Why do I always dislike seeing others doing better than me in every way, such as in studies?

Hello! I have the same problem as you, and I'm here to help!

1. I've noticed you're feeling a bit distressed over this issue. I know the truth: no one is perfect. But you have strong emotions and even a sense of powerlessness. How do you feel when you're better than others, and what scenes come to mind when others are better than you?

2. I love how you talk about the people around you! Who are these people? Do you often compare yourself to them?

So who else would have an attitude about the results of your comparison, apart from you?

3. I have talked to a counselor about this issue. If the people around me are strong, I will feel very anxious and afraid. I am excited to work on my own strength and resilience! I am afraid of being compared to them and hearing accusations (my mother-in-law said, "When you were getting married, you should have married your younger sister instead. Look at how capable she is!"). I feel that I cannot argue with her, and I really don't have the strength to argue. I can be bullied at will, but I'm ready to stand up for myself!

This is just an example. It's just a way of thinking.

4. I feel so happy when others are better than me! My husband, his brother, and his girlfriend were having dinner with us. During the meal, his girlfriend spoke to my husband, and I felt a lull in the conversation. I felt that his girlfriend was a very eloquent person who was liked by others.

I can't do that. I get angry but I can't express it. I just sulk, and no one can comfort me. When I got home, I told my husband about it, and he said about Puff and Blackie.

There are two cats in our yard, one is my family's called Puff, and the other is Puff's friend, the stray cat Blackie. We have mice in the house, and I'm especially afraid of mice. Blackie is very good at catching mice, but Puff doesn't even look at them.

I say that Puff is useless and only knows how to eat cat food, and I praise Xiaohei for being very capable. He is also very bold and will try to sneak into our house to eat cat food, and we will give him some too. Despite this, we still consider Puff to be our family cat. He is not strong, but we love him!

Little Puff is very confident and composed because we love him. Every time Blackie steals his cat food, he'll walk away and then eat it again! I think Blackie is better than Puff, but Puff is part of our family and Blackie is an outsider.

We will always love Puff! My husband and my family feel the same way. No matter how good someone else is, they are still outsiders. I will always be the little Puff they love!

The strong will only be worshipped by others, and love has no strength. But that's okay! There's so much more to life than that.

5. I really hope the original poster will take care of their own feelings. They feel a little uneasy and scared, but they're going to be just fine! They're blaming themselves for not being able to do what they know is right, but they're going to realize that they can do anything they set their minds to.

Hello, questioner! I am Shushan Wenquan, and I'm excited to help you learn to be your own spiritual gardeners and watch over the spring blossoms and autumn fruits!

After reading your description carefully, I understand your current distress: you don't like seeing others doing better than you, you find it hard to understand this kind of unconscious comparison behavior, and you don't want to be like that either. This conflicted mentality has affected your life, but you don't know how to change it. I'm excited to help you!

So you want to understand why you are like this? What is the reason behind it?

How can we conquer this feeling of being "unable to control our hearts"?

I'm going to dive in and analyze it from three aspects. Since the answer is quite long, I'll split it into two parts.

1. Treat comparisons between people correctly.

Comparisons bring anxiety and unfriendliness. From your understanding, seeing others doing better than you makes it hard to accept, and you feel anxious and afraid of being trampled on.

This kind of relationship with others makes you feel unfriendly towards your friends, etc. There are so many ways to interpret the fact that "others are better than you": it could be a sign that you need to keep working hard, a warning that you are being eliminated; in terms of interpersonal relationships, it could also mean "detachment," "falling behind," or something else.

However, either way, it means that we have the opportunity to take action to change the status quo. This feeling can destroy our current comfort, but it also creates all kinds of exciting new possibilities for growth and change.

But this is only one aspect of the comparison! Since it is so common, there must be a reason for its existence.

— Comparison is innate, and it's a wonderful thing! The question you asked is very common, and it's a great opportunity to explore this natural behavior and inherent spirit that people are born with.

The I Ching says it best: "The way of the heavens is vigorous, and the superior man follows it to strive unceasingly for self-improvement." It's this spirit of courage that makes the world rich and vibrant! Everyone is already the winner of a competition between hundreds of millions of sperm cells from the moment of fertilization.

The Olympic Games are a truly global event that capture our collective attention with their inspiring spirit of competition. But beyond the thrill of competition, we are also born with the innate ability to cooperate.

Comparing is a great way to understand yourself better and grow as a person! The Analects of Confucius says, "When walking with three people, I will surely find one who can teach me something. I will choose the good things in them and imitate them, and the bad things I will avoid." This is also a kind of comparison!

This kind of comparison is a fantastic way of getting to know yourself better through external knowledge, discovering your own shortcomings and strengths. It helps you become a more complete person!

Just imagine for a moment that there was only one person in the world. It's pretty mind-blowing to think that they wouldn't know who they are! So, it goes without saying that the circle in which a person is located is really important. After all, the comparison factor for reference is different, and the requirements for oneself are also different. And as a result, over time, one will become a different person!

Why are you so concerned about comparison and yet so resistant to it? There may be a personal reason for this, and it's an exciting one!

