Why do I always become particularly pessimistic when encountering things, and what should I do if I can't console myself?

Hello, question asker!

I can see from your title that you're going through a tough time! It's so common for there to be a rocky patch between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, especially when they're getting to know each other. It takes a lot of wisdom, respect and skill to make it work.

It seems like you and your husband are already at odds over this, and you're feeling pretty distressed. It's totally understandable! It can be really hard when you feel like your husband doesn't understand you or support you. But if you keep arguing about this, you might lose confidence in the future.

From what you've told me, it seems that after you gave birth, 9 out of 10 arguments were about your mother-in-law. And now, when you argue, you get angry whenever your mother-in-law is involved. It's clear that you're carrying a lot of pain from that time. What happened? You suppressed those emotions at the time, but they will come out from time to time to cause trouble. Now, your irritability, loneliness, and grievances are all reminding you that you should find someone to talk to and help you get out of the influence of that incident.

I'm so glad you asked! There are a few ways you can help.

Why not find a teacher at a local psychological institution and have a chat with them?

You can also find a great listener on the Yixinli platform who can talk with you or a counselor who can offer advice. Another way to feel better is to just let it all out in words.

You can also read some great books on your own, like "The Five Languages of Love" and "Do You Want Right or Happiness?" These two books are really helpful! They're a great way for couples to get along better and a fantastic guide for women on marriage and life.

Hi there! I'm a marriage mediator, and I'd love to share my thoughts and experiences with you in light of your current situation. Many of the people who come to me for marriage mediation have a bit of a rocky relationship with their mothers-in-law. Most of these cases involve a bit of a "war" between the two women: the wife feels that her husband doesn't take her side and always sides with the mother-in-law against her; the mother-in-law feels that her daughter-in-law is a bit too domineering and has handed her hard-won, wonderful son over to her. Later on, this war became a battle for "the man," and both sides suffered.

In a marriage, the most important thing is the relationship between husband and wife. This is followed by the parent-child relationship and the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. As long as the relationship between husband and wife is good, everything else can be settled.

And don't forget, your husband is a great ally! So, once you've sorted out your relationship, why not ask him to help you with your relationship with your mother-in-law?

As a daughter-in-law, it's important to understand a few basic things. First, the mother-in-law isn't related to us by blood. If she weren't our husband's wife, we probably wouldn't get along or live together. So, it's probably best not to expect too much from her. After all, she isn't our own mother, and she isn't responsible for being deferential and obedient to us.

2. As modern women, we are all educated, so we must have basic manners. If we treat our mothers-in-law like our next-door neighbors, we should greet them when we see them, let alone our mothers-in-law. Being polite and respectful towards our mothers-in-law is one of the qualities that we modern women must possess, and it's something we can all do!

It's so important to remember that respect doesn't mean being weak, and being polite and well-mannered doesn't mean being subservient and having no bottom line. The best way to get along with your mother-in-law is to find a happy balance between being "not servile but not arrogant." It's so important to fully embrace your rights, freedom, and dignity, but at the same time, you must also be honest in your filial piety as a daughter-in-law and the respect you owe your elders.

3. Empathy: When chatting with your partner about your mother-in-law, try not to accuse the other person. That elderly person raised your husband, and in a way, we should be grateful to her. If my husband were to talk to us about our mothers, we would definitely argue with him.

So, when you're chatting with your husband, it's a great idea to focus on the matter at hand, rather than getting caught up in who's saying what. For instance, you could say something like, "Today, Grandma said this to me... I feel quite aggrieved. The actual situation is... I really don't want her to think of me this way... If she says this again in the future, can you help me?" This way, your husband will know that you're sharing your true feelings and needs with him. He'll also get the message that he understands your thoughts, knows the situation, and knows what to do next.

There's still so much to learn, so I won't list them all.

I really think the original poster should read the book Is It Right or Is It Happiness? It'll be so helpful for your relationship! It'll also inspire you in so many ways. I wish you all the best!

