates a key distinction between how men and women navigate relationships.

Furthermore, it is possible to discern whether one's spouse is devoted to the relationship.

It is permissible and advisable to allow oneself to occasionally concern oneself with one's wife's past when a disagreement arises. This is a defense mechanism that serves to ward off existential crises to a certain extent. It is then important to be aware of the underlying needs that arise in one's heart when one cares about one's wife's past. These needs may include a fear of abandonment, a longing to be valued, needed, cared for, and loved. At this juncture, it is also advisable to express one's true feelings to one's wife and to request her support, understanding, acceptance, and love.

If this concern about your wife's past has affected your feelings for her and your normal life to some extent, it is an emotional reaction and expression of discomfort. It may seem like you are doubting, distrusting, and resenting your wife, but in fact, it stems more from your inner distrust and resentment towards yourself. In your marriage, you do not believe you can sustainably have your wife's love, that you have the ability to manage your relationship well, or that you can give your wife the happiness she wants. You have unintentionally placed yourself in the role of a weak person who can be treated casually. This is all because of your dislike and non-acceptance of your inner self, and your sense of powerlessness in being unable to change your current self, which is not good enough. Because these emotions of self-negation and self-deprecation are so painful, you unintentionally release your inner painful emotions by caring about your wife's past.

One may express oneself by attempting an emotional diary, thereby releasing one's inner feelings of self-doubt. Additionally, one may attempt to sincerely inform one's wife about the stress and powerlessness one feels at work and in life, expressing one's desire for her understanding, support, trust, encouragement, and appreciation.

One may cultivate self-confidence and enhance self-worth by maintaining a gratitude journal. It is similarly beneficial to cultivate additional interests and passions in life, thereby gaining greater control over one's circumstances.

It is imperative not to engage in self-comparison with others; rather, it is more beneficial to assess one's progress in relation to one's previous self. It is essential to apply one's best efforts to the management of one's marriage and to treat one's spouse with sincerity. It is also crucial to focus on the positive contributions one makes to one's family.

My name is Lily, and I am a devoted listener of the Q&A Museum program. I extend my deepest regards to the entire world, and I express my profound love for you all.

Hello, I'm Strawberry.

It turns out that the questioner and his wife were junior high school classmates. They went around in circles for a few years before they got together. I think this must be your fate. My wife had a long-distance boyfriend for five years before we met. A five-year relationship is not short, which is enough to show that your wife is a devoted person. When she loves someone, she will love him wholeheartedly. Maybe she loved someone else before, but now she loves you.

It's impossible to know if the person you meet will be the one you spend your life with. And we rarely think about whether they'll leave us in the end. When you meet someone, you're putting your heart on the line without worrying about the outcome.

They had sex, which is a sign of love. At the time, they were in love, and the questioner didn't know he'd meet his current wife. Your wife had a partner who taught her to grow up. After a relationship ended, she knows what to look for in a relationship.

1. Forget about the past and focus on the present.

You know about your wife's past, and you've been married for a while now. It seems like you love your wife and feel like you're not being treated fairly because of your own thoughts.

At first, you were fine with it, but after getting to know her, you started to care about it. It seems like the original poster used his wife as a comparison because she's been in a relationship before, while he hasn't. In the comparison, you feel like you're at a disadvantage, but that's not how relationships are calculated.

Everyone wants the person they meet to be the one they grow old with, but there are always many factors in reality that are beyond our control. You didn't have time to get involved in your wife's past, so focus on the present to be happier.

2. Switch your focus

As you get to know your wife better, you start to wonder if she did these things with her ex. It's natural to fill in the blanks with images from your own mind. It seems like the questioner might lack a bit of self-confidence. Maybe you're afraid your wife will compare you with her ex in many ways.

But the questioner is not the wife, so your thoughts don't represent her views. As I said earlier, the wife is a devoted person. Now that she's your wife, she's devoted to you. She chose you, so there's something about you that attracted her.

Don't dwell on your own thoughts, but rather let go of the idea that you have such thoughts. When you have such thoughts, redirect your attention to something else. When you can learn to treat your wife's past with equanimity, then the questioner will no longer be troubled.

The wife's past is in the past, and if the questioner can't accept it, then just follow your heart and handle the relationship as you see fit. If you love and cherish your wife, then don't be obsessed with her past. You love her for who she is now, and living with her is about the present, not the past.

I hope this helps the questioner. Best regards.

Perhaps you've made the main point yourself.

It's understandable to feel a bit unfair because you never had a boyfriend.

I believe that everything stems from this, including your comment that you always felt she only sought you out when she was of marriageable age. It makes me wonder if perhaps it wasn't out of love.

I believe this may also be an inaccurate assumption. It seems that the core issue may be the root of the problem.

Let's consider a scenario where you have a rich past, with multiple girlfriends and sexual relationships. How would you feel in that moment?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether you feel like you've made a compromise. Many girls have had more than one boyfriend and more than one relationship.

In comparison to your wife, you perceive your past relationships to have been relatively simple, which may give the impression that you have made a compromise.

Perhaps the source of your pain is in the comparison. It could be that you are comparing what you can't let go of.

Perhaps it would be helpful to ask yourself what you can't let go of.

I believe you are aware of the true meaning behind that sentence.

Perhaps the regret of an experience can be remedied by having that experience.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not suggesting that you cheat on your wife. That would be a destructive path to take. What I'm trying to say is that...

For instance, if you were to join a rescue team and bear witness to the heartbreaking separation of people from their loved ones, you might gain some insight and realize what truly matters most, which could potentially lead to letting go of what is less important.

For instance, if you were to travel with your wife, the sights and experiences you encounter might evoke a profound change in you.

There are many other examples, such as reading and spiritual practice, which may also lead you to meet a new self.

If you find yourself stuck in the same place, it might be worth considering that this could cause suffering for yourself and your loved ones. Perhaps it would be beneficial to go out and explore a new world, as there is so much more out there.