Why do I always like to trample on the hearts of those who love me?

The questioner has set the word "indifference" as the key to answering his own question. Indifference is the underlying theme of this question. Indifference towards family members avoids the harm caused by deep interactions. Indifference towards those who show affection avoids the possibility of further harm caused by emotional exchanges. Indifference towards caregivers avoids the restrictions and demands that come after care. Indifference towards greeters avoids the uncontrollability that comes after drawing closer.

Indifference is not just a background; it's also a protective color. It protects your current stability and isolates you from the thousands of landscapes in this world. I see this question as the questioner's dissatisfaction with the present and his curiosity and anticipation for the thousands of landscapes he has missed over the years. It's not a request for help.

It's time to break away from our parents and exist independently.

Once upon a time, parents were our whole world, and family was our entire social circle. For young children, a poor relationship with their parents almost always means a poor relationship with the world. As we grow older, our world expands exponentially, and we soon have the possibility of independently establishing relationships with others. A relationship with our parents only represents one part in a billion of our social relationships.

If you can't get along with someone and don't experience the beauty of human relationships, you'd be foolish to confine yourself to the world of one in a billion.

Rediscover indifference and complaisance.

After avoiding contact with family members, they were rewarded with "sweet" behavior from some family members, which gave the questioner the false impression that indifference could get positive feedback from others. However, in subsequent interpersonal interactions, indifference never got others to show more love and attention, which made the person start to doubt life.

Doubt is the gateway to breaking old patterns. Embarking on new experiences alongside this doubt is an excellent place to start.

The process of exploration will undoubtedly lead to a new understanding of "pleasing." It is a mistake to believe that what we want most in a relationship is "pleasing." The way family members used to put snacks out cannot be completely summed up in terms of pleasing. The subtleties can only be experienced and gained by each individual personally.

I'm sure you'll experience the beauty of interpersonal relationships as expected!

I am a listening therapist/psychological answerer [Xiao Yun], and I am the ideal candidate to become your spiritual growth coach!

Hello. I am Qu Huidong, a psychological counselor who speaks in images.

After reading your question, I am left wondering who has the audacity to label you as "ungrateful."

You might answer without thinking, "Of course it's me!"

I want to ask you again: Is "not having a grateful heart" really your assessment of yourself?

How much do you really believe it?

If you are truly a person without a grateful heart,

I am certain that you are not so meticulous about noting the good things others say about you!

The reason for labeling it with the sentence "I have no grateful heart" is

It's more like a defense mechanism.

When we fail to recognize attachment-related feelings in the outside world.

We can live in a world of relatively calm emotions.

You are strong and self-sufficient.

The outside world is unsafe and untrustworthy.

We react with rejection and punishment.

Our inflated self-esteem can only feel secure when we find flaws in the people we rely on and love.

You pay a high price for your need to feel safe.

Otherwise, it's clear that you can't rely on or love.

Let me be clear: I feel your pain and I feel for you.

We need to find a solution.

From isolation to intimacy.

This path is not easy.

You've already taken the first step.

This is awareness.

Write down your observations of yourself.

Start reflecting and asking for help.

This is a good start.

You may find the second step challenging to achieve on your own.

I strongly recommend that you seek professional psychological counseling.

You must learn to rebuild relationships in the counseling relationship.

Your question makes it clear that everyone is trying to change, especially Dad.

The speed and extent of change are clearly not satisfactory.

That may be all he can do.

We cannot change others to free ourselves.

We can change ourselves.

We will gain a more autonomous life.

Best wishes!

Hello, questioner!

"I don't take kindness for granted or have a grateful heart." How should you treat others when they are kind to you?

Let's work this out together.

Think about what you think when someone is kind to you. Do you feel vulnerable and want care and love?

Your father didn't give you the care, encouragement, and love you wanted when you were growing up. To protect yourself from being hurt, you adopted a passive-aggressive approach.

This method is effective: "They will put snacks by the door of my room." It makes me feel better.

The questioner is using passive-aggressive methods to control the relationship.

If you're late for a date, the other person has plans to go to the movies. If they don't want to go, they won't. If you don't like a gift, you can say you don't want it. If you like the shoes but don't like them, or if you wash fruit or lunch, you can take back the gift.

You think that if you reject someone, they'll try harder to please you. You project your own thoughts onto the opposite sex, but they don't think the same way. They'll understand that you don't like them, don't need them, and don't appreciate them.

The boyfriend becomes the ex.

Indifference may hide fear and a sense of unworthiness. We feel unworthy and don't deserve good treatment, so we reject it.

So, as I said at the start, do we all want genuine appreciation, recognition and love? I think we do.

We can only break old patterns and establish new ones by listening to our true inner voice. A mature self is both independent and dependent in relationships.

We can rebuild a new relationship model in the following ways:

(1) Affirm, appreciate, praise yourself.

(2) Be aware if you're using old ways of dealing with others.

Old coping mechanisms are ways we protected ourselves when we were young. Now we are grown up and can protect ourselves.