The lack of harmony between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has a detrimental impact on the relationship between the husband and wife. Following the birth of their child, my husband and I engaged in conflict with our mother-in-law on approximately 90% of occasions. Despite my husband's apparent support, he consistently pressured me to accommodate the mother-in-law's preferences.

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This should be the primary focus of the analysis.

The relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is characterized by discord. Additionally, the relationship between the husband and wife has become strained due to the birth of the child.

Let us undertake a detailed examination of the matter in order to identify potential solutions.

1. As indicated in your account, the primary source of disruption to your marriage since the birth of your child appears to be the strained relationship with your mother-in-law. The difficulties in this relationship have led to a range of issues, resulting in feelings of restlessness and exhaustion, and a notable deterioration in your marriage.

Accordingly, the primary focus should be on resolving the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

a. There is a significant discrepancy between your and your mother-in-law's views on child-rearing, or your respective methods of child-rearing diverge considerably. Your mother-in-law may exhibit a tendency to exert excessive control, lavish the children with excessive affection, or adhere to traditional child-rearing practices that are not conducive to the healthy physical and mental development of the children.

b. In the context of family life, there are numerous instances of conflict between you and your mother-in-law, particularly with regard to habits and expenses. However, given that your husband does not express a strong opinion on these matters, he is unable to provide significant assistance in navigating these challenges. Instead, he tends to tolerate your mother's actions. This is understandable, given that she is an elderly individual, and it is often necessary to be accommodating and willing to compromise in such situations.

The relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a long-standing and complex issue. The adage that even an impartial judge can hardly decide family matters illustrates the inherent variability of familial relationships and the limitations of theoretical explanations. These relationships are inherently emotional, as they are based on blood ties and often characterized by a strong bond. Therefore, it is essential to utilize emotional intelligence in navigating these dynamics.

1) It is essential to maintain a clear and objective perspective. While it is important to treat your mother-in-law with the same respect and consideration you would extend to your own mother, it is crucial to recognize that she is not your biological mother. It is unproductive and unkind to lose your temper, but it is vital to treat her with the respect and deference typically reserved for an elder and a person who has been with her son for a significant portion of her life.

2) The role of the son, in this case your husband, is to act as a mediator between the two parties and reduce the level of friction between them. If your mother-in-law is in the wrong, even if you are respectful towards her in public, you should communicate with her privately to resolve the issue.

3) Parenting Styles and Their Impact on Family Dynamics: A Growing Challenge for Many Families The conflict between the older generation's parenting styles and the newer, more progressive approaches is becoming increasingly prevalent in modern families. To mitigate the friction caused by these differences, it is essential to guide and popularize some of the newer, more progressive educational concepts so that the elderly can understand and accept them in person.

In the event that these measures prove ineffective, it may be necessary to consider alternative arrangements, such as living separately from the elderly individual.

2. One's own temperament can be contagious. If one is irritable, it is likely that those around them will become irritable as well. It is therefore difficult to find a solution to a problem if everyone involved is irritable.

Good morning,

From your questions, I can tell that you are feeling some concern and perhaps a bit pessimistic about things. It's understandable, given the many changes you've recently experienced. With more responsibilities in life come more challenges, and it seems that your mother-in-law may be a source of some of these challenges.

After an argument, I tend to feel more emotional, and I sometimes feel that my husband is biased, which can make me feel lonely, aggrieved, and irritable. I know this is not ideal, but I'm trying to work on it.

It may be helpful to remember that every emotion is likely driven by an unmet need.

It is not uncommon for a woman's body to have suffered greatly after giving birth, and for her life to have changed significantly as a result. Such changes can sometimes cause stress and mood swings, which can make emotions more volatile. It is also not uncommon for women to throw tantrums as a way of expressing their emotions.