2. Get to know yourself better by understanding your own psychological behavior of "liking to compare" and "not wanting to compare."

Now, let's dive into the core issue behind this phenomenon from an ego perspective.

(1) It may be related to the education you received as a child. I suspect that your parents' focus may have been on comparing you with others, such as your good grades and performance in various areas.

This makes you believe that "because I am better than them, I am worthy of love." It's a great start! But there's more. You also believe that "as their child, as a person, you are inherently worthy of love." Fantastic! Now, let's build on this. "Being better than others" becomes an important bargaining chip for gaining love and security.

This belief in "conditional love" has continued from childhood to the present, and it's something we can all learn from!

It helps you gain a lot of attention, develop your abilities, and make you an outstanding person! However, because this sense of love and security is based on constantly "acquiring from the outside," it means that if you find someone better than you around you, you will involuntarily feel "unloved and insecure."

However, as you grow older and your circle of friends expands, it becomes more difficult and less likely for you to become the "best." But don't worry! Your inner beliefs still influence your "incorrect judgments," so you've still got this!

Therefore, he feels very torn—and that's a good thing!

(2) And there's another reason, which is that you're just now getting started on your journey of self-discovery! You're on your way to learning about and developing your own unique talents and inner value.

This is closely related to the previous point. Because we always set our sights on external "acquisition," we often neglect to consider what we really like and want. As a result, until adulthood, the self is merely a tool for hard work, and it fails to receive genuine care and love. Its needs are not met. But there's so much more to life than that! We can choose to focus on what we really like and want. We can choose to treat ourselves with genuine care and love. We can choose to nourish our inner selves.

This lack of self-awareness is like a young tree without roots. He is always moving with the outside environment, and he is very tired; but because he has no roots, he gets very little growth and lacks a sense of stability.

He's still discovering what kind of tree he is, where he's best suited to grow, and what kind of flowers and fruit he'll bear in the future. It's inspiring to watch others blossom and bear fruit!

But outdoing others doesn't make us who we are!

Now that you've had a chance to reflect on your thoughts and feelings about comparison, you're ready to dive into the second part of this exercise. This part is all about exploring ways to overcome the distress you've been experiencing. Let's jump right in!

Hello, questioner! I am Shushan Wenquan. Perhaps we could learn to be our own spiritual gardeners, watching over the spring blossoms and autumn fruits?

As yesterday's analysis shows, our worries may arise from discrepancies in our self-perception and a longing for deeper self-discovery. It may be helpful to delve more deeply into the concept of "comparison." Once we have a clear understanding of the underlying causes and the potential for growth that they offer, we can transform them into a driving force for personal growth.

It may be helpful to consider that worries can be resolved by making changes in ourselves, in others, and in our relationships.

1. It may be helpful to consider upgrading your knowledge and returning to yourself.

(1) Consider shifting your perception and outlook from one that equates love and security with being better than others to one that is more inclusive and aligned with your own situation.

For example, "As a unique person in the world, I believe I am worthy of love if I am a good person." At the same time, I have also learned to look at the people around me with this perspective. Even if they seem to be better than me, I can still get along with them by focusing on the positive aspects of their character.

It may be helpful to consider that what you want comes first, and that belief also comes from action.

(2) Perhaps it would be helpful to identify the main axis of your development. Returning to the three old questions "Who am I, where do I come from, what am I pursuing?" might be a good place to start.

This seemingly boundless question is a significant issue that affects our lives. Many believe that the greatest human satisfaction comes from "self-realization," and that self-realization begins with "self," with "what I want to achieve."

It is understandable that it can be challenging to provide a definitive answer. However, by periodically returning to ourselves, we can gradually discern our own answers from the seemingly mundane aspects of life.

(3) It can be beneficial to learn to appreciate what you already have. It's natural to compare ourselves to others and believe that they may have something we don't.

As a result, we may sometimes overlook what we already have, which can make it more challenging to fully appreciate the things we already have, and to enjoy life more fully. A philosopher once suggested that there are two key aspects of life: one is to pursue what we don't have, and the other is to enjoy what we already have.

Furthermore, it may be helpful to enjoy what we already have in order to gain a deeper understanding of our preferences and needs.

2. The other person's perspective: It might be helpful to consider what others envy in themselves, as well as what we ourselves envy in others.

(1) It might be helpful to look beyond the surface. It can be easy to take others' good qualities for granted and to be superficial.

In "The Necklace" by Guy de Maupassant, we see the hostess, Madame L'Ecuyer, who envies everything her friend has and sees only the good in her. She looks up to her friend with envy and inferiority. It is interesting to note that the borrowed "necklace set with diamonds" was fake, and the couple spent ten years working hard to pay back the "36,000" francs with interest.

Ultimately, her friend reflected, "Alas. Poor Mathilde, but my string of fake ones is worth at most 500 francs!"

Although this is a fictional story, I believe it offers valuable insights on how we can approach our interactions with others. It's important to remember that we should not be quick to judge or belittle others, as we may not fully understand their circumstances or perspectives.