We can express our needs.

(3) Express your needs correctly.

Correct expression means observing, describing feelings, and making requests. See the book "Nonviolent Communication" for more.

(4) Change your behavior.

Turning passive rejection into active acceptance means giving others a chance and yourself a chance too. A different way of getting along in an intimate relationship might change how you see yourself and boost your confidence.

(5) See the good in others.

When you see the good in others, you'll feel grateful.

The above are just suggestions.

I hope they help.

Best wishes!

Hi there!

I'm a heart exploration coach, and I believe learning is the body's greatest treasure.

From what you've told me, it's clear you have some doubts, confusion, and pain, as well as a sense of being overwhelmed.

I'm not going to get into the nitty-gritty of the issues you're facing because you feel you don't have a grateful heart and like to trample on the intentions of those who love you. I'll try to help you analyze the reasons for this for your reference:

One thing I noticed is that you're used to avoiding your father (and probably your mother as well), and you don't want to eat with them, probably because you're afraid of being hurt again.

You also said in your description that you always waited until they fell asleep to avoid hurting them.

Your father's bad temper and verbal abuse won't have much of an effect on you if you don't have any positive contact with him.

At the same time, you see that he's afraid you'll get sick from hunger and prepares snacks for you to please you, but you don't feel much love inside. This may be because you want to "punish" him and don't want him to just make up for the harm he's caused you in the past in this way, so you're not grateful to him.

On top of that, there's another possibility: you might be using your indifference to get your father to give you more. You might be worried that if you're too grateful, he'll stop. So you show a lack of care and are ungrateful.

Second, you don't treat the people who chase you very nicely. You might be worried that they won't keep up their good behaviour, that they're not being sincere, and that you can't trust them. So you use "being late" and "not knowing how to cherish and be grateful" to avoid getting hurt.

Simply put, if you don't fully commit, they can't hurt you. You also mentioned that you don't want him to know where you live, which shows that you don't trust him.

Your fear of being hurt and your difficulty trusting others might be linked to your childhood experiences. Given that your father hurt you during your upbringing, it's likely that you've come to believe that "My father hurt me, and it's likely that other people will hurt me too."

There's another reason for this. You might be worried that the person pursuing you won't like you after seeing the real you. So you use your indifference to defend yourself against your inner worries. That is, you show them that you don't care about them or how they treat you. But deep down, you long to be loved by them. That's because the desire to love and be loved is one of the basic needs of human beings. Plus, you didn't get enough care and love as a child. So you long even more for the attention of others.

Of course, this may also be your way of "testing" them. Your subconscious logic may be: "If I treat you so coldly and don't care about you, and you can still continue to be nice to me, then that will show that you really love me." But just your coldness and aloofness may well make them feel that you really don't like them, and they will gradually distance themselves from you, pushed away by you.

If you're looking to move on from your current situation, I've got a few tips for you.

First, remember that you're not the same person you were when you were hurt by your father as a child.

You've grown up, so you can protect yourself. You also have the knowledge and experience to see your own merits and know that you're good enough and worthy of love.

Secondly, try to be more open with others, respect your own feelings, and don't be afraid to rely on others.

Once you've built up your confidence a bit more, it's time to start getting closer to other people, respecting your own feelings, communicating more with people who like you and who you like, getting to know each other better, and daring to rely on the people you like. This kind of trust will give you the strength you need to get the love you want.

And again, try to express your feelings and emotions more often. When you do, your heart will relax and you'll feel less cold.

This will help you learn to love and accept yourself.

When you learn to love yourself, you'll also learn how to love others, and your relationships with others will naturally improve, including your relationship with your family.

I also suggest you read the book The Neglected Child. I think you'll find the content helpful.

I hope this helps. If you'd like to talk more, just click on "Find a coach for an online conversation" at the bottom, and I'll get back to you.

The poster is confused. He has communication difficulties when interacting with others. He does not appreciate or accept some of his father's character traits and avoids them. This can lead to miscommunication in close relationships. The poster is distressed by the pressure he puts on himself.

The host is now aware that his avoidance will damage the relationship. He also knows that he is to blame for his avoidance.

The host also wants to solve and face the problem from the bottom of his heart. Here are some suggestions to help the host do just that.

1. Set clear boundaries.

1. Emotional boundaries

The landlord's description says that the father is short-tempered. When they encounter conflicts, the landlord is likely to feel helpless and give in easily. These poor communication skills suppress a lot of the landlord's emotions.

The host has every right to express and safeguard their rights, regardless of the circumstances. If the other person is grumpy and not calm, you can remain calm.

Tell the other person, "You're yelling and screaming. I'm not going to talk to you until you calm down and we can talk again. Just walk away."

The other person's emotions do not need to be paid for by you. You must control your emotions.

2. Idea boundaries

The landlord has made it clear that the father is always comparing grades. This kind of comparison is undermining the landlord's self-confidence and is very disrespectful. It makes you feel sad, painful, and helpless.