In this case, it might be helpful to take care of yourself more and see if there is a need behind your temper. You could try asking yourself, "What is my need (emotion) right now?"

It's okay if you're not sure at first. With practice, you'll get better at understanding your needs and communicating them.

It may be helpful to express your needs and wishes.

When you have a conflict with your husband, it may be helpful to express what you need from him and what you want from him. It's understandable that not every time he can satisfy you.

It's important to remember that nobody can meet all of our needs 100% of the time. The best thing you can do is support yourself.

It might be helpful to express your needs to him before telling him how you feel and what you are thinking, including your vulnerability. Alternatively, you could express your vulnerability in another way, for example, by "acting childish."

It is often said that a woman who knows how to be cute has a good life. This is based on the idea that people are more likely to take care of vulnerable emotions when they are expressed in a way that is appealing and engaging.

In Nonviolent Communication, the key points mentioned in #1 and #2 are summarized in a communication formula: "state the facts + express feelings + express needs + express hopes."

It would be beneficial for you to take care of yourself.

After giving birth, women immediately enter the stage of raising children, and there are many parenting skills to learn. It is not uncommon for mothers to experience difficulties sleeping when they need to breastfeed at night, especially when their children are young.

Some mothers, even when their children can sleep independently, may still find themselves very alert when they sleep, unable to sleep soundly and get a good rest. These are all particularly challenging aspects of being a mother. While busy taking care of the children, they may sometimes neglect themselves, and the stress and fatigue that comes with it can linger.

It is important to remember to support ourselves in front of our children and to provide them with a nurturing environment in which to grow. However, it is also natural to become irritable if something arises as a source of stress. The body is simply sending a reminder that it is essential to take care of ourselves.

Love for our children is a valuable resource.

When many mothers encounter emotional lows and feel unable to climb out of them, they often find comfort in the thought that they will eventually recover and that they still have their children. The love for our children can also serve as a great source of support, allowing us to gradually regain our strength.

I'm not sure what leisure habits you had before, such as listening to music, dancing, or doing yoga. These don't have to be too formal, and you can do them with your child anytime, anywhere. You might like to try doing a stretch with awareness and breathing, being fully present with yourself, and telling yourself, "Honey, you're doing great, just relax."

It might be helpful to take a break when you're tired and make sure you get enough sleep, especially when your child is sleeping.

It might be helpful to seek assistance from professionals.

I can relate to your situation. I was once in a similar position when raising my child. It was challenging to maintain my composure at the time.

I later found a counselor to help me, and gradually found support and became more determined to express my needs. Now that my child is in his teens, my husband is also able to understand and offer assistance, and I feel much more relaxed. If you feel like you can't hold on anymore when something happens, you might consider finding a professional counselor or listener to help yourself.

I'm concerned about what you said about thinking about death when you argue with your husband. I can relate to how it feels to feel lonely and hopeless. I'm sharing a link to the National Public Welfare Crisis Intervention Hotline Psychological Hotline in case it's helpful: https://www.xinli001.com/info/100441159?from=search. Please don't hesitate to call if you ever need support.

I just wanted to say that I love you and I care about you.

As a mother, I have limited time and energy to read lengthy texts, so I will leave only a few comments. I hope this is helpful.

I'm here to listen and I'll continue to support you in any way I can.

Good day, question asker!

From your description, I can see that you have a deep awareness and reflection of your current situation, and I can also sense your concerns, anxiety, and unease, as well as your desire to change the situation. When you have identified a problem, this is an important first step in the process of change.

From what the questioner has shared, it seems that you have come to recognize that your relationship with your mother-in-law may not be as comfortable as you would like it to be. Is that an accurate observation?

Indeed, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has historically presented a significant challenge.

The questioner mentioned that every time they argue with their husband, they experience some negative thoughts. I would like to kindly ask the questioner to take a moment to reflect on their feelings during those instances. Could you please share why you felt uncomfortable? When have you ever felt this way?