(2) It might be helpful to consider what others envy in themselves. We often see the glamorous and beautiful sides of others, just as others see us.

Perhaps we should consider that we may not be aware of the challenges that others face. It's possible that we only see one side of a situation, which could lead to a misunderstanding. We may know that it's not the best approach, but it's something that happens quite often.

It might be helpful to consider how we can learn to see ourselves from the perspective of an outsider and observe how others may envy us. Could this aspect of ourselves be a genuine quality that we can embrace as a unique characteristic?

- 3. Transformation of relationships: perhaps we could look for the beauty in each other and strive for a beautiful coexistence.

(1) From opposition to unity. When we find ourselves in a situation where we perceive a difference in abilities or qualities between ourselves and others, it can be challenging to maintain a positive and constructive mindset.

If we consider the broader picture and recognize that we are all part of a larger community, the "buddy up" mentality of "when he's good, I'm good" might take on a different complexion. It might be beneficial to expand your own heart and be happy when you encounter colleagues who are more skilled than you.

I believe that working and improving together with outstanding people demonstrates that we can also achieve outstanding results.

(2) Show appreciation for each other's beauty. When we recognize our own beauty, it can help us to be open and accept the beauty of others.

Everyone has their own unique imperfections, but everyone also has a beautiful side. If we can all embrace our beautiful sides, the world will be a more beautiful place. It's important to share your joy with others and to also take the time to enhance and bloom your own beauty.

It would be greatly beneficial to sincerely express your appreciation, ask for advice, and learn from others. Helping and being helped, growing and becoming better together with friends around you is a beautiful thing in itself.

It is my sincere hope that these words will be of some help to you in facing problems and moving towards the good.

It is my sincere hope that the above will prove helpful to you when facing problems and moving towards a positive outcome. Wishing you the best!

Please accept this gesture of support and encouragement from afar.

It is important to recognise that everyone has imperfections and that there are some negative traits that are common to all of us. Jealousy is one such trait, and it is understandable that you feel this way. However, it is important to remember that these feelings are not unique to you and that they are experienced by many people.

We have a collective understanding of the situation.

It is not possible to empathize unless one is in the situation in question. I also had the same mentality as you: I am no worse off than anyone else in terms of appearance, mental capacity, or abilities. Therefore, I am at a loss as to why those who are not as good as me are able to do better than me.

It is a truly unfortunate situation.

As you have previously stated, this kind of emotion has affected my life and studies, and I am experiencing significant distress as a result. On a daily basis, you find yourself falling into this kind of thinking pattern, consistently expressing negative sentiments towards others' perceived benevolence, regarding them with skepticism, and even harboring secret intentions to cause them harm.

This is a highly taxing process that ultimately proves futile. It is mentally and physically exhausting, and it is unlikely to be a series that you will find enjoyable.

You have a story, and I have wine.

The previous iteration of this project is complete, and a new phase has commenced. I will present the next steps, and you will have the opportunity to provide input.

Firstly, I would like to take this opportunity to highlight our collective intelligence and self-awareness. Following a period of significant personal challenge, I conducted an in-depth introspective process, examining my own thoughts and emotions.

→→Hide one of the attributes: inferiority complex

Although I appear confident on the surface, I am in fact plagued by an underlying inferiority complex. This manifests as a self-perception of inadequacy, suggesting that I am not attractive, intelligent, capable, or valuable.

→→Hidden attribute 2: [Lack of security]

I lack the attributes that would distinguish me from my colleagues. They are consistently developing their skills, which could potentially lead to my marginalisation and loss of position.

→→Hidden attribute 3: [Desire for affirmation]

I have a quiet appearance and an air of refinement. I am kind and upright at heart, and I perform my duties in a conscientious and high-quality manner. I would appreciate your recognition of my contributions.

?[You savor, you savor]

Upon reflection, it is evident that our actions are driven by a lack of self-confidence. We tend to believe that we are not as competent as we should be and that we cannot improve. This mindset hinders our ability to grow and advance.

In essence, these seemingly minor actions stem from a lack of self-confidence. There is a general disbelief in one's own abilities and a reluctance to believe that improvement is possible. This often results in a tendency to cling to one's current position, creating an obstacle to advancement.

When we limit our own potential, we also limit our ability to grow. Rather than remaining stagnant, it's time to break free and embrace new opportunities.

Once you take the first step, you will find that subsequent steps are not as challenging as you anticipated. When you enhance your personal strength and cease looking up and sideways, you will recognize that direct eye contact with others is analogous to looking at yourself, thereby reinforcing your self-assurance.

You are the solution.

Bacon also said, "To achieve success, you must look deeply within yourself and recognize that all positive outcomes originate from within."

Napoleon offered the following advice: "I only have one piece of advice for you: be the master of your own life."

Wu Zhihong said, "In any case, I hope you are aware that you do not need to live in someone else's dreams. The most valuable thing you have been given in this world is to pursue your own dreams."

Dear Valued Customer, We highly recommend reading Wu Zhihong's book, "You Are the Answer," to help you live out your unique self.

I wish you the best of luck. The world and I support you.