Tell the other person, "It hurts me when you always compare my grades with others. You don't see how hard I work, and I don't like being treated this way. Don't do it again, or I'll leave."

Apologize. Don't hurt me anymore.

He doesn't need you to pay for his thoughts. You just need to firmly express your thoughts.

2. Build self-confidence.

The host has long been subject to negative comments and emotional violence. They are caught in a state of helplessness and pain.

Your self-esteem can be easily destroyed. Accept that you are just like everyone else, with strengths and weaknesses, and that you are an ordinary person just like everyone else.

Everyone's opinion is just that: their opinion. You need to understand yourself clearly. Know your strengths and weaknesses.

3. Express your emotions and ideas.

The host has long kept his inner feelings suppressed. It is time for him to be understood and respected.

You have suppressed a lot of negative emotions. You also get into fights when you are with someone you like.

You want to get along with the other person, right?

Open your heart. Tell the other person what actions make you uncomfortable.

Tell me, what actions of the other person make you happy?

Any kind of interaction is a two-way street. You can express love and receive love in return. You can express your thoughts openly, and there is no right or wrong.

The landlord's life is his own, and he should not be influenced by one person in his future life. You have already become strong, and you should enhance your expression of emotions and ideas and get along with others as equals.

Don't punish yourself for people who don't respect you.

Dear Question Asker, After reviewing your question, I would like to extend my support and encouragement.

As you have already identified, the underlying issue stems from a deeply entrenched root cause. Other instructors have provided comprehensive insights into this matter, so I will refrain from reiterating them. Instead, I will offer my own perspective.

As my psychological counselor advised, only those who know how to love and love well are lovable. Given the lack of parental love in your family of origin, you have experienced more hurt.

As the adage goes, "After a lengthy period in a situation, one becomes unaware of its effects." Unconsciously, you have also "learned" this pattern of "mutually harmful" relationships and have brought this "harm" to your current relationship patterns. There is a tendency for a "victim" to become a "victimizer."

However, as the saying goes in psychology, "Your problem itself is not the problem, your attitude towards the problem is the real problem." By choosing to expose your own problems on this platform of psychology, you have demonstrated a willingness to confront them head-on. This is a testament to your resilience and determination. You have already taken the first step towards solving your problem, and for that, I commend you.

As illustrated in the line from "Fall in Love with You, Heal Me," our inner world is akin to an empty jar. It requires a substantial amount of love to fill it. When this "love jar" in our hearts is empty, it becomes susceptible to the breeding of various "irrational" behaviors and emotions in an attempt to garner attention.

Your father's various flaws are merely superficial manifestations. It is highly probable that they indicate a lack of affection during his upbringing. His capacity for love has been depleted, leading him to seek attention through these flaws. In essence, this is your father's unique method of expressing his emotional needs. Have you ever considered your father's growth experience?

"He was concerned that I might become ill if I did not eat, so he placed snacks on the table in front of my room. This demonstrated his care and concern for my well-being." It is evident that your father still cares about you and still loves you. Otherwise, he would not have been concerned about your health.

However, due to the limitations of his own upbringing, he is unable to demonstrate love and affection, and instead causes you undue harm. You can try to be aware of your father's love for you hidden behind his character flaws since childhood, and take the time (for example, during the Spring Festival family dinner) to express your gratitude for all this love!

However, I would like to take this opportunity to reassure you that despite the hurt you have suffered, you can still be loved and love others. The initiative for all of this is in your own hands!

As an example, you may wish to consider attempting to "stop the loss" and "stop" the harm you have suffered since childhood, in order to prevent it from continuing to "spread" to others and even your "next generation." In the future, you may also wish to try expressing your gratitude to others when they are kind to you.

In short, you have the option of deviating from your father's behavior pattern and charting a course of your own.

It should be noted that change also requires a long-term process. It is therefore recommended that you seek the advice of a professional counselor to provide one-on-one counseling. This should begin with effective communication, followed by the removal of resistance and the resolution of old emotional ties.

Another option is to take a group counseling class, where you can listen to other people's stories and reflect on your own experiences in a supportive group environment. This can be an invaluable step in your personal growth journey.

I wish you the best of luck.

Honey, it takes more than one day to freeze three feet of snow. This situation is definitely not the result of one incident. You must have experienced a lot over the years, and life must have been particularly interesting!

You don't feel ungrateful, but instead you feel overflowing with gratitude! You remember the good in everyone, and you especially want to be grateful, but you don't know how to go about it, and you can't do it.

This conflict tears you apart, and the pain inside is so excruciating that you have to force yourself to remain indifferent. But I'm here to hug you and bring you a moment of warmth!

I want to say to you, "Baby, you've suffered, but you've also survived!"

Then, hope will stay with you in this darkness. You stand, I stand with you; you sit, I sit with you; you walk, I walk with you. If you feel that I am getting too close, I will pull back a little.