From your description, it seems that you are not entirely comfortable with your husband's indirect approach to your relationship with your mother-in-law. Could I ask what your expectations are in this regard?

The questioner continues to observe what kind of strength you draw upon to persevere.

The questioner said that you are hot-tempered and have a hard time controlling your emotions. Could you please tell me what happened in particular with your mother-in-law that made you feel so uncomfortable? Was there ever a moment when you were not so sensitive and emotional when dealing with your mother-in-law?

Could you kindly share what you did, or what your mother-in-law and husband did, that helped you accept the situation calmly?

Questioner: Could you please share how you managed to get through the previous uncomfortable feelings? Did you receive any support from anyone, apart from your husband?

If I may, I would like to suggest that the questioner continue to be aware of what she expects her husband to do and what would make her feel more comfortable. Perhaps it would also be helpful to consider what her husband does to make her feel comfortable.

How do you think your feelings might change if your husband were to do that? Who might notice the difference in you first?

I'm not sure of the specifics of your situation, but I empathize with your feelings. I'm sending you a hug. There's a saying in psychology that I find helpful: we can't change other people, but we can change ourselves. By changing ourselves, we can strengthen our inner selves and influence other people. With that, you may find you can face all the bad things calmly.

I hope my suggestions will be of some help to the poster in relieving her negative emotions.

I would like to suggest that the questioner consider seeking the help of a professional counselor.

When we encounter problems that we cannot resolve, we might consider seeking outside help, especially from professionals. A counselor can assist in identifying the root of the problem and gradually help you develop a strong inner self, which can then enable you to clarify the problem and gain the strength to face and solve it yourself.

Secondly, it is important to remember that life can be challenging at times, and it is beneficial to have positive mental suggestions to draw upon.

Life is full of such problems. What should we do when faced with this situation? It might be helpful to try to maintain a positive attitude and remind ourselves of the positive aspects of the situation. We can tell ourselves that it's okay, that everything is fine, that I can and have the strength to deal with this kind of problem for the sake of a good life and family, that my mother-in-law's things are her business and have nothing to do with me, and so on. It's worth trying this approach to see if it helps to ease your emotions.

It might be helpful for the questioner to try to communicate with her husband in a more positive way.

Life is about the little things, and it's easy to get caught up in trivial matters. We often reserve good emotions for outsiders and bad things for our closest people, which can sometimes cause a breakdown in the relationship. I suggest that the questioner try the communication mode they used when they were in love, or they can use hypnosis—the way of coquetry—to communicate with their husband.

If you allow yourself to be more vulnerable, your husband may be more inclined to be with you. It may be helpful to embrace a certain degree of vulnerability in your communication as a couple.

I would like to take this opportunity to reassure the original poster that life is not easy. While we are working to resolve a significant issue, namely the conflict between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, it is important to remember that we can adapt our approach, focus on our own personal growth, and direct our attention towards self-improvement and child care. If you feel this is the best way forward, I believe it will be beneficial.

Hello, girl. I see you're confused. I hug you!

You're going through some emotional issues. I give you a hug.

Your husband is going along with you, but he's forcing you to accommodate your mother-in-law.

Your husband's approach is wrong. You feel oppressed.

If you live with your mother-in-law and your husband, you'll have a lot of conflicts.

Otherwise, talk to your husband. You can take the kids and stay somewhere else from Monday to Thursday, then move back in on Friday night.

There are always solutions.

As long as you go home to live with your husband for fewer days, the conflict with your mother-in-law may be reduced.

If your husband wants you to live at home, even though you know your mother-in-law is not friendly, you might want to think about your marriage.

My husband saw some of my mother-in-law's unreasonable behavior when I lived with her. That's why he rented a place to live with me after I settled in Shanghai.

I hope you can solve your problem soon.

I can only think of these things now.

I hope my answers help and inspire you. I'm the respondent, learning every day.

Yixinli loves you! Best wishes!