Dear, it is not scary to stay in the dark. What is scary is that we always force ourselves to run towards the light, without stopping or slowing down. The faster we run, the more we feel like something is chasing us, and the more our fear grows. But, we can do this! We can run towards the light and not be scared. We can be brave and accept ourselves as we are.

The darkness is endless, and we can't see the end. But that's okay! We're here to embrace the journey and enjoy the ride.

How can you make yourself feel better?

Embrace yourself, exactly as you are!

I know, I see, I feel how good they are to me! I really want to find a way to repay them and show my gratitude.

Okay, then don't be grateful, don't repay, and allow yourself to stay in this state.

Embrace your past self, even the vulnerable parts!

There must have been a time in your past experiences when the little you experienced pain that you could not bear. She was so afraid, worried, scared, and helpless. But you know what? That's okay! There's nothing wrong with feeling afraid, worried, scared, or helpless. It's all part of the journey. And you're here now, ready to take on whatever comes your way.

Now, look at her and see her worries, fears, and helplessness.

Then, give her a big hug and tell her, "I'm so sorry that I didn't have the strength to take care of you in the past, but now I can protect you and love you. I won't leave you. I know you've suffered a lot, but from now on I will love you deeply."

Love her well, and you'll see that she is becoming more and more powerful! His worries, fears, helplessness, and fear will gradually diminish.

I highly recommend that you find a professional counselor to help you!

Get ready for the future and meet your true self! ??

Hello, question asker! It's clear that you're going through a rough patch at home, and your relationship with your father is affecting your friendships.

So, the questioner is really hoping that his father can manage his emotions! And he's also hoping to learn to be grateful!

In your interactions with your father, do you long to be loved and accepted? I'm sure you do!

From the various relationships, I see that the questioner is already taking the initiative to find a way out, which is fantastic! It shows that the questioner still values the relationship with his father and friends, and I'm excited to see what happens next.

1. "I have a unique relationship with my father. He's short-tempered, and he's caused me harm during my growth and life. But here's the thing: he knows he's in the wrong. He also has many other flaws that I hate, such as being money-oriented, comparing children's grades, being a busybody, and being a male chauvinist.

"I've found it's best to avoid them when I can to avoid hurting them. I only move when they are asleep, and we don't eat together for a long time."

(1) I'm so excited to hear how you feel about facing your father's negative emotions! Does it make you feel like your father knows his actions are wrong, but still makes the same mistakes, like yelling at you?

The father's emotions need to be faced and adjusted by the father himself, but it takes time. The good news is that the father is already aware of this, which is a great start! Give the father some more time and I'm sure he'll get there.

(2) How old is the questioner now? Is he a minor or an adult?

If the questioner has graduated, then I think it's time for them to move out and live on their own! This will help them avoid being affected by their father's emotions. There are still so many exciting things on the road to growth that need to be explored and experienced on your own. Since we can't change our father, let's change our own way of life and find more happiness for ourselves!

If you haven't graduated from university yet, then I highly recommend that you stay at school for a while!

2. "He's so thoughtful! He knows I get hungry, so he puts snacks by my room door. It's his way of making sure I'm taken care of."

Regarding the act of putting snacks out, the questioner interprets it as a way to please, but what I see here is a parent's concern for his child, which is so sweet! He doesn't know how to communicate with you, so he puts the snacks here and waits for you to come out and take them yourself, as long as you don't go hungry. So, I'm wondering, is your father not good at communicating?

He gets anxious when things happen, and then he yells at you. Let's look at what the motivation behind Dad's "gossip" is. The questioner can think about this question.

3. "I'm not very nice to the people who chase me/exes. For example, I'm late for dates, I don't go to the movies if I don't feel like it, I just say no if I don't like a gift they bought me, I don't feel particularly happy about the shoes they bought me, I don't want to see the fruit they washed for me or the food they brought, and I just take it back because I don't want them to know where I live." But here's the thing: I'm learning to be nicer to the people who chase me/exes! I'm late for dates less often, I go to the movies more often, I say yes to gifts, I wear the shoes they bought me, and I eat the food they brought. And I'm learning to be more open with them about where I live.

The questioner can think about it. When you are dealing with the person who is chasing you or your ex, do you feel that the interactions between you are familiar? Do you feel that this interaction pattern is the same as the interaction pattern with your father at home?

The questioner can also think further. If it is the same, then why is there the same pattern? What is the motivation behind the questioner's interactions with the person who is chasing you or the ex?

So, what is the questioner's real need? Well, they want the other person to care more about them and be seen by them. But here's the thing: the other person is different from dad. Dad will always be dad, but the person who is chasing you or your ex feels unloved and unappreciated in your actions. So, they'll be sad and feel that you don't love them. But here's the good news: they'll choose to give up and run away!

Take your time to think about it, there's no rush!

4. "I just don't take this kind of care for granted, and I don't have a grateful heart.

Even to someone who clearly showed me goodwill but did not confess their love for me, I showed indifference to his greetings about my studies, giving the impression of rejecting people from a distance.

I think it's a great idea for the questioner to practice "being grateful." It's something you can really make a habit! For instance, before each meal, thank all the food one by one, mentally. And don't forget to be grateful to the people in your life who have helped you. The more you practice, the better you'll get at it! Cheers!

Dear colleague, You have experienced significant challenges in life, and you continue to navigate it with resilience. This is an admirable quality. You may appear detached, but in reality, you are cautious about relying on others to avoid further disappointment.

What may be perceived as indifference is, in fact, a deliberate effort to safeguard your interests. It is unfair to hold you responsible for that.

You lack the ability to articulate your thoughts and feelings effectively.

Impatience often stems from a lack of effective coping mechanisms for managing feelings that have accumulated and are now being revealed. The individual in question may perceive your response as indifference, but in reality, you are simply expressing the pain caused by their actions.

From your interactions with your family, you should be able to see that your father is just like you in that he wants to save face and be respected. You are very similar. If you can understand him a little bit as you understand yourself, not judge yourself too harshly, and then prepare a blackboard and post-it notes, write down your "accusations" against him and post them up, waiting for his response, you will begin to establish a form of communication.

Ultimately, your father cares about you. If he truly cared, he would provide you with meals. If he doted on you, he would provide you with snacks. If you have the time and are not in need of warmth, you can simply inquire about the issue in life that has caused your father to become impatient. It is not your fault; he simply does not know how to deal with it. When he encounters you again, he explodes like a child.

Please inquire with him to identify the source of the frustration.

Furthermore, it is not appropriate to accept gifts from others to please the feelings of your family. First and foremost, it is crucial to address the pressure from your family to maintain a positive outlook. Additionally, it is advisable to adhere to the guidance provided by your family regarding interactions with external parties. This approach is the most effective in avoiding potential conflicts.

It is not advisable to form emotional attachments with everyone, but rather to maintain a professional and collegial relationship with those with whom you work.

Should you require any further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me. I am a sister who has experienced similar challenges and I am here to help.

In your relationship with your father, you learned to believe some not-so-great things about yourself, like you're bad or don't deserve to be loved.

He might deny you, blame you, or make all kinds of demands on you, but he'll never be satisfied.

He gets so angry and attacks you at every turn. It's as if he's trying to make you feel ashamed and afraid, so you don't dare like yourself.

He might not realize it, but he tends to ignore your needs. He's convinced he's always right, and he's pretty self-righteous about it. He'll stand on the moral high ground, appearing to be right but actually being quite arrogant.

He has a hard time with a lot of people and things, and even though he doesn't see himself as a very important person, these two things aren't mutually exclusive.

Arrogance often comes from fear. If he feels inferior to others, he may try to occupy that high ground so that everyone else will feel inferior to him. That's why he might suppress you. Even if you do a good job and do the right thing, he may not be sure about you and might not dare to praise you.

Fear is often caused by past experiences of rejection and attack. If he can't see those experiences, he might lash out at others in the same way he was hurt. He might deny or blame others, saying "it's all your fault, not mine."

The language behind this is, "It's not my fault."

The language behind "it's not my fault" is really just a plea for understanding and acceptance. It's a way of saying, "Please don't scold me, don't blame me, don't say I'm bad, and please don't stop loving me."

He's also someone who's been hurt and who could use more love. It's just that he can't see his own wounds, doesn't know that he needs to take responsibility for them, and doesn't know how to be responsible for himself. So he takes his wounds everywhere to hurt people, including people he wants to love well.

So, sweetheart, he's the one who's sick, not you. You're such a good person, no matter how he treats you. It's his physical body responding automatically under the influence of his karma in a particular situation.

So, sweetheart, you are truly wonderful. You deserve all the good things in life, and the good things the person in your life does for you are also something you deserve. When you recognize this, you'll see that testing the other person's love with indifference is unnecessary. Do they love you?

01:

Hello, if you understand it from the perspective of personality, it may be like this.

Personality is a pattern of relationships. Psychoanalytic object relations theory says our personality has two parts: the self and the object. The self is the part of us that feels.

An object is a representation of another person we have internalized. The questioner feels the father inside, the kind person.

You wonder why you always trample on people who are nice to you. This pattern extends from your father to your boyfriend and male friends.

This behavior is part of your personality. It's a relationship between your ego and the object.

02:

From your questions and descriptions, I can tell you want help and are ready to change. I'm happy to help. Many people feel this way.

I was confused and couldn't find the right words. But after studying psychoanalysis and object relations, I can understand my personality better.

Defenses, motives, anxieties, fears, origins, and awareness of the inner self.

From the questioner's description, I can see the surface of their inner consciousness. Psychoanalysis also looks at the subconscious, or what motivates us to act.

I can't make judgments like this lightly.

03:

I want to help you. I'll recommend some books.

I recommend the books by Wu Zhihong, such as "Why You Always Get Hurt" and "Out of the Personality Trap." Some of his books are not logical, so the reader needs to grasp them.

The human heart is complex and understanding oneself is painful. You will encounter resistance when trying to understand yourself.

Read some basic books on psychology, like "An Introduction to Object Relations" by H. S. Yap and "History of Psychology."

This is just one way. I'm not sure if it's right for you. Understanding yourself is never easy or quick.

You have a good motive and are looking for a good method. Psychoanalysis and dynamics are good for counseling relationships.

There are many other schools of thought, but I don't know them. (Our teacher said that emotional focused therapy is very effective for marriage and love.)

Are there other methods? You can ask questions, answer them, join official accounts, and make friends. The above are just my hopes.

I'm sharing what I can think of.

I don't see anything else based on Q&A. I hope you're well.

Hello. I see that you have mentioned that your father hurt you when you were young, and that you currently feel indifferent towards others. This shows that you have self-awareness, which is a positive quality. I congratulate you on this.

It's possible that you've associated them in some way. This could be seen as a repetition of the relationship pattern. When you were a little girl, your upbringing may have been challenging. As you mentioned, your father hurt you, and you may have taken steps to avoid and hide. To protect yourself and prevent further hurt, you may have wrapped yourself up psychologically, isolating yourself from these experiences.

It would seem that this pattern has remained consistent throughout your life, and that it is reflected in your relationships with others.

In your interactions with others, especially the opposite sex, you actually feel the goodwill of others and their kindness towards you. However, you say you are still indifferent and have not expressed it. Nevertheless, you are aware of it in your heart. Perhaps you are still hesitant to take even the smallest step. Could it be that you are worried that they, just like your father when you were young, will hurt you again if you open yourself up? It is understandable to feel this way.

I would like to suggest that you consider finding a counselor to accompany you. This could help you to feel more secure and to gradually change this pattern of relationship. You may find it helpful to stop living in the past and to embrace a new way of relating to others.

Amidst the many fortresses is your vulnerable soul, just waiting to be discovered! The reason you keep people at a distance is that you are afraid of letting others know the real you behind the mask, but you can do it!

Fear that they'll hate the real you?

You come up with all kinds of clever explanations to make your emotions, actions, and motives seem reasonable.

Everyone has their good and bad sides, and we are all made up of our own strengths and weaknesses. That's what makes us unique! There is no such thing as the ideal perfect individual, and that's a good thing!

So, we inevitably encounter people who don't meet our expectations. But that doesn't mean we can completely reject them!

You can't escape from the problem, but you can solve it! You're just locking yourself in your own little world, but the problem still exists. And the longer you hide from it, the more you will be afraid to face it. Eventually, you will be trapped inside and unable to get out. Even if the door is not locked, you have lost the courage to open it. But you can gain it back!

It's so easy to give in to your emotions! It's also very addictive and the easiest way to ruin your life. You have your unhappiness, and he has his unhappiness. Just because he's willing to accept your emotional outbursts doesn't mean you can be so reckless and out of control. The end result will only be disappointment. But you've saved up enough to leave!

Your life is going great! You're still being pampered, and people are still willing to accept your emotional outbursts. But what will you do when these people are no longer around and you have to deal with other people's direct emotions?

You have always been a free spirit, forging your own path and embracing your vulnerability. While this has sometimes led to misunderstandings with those who love you, it has also allowed you to become a strong, impenetrable force.

Hello! I just wanted to give you a 360-degree hug.

When I saw the title, I thought of a few things.

I think of those awful mothers-in-law who torment their daughters-in-law. Their logic is simple and rude. When I was a daughter-in-law, I went through it like that. I've become a mother-in-law after years of being a daughter-in-law, and I want to show my daughter-in-law all the things my mother-in-law did to me.

You have to admit that she's not wrong. She is indeed quite harsh with her daughter-in-law, and she is obviously applying double standards. She may be very friendly to other people, such as neighbors, relatives, and so on, as well as her husband and children. In other words, she is actually capable of treating people kindly.

You have to say that she is wrong, but she is actually a victim. She may have never been treated gently by her own mother-in-law, and she doesn't know how to handle the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. What's more, she may not have been treated well by her own family of origin.

In your question, you mentioned a lot of the negative things about your father, but you eventually landed on the idea that "this is also his way of pleasing me." Even though your father has done a thousand bad things, you still love him in your heart.

Of course, you're not eager to admit this. You may feel that he doesn't deserve your respect and love. Your subconscious may tell you that you don't deserve the love of others. After all, even your own biological father hurt you.

The relationship between you and the people who love you, such as your ex-boyfriend or the person who is chasing you, actually repeats the relationship between you and your father. You still feel that you don't deserve the love of others, so you take a very decisive approach, which is to trample on the other person's love to reaffirm your inner self.

You might need to learn to love yourself, recognize your own value, and confirm that you are worthy of love.

I suggest you read the book Reconciliation with Childhood Trauma: An In-Depth Guide to Resolving Inner Conflict.

If you have the chance, I think you should speak with a counselor.

I'm a counselor who is often Buddhist and sometimes pessimistic, occasionally positive, and motivated. I love the world and I love you.

Hello, original poster!

In your description, you said that your father caused harm to you during your growth process. But here's the good news: your father also understands that he was in the wrong, and he may be correcting himself now! You think that your father's behavior of putting snacks on the table to please you is actually an expression of his love for you, not to please you.

All parents in the world want their children to have a good life! They want you to have enough to eat and enough money to live comfortably. Even though they may have done you wrong in the past, it's important to forgive and accept your father. Everyone is a first-time parent, and it's totally normal to make mistakes in the early stages of parenting when you're still learning the ropes.

Embrace forgiveness and acceptance of your father. Of course, if he makes a mistake again, you have the freedom to refuse and rebel, which is your right as an independent person.

I appreciate your candor in admitting that you treated your ex-boyfriend and the people who chased you very badly. It's clear that you've recognized the need to make some adjustments in your interpersonal relationships. I'm excited to hear more about your perspective on the importance of mutual respect in relationships. I agree that if someone likes us, we have the right to refuse their advances. However, I also believe that our actions have a significant impact on the quality of our relationships. Let's consider a scenario where someone makes a promise to you and then cancels it. Would you feel good about that? I'm sure you'd agree that it's not a positive experience. So, as you continue to navigate your journey in relationships, I encourage you to keep these insights in mind. Remember, your actions have a ripple effect on the people around you.

You may not understand the importance of interpersonal relationships now, but when you grow up, you will! Interpersonal relationships are very important. Whether they are close people, friends, or relatives, we must understand that the enthusiasm that others show us is very precious. When no one is nice to us and no one cares about us, don't you feel even more desolate and bad? Well, you know what? That's about to change!

So, learn to respect your loved ones, your friends, and those who like you! Even if you don't like the other person and don't want to associate with them, you should say so clearly. All the care and kindness they show us is because they like us from the bottom of their hearts. This liking may be dispensable in your heart, but when you mature, I think you will understand that being liked and being recognized is really a very happy thing. Learn to grow up and become a mature person, and learn to respect others so that others will respect you!

I really hope my answer is helpful to you!

Dear questioner, I'm so happy you're asking this question! It shows you care about your father and your relationship with him. As you say, you feel indebted to those who love you.

But you can't treat them gently and respond to them in a gentle way, can you? So this will only intensify your self-judgment, and you may even label yourself: "I'm a heartless person who treats those who love me with indifference." But you can change that!

But is this really the real you? Absolutely!

I read that you said, "You know that Dad will leave you pocket money, and you feel that he is trying to please you. But maybe that is his way of showing that he loves you. And the fact that you can remember these small moments shows that there is also love and sunshine in your heart!

What an amazing discovery! It's clear that you, like your father, are also "secretly" caring for and loving the people around you in this way. You may not be the best at expressing your feelings, and you may even express your love in a way that others don't like so much, but that's okay!

You have some views on the way your father deals with people, so you may not admit that you love him. But what I can see is that you are expressing your love for him by imitating the way he interacts with people, getting closer to him!

People are truly incredible! When we vow never to become like the family member we "hate," we secretly gravitate toward them, imitating and following them. And when we become aware of it, we blame ourselves, depleting and blaming ourselves.

Love and hate are like the two wings of a bird: they need to vibrate together in order to fly! You can also hold both emotions in your heart at the same time. Embrace and expand your inner space, bring your breath here, follow it, merge with it, accept it, and let your feelings flow and unfold!

Hello, girl. You seem hurt by your family of origin. I want to talk about your confusion.

You're not insensitive, but you don't know what gratitude is. You say you have a poor relationship with your father. To avoid the hurt, you avoid him and don't go home for dinner.

The hedgehog is the shield you've created to protect yourself after enduring long-term suffering.

You don't like your father. You hate him. You lack a role model. You ignore the little snacks he leaves outside your door. You are unwilling to accept him, even if he knows he is wrong.

You hate how he worships money, compares children's grades, talks too much, and is male chauvinistic. The hurt is so deep that your heart has dropped to freezing point.

You've talked a lot about your father, but not your mother. What was she doing?

Parents are the first people children love. Babies rely on their parents to grow up. This is the source of your love and sense of security. If you don't get love from your parents, you'll look for it from others.

Some people use their childhood to heal their whole life, while others use their whole life to heal their childhood. You have hidden your helplessness and vulnerability deep in your heart. You have spoken about it today, which takes courage. Have you felt better after sharing this?

I'll pat you, then hug you. You've suffered.

You have suffered because your parents were ignorant or uncaring. You cannot change it, so you can only accept it and face it. As parents grow older, they will have moments of enlightenment. Dad's behavior shows you weakness and willingness to reconcile. You just need time and courage to choose whether to compromise, forgive, and reconcile or reject.

— Healing from childhood trauma is hard, but if you find a loving partner who will grow with you, you can still have a happy life.

You have to choose to believe. You bring your negative emotions towards your father into your own life. You project them onto boyfriends, exes, and others. You are ungrateful. Those boyfriends are just scapegoats.

Do these practices seem childish to you?

Read books on family of origin or see a counselor. First, try to reconcile with yourself. Don't be a victim.

You are a good girl. You have never given up on yourself. You have gone to university and have a new life. You deserve to be loved and to have happiness. Stop licking your wounds in secret. Believe in yourself and live a beautiful life.

I hope you can overcome your problems and follow your dreams.

Hello, question asker!

I'm really sorry about your difficult parent-child relationship, but I admire your courage in being so self-aware.

It's so common to project a poor parent-child relationship onto an intimate relationship with a partner. It's totally understandable that you've projected your emotions towards your father, including dissatisfaction and even disgust, onto your partner. This is unfair to him and self-defeating for you, though.

"He was so sweet! He would leave snacks on the table in front of my room because he was afraid I would get sick if I was hungry. This was also his way of pleasing me."

"He would put snacks on the table in front of my room because he was afraid that I would get sick if I was hungry. This was also his way of showing me how much he cared."

I totally get where you're coming from with your feelings about your dad. I don't deny your description of him at all. He really did seem like a pretty unpleasant person, at least in your eyes. But I think it's a bit unfair to say that he was just trying to "please" you.

I totally get where you're coming from with your description of your father. I'm sure he had the best intentions, but it's not really fair to you to view his care and love for you as something to be "pleased" about.

Parents all over the world like to say "for your own good" all the time, but many children don't think it's a good idea. And it's totally understandable! A good intention doesn't always lead to a good result.

You say you are cold, give people the impression of keeping them at a distance, have no sense of gratitude, and are often late. These are directly related to your family education and parent-child relationship. It can also be understood as him (the father) being the cause and you being the effect. So what is the cause? I'd love to know more about his upbringing and life experience!

I truly believe that if you take the time to understand him better, you'll see that your feelings for him will change for the better.

It's important to remember that understanding and agreeing are not the same thing. You don't have to use your life to pay for the misfortunes he has experienced in the past. But by truly forgiving him from the bottom of your heart and reconciling with him, you can let go of the past and start a new life for yourself. This can be a kind of salvation for you too!

It's important to remember that understanding is not the same as agreeing. You don't have to use your life to pay for the misfortunes he has experienced in the past. But when you truly forgive him from the bottom of your heart and reconcile with him, you can let go of the past and start a new life for yourself. This can be a kind of salvation for yourself too!

Hi, I'm Xiao Dong, a psychological counselor. I just wanted to wish you a happy life!

It is beneficial that you are utilizing this platform to articulate your confusion and obtain assistance from an external source.

With regard to your assertion that you are not grateful, it would be beneficial to ascertain whether an individual in your immediate circle has ever ascribed such a quality to you. Have they made a similar observation, and have you internalized their assessment as a reflection of your own actions?

Please engage in reflection.

The act of being grateful is acquired later in life, primarily during the process of being raised by one's parents and learned from them. It can be further divided into verbal and behavioral expressions.

The questioner posits that the subject displays a lack of gratitude, and whether the subject is aware of deficiencies in their verbal and non-verbal communication. It would be beneficial for the subject to reflect on this matter.

It is my assessment that you are not genuinely ungrateful; rather, you are simply unfamiliar with the appropriate means of expressing gratitude.

Our behavior can be improved through the process of acquired learning. As we did not learn the behavior of being grateful from our parents, we can learn it from other sources, such as relevant books and videos.

Secondly, the subject's behavior towards the suitor can be described as an avoidance tactic. It would be beneficial to ascertain whether there is an underlying fear, namely the fear of losing the suitor.

The current treatment you receive from them may not be perceived as genuine. Could this be due to an underlying concern that they may suddenly cease their actions?

Thus, the initial response was one of rejection.

You indicate that you will not participate, which may be perceived as a test of sorts. It is possible that you are attempting to ascertain whether the individual in question harbors feelings of affection towards you. If they comply with your requests, it may be possible for you to discern a sense of love from their actions. Conversely, if they decline to do so, it may be more challenging to perceive the presence of love.

One might posit that the individual is attempting to ascertain the love they require from this particular behavior.

Thirdly, in regard to your relationship with your father, you have formed a multitude of assessments of him, which you have internalized and perceive as unfavorable.

It is important to recognize that the father figure in question possesses a specific set of characteristics and that attempting to alter them is futile.

It is only possible to effect change in oneself; attempting to change another person is a much more challenging endeavour. It is important to recognise that attempting to change another person is a much more challenging endeavour.

One must simply accept the situation. This individual, with his particular personality and set of flaws, is, nevertheless, my father.

My father's mode of expressing love and affection towards me and our family is, at least to some extent, shaped by his own understanding of these emotions. This approach may, at times, elicit feelings of discomfort in me.

It is imperative to acknowledge this reality.